*The Child's Guide to "A Song of Ice and Fire"*
Lesson 1: Bran
See Bran.
See Bran run.
Oops!
Now Bran can't run.
Bad Jaime!
See the reader blink in disbelief.
See Bran.
See Jojen.
See Jojen fortell Bran's ultimate demise.
See Theon hang up Bran's mutilated corpse.
Bad Jojen!
Bad Theon!
Bad, bad George R. R. Martin!
See the reader pound the book with his fist.
See him throw the book across the room.
See him step on it.
The book, that is.
See Bran.
See Bran alive.
Yay!
Good George R. R. Martin!
Lesson 2: Eddard
See Ned.
See the reader assume Ned is the protagonist.
Assume, reader, assume!
See Ned get decapitated.
Oops!
Lesson 3: Catelyn
See Catelyn.
Catelyn lives happily in Winterfell.
See her whine.
Whine, Catelyn, whine!
See Ned die.
See Catelyn whine.
See Arya vanish.
Whine, Catelyn, whine.
See Bran and Rickon pronounced dead.
Whine, Catelyn, whine.
See Catelyn put a sword to Jaime's neck.
Yay!
See Catelyn let Jaime out of her dungeon.
Boo.
See Catelyn whine some more about Sansa.
Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine.
See Robb die.
See Catelyn die.
Yay!
See Catelyn resurrected as a mute testament to her grief and sorrow.
See the reader whine now.
Lesson 4: The Hound
See Spot.
See Spot run.
Run, Spot, run!
See Spot run down innocent civilians.
Good boy, Spot!
Lesson 5: Arya
See Arya.
See Arya kick ass.
Kick, Arya, kick!
See Arya whoop Joffrey.
Whoop, Arya, whoop!
See Arya murder people at Harrenhal.
Kill, Arya, kill!
See Arya get hit in the back of the head with an axe.
No!
Not Arya!
See the reader forsake the entire series.
See him lock the books away in a trunk.
See him lock the trunk away in an attic.
See him lock the attic away in the house.
See him burn the house down.
See him read Terry Goodkind instead.
Oh, no!
The reader is sad.
Poor reader!
Poor Arya!
See him find "A Storm of Swords" in the library again
after decades.
See him read ahead by accident.
Oh!
Arya isn't dead after all!
'We love you, George!' says the reader.
That's all I could think of for now. Maybe I'll do a followup sometime later, if you like this.
Lesson 1: Bran
See Bran.
See Bran run.
Oops!
Now Bran can't run.
Bad Jaime!
See the reader blink in disbelief.
See Bran.
See Jojen.
See Jojen fortell Bran's ultimate demise.
See Theon hang up Bran's mutilated corpse.
Bad Jojen!
Bad Theon!
Bad, bad George R. R. Martin!
See the reader pound the book with his fist.
See him throw the book across the room.
See him step on it.
The book, that is.
See Bran.
See Bran alive.
Yay!
Good George R. R. Martin!
Lesson 2: Eddard
See Ned.
See the reader assume Ned is the protagonist.
Assume, reader, assume!
See Ned get decapitated.
Oops!
Lesson 3: Catelyn
See Catelyn.
Catelyn lives happily in Winterfell.
See her whine.
Whine, Catelyn, whine!
See Ned die.
See Catelyn whine.
See Arya vanish.
Whine, Catelyn, whine.
See Bran and Rickon pronounced dead.
Whine, Catelyn, whine.
See Catelyn put a sword to Jaime's neck.
Yay!
See Catelyn let Jaime out of her dungeon.
Boo.
See Catelyn whine some more about Sansa.
Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine.
See Robb die.
See Catelyn die.
Yay!
See Catelyn resurrected as a mute testament to her grief and sorrow.
See the reader whine now.
Lesson 4: The Hound
See Spot.
See Spot run.
Run, Spot, run!
See Spot run down innocent civilians.
Good boy, Spot!
Lesson 5: Arya
See Arya.
See Arya kick ass.
Kick, Arya, kick!
See Arya whoop Joffrey.
Whoop, Arya, whoop!
See Arya murder people at Harrenhal.
Kill, Arya, kill!
See Arya get hit in the back of the head with an axe.
No!
Not Arya!
See the reader forsake the entire series.
See him lock the books away in a trunk.
See him lock the trunk away in an attic.
See him lock the attic away in the house.
See him burn the house down.
See him read Terry Goodkind instead.
Oh, no!
The reader is sad.
Poor reader!
Poor Arya!
See him find "A Storm of Swords" in the library again
after decades.
See him read ahead by accident.
Oh!
Arya isn't dead after all!
'We love you, George!' says the reader.
That's all I could think of for now. Maybe I'll do a followup sometime later, if you like this.