It's baaaaaaackkkk...
After the End of Evangelion Part 3- 2003 minus 1337 equals 666.
Disclaimer: I don't own Shinji, Asuka, Gendo, Rei, or any other Evangelion characters, Gainix does. No infringement is intended...blah blah blah, insert more legal crap here. Jesus and other religious affliliates are copyright The Beginning of Time.
(Shinji and Asuka stand at the mouth of the Canyon of 1337/l337/l33t/leet. It is a rocky canyon, surrounded by several of the black monoliths. Asuka has a worried look on her face, and Shinji is actually paying attention)
Asuka: We don't know what kind of horrors await us in there...think about it! That bastardization of the English language plaguing us every step of the way...choruses of "A/S/L!1111" and "Cna I c ur pic/ u sux cuz i say so. LOLOLOLOLOL!111111!56!111"!
Shinji: Ooh, the Mating Call of the Lamer. C'mon. It's not so bad! People ask me for "A/S/L" all the time!
Asuka: Somehow I find that hard to believe.
Shinji: I always tell 'em the same thing: I'm a 42 year old housewife from Kentucky.
Asuka: So that's what you do with your free time...My god.
Shinji: (rambling on regardless)...And THEN I say, I've got their warm milk right here, and then it gets messy.
Asuka: Ewwww...
Shinji: Why are we going here anyway? I thought we had to...uh...what did we have to do again? Grave robbing or something like that? I love grave robbing.
Asuka: We're doing this to make you smarter.
Shinji: Why do we need to do THAT?
Asuka: (flustered) Uh...so...so that you're not so dumb...
Shinji: Wow, you're doing all this for lil' ol' me?
Asuka: (blushes) Uh! Um! Yes! I mean, no! I mean...LET'SGOINSIDE! (pulls Shinji inside the canyon)
(They begin walking sneaky like inside the canyon. Y'know, pullin' a Solid Snake.)
Asuka: (thinking to self, blushing all the while) Its true, I AM doing this all for him. Does that mean I'm selfish or doing this for his own good? Do I...do I like him?
(...And then The Writer smiled to himself, knowing he put in motion the romantic part of the story. Then he started clutching his head and screaming something about Writer's Block, and the government trying to kill him.)
Shinji: Why are we walking like this?
Asuka: Shhhh! We don't wanna attract attention!
Shinji: What? You mean like this? (Gets up and screams) LOLZ, U R TEH LOOSIRZ!
Asuka: NO! YOU FOOL!
(Two shadowy figures appear and stand back to back on top of a rock structure in front of them. Its not quite a rock and not quite a structure, but some sort of hideous love-child of the two. Don't ask me why I felt the need to explain that.)
Figure #1: LOL! j00 7h1nk j00 c4n 5n34k 8y u5! (Translation for the l337-challenged ((lucky them)): Hahaha! You think you can sneak by us!)
Figure #2: f00lz!
Asuka: ...Kill me now.
Figure #2: n07 b 4 w3 r4v4g3 j00. (Translation: Not before we ravage you.)
Shinji: j00 8um5, l4y 0ff 45uk4! (Translation: You bums, lay off Asuka!)
Asuka: Shinji, you know l337?
Shinji: Its a long story.
Asuka: What happened?
Shinji: Well, I was the 42 year old housewife online, and some guy asked me to put on this French Maids outfit, and he was speaking so strangely---
Asuka: NEVERMIND!
Figure #1: 50... j00 h4v3 4 5p34k3r...n3v0rm1nd, w3 5h4ll 571ll d157r0y j000000, LOLOLOLOLOL!111 (Translation: So, you have a speaker...nevermind, we shall still destroy you, ahahahahahahah!)
Asuka: Why the hell do you people even exist? WE'RE supposed to be the only two people alive!
Figure #2: Well, its quite simple really...
Figure #1: d00d, n0 3v1l 3ngl15h! (Translation: Dude, no evil english!)
Figure #2: Dad, I don't LIKE only talking in l337! All my friends think I'm weird! All the girls laugh at me! Why can't I be normal like the other kids?
Figure #1: n0000! w3 mu57 c0n71nu3 73h ph4m1ly 7r4d1710n! (Translation: No! We must continue the family tradition!)
Figure #2: Its ALL about what YOU want, isn't it, dad! Never me! Now I see why mom left you! (Figure #2 stomps off)
Figure #1: d4mm17! 1 c4n'7 d33l w17h j00 n0w, D4nny! g0 2 y0ur r00m! (Translation: Dammit! I can't deal with you now, Danny! Go to your room!)
Shinji: Uhhhh, 4r3 w3 1n73rrup71ng 50m37h1ng? (Translation: Uhhh, are we interrupting something?)
Figure #1: 5hu7 17, j00. n0w 1 w1ll k1llz j00 w17h 73h l337 c4nn0n! (Translation: Shut it, you. Now I will kill you with the l337 cannon!) (Pulls out a pea shooter) LOLOLOLZ! u 4r3 73h d00m3d! (Translation: Hahahah, you are doomed!)
Asuka: This can't possibly get any wierder.
(A group of lamers approaches from the east)
Group of Lamers: A/S/L!11111111111!59!
Figure #1: 0h, n0! 73h 74mZ0rZ! 5cr3w 7h15, 1m 0u774 h3r3! (Translation: Oh no, the lamers! Screw this, I'm outta here!) (He takes a few steps forward, then falls into a bottomless pit.) 4hhhhhhhh, 80770ml355 p17777777777--! (Translation: Ahhh, bottomless pittttttt!)
Asuka: I should have just kept my mouth shut.
Group of Lamers: OMGLOLZ!11! u wna cibrrr!1111/
Shinji: Crap! They're too strong! Ain't no way I can fend them off!
Asuka: Its okay, Shinji. You tried.
(The stampede of Lamers quickly approaches their position)
Shinji: Looks like this is the end.
Asuka: ...Again. (Thinks, then sighs) Ah well, might as well swallow my pride and say it.
Shinji: What are you talking about, Asuka?
Asuka: (blushes) Shinji...I guess...I mean...I...I like yo--
(Gigantic foot lands on lamers, and they explode in a flash of blood, guts, and computer keyboards. But that's okay. It isn't like they were human anyway. Besides, we probably saved a bunch of little girls by doing that.)
Shinji: HOLY HOT PANTS, BATMAN!
Asuka: (gaping at sight, completely dumbstruck)
(Both look up to see who's foot it was. Its the Eva 01.)
Eva 01: Hey Shinji! Bossy red head. What's up?
Shinji: Dude, you can TALK?
Eva 01: Well, I had to haggle with The Writer, but he said if giant chickens can talk, then I can too.
Asuka: ...This I don't believe.
Shinji: Acid trip?
Asuka: I'm taking your point into extreme consideration now.
Shinji: WOO! So, 01...livin' large, eh?
Eva 01: ...
Asuka: ...
Shinji: No pun intended, I swear!
Eva 01: Well...me and the other Evas were over there playing cards. Y'know, poker, a little Texas Hold 'Em, gin rummy, spit, all that good stuff. Then we heard you guys were around, so we decided to visit.
(Eva 02 and 00 wave, Asuka gives an uneasy smile and waves back. Shinji sticks his tongue out at them. Eva 02 gives Shinji the bird.)
Shinji: HEY! Asuka! 02 flipped me off!
Asuka: (gives the thumbs up sign to 02, who returns it) Huh? Oh, what? It did? Uh...um...b-bad 02...yeah...(mouths out "Good work" to 02)
Shinji: Hey...were is 03?
Eva 01: Oh, the American? Pfft, we don't give a damn about no freaking AMERICAN. Us Japanese Evas are better than that defect. Isn't that right 00? (00 nods)
Shinji: (Shinji looks over to see 03 trying to hang itself) Uh...why?
Eva 01: Well...uh...erm...we're better made...and more cost effective... and we don't have defects in us...like Angels...OH! And we're not American, so that automatically makes us awesome! Oh, and I guess 02 is alright for a German. (02 looks at 01 angrily). Anyway we better be going! We've got some training to do if we wanna beat the Jesus Posters in Blackjack.
Shinji: Uhhh...Alright, I'll see ya man. (Eva 01 and Shinji perform the Uber-Ghetto Handshake!)
(The words "Uber-Ghetto Handshake!" flash at a frenetic, seizure-riffic pace on the screen, and "Its Tricky" by Run DMC plays)
Eva 01: Peace. (Eva 01 runs off, shaking the landscape as he runs)
Shinji: I love that guy. He's got some racial issues he needs to work out though. I mean some of my best friends are American...like that duck I smuggled home from New York...Mr. Quackers kicked some serious ass...until I got stranded on that desert island and I had to eat him to survive...
Asuka: This is getting too weird for my taste. I mean, we were supposed to be the only two people alive, and then all this random stuff happened. Either someone messed up this "Rebirth of the World" thing, or we must be on some heavy stuff.
Shinji: (Shinji is slamming his head into a nearby wall, paying no attention to Asuka) C'mon--uhh---Asuka--oof---this is---geh---fun! (Shinji begins to bleed from his skull)
Asuka: Just when I thought you were getting smarter...Let's go!
Shinji: (affected by blood loss) Wha...whatevah...yooz says, Larry...
(And so they continued onwards on their journey North, and as they continued, Shinji's head wounds mysteriously disappeared, they exited the Canyon of l337, and somewhere all the way back in the Valley of Food, another giant fowl was crushed by a falling household appliance. Most likely a fridge.)
(Oh yeah...And then the two came across the mythical Gauntlet of Vibrating Beds)
Asuka: Heyyy...WE'RE RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED!
Shinji: Oooh, that hurts, don't it?
(The Beds begin chanting the word "Sex" again)
Asuka: SHUT UP! I know that's what we have to do!
(The Beds stop for a second, and much whispering can be heard. They then start repeating the words "Shut up")
Shinji: I don't know why this was made to seem so deadly...(Shinji begins walking across beds)
(Beds start firing their beautiful Serta spring loaded mattresses at Shinji)
Asuka: (flinches and looks away as Shinji is mangled by mattresses) Ooooh, that's gotta hurt.
Shinji: Asuka! Help! They're shooting quarters and Viagra at me! (Looks around, begins confiscating Viagra and quarters)
Asuka: Hold on, Shinji! (Thinks) Uhh, what to do, what to do...(sees power strip with several plugs in it) Oh jeez... (Asuka unplugs the power strip, beds stop)
Shinji: ALRIGHT! How'd you do it? Did you pull a blitzkreig? Did you summon Hitler from the dead to help you, your Germanness?
Asuka: (holds up power strip)
Shinji: Oh...well...uhh...HEY, I GOT SOME VIAGRA!
Asuka: WHAT!
Shinji: I...I mean...quarters...y-yeah...I don't have erectile dysfunction...
The duo has made it through the deadly Canyon of l337, only to end up where they began! Is this a cruel joke, or...well actually we're pretty sure its a cruel joke!
Shinji: Well, on the bright side, there's the Great Seer's. (points to a small hut with huge neon arrows pointing to it. An equally large sign that says "Great Seer Here!" is on top of the hut)
Asuka: This is just mind boggling.
Writer: (desperately trying to cover plot holes with D&D/Everquest/Anime nerds. Looks at camera) What? (pauses) I'm working out! (silence) WELL, I'd like to see YOU move 300 pounds!
Shinji: Doesn't matter. I'm up for some gambling!
What wisdom will the Great Seer impart on Shinji? Will Asuka win big at the roulette? (Asuka: ITS NOT A CASINO!) Will the Jesus Posters be able to beat the Evas at cards with their dwindling numbers? Will Danny EVER fit in?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME!
...if there is a next time.
Oh, and for posterity's sake...
Jesus Poster #7: The meaning of life is---(Jesus Poster is sucked into a plot hole)
(The Writer dedicates this chapter to his die-hard fans. You know who you are, and you all ROCK!)