Disclaimer: I own Corey. Nothing else. Except Randy Jackass. Who hopefully
won't appear in this story.
Kudos for my last story:
Mikoto Zuko: Mansion? Uhh, don't you mean hotel? Never mind, glad you liked the bonus ending.
Dark-sephy: Well, I thank thee for thine ideas, but I'll go with this one, so far.
Mortalsora: Uhh, don't you mean Mike Meyers? Or Friday the 13th.? And no, I shall never quit writing. Until I've truly have run out of ideas, of course. Which hopefully won't be for a while.
Blood of Angels: I might use that idea. If my memory doesn't take a crap on me.
Space Toaster: I don't care if you're a professional writer or not. I just want suggestions. Well, maybe not right now, but when I ask, I just want suggestions. ^_^ Thanks.
A/N: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Installment 3 of this absolutely insane series of humour (insert snort and sarcastic nodding here) story. A Blood Omen parody. I'll do the whole series, except for Blood Omen 2, which I haven't played. Plus, I'll make a Defiance parody, as soon as I can. (which means it will be written as soon as I've completed the game) Unfortunately, I live in Europe, and won't get the game for a long time (I don't know the exact date for the Europe release) so I'll be behind all the Americans in here.
Read on. If you dare..
********************************************************************** "THERE IS A MAGICAL OPERATION OF MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE: THE INITIATION OF A NEW AEON. WHEN IT BECOMES NECESSARY TO UTTER A WORD THE WHOLE PLANET MUST BE BATHED IN BLOOD... " **********************************************************************
The screen pans in on the burning times. Witches and other "evil" people are being burned on crosses. Two witch-hunters look at each other.
Witch-hunter 1: What does this have to do with Legacy of Kain?
Witch-hunter 2: Don't ask, padre, 'cuz I don't know.
Witch-hunter 3: Well, it's stupid, makes no sense, and it portrays a moment, that most now-aday christians aren't too very proud of. (sarcastic) Must be a story by George Bush.
Witch-hunter 1: ..
Witch-hunter 2: Don't you mean Concept of a demon?
Witch-hunter 3: ... You're not too bright, you know that?
Witch-hunter 1: Is he trying to put christians on a guilt-trip?
Witch-hunter 2: I thought he's through with being an asshole?
Witch-hunter 3: He's probably been in Raziel's secret stash again.
Witch-hunter 1: Umm, we aren't christians, so what's he trying to prove?
Witch-hunter 3: Nothing, he just doesn't know what the hell to write.
Witch-hunter 2: So if we aren't witch-hunting christians, why are we killing witches?
Witch-hunter 1: Because we're psychos?
Witch-hunter 2: Oh yeah.
***************************************************************************
Okay, that was a crappy sequence. Ignore it! It means nothing. I'm not even that uptight anymore!
Kain: What exactly was the point of it, anyway?
Hell if I know, Kain.
Kain: I am so sick of your pointless little rants. No one cares, okay?! Sheesh, how stupid is it legal to be?
Well, Big-Brother is allowed to run, isn't it?
Kain: Good point. *Coughassholecough*
I heard that!
Kain: What are you going to do about it?
You'll see!
Kain: I don't really like the sound of this.
**************************************************************************** ***
Let's try again!
"THERE IS A MAGICAL OPERATION OF MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE: THE INITIATION OF A NEW AEON. WHEN IT BECOMES NECESSARY TO UTTER A WORD THE WHOLE PLANET MUST BE BATHED IN BLOOD... "
Didn't Aleister Crowley say that?
Kain: NO MORE RELIGIOUS JOKES, GOD-DAMNIT! (realises what he just said) Crap!
Hypocrite.
Kain: Shut up.
**************************************************************************** ***
Camera switched to a large open field where Knights of the Sarafan are raising vampires on pikes for all to see. The circle of nine is watching through a tv.
Kain: Umm, we don't have tvs in Nosgoth.
You aren't born yet, either.
Kain: Crap! (Dies, as if someone just pulled the plug on him Matrix-style. And don't talk to me about Revolutions, cuz I haven't seen it yet.)
Shall we continue?! (death glare)
No objections.
Vorador calmly walks inside.
Guardian 1: GET YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR, NOW! (pulls out a gun)
Vorador: Okay.
The guardians approach him, slowly. Just as one of them get to him, he grabs and snaps the guardian's arm, twisting it in an odd angle. He jumps up, sits still in the air as the camera pans around him, 360 degrees. He then kicks the guardian into the wall.
Guardian 2: HE'S RIPPING OFF MATRIX 1! RUN FOR IT! MALEEEEEEEEEK!
Guardian 3: MALEEEEEEEK!!!
Vorador: CALL YOUR DOGS!!! They can feast on your corpses. Oh wait, I'm allergic to dogs.
Rollo (a dog): wruf, wruf! (bites Vorador)
Vorador goes rabid. The guardians try to run. Vorador quickly gets in their way. They shoot for him, but he just runs around on the wall, landing in front of the basin in the middle of the room. He kicks it at the closest guardian, knocking him out. He rolls for one, grabs him, shoots another guardian, then kicks upwards, knocking the guardian he was holding, out. The last one is trying to slowly sneak away. Vorador appears right in front of him.
Vorador: The Matrix has you.
Guardian 4: Oh shit. (is impaled on the bone reaver)
Vorador: Bone-reaver?
Oh crap, we don't have anyone to stop him from pervertedness.
Malek runs in.
Oh, okay. Fair enough.
Vorador: Damn, why do I always get stopped before the punchline?
Malek: Shut up and fight!
Both of them jump up in the air, and lands on their heads, thereby standing upside down. Their legs kick at each other. It looks rather amusing. They jump up again. Malek grabs a wooden staff. So does Vorador. They start slamming their sticks at each other. (wink wink)
Vorador: Why don't I get to be perverted?
Because I'm more subtle in my pervertedness.
Vorador: Crap!
Suddenly, the staffs break in 2. They look at each other, then they both throw one part of their broken staffs away. They start the fight again, when the staffs break in 2, again. The same thing happens, until they are only holding pencil-length sticks in their hands. They start slapping each other's hands with the sticks. One of my friends and me used to do that a lot. Hurts like hell.
Random pseudo-satanist: Shouldn't that be 'heaven' in your case?
f-ck off, you bonehead! I don't have time to deal with self-decievers.
Vorador: Enough of this pointless silly-slapping! I grow weary of this battle.
Malek: Does that mean I'm winning? WOOOHOOO! (gets slapped in the back of his head, knocking him out)(pansy!)
**************************************************************************** *********
Someone on Silicon-knights must have been watching too many Psycho commercials, because Ariel gets killed Psycho-style.
Ariel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU RUINED MY FACE! I HAVE NO AESTHETICS! DAMN YOU! NOW I CAN'T GET A DATE WITH SRRAZ!
???: look, lady, he lived 500 years ago. What do you want to do to a dead corpse?
Ariel: Moron, I can't answer questions when I'm dying. Guess I'll seem the pervert, until the Soul Reaver games. (dies)
**************************************************************************** ***************
The pillars goes gray. I would have made a funny parallel, but I'm out. Oh wait, how about a joke on old people. The pillars must be getting old, human-style. Wow, aren't I funny? And cruel to the elder? No? You're right, I aren't.
**************************************************************************** *************
Barkeeper: The tavern's closing. Best be on your way, stranger
Kain: What if I give you a turn with Umah once I marry her?
Barkeeper: The tavern's yours!
Kain: heheh, works like a charm.
Umah appears.
Umah: Kain, you asshole. I'm not your personal bargain trade!
She kicks Kain outside.
Barkeeper: Am I getting my payment in advance?
Umah: Guess again! (Kills him)
Outside.
Kain: And so I was kicked out of the bar, by my future wife. Holy crap, that's a whole lot of brigands.
He slowly kills them all.
Kain: Ha, I won! Take that, you assholes!
In a far away forest, a father and a son are practicing bow-shooting.
Father: Now, son, hold the bow like this, and shoot.
Son: (does so) IT WORKED, DADDY! I love you daddy!
Father: I love you too, son! (they hug)
Back at the tavern.
Kain: That hurt! (dies, due to arrow in his heart)
Remaining brigand: Well, I guess the end justifies the means. (Impales Kain.)
Kain momentarily wakes up.
Kain: HOLY SHIT THAT HURTS!!!!! ASSHOLE (dies)
Brigand: Must be good enough for that skull-face.
**************************************************************************** *****************
Kain is now in hell.
Kain: Wow, there sure are many good looking girls down here!
Satan: Yo, dawg, what up? These woms (well, wouldn't you be pissed off if he said 'hos'?) like the fun exercise, and has therefore gone down here.
Kain: So that is why Concept wants to go to hell. Hmm, interesting. I'm staying!
Okay, wrong hell.
Underworld. Kain is shackled.
Kain: Wow, S and M! Awesome.
Wrong!
Kain: Oh yeah. Let me start over.
Moron.
Kain: I heard that. (coughs) Vae Victus. Suffering to the Conquered. Not pronounced right, but what the hell. I don't know how it is supposed to mean, so I'll read from the script. Ironic. Now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pleasuring as physical pain. (due to me being a sado- masochist in this story)(A/N: That was Kain talking before, not me.)
Wanna try that sentence again, Kain?
Kain: Uh-huh. Ahrem. Yes. Vae Victus- 'Suffering to the Conquered'. Ironic. Now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pedestrian as physical pain, rather the cruel jab of impotent anger- the hunger for revenge. I didn't care if I was in Heaven or Hell; all I wanted was to kill my assassins. Well, I did care about being in Heaven or Hell, but I'm reading from the script, so there.
This sequence makes a lot of sense, huh?
Kain: I wonder what pedestrian means.
Time to fill up some space, while I go look in ff.net's dictionary.
Uhh, yeah, that makes a lot of sense in that sentence! Notice the sarcasm.
Kain: Is this story gonna make ANY sense at all?
Look, I'm writing this as I go. I have no idea if it's gonna make any sense.
Kain: Okay. Moron.
I heard that.
Mortanius approaches Kain.
Morty: do you want payback, Kain?
Kain: This makes no sense. You don't speak in the original video.
Morty: This is a parody (read closely, Steelsoul), anything can happen.
Kain: Is that so?
Morty: yes, now do you want revenge or not?
Kain: I don't.
Morty (dangerously): I said, do you want revenge?
Kain (not getting it): No, I don't.
Morty: TAKE THE DAMN SWORD, OR YOU'LL BE PAIRED UP WITH MOEBIUS!!!
Kain: I ACCEPT! I ACCEPT. I WANT VENGEANCE!! VENGEANCE FOR MY ETERNITY OF SUFFERING!!!
Morty: Kain, you've been down here for 4 minutes.
Kain: I have a short attention span.
Morty: I hate my job. Anyway, take the sword, and you'll get your vengeance.
Kain: Sometimes, you get what you wish for. Sometimes, you say your oneliners too late for them to make any sense. I blame the author. The Necromancer, Mortanius, offered me a chance for vengeance and, like a fool, I jumped at his offer without considering the cost. Nothing is free, not even revenge.
Not much thinking going on in your head, huh Kain?
Kain: Shut up, Concept. You didn't even see this cutscene before you played the game.
I would have, if I had the choice. Damn cracked game!
A police car is right now going to COAD's house, to arrest him for stealing.
Morty: hahah, you will have the blood you hunger for!!!
Kain: Literally. *Drumroll*
Audience laughs.
Kain: Why are you ripping off Crystarr?
Technically, I'm not. He used canned laughter. I couldn't afford a canned- laughter machine, so I had to rent a couple of dumbasses. They'll laugh at anything.
Audience laughs again. What a bunch of dumbasses.
Kain: O_0 I'm out of here!
Kain leaves the underworld.
Kain: I'm gonna kick the ass of those assholes who killed me, aka crappy happy-clappy father and son. What assholes. And the asshole who sucker- impaled me when I was down.
Kain walks out of his mausoleum. He forgot the sanctuary spell.
Kain: I don't need that. I kick ass.
Suddenly, someone slams into him.
????: Watch it, goth-boy. Woah! Kain?
Kain: Oh great, now you're appearing again.
Corey: Just until the author don't need me anymore. Now pick up the sanctuary spell.
Kain: Or what?
Corey: Or I'll shove this chainsaw so far up your ass, you'll be whistling Dixie chicks.
Kain (meekly): Yes, sir. (gets it)
Corey: Good.
Kain: The world had changed to my eyes. I had not expected such cruelty from the light, even though I knew I was a vampire, right from the moment that I woke up. Never mind vampiric lore, I didn't expect it. For in the embrace of the sun I could find no comfort- only Malek. I mean malice This would change in time for the worse, along with other things.
Malek: did someone say my name?
Corey: You're not supposed to appear until later on, Malek.
Malek: Oh yeah. (disappears)
Kain kicks the ass of all those brigands. Didn't he kill them, instead of them killing him? Oh well. You must be getting used to plotholes by now.
Kain: For sure.
He finds the father and son, who accidentally shot him.
Kain: Their sneering faces were forever etched upon my memory. I had cross death for this moment. My mind was empty, save for one thought- I would kill!
He kills them.
Father: What trickery is this? (dies)
Kain: There is no greater release than that from vengeance sated. With my assassins dead, my quest was over.
Morty: 'Tis not over Kain. These fools were merely the instruments of your murder, not the cause. Look to their masters. Look to the Pillars and gain way to the Fortress of the Mind.
Kain: Next chapter.
Morty: I'd prefer you do it now.
Kain: The story is already up on 9 pages, AND size 12. Shut up. I'll do it next chapter.
Morty: But..
Enough, Mortanius. I grow weary of this chapter. Shut up. It is done.
**************************************************************************** ************
Okay, 5 reviews. (that will be mandatory for all of the chapters, by the way) And no flamers. (that too)
Kudos for my last story:
Mikoto Zuko: Mansion? Uhh, don't you mean hotel? Never mind, glad you liked the bonus ending.
Dark-sephy: Well, I thank thee for thine ideas, but I'll go with this one, so far.
Mortalsora: Uhh, don't you mean Mike Meyers? Or Friday the 13th.? And no, I shall never quit writing. Until I've truly have run out of ideas, of course. Which hopefully won't be for a while.
Blood of Angels: I might use that idea. If my memory doesn't take a crap on me.
Space Toaster: I don't care if you're a professional writer or not. I just want suggestions. Well, maybe not right now, but when I ask, I just want suggestions. ^_^ Thanks.
A/N: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Installment 3 of this absolutely insane series of humour (insert snort and sarcastic nodding here) story. A Blood Omen parody. I'll do the whole series, except for Blood Omen 2, which I haven't played. Plus, I'll make a Defiance parody, as soon as I can. (which means it will be written as soon as I've completed the game) Unfortunately, I live in Europe, and won't get the game for a long time (I don't know the exact date for the Europe release) so I'll be behind all the Americans in here.
Read on. If you dare..
********************************************************************** "THERE IS A MAGICAL OPERATION OF MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE: THE INITIATION OF A NEW AEON. WHEN IT BECOMES NECESSARY TO UTTER A WORD THE WHOLE PLANET MUST BE BATHED IN BLOOD... " **********************************************************************
The screen pans in on the burning times. Witches and other "evil" people are being burned on crosses. Two witch-hunters look at each other.
Witch-hunter 1: What does this have to do with Legacy of Kain?
Witch-hunter 2: Don't ask, padre, 'cuz I don't know.
Witch-hunter 3: Well, it's stupid, makes no sense, and it portrays a moment, that most now-aday christians aren't too very proud of. (sarcastic) Must be a story by George Bush.
Witch-hunter 1: ..
Witch-hunter 2: Don't you mean Concept of a demon?
Witch-hunter 3: ... You're not too bright, you know that?
Witch-hunter 1: Is he trying to put christians on a guilt-trip?
Witch-hunter 2: I thought he's through with being an asshole?
Witch-hunter 3: He's probably been in Raziel's secret stash again.
Witch-hunter 1: Umm, we aren't christians, so what's he trying to prove?
Witch-hunter 3: Nothing, he just doesn't know what the hell to write.
Witch-hunter 2: So if we aren't witch-hunting christians, why are we killing witches?
Witch-hunter 1: Because we're psychos?
Witch-hunter 2: Oh yeah.
***************************************************************************
Okay, that was a crappy sequence. Ignore it! It means nothing. I'm not even that uptight anymore!
Kain: What exactly was the point of it, anyway?
Hell if I know, Kain.
Kain: I am so sick of your pointless little rants. No one cares, okay?! Sheesh, how stupid is it legal to be?
Well, Big-Brother is allowed to run, isn't it?
Kain: Good point. *Coughassholecough*
I heard that!
Kain: What are you going to do about it?
You'll see!
Kain: I don't really like the sound of this.
**************************************************************************** ***
Let's try again!
"THERE IS A MAGICAL OPERATION OF MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE: THE INITIATION OF A NEW AEON. WHEN IT BECOMES NECESSARY TO UTTER A WORD THE WHOLE PLANET MUST BE BATHED IN BLOOD... "
Didn't Aleister Crowley say that?
Kain: NO MORE RELIGIOUS JOKES, GOD-DAMNIT! (realises what he just said) Crap!
Hypocrite.
Kain: Shut up.
**************************************************************************** ***
Camera switched to a large open field where Knights of the Sarafan are raising vampires on pikes for all to see. The circle of nine is watching through a tv.
Kain: Umm, we don't have tvs in Nosgoth.
You aren't born yet, either.
Kain: Crap! (Dies, as if someone just pulled the plug on him Matrix-style. And don't talk to me about Revolutions, cuz I haven't seen it yet.)
Shall we continue?! (death glare)
No objections.
Vorador calmly walks inside.
Guardian 1: GET YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR, NOW! (pulls out a gun)
Vorador: Okay.
The guardians approach him, slowly. Just as one of them get to him, he grabs and snaps the guardian's arm, twisting it in an odd angle. He jumps up, sits still in the air as the camera pans around him, 360 degrees. He then kicks the guardian into the wall.
Guardian 2: HE'S RIPPING OFF MATRIX 1! RUN FOR IT! MALEEEEEEEEEK!
Guardian 3: MALEEEEEEEK!!!
Vorador: CALL YOUR DOGS!!! They can feast on your corpses. Oh wait, I'm allergic to dogs.
Rollo (a dog): wruf, wruf! (bites Vorador)
Vorador goes rabid. The guardians try to run. Vorador quickly gets in their way. They shoot for him, but he just runs around on the wall, landing in front of the basin in the middle of the room. He kicks it at the closest guardian, knocking him out. He rolls for one, grabs him, shoots another guardian, then kicks upwards, knocking the guardian he was holding, out. The last one is trying to slowly sneak away. Vorador appears right in front of him.
Vorador: The Matrix has you.
Guardian 4: Oh shit. (is impaled on the bone reaver)
Vorador: Bone-reaver?
Oh crap, we don't have anyone to stop him from pervertedness.
Malek runs in.
Oh, okay. Fair enough.
Vorador: Damn, why do I always get stopped before the punchline?
Malek: Shut up and fight!
Both of them jump up in the air, and lands on their heads, thereby standing upside down. Their legs kick at each other. It looks rather amusing. They jump up again. Malek grabs a wooden staff. So does Vorador. They start slamming their sticks at each other. (wink wink)
Vorador: Why don't I get to be perverted?
Because I'm more subtle in my pervertedness.
Vorador: Crap!
Suddenly, the staffs break in 2. They look at each other, then they both throw one part of their broken staffs away. They start the fight again, when the staffs break in 2, again. The same thing happens, until they are only holding pencil-length sticks in their hands. They start slapping each other's hands with the sticks. One of my friends and me used to do that a lot. Hurts like hell.
Random pseudo-satanist: Shouldn't that be 'heaven' in your case?
f-ck off, you bonehead! I don't have time to deal with self-decievers.
Vorador: Enough of this pointless silly-slapping! I grow weary of this battle.
Malek: Does that mean I'm winning? WOOOHOOO! (gets slapped in the back of his head, knocking him out)(pansy!)
**************************************************************************** *********
Someone on Silicon-knights must have been watching too many Psycho commercials, because Ariel gets killed Psycho-style.
Ariel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU RUINED MY FACE! I HAVE NO AESTHETICS! DAMN YOU! NOW I CAN'T GET A DATE WITH SRRAZ!
???: look, lady, he lived 500 years ago. What do you want to do to a dead corpse?
Ariel: Moron, I can't answer questions when I'm dying. Guess I'll seem the pervert, until the Soul Reaver games. (dies)
**************************************************************************** ***************
The pillars goes gray. I would have made a funny parallel, but I'm out. Oh wait, how about a joke on old people. The pillars must be getting old, human-style. Wow, aren't I funny? And cruel to the elder? No? You're right, I aren't.
**************************************************************************** *************
Barkeeper: The tavern's closing. Best be on your way, stranger
Kain: What if I give you a turn with Umah once I marry her?
Barkeeper: The tavern's yours!
Kain: heheh, works like a charm.
Umah appears.
Umah: Kain, you asshole. I'm not your personal bargain trade!
She kicks Kain outside.
Barkeeper: Am I getting my payment in advance?
Umah: Guess again! (Kills him)
Outside.
Kain: And so I was kicked out of the bar, by my future wife. Holy crap, that's a whole lot of brigands.
He slowly kills them all.
Kain: Ha, I won! Take that, you assholes!
In a far away forest, a father and a son are practicing bow-shooting.
Father: Now, son, hold the bow like this, and shoot.
Son: (does so) IT WORKED, DADDY! I love you daddy!
Father: I love you too, son! (they hug)
Back at the tavern.
Kain: That hurt! (dies, due to arrow in his heart)
Remaining brigand: Well, I guess the end justifies the means. (Impales Kain.)
Kain momentarily wakes up.
Kain: HOLY SHIT THAT HURTS!!!!! ASSHOLE (dies)
Brigand: Must be good enough for that skull-face.
**************************************************************************** *****************
Kain is now in hell.
Kain: Wow, there sure are many good looking girls down here!
Satan: Yo, dawg, what up? These woms (well, wouldn't you be pissed off if he said 'hos'?) like the fun exercise, and has therefore gone down here.
Kain: So that is why Concept wants to go to hell. Hmm, interesting. I'm staying!
Okay, wrong hell.
Underworld. Kain is shackled.
Kain: Wow, S and M! Awesome.
Wrong!
Kain: Oh yeah. Let me start over.
Moron.
Kain: I heard that. (coughs) Vae Victus. Suffering to the Conquered. Not pronounced right, but what the hell. I don't know how it is supposed to mean, so I'll read from the script. Ironic. Now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pleasuring as physical pain. (due to me being a sado- masochist in this story)(A/N: That was Kain talking before, not me.)
Wanna try that sentence again, Kain?
Kain: Uh-huh. Ahrem. Yes. Vae Victus- 'Suffering to the Conquered'. Ironic. Now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pedestrian as physical pain, rather the cruel jab of impotent anger- the hunger for revenge. I didn't care if I was in Heaven or Hell; all I wanted was to kill my assassins. Well, I did care about being in Heaven or Hell, but I'm reading from the script, so there.
This sequence makes a lot of sense, huh?
Kain: I wonder what pedestrian means.
Time to fill up some space, while I go look in ff.net's dictionary.
Uhh, yeah, that makes a lot of sense in that sentence! Notice the sarcasm.
Kain: Is this story gonna make ANY sense at all?
Look, I'm writing this as I go. I have no idea if it's gonna make any sense.
Kain: Okay. Moron.
I heard that.
Mortanius approaches Kain.
Morty: do you want payback, Kain?
Kain: This makes no sense. You don't speak in the original video.
Morty: This is a parody (read closely, Steelsoul), anything can happen.
Kain: Is that so?
Morty: yes, now do you want revenge or not?
Kain: I don't.
Morty (dangerously): I said, do you want revenge?
Kain (not getting it): No, I don't.
Morty: TAKE THE DAMN SWORD, OR YOU'LL BE PAIRED UP WITH MOEBIUS!!!
Kain: I ACCEPT! I ACCEPT. I WANT VENGEANCE!! VENGEANCE FOR MY ETERNITY OF SUFFERING!!!
Morty: Kain, you've been down here for 4 minutes.
Kain: I have a short attention span.
Morty: I hate my job. Anyway, take the sword, and you'll get your vengeance.
Kain: Sometimes, you get what you wish for. Sometimes, you say your oneliners too late for them to make any sense. I blame the author. The Necromancer, Mortanius, offered me a chance for vengeance and, like a fool, I jumped at his offer without considering the cost. Nothing is free, not even revenge.
Not much thinking going on in your head, huh Kain?
Kain: Shut up, Concept. You didn't even see this cutscene before you played the game.
I would have, if I had the choice. Damn cracked game!
A police car is right now going to COAD's house, to arrest him for stealing.
Morty: hahah, you will have the blood you hunger for!!!
Kain: Literally. *Drumroll*
Audience laughs.
Kain: Why are you ripping off Crystarr?
Technically, I'm not. He used canned laughter. I couldn't afford a canned- laughter machine, so I had to rent a couple of dumbasses. They'll laugh at anything.
Audience laughs again. What a bunch of dumbasses.
Kain: O_0 I'm out of here!
Kain leaves the underworld.
Kain: I'm gonna kick the ass of those assholes who killed me, aka crappy happy-clappy father and son. What assholes. And the asshole who sucker- impaled me when I was down.
Kain walks out of his mausoleum. He forgot the sanctuary spell.
Kain: I don't need that. I kick ass.
Suddenly, someone slams into him.
????: Watch it, goth-boy. Woah! Kain?
Kain: Oh great, now you're appearing again.
Corey: Just until the author don't need me anymore. Now pick up the sanctuary spell.
Kain: Or what?
Corey: Or I'll shove this chainsaw so far up your ass, you'll be whistling Dixie chicks.
Kain (meekly): Yes, sir. (gets it)
Corey: Good.
Kain: The world had changed to my eyes. I had not expected such cruelty from the light, even though I knew I was a vampire, right from the moment that I woke up. Never mind vampiric lore, I didn't expect it. For in the embrace of the sun I could find no comfort- only Malek. I mean malice This would change in time for the worse, along with other things.
Malek: did someone say my name?
Corey: You're not supposed to appear until later on, Malek.
Malek: Oh yeah. (disappears)
Kain kicks the ass of all those brigands. Didn't he kill them, instead of them killing him? Oh well. You must be getting used to plotholes by now.
Kain: For sure.
He finds the father and son, who accidentally shot him.
Kain: Their sneering faces were forever etched upon my memory. I had cross death for this moment. My mind was empty, save for one thought- I would kill!
He kills them.
Father: What trickery is this? (dies)
Kain: There is no greater release than that from vengeance sated. With my assassins dead, my quest was over.
Morty: 'Tis not over Kain. These fools were merely the instruments of your murder, not the cause. Look to their masters. Look to the Pillars and gain way to the Fortress of the Mind.
Kain: Next chapter.
Morty: I'd prefer you do it now.
Kain: The story is already up on 9 pages, AND size 12. Shut up. I'll do it next chapter.
Morty: But..
Enough, Mortanius. I grow weary of this chapter. Shut up. It is done.
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