Title: "The Phantom of Ohtori"
By: Father Maxwell (ooh, betcha think I'm a boy now)
Rating: R, for numerous sexual situations, mention of alcohol, language, and multiple instances of indecent eggbeater usage. Please, young children (I mean under the age of 15) stop reading now, and those who have a problem with homosexual situations, I want to know why you're even here. Have you SEEN Utena?
Now, onto the fic!
"The Phantom of Ohtori"
It was a beautiful day at Ohtori Academy, as usual. Professor Nemuro and his young sex-monkey…er….protégé, Mamiya, were staring out the window of Nemuro's bedroom. Nemuro had a look of intense worry on his face.
"It's happened again, Mamiya-kun."
"What happened? Did they take off All My Children to show a basketball game again?"
Nemuro sweatdropped. "No, not this time. I meant another member of the fencing club has seen HIM!"
Mamiya gasped. "You don't mean…."
"I do." Nemuro nodded. "He's back, and for good this time. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I think so, Nemuro-san…..but, would Miki really look good in a purple dress? Pink is so much more his color."
Nemuro sweatdropped yet again, but gave Mamiya a gentle smile and pulled him into an embrace. "No, silly, the purple dresses are all for you. I mean we need to blow this popsicle…..stand, and pass the school off to some airheaded, sex-crazed playboy who won't even know what hit him!"
In his room halfway across the campus, Kiryuu Touga sighed wistfully and gazed at himself in the mirror. "Man, I'm pretty."
Mamiya narrowed his eyes in a look of concentration. "However, the managing of the school might prove too much for one simple airhead. Why don't we enlist the help of not one, but two playboys, one, a mere airhead, to relate directly to the students, the other, the most manipulative, sick bastard we can find."
Ohtori Akio zoomed down the highway in his flashy red sports car, toward the school with all the phallic-shaped buildings his sister was currently attending, humming softly to himself. He paused his melody to sneeze.
"I like the way you think Mamiya-kun. Once these two can be convinced to take over the management of the school, we can be free to go wherever, do whatever we please!" He cupped Mamiya's chin in his hand and pulled him into a deep kiss. The rest of this scene has been censored for the children.
Three weeks later, Professor Nemuro and Mamiya had packed their bags and moved out of the academy. Strangely enough, the building where they had resided ceased to be nothing more than a burnt-down ruin and none of the students could remember that their school has ever been run by these two. The new Chairman, Ohtori Akio, the fiancee of the daughter of the dean of the academy, and his partner, Kiryuu Touga, the president of the student council, soon took their places as the heads of the academy.
Someone at the academy was none too pleased upon learning this fact.
"Damn him! You seriously mean the President has been promoted to assistant Dean of the academy?!"
"I'm afraid so, Juri-san. From now on, not only will he be controlling the Student Council, but will also have an even greater hand in the running of the administration." Kaoru Miki clicked his stopwatch. 4.2 seconds.
"Miki! Don't you understand what this mean? No female student is safe! Even less so than before! With Touga in a higher position of power, this means he is free to do ANYTHING he wants! Do you have any idea how much we're going to have to spend in safe sex education? Hell, soon we'll be opening an abortion clinic on campus!"
"I fear this situation will get out of hand, and very quickly. However," Miki sighed and stood up from his seat. "However," he continued, "there is nothing we can do about it now. Don't you have a fencing club meeting to get to?"
Juri signed as well. "I suppose I do. If only there were something we could do to fix this…do you know how hard it is for me to find decent lesbians on campus? With prettyboy Touga in his present position, EVERY female will be flocking to him!"
Miki placed a reassuring hand on Juri's shoulder. "I know this. But for now, there's nothing we can do. Let's go." The two council members exited the phallic-shaped building, though through what means, we never see. Perched high atop the head of the building, a lone figure in a black cloak silently watched their departure. Nothing they could do about it, really? Perhaps he could be of some assistance…he always did have a soft spot for Juri.
Juri was certainly not in the fencing zone today. Her mind was tortured with images of countless girls in Ohtori uniforms lined up for free birth control, overflowing sex ed classrooms, and Touga, having girls take a number for admittance into his boudoir. "Why did I just think that?" Juri narrowly missed a lunge from her opponent. "Boudoir? On top of everything else, I'm thinking in French? I'm not French, I'm Japanese! What in the name of nothingness is the matter with me?" She stepped back from her opponent and removed her helmet.
"Arisugawa-sempai, is something the matter?" Her opponent's eyes were glazed over with concern. "Forgive me if I'm being rude, but frankly, you suck today."
Juri was too distraught to be discouraged by this disparaging declaration. She raised her voice to address the members of the club: "Today's meeting is officially canceled!
I'll let you all know when another is scheduled!" The members, muttering amongst themselves, shuffled out of the building. One lone boy, tall, with a mutant forelock, remained, the corner where he had hidden himself now revealed. "Ruka…"
Ruka stepped forward. "Is it because you can't think about anything else but me? Am I so much present in your thoughts that you can't even focus on your one passion? Well, besides me of course." He tossed his head back, smoothing out his freakish growth of hair. "I must apologize for being so damned charming and handsome as to completely take over your thoughts at all hours of the day."
Juri sweatdropped. "Um….that's not quite it. See, I hate you."
Ruka looked taken aback. "Oh." He paused, unfazed. "Well then, at least you feel some sort of passion for me! That's enough! Hatred can turn to love, you'll see! I will win you over and we shall obtain the power of miracles! But now, I must be off to order my fine white horses to whisk us off to eternity!" With a crazed look in his eyes, he ran out of the building.
Juri let out a long sigh and slumped against the wall. She couldn't let her fencing suffer because of Touga. This loon with the wannabe-Nightcrawler hair wasn't helping matters at all either. "Order your white horses, be with them at the door." She rolled her eyes. Standing again and composing herself, she brandished her sword to practice some moves. Touga's recent ascension weighed too heavily on her mind, however, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get it right.
"Why do you suffer so, beautiful one?" a voice from the shadows echoed.
"What? Who's there?" Juri raised her sword in a defensive position. "Ruka, you psycho, I swear I'll slice your nuts off and eat them in front of you if you're trying to scare me!"
"Fear not." The voice was gentle and seductive. Juri couldn't match it with any she knew from the academy. "I see your thoughts are troubled; that is what is affecting your performance."
"No shit, Sherlock," Juri muttered. "Who are you, and what do you want with me?"
"I only wish to help you. I have watched you from afar for quite some time now. You are the best fencer the academy has, and I do not like to see your performance affected in such a way. Please, let me help you, and together, we will achieve the power of miracles!"
Juri gasped. "How did you know that?"
The voice let out a long, suffering sigh. "I've seen the series. What kind of dumbass do you think I am? I did my homework."
"I guess that makes sense." Juri frowned. "But why me? Wouldn't you rather help another to find eternity, or their shining thing?"
A voice shouted from a distance: "MY SHINING THING? WHERE?!?!?!"
A sweatdrop appeared in the shadows. "Someone has good hearing."
Juri, still wary of the voice, moved closer to the shadows of its origin.
"No, don't come any closer! I will reveal myself to you, but in time. For now, one approaches seeking you, and I must go."
"Wait! Will you at least tell me your name?"
"That also will be revealed in time….but for now, you can call me your Angel of Revolution."
"Oh, please. That is so cliché."
A sigh. "Fine, then, Bob will do."
"Where the hell did you come up with that one?"
"All will be revealed in time….for now, fare thee well, my lesbian seagull." The voice faded.
Juri stared into the shadows, a look of utter confusion clouding her face. "Ruka, I must say I'm impressed," she whispered to herself.
"Juri-san!" A goat-like, purple-coifed female appeared in the doorway of the fencing club building. "Oh good, you're alone! All the better for me to taunt you with the fact you can't have me!"
Juri groaned. "Why me? Author!"
"Yes?" replied a voice from the heavens.
"I thought you loved me and wanted to doink me behind a random table. Why are you torturing me like this?"
"Quiet, oh awesome-haired one," the voice replied. "You have not yet seen what happens next."
At that moment, a hoard of surfboarding elephants appeared out of nowhere, crushing Shiori. Juri raised her head and saluted to the sky.
"Hide me! You've gotta hide me!" A blonde-haired female, wearing an outfit fashioned from black and yellow spandex, ran through another door and hid herself behind Juri. The elephants, which she was hiding from, appeared not to see her, and disappeared as mysteriously as they came.
"What was that all about?" Juri asked Nanami, pausing a moment to savor the warmth of the other girl against her back. Oh, admit it, you know Juri and Nanami would make a cute couple.
Nanami immediately assumed her usual self. "Never you mind that! I came here to tell you I will beat Tenjou Utena in a duel before you! I, Kiryuu Nanami, the queen of fencing at Ohtori Academy, will ascend to glory and win the love of my brother! OH-HO HO HO HO HO!" With that, she ran out of the building.
"Fear not, Juri, for I am with you…." Juri listened to the elusive voice echo in the shadows, and quickly exited the building before anything else strange could happen to her.
Lounging on his four-poster, satin-draped bed, Kiryuu Touga sighed contentedly. His entire bedroom was filled with nubile young female Ohtori students; that was his favorite part of the décor since ascending to his new position in the academy. He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he was shocked to see that all of the girls were gone! All that remained was a post-it note on his dresser. He got off the bed, not even bothering to cover his manly parts, and walked over to read the note. It read, "Bwa ha ha."
"What the hell…"
Across campus in his phallic planetarium, Ohtori Akio enjoyed a random iced drink. Hearing a knock at the door, he set his glass down on the table and went to see who it was. However, no one was at the door. Slightly confused, he returned to his couch, only to discover his drink was gone! In its place was a post-it note that declared, "Thanks. I was parched."
Akio's eyes widened with horror. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His voice echoed all over the campus.
The doorbell rang again.
"Damn you!" he yelled. "I don't know who you are, but I want my drink back, and I want it back NOW!" He ran to the door and flung it open. This time, a very-naked Touga stood in his doorway, shaking with anger. "Damn it, man, you couldn't even bother to cover yourself?" Akio was still angry, but licked his lips, which formed a seductive smile.
"No time for that! I just finished the best orgy of my LIFE, when all of a sudden, all the girls disappeared! All that was left was this!" He thrust the post-it into Akio's face. Akio's face clouded over with shock. He ran to the table and retrieved his respective post-it.
"My random iced drink just disappeared, and this was all that was left!"
"Who cares about your drink! Where are my girls?" Touga whined. "How can I be expected to keep up my role as campus manwhore if every time I have an orgy, the girls disappear right after! I'll be ruined!"
Juri shouted from a distance. "But at least we won't have to waste all that money on safe sex programs!"
Akio glanced around him. "Who said that?"
"Don't mind that. Everybody on the student council has exceptionally good hearing and voice projection. It's in the job description."
"Aah, I see."
"Anyway, what are we going to do?!"
Akio sighed, and gazed out the window. "I was afraid this would happen…"
"You were WHAT?!"
"The former dean warned me of this. As he ran out the door with his little purple-haired boy, giving the school the finger, he shouted back to me to 'beware the Phantom.'"
"Hm, I wonder what he was in such a hurry for…"
At a Motel 6 several hundred miles from Ohtori, Nemuro and Mamiya settled in for the night. They were watching some TV before beginning the night's activities. Unfortunately for them, the only thing on at that hour was "Cooking With Saionji," featuring recent Ohtori drop-out Saionji wearing a frilly pink apron that read, "Give da chef some lovin'!" "Ok, today I'm going to show you how to make a fried egg!"
The wailing of Nanami could be heard in the distance.
"First, you crack the egg into the pan, and then – OH MY FUCKING DIOS, IT'S ON FIRE! AAAH MY HAIR, MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL--" Nemuro switched off the TV. All that talk about eggs was giving him an idea. He reached into his suitcase and pulled out – an eggbeater? This was going to prove to be a very interesting night indeed….
Back in Ohtori, Touga sweatdropped. "On second thought, maybe I don't want to know why they were in such a hurry."
Akio reached into nothingness and in his hand an eggbeater suddenly appeared. "You never know, you just might enjoy it." He moved closer to Touga, positioning himself at his back.
"I'd say this is a rather indecent proposal, Mr. Chairman…" Touga closed his eyes and arched his back. "Oh, yes…baby….you've lit my fire."
An indistinct "whirrrrr" noise was heard by the students of Ohtori for some time that night. However, they were quite used to strange sounds at all hours, so paid it no mind, and most continued to watch their former classmate lit on fire.
In the darkness, Juri stepped out of her room, wearing a white frilly nightgown. She looked up to address the sky: "Could we get on with the plot, please?"
The author coughed slightly. "You know how essential the random sex scenes are to any good Utena fanfic. You wait your turn."
Juri sighed and crossed her arms. "Fine. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to the fencing club building for some unknown purpose." And so she did.
A figure was lurking in the shadows, waiting for Juri as she approached. As she neared, he jumped out of the bushes.
"Ruka! You bastard, you nearly gave me a heart attack!"
"Juri, Juri my love! I have ordered my white horses; they're waiting at the door! Please let me stay beside you, to guard you and to guide you!"
Juri again rolled her eyes. If she wasn't careful, they might get stuck that way. "Look, Ruka….I don't want you there beside me. I don't want you anywhere near me! Ruka, can't you understand that I HATE YOU?!" Juri shook with anger.
Ruka's eyes welled up in tears. "Juri….you can't possibly mean that. You can't….you just can't…."
Juri narrowed her eyes. "I do."
"Juri, noooooo! Everything I do, I do it for you! Can't you see?"
"I'm sorry, Ruka, but that's just the way it is. And if you quote one more song lyrics, I'll do what I threatened about slicing your balls off! " Calmly, Juri continued on her walk, leaving Ruka sobbing on the pavement.
"I can't believe it…Juri, my love…"
"Chu?"
A small purple monkey-mouse wearing a tie crept up beside Ruka.
"Chu chu?"
Ruka looked up and wiped his eyes. "Oh, hey there little guy…no, I'll be alright."
"Chu?"
"No, it's just that I've just had my heart broken by the only girl I ever loved…sometimes, I think she might be gay. I mean, look at me!" He jumped to his feet. "I'm gorgeous! I'm tall, I'm muscular, I have hair that's to die for…who wouldn't want me?"
"Chu," ChuChu nodded.
"I think I like you, little man. What's your name?"
"Chu." He paused. "Chu chu chu?"
"Oh, I like the sound of that. My place or yours?"
"Chu."
"Alright then, my place it is!" Ruka picked ChuChu up and perched him on his shoulder, and pranced off happily to his room.
Isn't new love a beautiful thing, boys and girls?
Juri stepped inside the fencing hall. The only light shone through the glass ceiling from the moon and the stars. "I'm here," she whispered to the night.
"I knew you would come," resonated a voice from the shadows. "I've been waiting for you. I have something to show you."
"I know if anyone can make me feel better, it's you…Bob." She grimaced at the name. "I've been so troubled since the new appointment of the deans. I can't concentrate on anything except it! I fear for the reproductive health of every female Ohtori student."
"They will be taken care of…in time. For now, follow me."
"But I don't know where you are!"
"Follow my voice…" Indeed, the voice seemed to linger somewhere near the far right corner of the room. Juri followed it, and immediately gasped as an icy hand sprang out of the darkness to take her arm. "Do not fear me. Only follow." The hand seemed to lead Juri straight into the wall of the building, only instead of hitting the wall, she was going down, down a ramp, down forever it seemed.
"Where are we?" she breathed.
"Deep in the catacombs of Ohtori," the voice answered. "This is where I have made my lair." He gently tugged on Juri's arm, urging her to continue following. He led her into a small boat; they passed soundlessly over a dark lake.
Juri sniffed the air. "It smells like….fire and brimstone down here. You're not Akio, are you?"
"I have told you, I will reveal myself to you in time. As for the smell, forgive me, I was trying out a recipe for a fried egg from a late-night cooking show. I'm afraid I'm not a very good cook."
Juri sweatdropped. "That's OK…I think."
Finally, the hand helped Juri gently out of the boat and through a doorway. Juri gasped once she was through the door. She was inside the largest, most grand fencing arena she had ever seen. "Dios…" she whispered. She turned to look at the voice, a figure illuminated for the first time. He was tall and lean, clothed in a long black robe and black mask that completely concealed his face. "Can't I see your face?" She asked him.
He chose to ignore the question. "You must know why I've brought you down here. Juri, you are the best fencer Ohtori Academy has ever seen! I want you to fence for me."
Juri blinked. "You want me to….what?"
"I've spent my life creating a new series of fencing moves. Only you can make my moves take flight!" He pulled an exquisite rapier off the wall and handed it to her. "Just do as I say."
Juri knew mindlessly agreeing to this was horribly out of character for her, but for the sake of the plot, she continued to do as the Phantom asked of her. Oh, would the author owe her later.
"Position yourself…that's it. Now, thrust! Thrust! Thrust!"
Juri stopped. "You're one kinky bastard, you know that?"
The Phantom sighed. "I thought you would appreciate my technique."
Juri arched an eyebrow. "Oh, no, sure I appreciate your technique."
"Now, let's try this again."
And so they continued, on into the night and well into the morning, long past even when Kozue returned from her multiple drunken orgies. Finally, Juri, exhausted, collapsed to the floor in a heap. The Phantom took pity on her, and carried her to his bed, a coffin filled with rose petals. "Sleep well, my lesbian seagull…"
A shadowy spaceship crashed into a shadow of the phallic Student Council building. The shadow of the Author of the fic appeared, with a shadow dressed in the Rose Bride gown. On the other side of the sunset background, Shadow Players A-Ko and B-Ko appeared, B-Ko dressed in the Rose Bridge gown, A-Ko brandishing a sword. "I wonder, I wonder, do you wonder what I wonder?" the author asked.
"Hey, that's our line!" A-Ko was furious. "I challenge you to a duel!"
"Fine," said the Author, unruffled. "But my Shining Thing and I will defeat you and win the power to pants the world!" She draped the other girl backwards over her arm, and removed a sword that sprang from her chest. The Shadow Players did the same.
"Wait!" A-ko dropped her sword. "Why are we fighting? B-ko, why don't we just let the Author use our line this one time? We get to say it in every other episode, after all."
B-Ko sighed. "I suppose you're right. Hey, Author and Shining Thing, do you wanna go get a pizza?"
"Sure!" the other girl enthusiastically agreed. The four of them walked away from the scene.
"MY SHINING THING!" Miki cried out from afar, and barreled into the scene, only to hit his head against the wall and pass out on the ground.
A number of days later, Miki, with a very cartoonish bump on his head, was shocked to discover the only member present at the Student Council meeting was himself. He knew Saionji had quit school for Food Network fame, and Touga's time was occupied with sex, sex, menial management duties, and more sex, but where was Juri? He frowned. Missing a meeting wasn't like her at all. Sure, she was noticeably distraught after hearing of Touga's new position, however, he had never known her to be quite that concerned about reproductive health before. Certainly not enough to be abandoning her duties to the Student Council. Miki clicked his stopwatch. Then again, Juri had participated in that rally for the rights of gay animals last year, so maybe this was just a period of heightened activism for her. Sighing, he stood up and made his way back into the elevator to leave the building. He stopped suddenly, and looked up. Somewhere above him in the building he could see….was that ChuChu's tail? Suspicious, he climbed up past the elevator into the loft of the building, which was previously unknown to him.
What he saw at the top of that ladder would shock, stun, horrify, and traumatize him for years to come. It's almost too awful to say….oh, but I think I will anyway.
Lying fully naked on his back, body positively dripping with sweat, Tsuchiya Ruka heaved and gasped. Sitting next to him was an eggbeater covered with some substance that vaguely resembled egg whites, however, Miki had a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach it wasn't. Perched on top of Ruka's chest, ChuChu snoozed peacefully. Both had dark circles under their eyes as if they hadn't slept in days.
"Di…o…s…." Miki's face went through a veritable whirlwind of expressions, which culminated in him passing out and waking up several days later on the floor of the elevator, surrounded by vomit, being poked by a random janitor.
It was around this time Juri reappeared on campus. To all who beheld her, she was vibrant, focused, and at the top of her game, fencing-wise. She was an excellent fencer to begin with, but she seemed to radiate a heightened confidence, and kicked the asses of all foolish enough to challenge her.
At the next Council meeting, Miki, who had taken to wearing a bandanna tied over his eyes ("I don't want to see anything ever again," he was reported to have said), seized the opportunity to ask Juri of her recent experiences.
"I'm sorry, Miki, but I just can't tell you that. I'll simply say I've had assistance from an angel."
"But Juri, you don't believe in angels."
Juri sweatdropped. "Well, what else am supposed I to call him?
"I don't know…a phantom, a ghost, an apparition, an otherworldly aid, a mysterious helper who lurks in the shadows….Ruka?"
"What are you, a fucking thesaurus?" Juri growled lowly. "And what makes you think it was Ruka?"
"No, I mean Ruka is standing right over there." Miki said weekly, and again passed out, slumped low in his chair.
"How on earth did you know that?" Juri wondered allowed, staring at Miki's bandanna.
"Never you mind that, Juri!" Sure enough, Ruka was leaning against the doorway, smoking a cigarette, his jacket unbuttoned, wearing a pair of dark glasses. "I've merely come to tell you I'm completely over any feelings I had for you. I've found a new love."
"That's very nice for you," Juri replied, sincerely not wanting to know who Ruka picked up that quickly. "But what do you want?"
"Simply to inform you." With that, Ruka tossed his cigarette casually to the ground, snuffed it out with his foot, and exited.
Juri bent over the table, her head supported by her hands. "How many little kids did I molest in a past life to deserve being surrounded by all these psychos?"
"Big brother! Big brother! Oh…." Nanami burst through the door, and paused, seeing only a distraught Juri and blacked out Miki. "My big brother hasn't been here, has he?"
Juri raised her head. "No, Nanami, I haven't seen your brother ever since he became the assistant dean. He's spent all his time in his new room having orgies."
"Juri-sempai, why would you say such a thing?" Nanami's eyes welled up with tears. "He wouldn't let those other girls have him! I know he wouldn't!"
Juri arched an eyebrow, wondering which rock Nanami had been living under this week.
"Anyway…I just wanted to let him know that I miss him. I'm so lost living in the house all by myself without him!" Nanami buried her face in her hands and sobbed.
Juri let out a long sigh and stood up. "Do you need a hug?" she asked, somewhat sarcastically. Nanami flung herself into Juri's arms, sobbing into her chest. Juri looked down at the vulnerable girl, then up to the sky, and gave a thumbs up.
I'm sure Miki, traumatized as he was, would have been very glad he was passed out and blindfolded as these events unfolded.
"You know, Juri-sempai….I've always really liked you. You're the only person I feel really understands me."
Juri smiled to herself. This was getting better and better.
"And well…oh, this is so hard for me to say." Nanami blushed a shade of light pink.
"You don't need to say anything," Juri softly held a finger to Nanami's lips.
"Sempai…." Nanami looked into Juri's eyes, and was suddenly pulled into a passionate kiss. After what seemed a long while, the two pulled back, breasts heaving like a puppy's.
"Say, do you wanna get out of here?" Juri asked.
"I thought you'd never ask!" Juri laced her arm around Nanami's waist, and the two exited, leaving a very much unconscious Miki still slumped over in his seat.
A lone figure watched the two exit from his perch on the top of the building. "I taught you my moves," he lamented to himself. "And now, you've denied me and betrayed me. You will curse this day!" He swung his cape around him, however, instead of disappearing into thin air, as was his goal, he still stood on top of the building. "Damn it, not again," he muttered. Still grumbling to himself, he turned around. He would have to use the stairs again. Muttering to himself all the way, he made his way down the hidden staircase along the back of the building, through the Ohtori campus, and past many startled students, who couldn't believe it was Halloween already. "I've really got to get a network of secret passages," he thought.
Two of the students to see him, Shinohara Wakaba and Kaoru Kozue, paused to look at each other. "Who was that?" the latter girl asked.
"I have no idea…" Wakaba was wide-eyed, staring after the figure.
"Say, there's a drunken orgy going on about two blocks from here. I don't have a date, so, would you like to go?"
Wakaba looked at Kozue in disbelief. "I've never been to a drunken orgy before. I didn't know we had any on campus."
Kozue let out a giggle. "Where have you been? There's at least one every hour! Come on, you'll love it."
"Well…okay!" Wakaba grinned and jumped onto Kozue's back. The lithe girl had a little trouble supporting Wakaba, but they soon made it to the orgy, which was being held at Touga's new residence. It was in full swing already. Hoards of girls were draped over the furniture, the ceiling fan, lounging on the floor, the stairs, you name it, girls were there. At the center of it all was Touga, standing on the coffee table doing a rather enthusiastic rendition of The Chicken Dance, to the delight of the girls. Ignoring him, Kozue snatched a bottle of tequila from the drinks table. Wakaba, however, stared wide-eyed at the scenario. Kozue tugged at her arm. "Come on, all the real fun goes on upstairs." She opened the bottle and passed it Wakaba, who took an eager swig. Giggling, the two girls ran upstairs and into the nearest unoccupied bedroom.
Juri paused for a moment from drizzling chocolate syrup over Nanami's torso. "Is there anyone in this story NOT having sex right now?" she shouted to the sky.
The Author checked her lists. "Hm…the random janitor found Miki, Utena and Anthy aren't in it, but they're digging into Akio's porn stash, Saionji just met up with Rachel Ray…oh! There is one person…"
The Phantom sat alone in his lair, delicately fingering the exquisite sword Juri had trained with. Ever since he had met Juri, he couldn't get her out of his thoughts. He wanted her to be the best, to grant her the power of miracles, so they could share it together. He removed his mask and swept a lock of hair back from his face. "But she must never know it's me…" he thought with a sigh. Replacing the mask, his mind began to whirl in the formation of a plan.
The next afternoon, the nymphomaniac students of Ohtori had recovered from the previous day, and were going about their business as usual. Juri was just on her way to lunch when she spied a familiar figure lurking in the door of the fencing arena. Ignoring all hunger, she turned towards the building and ran.
"ChuChu…go away, for the trap is set and waits for its prey!" the Phantom sang softly. The monkey-mouse obediently ran from the room.
"Phantom," she panted as the entered. "What is it?"
The Phantom stood in the center of the room, holding two bottles of something that resembled a clear soda. He offered one to Juri.
"What is this?" she asked, reluctantly accepting the bottle.
"Just a little something I asked our resident witch, the Rose Bride, to whip up for me. I want you to sing something with me…go on, drink it. It won't hurt you, only give you a gorgeous soprano."
Juri carefully took a sip. She had always wanted to learn to sing. Immediately, she was dressed in an exquisite fencing uniform. She looked down at herself. "Hey, I like this…"
The Phantom began to sing, deeply and seductively. "You have come here in pursuit of your deepest urge-"
Juri interrupted. "I have? Wow, I didn't know you'd be teaching me how to skydive!"
The Phantom continued. " In pursuit of that wish, which till now has been silent, silent… I have brought you, that our passions may fuse and merge - in your mind you've already succumbed to me, dropped all defenses, completely succumbed to me - now you are here with me: no second thoughts, you've decided, decided…" He paused to take a deep breath.
"Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end . . . Past all thought of "if" or "when" - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend . . . What raging fire shall flood the soul? What rich desire unlocks its door? What sweet seduction lies before us . . .? Past the point of no return, the final threshold - what warm, unspoken secrets will we learn? Beyond the point of no return . . ."
Juri took a step towards the Phantom, feeling her own voice rise in her throat. "You have brought me to that moment where words run dry, to that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence…" She paused. "Hey, how do I know the words?" Closing her eyes, she continued. "I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why… In my mind, I've already imagined our bodies entwining, defenseless and silent - and now I am here with you: no second thoughts, I've decided, decided… Past the point of no return - no going back now: our passion-play has now, at last, begun … Past all thought of right or wrong - one final question: how long should we two wait, before we're one . . .? When will the blood begin to race the sleeping bud burst into bloom? When will the flames, at last, consume us . . .?" She stopped. "Wait, I don't want to have sex with you! For all I know, you could be Ruka!"
"If only you knew…" the Phantom chuckled to himself. He raised his hands to his head, pulled off his mask, and revealed…
"MITSURU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Juri's jaw dropped.
"Yes, Juri, don't you see? All this time, it is you who I've always loved" The voice modifier in his mask removed, he spoke with his usual childish goloss. "And so that you and I may live together with the power of miracles, untroubled, I have removed that which stands in your way!" He gestured to a corner of the room, where the lifeless body of Touga lied.
"Murderer!" Juri growled.
"Oh, no, I didn't murder him," Mitsuru admitted. "He merely sexed himself to death. However, I may or may not have had a hand in that." He studied his fingernails for a brief moment before turning to look at Juri. "And now that all worry has been removed from your life, you can join me in my lair in the catacombs of Ohtori, as my Rose Bride, and together, we will achieve the power of miracles!" Before Juri could make a move to stop him, he had swept her up and carried her over his shoulder, towards the wall through which he had taken her to his lair. He was much stronger than Juri had ever imagined (and also quite adept at walking on stilts, I might add), and she found herself powerless to free herself. Finally, she let herself go limp, giving up all hope of escape, at least for the moment. She was the only one who could save herself, she know. Or so she thought…"
"TSUWABUKI!!!!!" a voice squealed from the doorway. "PUT HER DOWN!"
"Nanami!" Juri gasped.
Meekly, Mitsuru obeyed her.
"What do you think you've been doing, trying to kidnap my lover? I'm telling your parents about this, Tsuwabuki!"
Mitsuru's face clouded over. "No…Nanami-san, you can't! They'll remove me from the academy, for sure!"
"You should have thought of that before you disguised yourself in order to prey upon the students. Out of my sight, now!" Mitsuru, his head hung low, scurried out of the building, discarding his mask, cloak, and stilts behind him.
Juri ran into Nanami's arms. "But how did you know?"
"He hasn't been around to receive my orders lately, so I was growing suspicious. So I followed him here one day. I knew he'd try something like this, so I had to be there to stop him. Were you surprised to see me?"
"Oh, Nanami…" Juri paused. "But, your brother?"
Nanami turned her head to look at the corpse of her brother. "Oh, let him be. He's spread enough STDs to be a murderer in his own right. Besides, you're the only one for me now, Juri!"
Juri held Nanami as tightly as possible without breaking the girl, and kissed her as if it were her last day on earth. When they finally broke away, Nanami smiled. "I've ordered my white horse – it's waiting at the door! Will you come with me, Juri?"
Juri took Nanami's outstretched hand in her own, and allowed herself to be led out the door. One exquisite white mare was waiting outside. Nanami helped Juri up first, then climbed up on the horse behind her. Every student at Ohtori paused their love-making to watch the two girls ride off into the sunset.
"Aah," Akio sighed, watching the scene from his planetarium window, random iced drink in hand. "I just love happy endings."
THE END
Disclaimer!: Unfortunately, I do not own Shoujo Kakumei Utena. That distinction belongs to Kunihiko Ikuhara, Saito Chiho, and the rest of the Be-Papas. Oh, but if I did own SKU…*maniacal laugh* Let's just say it's a good thing I don't. Also, I don't own the Food Network, but if I did, I would force Jamie Oliver to make sweet sweet love to me. So maybe it's also good that I don't own it. The Phantom of the Opera is owned by the long-deceased Gaston Leroux (the author of the original book), the musical, by Andrew Lloyd Webber and the Really Useful Group. There are many references to the extraordinary Utena spamfic, "Scenes from an Elevator," contained in this fic. That is the property of Dreiser, and I demand you all make your way over to dreiser.net and read her amazing fanfiction! The random iced drink quip is a nod to the funniest Utena site EVER, Blood Soaked and Honor Bound. Anything else you might happen to spot that you are suspicious of, I most likely don't own.
With all that said, I hope you enjoyed the fic! It's the first I've written in quite some time, so forgive me if I'm a little rusty. And please remember that all flames will be used to burn Saionji in my backyard.
By: Father Maxwell (ooh, betcha think I'm a boy now)
Rating: R, for numerous sexual situations, mention of alcohol, language, and multiple instances of indecent eggbeater usage. Please, young children (I mean under the age of 15) stop reading now, and those who have a problem with homosexual situations, I want to know why you're even here. Have you SEEN Utena?
Now, onto the fic!
"The Phantom of Ohtori"
It was a beautiful day at Ohtori Academy, as usual. Professor Nemuro and his young sex-monkey…er….protégé, Mamiya, were staring out the window of Nemuro's bedroom. Nemuro had a look of intense worry on his face.
"It's happened again, Mamiya-kun."
"What happened? Did they take off All My Children to show a basketball game again?"
Nemuro sweatdropped. "No, not this time. I meant another member of the fencing club has seen HIM!"
Mamiya gasped. "You don't mean…."
"I do." Nemuro nodded. "He's back, and for good this time. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I think so, Nemuro-san…..but, would Miki really look good in a purple dress? Pink is so much more his color."
Nemuro sweatdropped yet again, but gave Mamiya a gentle smile and pulled him into an embrace. "No, silly, the purple dresses are all for you. I mean we need to blow this popsicle…..stand, and pass the school off to some airheaded, sex-crazed playboy who won't even know what hit him!"
In his room halfway across the campus, Kiryuu Touga sighed wistfully and gazed at himself in the mirror. "Man, I'm pretty."
Mamiya narrowed his eyes in a look of concentration. "However, the managing of the school might prove too much for one simple airhead. Why don't we enlist the help of not one, but two playboys, one, a mere airhead, to relate directly to the students, the other, the most manipulative, sick bastard we can find."
Ohtori Akio zoomed down the highway in his flashy red sports car, toward the school with all the phallic-shaped buildings his sister was currently attending, humming softly to himself. He paused his melody to sneeze.
"I like the way you think Mamiya-kun. Once these two can be convinced to take over the management of the school, we can be free to go wherever, do whatever we please!" He cupped Mamiya's chin in his hand and pulled him into a deep kiss. The rest of this scene has been censored for the children.
Three weeks later, Professor Nemuro and Mamiya had packed their bags and moved out of the academy. Strangely enough, the building where they had resided ceased to be nothing more than a burnt-down ruin and none of the students could remember that their school has ever been run by these two. The new Chairman, Ohtori Akio, the fiancee of the daughter of the dean of the academy, and his partner, Kiryuu Touga, the president of the student council, soon took their places as the heads of the academy.
Someone at the academy was none too pleased upon learning this fact.
"Damn him! You seriously mean the President has been promoted to assistant Dean of the academy?!"
"I'm afraid so, Juri-san. From now on, not only will he be controlling the Student Council, but will also have an even greater hand in the running of the administration." Kaoru Miki clicked his stopwatch. 4.2 seconds.
"Miki! Don't you understand what this mean? No female student is safe! Even less so than before! With Touga in a higher position of power, this means he is free to do ANYTHING he wants! Do you have any idea how much we're going to have to spend in safe sex education? Hell, soon we'll be opening an abortion clinic on campus!"
"I fear this situation will get out of hand, and very quickly. However," Miki sighed and stood up from his seat. "However," he continued, "there is nothing we can do about it now. Don't you have a fencing club meeting to get to?"
Juri signed as well. "I suppose I do. If only there were something we could do to fix this…do you know how hard it is for me to find decent lesbians on campus? With prettyboy Touga in his present position, EVERY female will be flocking to him!"
Miki placed a reassuring hand on Juri's shoulder. "I know this. But for now, there's nothing we can do. Let's go." The two council members exited the phallic-shaped building, though through what means, we never see. Perched high atop the head of the building, a lone figure in a black cloak silently watched their departure. Nothing they could do about it, really? Perhaps he could be of some assistance…he always did have a soft spot for Juri.
Juri was certainly not in the fencing zone today. Her mind was tortured with images of countless girls in Ohtori uniforms lined up for free birth control, overflowing sex ed classrooms, and Touga, having girls take a number for admittance into his boudoir. "Why did I just think that?" Juri narrowly missed a lunge from her opponent. "Boudoir? On top of everything else, I'm thinking in French? I'm not French, I'm Japanese! What in the name of nothingness is the matter with me?" She stepped back from her opponent and removed her helmet.
"Arisugawa-sempai, is something the matter?" Her opponent's eyes were glazed over with concern. "Forgive me if I'm being rude, but frankly, you suck today."
Juri was too distraught to be discouraged by this disparaging declaration. She raised her voice to address the members of the club: "Today's meeting is officially canceled!
I'll let you all know when another is scheduled!" The members, muttering amongst themselves, shuffled out of the building. One lone boy, tall, with a mutant forelock, remained, the corner where he had hidden himself now revealed. "Ruka…"
Ruka stepped forward. "Is it because you can't think about anything else but me? Am I so much present in your thoughts that you can't even focus on your one passion? Well, besides me of course." He tossed his head back, smoothing out his freakish growth of hair. "I must apologize for being so damned charming and handsome as to completely take over your thoughts at all hours of the day."
Juri sweatdropped. "Um….that's not quite it. See, I hate you."
Ruka looked taken aback. "Oh." He paused, unfazed. "Well then, at least you feel some sort of passion for me! That's enough! Hatred can turn to love, you'll see! I will win you over and we shall obtain the power of miracles! But now, I must be off to order my fine white horses to whisk us off to eternity!" With a crazed look in his eyes, he ran out of the building.
Juri let out a long sigh and slumped against the wall. She couldn't let her fencing suffer because of Touga. This loon with the wannabe-Nightcrawler hair wasn't helping matters at all either. "Order your white horses, be with them at the door." She rolled her eyes. Standing again and composing herself, she brandished her sword to practice some moves. Touga's recent ascension weighed too heavily on her mind, however, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get it right.
"Why do you suffer so, beautiful one?" a voice from the shadows echoed.
"What? Who's there?" Juri raised her sword in a defensive position. "Ruka, you psycho, I swear I'll slice your nuts off and eat them in front of you if you're trying to scare me!"
"Fear not." The voice was gentle and seductive. Juri couldn't match it with any she knew from the academy. "I see your thoughts are troubled; that is what is affecting your performance."
"No shit, Sherlock," Juri muttered. "Who are you, and what do you want with me?"
"I only wish to help you. I have watched you from afar for quite some time now. You are the best fencer the academy has, and I do not like to see your performance affected in such a way. Please, let me help you, and together, we will achieve the power of miracles!"
Juri gasped. "How did you know that?"
The voice let out a long, suffering sigh. "I've seen the series. What kind of dumbass do you think I am? I did my homework."
"I guess that makes sense." Juri frowned. "But why me? Wouldn't you rather help another to find eternity, or their shining thing?"
A voice shouted from a distance: "MY SHINING THING? WHERE?!?!?!"
A sweatdrop appeared in the shadows. "Someone has good hearing."
Juri, still wary of the voice, moved closer to the shadows of its origin.
"No, don't come any closer! I will reveal myself to you, but in time. For now, one approaches seeking you, and I must go."
"Wait! Will you at least tell me your name?"
"That also will be revealed in time….but for now, you can call me your Angel of Revolution."
"Oh, please. That is so cliché."
A sigh. "Fine, then, Bob will do."
"Where the hell did you come up with that one?"
"All will be revealed in time….for now, fare thee well, my lesbian seagull." The voice faded.
Juri stared into the shadows, a look of utter confusion clouding her face. "Ruka, I must say I'm impressed," she whispered to herself.
"Juri-san!" A goat-like, purple-coifed female appeared in the doorway of the fencing club building. "Oh good, you're alone! All the better for me to taunt you with the fact you can't have me!"
Juri groaned. "Why me? Author!"
"Yes?" replied a voice from the heavens.
"I thought you loved me and wanted to doink me behind a random table. Why are you torturing me like this?"
"Quiet, oh awesome-haired one," the voice replied. "You have not yet seen what happens next."
At that moment, a hoard of surfboarding elephants appeared out of nowhere, crushing Shiori. Juri raised her head and saluted to the sky.
"Hide me! You've gotta hide me!" A blonde-haired female, wearing an outfit fashioned from black and yellow spandex, ran through another door and hid herself behind Juri. The elephants, which she was hiding from, appeared not to see her, and disappeared as mysteriously as they came.
"What was that all about?" Juri asked Nanami, pausing a moment to savor the warmth of the other girl against her back. Oh, admit it, you know Juri and Nanami would make a cute couple.
Nanami immediately assumed her usual self. "Never you mind that! I came here to tell you I will beat Tenjou Utena in a duel before you! I, Kiryuu Nanami, the queen of fencing at Ohtori Academy, will ascend to glory and win the love of my brother! OH-HO HO HO HO HO!" With that, she ran out of the building.
"Fear not, Juri, for I am with you…." Juri listened to the elusive voice echo in the shadows, and quickly exited the building before anything else strange could happen to her.
Lounging on his four-poster, satin-draped bed, Kiryuu Touga sighed contentedly. His entire bedroom was filled with nubile young female Ohtori students; that was his favorite part of the décor since ascending to his new position in the academy. He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he was shocked to see that all of the girls were gone! All that remained was a post-it note on his dresser. He got off the bed, not even bothering to cover his manly parts, and walked over to read the note. It read, "Bwa ha ha."
"What the hell…"
Across campus in his phallic planetarium, Ohtori Akio enjoyed a random iced drink. Hearing a knock at the door, he set his glass down on the table and went to see who it was. However, no one was at the door. Slightly confused, he returned to his couch, only to discover his drink was gone! In its place was a post-it note that declared, "Thanks. I was parched."
Akio's eyes widened with horror. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His voice echoed all over the campus.
The doorbell rang again.
"Damn you!" he yelled. "I don't know who you are, but I want my drink back, and I want it back NOW!" He ran to the door and flung it open. This time, a very-naked Touga stood in his doorway, shaking with anger. "Damn it, man, you couldn't even bother to cover yourself?" Akio was still angry, but licked his lips, which formed a seductive smile.
"No time for that! I just finished the best orgy of my LIFE, when all of a sudden, all the girls disappeared! All that was left was this!" He thrust the post-it into Akio's face. Akio's face clouded over with shock. He ran to the table and retrieved his respective post-it.
"My random iced drink just disappeared, and this was all that was left!"
"Who cares about your drink! Where are my girls?" Touga whined. "How can I be expected to keep up my role as campus manwhore if every time I have an orgy, the girls disappear right after! I'll be ruined!"
Juri shouted from a distance. "But at least we won't have to waste all that money on safe sex programs!"
Akio glanced around him. "Who said that?"
"Don't mind that. Everybody on the student council has exceptionally good hearing and voice projection. It's in the job description."
"Aah, I see."
"Anyway, what are we going to do?!"
Akio sighed, and gazed out the window. "I was afraid this would happen…"
"You were WHAT?!"
"The former dean warned me of this. As he ran out the door with his little purple-haired boy, giving the school the finger, he shouted back to me to 'beware the Phantom.'"
"Hm, I wonder what he was in such a hurry for…"
At a Motel 6 several hundred miles from Ohtori, Nemuro and Mamiya settled in for the night. They were watching some TV before beginning the night's activities. Unfortunately for them, the only thing on at that hour was "Cooking With Saionji," featuring recent Ohtori drop-out Saionji wearing a frilly pink apron that read, "Give da chef some lovin'!" "Ok, today I'm going to show you how to make a fried egg!"
The wailing of Nanami could be heard in the distance.
"First, you crack the egg into the pan, and then – OH MY FUCKING DIOS, IT'S ON FIRE! AAAH MY HAIR, MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL--" Nemuro switched off the TV. All that talk about eggs was giving him an idea. He reached into his suitcase and pulled out – an eggbeater? This was going to prove to be a very interesting night indeed….
Back in Ohtori, Touga sweatdropped. "On second thought, maybe I don't want to know why they were in such a hurry."
Akio reached into nothingness and in his hand an eggbeater suddenly appeared. "You never know, you just might enjoy it." He moved closer to Touga, positioning himself at his back.
"I'd say this is a rather indecent proposal, Mr. Chairman…" Touga closed his eyes and arched his back. "Oh, yes…baby….you've lit my fire."
An indistinct "whirrrrr" noise was heard by the students of Ohtori for some time that night. However, they were quite used to strange sounds at all hours, so paid it no mind, and most continued to watch their former classmate lit on fire.
In the darkness, Juri stepped out of her room, wearing a white frilly nightgown. She looked up to address the sky: "Could we get on with the plot, please?"
The author coughed slightly. "You know how essential the random sex scenes are to any good Utena fanfic. You wait your turn."
Juri sighed and crossed her arms. "Fine. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to the fencing club building for some unknown purpose." And so she did.
A figure was lurking in the shadows, waiting for Juri as she approached. As she neared, he jumped out of the bushes.
"Ruka! You bastard, you nearly gave me a heart attack!"
"Juri, Juri my love! I have ordered my white horses; they're waiting at the door! Please let me stay beside you, to guard you and to guide you!"
Juri again rolled her eyes. If she wasn't careful, they might get stuck that way. "Look, Ruka….I don't want you there beside me. I don't want you anywhere near me! Ruka, can't you understand that I HATE YOU?!" Juri shook with anger.
Ruka's eyes welled up in tears. "Juri….you can't possibly mean that. You can't….you just can't…."
Juri narrowed her eyes. "I do."
"Juri, noooooo! Everything I do, I do it for you! Can't you see?"
"I'm sorry, Ruka, but that's just the way it is. And if you quote one more song lyrics, I'll do what I threatened about slicing your balls off! " Calmly, Juri continued on her walk, leaving Ruka sobbing on the pavement.
"I can't believe it…Juri, my love…"
"Chu?"
A small purple monkey-mouse wearing a tie crept up beside Ruka.
"Chu chu?"
Ruka looked up and wiped his eyes. "Oh, hey there little guy…no, I'll be alright."
"Chu?"
"No, it's just that I've just had my heart broken by the only girl I ever loved…sometimes, I think she might be gay. I mean, look at me!" He jumped to his feet. "I'm gorgeous! I'm tall, I'm muscular, I have hair that's to die for…who wouldn't want me?"
"Chu," ChuChu nodded.
"I think I like you, little man. What's your name?"
"Chu." He paused. "Chu chu chu?"
"Oh, I like the sound of that. My place or yours?"
"Chu."
"Alright then, my place it is!" Ruka picked ChuChu up and perched him on his shoulder, and pranced off happily to his room.
Isn't new love a beautiful thing, boys and girls?
Juri stepped inside the fencing hall. The only light shone through the glass ceiling from the moon and the stars. "I'm here," she whispered to the night.
"I knew you would come," resonated a voice from the shadows. "I've been waiting for you. I have something to show you."
"I know if anyone can make me feel better, it's you…Bob." She grimaced at the name. "I've been so troubled since the new appointment of the deans. I can't concentrate on anything except it! I fear for the reproductive health of every female Ohtori student."
"They will be taken care of…in time. For now, follow me."
"But I don't know where you are!"
"Follow my voice…" Indeed, the voice seemed to linger somewhere near the far right corner of the room. Juri followed it, and immediately gasped as an icy hand sprang out of the darkness to take her arm. "Do not fear me. Only follow." The hand seemed to lead Juri straight into the wall of the building, only instead of hitting the wall, she was going down, down a ramp, down forever it seemed.
"Where are we?" she breathed.
"Deep in the catacombs of Ohtori," the voice answered. "This is where I have made my lair." He gently tugged on Juri's arm, urging her to continue following. He led her into a small boat; they passed soundlessly over a dark lake.
Juri sniffed the air. "It smells like….fire and brimstone down here. You're not Akio, are you?"
"I have told you, I will reveal myself to you in time. As for the smell, forgive me, I was trying out a recipe for a fried egg from a late-night cooking show. I'm afraid I'm not a very good cook."
Juri sweatdropped. "That's OK…I think."
Finally, the hand helped Juri gently out of the boat and through a doorway. Juri gasped once she was through the door. She was inside the largest, most grand fencing arena she had ever seen. "Dios…" she whispered. She turned to look at the voice, a figure illuminated for the first time. He was tall and lean, clothed in a long black robe and black mask that completely concealed his face. "Can't I see your face?" She asked him.
He chose to ignore the question. "You must know why I've brought you down here. Juri, you are the best fencer Ohtori Academy has ever seen! I want you to fence for me."
Juri blinked. "You want me to….what?"
"I've spent my life creating a new series of fencing moves. Only you can make my moves take flight!" He pulled an exquisite rapier off the wall and handed it to her. "Just do as I say."
Juri knew mindlessly agreeing to this was horribly out of character for her, but for the sake of the plot, she continued to do as the Phantom asked of her. Oh, would the author owe her later.
"Position yourself…that's it. Now, thrust! Thrust! Thrust!"
Juri stopped. "You're one kinky bastard, you know that?"
The Phantom sighed. "I thought you would appreciate my technique."
Juri arched an eyebrow. "Oh, no, sure I appreciate your technique."
"Now, let's try this again."
And so they continued, on into the night and well into the morning, long past even when Kozue returned from her multiple drunken orgies. Finally, Juri, exhausted, collapsed to the floor in a heap. The Phantom took pity on her, and carried her to his bed, a coffin filled with rose petals. "Sleep well, my lesbian seagull…"
A shadowy spaceship crashed into a shadow of the phallic Student Council building. The shadow of the Author of the fic appeared, with a shadow dressed in the Rose Bride gown. On the other side of the sunset background, Shadow Players A-Ko and B-Ko appeared, B-Ko dressed in the Rose Bridge gown, A-Ko brandishing a sword. "I wonder, I wonder, do you wonder what I wonder?" the author asked.
"Hey, that's our line!" A-Ko was furious. "I challenge you to a duel!"
"Fine," said the Author, unruffled. "But my Shining Thing and I will defeat you and win the power to pants the world!" She draped the other girl backwards over her arm, and removed a sword that sprang from her chest. The Shadow Players did the same.
"Wait!" A-ko dropped her sword. "Why are we fighting? B-ko, why don't we just let the Author use our line this one time? We get to say it in every other episode, after all."
B-Ko sighed. "I suppose you're right. Hey, Author and Shining Thing, do you wanna go get a pizza?"
"Sure!" the other girl enthusiastically agreed. The four of them walked away from the scene.
"MY SHINING THING!" Miki cried out from afar, and barreled into the scene, only to hit his head against the wall and pass out on the ground.
A number of days later, Miki, with a very cartoonish bump on his head, was shocked to discover the only member present at the Student Council meeting was himself. He knew Saionji had quit school for Food Network fame, and Touga's time was occupied with sex, sex, menial management duties, and more sex, but where was Juri? He frowned. Missing a meeting wasn't like her at all. Sure, she was noticeably distraught after hearing of Touga's new position, however, he had never known her to be quite that concerned about reproductive health before. Certainly not enough to be abandoning her duties to the Student Council. Miki clicked his stopwatch. Then again, Juri had participated in that rally for the rights of gay animals last year, so maybe this was just a period of heightened activism for her. Sighing, he stood up and made his way back into the elevator to leave the building. He stopped suddenly, and looked up. Somewhere above him in the building he could see….was that ChuChu's tail? Suspicious, he climbed up past the elevator into the loft of the building, which was previously unknown to him.
What he saw at the top of that ladder would shock, stun, horrify, and traumatize him for years to come. It's almost too awful to say….oh, but I think I will anyway.
Lying fully naked on his back, body positively dripping with sweat, Tsuchiya Ruka heaved and gasped. Sitting next to him was an eggbeater covered with some substance that vaguely resembled egg whites, however, Miki had a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach it wasn't. Perched on top of Ruka's chest, ChuChu snoozed peacefully. Both had dark circles under their eyes as if they hadn't slept in days.
"Di…o…s…." Miki's face went through a veritable whirlwind of expressions, which culminated in him passing out and waking up several days later on the floor of the elevator, surrounded by vomit, being poked by a random janitor.
It was around this time Juri reappeared on campus. To all who beheld her, she was vibrant, focused, and at the top of her game, fencing-wise. She was an excellent fencer to begin with, but she seemed to radiate a heightened confidence, and kicked the asses of all foolish enough to challenge her.
At the next Council meeting, Miki, who had taken to wearing a bandanna tied over his eyes ("I don't want to see anything ever again," he was reported to have said), seized the opportunity to ask Juri of her recent experiences.
"I'm sorry, Miki, but I just can't tell you that. I'll simply say I've had assistance from an angel."
"But Juri, you don't believe in angels."
Juri sweatdropped. "Well, what else am supposed I to call him?
"I don't know…a phantom, a ghost, an apparition, an otherworldly aid, a mysterious helper who lurks in the shadows….Ruka?"
"What are you, a fucking thesaurus?" Juri growled lowly. "And what makes you think it was Ruka?"
"No, I mean Ruka is standing right over there." Miki said weekly, and again passed out, slumped low in his chair.
"How on earth did you know that?" Juri wondered allowed, staring at Miki's bandanna.
"Never you mind that, Juri!" Sure enough, Ruka was leaning against the doorway, smoking a cigarette, his jacket unbuttoned, wearing a pair of dark glasses. "I've merely come to tell you I'm completely over any feelings I had for you. I've found a new love."
"That's very nice for you," Juri replied, sincerely not wanting to know who Ruka picked up that quickly. "But what do you want?"
"Simply to inform you." With that, Ruka tossed his cigarette casually to the ground, snuffed it out with his foot, and exited.
Juri bent over the table, her head supported by her hands. "How many little kids did I molest in a past life to deserve being surrounded by all these psychos?"
"Big brother! Big brother! Oh…." Nanami burst through the door, and paused, seeing only a distraught Juri and blacked out Miki. "My big brother hasn't been here, has he?"
Juri raised her head. "No, Nanami, I haven't seen your brother ever since he became the assistant dean. He's spent all his time in his new room having orgies."
"Juri-sempai, why would you say such a thing?" Nanami's eyes welled up with tears. "He wouldn't let those other girls have him! I know he wouldn't!"
Juri arched an eyebrow, wondering which rock Nanami had been living under this week.
"Anyway…I just wanted to let him know that I miss him. I'm so lost living in the house all by myself without him!" Nanami buried her face in her hands and sobbed.
Juri let out a long sigh and stood up. "Do you need a hug?" she asked, somewhat sarcastically. Nanami flung herself into Juri's arms, sobbing into her chest. Juri looked down at the vulnerable girl, then up to the sky, and gave a thumbs up.
I'm sure Miki, traumatized as he was, would have been very glad he was passed out and blindfolded as these events unfolded.
"You know, Juri-sempai….I've always really liked you. You're the only person I feel really understands me."
Juri smiled to herself. This was getting better and better.
"And well…oh, this is so hard for me to say." Nanami blushed a shade of light pink.
"You don't need to say anything," Juri softly held a finger to Nanami's lips.
"Sempai…." Nanami looked into Juri's eyes, and was suddenly pulled into a passionate kiss. After what seemed a long while, the two pulled back, breasts heaving like a puppy's.
"Say, do you wanna get out of here?" Juri asked.
"I thought you'd never ask!" Juri laced her arm around Nanami's waist, and the two exited, leaving a very much unconscious Miki still slumped over in his seat.
A lone figure watched the two exit from his perch on the top of the building. "I taught you my moves," he lamented to himself. "And now, you've denied me and betrayed me. You will curse this day!" He swung his cape around him, however, instead of disappearing into thin air, as was his goal, he still stood on top of the building. "Damn it, not again," he muttered. Still grumbling to himself, he turned around. He would have to use the stairs again. Muttering to himself all the way, he made his way down the hidden staircase along the back of the building, through the Ohtori campus, and past many startled students, who couldn't believe it was Halloween already. "I've really got to get a network of secret passages," he thought.
Two of the students to see him, Shinohara Wakaba and Kaoru Kozue, paused to look at each other. "Who was that?" the latter girl asked.
"I have no idea…" Wakaba was wide-eyed, staring after the figure.
"Say, there's a drunken orgy going on about two blocks from here. I don't have a date, so, would you like to go?"
Wakaba looked at Kozue in disbelief. "I've never been to a drunken orgy before. I didn't know we had any on campus."
Kozue let out a giggle. "Where have you been? There's at least one every hour! Come on, you'll love it."
"Well…okay!" Wakaba grinned and jumped onto Kozue's back. The lithe girl had a little trouble supporting Wakaba, but they soon made it to the orgy, which was being held at Touga's new residence. It was in full swing already. Hoards of girls were draped over the furniture, the ceiling fan, lounging on the floor, the stairs, you name it, girls were there. At the center of it all was Touga, standing on the coffee table doing a rather enthusiastic rendition of The Chicken Dance, to the delight of the girls. Ignoring him, Kozue snatched a bottle of tequila from the drinks table. Wakaba, however, stared wide-eyed at the scenario. Kozue tugged at her arm. "Come on, all the real fun goes on upstairs." She opened the bottle and passed it Wakaba, who took an eager swig. Giggling, the two girls ran upstairs and into the nearest unoccupied bedroom.
Juri paused for a moment from drizzling chocolate syrup over Nanami's torso. "Is there anyone in this story NOT having sex right now?" she shouted to the sky.
The Author checked her lists. "Hm…the random janitor found Miki, Utena and Anthy aren't in it, but they're digging into Akio's porn stash, Saionji just met up with Rachel Ray…oh! There is one person…"
The Phantom sat alone in his lair, delicately fingering the exquisite sword Juri had trained with. Ever since he had met Juri, he couldn't get her out of his thoughts. He wanted her to be the best, to grant her the power of miracles, so they could share it together. He removed his mask and swept a lock of hair back from his face. "But she must never know it's me…" he thought with a sigh. Replacing the mask, his mind began to whirl in the formation of a plan.
The next afternoon, the nymphomaniac students of Ohtori had recovered from the previous day, and were going about their business as usual. Juri was just on her way to lunch when she spied a familiar figure lurking in the door of the fencing arena. Ignoring all hunger, she turned towards the building and ran.
"ChuChu…go away, for the trap is set and waits for its prey!" the Phantom sang softly. The monkey-mouse obediently ran from the room.
"Phantom," she panted as the entered. "What is it?"
The Phantom stood in the center of the room, holding two bottles of something that resembled a clear soda. He offered one to Juri.
"What is this?" she asked, reluctantly accepting the bottle.
"Just a little something I asked our resident witch, the Rose Bride, to whip up for me. I want you to sing something with me…go on, drink it. It won't hurt you, only give you a gorgeous soprano."
Juri carefully took a sip. She had always wanted to learn to sing. Immediately, she was dressed in an exquisite fencing uniform. She looked down at herself. "Hey, I like this…"
The Phantom began to sing, deeply and seductively. "You have come here in pursuit of your deepest urge-"
Juri interrupted. "I have? Wow, I didn't know you'd be teaching me how to skydive!"
The Phantom continued. " In pursuit of that wish, which till now has been silent, silent… I have brought you, that our passions may fuse and merge - in your mind you've already succumbed to me, dropped all defenses, completely succumbed to me - now you are here with me: no second thoughts, you've decided, decided…" He paused to take a deep breath.
"Past the point of no return - no backward glances: the games we've played till now are at an end . . . Past all thought of "if" or "when" - no use resisting: abandon thought, and let the dream descend . . . What raging fire shall flood the soul? What rich desire unlocks its door? What sweet seduction lies before us . . .? Past the point of no return, the final threshold - what warm, unspoken secrets will we learn? Beyond the point of no return . . ."
Juri took a step towards the Phantom, feeling her own voice rise in her throat. "You have brought me to that moment where words run dry, to that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence…" She paused. "Hey, how do I know the words?" Closing her eyes, she continued. "I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why… In my mind, I've already imagined our bodies entwining, defenseless and silent - and now I am here with you: no second thoughts, I've decided, decided… Past the point of no return - no going back now: our passion-play has now, at last, begun … Past all thought of right or wrong - one final question: how long should we two wait, before we're one . . .? When will the blood begin to race the sleeping bud burst into bloom? When will the flames, at last, consume us . . .?" She stopped. "Wait, I don't want to have sex with you! For all I know, you could be Ruka!"
"If only you knew…" the Phantom chuckled to himself. He raised his hands to his head, pulled off his mask, and revealed…
"MITSURU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Juri's jaw dropped.
"Yes, Juri, don't you see? All this time, it is you who I've always loved" The voice modifier in his mask removed, he spoke with his usual childish goloss. "And so that you and I may live together with the power of miracles, untroubled, I have removed that which stands in your way!" He gestured to a corner of the room, where the lifeless body of Touga lied.
"Murderer!" Juri growled.
"Oh, no, I didn't murder him," Mitsuru admitted. "He merely sexed himself to death. However, I may or may not have had a hand in that." He studied his fingernails for a brief moment before turning to look at Juri. "And now that all worry has been removed from your life, you can join me in my lair in the catacombs of Ohtori, as my Rose Bride, and together, we will achieve the power of miracles!" Before Juri could make a move to stop him, he had swept her up and carried her over his shoulder, towards the wall through which he had taken her to his lair. He was much stronger than Juri had ever imagined (and also quite adept at walking on stilts, I might add), and she found herself powerless to free herself. Finally, she let herself go limp, giving up all hope of escape, at least for the moment. She was the only one who could save herself, she know. Or so she thought…"
"TSUWABUKI!!!!!" a voice squealed from the doorway. "PUT HER DOWN!"
"Nanami!" Juri gasped.
Meekly, Mitsuru obeyed her.
"What do you think you've been doing, trying to kidnap my lover? I'm telling your parents about this, Tsuwabuki!"
Mitsuru's face clouded over. "No…Nanami-san, you can't! They'll remove me from the academy, for sure!"
"You should have thought of that before you disguised yourself in order to prey upon the students. Out of my sight, now!" Mitsuru, his head hung low, scurried out of the building, discarding his mask, cloak, and stilts behind him.
Juri ran into Nanami's arms. "But how did you know?"
"He hasn't been around to receive my orders lately, so I was growing suspicious. So I followed him here one day. I knew he'd try something like this, so I had to be there to stop him. Were you surprised to see me?"
"Oh, Nanami…" Juri paused. "But, your brother?"
Nanami turned her head to look at the corpse of her brother. "Oh, let him be. He's spread enough STDs to be a murderer in his own right. Besides, you're the only one for me now, Juri!"
Juri held Nanami as tightly as possible without breaking the girl, and kissed her as if it were her last day on earth. When they finally broke away, Nanami smiled. "I've ordered my white horse – it's waiting at the door! Will you come with me, Juri?"
Juri took Nanami's outstretched hand in her own, and allowed herself to be led out the door. One exquisite white mare was waiting outside. Nanami helped Juri up first, then climbed up on the horse behind her. Every student at Ohtori paused their love-making to watch the two girls ride off into the sunset.
"Aah," Akio sighed, watching the scene from his planetarium window, random iced drink in hand. "I just love happy endings."
THE END
Disclaimer!: Unfortunately, I do not own Shoujo Kakumei Utena. That distinction belongs to Kunihiko Ikuhara, Saito Chiho, and the rest of the Be-Papas. Oh, but if I did own SKU…*maniacal laugh* Let's just say it's a good thing I don't. Also, I don't own the Food Network, but if I did, I would force Jamie Oliver to make sweet sweet love to me. So maybe it's also good that I don't own it. The Phantom of the Opera is owned by the long-deceased Gaston Leroux (the author of the original book), the musical, by Andrew Lloyd Webber and the Really Useful Group. There are many references to the extraordinary Utena spamfic, "Scenes from an Elevator," contained in this fic. That is the property of Dreiser, and I demand you all make your way over to dreiser.net and read her amazing fanfiction! The random iced drink quip is a nod to the funniest Utena site EVER, Blood Soaked and Honor Bound. Anything else you might happen to spot that you are suspicious of, I most likely don't own.
With all that said, I hope you enjoyed the fic! It's the first I've written in quite some time, so forgive me if I'm a little rusty. And please remember that all flames will be used to burn Saionji in my backyard.