"I had to tell you..."
"Gay!"
"Taichi...."
"Your a fag Yama?"
"Tai..."
"Spose it's not really that much of a surprise, the way you dress" he backs away, disgust...I'm foul....he thinks I'm sick.
I have to explain.
"Tai, you don't understand, this changes...."
"What Yamato? This changes nothing?" Angry. "Like hell it doesn't! I'm not hanging out with a friggen queer, ruin my rep, team mates to watch out for, this changes everything!"
I can't look any more. But I still see, his face, anger, frown, the wrinkles between his eyebrows, the creases, his wild hair. Imprinted. Minds eye. He hates me.
Of course he would.
Yamato Ishida.
Gay.
Fag.
Queer.
Queen.
"Yamato?" TK? I'm sorry little brother. Repercussions of my actions. Should've known it'd have hurt you to. Should've known to keep my mouth closed. Gone to the grave. Maybe just left a note. Gone. Before my disease could spread. Before my pain became others.
"Oi Matt, you listening to me?" I don't want to listen Tai, heard enough, I already know.
"Matt?"
"Hey Matt" Mimi, Sora. I'm sorry.
"Matt" I'm going.
"Yamato" I'm going already, leaving. Should've done it before.
"Come back buddy" But you don't....?
"Yoo hoo, Matt, land of the living this way." Wha...?
Taichi?
Huge brown eyes, ten centre meters from my nose. Frowning.
I scramble away....sheets....leg caught....no more bed....oww, floor. Oww.
He's laughing at me.
"Gee Matt, I'm hurt, surely I'm not that scary of a morning"
"Tai, what're you doing here?" He's in his school uniform.
School.
Time.
8:40.
Shit.
Ahh! hey! There goes my tank top? What the hell?
"Don't give me that look Ishida, arms up."
Still completely confused, I obey and a shirt slips over my arms with a little less care than I would I would normally apply. Thumb caught in the cuff.
"Jeez Yama, do you not eat?"
Still talking he kneels down in front of me and starts doing up any old buttons, he jumps up grabs my blazer, shoving my arms into the sleeves.
"Man, are you even awake?" He chuckles and throws a pair of trousers at me.
He's gone from the room but still talking. I shove my legs into my trousers and he's back with a piece of toast, no butter, raspberry jam.
Glancing at the clock I realise we're definitely going to be late and I haven't done my hair.
Tai tries to give me the toast.
"Time Tai, don't have time, hair."
"Duh Yama, why do think I'm here, what'd you do to your alarm?" He follows me to the bathroom and tries to give me the toast again.
"Don't Tai"
"Matt, you have to eat, look, just take a bite." He holds the toast under my nose. Frowning at him I let him feed it to me as I attempt to tame my hair into something more stylish than a mop.
"I don't want anymore."
"Matt, eat," he looks slightly perplexed at the half eaten piece of toast, "One more bite."
I roll my eyes and comply.
"No more." I say rushing out of the bathroom.
He follows me back continuing to talk as he polishes off the remains of my breakfast.
Keys, got keys, wallet, yes, bag? Sweeping the floor of my room with my eyes I realise it's not there.
"Oi Yama, come on." Tai's got it.
Right.
School.
****
"Matt, who dressed you this morning?" I looked down to discover several of my buttons were incorrectly....buttoned. Stupid Tai.
Sora giggled. I wish she wouldn't do that. It's annoying. It's always annoying when girls giggle. Other girls always seem to join in. True to the female form, Mimi's doing that silly smile of hers and Hikari's grinning like there's no tomorrow. Although that could be because TK just sat down next to her.
I can't believe I just spent the entire morning looking like a five year old who couldn't dress.
I frown at Taichi as I button my shirt properly.
"Matt, where's your lunch?" Not hungry Tai, leave it.
"Here I've got plenty." He dumps a burger the size of Detroit down in front of me and he's still got enough food on his tray to feed three people.
"Tai, I'm not going to eat that."
He looks at the burger. "Oh, right, you don't like those buns do you." He picks it up and empties the middle on to the plate, taking the bread and using it to scoop up whatever that white, yellow stuff is.
I sigh and he fishes out the tomato as well.
I don't feel like arguing today.
****
School ends, but the day extends further.
I want to watch Tai play soccer.
It's only a practice game against the girls team. Him and Sora battling it out amongst the forwards.
I love the way he can be so excited, so enthusiastic, and it's still only genuine happiness at having outsmarted the goalie or outmanoeuvred another player. He's not rubbing anyone up the wrong way.
At least not purposefully. He doesn't hog the ball anymore.
I pretend to do my maths homework.
They finish up and Tai and Sora race each other off the field in my general direction.
I get tackled by the both of them in quick succession.
"I got here first"
"No, I did Sora, you weren't anywhere close, right Matt." I blinked. He's staring at me....expectantly.
I shrug.
"Aww Yama, your no fun" He hauls me off the ground, "Are you coming to the game on Saturday?"
"Are you coming to the girls game on Saturday," Sora butts in before I can answer.
I just nod.
She smiles.
Tai claps me on the shoulder. "Quit being Ice man Ishida," I wish these blazers didn't have shoulder pads, "You've barely said anything today, what's up, are you still asleep?" I can feel the pressure of his fingers as he leans closer, pushing me to start walking in the direction of the gate.
I smile for him. "Maybe thats it."
He chuckles. "Ok."
We pass by my place first.
He hesitates before waving, looking at Sora. It's almost dark, he wants to walk her home.
So I don't invite him in.
I trudge up the stairs, unlock the door, walk in.
And the day is over.
I dump my bag in the bedroom, change, march out to the kitchen, remove the knife from the second draw, sit at the kitchen table and place it carefully in front of me on the laminated surface.
It's exquisite.
Blade reflecting the many shades of light creeping onto the metal.
Me.
I reflect the light.
Reflect everything.
Cold.
I didn't wash it properly, there's food lodged in the crevice where the blade meets the handle.
I clean it.
Sit down.
And I ask myself....Do I need to cut, do I need to cut, do I need to cut?
Everything says yes.
Except I'm asking the wrong question.
Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes, again.
Do I want to hurt myself?
No.
No I don't.
Maybe...
NO.
Shaking, everything is shaking, quivering.
I don't know why.
Want it to stop.
A little bit of blood, just a thin red line.
To walk that, just shuts everything down.
A sudden fury makes me pick it up and swipe it across my arm, only slightly, hoping it will cut, no effort, accidental, quick pain, unintentional.
But it's not sharp today.
Less than a paper cut.
Disgusted, I throw the knife back in the draw, go to the bathroom, strip and shower.
The razor.
I half heartedly run it sideways across the inside of my arm, hoping it will cut, it doesn't work. Only got rid of a few invisible hairs.
I put it back and reassure myself of the knife in the kitchen draw.
Dry, dressed and wrapped in my quilt, I pull my guitar onto my lap and pick out the tune I've been working on. I play the chords and hum, but I don't have any words yet. I don't quite know what I'm describing. What this song means.
Eventually I move round to some of my more well know songs, softly singing as my hands move of their own volition, twisting here, curving there, strumming, plucking, they don't even need me to watch.
I just play.
Smile.
Sleep.
"Gay!"
"Taichi...."
"Your a fag Yama?"
"Tai..."
"Spose it's not really that much of a surprise, the way you dress" he backs away, disgust...I'm foul....he thinks I'm sick.
I have to explain.
"Tai, you don't understand, this changes...."
"What Yamato? This changes nothing?" Angry. "Like hell it doesn't! I'm not hanging out with a friggen queer, ruin my rep, team mates to watch out for, this changes everything!"
I can't look any more. But I still see, his face, anger, frown, the wrinkles between his eyebrows, the creases, his wild hair. Imprinted. Minds eye. He hates me.
Of course he would.
Yamato Ishida.
Gay.
Fag.
Queer.
Queen.
"Yamato?" TK? I'm sorry little brother. Repercussions of my actions. Should've known it'd have hurt you to. Should've known to keep my mouth closed. Gone to the grave. Maybe just left a note. Gone. Before my disease could spread. Before my pain became others.
"Oi Matt, you listening to me?" I don't want to listen Tai, heard enough, I already know.
"Matt?"
"Hey Matt" Mimi, Sora. I'm sorry.
"Matt" I'm going.
"Yamato" I'm going already, leaving. Should've done it before.
"Come back buddy" But you don't....?
"Yoo hoo, Matt, land of the living this way." Wha...?
Taichi?
Huge brown eyes, ten centre meters from my nose. Frowning.
I scramble away....sheets....leg caught....no more bed....oww, floor. Oww.
He's laughing at me.
"Gee Matt, I'm hurt, surely I'm not that scary of a morning"
"Tai, what're you doing here?" He's in his school uniform.
School.
Time.
8:40.
Shit.
Ahh! hey! There goes my tank top? What the hell?
"Don't give me that look Ishida, arms up."
Still completely confused, I obey and a shirt slips over my arms with a little less care than I would I would normally apply. Thumb caught in the cuff.
"Jeez Yama, do you not eat?"
Still talking he kneels down in front of me and starts doing up any old buttons, he jumps up grabs my blazer, shoving my arms into the sleeves.
"Man, are you even awake?" He chuckles and throws a pair of trousers at me.
He's gone from the room but still talking. I shove my legs into my trousers and he's back with a piece of toast, no butter, raspberry jam.
Glancing at the clock I realise we're definitely going to be late and I haven't done my hair.
Tai tries to give me the toast.
"Time Tai, don't have time, hair."
"Duh Yama, why do think I'm here, what'd you do to your alarm?" He follows me to the bathroom and tries to give me the toast again.
"Don't Tai"
"Matt, you have to eat, look, just take a bite." He holds the toast under my nose. Frowning at him I let him feed it to me as I attempt to tame my hair into something more stylish than a mop.
"I don't want anymore."
"Matt, eat," he looks slightly perplexed at the half eaten piece of toast, "One more bite."
I roll my eyes and comply.
"No more." I say rushing out of the bathroom.
He follows me back continuing to talk as he polishes off the remains of my breakfast.
Keys, got keys, wallet, yes, bag? Sweeping the floor of my room with my eyes I realise it's not there.
"Oi Yama, come on." Tai's got it.
Right.
School.
****
"Matt, who dressed you this morning?" I looked down to discover several of my buttons were incorrectly....buttoned. Stupid Tai.
Sora giggled. I wish she wouldn't do that. It's annoying. It's always annoying when girls giggle. Other girls always seem to join in. True to the female form, Mimi's doing that silly smile of hers and Hikari's grinning like there's no tomorrow. Although that could be because TK just sat down next to her.
I can't believe I just spent the entire morning looking like a five year old who couldn't dress.
I frown at Taichi as I button my shirt properly.
"Matt, where's your lunch?" Not hungry Tai, leave it.
"Here I've got plenty." He dumps a burger the size of Detroit down in front of me and he's still got enough food on his tray to feed three people.
"Tai, I'm not going to eat that."
He looks at the burger. "Oh, right, you don't like those buns do you." He picks it up and empties the middle on to the plate, taking the bread and using it to scoop up whatever that white, yellow stuff is.
I sigh and he fishes out the tomato as well.
I don't feel like arguing today.
****
School ends, but the day extends further.
I want to watch Tai play soccer.
It's only a practice game against the girls team. Him and Sora battling it out amongst the forwards.
I love the way he can be so excited, so enthusiastic, and it's still only genuine happiness at having outsmarted the goalie or outmanoeuvred another player. He's not rubbing anyone up the wrong way.
At least not purposefully. He doesn't hog the ball anymore.
I pretend to do my maths homework.
They finish up and Tai and Sora race each other off the field in my general direction.
I get tackled by the both of them in quick succession.
"I got here first"
"No, I did Sora, you weren't anywhere close, right Matt." I blinked. He's staring at me....expectantly.
I shrug.
"Aww Yama, your no fun" He hauls me off the ground, "Are you coming to the game on Saturday?"
"Are you coming to the girls game on Saturday," Sora butts in before I can answer.
I just nod.
She smiles.
Tai claps me on the shoulder. "Quit being Ice man Ishida," I wish these blazers didn't have shoulder pads, "You've barely said anything today, what's up, are you still asleep?" I can feel the pressure of his fingers as he leans closer, pushing me to start walking in the direction of the gate.
I smile for him. "Maybe thats it."
He chuckles. "Ok."
We pass by my place first.
He hesitates before waving, looking at Sora. It's almost dark, he wants to walk her home.
So I don't invite him in.
I trudge up the stairs, unlock the door, walk in.
And the day is over.
I dump my bag in the bedroom, change, march out to the kitchen, remove the knife from the second draw, sit at the kitchen table and place it carefully in front of me on the laminated surface.
It's exquisite.
Blade reflecting the many shades of light creeping onto the metal.
Me.
I reflect the light.
Reflect everything.
Cold.
I didn't wash it properly, there's food lodged in the crevice where the blade meets the handle.
I clean it.
Sit down.
And I ask myself....Do I need to cut, do I need to cut, do I need to cut?
Everything says yes.
Except I'm asking the wrong question.
Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes, again.
Do I want to hurt myself?
No.
No I don't.
Maybe...
NO.
Shaking, everything is shaking, quivering.
I don't know why.
Want it to stop.
A little bit of blood, just a thin red line.
To walk that, just shuts everything down.
A sudden fury makes me pick it up and swipe it across my arm, only slightly, hoping it will cut, no effort, accidental, quick pain, unintentional.
But it's not sharp today.
Less than a paper cut.
Disgusted, I throw the knife back in the draw, go to the bathroom, strip and shower.
The razor.
I half heartedly run it sideways across the inside of my arm, hoping it will cut, it doesn't work. Only got rid of a few invisible hairs.
I put it back and reassure myself of the knife in the kitchen draw.
Dry, dressed and wrapped in my quilt, I pull my guitar onto my lap and pick out the tune I've been working on. I play the chords and hum, but I don't have any words yet. I don't quite know what I'm describing. What this song means.
Eventually I move round to some of my more well know songs, softly singing as my hands move of their own volition, twisting here, curving there, strumming, plucking, they don't even need me to watch.
I just play.
Smile.
Sleep.