The Promise

I'm on my way to fulfill a promise I made. I didn't hesitate at the time I just did it. Her eyes pulled the words from me like the moon pulls the tide. In all my years roaming the earth I never found someone who could so easily bring me to my knees, who could shatter my heart with a mere glance. But then again, I never met anyone like Buffy.

I try not to think of her too much, but tonight it can't be helped. Her memory has yet to fade to bittersweet nostalgia as things normally do, no, it is still a strong searing in my chest. I doubt it will ever fade, part of me hopes that it won't. Anything to keep her alive, if only in my heart.

My turn is approaching, the steering wheel firm and solid beneath my grasp. I'm late but I can't seem to accelerate. It hurts going back, the happiest I had ever seen Buffy was at that old house. But I made a promise.

The drive winds into the woods, maples growing denser. I can feel the nip of fall in the air, soon the leaves will change displaying brilliant oranges and fiery reds, but for now they stand green with tips curling yellow. On and on the drive grows winding deeper, the trees creating a canopy that blots even the moon. There is no grass here, nothing but dirt and dry leaves carpet the ground and the drive becomes little more than a path from a fairy tale. If one did not know the way it would be easy to become disoriented but I know every twist and dip it takes. I spent six years coming up with excuses to visit, more than to see the smile on Buffy's face, and just as I had sifted for reasons to be there I know look for reasons to stay away. But I made a promise so every year I come just the same, wanting to leave and knowing I can't, my word is my bond. I promised.

The clearing is sudden, the contrast almost painful, a lush lawn runs to meet the roasted red bricks, ivy climbing towards the heavens. A small smile crosses my lips, I know why Buffy loved it so much here, it really is beautiful. I pull to a stop next to a black van and cut the engine, frozen for a moments. There main house has a few lights still burning but the smaller one tucked away at first glance does not, and that is the one where she would be. Originally the small house was coach house, meant to keep carriages below and sleep the caretakers above, the main house with its large three stories and sprawling brick layout was actually nothing more than a servants quarters. Built in the 1890's by a wealthy landowner the accommodations were not unreasonable. For years it and the land it sat on had been part of a girls camp, who had converted the houses into more livable establishments, adding a first floor to the coach house and water and electricity to both buildings.

When the camp wanted to move father south, away from the encroaching suburbs Buffy leapt at the offer, funds came hard, even I did what I could, but even exhausted from her job Buffy never lost the joy of owning her very own home. The main home could house some of the slayers, a few veterans who had fought against the first but mostly young girls needing to train. I can almost picture Buffy standing on the lawn, the silver light of a full moon shining on her golden hair, as she barked orders at the girls. There was so much fire in her eyes then; you could almost taste the potential hanging in the air. With an unneeded breath I pull the steal door handle and slide out. Before I can makeup my mind which house to go towards someone make it up for me.

"Beginning to wonder if you were gonna show."

Faith strolls across the lawns, her combat boots crushing the grass beneath her heels, in the years she has changed so much but so little. She still is Faith, same dark shoulder length hair, same a little too tight clothes, same attitude, but now she knows how to love. "Traffic." I manage to squeak out.

She nods her head but I get the feeling she knows the real reason. "Well you kinda missed the big bash." She gestures with her head towards the darken coach house. "But if you can stick around I'm sure she would love to see ya, plus I make some wicked post party pancakes." The invitation is warm, well as warm as Faith gets.

"Sounds good." I open up my trunk and pull my duster from it along with a small cooler.

"A man who brings his own provisions, I like." She smiles approvingly. "Guess the girls won't get any personal encounters with a blood lusty vamp? Damn shame. They really could use the practice."

I begin to ask about how the newest recruits are coming but there is a squeak of a screen-door that makes us both freeze and glance up. Faith's spine straightens preparing for battle, only 30 minutes from Cleveland's Hellmouth I can't blame her, but it's unneeded. Willow comes pattering out of the small house, feet adorned in a pair of bunny slippers, a large terry cloth robe wrapped around her as she stifles a yawn. I forgot how good it was to see her. "Hey! You made it." She yawns again pushing her hair back; it is long again more like when I first meet her but there is a bend to it and a gloss that bounces the moon's rays.

"Yeah." Faith nudges me. "The prodigal son has returned and look," She lifts the cooler. "He even brought his own supplies. Guess Giles really nailed that bring your own tools point home."

Willow ties the belt tighter as she approaches us; fall really is starting to set in. "Oh, Angel, I meant to call. Oz was touring in Europe, said he stopped by to check on Giles."

"How's he doing?"

"Better, Oz said he looked... well better ya know?" I had meant Oz. Faith sends a small sympathetic look my way, we all know the damage from Giles' stroke was irreversible. Apparently not all of us have except that, and why would I expect Willow to? She had brought Buffy back from the dead, a stroke could have been child's play to her. And it would have been. But Giles was old, tired from his battles, and the gang had over ruled her, it was time for him to set down his weary load. Yet Willow still refuses to give up the hope that one day he would just come walking through the door with a book in hand. I guess that is what I always admired about her, her optimism in all things.

"That's good."

Suddenly Willow's face of optimism becomes stern, the resolve face appearing. I know I'm in trouble now. I remember the first time she ever gave me a piece of her mind, about having a cup of coffee with Buffy, she was right then and I have a feeling she is gonna be right now. "You're late." I go to speak; the traffic excuse still fresh on my lips, but she hold up a hand and the words die on my lips. "Shh! Make not with the excuses. I don't want to hear them. But there was someone expecting you, ya know! And then you just, ya know, prance on in at three in the morning. Going 'Tra la la. I brought my own blood. Tra la la' and not even calling! And she waited for you and everything! The ice cream got all liquidy and melty and you should have called." She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at me. Making the feeling of guilt swell and multiple as only Willow can.

"I'm sorry." And I truly am. I should have been here, I should have called, and maybe I should have never left, every time it is that much harder to come back. "It's just..."

"Hard." Willow supplies, her resolve face dissolving into the face of the girl I had meet so many years ago, struggling to surface in the world. "I know." She looks to the small brick home. "It's like I can feel her here, ya know. Like when I put the star on top of the tree this Christmas, that was always her job, and I swear I could feel her hand guiding mine." She turns back to face me her eyes moist with unfallen tears. Without thinking I wrap my arms around her, comforting and seeking comfort as she cries into my shirt. "I'm just afraid that when we brought her back that was it, ya know? That now she can't go back there, and then I think maybe she could and she was scared to leave, like I wouldn't take care of things, " Soft hiccuping sobs immerge. "Then there are times when I think she's really gone." Tears fall, wet droplets soaking my shirts and prickling against my skin. "And I don't know what is worse." She pulls away, eyes locking on mine. "I miss her." She looks to darken window of the coach house. "She misses her."

I understand. I would rather live with the pain then to let Buffy go. I can't let her go, not now, maybe not ever. I can almost feel her fingerprints on my heart refusing to give in. I promised I wouldn't forget her, I couldn't if I tried. There is so much doubt in Willow's tear soaked orbs, and I know she is wondering how to keep her memory alive while letting Buffy rest. I wish I could tell her, she'll be fine, that it will all work out. But I know I'm not strong enough to do what Willow is. I know I couldn't face her day after day, reopening that wound.

Faith places a hand on Willow's shoulder. "We all miss B, but where ever she is I bet you she is having a massive shindig and wondering why we are standing around in the cold like a bunch of idiots." Faith scratches the back of her and looks towards the nearly full moon. "Heck I bet she is up there all warm and toasty and mocking us with her Vera Coat."

Willow sighs, eyes turning upward, a smile playing on the edge of her lips. "Vera huh? Better not be made of fur."

"Nah," Faith replies, the heaviness falling away. "Its totally made out of feather plucked off of some bad angel who like, I dunno, introduced the idea of porno..." She shoots me a glance. "Not to scare you or anything." She smirks. "You're not a porn type of guy, are ya?"

A blush rises on Willow's cheeks as she immediately steers the conversation away. "It really is getting cold." She turns to face me. "You're staying right? I know Bonnie will love to see you."

"Of course." I pull the cooler from Faith's grasp and make my way to the main house.

"Wait!" Willow blurts out, running to catch up with my long strides. "You should stay with me." Faith sends her a wicked grin. "Not like that!" She becomes flustered, her ears matching her flaming hair. "Gutter mind much? I mean with us, at Coach house, cuz you know, not so with the long lines and the bathroom wars."

"It's okay, Will," I try to comfort her, not wanting my late arrival to put her out. "I don't want to intrude. I've stayed at the main house before. It's a little cramped but I've had worse. Trust me it's fine."

"But- but..."

I place a hand on her thin trembling shoulder. "It's fine, Willow. Don't worry so much."

Faith rolls her eyes, shaking her head. "What she means is you can't."

"Can't?" I try to fight the edge back in my voice, looking first at Willow, who eyes follow the ground like a guilty child, then to Faith.

She sighs and sends Willow a look of apology. "I mean you could but its not the best idea. Farm boys there and with your guys' history... I just don't want to be scrubbing out blood or sweeping up dust, ya know. Stay at coach, spend sometime with Lil B. Watch a video, play a board game, I dunno, have a freaking tea party! And I don't want you giving me that look. Cuz how I see it you're staying even if I have to call the girls out here to play a game of rope the escaping vamp, and I'm not talking the fun rope and ride kind. You missed her birthday, you deal, and you make amends. Isn't that what your all about now?"

She's right and I hate it. I missed Bonnie's birthday, I was too afraid to come, too scared of the memories. In eight years I had never once missed her birthday, I helped Willow bring her into this world. I sat by Buffy's bed while she labored, I was the one who bestowed the name Bonnie upon her. Beautiful girl, Gaelic, she might not be my biological child but she couldn't mean anymore to me. Her father, Jason, a young watcher in training sent to help with the girls, died protecting Buffy from Trilestacor demon, a breed that feeds off of pregnant women. I never met him, but Willow told me I would have like him, and I think I just might have, he saved Buffy; he saved Bonnie. But I know who I don't like. And I don't like the commando boy. "Riley? What's he doing here?"

"Hey!" Willow glowers at me. "None of that! No Testosterone matches. I will not have you two whipping it out and peeing all over everything! There is no territory here! It's neutral ground, just like when Buffy was here. I'm not gonna let some stupid bullet kill not only her body but also all the good she started here! This is still Buffy's home! It hasn't changed just cuz she's got grass growing over her!"

Faith approaches her slowly, stretching out a hand that Willow just pushes away. I wonder if this is how the past two years have been without her, full of pain tied like an anchor to a memory you can't let sink. "Willow, calm down."

"I will not calm down! Riley is here because he lost Sam, and he loves Bonnie. But Angel can't be here if Riley's here, Xander can't be here because of the funkiness with Dawn, Giles is in London, Fred and Gunn are in New York. I'm trying to do the best that I can but I'm not Buffy! Do you remember when we started this? How every Christmas we all were here? When's the last time that happened? So Buffy dies and the whole thing goes poof! I'm trying to keep our family together for her." She gestures to the darken window. "I never asked for any of this! I never wanted to be the mom type but I'm doing my best because Buffy deserves to know her daughter is being cared for by someone who loves her. They both deserve better than this." There are tears in Willow's eyes, burdens on her shoulders that are much too heavy, and I can fix nothing.

She is right, we had been a family those first years, long tables spread for Thanksgiving, eggnog and presents being passed from one hand to the next, there was so much history, the pain, the love, the hurt, it was still there even then. But Buffy had been the glue that kept a civil tongue in our heads, and a cap on the past, for her we could push down the complex emotional ties. We had held together those days in the hospital, where one was weak someone was strong picking them up, never loosing momentum, we kept each other going as we watched her body give into the infection. Because she deserved it. We wanted her to know in a sense that we would be okay, that we could take care of each other and that we would continue to come what may. We wanted to offer her a sense of peace. It had fallen apart of course but it was so subtly I guess I never noticed it, until now at least. The time had past so slowly, so painfully since she left I never expected to open my eyes one-day and see it had changed in a blink of an eye. And it had. Somewhere between LA and Ohio, between Dawn and Xander breaking up, between needing each other and needing to move on, we had drifted apart.

I raise my head to meet her red rimmed eyes, I understand now. She wakes each dawn with the memories of how things were, how they could be, and she goes to bed each night with how things are. Buffy twisted life to her will, she took what could be and molded it into what was, they are hard footsteps to follow in. I want to say I'm sorry, that it will all be okay, that I will visit more, but I know that isn't enough, she wants things how they were, how they can never be again. So instead I say nothing as she wraps her arms around herself and walks back to her house, to Buffy's house, a house that once housed a million tiny dreams realized. And as I watch her go I think that there is nothing so gallant as Willow trying to conquer the world in her bunny slippers.

Once the screen-door closes with a creak I realize that Faith is still besides me. She exhales loudly, her warm breath condensing in the cold night air. She rubs the back of her neck. "Man times like this I wish I hadn't given up the sticks, ya know?"

It is too impossible to be true. "You quit smoking?"

"Yeah." She smiles in mock shock. "Someone finally told me those things could kill me and right then and there I was a born again non smoker." A beat passes while she blows out her breath watching it curl in the air. "B made me promise. Said something about being bad for Bonnie but how I figure it is she still thinks I've got some penance to do so she takes away one of the things I love most." She raises her neck, eyes on the stars dotting the night sky. "I bet she really is up there laughing. Damn bitch." She shakes her head, a rueful smile on her lips. "She always gets what she wants in the end doesn't she?"

"Yeah." I reply. "She always does."

Faith arches her lean arms over her head in a move that is half stripper, half stretch, showing of a hint of midriff before lowering them back and moving her head from side to side. It's a move I have seen before, normally one she would do when she was growing tired after a long battle. It's been a long night. "Ya know, Willow's fine normally, she kinda turned into this no snack before dinner bitch but she's good. It's just tonight. The party was kinda lame. Bonnie was waiting for you and Dawn tried to get her to do that blow out your candles and slice the cake thing. Well you know these days you don't really want to push Baby cuz chances are she's gonna push back. Nothing too bad, just lashing out ya know? She's got a lot of hurt and she doesn't know what to do with it all." She shrugs, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "I've been there. I know what that's like so I figure leave the kid be, let her deal with it in her own way."

I nod my head, a pit forming in my stomach thinking that I might have caused all of this. I rub my palm across the back of my neck, only once I had ever seen Bonnie get out of hand and that was when she was four and Buffy made her wait until after everyone had finished breakfast to open her Christmas presents. Faith must be mistaken, she couldn't have changed that much since I've been gone. She just couldn't.

"But Dawnie always has to push," She continues on. "And so Lil B just basically gives her a piece of her mind and then goes and pushes that whole cake off the table." I let out a small groan. "No shit, frosting everywhere, not to mention me and the girls worked all day on that thing!" I raise an eyebrow. "Well so mostly the girls but ya know I sampled and stirred a little. Flour and leather just don't mix. So anyhow we now have cake covering the dining room and Wills walks in and tells her to say she's sorry and clean it up. Ya know the whole responsible parent gig. Willow has been doing really great with that, makes sure she's got her school work done, washes her hands, brushes her teeth, I mean she might want to loosen up on the snack thing but I really think she's got it going. But maybe you can explain that some popcorn before dinner isn't gonna kill anyone."

"What does this have to do with the cake?"

"Hold on, I'm getting there. So she tells her to apologizes and Bonnie looks her straight in the eye and says 'You're not my mother!' Well that put Willow back a few paces let me tell you. Bonnie's never pulled that shit. So she tells her to apologize again and what does Lil B do? Turns on her heel and walks out. Willow follows her and they had a pretty good screaming match out here. Baby's got a set of pipes on her. It turns out that Bonnie over heard Willow and Riley talking. That thing about the tie up with the whole school and guardian thing, well Iowa pulled some strings and..."

She pauses and looks at me. "He thought he was helping. We have been having problems with her school, they threatened to call in child services; it's all fucked up. See Buffy never named Willow as Bonnie's guardian. And even if Willow could get custody it could be months, even years that she would be in the system, and Willow's single, not to mention has been known to swing both ways, and doesn't have a nine to five, so chances for custody are about as slim as Britney Murphy."

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" My voice comes out small, not mine at all but that of a child not invited to a party. In a way I guess that's fitting, my invitation to the daily troubles and turmoil of life at Coach had been revoked a long time ago, or maybe I threw it away. The thought is startling and unsettling, could I have really let haunting memories push me from the lives of people I care about, of people she had loved? No, it's not my fault, if I had known... but what then, would it really have been different?

She shrugs. "What difference would it have made?" The question is wounding. I want to yell that she is wrong, that if I had known, I would have been able to fix it all. "It's not like you have any pulls around these parts. Besides you have enough going down being Mr. Soul Saver and holding down LA with just Wesley."

"But I could have helped. I could have done something." I protest, arguing more with myself then with her.

"What? You could have frightened the social worker into submission?" My head jerks up a bit, her stealing the thought from my very head. "Trust me its nothing I couldn't do. If they tried to take Lil B I would do more than just scare them, and if I had to sit it out again in the pen, so be it. No one touches my family."

I place my hands in my pockets, saying nothing, there are no words. I once thought of Bonnie as my family, not Faith's. It was ridiculous, I reason, but part of me wants to take Bonnie back with me to LA, to lash out at Faith, Willow, Riley, and even Dawn. They are her family now, not me. Maybe I never was, family doesn't walk out. I swallow hard, pushing it down, away from the surface. "So what does Riley have to do with this?"

Faith runs a hand through her hair, dark eyes pleading for me to keep a calm edge. "Well like I said we were having some authority issues, got to the point we've been home schooling her, Dawn and Willow have that ABC thing down pat. And I make sure she gets the PE requirement, Baby packs quiet a punch, she could show some of these girls a thing about training, slayers skill or not."

"Faith?" I prod gently. It's been a long night.

"Right. Well Mr. Farm Boy pulls some strings, turns out he knows a few people in good places, gets some records changed around."

I'm confused. "Why would any of this upset Bonnie?"

She flails her arm, looking in my eyes. "He changed her birth certificate. He had all records of Buffy stricken. He put Willow as her birth mother."

A low growl passes through me. How could he do that? How could he take away what meant the most to Buffy? How could he just erase it? Like it never even happened?

Faith catches my eye and I see the same thought mirroring in her own, she quickly ducks her head. "I guess in the long run it's gonna be easier, school is just the beginning, insurance, and all that shit we are gonna have to deal with sooner or later, this fixes all of that. I know it's not perfect but it's the best we can do right now." She places a hand on my arm, a tender moment coming hard to her. "It doesn't change anything. Buffy is still her mother, always will be. Once Baby calms down she'll see that. No one can replace B, not even Willow."

My head feels as though it has been swallowed by the sea, torrents of thoughts come crashing down, breaking and repealing, as I try to surface. Try to understand how so much could change in so little time. I swear it was just a heartbeat ago that Buffy was here, she was cleaning the cluttered wrapping paper that Bonnie had throw to the floor, Xander joking about the choice in movie, Dawn curling up next to him saying he didn't get anything without an explosion, Willow chatting happily about nothing, and Bonnie stretched out in my lap. I can see it all so clearly, two years couldn't have passed, just a heartbeat ago we were all together, just a heartbeat.

Light pours from the main house, as the door is pushed open, pulling me from my thoughts, a dark hair girl is standing in the doorway, hand on the doorknob. "Faith!" She yells. "Could you please tell Michaela that it's 4 am and to turn the damn TV off!"

"I'll be right there." She hollers back, the girl disappearing back into the house. "Duty calls." She rolls her eyes, heading to play mediator. "Hey, Angel." She turns around, calling back to me. "Don't hold it against either Will or Iowa how Bonnie found out." Her eyeline rises above my head. "Baby has a tendency to turn up in the most unexpected places." And with that light once again falls on the ground and is quickly blotted out as the door closes again.

I pick up my bag and cooler once again heading towards Coach house, it's the least I can do to make things run smoothly. As I approach the house I notice something perched on the roof, my senses go on alert, before I realize who it is. "Hey." I call up to her, setting the bags on the porch.

"Hey." Comes a tiny voice back.

I look to her darken window, it's closed and back to the roof. "How did you get up there? There's nothing to climb." I step on the porch railing and pull myself on to the second story landing.

"Faith taught me how."

"Why does that not surprise me?" I grunt as a hoist myself up once again, this time on to the roof, and sit down beside her. Her blonde hair is pulled back into a low braid, something stabs at me, how many times had Buffy braided her hair before tucking her into bed? "So I guess I should say Happy Birthday."

"You're late." She says matter of factly, as she pulls her knees up to her chest. "So you should probably say you're sorry and then buy me something."

A smile crosses my lips, she is so much like Buffy. "I think I can do that. What do you want for your birthday?"

She doesn't look at me, eyes following the ground below, and I realize she must have seen us tonight. "Nothing you can give." She answers quietly.

I don't say anything for a moment, not knowing what to say, not knowing what not to say. Finally I dive right in. "So you saw us tonight?" She nods her head. "I'm sorry about that. We didn't know you were there."

"I'm not a baby. I know what goes on even if nobody says anything in front of me. I'm not stupid, ya know." She sits up straighter. "Everyone just keeps telling me what I should know, and what I shouldn't, and how I should react. No one even asks me anymore how I feel about things, they just keep telling me how I should. I hate it! Momma never told me how to feel. Momma never kept things from me! And now they want to act like she never existed, they want to make Aunt Willow my mom." Frustrated, furious tears, bitter tears those that are only capable in the very young, pour from her eyes. Placing a hand around her shoulder her, I pull her against my side, drops of sadness falling on my shoulder. "Do you know th-that they don't even talk about her anymore? It's like s-sh-she went poof! They always u-used to tell me s-stories about her wh-when she was here bu-but now that sh-sh- she's-" Broken sobs spill from her lips, as she dissolves into a fury of tears, and rage, rage at them, at herself, at the world she cannot change. And I hold her, rubbing her back as Buffy would have. Warmth spreads through my fingers, almost as if Buffy's hand is guiding mine, remind me of my promise, helping me fulfill it.

Minutes, hours, eternity passes. And I say nothing, just keep rubbing her back as she sobs quietly. Her pain is a sword that stabs at my heart, so intense, and waves of guilt crash upon me. How could I have been so selfish? Stayed away feeling sorry for myself when she needed me? When Buffy needed me? And the mask is stripped away, the one of denial, of forced lies swallowed. Since that night I held her hand until it grew cold in my own I have been telling myself there is nothing I can do to help Buffy, to save her, that my chance was over, it was gone. But I was wrong. I could have been here, taking care of those she loved, fighting to keep us together. I could have help Willow keep Buffy's dream alive. But I didn't. Instead I ran. I ran like a coward, hiding under the cover of LA to keep the memories at bay.

And Bonnie stirs, sitting up, tucking a piece of hair that came loose behind her ear and wiping at her eyes. She hesitates a moment, drawing in a breath and letting out in a jagged exhale. Her bloodshot eyes meet mine. "Could- I mean would you tell me stuff about her?" She asks quietly. "Just so I don't forget. I don't ever want to forget her."

I know the feeling. A lump rises in my throat, for the past two years I have been running from Buffy, from the memories and the pain they bring. But I never could deny Bonnie anything. She has the same pull, the same restless spirit that Buffy had. For the first time since the funeral, since the night I left, I let it all wash over me. The times I came to visit, I had held back, riding my emotions with a curb, trying to keep them in check. But not this time.

I can see her in the hospital bed, looking so small and frail, not the powerful woman I had known, but like the girl I had firs fallen in love with. I can feel her fingers over my hand, see the IV protruding from her own. Hear her voice, the sound of sunsets, of hopes and dreams, as she asked again. "Promise?"

I had promised her, I had told her always and forever. But something inside casts a harsh light on the past two years, pulling them from the darkened shadows. Had been coming here twice a year been enough? I hadn't forgotten, but I hadn't remembered. I didn't want to. It hurt too much. But now, looking into Bonnie's green eyes I realize I have no choice. "Of course." I say trying to sound as though it were a small request, not the great feat it is. "But only if you go to bed."

She sighs, rolling her eyes. "Fine!" She caves. "But I want a story." I help her down from the roof and watch as she opens the window and climbs into her room. "You can come in, ya know." She waits for me, an impatient look crossing her face. "You don't need to be invited. Momma already did that a long time ago, remember?"

Remember? I had no choice but to remember. "Yeah." I manage as I climb in and watch her jump on her twin bed, before diving under the giant quilted coverlet.

"Okay." She snuggles down against the pillow, wisps of golden hair escaping her braid. "I'm in bed. Storytime."

"What do you want to hear?" I suddenly feel foolish; the fairy tales from my youth were more gruesome than today's versions, meant to keep children in line, not lull them to sleep. I try racking my brain for a story that wasn't about demons, vampires, of small girl's in red clocks that end up eaten but none spring to mind. Isn't there one with a sleeping princess with long hair? "I'm not really good at bedtime stories." I admit.

"Well..." She bites her lower lip, a small mischievous smile crossing her lips. "Maybe you could tell me about Momma?"

I should have seen that one coming. "Okay." I sigh. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything." She smiles. "I want to know everything! Did you think she was very beautiful? I think she was. Aunt Dawn said that everyone loved her. She had all these guys that like loved her. Do you know that even Uncle Xander loved her?" She sits up firing questions at me.

"Settle down." I guide her head back to the pillow. "This is supposed to be a bedtime story remember?" I take an unneeded breath, bracing myself for the emotions that will be unleashed. "Yes, your Mother was very beautiful. She had these eyes that you could get lost in, a spirit about her that was wild, yet cautious. She was the strongest yet most vulnerable person I have ever met. And yes, lots of men fell in love with her. You couldn't help but to love Buffy, she had this- you just wanted to take care of her, to never see her sad." The words fall from my lips without thinking, emotions pouring out, like champagne finally released, bubbling to the surface. "And when she smiled it was like the whole world lit up, like she was the sunrise. She was just everything. And she had this way of making you passionately mad, furious, at her and yet you couldn't do anything but smile. She could make you do anything, say anything... promise anything." Reality sets in, love, sadness, and anger at the fates dawn on me. I just miss her so.

"Really?" Bonnie lights up with excitement. "She could make even you do anything she wanted?"

I think of that night. My love plugged into machines in that cold, sterile room. "Promise you won't forget me." Lord knows I tried to break that promise, but the fates wouldn't allow it. They wouldn't let Buffy die.

"Yes." I nod.

"Like what?" She asks.

"Like I promised I wouldn't forget her, that I would come to see her from time to time."

Bonnie scrunches up her face in confusion. "But she buried under the willow tree out back. You never go back there." She protests.

She's right. Since the funeral I have never looked upon that cold piece of stone. I know what's there, dirt and grass and an empty vessel. "I don't have to because she's not there. I come to see you. She lives inside of you." I touch her forehead for a moment, looking into her green eyes, into Buffy's green eyes.

"Oh." Her voice is small. "Do you think I'm like her?"

"Very much so." I stand to go. It is late and she should sleep. My hand is on the doorknob when I hear her voice.

"Angel, promise me something."

I turn around, on guard. "Depends on what it is."

"Promise me you'll stay." I know she means more than just the night, and I know what she is asking for is impossible. There is too much pain here, too much failure and guilt. Everyday would be a battle. I can't do it. I just can't. "Please." Her eyes lock on to mine. "Promise you won't leave. Promise you'll stay."

I open my mouth, trying to think of how to explain to her why I can't, why it wouldn't work. But all I can see are those green eyes, eyes so much like Buffy's and the word is willed out of me before I even had a chance, just as Buffy had willed it out of me that fateful night. "I promise."