Disclaimer: There are many, many characters/things in this chapter. I own
none of them. So if you want to buy them, don't bother me. I am also unable
to move at slightly less than the speed of sound.
A/n: I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN FOUR WEEKS! REALLY! I'M SORRY! FORGIVE ME! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yeah...Kiki-chan and Makiyo changed their ff.net pennames to Bittersweet Simphony and Whimsical Yume. So that is what I will call them from now on.
If you don't want to read the part of this chapter about me and my insane friends, you can skip it. Nothing happens in it except a lot of bickering and drooling.
Later parts of this chapter are rated PG-13 for various reasons, so if you're squeamish, don't read them.
Chapter 14:
On the roof of P.J.'s office...
The door/hatch/whatever-you-call-it of the stolen Fangirl Inc. helicopter banged open and a very blond, very short, and very hyper blur came tearing out of it at slightly less than the speed of sound.
"We're on top of a building!!" squealed Galadriel in disguise as she rushed around the roof in somewhat lopsided circles. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Oooooh, I can see Aragorn down there!! And he's STILL the hottest living thing on earth!!! Oh my god, he just FLIPPED his HAIR! Ahhhh! I'm going to faint..."
"Stop that immature, sugar crazed, fangirl-esque behavior this INSTANT!!" panted Electrocuted elf as she struggled out of the helicopter. "Don't make me come over there and pull your hair!" This was an empty threat, as Electrocuted elf had Usagi and Bittersweet Simphony clinging tightly to her ankles for reason's which the author STILL hasn't discovered, and couldn't move more than two feet without falling over.
"Yeah!" said Bittersweet Simphony. "And Aragorn is NOT the hottest living thing on earth! Legolas is!"
Usagi attempted to poke her very hard in the ribs without letting go of Electrocuted elf's ankle.
Galadriel in disguise paused to look over the conveniently placed safety railing before she resumed running around in circles. (A/n: Yes, I occasionally do that for recreational purposes) "Faramir is down there too!!!!!!!!" she chortled. "And Elrohir, and Merry, and Boromir, and Pippin..."
"Did you say PIPPIN?" squealed Electrocuted elf. She lunged forward and immediately fell flat on her face.
"Aragorn is sexy, Aragorn is sexy," sang Galadriel in disguise, as she continued her madcap orbit of the helicopter. "He's sexier than EVERYBODY..." she tripped over Electrocuted elf and did a spectacular array of purely unintentional summersaults before coming to rest at the very edge of the roof. "Wow, I can see Aragorn's hair even better from over here!!"
Whimsical Yume stuck her head out of the helicopter. "You guys are SO pathetic. So totally, extremely pathetic, that I am not even going to attempt to correct you, as it would doubtless be hopeless."
Galadriel in disguise disentangled herself from her friends and stood up. "I'm NOT pathetic!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Well at least we're not in love with Ken from Weiss Kreuz," muttered Bittersweet Simphony sulkily as Electrocuted elf managed to pry her fingers off her ankle.
"I do NOT love Ken!" shouted Whimsical Yume. "Oh my GOD, you PERVS!!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Electrocuted elf at the top of her lungs. There was instant silence. "I didn't fly all the here way from California to stand up here bickering! We can bicker when we get back! Now lets all get OFF this ROOF! Are you coming, Whimsy?"
"My name is NOT Whimsy," said Whimsical Yume with an heir of affronted dignity. "And no, I am NOT going to participate in your fangirl drooling spree, thank you very much. SOMEONE has to stay here and fix the helicopter," she disappeared into the cockpit.
"Fangirl drooling spree!" muttered Galadriel in disguise. "Gahhhh!" she turned to Electrocuted elf. "So, how do you plan to get off the roof?"
"Uh..."
* * * * * * * *
Meanwhile, on the ground, things weren't significantly more pointless than they were on the roof.
The various LOTR characters on P.J.'s lawn were mostly still committing random acts of extreme annoyance, that is, blowing things up, burning things, pouring toxic liquids on shrubbery, smashing expensive cars, breaking windows, picketing, attempting to use a laser canon and pretty much failing miserably, taking drugs, making out under park benches, singing Michael Jackson songs (obviously, that's the rangers) digging large holes in order to deface the landscaping, leafleting, directing choirs of undead tone deaf creatures that resemble lemmings but really aren't, or in the case of Ioreth, attacking Bill Ferny's mouth with a sandblaster to make "gosh darn sure" she'd scoured all the "filth-flarn-filth" out of it.
The only people who weren't participating in these deplorable and largely immature acts were the Fellowship, Imrahil, Elrohir, and Elladan the chicken. THEY were hiding behind some dumpsters with Bill Ferny's abandoned stash of Budweiser.
"This sucks," said Legolas gloomily. "We're stuck behind some dumpsters."
"Wow, I hadn't noticed!!!" snapped Gandalf.
Legolas ignored him. "And we can't come out from behind the dumpsters because the lawn is covered in CRAZY PEOPLE, the Wellington Police department is probably looking for us, and there are five vigilante fangirls on the roof, one of which wants to kill me."
"We know," muttered Gimli. "You can stop stating the painfully obvious."
"And," continued Legolas, "Halbarad borrowed my blue hair brush and he refuses to give it back! Stupid ranger!" he glared between the dumpsters to where Halbarad and the other rangers were doing the song and dance routine to 'Beat it'. "That was my favorite hairbrush! It's not fair! In fact it's a violation of my civil liberties! The fifth amendment clearly states--"
"Legolas," said Aragorn through gritted teeth. "Do us all a favor and SHUT the hell UP! We don't care about your hairbrush or your *&%^$ civil liberties! This is New Zealand!"
Legolas kicked him and climbed inside a dumpster to continue his now slightly muffled tirade without interruption.
"Get off my head, Elladan!" shouted Elrohir. "You're a bird now, and I do NOT let birds sit on my head! If you #$^% on my hair, I will KILL you!!!"
Elladan squawked indignantly and pecked him.
"OUCH! F&%#ING CHICKEN!" Elrohir attempted to detach his brother from his tangled elfie braids. "Let GO! God, your feet are hell of sharp!"
Elladan pecked him again.
"Ahh! I'm serious! Get OFF my head! Legolas jacked my shampoo and Halbarad stole my blow-dryer last week, so if you f*** with my hair I'm screwed...OUCH!"
Frodo covered his ears. "Gandalf, will you PLEASE turn Elladan back into an elf, so Elrohir will stop screaming? I feel a migraine coming on!"
Gandalf scowled and sipped his lukewarm beer. "No."
"Why the hell not??" asked Frodo. He went slightly cross eyed. "AHHH! It's getting worse!"
"Because I said so," said Gandalf. "And you haven't really got a migraine, you idiotic whiner. You're just faking."
"ELLADAN, YOU FREAK! THIS SHIRT COST $5,000!!!! BAD BAD CHICKEN!"
Frodo fell over and began doing his best 'I'm not faking people, Gandalf has a spoon up his ass' moaning routine.
"Stupid *&^%$%^ hobbits," muttered Gandalf into his beer.
"THAT'S IT! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY BARBEQUE!" Elrohir was now chasing Elladan in circles and stepping on people who got in his way. "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU FOR DINNER, SO HELP ME GOD!"
Aragorn sighed in exasperation. "Calm the #*^% down, Elrohir! You know very well that if you eat Elladan for dinner Arwen will kick us out of Minas Tirith on our asses!"
"Um, isn't it like your castle?" asked Imrahil.
"Well...yes..."
"Aragorn is THE most hen-pecked man in Gondor, possibly the entire world." said Elrohir gleefully. "ELLADAN! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! LEAVE THE SHOE ALONE!!!!"
Frodo did some more twitching and moaning.
Sam cleared his throat menacingly and began hunting for his frying pan.
"Oh fine, be that way!" grumbled Gandalf. "I can't change Elladan back into a *&%^$#% elf because my staff is recharging."
"Your staff is recharging?" asked Frodo blankly.
"Uh huh."
"But I thought it was the flame of Anor, or some shit!"
"Well," said Gandalf uncomfortably, "I do use solar batteries..."
"That is so *&^%#$," muttered Frodo.
"ELLADAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Elrohir. Elladan, who had flown out of reach up a tree, made smug chicken noises and began preening himself. Elrohir collapsed in an exhausted heap next to Aragorn.
"I *pant* hate *pant* his *pant* freaking *pant* chicken *pant* guts!!!!!! Gahhhhh!!"
Aragorn rolled his eyes and poured the remainder of his beer over Elrohir's head.
Pippin opened up another case of warm Budweiser. "I bet I can chug more beer than you, Merry!"
"Want to bet, dude? I can chug more beer than ANYONE! My record is FIVE GALLONS!!!"
"Oh yeah? My record is TEN GALLONS!"
"I used to be the beer chugging champion of Gondor," said Boromir wistfully. "I once chugged SIXTEEN gallons without stopping. Now, however..." he sighed sadly and prodded his insubstantial midriff.
Gandalf cleared his throat. "Excuse me, we're in New Zealand now."
"So?" said Boromir. "We, unlike some other people, are not quoting the bill of rights."
"Your using gallons as a unit a of liquid measurement!!! In New Zealand the use the METRIC SYSTEM! My god, can you be any denser??"
"Uhhhhh...Metric System?"
Gandalf sighed. "You guys are such freaking assholes..."
Meanwhile, on the other side of the dumpsters...
"WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!!!!!" screamed Gildor's commie elf troop.
"Oh, come on! Be reasonable!" pleaded a harried security guard. "Mr. Jackson is not going to come out here and submit to a so called "citizen's arrest." You aren't even citizens for gods sake!!!"
"HE LEFT US OUT OF THE MOVIES!!!!!!!!"
"He put you back into the extended edition of FOTR."
"WE LOOKED TOTALLY GAY! WE OBJECT!"
"You ARE totally gay!" called the Mouth of Sauron.
"SHUT UP!!!" screamed GCET. "WE ARE NOT GAY! WE ARE...BISEXUAL!!!"
"Oh, big difference," muttered the Mouth of Sauron. "Stupid poncy elves!"
"Hypocrite!" shouted Saruman. "I know all about your dirty weekend with Sauron!"
"THAT'S A LIE!!!"
"No it's not. I saw it in the Palantir."
"You SICKO!!" yelled Wormtongue. "I thought you were only spying on Elrond and Glorfindel!"
"WHAT??" shouted Glorfindel, accidentally blowing a large hole in the street with his laser cannon. "I NEVER shagged Elrond! Unlike GILDOR over there!!"
Gildor sniffed and kicked another security guard. "Commie elves shag where they want to!"
"This is DISGUISTING!" moaned Beregond. "Bergil, cover your ears!"
"Disgusting?" exclaimed Saruman. "What you and Denethor were doing was disgusting! Although I must admit, the thing with the whip cream was--"
"GENTLEMEN!" shrieked Ioreth. "This fanfiction is STILL PG. Kindly do not discuss your dirty sex lives!"
"Do you know that Saruman was dating Lurtz?" asked Wormtongue conversationally. Saruman hit him on the head with a shovel and Ioreth began chasing him around the lawn with her sandblaster. Bill Ferny was lying temporarily forgotten under a shrub. Not for long, however...
* * * * * * * *
"No, Usagi. We will not use Legolas as landing pad!" said Galadriel in disguise patiently.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not done bashing him!"
Usagi muttered something that sounded like 'party pooper.'
"Ahem. Okay, does anyone else have any ideas for getting the hell off this roof, not including jumping onto lead characters heads?"
"We could cut off all our hair and make a rope!" suggested Bittersweet Simphony.
"NO!" shouted everyone else.
"Hah!" said Whimsical Yume. "You're all stuck up here. I can't believe it. Most of you get straight A's and you cannot find a way down from a roof! Becoming fangirls must have melted your brains."
"Wait...what about the helicopter parachute?" asked Electrocuted elf. "We could use that!"
There was a long pause where everyone mentally kicked themselves for not thinking of that first.
* * * * * * * *
"WHEN YOU ARE STONED, AND YOU'RE SEEING PINK PONIES, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO...DOWNTOWN...!" sang the lemmings...er, Barrow Wights.
"No! No! No!" shouted Tom Bombadil. "For the 5,987,342,083,851,000 time, it's 'when you're alone and life is making you lonely'! There is nothing about stoners or oddly colored ponies in this song!"
Barrow Wight #45 raised his hand tentatively. "Um, Mr. Bombadil sir? Why do we have to sing 'Downtown,' aka the most nauseating song in the universe? Why can't we chant cool union slogans like those elves over there?"
Tom Bombadil glanced over to where the commie elf troop was belting out "Solidarity Forever" and doing a choreographed dance that seemed to involve hitting random security guards with their picket signs.
"We are not going to act like those despicable elves over there!" sniffed Bombadil. "They are NOT musicians, unlike me. We are going to sing the NICE, HAPPY song entitled 'Downtown'! Is that clear??"
"Yes, Mr. Bombadil," groaned the Barrow Wights, except for #45 who was attempting to shoot himself in the head, and not having much success seeing as he was dead in the first place.
"You? A musician?" scoffed Erkenbrand. "My cat can sing better than you!!"
"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY TOMMYKINS!?!?!?!?!" shrieked Goldberry. "I'LL GET YOU, YOU STUPID MORTAL!" she began bombarding Erkenbrand with her leaflet thingies. Erkenbrand misfired the laser cannon, AGAIN, and blew up P.J.'s five million dollar limo.
"Hey!" shouted Quickbeam. "I wasn't done smashing that!"
"Oh shut up, you poncy tree!" called Glorfindel, who was attempting to confiscate Goldberry's leaflets before she could do any more damage with them.
"I'M NOT A #%&^#$* TREE, YOU FREAK!" bellowed Quickbeam. "I'M AN ENT! ENT ENT ENT ENT ENT ENT ENT!!!!!!!!! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AND STEP ON YOU!!!"
"Bring it on leafy!" yelled Erkenbrand, pulling out his sword.
"Five dollars on the tree!" called Gildor.
"I'M NOT A TREE!"
"Dude, calm down!" said Círdan. "Take a chill pill! Er...chilled ent draft...er..."
"That human called me a tree!" said Quickbeam, pointing imperiously at Erkenbrand. "Now I'm going to KICK HIS ASS!"
"I never called you a tree!" said Erkenbrand. "It was them!" he tried to simultaneously point at Glorfindel and Gildor and ended up dropping his sword on his foot.
Quickbeam, thinking this was some kind of subtle insult, went ballistic. "ARRRRRGH!! I'M GOING TO GET YOU, YOU IMPUDENT MORTAL!!" He lunged at Erkenbrand, who screamed loudly and went tearing off across the lawn until he ran smack into the rangers and started them singing again. "IF YOU WANNA STAY ALIVE, BEAT IT! JUST BEAT IT! IF YOU WANNA BE BAD, BEAT IT! JUST BEAT IT! BEAT IT, BEEEEEAT IT--"
"Nooooooo!" Erkenbrand stuffed his fingers in his ears. "MAKE THEM SHUT UP!!!" He attempted to crawl under a park bench to escape both Quickbeam and the onslaught of bad 80's pop music. Unfortunately for him, the nearest underside of a park bench was occupied by Eowyn and Faramir.
"Push off!" yelled Faramir, aiming a kick at Erkenbrand. "Find your own bloody park bench!"
Erkenbrand whimpered and dived behind some dumpsters...right into Aragorn's lap.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Aragorn and Erkenbrand.
"I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" shouted Quickbeam.
"Go away!!" yelled Gandalf. "We came back here to get away from psychos like you!"
Erkenbrand whimpered again and latched onto Aragorn's leg.
"FEE! FI! FOE! FUM!" bellowed Quickbeam. "I SMELL THE BLOOD OF...A DUDE FROM ROHAN!!! *cough cough* Ahem! FEAR ME!!!"
"Oh, *&%&," groaned Elrohir. "We're going to get trampled to death by a crazed ent! Why didn't I listen to Ada and stay home??"
"We aren't going to get trampled!" Gandalf and Gimli shoved the loudly protesting Aragorn and Erkenbrand into a dumpster and shut the lid. "There!"
Quickbeam thought about smashing the dumpster, but decided it wasn't worth the trouble. He grumbled to himself and went off to stomp some rangers.
"That was a close one!" chirped Frodo.
"Is it just me, or did Gandalf just shut my little brother in a dumpster?" asked Elrohir.
**************************************************************************** ********************
A/n: Yeah, I know, still no P.J. I promise I'll put him in the next chapter.
However, the next chapter may very well be sometime in April, since I have this HUGE research paper due. HUGE! Like twenty pages! *sigh* I hate my teachers.
To my reviewers: Faramir's Guardian Angel: Sense is overrated! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!
AlyEvenstar: Okay, I'll put you in!
bittersweet symphony: I hate Mrs. Davies too. She is convinced that everyone can sing soprano, and as a result, ALL THE SONGS IN THE PLAY ARE TO HIGH FOR ME!
kat-me: I added more! Finally...
Pherhyandoiel: I might let you keep him for a while...
ZappedAtom: You're a freak, you know that? I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP! I WILL GET YOU!!! ALL LITTLE BROTHERS MUST BE STABBED WITH FORKS!
I'm From Tookland: Stacy's Mom is one of the very very very very very very very worst songs in the WORLD!
Nienna Elanor: I'll turn Elladan back into an elf eventually...but not to soon...
Saralitazie: Glorfindel is all yours! Except I'm going to have him get arrested in the next chapter...
happy molecule: I'm planning to put Elrond in, maybe in Ch. 17.
hyperactive forever: YES! MURDER ARNOLD! Or better yet, TERMINATE HIM! I hate having him for my governor, my cousins in other states all laugh at me.
mousie2: I keep meaning to read your fanfiction and then I forget...stupid short term memory...
lemluvspirates: NOT THE PENCAPS! NOOOO!! Sorry you aren't in yet. I WILL write plan B though, I promise!
BURN THE R.U.M.: Well...it's a big lawn...
Kekelina: Aragorn is MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! *electrocuted elf magically appears and slaps me* sorry...got a little possessive there...yeah, he's SEXY! I nearly fainted during ROTK.
Inuyesha: I'll put you in with Elrond...
Jackie-Obie: Flipper? *gasp* Cosmopolitan? *faints* EEK! Lemmings are cool though.
Galadriel-in-disguise aka Zapped Atom again: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU USED MY ACCOUNT TO REVIEW MY STORY! I'M GOING TO DISEMBOWL YOU WITH DAD'S POWER SAW!!!!
A/n: I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN FOUR WEEKS! REALLY! I'M SORRY! FORGIVE ME! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yeah...Kiki-chan and Makiyo changed their ff.net pennames to Bittersweet Simphony and Whimsical Yume. So that is what I will call them from now on.
If you don't want to read the part of this chapter about me and my insane friends, you can skip it. Nothing happens in it except a lot of bickering and drooling.
Later parts of this chapter are rated PG-13 for various reasons, so if you're squeamish, don't read them.
Chapter 14:
On the roof of P.J.'s office...
The door/hatch/whatever-you-call-it of the stolen Fangirl Inc. helicopter banged open and a very blond, very short, and very hyper blur came tearing out of it at slightly less than the speed of sound.
"We're on top of a building!!" squealed Galadriel in disguise as she rushed around the roof in somewhat lopsided circles. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Oooooh, I can see Aragorn down there!! And he's STILL the hottest living thing on earth!!! Oh my god, he just FLIPPED his HAIR! Ahhhh! I'm going to faint..."
"Stop that immature, sugar crazed, fangirl-esque behavior this INSTANT!!" panted Electrocuted elf as she struggled out of the helicopter. "Don't make me come over there and pull your hair!" This was an empty threat, as Electrocuted elf had Usagi and Bittersweet Simphony clinging tightly to her ankles for reason's which the author STILL hasn't discovered, and couldn't move more than two feet without falling over.
"Yeah!" said Bittersweet Simphony. "And Aragorn is NOT the hottest living thing on earth! Legolas is!"
Usagi attempted to poke her very hard in the ribs without letting go of Electrocuted elf's ankle.
Galadriel in disguise paused to look over the conveniently placed safety railing before she resumed running around in circles. (A/n: Yes, I occasionally do that for recreational purposes) "Faramir is down there too!!!!!!!!" she chortled. "And Elrohir, and Merry, and Boromir, and Pippin..."
"Did you say PIPPIN?" squealed Electrocuted elf. She lunged forward and immediately fell flat on her face.
"Aragorn is sexy, Aragorn is sexy," sang Galadriel in disguise, as she continued her madcap orbit of the helicopter. "He's sexier than EVERYBODY..." she tripped over Electrocuted elf and did a spectacular array of purely unintentional summersaults before coming to rest at the very edge of the roof. "Wow, I can see Aragorn's hair even better from over here!!"
Whimsical Yume stuck her head out of the helicopter. "You guys are SO pathetic. So totally, extremely pathetic, that I am not even going to attempt to correct you, as it would doubtless be hopeless."
Galadriel in disguise disentangled herself from her friends and stood up. "I'm NOT pathetic!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Well at least we're not in love with Ken from Weiss Kreuz," muttered Bittersweet Simphony sulkily as Electrocuted elf managed to pry her fingers off her ankle.
"I do NOT love Ken!" shouted Whimsical Yume. "Oh my GOD, you PERVS!!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"SHUT UP!" yelled Electrocuted elf at the top of her lungs. There was instant silence. "I didn't fly all the here way from California to stand up here bickering! We can bicker when we get back! Now lets all get OFF this ROOF! Are you coming, Whimsy?"
"My name is NOT Whimsy," said Whimsical Yume with an heir of affronted dignity. "And no, I am NOT going to participate in your fangirl drooling spree, thank you very much. SOMEONE has to stay here and fix the helicopter," she disappeared into the cockpit.
"Fangirl drooling spree!" muttered Galadriel in disguise. "Gahhhh!" she turned to Electrocuted elf. "So, how do you plan to get off the roof?"
"Uh..."
* * * * * * * *
Meanwhile, on the ground, things weren't significantly more pointless than they were on the roof.
The various LOTR characters on P.J.'s lawn were mostly still committing random acts of extreme annoyance, that is, blowing things up, burning things, pouring toxic liquids on shrubbery, smashing expensive cars, breaking windows, picketing, attempting to use a laser canon and pretty much failing miserably, taking drugs, making out under park benches, singing Michael Jackson songs (obviously, that's the rangers) digging large holes in order to deface the landscaping, leafleting, directing choirs of undead tone deaf creatures that resemble lemmings but really aren't, or in the case of Ioreth, attacking Bill Ferny's mouth with a sandblaster to make "gosh darn sure" she'd scoured all the "filth-flarn-filth" out of it.
The only people who weren't participating in these deplorable and largely immature acts were the Fellowship, Imrahil, Elrohir, and Elladan the chicken. THEY were hiding behind some dumpsters with Bill Ferny's abandoned stash of Budweiser.
"This sucks," said Legolas gloomily. "We're stuck behind some dumpsters."
"Wow, I hadn't noticed!!!" snapped Gandalf.
Legolas ignored him. "And we can't come out from behind the dumpsters because the lawn is covered in CRAZY PEOPLE, the Wellington Police department is probably looking for us, and there are five vigilante fangirls on the roof, one of which wants to kill me."
"We know," muttered Gimli. "You can stop stating the painfully obvious."
"And," continued Legolas, "Halbarad borrowed my blue hair brush and he refuses to give it back! Stupid ranger!" he glared between the dumpsters to where Halbarad and the other rangers were doing the song and dance routine to 'Beat it'. "That was my favorite hairbrush! It's not fair! In fact it's a violation of my civil liberties! The fifth amendment clearly states--"
"Legolas," said Aragorn through gritted teeth. "Do us all a favor and SHUT the hell UP! We don't care about your hairbrush or your *&%^$ civil liberties! This is New Zealand!"
Legolas kicked him and climbed inside a dumpster to continue his now slightly muffled tirade without interruption.
"Get off my head, Elladan!" shouted Elrohir. "You're a bird now, and I do NOT let birds sit on my head! If you #$^% on my hair, I will KILL you!!!"
Elladan squawked indignantly and pecked him.
"OUCH! F&%#ING CHICKEN!" Elrohir attempted to detach his brother from his tangled elfie braids. "Let GO! God, your feet are hell of sharp!"
Elladan pecked him again.
"Ahh! I'm serious! Get OFF my head! Legolas jacked my shampoo and Halbarad stole my blow-dryer last week, so if you f*** with my hair I'm screwed...OUCH!"
Frodo covered his ears. "Gandalf, will you PLEASE turn Elladan back into an elf, so Elrohir will stop screaming? I feel a migraine coming on!"
Gandalf scowled and sipped his lukewarm beer. "No."
"Why the hell not??" asked Frodo. He went slightly cross eyed. "AHHH! It's getting worse!"
"Because I said so," said Gandalf. "And you haven't really got a migraine, you idiotic whiner. You're just faking."
"ELLADAN, YOU FREAK! THIS SHIRT COST $5,000!!!! BAD BAD CHICKEN!"
Frodo fell over and began doing his best 'I'm not faking people, Gandalf has a spoon up his ass' moaning routine.
"Stupid *&^%$%^ hobbits," muttered Gandalf into his beer.
"THAT'S IT! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY BARBEQUE!" Elrohir was now chasing Elladan in circles and stepping on people who got in his way. "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU FOR DINNER, SO HELP ME GOD!"
Aragorn sighed in exasperation. "Calm the #*^% down, Elrohir! You know very well that if you eat Elladan for dinner Arwen will kick us out of Minas Tirith on our asses!"
"Um, isn't it like your castle?" asked Imrahil.
"Well...yes..."
"Aragorn is THE most hen-pecked man in Gondor, possibly the entire world." said Elrohir gleefully. "ELLADAN! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! LEAVE THE SHOE ALONE!!!!"
Frodo did some more twitching and moaning.
Sam cleared his throat menacingly and began hunting for his frying pan.
"Oh fine, be that way!" grumbled Gandalf. "I can't change Elladan back into a *&%^$#% elf because my staff is recharging."
"Your staff is recharging?" asked Frodo blankly.
"Uh huh."
"But I thought it was the flame of Anor, or some shit!"
"Well," said Gandalf uncomfortably, "I do use solar batteries..."
"That is so *&^%#$," muttered Frodo.
"ELLADAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Elrohir. Elladan, who had flown out of reach up a tree, made smug chicken noises and began preening himself. Elrohir collapsed in an exhausted heap next to Aragorn.
"I *pant* hate *pant* his *pant* freaking *pant* chicken *pant* guts!!!!!! Gahhhhh!!"
Aragorn rolled his eyes and poured the remainder of his beer over Elrohir's head.
Pippin opened up another case of warm Budweiser. "I bet I can chug more beer than you, Merry!"
"Want to bet, dude? I can chug more beer than ANYONE! My record is FIVE GALLONS!!!"
"Oh yeah? My record is TEN GALLONS!"
"I used to be the beer chugging champion of Gondor," said Boromir wistfully. "I once chugged SIXTEEN gallons without stopping. Now, however..." he sighed sadly and prodded his insubstantial midriff.
Gandalf cleared his throat. "Excuse me, we're in New Zealand now."
"So?" said Boromir. "We, unlike some other people, are not quoting the bill of rights."
"Your using gallons as a unit a of liquid measurement!!! In New Zealand the use the METRIC SYSTEM! My god, can you be any denser??"
"Uhhhhh...Metric System?"
Gandalf sighed. "You guys are such freaking assholes..."
Meanwhile, on the other side of the dumpsters...
"WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!!!!!" screamed Gildor's commie elf troop.
"Oh, come on! Be reasonable!" pleaded a harried security guard. "Mr. Jackson is not going to come out here and submit to a so called "citizen's arrest." You aren't even citizens for gods sake!!!"
"HE LEFT US OUT OF THE MOVIES!!!!!!!!"
"He put you back into the extended edition of FOTR."
"WE LOOKED TOTALLY GAY! WE OBJECT!"
"You ARE totally gay!" called the Mouth of Sauron.
"SHUT UP!!!" screamed GCET. "WE ARE NOT GAY! WE ARE...BISEXUAL!!!"
"Oh, big difference," muttered the Mouth of Sauron. "Stupid poncy elves!"
"Hypocrite!" shouted Saruman. "I know all about your dirty weekend with Sauron!"
"THAT'S A LIE!!!"
"No it's not. I saw it in the Palantir."
"You SICKO!!" yelled Wormtongue. "I thought you were only spying on Elrond and Glorfindel!"
"WHAT??" shouted Glorfindel, accidentally blowing a large hole in the street with his laser cannon. "I NEVER shagged Elrond! Unlike GILDOR over there!!"
Gildor sniffed and kicked another security guard. "Commie elves shag where they want to!"
"This is DISGUISTING!" moaned Beregond. "Bergil, cover your ears!"
"Disgusting?" exclaimed Saruman. "What you and Denethor were doing was disgusting! Although I must admit, the thing with the whip cream was--"
"GENTLEMEN!" shrieked Ioreth. "This fanfiction is STILL PG. Kindly do not discuss your dirty sex lives!"
"Do you know that Saruman was dating Lurtz?" asked Wormtongue conversationally. Saruman hit him on the head with a shovel and Ioreth began chasing him around the lawn with her sandblaster. Bill Ferny was lying temporarily forgotten under a shrub. Not for long, however...
* * * * * * * *
"No, Usagi. We will not use Legolas as landing pad!" said Galadriel in disguise patiently.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not done bashing him!"
Usagi muttered something that sounded like 'party pooper.'
"Ahem. Okay, does anyone else have any ideas for getting the hell off this roof, not including jumping onto lead characters heads?"
"We could cut off all our hair and make a rope!" suggested Bittersweet Simphony.
"NO!" shouted everyone else.
"Hah!" said Whimsical Yume. "You're all stuck up here. I can't believe it. Most of you get straight A's and you cannot find a way down from a roof! Becoming fangirls must have melted your brains."
"Wait...what about the helicopter parachute?" asked Electrocuted elf. "We could use that!"
There was a long pause where everyone mentally kicked themselves for not thinking of that first.
* * * * * * * *
"WHEN YOU ARE STONED, AND YOU'RE SEEING PINK PONIES, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO...DOWNTOWN...!" sang the lemmings...er, Barrow Wights.
"No! No! No!" shouted Tom Bombadil. "For the 5,987,342,083,851,000 time, it's 'when you're alone and life is making you lonely'! There is nothing about stoners or oddly colored ponies in this song!"
Barrow Wight #45 raised his hand tentatively. "Um, Mr. Bombadil sir? Why do we have to sing 'Downtown,' aka the most nauseating song in the universe? Why can't we chant cool union slogans like those elves over there?"
Tom Bombadil glanced over to where the commie elf troop was belting out "Solidarity Forever" and doing a choreographed dance that seemed to involve hitting random security guards with their picket signs.
"We are not going to act like those despicable elves over there!" sniffed Bombadil. "They are NOT musicians, unlike me. We are going to sing the NICE, HAPPY song entitled 'Downtown'! Is that clear??"
"Yes, Mr. Bombadil," groaned the Barrow Wights, except for #45 who was attempting to shoot himself in the head, and not having much success seeing as he was dead in the first place.
"You? A musician?" scoffed Erkenbrand. "My cat can sing better than you!!"
"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY TOMMYKINS!?!?!?!?!" shrieked Goldberry. "I'LL GET YOU, YOU STUPID MORTAL!" she began bombarding Erkenbrand with her leaflet thingies. Erkenbrand misfired the laser cannon, AGAIN, and blew up P.J.'s five million dollar limo.
"Hey!" shouted Quickbeam. "I wasn't done smashing that!"
"Oh shut up, you poncy tree!" called Glorfindel, who was attempting to confiscate Goldberry's leaflets before she could do any more damage with them.
"I'M NOT A #%&^#$* TREE, YOU FREAK!" bellowed Quickbeam. "I'M AN ENT! ENT ENT ENT ENT ENT ENT ENT!!!!!!!!! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AND STEP ON YOU!!!"
"Bring it on leafy!" yelled Erkenbrand, pulling out his sword.
"Five dollars on the tree!" called Gildor.
"I'M NOT A TREE!"
"Dude, calm down!" said Círdan. "Take a chill pill! Er...chilled ent draft...er..."
"That human called me a tree!" said Quickbeam, pointing imperiously at Erkenbrand. "Now I'm going to KICK HIS ASS!"
"I never called you a tree!" said Erkenbrand. "It was them!" he tried to simultaneously point at Glorfindel and Gildor and ended up dropping his sword on his foot.
Quickbeam, thinking this was some kind of subtle insult, went ballistic. "ARRRRRGH!! I'M GOING TO GET YOU, YOU IMPUDENT MORTAL!!" He lunged at Erkenbrand, who screamed loudly and went tearing off across the lawn until he ran smack into the rangers and started them singing again. "IF YOU WANNA STAY ALIVE, BEAT IT! JUST BEAT IT! IF YOU WANNA BE BAD, BEAT IT! JUST BEAT IT! BEAT IT, BEEEEEAT IT--"
"Nooooooo!" Erkenbrand stuffed his fingers in his ears. "MAKE THEM SHUT UP!!!" He attempted to crawl under a park bench to escape both Quickbeam and the onslaught of bad 80's pop music. Unfortunately for him, the nearest underside of a park bench was occupied by Eowyn and Faramir.
"Push off!" yelled Faramir, aiming a kick at Erkenbrand. "Find your own bloody park bench!"
Erkenbrand whimpered and dived behind some dumpsters...right into Aragorn's lap.
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Aragorn and Erkenbrand.
"I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" shouted Quickbeam.
"Go away!!" yelled Gandalf. "We came back here to get away from psychos like you!"
Erkenbrand whimpered again and latched onto Aragorn's leg.
"FEE! FI! FOE! FUM!" bellowed Quickbeam. "I SMELL THE BLOOD OF...A DUDE FROM ROHAN!!! *cough cough* Ahem! FEAR ME!!!"
"Oh, *&%&," groaned Elrohir. "We're going to get trampled to death by a crazed ent! Why didn't I listen to Ada and stay home??"
"We aren't going to get trampled!" Gandalf and Gimli shoved the loudly protesting Aragorn and Erkenbrand into a dumpster and shut the lid. "There!"
Quickbeam thought about smashing the dumpster, but decided it wasn't worth the trouble. He grumbled to himself and went off to stomp some rangers.
"That was a close one!" chirped Frodo.
"Is it just me, or did Gandalf just shut my little brother in a dumpster?" asked Elrohir.
**************************************************************************** ********************
A/n: Yeah, I know, still no P.J. I promise I'll put him in the next chapter.
However, the next chapter may very well be sometime in April, since I have this HUGE research paper due. HUGE! Like twenty pages! *sigh* I hate my teachers.
To my reviewers: Faramir's Guardian Angel: Sense is overrated! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!
AlyEvenstar: Okay, I'll put you in!
bittersweet symphony: I hate Mrs. Davies too. She is convinced that everyone can sing soprano, and as a result, ALL THE SONGS IN THE PLAY ARE TO HIGH FOR ME!
kat-me: I added more! Finally...
Pherhyandoiel: I might let you keep him for a while...
ZappedAtom: You're a freak, you know that? I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP! I WILL GET YOU!!! ALL LITTLE BROTHERS MUST BE STABBED WITH FORKS!
I'm From Tookland: Stacy's Mom is one of the very very very very very very very worst songs in the WORLD!
Nienna Elanor: I'll turn Elladan back into an elf eventually...but not to soon...
Saralitazie: Glorfindel is all yours! Except I'm going to have him get arrested in the next chapter...
happy molecule: I'm planning to put Elrond in, maybe in Ch. 17.
hyperactive forever: YES! MURDER ARNOLD! Or better yet, TERMINATE HIM! I hate having him for my governor, my cousins in other states all laugh at me.
mousie2: I keep meaning to read your fanfiction and then I forget...stupid short term memory...
lemluvspirates: NOT THE PENCAPS! NOOOO!! Sorry you aren't in yet. I WILL write plan B though, I promise!
BURN THE R.U.M.: Well...it's a big lawn...
Kekelina: Aragorn is MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! *electrocuted elf magically appears and slaps me* sorry...got a little possessive there...yeah, he's SEXY! I nearly fainted during ROTK.
Inuyesha: I'll put you in with Elrond...
Jackie-Obie: Flipper? *gasp* Cosmopolitan? *faints* EEK! Lemmings are cool though.
Galadriel-in-disguise aka Zapped Atom again: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU USED MY ACCOUNT TO REVIEW MY STORY! I'M GOING TO DISEMBOWL YOU WITH DAD'S POWER SAW!!!!