After the End of Evangelion by DeusBlack
Writer's Note: Being so dissapointed and depressed by "End of Evangelion", I decided to put a humorous twist on the whole darn thing, and find out what everyone's itchin' to know: What happened AFTER the "End of Evangelion"? Redundant? Yes. Funny? Maybe. Am I a jackass? You decide. This takes place after "End Of Evangelion", if you couldn't already tell. The setting is the desolate and barren wasteland, which is supposed to be the World Reborn. The last two humans alive are Asuka Langley Soryu and Shinji Ikari, and they are meant to be the new Adam and Eve. They are meant to re- create civilization, by, well, y'know...doing the thing. Y'know...THE thing. So this is where our [romantic?] comedy of errors begins. For those of you who haven't seen the series, see it. I'll try to keep the inside jokes to a minimum. Being my first fanfic on this thing, I hope you don't bash it too badly.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, Gainix does. End of story.
P.S. You'll notice I make Shinji stupid. This is simply because I hate Shinji. I find him an annoying, whiney bum who doesn't know how good he has it. He works with several incredibly hot women (okay, one's an enigmatic insensate, so nothing can be done there), and gets to pilot a giant biomechanical robot. He also wasted my time by running away during the first few episodes. To sum it all up, don't hate 'cause I hate Shinji.
I hate you, Shinjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
P.P.S. If I make fun of your religion in any way, shape, or form, please know its only in good fun. I'm just poking fun at the blatent religious symbolism in Evangelion, not at the religion itself. But if it does offend you, I apologise in advance. Don't hurt me.
(The camera pans in on two figures sitting on a desolate beach-like landscape, the ocean in front of them is blood red, and strange monoliths are all around them. We now see that the two figures are Asuka and Shinji. Just so ya know, Asuka is wearing her Red Eva suit, and Shinji is in a white dress shirt, slacks, and sneakers. They are sitting on the beach, Asuka looking extremely irked, and Shinji looking confused as anything.)
Part 1- You know when you said you wouldn't sleep with that guy if he was the last one on Earth? Bet you never saw THIS coming...
Shinji: So...
Asuka: No.
Shinji: What do you mean "no"?
Asuka: Just no. It needs no explaination.
Shinji: But I haven't even said anything!
Asuka: Yes you did. You said "so".
Shinji: Yeah, but I didn't say what I was going to say AFTER so.
Asuka: It doesn't matter. Its not important.
Shinji: Well, I think it is.
Asuka: Yeah. You ALSO think that crappy music you listen to is important. You think locking yourself your room and moping about how you have no friends is going to make people like you. Great logic there. Real smart.
Shinji: ...
Asuka: Better.
Shinji: (waits five minutes, then speaks) Sooooooo...
Asuka: What did I just say? Are you thick headed or something?
Shinji: Are YOU thick headed?
Asuka: You just responded to my question with another question.
Shinji: I know. Brilliant ploy, isn't it?
Asuka: ...You ARE an idiot.
Shinji: Wha--but--hey! That's not fair!
Asuka: Well, what a brilliant deduction, Watson! What about this situation do you think is fair? (stands up, yelling now) We're the last two people on Earth, who just so happen to be male and female, and we're surrounded by religious symbolism and a bunch of vibrating beds!
(camera pans out to see many heart shaped beds with coin depositers on them that say "25 cents", and several crosses, and pictures of Jesus.)
Shinji: Where did THOSE come from?
Asuka: Damned if I know.
Shinji: And why the hell is that cheesy porno music playing? (cheesy porno music is playing in background)
Asuka: Oh, I must have left the radio on the Motown station. (pulls out radio, and turns it off)
Shinji: WHY is there still a radio station working if everything is destroyed?
Asuka: I dunno. For some reason, its the only thing that comes in.
God: (laughs evily)
(Shinji and Asuka sit down)
Shinji: Man, I'm hungry. (looks over by blood red water) Do you think this is cranberry juice?
Asuka: Yes, and the skies are made of blueberries, Shinji! Ooh, and those nuclear reactor cores that glow green? They're a strange blend of kiwis and avocados!
Shinji: YUM! I'm gonna go find me some reactor core! (begins to run off)
Asuka: HEY! (rans off after him) Stupid fool, I was joking!
Shinji: (stops) Aw.
Asuka: (looks down and rubs left arm) Shinji...you know what we have to do...right?
Shinji: Well, if I have it down right, humanity is gone...which means...
Asuka: Yeah...
Shinji: THEY'RE HIDING UNDERGROUND!
Asuka: ...What did you just say?
Shinji: Yeah! 'Cause the surface has been taken over by evil robots bent on destroying mankind, and its up to a few renegade humans to stop it. And they have this city, right? Its near the Earth's CORE, and that's how they get energy, 'cause they messed up the sky trying to kill the evil robots...
Asuka: I'd kill you if our race didn't depend on us.
Shinji: (still rambling) ...and there's this guy, right? And he's called "The One", and he can do all this shit that no one else trapped in this evil computer program can. And it turns out that this evil program simulation thing is what's keeping all the human people captive...OHMYGOD, ASUKA! We have to destroy the Matrix!
Asuka: (makes like she's going to strangle Shinji, but instead, throws him into the blood red water. Then continues walking.)
Shinji: What was that for? I figured it out! (sips water) This doesn't taste like cranberry juice...(runs after Asuka)
Asuka: Glad to see your body isn't as lame as your mind.
Shinji: Are you saying I'm stupid?
Asuka: That's kinda what I've BEEN saying for...oh...what...the past 15 or so minutes, so I dunno...it MIGHT be...
Shinji: Well, how good of a chance is it that you are saying I'm stupid?
Asuka: Oh, I'd say a good 100 percent.
Shinji: Hmmm, I dunno... If it was 101 percent, I'd know for SURE...drat...
Asuka: (clutches head and screams) HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO DENSE?! HOW?!
Shinji: Do you mean stupid dense or "mass over volume" dense?
Asuka: Shut up. Please. Please shut up. I'm slowing losing brain cells.
Shinji: You can COUNT those?!
Asuka: (gives Shinji the evil eye, says angrily) I told you...
Shinji: Shutting up.
Asuka: (sighs and sits down, head in her hands)
Shinji: (sits down next to Asuka, and since he is not insensitive, places a hand on her sholder) What's wrong?
Asuka: What's wrong? (looks at Shinji intensely) I'll tell you what's wrong. We're the only two people alive, and now these stupid beds won't shut up. (The heart shaped beds from before are now saying the word "Sex" over and over again)
Shinji: Why are they saying that? (Shinji walks off towards the beds, out of our view)
Asuka: (sighs, and crosses arms, resting her chin on them. A jolting sound is heard, and
Shinji comes back. The beds have stopped.) Huh? How?
Shinji: Oh, I unplugged them. (holds up cord)
Asuka: HOW is there electricity if everything is destroyed? Furthermore, where the hell did an outlet come from?
God: (laughs evily again)
Shinji: Oh, EVERYTHING is destroyed?
Asuka: Yes, Shinji. Everything.
Shinji: Then I know what we're here for!
Asuka: (excited) YOU DO?
Shinji: WE HAVE TO BUILD HOUSES!
Asuka: ...Ohhhhh, I'll KILL you.
Shinji: THAT way, everyone will come back!
Asuka: Come back from where, Shinji? Invisible Land, the place where no one can be seen?
Shinji: THERE'S A PLACE LIKE THAT?! Cooooooooool!
Asuka: Oh, that hurts, Shinji. Like a razor blade to the brain. You're cutting it to pieces.
Shinji: Er...well...sorry.
Asuka: You BETTER be.
(several minutes pass in silence)
Shinji: Soooo...when are we gonna start building houses?
Asuka: We're not building houses. That won't bring civilization back.
Shinji: Yeah, you're probably right...(looks back and forth) I'm gonna go play with that poster of Jesus.
Asuka: Say WHAT? (Shinji has run off and over to a lage monolith sticking out of the ground, that has a poster of Jesus hanging on it.)
Shinji: Yo Jesus.
Jesus Poster: Yo.
Shinji: (doesn't look stupefied in the least, even though a poster of Jesus Christ is talking to him) I've never had a conversation with a poster before. Or Jesus. Or a poster of Jesus.
Jesus Poster: There's a first time for everything.
Shinji: So...how's it been hangin'?
Jesus Poster: ...
Shinji: No pun intended, I swear.
Jesus Poster: Its been okay. I really don't know why I'm stuck here on this wall, but, y'know, whatever.
Shinji: Yeah, I don't know why I'm here either. I've been trying to figure it out, but Asuka just yells at me, so maybe I'll stop.
Jesus Poster: Man, don't stop, no matter what anyone tells you! I mean, look at me! I didn't stop preaching and here I am!
Shinji: But...you were crucified.
Jesus Poster: The word is "marytr", dude. Get with the New Age picture. Don't be a square, n'shit.
Shinji: So...what IS the meaning of life?
Jesus Poster: The meaning of life is--(Jesus Poster combusts, and ashes float away)
Shinji: Dammit.
(Shinji walks back to Asuka, who is drawing things in the sand)
Asuka: So, you have a nice time talking to the son of God? Or a poster of the son of God?
Shinji: It was okay, but he had to leave early...are you sure this isn't some really bad acid trip?
Asuka: No, if it was, I'd be trying to eat the maggots that would be crawling on your flesh.
Shinji: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! MAGGOTS! (leaps and starts running around) WHERE?! WHERE?! GET 'EM OFF, GET 'EM OFF!
Asuka: (sticks foot out and trips Shinji)
Shinji: (Falls on his bum) Ow. I'm still hungry. What are we gonna do for food?
Asuka: I dunno. We better find something.
Shinji: Do you think the underground people will have food?
Asuka: There are NO underground people. How many times do I have to tell you?
Shinji: I dunno. LET'S KEEP TRACK!
Asuka: No.
Shinji: Okay. "Beware of Falling Toasters"
Asuka: What nonsense are you talking about now?
Shinji: (Shinji points to a sign that says "Beware of Falling Toasters)
Asuka: What the devil? (a metallic Toaster falls from the sky and lands next to Asuka)
Shinji: You're SURE this isn't an acid trip?
Asuka: I'm SURE.
Shinji: You're SU--
Asuka: I'M SURE!
Shinji: Ooooooooooookay. Its just when I see falling toasters...
Asuka: I get the point.
Shinji: Right-o.
Asuka: I say we go to the valley to the right.
Shinji: Why's that?
Asuka: Its called the Valley of Food. (points to a sign that says "Valley of Food")
Shinji: WAIT! It might be dangerous!
Asuka: Why do you think that?
Shinji: Food spelled backwards is Doof!
Asuka: ...And that means danger?
Shinji: It ALMOST spells DOOM! (dramatic music plays)
Asuka: (looks at Shinji and shakes her head)
Shinji: ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST... (keeps repeating the word almost. The beds now start saying "almost" along with him)
Asuka: (grabs Shinji by the scruff of his shirt and drags him along.)
Shinji: Hey, look, another Jesus Poster!
Jesus Poster #2: Yo.
Shinji: What's up, J-dawg?
Asuka: Pay no attention to my companion. He's mentally challenged.
Jesus Poster #2: You mean he's stupid?
Asuka: Yeah, but I made it sound nice.
Jesus Poster #2: Ah.
Shinji: Hey, Jesus! What's the meaning of life?
Jesus Poster #2: The meaning of life is--(Poster explodes)
Shinji: Crap.
Asuka: Lovely. Right when I was about to ask him if it was safe or not. Perfect. Nice job, Shinji.
Shinji: Thanks! I couldn't have done it without my mom, and my dad, and the studio. I just love you guys so much.
Asuka: What?
Shinji: Oh...I'm not getting an award?
Asuka: Actually, Shinji, you are. Its the dumbass award! Itsn't that great? Would you like to say a few words to your adoring fans?
Shinji: (picks up a toaster, holding it like a trophy) Well, I'd like to say....heyyyyyy...you're being sarcastic, aren't you?
Asuka: You got me there. Caught me. I don't know HOW you could have done it.
(They continue walking on, in the Valley of Food, and they have still not found anything. Shinji is prancing around, looking for more Jesus Posters and throwing toasters up into the air. Asuka is looking very angry and depressed. I mean, why wouldn't she be? She's trapped here, and its getting weird. I think I'll sleep on it, and come back later.)
Shinji: This is great! We've been walking around forever, and I haven't seen a single reactor core. All I see are these weird circle-y things with holes in them.
Asuka: Those are bagels.
Shinji: Bah...hage...gals? What are these bah-hage-gals you speak of?
Asuka: They're basically bread. In a circle. With stuff on 'em. And they're Jewish.
Shinji: Ewww, I'm not eating them.
Asuka: Why not?
Shinji: Because...uh..umm...(frantically looks for "good" reason not to eat bagel) Because they're Jewish.
Asuka: Are you some kinda anti-semite?
Shinji: What's an anti-sea mite? Is that like the arch enemy of the rare and beautiful sea mite? Because if it is, then I don't think I'm a sea mite.
Asuka: NO! Anti-Semite!
Shinji: Anti-semen?
Asuka: Anti-SEMITE!!
Shinji: Auntie Seamstress?
Asuka: I give up.
Shinji: If you're throwing in the towel, give it to me. I could use it.
Asuka: I don't have a freaking towel, Shinji.
Shinji: Aw...HEY! Another Jesus Poster!
Asuka: Huh? Where?
Jesus Poster #3: (nailed to nearby wall of debris) Yo, my childs. What be poppin'?
Shinji: Sup, J-unit.
Asuka: "J-unit"?
Shinji: You're not down with it, Asuka. Let the homies talk, okay?
Asuka: Ohh, I'll get you later. (walks off, looking for food)
Shinji: So...Jesus...been nailed recently?
Jesus Poster #3: ...
Shinji: No pun intended, I swear.
Jesus Poster #3: Yeah, that's what you said to number 1. Don't you stab me in the back now. I'll shank you, I swear. (Jesus Poster #3 pulls out shank. It is made out of a piece of the cross, and a rusty nail.)
Shinji: I wasn't trying to backstab you, J-dawg!
Jesus Poster #3: Watch out. This thing hurts. BELIEVE ME, I know.
Shinji: Okay, I get it. But, y'know, my ho wants to know something.
Asuka: (screams) What did you call me?
Shinji: Nothing!
Asuka: I'm coming down there!
Shinji: Crap. Oh, Funkmaster J, I've got to ask you one question!
Jesus Poster #3: What's that?
Shinji: What's the meaning of life?
Asuka: (in slo-mo) NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jesus Poster #3: Well, the meaning of life is--(ground opens up and swallows Jesus Poster #3)
Shinji: WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN?!
God: (chuckles manically)
Asuka: Oooh, I'll KILL you. Just you wait. After we're done here, you're dead.
Shinji: What did I do? I JUST wanted to know the meaning of life...jeez...its like I was asking the IMPOSSIBLE or something...
(They continue on until they exit the valley. Asuka has collected an abundance of food, while Shinji is still throwing toasters around and complaining about stuff)
Shinji: ...And that's why Jewish people are so evil.
Asuka: You just rambled on for a good twenty minutes about how bad Hitler was, how cool Isreali people are, and how much your athlete's foot is bothering you.
Shinji: Yeah...and that's why Jewish people are so evil. They MADE me do that!
Asuka: Oh. Hmm. I see. Did the devil make you sell your soul too?
Shinji: I did that along time ago!
Asuka: What did you sell it for?
Shinji: You GET something from selling your soul?!
Asuka: You ARE an idiot.
Shinji: You're only saying that 'cause...'cause you...you have...urg...urg...gff...(collapses, foaming at the mouth)
Asuka: Aw, poor thing overloaded his small brain. (Bends over Shinji) You okay?
Shinji: I think so. But we won't be in a second. (Stands up)
Asuka: Why not? (Turns around, sees giant chicken) Holy...
Shinji: That's FOWL, yo.
Asuka: ...
Giant Chicken: ...
Shinji: No pun intended, I SWEAR.
Asuka: Where the hell did a giant chicken come from?!
Giant Chicken: Oh, its quite simple really.
Asuka: Furthermore, how can a giant chicken speak?
Giant Chicken: Well, they didn't kill all animals, heaven's no. Only the humans.
Asuka: But how can you talk?
Giant Chicken: Oh, that? I have a cold.
Asuka: A cold makes chickens talk?
Giant Chicken: Buck ba-CAW!
Shinji: (whipsers to Asuka) He says he's gotten better.
Asuka: Thank you, Shinji, for sharing that tidbit of information.
Giant Chicken: (takes a couple of steps foward, gets crushed by giant falling toaster)
Shinji: ...You're STILL sure this isn't an acid tri--
Asuka: YES!
Shinji: Oooooookay...you're the boss.
Asuka: I have a NAME.
Shinji: You DO?! That's so cool! I have a name too! Wow, what a coincidence!
Asuka: Are you being sarcastic?
Shinji: What's scartastic?
Asuka: Sarca...nevermind.
Shinji: SARS Caster? (Asuka begins walking again) Semantics?
Asuka: Let me get this straight...you've been battling giant creatures with me, and sleeping no more than one room away from me. You've been yelled at by me, witnessed the end of the WORLD with me, and now have to recreate the human race with me and you don't even know my name?!
Shinji: Oh...uh...of course I know...its...uh...um...Larry?
Asuka: Do I look like a guy to you?
Shinji: (says slyly, making grabbing motions with his hands) I dunno, you think I can check?
Asuka: Ugh, please...
Shinji: OKAY!
Asuka: AHH! NO, I MEANT THE "GIVE ME A BREAK" PLEASE!
Shinji: Aw. (hands are still making grabbing motions, Shinji looks back and forth, then grabs nearby statue of the Virgin Mary) Ahhh, better.
Jesus Poster #4: YO, BITCH! THAT'S MY MAMA YO GRABBIN'!
Shinji: (turns around) Oh no.
Jesus Poster #4: I'M GONNA KILL YOU NOW! (takes out Cross Shank and begins floating on air towards Shinji)
Shinji: AHHHH, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?!
Jesus Poster #4: THE MEANING OF LIFE IS--(Jesus Poster is swept up in a tornado and is torn apart)
Shinji: Disaster averted! (Statue of Virgin Mary slaps Shinji, walks off) Ow. Damn religious symbolism.
Asuka: What are you doing grabbing the Virgin Mary?
Shinji: Why, you JEALOUS?
Asuka: ...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Shinji: What are you laughing at?
Asuka: Ahh, nothing, Shinji. ABSOLUTELY nothing.
Shinji: (flustered) That...that's what I thought. Yeah. That's right. I'm the man. Uh-huh.
Asuka: You still don't know my name.
Shinji: Uh..um...its...uh...gimme a clue.
Asuka: A clue?
Shinji: Yeah, to help me remember.
Asuka: Remember. Right. Okay. It starts with "A".
Shinji: Aaaaaaaaasausage.
Asuka: You honestly think my mother would have named me "Asausage"? Okay, given she was insane and always talked about the pink bunny rabbits trying to kill her, she wasn't that batty.
Shinji: I BELIEVE that's an understatement.
Asuka: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
Giant Rooster: Actually, it is. BU-CAW! (Giant Rooster commits ritual suicide, Shinji and Asuka look at each other in silence, then continue)
Asuka: My name is Asuka, Shinji. Don't forget it.
Shinji: A saki?
Asuka: Oh good lord.
Shinji: Ass-ook-ahh. Okay, I got it.
Asuka: Did you have to stress the "ass" part?
Shinji: (looks over) Yeah, 'cause its nice.
Asuka: Yes, I kno...heyyyyyy, I never gave you permission to check out my exquisite features!
Shinji: Its kinda hard NOT to see them with that skin tight suit on...*coughcough*whore*coughcough*
Asuka: WHAT did you call me?
Shinji: (whispers) I called you...(screams) WHORE!
Asuka: (fists Shinji in the face, sending him into the red water again)
Shinji: Scream THEN whipser, Shinji! (Asuka beings to walk off, obviously irked) Hey, wait up Asscrack! Um, Assooki? Assookcaca? (Asuka throws a brick) Aw, shit. I think I should move out of the way.
Shinji's Brain: You sure? Its a gamble. And moving is SUCH a tiring affair.
Shinji: You're absolutely right. I should just stay put and let the brick hit me! What would I do without yo--(gets hit in the face with brick)
Shinji's Brain: Ahahaha...what an idiot. I'm in great pain.
Asuka: Stupid Shinji and his stupid self...I wish he'd drop dead. There's no way I'm sleeping with HIM, even if its to save the human race. Pfft.
Jesus Poster #5: Yo, my child.
Asuka: Hey Jesus.
Jesus Poster #5: Wassap?
Asuka: Well, Jesus, there's this guy, and I have to sleep with him to save the human race. I really don't like him, and he's kinda stupid. What should I do?
Jesus Poster #5: ...Um...uhh...GOTTAGOBYE! (Jesus Poster #5 crumples itself up, and burns)
Asuka: YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS WHY I'M AN ATHEIST! (Shinji is still screwing up Asuka's name)
Asuka: Okay, if he can get my name right, I'll go back to him.
MANY HOURS LATER
Shinji: Assmonkey! Uhrm...Assoup! Uh...um...
Shinji's Brain: OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ITS ASUKA!
Shinji: Oh! Why didn't you say so?
Shinji's Brain: I was telling you ALL this time, but you HAD to be focusing on the word ASS. Do you know what happens when you say that word?
Shinji: Uhhhh...ooh, I know! I feel good in my pants!
Shinji's Brain: ...She was RIGHT, you ARE an idiot.
Shinji: Its YOUR fault! You're my brain!
Shinji's Brain: Excuses, excuses! I'm gonna go watch "South Park"
Shinji: HEY, WAIT! DON'T GO! I WANNA BE SMART! I WANNA BE---Hehehehehe, not fat...just big boned...hehehe...
Asuka: (moping) Stupid Shinji.
Shinji: Okay, I've got it now! I swear!
Asuka: (to self) Yeah right, probably say Assface or something. Just watch. If he gets it, I'll kiss him.
Shinji: Come back Asuka, I miss youuuuuuuu!
Asuka: Oh so NOW he gets it. (Asuka comes down to Shinji)
Shinji: Hey there!
Asuka: Now, for the last time, what's my name?
Shinji: Uhh...Asuka.
Asuka: (pulls him closer to her) Again.
Shinji: (sweating) Asuka.
Asuka: (pulls him very close, and wraps arms around him) One more time.
Shinji: (sweating profusely) Uh...um...er...uah...As...uk...a...grrk! (begins convusling at the mouth and seizing violently on the floor)
Asuka: TOLD you I'd get you back.
Shinji: (still seizing and foaming at mouth) D...damn...t...tease...vrrrrrrrrr...!
Our heros seem to be getting nowhere fast in this strange new world. What will happen next episode? Will Asuka ever get through Shinji's thick skull? Will Shinji ever reclaim his brain from the evils of Prime Time Television? Will the Giant Chicken ever return? Will Jesus stop using ebonics? WILL YOU KEEP READING?
Find out next time!
Writer's Note: Being so dissapointed and depressed by "End of Evangelion", I decided to put a humorous twist on the whole darn thing, and find out what everyone's itchin' to know: What happened AFTER the "End of Evangelion"? Redundant? Yes. Funny? Maybe. Am I a jackass? You decide. This takes place after "End Of Evangelion", if you couldn't already tell. The setting is the desolate and barren wasteland, which is supposed to be the World Reborn. The last two humans alive are Asuka Langley Soryu and Shinji Ikari, and they are meant to be the new Adam and Eve. They are meant to re- create civilization, by, well, y'know...doing the thing. Y'know...THE thing. So this is where our [romantic?] comedy of errors begins. For those of you who haven't seen the series, see it. I'll try to keep the inside jokes to a minimum. Being my first fanfic on this thing, I hope you don't bash it too badly.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, Gainix does. End of story.
P.S. You'll notice I make Shinji stupid. This is simply because I hate Shinji. I find him an annoying, whiney bum who doesn't know how good he has it. He works with several incredibly hot women (okay, one's an enigmatic insensate, so nothing can be done there), and gets to pilot a giant biomechanical robot. He also wasted my time by running away during the first few episodes. To sum it all up, don't hate 'cause I hate Shinji.
I hate you, Shinjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
P.P.S. If I make fun of your religion in any way, shape, or form, please know its only in good fun. I'm just poking fun at the blatent religious symbolism in Evangelion, not at the religion itself. But if it does offend you, I apologise in advance. Don't hurt me.
(The camera pans in on two figures sitting on a desolate beach-like landscape, the ocean in front of them is blood red, and strange monoliths are all around them. We now see that the two figures are Asuka and Shinji. Just so ya know, Asuka is wearing her Red Eva suit, and Shinji is in a white dress shirt, slacks, and sneakers. They are sitting on the beach, Asuka looking extremely irked, and Shinji looking confused as anything.)
Part 1- You know when you said you wouldn't sleep with that guy if he was the last one on Earth? Bet you never saw THIS coming...
Shinji: So...
Asuka: No.
Shinji: What do you mean "no"?
Asuka: Just no. It needs no explaination.
Shinji: But I haven't even said anything!
Asuka: Yes you did. You said "so".
Shinji: Yeah, but I didn't say what I was going to say AFTER so.
Asuka: It doesn't matter. Its not important.
Shinji: Well, I think it is.
Asuka: Yeah. You ALSO think that crappy music you listen to is important. You think locking yourself your room and moping about how you have no friends is going to make people like you. Great logic there. Real smart.
Shinji: ...
Asuka: Better.
Shinji: (waits five minutes, then speaks) Sooooooo...
Asuka: What did I just say? Are you thick headed or something?
Shinji: Are YOU thick headed?
Asuka: You just responded to my question with another question.
Shinji: I know. Brilliant ploy, isn't it?
Asuka: ...You ARE an idiot.
Shinji: Wha--but--hey! That's not fair!
Asuka: Well, what a brilliant deduction, Watson! What about this situation do you think is fair? (stands up, yelling now) We're the last two people on Earth, who just so happen to be male and female, and we're surrounded by religious symbolism and a bunch of vibrating beds!
(camera pans out to see many heart shaped beds with coin depositers on them that say "25 cents", and several crosses, and pictures of Jesus.)
Shinji: Where did THOSE come from?
Asuka: Damned if I know.
Shinji: And why the hell is that cheesy porno music playing? (cheesy porno music is playing in background)
Asuka: Oh, I must have left the radio on the Motown station. (pulls out radio, and turns it off)
Shinji: WHY is there still a radio station working if everything is destroyed?
Asuka: I dunno. For some reason, its the only thing that comes in.
God: (laughs evily)
(Shinji and Asuka sit down)
Shinji: Man, I'm hungry. (looks over by blood red water) Do you think this is cranberry juice?
Asuka: Yes, and the skies are made of blueberries, Shinji! Ooh, and those nuclear reactor cores that glow green? They're a strange blend of kiwis and avocados!
Shinji: YUM! I'm gonna go find me some reactor core! (begins to run off)
Asuka: HEY! (rans off after him) Stupid fool, I was joking!
Shinji: (stops) Aw.
Asuka: (looks down and rubs left arm) Shinji...you know what we have to do...right?
Shinji: Well, if I have it down right, humanity is gone...which means...
Asuka: Yeah...
Shinji: THEY'RE HIDING UNDERGROUND!
Asuka: ...What did you just say?
Shinji: Yeah! 'Cause the surface has been taken over by evil robots bent on destroying mankind, and its up to a few renegade humans to stop it. And they have this city, right? Its near the Earth's CORE, and that's how they get energy, 'cause they messed up the sky trying to kill the evil robots...
Asuka: I'd kill you if our race didn't depend on us.
Shinji: (still rambling) ...and there's this guy, right? And he's called "The One", and he can do all this shit that no one else trapped in this evil computer program can. And it turns out that this evil program simulation thing is what's keeping all the human people captive...OHMYGOD, ASUKA! We have to destroy the Matrix!
Asuka: (makes like she's going to strangle Shinji, but instead, throws him into the blood red water. Then continues walking.)
Shinji: What was that for? I figured it out! (sips water) This doesn't taste like cranberry juice...(runs after Asuka)
Asuka: Glad to see your body isn't as lame as your mind.
Shinji: Are you saying I'm stupid?
Asuka: That's kinda what I've BEEN saying for...oh...what...the past 15 or so minutes, so I dunno...it MIGHT be...
Shinji: Well, how good of a chance is it that you are saying I'm stupid?
Asuka: Oh, I'd say a good 100 percent.
Shinji: Hmmm, I dunno... If it was 101 percent, I'd know for SURE...drat...
Asuka: (clutches head and screams) HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO DENSE?! HOW?!
Shinji: Do you mean stupid dense or "mass over volume" dense?
Asuka: Shut up. Please. Please shut up. I'm slowing losing brain cells.
Shinji: You can COUNT those?!
Asuka: (gives Shinji the evil eye, says angrily) I told you...
Shinji: Shutting up.
Asuka: (sighs and sits down, head in her hands)
Shinji: (sits down next to Asuka, and since he is not insensitive, places a hand on her sholder) What's wrong?
Asuka: What's wrong? (looks at Shinji intensely) I'll tell you what's wrong. We're the only two people alive, and now these stupid beds won't shut up. (The heart shaped beds from before are now saying the word "Sex" over and over again)
Shinji: Why are they saying that? (Shinji walks off towards the beds, out of our view)
Asuka: (sighs, and crosses arms, resting her chin on them. A jolting sound is heard, and
Shinji comes back. The beds have stopped.) Huh? How?
Shinji: Oh, I unplugged them. (holds up cord)
Asuka: HOW is there electricity if everything is destroyed? Furthermore, where the hell did an outlet come from?
God: (laughs evily again)
Shinji: Oh, EVERYTHING is destroyed?
Asuka: Yes, Shinji. Everything.
Shinji: Then I know what we're here for!
Asuka: (excited) YOU DO?
Shinji: WE HAVE TO BUILD HOUSES!
Asuka: ...Ohhhhh, I'll KILL you.
Shinji: THAT way, everyone will come back!
Asuka: Come back from where, Shinji? Invisible Land, the place where no one can be seen?
Shinji: THERE'S A PLACE LIKE THAT?! Cooooooooool!
Asuka: Oh, that hurts, Shinji. Like a razor blade to the brain. You're cutting it to pieces.
Shinji: Er...well...sorry.
Asuka: You BETTER be.
(several minutes pass in silence)
Shinji: Soooo...when are we gonna start building houses?
Asuka: We're not building houses. That won't bring civilization back.
Shinji: Yeah, you're probably right...(looks back and forth) I'm gonna go play with that poster of Jesus.
Asuka: Say WHAT? (Shinji has run off and over to a lage monolith sticking out of the ground, that has a poster of Jesus hanging on it.)
Shinji: Yo Jesus.
Jesus Poster: Yo.
Shinji: (doesn't look stupefied in the least, even though a poster of Jesus Christ is talking to him) I've never had a conversation with a poster before. Or Jesus. Or a poster of Jesus.
Jesus Poster: There's a first time for everything.
Shinji: So...how's it been hangin'?
Jesus Poster: ...
Shinji: No pun intended, I swear.
Jesus Poster: Its been okay. I really don't know why I'm stuck here on this wall, but, y'know, whatever.
Shinji: Yeah, I don't know why I'm here either. I've been trying to figure it out, but Asuka just yells at me, so maybe I'll stop.
Jesus Poster: Man, don't stop, no matter what anyone tells you! I mean, look at me! I didn't stop preaching and here I am!
Shinji: But...you were crucified.
Jesus Poster: The word is "marytr", dude. Get with the New Age picture. Don't be a square, n'shit.
Shinji: So...what IS the meaning of life?
Jesus Poster: The meaning of life is--(Jesus Poster combusts, and ashes float away)
Shinji: Dammit.
(Shinji walks back to Asuka, who is drawing things in the sand)
Asuka: So, you have a nice time talking to the son of God? Or a poster of the son of God?
Shinji: It was okay, but he had to leave early...are you sure this isn't some really bad acid trip?
Asuka: No, if it was, I'd be trying to eat the maggots that would be crawling on your flesh.
Shinji: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! MAGGOTS! (leaps and starts running around) WHERE?! WHERE?! GET 'EM OFF, GET 'EM OFF!
Asuka: (sticks foot out and trips Shinji)
Shinji: (Falls on his bum) Ow. I'm still hungry. What are we gonna do for food?
Asuka: I dunno. We better find something.
Shinji: Do you think the underground people will have food?
Asuka: There are NO underground people. How many times do I have to tell you?
Shinji: I dunno. LET'S KEEP TRACK!
Asuka: No.
Shinji: Okay. "Beware of Falling Toasters"
Asuka: What nonsense are you talking about now?
Shinji: (Shinji points to a sign that says "Beware of Falling Toasters)
Asuka: What the devil? (a metallic Toaster falls from the sky and lands next to Asuka)
Shinji: You're SURE this isn't an acid trip?
Asuka: I'm SURE.
Shinji: You're SU--
Asuka: I'M SURE!
Shinji: Ooooooooooookay. Its just when I see falling toasters...
Asuka: I get the point.
Shinji: Right-o.
Asuka: I say we go to the valley to the right.
Shinji: Why's that?
Asuka: Its called the Valley of Food. (points to a sign that says "Valley of Food")
Shinji: WAIT! It might be dangerous!
Asuka: Why do you think that?
Shinji: Food spelled backwards is Doof!
Asuka: ...And that means danger?
Shinji: It ALMOST spells DOOM! (dramatic music plays)
Asuka: (looks at Shinji and shakes her head)
Shinji: ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST... (keeps repeating the word almost. The beds now start saying "almost" along with him)
Asuka: (grabs Shinji by the scruff of his shirt and drags him along.)
Shinji: Hey, look, another Jesus Poster!
Jesus Poster #2: Yo.
Shinji: What's up, J-dawg?
Asuka: Pay no attention to my companion. He's mentally challenged.
Jesus Poster #2: You mean he's stupid?
Asuka: Yeah, but I made it sound nice.
Jesus Poster #2: Ah.
Shinji: Hey, Jesus! What's the meaning of life?
Jesus Poster #2: The meaning of life is--(Poster explodes)
Shinji: Crap.
Asuka: Lovely. Right when I was about to ask him if it was safe or not. Perfect. Nice job, Shinji.
Shinji: Thanks! I couldn't have done it without my mom, and my dad, and the studio. I just love you guys so much.
Asuka: What?
Shinji: Oh...I'm not getting an award?
Asuka: Actually, Shinji, you are. Its the dumbass award! Itsn't that great? Would you like to say a few words to your adoring fans?
Shinji: (picks up a toaster, holding it like a trophy) Well, I'd like to say....heyyyyyy...you're being sarcastic, aren't you?
Asuka: You got me there. Caught me. I don't know HOW you could have done it.
(They continue walking on, in the Valley of Food, and they have still not found anything. Shinji is prancing around, looking for more Jesus Posters and throwing toasters up into the air. Asuka is looking very angry and depressed. I mean, why wouldn't she be? She's trapped here, and its getting weird. I think I'll sleep on it, and come back later.)
Shinji: This is great! We've been walking around forever, and I haven't seen a single reactor core. All I see are these weird circle-y things with holes in them.
Asuka: Those are bagels.
Shinji: Bah...hage...gals? What are these bah-hage-gals you speak of?
Asuka: They're basically bread. In a circle. With stuff on 'em. And they're Jewish.
Shinji: Ewww, I'm not eating them.
Asuka: Why not?
Shinji: Because...uh..umm...(frantically looks for "good" reason not to eat bagel) Because they're Jewish.
Asuka: Are you some kinda anti-semite?
Shinji: What's an anti-sea mite? Is that like the arch enemy of the rare and beautiful sea mite? Because if it is, then I don't think I'm a sea mite.
Asuka: NO! Anti-Semite!
Shinji: Anti-semen?
Asuka: Anti-SEMITE!!
Shinji: Auntie Seamstress?
Asuka: I give up.
Shinji: If you're throwing in the towel, give it to me. I could use it.
Asuka: I don't have a freaking towel, Shinji.
Shinji: Aw...HEY! Another Jesus Poster!
Asuka: Huh? Where?
Jesus Poster #3: (nailed to nearby wall of debris) Yo, my childs. What be poppin'?
Shinji: Sup, J-unit.
Asuka: "J-unit"?
Shinji: You're not down with it, Asuka. Let the homies talk, okay?
Asuka: Ohh, I'll get you later. (walks off, looking for food)
Shinji: So...Jesus...been nailed recently?
Jesus Poster #3: ...
Shinji: No pun intended, I swear.
Jesus Poster #3: Yeah, that's what you said to number 1. Don't you stab me in the back now. I'll shank you, I swear. (Jesus Poster #3 pulls out shank. It is made out of a piece of the cross, and a rusty nail.)
Shinji: I wasn't trying to backstab you, J-dawg!
Jesus Poster #3: Watch out. This thing hurts. BELIEVE ME, I know.
Shinji: Okay, I get it. But, y'know, my ho wants to know something.
Asuka: (screams) What did you call me?
Shinji: Nothing!
Asuka: I'm coming down there!
Shinji: Crap. Oh, Funkmaster J, I've got to ask you one question!
Jesus Poster #3: What's that?
Shinji: What's the meaning of life?
Asuka: (in slo-mo) NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jesus Poster #3: Well, the meaning of life is--(ground opens up and swallows Jesus Poster #3)
Shinji: WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN?!
God: (chuckles manically)
Asuka: Oooh, I'll KILL you. Just you wait. After we're done here, you're dead.
Shinji: What did I do? I JUST wanted to know the meaning of life...jeez...its like I was asking the IMPOSSIBLE or something...
(They continue on until they exit the valley. Asuka has collected an abundance of food, while Shinji is still throwing toasters around and complaining about stuff)
Shinji: ...And that's why Jewish people are so evil.
Asuka: You just rambled on for a good twenty minutes about how bad Hitler was, how cool Isreali people are, and how much your athlete's foot is bothering you.
Shinji: Yeah...and that's why Jewish people are so evil. They MADE me do that!
Asuka: Oh. Hmm. I see. Did the devil make you sell your soul too?
Shinji: I did that along time ago!
Asuka: What did you sell it for?
Shinji: You GET something from selling your soul?!
Asuka: You ARE an idiot.
Shinji: You're only saying that 'cause...'cause you...you have...urg...urg...gff...(collapses, foaming at the mouth)
Asuka: Aw, poor thing overloaded his small brain. (Bends over Shinji) You okay?
Shinji: I think so. But we won't be in a second. (Stands up)
Asuka: Why not? (Turns around, sees giant chicken) Holy...
Shinji: That's FOWL, yo.
Asuka: ...
Giant Chicken: ...
Shinji: No pun intended, I SWEAR.
Asuka: Where the hell did a giant chicken come from?!
Giant Chicken: Oh, its quite simple really.
Asuka: Furthermore, how can a giant chicken speak?
Giant Chicken: Well, they didn't kill all animals, heaven's no. Only the humans.
Asuka: But how can you talk?
Giant Chicken: Oh, that? I have a cold.
Asuka: A cold makes chickens talk?
Giant Chicken: Buck ba-CAW!
Shinji: (whipsers to Asuka) He says he's gotten better.
Asuka: Thank you, Shinji, for sharing that tidbit of information.
Giant Chicken: (takes a couple of steps foward, gets crushed by giant falling toaster)
Shinji: ...You're STILL sure this isn't an acid tri--
Asuka: YES!
Shinji: Oooooookay...you're the boss.
Asuka: I have a NAME.
Shinji: You DO?! That's so cool! I have a name too! Wow, what a coincidence!
Asuka: Are you being sarcastic?
Shinji: What's scartastic?
Asuka: Sarca...nevermind.
Shinji: SARS Caster? (Asuka begins walking again) Semantics?
Asuka: Let me get this straight...you've been battling giant creatures with me, and sleeping no more than one room away from me. You've been yelled at by me, witnessed the end of the WORLD with me, and now have to recreate the human race with me and you don't even know my name?!
Shinji: Oh...uh...of course I know...its...uh...um...Larry?
Asuka: Do I look like a guy to you?
Shinji: (says slyly, making grabbing motions with his hands) I dunno, you think I can check?
Asuka: Ugh, please...
Shinji: OKAY!
Asuka: AHH! NO, I MEANT THE "GIVE ME A BREAK" PLEASE!
Shinji: Aw. (hands are still making grabbing motions, Shinji looks back and forth, then grabs nearby statue of the Virgin Mary) Ahhh, better.
Jesus Poster #4: YO, BITCH! THAT'S MY MAMA YO GRABBIN'!
Shinji: (turns around) Oh no.
Jesus Poster #4: I'M GONNA KILL YOU NOW! (takes out Cross Shank and begins floating on air towards Shinji)
Shinji: AHHHH, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?!
Jesus Poster #4: THE MEANING OF LIFE IS--(Jesus Poster is swept up in a tornado and is torn apart)
Shinji: Disaster averted! (Statue of Virgin Mary slaps Shinji, walks off) Ow. Damn religious symbolism.
Asuka: What are you doing grabbing the Virgin Mary?
Shinji: Why, you JEALOUS?
Asuka: ...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Shinji: What are you laughing at?
Asuka: Ahh, nothing, Shinji. ABSOLUTELY nothing.
Shinji: (flustered) That...that's what I thought. Yeah. That's right. I'm the man. Uh-huh.
Asuka: You still don't know my name.
Shinji: Uh..um...its...uh...gimme a clue.
Asuka: A clue?
Shinji: Yeah, to help me remember.
Asuka: Remember. Right. Okay. It starts with "A".
Shinji: Aaaaaaaaasausage.
Asuka: You honestly think my mother would have named me "Asausage"? Okay, given she was insane and always talked about the pink bunny rabbits trying to kill her, she wasn't that batty.
Shinji: I BELIEVE that's an understatement.
Asuka: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
Giant Rooster: Actually, it is. BU-CAW! (Giant Rooster commits ritual suicide, Shinji and Asuka look at each other in silence, then continue)
Asuka: My name is Asuka, Shinji. Don't forget it.
Shinji: A saki?
Asuka: Oh good lord.
Shinji: Ass-ook-ahh. Okay, I got it.
Asuka: Did you have to stress the "ass" part?
Shinji: (looks over) Yeah, 'cause its nice.
Asuka: Yes, I kno...heyyyyyy, I never gave you permission to check out my exquisite features!
Shinji: Its kinda hard NOT to see them with that skin tight suit on...*coughcough*whore*coughcough*
Asuka: WHAT did you call me?
Shinji: (whispers) I called you...(screams) WHORE!
Asuka: (fists Shinji in the face, sending him into the red water again)
Shinji: Scream THEN whipser, Shinji! (Asuka beings to walk off, obviously irked) Hey, wait up Asscrack! Um, Assooki? Assookcaca? (Asuka throws a brick) Aw, shit. I think I should move out of the way.
Shinji's Brain: You sure? Its a gamble. And moving is SUCH a tiring affair.
Shinji: You're absolutely right. I should just stay put and let the brick hit me! What would I do without yo--(gets hit in the face with brick)
Shinji's Brain: Ahahaha...what an idiot. I'm in great pain.
Asuka: Stupid Shinji and his stupid self...I wish he'd drop dead. There's no way I'm sleeping with HIM, even if its to save the human race. Pfft.
Jesus Poster #5: Yo, my child.
Asuka: Hey Jesus.
Jesus Poster #5: Wassap?
Asuka: Well, Jesus, there's this guy, and I have to sleep with him to save the human race. I really don't like him, and he's kinda stupid. What should I do?
Jesus Poster #5: ...Um...uhh...GOTTAGOBYE! (Jesus Poster #5 crumples itself up, and burns)
Asuka: YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS WHY I'M AN ATHEIST! (Shinji is still screwing up Asuka's name)
Asuka: Okay, if he can get my name right, I'll go back to him.
MANY HOURS LATER
Shinji: Assmonkey! Uhrm...Assoup! Uh...um...
Shinji's Brain: OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, ITS ASUKA!
Shinji: Oh! Why didn't you say so?
Shinji's Brain: I was telling you ALL this time, but you HAD to be focusing on the word ASS. Do you know what happens when you say that word?
Shinji: Uhhhh...ooh, I know! I feel good in my pants!
Shinji's Brain: ...She was RIGHT, you ARE an idiot.
Shinji: Its YOUR fault! You're my brain!
Shinji's Brain: Excuses, excuses! I'm gonna go watch "South Park"
Shinji: HEY, WAIT! DON'T GO! I WANNA BE SMART! I WANNA BE---Hehehehehe, not fat...just big boned...hehehe...
Asuka: (moping) Stupid Shinji.
Shinji: Okay, I've got it now! I swear!
Asuka: (to self) Yeah right, probably say Assface or something. Just watch. If he gets it, I'll kiss him.
Shinji: Come back Asuka, I miss youuuuuuuu!
Asuka: Oh so NOW he gets it. (Asuka comes down to Shinji)
Shinji: Hey there!
Asuka: Now, for the last time, what's my name?
Shinji: Uhh...Asuka.
Asuka: (pulls him closer to her) Again.
Shinji: (sweating) Asuka.
Asuka: (pulls him very close, and wraps arms around him) One more time.
Shinji: (sweating profusely) Uh...um...er...uah...As...uk...a...grrk! (begins convusling at the mouth and seizing violently on the floor)
Asuka: TOLD you I'd get you back.
Shinji: (still seizing and foaming at mouth) D...damn...t...tease...vrrrrrrrrr...!
Our heros seem to be getting nowhere fast in this strange new world. What will happen next episode? Will Asuka ever get through Shinji's thick skull? Will Shinji ever reclaim his brain from the evils of Prime Time Television? Will the Giant Chicken ever return? Will Jesus stop using ebonics? WILL YOU KEEP READING?
Find out next time!