"Engorgio!" bellowed Draco. Fortunately, Hermione managed to dodge the spell that was aimed at her. Unfortunately, the spell that was meant to hit her ended up hitting Harry, who had ended up accidentally becoming the target when he walked around the corner.
Draco's mouth fell open in shock as he realised that he'd hit Harry. Harry froze. Suddenly, his trousers became very tight. He looked down in horror as a great big bulge appeared in his trousers. The bulge kept on growing.
Harry looked up at Draco in horror.
"What the hell have you done?" he yelled.
"I didn't mean to! It was meant for that little mudshit," said Draco.
"Oh Harry!" wailed Hermione. "We have to get you to Madame Pomfrey!"
Suddenly Hermione let out a scream as Draco lunged towards her.
"I'm not finished with you yet, Granger! I'll make you pay for what you did to me!"
Hermione continued to squeal as Draco came towards her, brandishing his wand. Hermione, in a state of panic, grabbed Draco to stop him from attacking her. As Hermione grabbed him, he lost his balance and the two of them toppled over, with Draco positioned on top of Hermione.
Hermione's squeals had been heard by everyone in the Great Hall, and students piled out. There were gasps as the students caught sight of Draco and Hermione on the floor. Draco's eyes widened in horror, suddenly becoming aware of how close he was to Hermione.
"That's disgusting!" wailed Pansy. "First he kisses the filthy mudshit at the ball and now he's trying to shag her right here in front of the Great Hall!"
"I-It's not what it looks like!" stammered Draco, quickly pushing himself off Hermione. "I didn't even want to touch the filthy little – " SMACK!
Hermione had slapped Draco as hard as she could.
"You filthy ferret! How dare you try to sexually assault me!"
Draco's eyes widened in horror.
"What?! That's bullshit Granger! I was trying to hex you, not assault you! Take that back you filthy piece of mudcrap! You've already humiliated me once!"
"Yes you did! Professor Dumbledore, Malfoy tried to take my clothes off," said Hermione, addressing the still naked headmaster.
"Mr. Malfoy," said Dumbledore, stroking his beard. "If this is true, then – "
"NO!" shouted a voice. Everyone looked up as Harry struggled around the corner, the bulge in his trousers now dragging on the floor.
"Oh my god!" shouted Ron. "Harry, what the hell happened to your balls? They're bigger than Hagrid's!"
A large amount of sniggering broke out.
"And probably Hermione's too!" Ron added.
"Shut up!" snapped Hermione.
"Professor Dumbledore, Malfoy was trying to hex Hermione and she tried to defend herself and he fell on top of her," said Harry.
"Is this true, Mr. Malfoy?" asked Dumbledore.
"Yes Sir, but – "
"Please don't use spells in corridors again. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to attend to my hangover. I had rather too much to drink last night and I have a pair of underpants that I need to retrieve from Professor MaGonnagol."
Dumbledore turned around and walked away, one hand on his head and the other continuing to stroke his beard.
"You little piece of crap," spat Draco. "What the hell did you think you were doing, telling everyone that I tried to sexually assault you?"
"What did you think I was doing?" asked Hermione, her hands on her hips. "I was trying to humiliate you even more than I did at the ball."
"Eww Draco, I still can't believe you tried to touch a mudblood!" said Pansy.
"Shut up," snapped Draco. "Haven't you all seen enough? Get the hell out of here!"
Still sniggering, the crowd began to move back into the Great Hall.
"But what about Harry's gigantic balls?" said Ron, who was still standing there.
"It's his fault!" said Hermione, pointing at Draco. "He tried to hex me and Harry got in the way!"
"No, it's your fault, Hermione," said Harry, now kneeling on the floor to support his large testicles. "If you hadn't humiliated Malfoy at the ball then none of this would have happened!"
"Don't you dare take that filthy ferret's side!" said Ron. "We know you have a thing for him but that doesn't mean you should side with him over Hermione. Besides, he's done nothing but be a complete arse to us all throughout school!"
"Oh shut up, Weasley," snarled Draco. "You – "
"Alrigh' you lot!" boomed a voice. Hagrid had just burst into the entrance hall. "What's goin' – blimey 'Arry, what happened to yer balls? They're bigger than Grawp's! What's yer secret 'Arry? How'd yer get 'em so big?"
"Nevermind that. Hagrid, could you take me to the hospital wing?"
Hagrid nodded, and attempted to lift Harry. Even for Hagrid, it seemed like a difficult job trying to get Harry's testicles off the floor. Draco sniggered, and Harry shot him dirty look.
After Hagrid and Harry had gone, Draco rounded on Hermione.
"Watch your back," he snarled. "I'll get you for this. No one embarrasses me like that."
"Get lost, Malfoy," snarled Ron. Draco shot him a venomous look and set off towards the dungeons.
…
"WORMDICK!" yelled a very frustrated Moleymort.
"Y-yes, my lord?"
"Where are my cwisps?"
"Here they are," said Wormdick, handing Moley a packet of cheese and onion crisps.
"What the hell is this?" shouted Moley. "Cheese and onion? I don't even like cheese and onion. Take these away and get me some pwawn cocktail cwisps. Now!"
"Yes, my lord," sighed Wormdick. He disappeared and returned a few minutes later with the crisps.
Moley and his mole eaters were positioned around a campfire. Lucius was in the process of checking his roots, despite the fact that he'd only bleached his hair a day ago. McNair was polishing his axe. Bellatrix was painting her nails black and Wormdick was red in the face from blowing up his inflatable elf. The rest of the mole eaters sat there, looking less than pleased at having to spend another night in their tiny tents.
"Now," said Moley, his mouth full of crisps. "We need to discuss this plan of mine about luring Potter here. Lucius, have you spoken to Dwaco yet? We need to think of how we're going to get Potter to fall in love with him."
Lucius opened his mouth to protest but shut it again when he saw Moley reach for the bottle of bleach.
"Anything you'd like to say, Lucius?" asked Moley.
"I'll speak to Dwaco – I mean Draco immediately, my lord."
"You'd better do," said Moley. "Or else the bleach gets it. Wormdick, fetch me my Elvis CD. I think we all need to listen to "Love Me Tender" to get us all in the mood for my plan."
Everyone groaned.
…
"I can't believe you!" said Harry that evening in the common room. "Why did you do that? You could've got Malfoy into serious trouble."
"And your point is?"
"I can't believe you, Hermione. I would've thought that someone like you would have had more sense than to go around accusing someone of sexually assaulting you!"
"Yeah well he deserved it," piped up Ron. "He's a nasty ferret. I don't know why you're defending him when he gave you massive balls."
"He gave them me by accident. You – "
Suddenly a noise came from the fireplace.
"What's this about balls?"
Harry sighed.
"Go away, Sirius. I'm not in the mood to deal with you and your private parts tonight. And before you ask, no, I don't want a testicle piercing thanks very much."
"But testicle piercings are so in at the moment!" said Sirius, flashing his testicles, which now both had rings attached to them.
Harry covered his eyes.
"I'm thinking of getting a tattoo next," said Sirius happily. "I was going to get one that said "Azkaban sucks" on my right buttock. I know just the person to do it. I could ask him if he'd give you lot a tattoo if you like. What would you have?"
"I'd probably get one of a gingerbread man if it was me," said Ron. "Definitely on my right buttock. It doesn't have as many freckles as the left one so I reckon a tattoo would look better one that side."
"Excellent!" said Sirius.
"Sirius, who is it that is offering these tattoos?" asked Hermione.
"Arthur of course! He's experimenting with muggle tattoo equipment and said he'd give us all a tattoo for free!"
"I've changed my mind," said Ron. "I don't want one."
"So don't you think you should apologise to Malfoy, Hermione?" said Harry impatiently.
"No," said Hermione. "He deserved it."
"Yeah, he's a filthy ferret," snarled Ron.
"Fine," snapped Harry. He pushed himself off the chair and stormed up to the boys' dormitory, slamming the door behind him.
"Right, so shall I book Harry in for a tattoo of a snitch on his testicles? What do you think?" asked Sirius happily.
Hermione and Ron remained silent, both with stony looks on their faces.
…
"LUCIUS!" bellowed Moleymort. "Have you written that letter to Dwaco yet? I want to put my plan into action!"
"I'm just finishing it my lord!"
"Well hurry up! It's nearly time for my foot massage!"
Lucius groaned.
"WORMDICK!" bellowed Moley.
Wormdick burst into the tent, looking rather flushed.
"What the hell have you been doing?" questioned Moley, alarmed at the sight of Wormdick's pink face.
"Er, cleaning my tent, lord," stammered Wormdick.
"Go and get me six packets of cwisps, my Take That CD, my inflatable mole, some insect repellent and something to shine my magnificent bald head with."
"Yes, my lord," squeaked Wormdick, and ran out of the tent.
Lucius strolled in.
"It's ready to send, my lord."
"Good," said Moley, clapping his hands together. "Now we can –"
Moley stopped mid-sentence and sniffed.
"What the hell is that smell?"
Lucius sniffed.
"Oh, that's my special hair conditioner," said Lucius, running his hand through his hair. "It keeps my hair shiny and soft and – "
"It smells like lavatory disinfectant," snapped Moley. Suddenly his face lit up. "I've just thought of a brilliant new image for my mole eaters. MOLE EATERS! GET IN HERE!"
Seconds later, Moley's tent was packed with a group of miserable looking Mole Eaters.
"These disgusting smelling products that Lucius keeps on using for his hair have given me an idea. You, as my mole eaters, will now have a new image – you shall shave your heads and be bald like me."
There was a gasp. Lucius fainted.
"McNair!" said Moley, whilst glancing down at Lucius in disgust. "Get an owl to deliver this letter that Lucius has written to Dwaco and take Lucius out of here and shave his head."
Macnair nodded and with the letter clutched in his hand, he grabbed Lucius by the legs and dragged him out the tent.
Moley sat back and relaxed, opening a packet of lollipops and smiling at the thought of his soon-to-be bald Mole Eaters.
…
Lunchtime was gloomy at Hogwarts. Dumbledore, who had failed to retrieve his underpants from McGonnagal (she was wearing them as a hat), was now using a pile of leaves to conceal his private parts. Snape, was sitting looking miserable and still hungover, Filch was looking lovingly at Mrs Norris and throwing Snape dirty looks every so often and Trelawney was batting her eyelashes at Ron madly, hoping that he'd notice her and remember their night of drunken passion.
Harry ate his dinner in silence. Ron and Hermione weren't speaking to him. He glanced across at Draco, who was throwing death glares at Hermione. Suddenly, an owl swooped in and dropped a letter into Draco's lap. Draco, who was too busy glaring at Hermione, picked the letter up and stuffed it into his robes. Suddenly he got and left the table.
Without thinking, Harry got up to follow him.
"Surely you're not going after him are you?" called Ron.
Harry ignored him and followed Draco out of the Great Hall. He was just about to shout him when he noticed the letter fall from Draco's robes. Draco, who hadn't noticed, continued to the dungeons.
Harry ran over and picked the letter up. He thought about returning it, but then a bolt of jealousy ran through him when he thought of the possibility of Draco getting a letter from an admirer.
He ripped the letter open and began to read.
Dear Dwa – I mean Draco,
The Dark Lord has come up with a new plan. He wants you to get Potter to fall in love with you so that you can lure Potter to him. Now before you pull a face, which I'm sure you will be doing at the thought of Potter falling in love with you, this wasn't my idea. I went through with this under threat.
It was either force you into doing this or give up my bleach, and you know how much my bleach means to me. Without it I'm nothing. Bleaching is what makes us Malfoys who we are. So you'd better think of a way to get Potter to fall in love with you or else my bleach will go down the drain. Literally. So get your ass moving boy!
Hope to see you soon
Love Daddy
P.S. I'll try and get you a cuddly toy ferret if I get the time.
Harry clutched the letter, his head spinning. He turned and decided to head to the common room, trying to reassure himself that the tingling in his testicles was a result of Madame Pomfrey's shrinking potion that he had taken earlier and not as a result of the letter he had just read…
…
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