-Indian Summer, Hawthorn Winter

3 Blackthorn Winter

Again, it was past midnight when Clow stumbled from the library in search of his bed. For hours, he had simply sat in the darkness, looking at a ghostly reflection of himself in the window glass. He could no longer conjure light without his Card, and he shied from even her company. He found the door to the library by the thin rim of hallway light. When he entered the corridor, his eyes had trouble adjusting to the lamplight, so he did not at first see Yue. Yue stood close to the wall, as if trying not to be noticed. Clow stared at him helplessly.

"Clow, what are you doing to yourself?" Yue whispered. His eyes, wide, glowed from an expression of pity.

"I'm so tired," sighed Clow. He swallowed. "I'm so sorry."

Yue made a small sound, like a whimper. He stepped into Clow's arms and held him fiercely. Face buried into the robes on Clow's shoulder, he pushed his hands deeply into Clow's robes until they touched bare skin. The touch was like the hazy heat around a candle flame. The warmth seeped into Clow like summer.

"I'm a fool," Clow moaned in a whisper. "Forgive me. Forgive me," he repeated, softly into Yue's hair. Yue was shivering. Clow's shoulder was becoming wet with tears. Quietly, Clow walked Yue to his bedroom, shutting the door behind them. "Shhh," he said to Yue, "I am so sorry. Forgive me."

Yue half-sobbed. "Can I stay?"

In reply, Clow pulled his beloved's face up and kissed his mouth deeply. That Yue tasted like cardamom and peppermint surprized him for a moment, surprized him because he should not have stopped noticing. Clow's words were a murmur between their lips. "Can my love be enough?"

Yue responded with matching ardor. "I've never needed else," breathed Yue between kisses, "Master." It was a title that Yue usually used teasingly, but now he said it reverently, if a little sadly. Clow knew that he was forgiven. By Yue, he was forgiven.

Words dissolved into more kisses, Clow's lips under the fall of silver hair, against Yue's neck, Yue's chin, Yue's shoulders. He pressed his lips to the tear-streaked face, tasting salt. The kisses were a balm, but kisses were not enough. His hands sought the bindings and catches of Yue's garments while Yue undressed the sorcerer with practiced familiarity; Clow's outer robe fell heavily to the floor, and was followed by the layers of Yue's clothing. Their garments tangled the lovers' feet. They tripped while stripping the sorcerer's pants and tumbled short of the bed, oblivious to the rough landing.

Clow pulled Yue above him; he thrilled to the heat of bare skin to bare skin. But Yue lifted himself away, up onto his knees. His hyacinth eyes flashed more brilliantly than amethysts, picking up the faint light in the room. Slowly, with seraphic glory, he brought forth and unfurled his wings.

For a little while, Yue was Zeus to Clow's Leda; his swan-white feathers whispered around them. After they parted from that first frantic coupling, Clow heard Yue stand and make his way to a window. The curtains slid back to reveal bright moonlight; Yue's sweat dampened skin was adularescent in the glow of his namesake. In that moment, Yue looked completely inhuman; his wings hid the most human parts of him. Moonlight lit his eyes and glowed in the long cord of his hair. His grace was liquid as he walked back to his maker.

He surprised Clow by picking the man up, a challenging show of his strength, and carrying him to the bed. Yue dropped Clow with a soft bounce, then followed him onto the yielding surface. "I'm not done yet," he said, his voice buttery with humor.

Clow chuckled. "Is that a challenge?"

The moon set before the lovers exhausted each other. Yin-yanged together, Yue whispered, "You are everything." Clow twisted around to bring Yue into his arms. Yue still tasted of cardamom and peppermints, and of Clow. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he pledged.

"Til death parts us," answered Clow, knowing that he should not say it.

Yue shook his head. "I would follow you into the next life."

When morning came, and with it, the penance of Clow's vision, Clow felt an understanding resting lightly across his mind. After he woke Yue with more kisses, and all that followed, his understanding clarified. "I will follow you into the next life," Yue had said.

His reincarnation… was something that Clow had long taken for granted. It was not uncommon for a person, particularly one who was strong in magic, to remember his past lives. It could be done; Clow's philosophies were fresh in his mind from the tortured month behind him. He merely had to decipher how to imp the feathers of his magic across two lifetimes. Nothing mattered except keeping his magic alive… if not in this body, then in the next life. And all he had to do was die in this life.

His mind was open. Possibilities, contingencies, spilled out before him like the contents of a messy trunk. Lying in his bed, Clow laughed to think of it, this epiphany from the joy of passionate expression. When you're hungry, eat; when you're tired, sleep – Indeed! And in regards to eating… .

He startled Yue and Keroberos both by cooking an immense breakfast, almost more than Keroberos could eat, and consuming second helpings himself. He ignored his books entirely for the rest of the day, and spent the morning -- wearing only a summer yukata -- playing around the manor with various whimsical inventions. He spent the afternoon piling leaves into enormous mounds, using as many of the Cards as he could without revealing his magical weakness, and tumbling in the leaf piles with both Yue and Keroberos.

To Keroberos' delight, the next few days were spent in a similar manner. They picnicked in the meadow, despite the cold windy weather, and searched the grounds for the "perfect autumn leaf". By the evening fire, Yue beat Clow at a contest of haiku, while Keroberos and his Master were well matched at Rummy. Although Clow's manner was slightly more manic than customary, the household felt closer to normal than it had in weeks.

Clow left the manor, alone again, twice more. His companions, at first worried that their Master would relapse into his depression, were reassured when the ventures were short and Clow returned invigorated. The trips were merely for legal matters, he told them -- truthfully.

Clow met with his lawyers to divide the estate. He made arrangements to have all but the main house sold, forming two anonymous trust funds. It was morbidly fun, Clow felt, to create the birth records for his reincarnations. He had decided to split his spirit into two; his reasons were (appropriately) two-fold. The redundancy would assure the solid transfer of magic that would sustain his creations. Additionally, the split would reduce his magic, and consequently reduce the strength of his foresight. His future selves would be free of the foreknowledge had born so heavily on Clow Reed.

He provided for the children (they would be children but not infants) to attend separate boarding schools. Eriol he would send to England, the country of Clow's childhood. The other boy, Fujitaka, would stay here in Japan. The decision was partly due to the political state of China and his estrangement from the Li Clan, and partially because Japan was the home of Clow's choice in adulthood. The magician wished that he could find families for the "orphans", but it couldn't be helped. He did not have enough time.

Snow had begun falling during the night, and still fell, obscuring the last of autumn in a thick white layer. The companions talked about building snow forts after lunch. Keroberos boasted excitedly about his snowball skills, while Yue emphasized that structural technique and a solid defense were the keys to victory.

Clow had overdone lunch; there was vastly too much for the three of them to consume. Because he wanted this day to slow its passing, he made dish after dish, six desserts and four kinds of salad: potato, macaroni, bean, and Ambrosia. No one touched the Jell-O mold, except to touch it and watch it undulate.

He had to tell them today. He would not live out the day, and he had to tell them now. He should tell them now, but not at the table, not like a Last Supper. Yue had so enjoyed the tai; the bamboo hashi looked bewitchingly elegant in his long slim hands. And Keroberos had only tasted two of the desserts.

The energetic lion pounced on his creator. "Come on, Clow, while the snow's still fresh!"

"What about the pudding," Clow stalled. "Have some cake first."

"I'll eat that cake later!" insisted Keroberos. "The snow's gonna melt!"

Yue laughed. "Let's go," he cajoled, pulling on his Master's arm.

Clow sighed, and put on a brave smile. "In a moment. First," he fought to hide the trembling in his voice, "I have something that I need to tell you. Please, come with me." Clow walked ahead of them to the second floor, feeling their curiousity as they followed him up the stairs to his study. Once in the room, he picked up a book from his desk; it was the book that contained and protected the Clow Cards, and within it, they slept. Taking the book with him, the sorcerer went to his armchair and turned it away from the cold fireplace. Sitting down before his creations, he confessed. "I am dying."

"What do you mean?" The question was filled with shocked non-comprehension.

Clow's held his face in a calm mask. "Exactly what I said, Yue. Today I die."

A low growl rumbled in the room. "That's not funny."

Oh, God, thought Clow. They were going to make this hard. "Sorry, Keroberos, but this isn't a joke."

Horror and fear filled Yue's face. His eyes were wild and his voice was like a knife of ice. "But… WHY?!" he wailed. He stepped once toward Clow, and then seemed unable to move further.

Clow's heart twisted with his lover's pain. "It is my time," he managed to say, in a resigned voice that was a lie. He brushed his fingertips on Yue's face.

Keroberos stepped forward also, but wearing a mix of anger and disbelief. "Oh, come on… you may have a twisted personality Clow, but you're the most powerful magician in the world. We oughta know. You made us. You've lived hundreds of years, but your magic hasn't weakened at all."

"True," said the sorcerer, hating this one lie more upon his deceptive serenity. "But all living things must come to an end." Keroberos placed his head heavily into his Masters lap. Clow felt his courage wavering, so he went on quickly, "Therefore, I must prepare…"

"Prepare for what?" Keroberos sounded defeated, uninterested.

Clow explained, "For the person who will care for you after I'm gone."

Yue's response was immediate and angry. "I don't want another Master," he hissed, harshly and quietly.

A sigh almost escaped from the magician, but he caught himself. "Then you can decide, Yue, whether that person is suitable to be your master." The sorcerer allowed himself the touch of his lover's hair through his fingers.

"No one else is suitable." Yue was strangling tears. As Clow watched, they formed on Yue's silver lashes and cascaded soundlessly.

This was a decision that Clow had made after long and careful consideration. He could not waver now, though he could not bear the betrayal in Yue's eyes. He turned to Keroberos. "Hm. It would be unfair to let Yue decide alone, wouldn't it? Keroberos, you will choose the candidate."

"You're serious." Keroberos regarded his Master with a measure of disgust. "Is there nothing we can do about this?"

Clow forged on. "In time, when Keroberos has chosen the candidate," Clow risked grasping Yue's arm; Yue, rigid, was shaking. "You alone will judge that person's worthiness to be your new master."

"I don't need a new master," Yue insisted adamantly. Desperation and despair clung to his words. He looked at the book at Clow's feet, and realization crossed his features. "I'll sleep in the book forever!" His voice dropped to a ghost of a whisper. "I don't want to wake up anymore."

Clow pulled his distraught creation into his arms. Yue crumpled to his knees. Fighting to maintain his false composure, the magician rested his cheek against Yue's forehead, inhaling the scent of his lover's hair for the final time. "Yue and Keroberos… and the Clow Cards… I poured all my heart and power into making you. So after I die, I ask only that you live," he paused, seized his composure again, and continued, "in happiness with your new master."

Yue was shaking his head, sadly, weakly. "Live," breathed Clow into his beloved's hair. Then Clow willed his creation to sleep, and Yue relaxed in the magician's arms. Clow Reed stood, redefined Yue, and sealed him into the Clow Cards' book.

Keroberos spoke more quietly than he ever had. "You know Yue better than anyone, Clow. Do you really think he'd ever approve a new master?"

"No. That's why you have to find a master that Yue will approve of."

"Jeez… you really are selfish," Keroberos complained, but fondness colored his voice. "You have a terrible personality for a magician, you know that? Such strong magic with such a whimsical lifestyle. But to me, you were a good master."

"Thank you." Clow quickly grabbed the lion and pressed a kiss to the side of his face. His tears finally escaped him. As they began to dampen the golden fur, Clow sealed his friend into the book's cover.

He had a last message to his creations, in the form of false memories, and he placed this magic on the beings in the book. He hoped that these memories would ease their pain and allow them to accept his death. In them, as they nursed his failing body, he had time to tell them about their roles as guardians of the Clow Cards, and of judging the one who would be their new master. Neither would know that the sorceress was already a certainty, nor would they know about the Bell of the Moon that would assure it. In this, Clow Reed allowed himself one more expression of his whim.

Carefully, he pooled his magic back into himself from the incidental spells around the manor, as well as those that guarded the estate. In his libraries, most of his books crumbled to dust when their protections fled. Regret touched him like snowflakes at the loss, which would be mirrored in his gardens among the non-native species. Nevertheless, like snowflakes, it melted against his suriety of purpose. "And now," he said bravely aloud, "I will use the last of my magic."

Clow took his time; this would be the last and most important act of his long life. With all his power wrapped around him, he raised his staff and opened the magic circle.

Eriol Hiiragizawa opened his eyes as the magic stilled, and was washed with a disorienting sense of déjà vu. He was aware in a way that a child his age, in appearance no more than four or five, should not yet be aware. Something was wrong. The part of him that was Clow Reed told him so. He should not have so much power; even renewed with the reborn body, it should only be half as much.

He turned to the child beside him. This boy was the same age as Eriol, though his appearance differed slightly, and… he had no magical aura. Eriol looked around for the Clow Book, saw it, and quickly picked it up off the floor. Clow Reed's worry dissolved. He could feel Clow's creations, securely dormant within the book's covers.

The other boy huddled with fright, sobbing. Eriol laid a comforting touch on the toddler's hair, silky like Eriol's own but lighter in color. He pulled responsibility around himself like a mantle, as heavy a burden as his uncleaved magic. "It will be alright," he assured, soothing the terrified child. "It will be absolutely alright."

And the rest, you know.