A/N: This is while Courtney is still married to A.J. and she is in love
with Jason. I know I mention the rain kiss and that was taking place during
the stalker S/L but for this fic there was not stalker, A.J. has not hired
no one to stalk her.
A/N2: ~*~ = Lyrics
A/N3: *~* = Switch of POV
A/N4: Disclaimer: This Song does not belong to me or the Characters. --------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nobody Know It But Me (Journey version)
I sit here looking at my husband. I don't love him, hell I am not even sure I ever have. Sure I was impress with him. I was impress what he could give me, I was impress with his charms, his lies. He says he loves me, maybe he does but how can I love him, how can I love him when I love another man. His brother. Ever since the stripping ordeal, I have loved him. Even when I was mad at him, mad at him for showing A.J. what I did. How I stripped for men. I still love him. A.J. says he forgives me, says that it is okay but when he says it, it means nothing. When Jason says it, it means everything.
Every time he goes to touch me, I feel myself finch away. I feel myself wanting to puke. I know that I am supposed love when my husband touching me but all I can think is the kiss. The kiss we shared in the rain. How Jason lips felt on mine. How Jason hands felt on my skin. How he made me feel so safe. That's all I can think about. Not my husband hands, not his kisses, not how he makes me feel safe. Just Jason.
~*~ Wish i had told her how i feel
Maybe she'd be here right now
But instead ~*~
*~*
Dammit I need to get Courtney out of my head. I can't be thinking about my brother's wife like this. I need to focus on work, on my family not Courtney. It's not fair, she should be with the best man and that sure in the hell wasn't A.J. or me but I can't help but feel selfish, wanting to take her away from everything. Wanting to take her away from that hell, she was in now. I know she isn't happy. A.J. was drinking again; he was off his rocker.
She shouldn't have to deal with that shit but what can I do. After that kiss what could I do, I know if I see her again I will take her into my arms and make love to her. That was the worst thing I could do. She was married, to my brother.
~*~ Like a clown i put on a show
Paint it real even if nobody knows
And im crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah hmmm ~*~
*~*
Every time I see Jason in Kelly's I feel pain in my heart, knowing that I can't be with him, knowing that I have to be faithful to a man I don't even love. It's not fait but who said life was fair. I think back on it, if I hadn't met A.J. I would have never met Jason so maybe it is worth. I get to be Jason friend that's enough. It has to be enough. I get up and move to the window. A.J. will be leaving tomorrow for Washington. Maybe I can invite Jason over for dinner. No, no I know what will happen. I have to be faithful to my husband and I will be.
I look out and I see the rain poor. Every time I hear a motorcycle zoom down the road, I think of him. Think of him coming her to save me from him. I want him to so bad but I can't tell him that.
~*~ Why didnt i say
The things i needed to say
How could i let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin down
I can say it so clearly
But your no where around ~*~
*~*
I get up and go down to the garage where my bike is, every night I ride by their place, for no reason at all, maybe there is the reason. I might get to see her in the window or go out on to the porch. I might get to see her long blonde hair or her gorgeous body. I hate feeling like this. Being a stalker but I can't help it, I can't help not wanting her. In my arms, wanting only me. Only me not her husband. Knowing that A.J. is the furthest man from her thoughts.
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me
Mm ya mmm ya ya ~*~
*~*
I look at the stars and the moons. I wish on all the stars I see, hoping that my wish will come true, hoping that they will bring Jason to me but I know they want. I look over at me shoulder at him, he is getting up coming behind me. It took all my power not to flinch at his touch but I don't. I am proud of myself. He puts his head on my shoulder. "Hey, come to bed," he tells me. I want to push him off of me and run out. Run to Jason but I don't.
"In a few moments baby, in a few minutes. The sky is just so beautiful tonight," I tell him. Not leaning back into his arms like I would Jason. He kisses my neck. I know A.J. loves me but I just can't love him. After are fight a couple days ago about his drinking and me threatening to leave him, he has stop. He says that I am more important then his alcohol and I know that is hard for any man but why can't I love him for it, why can't I love him for it, I want to scream sometimes. At him, to tell him not to love me. To tell him I love your brother not you.
~*~ I carry a smile when im broken in two
And im nobody without someone like you
And im tremblin inside
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah yeah yeah ~*~
*~*
I see her house in a distance. I see the lights. God I love her, I want her to be with me, in my apartment. Safe apartment. She is so innocent. So sweet, so honest. Hell he was none of those things but with her, she could make him all those things. She knows that. I know I love her already but I can't tell anyone that.
~*~ Lie awake its a quarter past 3
I'd scream it at night if I thought you'd hear me
Ya my heart is callin you
And nobody knows it but me
Baby ~*~
*~*
I hear the motorcycle coming down the street. I feel my hope rise, that could be Jason. I feel A.J. lips on my shoulder. I hate the feel of his chapped lips. I used to like but after Jason kiss, all I want is his. I see the bike pull to a stop and the helmet come off. Oh my god it's Jason. Is, is he coming to get me. I turn and push A.J. "I'm sorry I need to go to the bathroom," I lie. I run to the bathroom and gather some things in my pocket. Then I run to the front door, walking out as quietly as I can.
When I get there, he's not there. Where did he go? I felt my heart breaking. He left. He left me. Why? I ask myself as I start to cry. Tears streaming down my face. I start to walk away. Down the road not sure, where I am going. Just walking. Trying to stop the pain.
~*~ How blue can i get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart
A million words couldnt say
Just how i feel
A million years from now you know i'll be loving you still ~*~
*~*
She looked at me then turned to him. How could she? Doesn't she know I love her? I love her like I have loved no other. Why does she not want me? Doesn't she know I would worship her? I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I am crying. When is the last time I have cried. It has been so long I don't even remember.
I park the bike on the road. I don't even care when I park. I start to walk. Hopping that the pain will go away. Hopping I will be ale to stop it.
~*~ The nights are lonely
And the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
*~*
I walked to the woods that were behind Sonny's penthouse building. I have no clue how I got here, but here I am. Maybe my self-conscious led me here. Maybe I wanted to see Jason even though my heart is saying no. Maybe I want my best friend. Maybe I want my big brother. I walk down the path I see a creek, the water flowing down softly. Just like my tears.
I hate crying it leaves you nothing but a headache and puffy red face. Right now, I'm sure I look like a rat. I start to walk further down towards the creek. I lean down and splash some of the cold water on my face. I sit down. My knees pulled up, my chin resting on them. I hate my life; sometimes I just want it to end. Sometimes I want to run away from all the pain.
~*~ Yeah yeah oooooooo yeah ay ooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooo
Nobody, nobody but me
Tomorrow morning im hitting the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever
ever you might go
And im gonna unlaod my heart
And hope you come back to me ~*~
*~*
I go to my spot. I have always wondered what it would be like to bring Courtney here. She would love it. She would love to look out all night and watch the sun rise or set. I want to share this with her but she doesn't want to share it with me.
Love is a funny thing, especially the love I have Courtney, I am the only one that knows I love her; I am the only one that can know. I can't even tell Carly. She would tell Court in a minute. I have to suffer all by myself. I could always go back to Liz. I feel a shiver run down my back. God that's scary, even more scary then Courtney finding about how I feel about her.
I think about her all nights. Thinking what it would feel like to hold her in my arms. Thinking how happy I would be, just to hold her. To feel her soft body in my arms. I wouldn't even have to make love to her. Just hold her.
I stand up and walk back to my bike. The tears gone for the moment but they'll come back later. I know that. I could live with her feeling she had to hide her feeling but now it seems that there is no love there. I start riding until I get to the penthouse.
~*~ Ya said when
The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
*~*
I walk back up the path. The crying done, for now. I know I should get back to A.J. my husband. A shiver runs down my spine. I hate sleeping with him when I only want Jason arms around me. Sometimes I even feel alone when A.J. arms are around me but when Jason's are it's different. I feel safe, loved, happy. It so different and I can't help but want to feel like that again. For always.
As I walk to the front of the buildings I here some one kill their motorcycle and I turn. He's here. He can see me. I can see him. I look at him as he removes his helmet.
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
*~*
What is she doing here, why is she here, how did she get here, when did she get here? Al these question run through my head as I look at her. I know that I need to leave her. She needs to get back to her husband but I want to go to her. Kiss her. Take her in my arms. Tell her I love her. But I don't I pull my eyes away from hers and feel my heart break. I have to do this. I have to let her go. I stand up and walk to the elevator.
I feel her eyes on my back the whole time and I almost turn to her and run into her arms. This has to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I get to the elevator and turn to face her as I choose my floor. I see her all the emotion reflected in her eyes. The doors shut after the agonizing moment and I lean against the door.
The next thing I know I am sitting on the floor crying. Knowing that I have ruined everything. Knowing that I will have to miss her every day.
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
A/N5: You like. Please tell me what you thought. Love Ashley.
A/N2: ~*~ = Lyrics
A/N3: *~* = Switch of POV
A/N4: Disclaimer: This Song does not belong to me or the Characters. --------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nobody Know It But Me (Journey version)
I sit here looking at my husband. I don't love him, hell I am not even sure I ever have. Sure I was impress with him. I was impress what he could give me, I was impress with his charms, his lies. He says he loves me, maybe he does but how can I love him, how can I love him when I love another man. His brother. Ever since the stripping ordeal, I have loved him. Even when I was mad at him, mad at him for showing A.J. what I did. How I stripped for men. I still love him. A.J. says he forgives me, says that it is okay but when he says it, it means nothing. When Jason says it, it means everything.
Every time he goes to touch me, I feel myself finch away. I feel myself wanting to puke. I know that I am supposed love when my husband touching me but all I can think is the kiss. The kiss we shared in the rain. How Jason lips felt on mine. How Jason hands felt on my skin. How he made me feel so safe. That's all I can think about. Not my husband hands, not his kisses, not how he makes me feel safe. Just Jason.
~*~ Wish i had told her how i feel
Maybe she'd be here right now
But instead ~*~
*~*
Dammit I need to get Courtney out of my head. I can't be thinking about my brother's wife like this. I need to focus on work, on my family not Courtney. It's not fair, she should be with the best man and that sure in the hell wasn't A.J. or me but I can't help but feel selfish, wanting to take her away from everything. Wanting to take her away from that hell, she was in now. I know she isn't happy. A.J. was drinking again; he was off his rocker.
She shouldn't have to deal with that shit but what can I do. After that kiss what could I do, I know if I see her again I will take her into my arms and make love to her. That was the worst thing I could do. She was married, to my brother.
~*~ Like a clown i put on a show
Paint it real even if nobody knows
And im crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah hmmm ~*~
*~*
Every time I see Jason in Kelly's I feel pain in my heart, knowing that I can't be with him, knowing that I have to be faithful to a man I don't even love. It's not fait but who said life was fair. I think back on it, if I hadn't met A.J. I would have never met Jason so maybe it is worth. I get to be Jason friend that's enough. It has to be enough. I get up and move to the window. A.J. will be leaving tomorrow for Washington. Maybe I can invite Jason over for dinner. No, no I know what will happen. I have to be faithful to my husband and I will be.
I look out and I see the rain poor. Every time I hear a motorcycle zoom down the road, I think of him. Think of him coming her to save me from him. I want him to so bad but I can't tell him that.
~*~ Why didnt i say
The things i needed to say
How could i let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin down
I can say it so clearly
But your no where around ~*~
*~*
I get up and go down to the garage where my bike is, every night I ride by their place, for no reason at all, maybe there is the reason. I might get to see her in the window or go out on to the porch. I might get to see her long blonde hair or her gorgeous body. I hate feeling like this. Being a stalker but I can't help it, I can't help not wanting her. In my arms, wanting only me. Only me not her husband. Knowing that A.J. is the furthest man from her thoughts.
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me
Mm ya mmm ya ya ~*~
*~*
I look at the stars and the moons. I wish on all the stars I see, hoping that my wish will come true, hoping that they will bring Jason to me but I know they want. I look over at me shoulder at him, he is getting up coming behind me. It took all my power not to flinch at his touch but I don't. I am proud of myself. He puts his head on my shoulder. "Hey, come to bed," he tells me. I want to push him off of me and run out. Run to Jason but I don't.
"In a few moments baby, in a few minutes. The sky is just so beautiful tonight," I tell him. Not leaning back into his arms like I would Jason. He kisses my neck. I know A.J. loves me but I just can't love him. After are fight a couple days ago about his drinking and me threatening to leave him, he has stop. He says that I am more important then his alcohol and I know that is hard for any man but why can't I love him for it, why can't I love him for it, I want to scream sometimes. At him, to tell him not to love me. To tell him I love your brother not you.
~*~ I carry a smile when im broken in two
And im nobody without someone like you
And im tremblin inside
And nobody knows it but me
Yeah yeah yeah ~*~
*~*
I see her house in a distance. I see the lights. God I love her, I want her to be with me, in my apartment. Safe apartment. She is so innocent. So sweet, so honest. Hell he was none of those things but with her, she could make him all those things. She knows that. I know I love her already but I can't tell anyone that.
~*~ Lie awake its a quarter past 3
I'd scream it at night if I thought you'd hear me
Ya my heart is callin you
And nobody knows it but me
Baby ~*~
*~*
I hear the motorcycle coming down the street. I feel my hope rise, that could be Jason. I feel A.J. lips on my shoulder. I hate the feel of his chapped lips. I used to like but after Jason kiss, all I want is his. I see the bike pull to a stop and the helmet come off. Oh my god it's Jason. Is, is he coming to get me. I turn and push A.J. "I'm sorry I need to go to the bathroom," I lie. I run to the bathroom and gather some things in my pocket. Then I run to the front door, walking out as quietly as I can.
When I get there, he's not there. Where did he go? I felt my heart breaking. He left. He left me. Why? I ask myself as I start to cry. Tears streaming down my face. I start to walk away. Down the road not sure, where I am going. Just walking. Trying to stop the pain.
~*~ How blue can i get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart
A million words couldnt say
Just how i feel
A million years from now you know i'll be loving you still ~*~
*~*
She looked at me then turned to him. How could she? Doesn't she know I love her? I love her like I have loved no other. Why does she not want me? Doesn't she know I would worship her? I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I am crying. When is the last time I have cried. It has been so long I don't even remember.
I park the bike on the road. I don't even care when I park. I start to walk. Hopping that the pain will go away. Hopping I will be ale to stop it.
~*~ The nights are lonely
And the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
*~*
I walked to the woods that were behind Sonny's penthouse building. I have no clue how I got here, but here I am. Maybe my self-conscious led me here. Maybe I wanted to see Jason even though my heart is saying no. Maybe I want my best friend. Maybe I want my big brother. I walk down the path I see a creek, the water flowing down softly. Just like my tears.
I hate crying it leaves you nothing but a headache and puffy red face. Right now, I'm sure I look like a rat. I start to walk further down towards the creek. I lean down and splash some of the cold water on my face. I sit down. My knees pulled up, my chin resting on them. I hate my life; sometimes I just want it to end. Sometimes I want to run away from all the pain.
~*~ Yeah yeah oooooooo yeah ay ooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooo
Nobody, nobody but me
Tomorrow morning im hitting the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever
ever you might go
And im gonna unlaod my heart
And hope you come back to me ~*~
*~*
I go to my spot. I have always wondered what it would be like to bring Courtney here. She would love it. She would love to look out all night and watch the sun rise or set. I want to share this with her but she doesn't want to share it with me.
Love is a funny thing, especially the love I have Courtney, I am the only one that knows I love her; I am the only one that can know. I can't even tell Carly. She would tell Court in a minute. I have to suffer all by myself. I could always go back to Liz. I feel a shiver run down my back. God that's scary, even more scary then Courtney finding about how I feel about her.
I think about her all nights. Thinking what it would feel like to hold her in my arms. Thinking how happy I would be, just to hold her. To feel her soft body in my arms. I wouldn't even have to make love to her. Just hold her.
I stand up and walk back to my bike. The tears gone for the moment but they'll come back later. I know that. I could live with her feeling she had to hide her feeling but now it seems that there is no love there. I start riding until I get to the penthouse.
~*~ Ya said when
The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
*~*
I walk back up the path. The crying done, for now. I know I should get back to A.J. my husband. A shiver runs down my spine. I hate sleeping with him when I only want Jason arms around me. Sometimes I even feel alone when A.J. arms are around me but when Jason's are it's different. I feel safe, loved, happy. It so different and I can't help but want to feel like that again. For always.
As I walk to the front of the buildings I here some one kill their motorcycle and I turn. He's here. He can see me. I can see him. I look at him as he removes his helmet.
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
*~*
What is she doing here, why is she here, how did she get here, when did she get here? Al these question run through my head as I look at her. I know that I need to leave her. She needs to get back to her husband but I want to go to her. Kiss her. Take her in my arms. Tell her I love her. But I don't I pull my eyes away from hers and feel my heart break. I have to do this. I have to let her go. I stand up and walk to the elevator.
I feel her eyes on my back the whole time and I almost turn to her and run into her arms. This has to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I get to the elevator and turn to face her as I choose my floor. I see her all the emotion reflected in her eyes. The doors shut after the agonizing moment and I lean against the door.
The next thing I know I am sitting on the floor crying. Knowing that I have ruined everything. Knowing that I will have to miss her every day.
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had
And im missing you
And nobody knows it but me ~*~
A/N5: You like. Please tell me what you thought. Love Ashley.