RELIVING THE LIFE YOU LOST

"Goku, wake up..."

"Come on, ya little twerp!"

"Damn it, bakazaru, how do you always end up doing something stupid like this?"

"Shush, Sanzo. I think he's finally coming around."

Drearily, queer, golden eyes flutter open, and a cringe of pain signals that their owner is well aware of the large bump on the back of his head. He shakes his weariness away, causing a few stray strands of brown hair to fall over his forehead, though he still can't seem to clear his thoughts properly. He looks back and forth between his comrades with a dazed expression, as if his vision is still clouded.

Since they had been driving over particularly rough terrain, Hakkai had been steering as carefully as he could for the past few miles. Nonetheless, when Goku foolishly stood up on his seat during one of his many pointless fights with Gojyo, a rather nasty bump sent him flying backwards out of the jeep.

After screeching to a halt, the three remaining members of the Sanzo-ikkou had sprinted towards their fallen companion with great concern, discovering him completely unconscious in the dusty, red dirt.

Finally, he is awake, but everything is definitely NOT okay.

"Goku...? Are you alright?" Hakkai asks tenderly, surveying his young friend's bewildered expression. "You hit your head pretty hard. How do you feel?"

Goku swallows and rubs his eyes, still looking at the others as if not quite recognizing them. "I think I'm okay." answers an oddly small voice for one usually so boisterous. "Why do all of you look so strange?"

"What are you talking about, saru?" Gojyo sneers, his ever-present cigarette dangling out of his mouth as if it might fall at any moment. "That bump on your head screw up your vision, or something?"

"I...I don't think so..."

"Well, if you're not hurt, hurry and get up." Sanzo barks, folding his arms over his chest with authority. "We don't have all day. Let's get back in the jeep."

Goku doesn't move, still seated in the dirt like a child in a sandbox waiting for someone to come and play with him. "Jeep? Ne, Konzen, where are we, anyway?"

The other three instantly freeze in place, staring down at him with varying degrees of uncomprehending shock.

"Nani?" Goku whines, looking fearfully up at their devastated faces. "Why are you all looking at me like that. Ken-niichan? Ten-chan? Konzen, what's wrong?"

Hesitantly, Hakkai kneels down beside Goku in the dirt, and smiles his most reassuring smile. "Ano...Goku, don't you know who we are?"

"Of course I do. I just said your names, didn't I?"

"Those weren't our names, saru." Gojyo explains, clearly concerned, no matter how much Goku annoys him most of the time. "You must have hit your head harder than we thought."

Goku laughs nervously, certain his friends are having fun at his expense. "Baka." he smiles. "I'm not stupid. You may look a little funny, but you're still you. Who else would you be?"

The serious looks on all of their faces unnerves Goku greatly, though, and he slowly begins to realize they are not playing around.

Gojyo keeps looking to Hakkai for answers, Hakkai in turn is having a very difficult time keeping his characteristic smile from wavering, and Sanzo has backed up a full three feet from the rest of the group, as if afraid to get too close.

Still kneeling on the ground, Hakkai takes Goku's hand in his and pats it lovingly, trying his best to remain calm. "Don't worry, Goku, a few things have just fallen out of your head for the moment. I'm sure it's only temporary. I'm Hakkai, remember? And this is Gojyo..." He gestures to the tall red-head beside him. "...and Sanzo." And then back to the retreating monk. "Now, do those names sound familiar?"

His large eyes suddenly becoming very damp, Goku trembles, his hand shaking almost too much for Hakkai to hold onto. "Sanzo...?" he repeats, looking towards his guardian warily.

"That's right." Hakkai nods. "Hakkai, Gojyo, and Sanzo. We're on a journey to the west to stop evil youkai from disrupting the earth's balance." he explains, deciding to leave out the fine details of their mission. "We use that jeep for transportation, though it's really a small, white dragon in disguise named Hakuryuu. Remember Hakuryuu? You feed him scraps under the table during dinner. As long as you don't eat everything yourself, that is." Hakkai's smile broadens, but Goku is far from comforted.

"Maybe we should keep going, Hakkai." Gojyo offers, peering down the path they had been traveling on. "We're almost to town. I can see the lights from here. Let's just wait til we get there, then we can figure out what's going on away from all this sun and sand. Ne?"

Hakkai sighs in agreement, standing up slowly, and helps Goku to his feet as well with a gentle tug. Slowly, the four climb back inside the jeep, all remaining silent for the remainder of the trip to town. Hakkai repeatedly casts glances at the rearview mirror, catching a glimpse of a huddled Goku curled into a very tight ball in the backseat, next to a very worried Gojyo who doesn't have a clue as to how he can help.

As for Sanzo, he has yet to say a word, and though Goku's gold eyes often dart over the blonde's still form in the seat in front of him, the monk merely stares straight ahead with no emotion on his stern face.

Needless to say, it is not a pleasant ride, and everyone breathes relief when they at last park outside an inviting Inn with many attached, personal cottages, and work their way inside to claim one as theirs.

"Now, Goku, why don't you tell us who YOU think we are?" Hakkai prompts, after they had settled themselves into one of the cottages.

They are seated in a small living room that connects to a kitchen, with doors to two bedrooms and one bathroom lining the walls around them. Sanzo is leaning against the wall, Gojyo is sitting on the arm of a rather ratty couch, and Goku and Hakkai are seated on it.

They have yet to assign rooms or make anything for dinner, though a meal is long overdue, and frankly, even if they had stopped to make something, none of them would have had the stomach to eat it.

"Well...you're not Hakkai, Gojyo, and Sanzo." Goku begins meekly, keeping his eyes cast down. "You're Tenpou, Kenren, and Konzen. I live with Konzen because Kanzeon Bosatsu put him in charge of me. Konzen does alot of paperwork, and Kenren and Tenpou are the general and marshal of Heaven's Western army--"

"Heaven?!" Gojyo interrupts, nearly losing his cigarette from between his lips.

"Let him talk, Gojyo." Hakkai breaks in, and then turns back to Goku with that same warm, soothing smile. "Please, keep going."

Goku responds a bit better to the smile this time, and finally looks as if he might be relaxing. "That's about it, actually. I know something happened to all of us, something bad, but...I can't remember."

"So...we're gods?" Gojyo asks incredulously.

"You're not now?" Goku responds, which naturally results in Gojyo doubling over with laughter, practically sending him off the arm of the couch to writhe on the floor.

Sanzo, however, does not find any of this very funny. "What's wrong with him, Hakkai? Why doesn't he remember THIS life?"

Goku perks up at the sound of Sanzo's voice, considering he hasn't spoken since they got here, and looks to his caretaker with eyes of pure adoration.

Sanzo ignores him. "How do we get him back to normal?"

"I'm sorry, Sanzo, but I have no idea." Hakkai admits, standing from his spot on the couch. "The only thing I can think of is to wait it out. It seems he's caught in the memories of the life he led before you found him in that cave. It would seem that we are reincarnations of his companions from that time. It makes sense, in a way, though I have no idea why gods would be sent into the cycle of reincarnation, or why Goku was imprisoned instead of joining our fate. Maybe we'll never know."

"Who cares?" Gojyo whines, having clawed his way back from the clutches of overly-induced laughter. "Let's just eat and call it an early night. I'm starving and exhausted, and I don't really feel like dealing with a past life right now."

"You're right, Gojyo, a good meal and rest is exactly what we need." Hakkai agrees, and then looks down at Goku, who is still on the couch. "You can share a room with me tonight, okay?"

Goku is definitely looking better, especially after that mention of food, and he hops up from the couch with a growing smile of his own. "That's okay, Ten-chan. I know you'd much rather share with Ken-niichan."

After taking a moment to register who Goku is referring to with those names, Gojyo offers a rather bemused response. "And why the hell would he prefer me, saru?"

"Because you're so close to each other."

"What do you mean?" Hakkai questions.

"Well...you two ARE really close, ne?"

"I suppose so." Hakkai admits cautiously, still not quite sure what Goku is implying.

"We've been living together for the past few years, if that's what you mean." Gojyo adds.

Goku seems oddly disturbed by these answers, and looks back and forth at Gojyo and Hakkai with a scrutinizing, golden gaze. "I don't understand. Don't you love each other anymore?"

Gojyo, Hakkai, and yes, even Sanzo, immediately face-fault. "Lo...love?!" Gojyo cries, having finally lost his cigarette with the extent of shock plastered on his face. "What the hell are you talking about?!"

Gradually, the truth begins to dawn on Hakkai, who has taken in Goku's words with the most dignity out of the three, and he crouches down a little to look directly into Goku's eyes as he speaks. "Goku...are you saying that Gojyo and I--Kenren and Tenpou--were lovers?"

Gojyo falls off the edge of the couch with a thud.

"Not just lovers." Goku explains. "IN love! You're the one who explained the difference to me, Ten-chan. You said that being lovers didn't always mean much, but that if you were lovers IN love you had something special and irre...irreplaceable." At these words, Goku blushes and lowers his gaze to the floor. "I really embarrassed Konzen when I talked to him about it."

Hakkai's somewhat paled face turns to Sanzo, and Gojyo--who has since recovered himself from the floor--looks to the monk, as well.

Sanzo shifts nervously under their collective gaze, finally walking a bit closer to the group to address Goku directly, something he has yet to do since discovering that the youthful brunette is not the saru he knows so well.

"What exactly did you say...?" the stern blonde demands, piercing his violet gaze down upon Goku's bent, brown head.

"I...I said...

---

"Konzen, I don't want us to be lovers."

Dropping his stack of papers onto the floor, Konzen blanches. "Nani?! Who ever said we would be, saru?!"

The blonde god had been sitting languidly on his overstuffed couch, working on piled up paperwork and completely ignoring his charge, who had been seated next to him, and who is now climbing eagerly onto his lap.

Though Konzen tenses at this invasion of space, he does NOT push Goku away.

"Ore wa...ai shiteru, Konzen." Goku sighs, bravely laying his head against Konzen's chest. "I know I do. And...if we have something special and irre...irreplaceable...then just being lovers would be terrible. I'm in love with YOU, not what's in your pans."

Konzen raises a golden eyebrow, not comprehending Goku's meaning, though he very quickly deciphers what the monkey is actually trying to say. "That's PANTS, bakazaru, not PANS. And what do you know about it anyway?"

"Iie, Konzen, I'm sure it was pans, because I love your cooking. What would I want from inside your pants?"

Repressing a laugh that would have been far to uncharacteristic, Konzen shakes his head, still not responding to Goku's close proximity, but not scolding him for it, either. "Nevermind. Just...don't talk to Kenren anymore. I don't like him filling your head with all this nonsense."

"Demo...Tenpou's the one who explained all of this to me, not Kenren. Although...I guess the pans thing WAS him..."

"Wait!" Konzen breaks in. "Tenpou? What did HE tell you?"

"Well...I went to wake him up this morning because he said he'd go for a walk with me while you were busy, and when I got there, Kenren was in his bed with him."

"WHAT?!"

"Daijobu." Goku grins, looking happily up at his guardian, blissfully ignorant of what he had actually walked in on that morning. "When I asked Tenpou why they slept together, he told me they were lovers, but that they were also IN love. He said that if they were just lovers, Kenren would have left afterwards. He wouldn't tell me after what, though."

Konzen shakes his head again, his eyes glinting maliciously. "I'm going to kill him for this."

"Don't be angry, Konzen." Goku reassures. "Tenpou was just telling me what I wanted to know. And...even though I don't really know what lovers do, I know I want with you what Kenren and Tenpou have with each other. I love you, and I want everything that goes with it."

Try as he may, Konzen cannot keep himself from blushing. His cheeks, his ears, and down the base of his neck, become bright red, and he stares dumbly back at Goku, with no words to offer as encouragement or rejection.

"Daijobu." Goku grins again, wrapping his arms around Konzen's reddened neck. "Ten-chan told me that I have to wait til I'm older for us to be together the way him and Ken-niichan are. I don't mind at all, either, cause I love you enough to wait as long as it takes." Braver still, Goku swiftly plants a soft kiss on Konzen's cheek.

Even redder than before, Konzen is utterly petrified. "Ba...baka. Why do you affect me like this...?" he whispers, staring in disbelief at Goku's warm, gold eyes and charming smile.

They remain that way for a long time before Konzen at last has the will to move, and once he is in control of his body again, he makes the almost impossible choice of pulling Goku in against him for a caring hug, tightly to his chest.

"I...I love you back...you stupid, annoying monkey. Heaven help me...I love you back..."

---

All save Goku are thoroughly stunned, and Sanzo has turned white as a freshly-starched sheet.

It is one thing to have Goku acting so strange; it is another entirely to have him telling them tales of their romantic--and in some cases, erotic--encounters with each other. Especially, since none of them can remember those past lives, nor can they imagine what those former selves once felt.

Goku is blessedly ignorant to the nature of his friends' reactions, and continues smiling away, beaming up at all of them. Finally, realizing the others are too tongue-tied to speak, he turns to Sanzo, speaking with only the smallest semblance of hesitation.

"Ne...you love me, don't you, Konzen?"

Sanzo is borderline livid. "I am NOT Konzen, damn it!! Get it through your head! Whoever I was, whoever Konzen was, he died years ago."

"Demo...you...you ARE Konzen!" Goku insists, latching childishly onto Sanzo's arm. "Don't you remember...loving me...?"

"I DON'T LOVE YOU!!" screeches a venomous reply, forceful enough to knock Goku back as his hands slip forlornly from Sanzo's sleeve. The finality of those words rings in the air like a windchime tossed in the breeze, sustaining itself long after the silence has become unbearable. "How could I love you?" Sanzo sneers. "I can barely stand you."

Instantly welling up with merciless tears, Goku backs away, finally turning and sprinting from the room, and leaving behind only a final, desperately angry, whispered word. "...kisama..."

Tangible silence overcomes once again; Sanzo cold and unwilling to meet the others' gaze; Gojyo in pure shock at the directness of Sanzo's words; and Hakkai nearly as hurt as Goku by the monk's complete disregard for human emotion and frailty.

"Sanzo...don't you think that was a little harsh?" the brunette inquires, playing his usual role as concerned caregiver.

"No kidding." Gojyo agrees, jumping on the scold-Sanzo bandwagon eagerly. "The monkey may be talking nonsense, but you didn't have to crush him like that."

Sanzo gives no reply, but Hakkai takes an obvious step back, seemingly disturbed by Gojyo's choice of words. "Nonsense...?"

Turning towards Hakkai somewhat offguard at being questioned, Gojyo fumbles for an explanation. "Well...yeah. I mean, me and you lovers? That's crazy, ne?" he laughs nervously, scratching the back of his crimson head out of habit. "Who'd ever believe something like that?"

Without another word, Hakkai turns on his heels and walks out of the room, leaving behind the smallest traces of the hurt that had been present on his face.

"What did I say?" Gojyo calls after him, though obviously, he does not reach his intended listener.

Now that it is only him and Sanzo in the room, the half-youkai turns to his companion for answers, and maybe even a little sympathy--though both possibilities are highly improbable. Sanzo, naturally, refuses to even meet his stare. Coldly, the monk turns to leave as well, and soon, Gojyo is the only one left.

"Perfect." he groans, plopping down on the floor right where he had been standing. "Just perfect..."

tbc...

Crim