The bad news is that this will be my last parody for a while. I'm busy with schoolwork and I want to concentrate on my serious stuff. Um...yeah...I write serious stuff occassionally. So enjoy! =)
{We open with Kate Mulgrew sitting in a small room by herself. She's drinking a Coke. She looks up as the camera enters.}
Kate: Oh, hello. (She smiles in a fake way) I'm Kate Mulgrew, Captain Janeway on "Star Trek: Voyager".
(She pauses for the audience to ooh and aah)
Kate: The producers had writers block - I mean - an inspiration to create an episode of a typical day in the shoes of one of the characters.
(She pauses to draw out the suspense)
Kate: We did a poll on the internet of which crewmember the audience wanted to see featured. The results are as follows:
Neelix- 1 vote. (She leans over) We suspect Ethan did that one.
Chakotay- 4 votes
Harry - 6 votes
Icheb - 7 votes
Tuvok - 9 votes
Tom - 11 votes
Naomi - 13 votes
B'Elanna - 17 votes
Myself - 25 votes
Seven - 5,653,867 votes
(Pauses to let everybody cheer)
Kate: Now, without further adieu, here is the episode.
{Fade out. Open on Janeway's quarters. She's in bed, wearing a conservative flannel.}
Computer: Captain? Wakey-time.
Janeway: (Snorts a bit)
Computer: Come on, Captain! Up and at 'em!
Janeway: (Throws a pillow in a random direction.)
Computer: (Sighs) Not again. Captain, I'm making coffee for you.
Replicator: (Makes some coffee)
Janeway: (Sits up, eyes still closed. She sniffs the air) Coffee...
Computer: Stand up.
Janeway: (Stands up, eyes still closed.)
Computer: Go to the replicator.
Janeway: (Walks to the replicator, bumping into a vase and breaking it)
Computer: Now pick up the cup.
Janeway: (Picks up the cup.)
Computer: Now drink.
Janeway: (Takes a drink. Her eyes pop open.) Oh, I feel refreshed! Time to go to work!
{Fade out as Janeway goes to get dressed. Sorry, guys, we're skipping the dressing scene. Switch to scene of bridge. Harry is in command!}
Harry: Status?
Ensign: Same as last minute. Normal.
Harry: (Stands up and starts pacing) It's hard being in command, you know?
Ensign: (Rolls her eyes) Yes, sir.
Harry: (Very emotional. Think William Shatner) It's difficult. Every decision you make could result in the death of one of the crew.
Ensign: Of course, sir.
Harry: I mean, that course correction I ordered 3 hours ago. What if I had ignored it? We could have gone straight into a sun! Yes, life is hard for a person in command. It takes a person with bravery. Responsibility. (He leans over the ensign) And charisma. (He smiles)
Ensign: Harry, don't take this the wrong way...but drop dead.
Harry: That's insubordination!
Ensign: Actually, I graduated before you, so, therefore, I outrank you.
Harry: But I'm in command!
Ensign: (Pats him on the arm) Of course you are, Harry. Now why don't you go back to that big chair and play with the shipwide intercomm?
Harry: (Nods and walks back to sit down. He flicks on the shipwide intercomm) Attention crew! This is acting Captain Harry Kim! I have made important life and death decisions while you all were asleep! I think I should be given the proper respect!
(Janeway enters)
Janeway: That's enough, Ensign!
Harry: (Scrambles out of her chair) Yes, maam!
Janeway: (Goes over to her chair) Ignore that boy. He's just itching for a promotion. Everybody go back to sleep. Except Chakotay. You get up here NOW! (Janeway shoots a glare at Harry, who hides behind his station.)
(Janeway drapes herself across the chair and starts whistling. Chakotay enters, still in his pajamas.)
Chakotay: Yes, Captain?
Janeway: Chakotay, I'm featuring in the episode, you know that?
Chakotay: (Rolls his eyes) I seem to recall you mentioning it once...or twice...or a million times.
Janeway: (Stands up) I want something exciting to happen! Something never before seen on Voyager! I want this episode to be the best!
Chakotay: (Blinks a couple times)
Janeway: And I want you to do it.
Chakotay: Why me?
Janeway: Because, (She pats his arm) I like you. (She removes her hand, and at that instant, millions of J/C fanfic writers rush to their computers to start writing another romance)
Chakotay: I'm honored.
Janeway: You should be. Remember. Good plot. Something I can handle, though. Something unique. Something easy, yet it looks hard. Something...well, just something. Got it?
Chakotay: (Nods) Can I go back to sleep now?
Janeway: No! You have work to do!
Chakotay: But I was having a good dream!
Janeway: What about?
Chakotay: Well um...you were in it...and...
Janeway: (Holds up a hand) Say no more.
(Those million J/Cers start jumping up and down for joy. More romance fanfics are written)
Janeway: Just do what I've asked, then I'll be happy.
Chakotay: (Sighs) Okay. I'll see what I can do.
{Scene change: hours later. Chakotay and Janeway are walking down the corridor of Voyager.}
Janeway: What've you got?
Chakotay: A beautiful woman is going to come onboard. Her ship was damaged somehow. She's going to seduce Harry, then take him off to kill him. Harry's already in the transporter room so they can have a love at first site thing.
Janeway: That sounds familiar...
Chakotay: (Frowns) It does?
Janeway: Yes.
Chakotay: (Starts to pout)
Janeway: But I'll give it a try.
(They enter the transporter room. Harry's there along with an unimportant person playing the transporter operator.)
Janeway: Hey, unimportant person. Energize!
Unimportant Person: (Pushes some buttons)
(A beautiful woman materializes on the platform. Harry's jaw drops to the floor)
Janeway: Hi. I'm the captain of this ship. This is Chakotay, my first officer. And this (She grabs Harry's shoulders and pushes him into the woman) is Harry. Isn't he cute?
Beautiful Woman: My name is Beau T. Full. (She looks at Harry.) He is cute!
Janeway: Isn't he, though! And he's a darn fine officer, too.
Beau T. Full: I bet he is. Why doesn't Harry give me a tour of the ship?
Janeway: That would be wonderful! Go on, Harry!
(Beau T. Full hooks arms with Harry and leads him out)
Chakotay: See, it's unpredictable and entertaining.
Janeway: I don't know. I'll see if I keep liking it.
{Scene change of Beau T. Full and Harry walking together. Harry looks very uncomfortable. Beau T. Full looks very...er...beautiful.}
Beau T. Full: So, what part of the ship are you going to show me first, Harry? (She runs a hand through his hair)
Harry: Uh...Um...(He starts to giggle) That tickles!
Beau T. Full: You like being tickled? (She starts tickling his stomach)
Harry: (Rolling on the floor, laughing) No! Stop!
(Beau T. Full is on top of Harry, mercilessly tickling him. A couple crew members walk by and give them strange looks. Neelix walks by and stops)
Neelix: What are you doing?
Beau T. Full: Tickling Harry.
Neelix: Oh! Can I tickle him, too?
Beau T. Full: Sure!
Neelix: (Gets on the floor and starts tickling Harry)
Harry: (Is having trouble breathing by this point)
Neelix: Well, I gotta run. This was fun. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. (He gets up and leaves)
Beau T. Full: Bye, funny little alien man! (She stops tickling Harry)
Harry: (Lies there, still laughing for several minutes before getting up.) That wasn't nice!
Beau T. Full: (Smiles) Sorry.
Harry: (Can't resist Beau T. Full.) I forgive you.
Beau T. Full: Now, where are you going to take me?
Harry: Uh...we could go to Engineering.
Beau T. Full: I have a better idea.
Harry: What?
Beau T. Full: (Leans over and whispers in Harry's ear) Why don't you show me your quarters?
Harry: (Starts to stutter. Then he grabs Beau T. Full by the arm and starts dragging her down the corridor.) Sure!
(But Janeway appears! She blocks Harry's way.)
Harry: Captain! Move! It's important!
Janeway: (Crosses her arms) Chakotay!
(Chakotay enters behind Janeway)
Chakotay: What?
Janeway: I don't like this plot.
Chakotay: Why not?
Janeway: Because I'm hardly even shown in it!
Chakotay: But you get to save Harry at the end! Plus, it has a big love scene between Harry and Beau T. Full. Ratings will skyrocket!
Janeway: I doubt a love scene between Harry and ANYBODY will make ratings skyrocket.
Harry: (Looks confused)
Chakotay: (Sighs and goes over to Beau T. Full) Sorry, Beau, but we gotta let you go.
Beau T. Full: (Holds out her hand)
Chakotay: (Counts out an obscene amount of money and hands it to Beau T. Full)
Beau T. Full: (Smiles and leaves)
Harry: Darn!
Janeway: Report to your station, ensign!
Harry: (Head hung, exits)
Janeway: (Turns to Chakotay) Try again. This time, I want a bigger part! (She leaves)
Chakotay: Geez, do I have to do everything for her!
(Chakotay leaves)
{Scene change to Sickbay. Seven is getting her regular checkup from the Doctor.}
Doctor: Any problems lately?
Seven: Nope!
Doctor: You sure?
Seven: Yep!
Doctor: Good! You seem to be in perfect health. (He smiles, about to close his tricorder)
{Abrupt scene change to a corridor. Meanwhile, Janeway and Chakotay are walking down another one of those corridors. Handy little things, aren't they?}
Chakotay: It's perfect! Seven is having some malfunction with her Borg implants. Her death is imminent. So there'll be lots of angst and all. Then, you save the day by finding the way to fix her!
Janeway: That sounds familiar...
Chakotay: Really? I wonder why.
Janeway: Me, too. Oh well.
{Cut back to Sickbay. The Doctor's tricorder beeps just before he closes it.}
Doctor: What's this? (He looks worried)
Seven: Is something wrong?
Doctor: Seven, you only have 3 hours left to live.
Seven: Why?
Doctor: Because that's the plot Chakotay came up with.
Seven: (Is having trouble coming to grips with her imminent death) I see. I will...be in my alcove...with my teddy bear...regenerating.
Doctor: Seven, you're going to die! Regenerating won't help! I need you here to try to find a cure!
Seven: Oh. Okay then.
(Janeway enters)
Doctor: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Captain.
Seven: Wait a minute! Is SHE going to find a cure for me?
Janeway: That's what Chakotay fixed up.
Seven: (Crosses her arms) Forget it. I won't let HER help me.
Doctor: Seven! Why not?
Seven: She cheated. About the voting. I won. YOU cheated.
Janeway: Well, you don't need to get snippy about it!
Seven: (Sticks her tongue out at Janeway)
Janeway: (Rolls her eyes...in that way only Janeway can do) Chakotay!!
(Chakotay comes running)
Chakotay: What?
Janeway: This plot won't work. We're having...difficulties. I need a new plot.
Chakotay: Another one?
Janeway: Yes, and fast! It's already noon. The day's going to be over soon!
(Janeway leaves)
Chakotay: I don't know what else to do!
Doctor: How about, something featuring me! I got it! An alien race steals my holomatrix to use for their evil purpose...
Chakotay: ...then the captain finds you and gets you home! Brilliant! I'll go tell her!
(Chakotay runs out of the room)
Seven: Clever how you managed to get the spotlight over to yourself.
Doctor: Seven, the spotlight is ALWAYS on me. Or on you. Well, it's always on one of us.
Seven: (Thinks) You have a point. I will go regenerate now.
(Seven leaves)
Doctor: Let's see! What should I wear?
{Scene change to...another corridor! What a surprise! Janeway is walking down the corridor when Chakotay comes running up to her.}
Chakotay: Captain!
Janeway: That was fast. Do you have a new plot for me?
Chakotay: Yes, it's about the Doctor -
Janeway: Then no.
Chakotay: Why no?
Janeway: Because, I don't WANT it to have the Doctor. Try again!
Chakotay: The Doctor will be disappointed.
Janeway: Oh well.
Chakotay: Who should be in it?
Janeway: (Thinks) Well...me.
Chakotay: And?
Janeway: Try something with Tom.
Chakotay: Why Tom?
Janeway: I like Tom.
Chakotay: Okay. (He sighs) Tom. I'll go talk to him.
Janeway: Good. Keep up the good work, Commander.
(Janeway exits)
Chakotay: Now she wants Tom! Geez!
{Scene change to that pleasant little room we saw at the beginning of the episode. Kate Mulgrew is there, eating a pizza.}
Kate: (Looks startled by the camera) Oh! Hello! This is Kate Mulgrew again. I hope you're enjoying the episode.
(She pauses to let the audience answer)
Kate: This is, of course, an actual depiction of an average day for Captain Janeway. As you can see, it's very exciting.
(She pauses to let the audience agree with her)
Kate: (Leans over) But, you know what? I think there are more surprises in store for our favorite captain! So, I'll let you get back to the show. (She smiles)
{Scene change to Mess Hall. Tom is eating a romantic dinner with B'Elanna.}
B'Elanna: Then, I reinducted the plasma coils to manifest the articular relay.
Tom: (Not eating, just staring at B'Elanna with ga-ga eyes) Yeah...
B'Elanna: But guess what happened...the ovicular manifolds skyrocketed above normal arnemic levels! So we had to shut down the pentonic reameter and close out the foratic monometer.
Tom: Sounds tough...
B'Elanna: It was! So what did you do?
Tom: I flew the ship.
B'Elanna: Sounds exciting. Where'd you fly it?
Tom: I don't remember.
(Chakotay enters, sees Tom and B'Elanna. He goes over to them)
Chakotay: B'Elanna, I'd like a word with Tom.
B'Elanna: Chakotay, Tom and I are having our special time.
Chakotay: I see, but it's important.
Tom: (Still gazes at B'Elanna) It can wait...
Chakotay: No it can't. B'Elanna, leave.
B'Elanna: (Glares at Chakotay as she leaves)
Chakotay: (Sits down opposite Tom)
Tom: (Realizes he's gazing at Chakotay now and closes his eyes) Ughh! That's not as pretty!
Chakotay: Tom, the captain needs you for a new plot.
Tom: What?
Chakotay: You know that this episode is "A Day in the Life of Janeway". Well, she wanted it to be an exciting day, so she wants an exciting, new plotline with you in it.
Tom: Okay...can B'Elanna be in it, too?
Chakotay: No. Now, suggestions.
Tom: Let's see...I'm a pilot. I fly ships...I got it!
Chakotay: What?
Tom: An alien comes onboard, needing his ship repaired. I, of course, volunteer. Then he tries to abduct me for some odd reason, and the captain comes to my rescue!
Chakotay: That sounds familiar.
Tom: You're right...it does. Oh well. What do you think?
Chakotay: (Pauses) I'll go tell her and make the arrangements.
Tom: Good!
{Scene change to bridge. No, not another corridor. The bridge. Janeway, Harry, and Tuvok are there. Along with some nameless other people that are below our attentions.}
Janeway: (Twirling her hair) So, tell me more about those movements on Vulcan.
Tuvok: Well, it isn't something we Vulcans are especially proud of. But it was a rough time, what with the war. Inevitably, there were Vulcans against the war. They would stage protests and have rallies.
Harry: Hippie Vulcans?
Tuvok: They were not "hippies". They were simply against the war.
Janeway: Did they grow their hair long?
Tuvok: (Hesitates) Some of them.
Harry: And did they say "Peace, Dude" a lot?
Tuvok: (Hesitates) Perhaps...
Janeway: Were you one?
Tuvok: (Hesitates) Maybe...
Janeway: I need to see a picture of that!
(Chakotay enters)
Chakotay: Captain, I have good news! Tom's got a new plot all worked out. Something about a ship and him getting abducted. Whatever. But you get to save him.
Harry: Sounds familiar.
Janeway: Shut up, ensign! (To Chakotay) That sounds familiar.
Chakotay: (Shrugs)
Janeway: Oh well. You have everything set up?
Chakotay: Yep. The guy with the broken down ship should be arriving any moment now.
Harry: Captain, I'm getting a distress call.
Chakotay: Told you.
Janeway: Put it though!
(A guy appears onscreen)
The Guy: My ship is broken. I need someone to fix it. Can you provide assistance?
Janeway: (Obviously acting) I don't know. Chakotay...do we have anyone who can fix ships?
Chakotay: (Pretends to think real hard)
The Guy: Don't hurt yourself.
Chakotay: It's called acting!
The Guy: It's called overacting!
Janeway: (Interrupting the squabble) I have it! Tom Paris! He can fix anything!
The Guy: Good.
Janeway: We'll tractor you into one of our shuttle bays.
The Guy: Thank you very much, captain.
{Scene change to shuttle bay. Tom is there, looking over The Guy's ship.}
Tom: Nice ship you have...uh...what was your name again?
The Guy: It's unpronounceable to you humans. Just call me "The Guy".
Tom: Okey-dokey. How'd your ship get damaged like this?
The Guy: Uh...it fell down some stairs.
Tom: Stairs?
The Guy: No! Uh...it ran into a door!
Tom: A door?
The Guy: Um...it fell off its bike?
Tom: I get the feeling that you're hiding something from me.
The Guy: Whatever gave you that idea?
Tom: I don't know. I can't quite put my finger on it. But it's something.
The Guy: Well, I've been completely truthful since I got on board.
Tom: Have you really?
The Guy: Yes.
Tom: Swear?
The Guy: Yes.
Tom: Pinky swear? (Holds out his pinky)
The Guy: Pinky swear??
Tom: It's the Starfleet way.
The Guy: (Shrugs and pinky swears)
(But...The Guy doesn't realize how important a pinky swear is. Tuvok enters.)
Tuvok: I've got a report of a Pinky Swear Violation in this room.
Tom: You lied!
The Guy: No! I didn't lie! Honest!
Tuvok: You broke a pinky swear. That's not a good thing. I will escort you to the brig.
(Tuvok puts handcuffs on The Guy)
Tom: Wait! Before you go! What did you lie about?
The Guy: Oh...I lied about my name being unpronounceable. It's really Leslie, but I've never liked that name.
(Tuvok leads The Guy out of the room. Janeway enters with Chakotay close behind her)
Janeway: Why did you do that?
Tom: Do what?
Janeway: Make him pinky swear! You ruined the plot! He was supposed to abduct you, and I was supposed to rescue you!
Tom: Oops.
Janeway: Go away! I don't want to see you again.
(Tom leaves, ashamed.)
Janeway: Chakotay.
Chakotay: Oh no. What now?
Janeway: B'Elanna. Something with B'Elanna. It's 3 o'clock. Time is running out.
Chakotay: What about B'Elanna?
Janeway: (Thinks for a minute) How about, she has to confront her Klingon side through some weird ritual thing, and I have to help her through it.
Chakotay: That sounds familiar...
Janeway: You're right. But it's a plot. Do it.
(Janeway leaves)
Chakotay: I hope I'm getting paid extra for this!
{Scene change to Engineering. B'Elanna is there, fiddling with the warp core. Chakotay enters.}
Chakotay: B'Elanna!
B'Elanna: Not now, Chakotay. I'm busy realigning the central borometer to compensate for the aunic realiment that we've been experiencing.
Chakotay: I have a plot for you.
B'Elanna: (Stops what she's doing) A plot?
Chakotay: A good one, too.
B'Elanna: Does it have Seven?
Chakotay: Nope!
B'Elanna: Then I'm in. What's it about?
Chakotay: Well, you have to confront your Klingon side. The captain helps you.
B'Elanna: Chakotay, I'm sorry, but I'm over that.
Chakotay: Over what?
B'Elanna: Over my Klingon side. I've learned to accept it. Lord knows, I've had enough episodes featuring it, I should be okay with it now.
Chakotay: Listen, this is important. Can't you just fake it?
B'Elanna: (Crosses her arms) Fake it?
Chakotay: Act like you're confronting your Klingon side.
B'Elanna: (Sighs) I'll try.
Chakotay: Good. Go to the holodeck and tear stuff up. The captain will be there soon.
(B'Elanna leaves.)
{Scene change to a holodeck. It's running a program of a toy store. B'Elanna walks through lazily knocking toys off the shelves.}
B'Elanna: (Bored) Dishonor. Dishonor. Oh, I am shamed. I am shamed. Mother. Mother. Why?
(Janeway enters, looked concerned)
Janeway: B'Elanna! Are you okay? Why are you tearing apart the...um...toy store?
B'Elanna: (Knocks over a Teletubby doll) Today is my Mother's birthday. I hate her. I hate my Klingon side. Yeah. All that other stuff.
Janeway: (Leans over and whispers to her) Think you could be a bit more convincing?
B'Elanna: (Knocks a Furby over) Best I can do, captain.
Janeway: (Determined to make this plot work) B'Elanna, I think it's time for you to go through some weird ritual thing.
B'Elanna: (Knocks over an action figure of Janeway) I can't do this! This is stupid!
Janeway: I know you hate your Klingon self, but -
B'Elanna: Captain, I'm over it. I've had at least one episode each season confronting my Klingon side. I've learned to deal with it. I can't fake it.
Janeway: B'Elanna!
B'Elanna: Sorry.
(B'Elanna leaves.)
Janeway: (Starting to look angry) CHAKOTAY!!!
(Chakotay comes running into the holodeck.)
Chakotay: What?
Janeway: New plot. NOW!
Chakotay: What happened to B'Elanna?
Janeway: She wussed out.
Chakotay: (Sighs) Okay. You've tried something with Harry, Seven, the Doctor, Tom, and B'Elanna. How about Neelix?
Janeway: Heck no. Try again.
Chakotay: Why not Neelix?
Janeway: Okay, what kind of plot do you suggest with Neelix?
Chakotay: Um...how about a show trying to show that he's more than just a cook...or...um...never mind. How about Tuvok?
Janeway: Tuvok would work. What's the plot?
Chakotay: Um...he has repressed memories of something, that's starting to make him lose his Vulcan cool. So you have to help him conquer the memories and revert him to his old boring self!
Janeway: Sounds familiar...
Chakotay: Perhaps. But it's a plot. I'll go warn him.
{Scene change to bridge. Tom, Harry, and Tuvok are there. Chakotay enters.}
Chakotay: Ah, Tuvok. Just the Vulcan I wanted to see!
Tuvok: What?
Chakotay: We have a plot with you in it. Do you have any bad memories?
Tuvok: Loads.
Chakotay: Well, start going nuts and having flashbacks and all. Then the captain will help you.
Tuvok: Which memory?
Harry: How about one of the good old days when you were a Vulcan Hippie?
Tuvok: (Glares at Harry)
Harry: Or maybe not.
Tuvok: I have one selected.
Chakotay: Good. The captain's coming any minute now. As soon as she enters.
Tuvok: You got it.
(Chakotay sits in the captain's chair and waits. Soon Janeway enters. She stands next to Tuvok, waiting for him to start having flashbacks.)
Tuvok: (Doesn't do anything)
Janeway: (Waits)
Tuvok: What are you looking at?
Chakotay: Flashbacks, Tuvok! Flashbacks!
Tuvok: Oh, I forgot! What was I doing again?
Janeway: (Starts looking really mad)
Chakotay: (Getting desperate) Bad memories, Tuvok. Bad memories. Remember?
Tuvok: No.
Chakotay: Tuvok, please!
Tuvok: (Just shrugs)
Janeway: Chakotay, I want to see you in my ready room. NOW!
Chakotay: (Winces, and scuttles off to follow Janeway to the ready room.)
Harry: Why'd you do that?
Tuvok: It's called passive resistance.
Tom: Bravo, Tuvok!
Tuvok: (Smiles bashfully) It was nothing, really.
{Scene change to ready room.}
Janeway: Chakotay! There are no other people left. I want a plot!
Chakotay: Well, there is one person left.
Janeway: Who?
Chakotay: Me.
Janeway: (Skeptical) What kind of plot would they do with you?
Chakotay: How about a romance?
Janeway: With whom?
Chakotay: You.
(He grabs Janeway and kisses her rather forcefully.)
(At that moment, millions of J/Cers celebrate.)
Janeway: (Pushes Chakotay away and slaps him) Stop it! You know the producers would never allow that! I'm going to bed.
(Janeway leaves)
Chakotay: I try. I try SO hard. But where does it get me? Nowhere!
(Chakotay exits, rather unhappily)
{Scene change to that little room again with Kate Mulgrew. She's sleeping, but wakes up when the camera focuses on her.)
Kate: Oh? Is it over?
(Waits for the audience to answer)
Kate: As you can see, an average day for Captain Janeway is very exciting. Remember to keep watching Voyager! And remember, (She leans forward) I won that vote, fair and square. No matter what Seven says. (She smiles) Good-bye.