Disclaimer: I do not own Meteor Garden or Hana Yori Dango. I wouldn't mind
owning F4 (especially zaizai) though. I just happen to be a fan who has
ideas that I wanted to put into words. I will not get any money from
writing this.
This is it. I've waited for so long to write a complete fanfiction and finally, here is the result. This is the first fanfic that I've ever written. Ever. So please bear with me if it may not be too "perfect". This takes place about a year after MG2. I'm a huge Hua ze Lei fan (and of course zaizai) but this story isn't quite what you'd expect. A one-shot fic, a little too melancholic, with many what if's. I'm a masochist who likes making myself cry and in fairness, I cried buckets while I was writing this. I really hope you'd enjoy reading it and if you liked (or hated) the story, please feel free to comment. Also, please inform me first if you want to post it in another site. Thank you!
-red star
Hua ze Lei's Confessions
It was 9 o'clock in the evening and Sancai just got back from work at the traveling agency. She was already very tired and sleepy, lying on her bed, still clad in her uniform when her mobile phone rang. "Hello?" "Did I wake up my workaholic friend?" A familiar voice on the other line spoke, which stirred excitement in her and made her sit up. "Hua ze lei!"
It's one of her best friends who was currently in Japan. "Hey! How are you? Anything wrong?" answered her, wondering why he called up. "Do I need to have a problem to call you up? Don't worry, I'd go look for one." he jokingly said.
It is very rare for the cold Lei to crack jokes and Sancai knows that very well. "Nothing, just thought I'm missing your voice already. So how's Ah Si and the rest doing?" he continued. "The F3 are great. Ximen is busy with his work and Meizhuo is, well, still his own self. Ah Si and I aren't talking though. I'm still recovering from the break up."
Lei was quiet for a long time and seemed to be in deep thoughts. "Sancai," he then said. "do not give up on Ah Si. It may seem hard for now but everything's going to be OK. Maybe it's good that you are trying to find yourselves first but in the end, when you do, you'd see that you really belong to each other."
Sancai was really moved by what Lei said. "How I wish I could be there. " His voice sounded unusually sleepy as if he wasn't feeling well and Sancai noticed the change. "Are you sick? You do not sound so good. What are you doing in Japan anyway? It's been two months now!" San Cai asked, chiding him kiddingly. "Well, I'm helping my dad with our business. He said I need to learn the dealings now just like Ximen. I just have a little sore throat but I'm taking my medicine, mother Sancai." he teased. "I'm not sure when I will return but while I'm gone, make sure that you'd take care of yourself, ok? Know that I'm always right here."
Sancai found it amusing for Lei to say those words because he usually is impassive but was touched anyway. "OK. You too. I miss you."
1 week after
Ximen, Meizhuo and Qing He came rushing inside the building where Sancai worked, looking for her. "Where's Sancai?" asked Meizhuo to the receptionist who quickly recognized who they were. The skinny lady wearing thick glasses in her mid-30's made a call through the intercom and a couple of minutes later Sancai came down from the stairs with a big smile on her face.
"Hey Ximen! Meizhuo! What are you doing here at this time of the day? Qing He?! You too! Don't you guys have work?"
Noticing the worried look on their faces she became serious and anxious too. "Why, what's the matter? Did something happen? Where's Ah Si??" "Come with us outside" Meizhuo said as he tried to keep a straight face and seated Sancai in a chair. Qing He held her hand and squeezed it tightly. This made her much more uneasy.
Ximen took a deep breath and readied himself for his revelation. Droplets of sweat fell down from his forehead as he looked Sancai in the eyes. Tears dwelled up at the corners of his eyes, his lips began to tremble as he tried to speak. This made Sancai more nervous and almost screamed to them "What happened?! Is it Ah si?! Tell me! Tell me!! Qing He, what's the matter?!"
"No Sancai, it's not about Ah si. He is in fact, on his way here." he swallowed hard. "It's about Lei." Sancai's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "I'm sorry. He passed away yesterday. His father contacted us." Ximen further explained but Sancai didn't hear the words any longer. She felt like being vacuumed from where she was seated as if time stopped. Suddenly, everything seemed blurred and her surroundings were just a mix of hues. Qing He shook her hand and salvaged her from totally passing out.
When she came back to her senses, in utter disbelief, she laughed and told Ximen "Stop fooling around. Not now. C'mon, tell me what happened! Don't say Hua ze lei died! Haha!" Realizing no one was laughing with her, she grabbed Ximen's elbows and shook him violently while continuously saying those words. By that time, she was already sobbing and shouting.
".Don't say Hua ze Lei died!!" Meizhuo had to restrain her for Ximen wasn't doing anything to protect himself. During this commotion Ah Si arrived and tried to calm Sancai down. "Enough, enough!" He said holding her arm. She stopped but looked at him furiously before running away to the street. "Sancai!" Qing He called out and chased her. The F3 stayed, still stunned from what just took place.
"I heard what happened. Why? Why didn't he tell us?" asked Ah Si of the two. Because Ximen was still staring at space and speechless, Meizhuo took the liberty of answering his friend's query. "We do not know. Apparently, he had no idea that he had leukemia until about three months ago. He went to his parents in Japan and underwent some tests there, looking for possible cure. Unfortunately, the cancer was in its final stage and it was already too late. I guess Lei didn't want us to think he's frail. or dying."
At Sancai's bedroom that night
Sancai locked herself up in her room. It had no lights on, no ventilation but the windows were left opened. She did not even bother changing her clothes and was lying awake on the bed. Her Ma and Pa kept on knocking on the door, urging her to open it because they were worried she might do something to herself. They found out about the unfortunate story from Qing He who brought Sancai's things from the office and told them what happened.
"SanCai! Open the door please. We want to talk to you!" Her parents tried unlocking the knob but to no avail. Sancai locked herself in the room, locked her spirit within.
Lei. Lei is dead. These thoughts had been hunting her since that afternoon. How could it be when only a few days ago I was talking with him? He didn't sound so fine but it was him at the other end of the line. Him who had been my support since the very beginning. Him who lent his shoulders whenever I felt like crying. Him who always found me whenever I tried to run away from it all. That moment, she felt like running away again but couldn't. She knew that no one would look for her the way that he does. The way that he did.
She was still laying awake, pillow wet from crying, eyes sore from continuous flow of tears that never seemed to run dry. Her mobile phone rang and eagerly, she sat up and answered it, secretly hoping that it would be Lei. That he would clear the news and confirm that it was just some nasty rumor with no truth to it.
"Hello??" she answered enthusiastically. "Sancai!! You're awake!! This is Qing He. I was so worried about you. Did you get your things? I brought. Hello? Sancai?" Before he could even continue, Sancai cut the line and sank back to her depressed state.
The room seemed smaller yet colder. She could see the sky from where she laid and wondered why there were no stars. For a moment, she reminisced the times when Lei and her would spend the night at the rooftop and would watch the fireworks that lit up the night sky. Different colors, different shapes, like a piece of art not meant to be seen again, captured only for a few seconds. She closed her eyes and made a wish. Whoever it is listening, please bring Hua ze Lei back to me.
Tip, tap, tip, tap. She opened her eyes and saw that the fireworks were gone. They were but mere illusions after all. Instead, the rain started pouring, first gently then gushed out like a little troop of warriors pounding on their roof. Even the clouds are mourning with me. This made her even gloomier and slowly started to succumb to the call of the slumber.
The next day, she found herself at the rooftop of Ying De, overlooking the familiar view the two of them shared. The trees with their yellow falling leaves and the pavement covered with those that have let the wind take them. Fall used to be her favorite season but at that moment, she didn't find anything romantic in the sight. It was just so. sad. Sancai couldn't stop her tears from falling and wanted so badly to yell at the world, yell at Lei. Suddenly, her mobile rang. She vowed never to answer anyone while she's still at their sacred space and was about to reject the call when she realized the name on the screen.
"Hello?" she answered with uncertainty.
"Why are you crying?" said the person on the other line whom she recognized instantly. Her heart beat fast. "Lei, is that you? I. I thought.. "
"I'm dead? Ha! That's just a prank we played on you. I knew you'd believe it!!" teased Lei.
"But.. but." grasping the idea, she gave out a smile. "How dare you! Don't you ever do that to me again!! You scared me to death!! Don't come near me or I'd punch you!" and giggled with relief. He's alive. "Where are you anyway?" queried her, palms sweating with anticipation.
"Why are you wearing white again? Didn't I tell you it doesn't suit you?" said Lei without answering her question. "And have I told you that I miss seeing you in pigtailed-braids? You let your hair down again."
Realizing that she was being watched by him, she looked around to search for Lei and found him at the entrance of the floor, leaning against the wall. "Why won't you wipe your tears already? No need to be sad. I'm here. And by the way, I'm treating you to lunch, I owe you." he said still on the phone as he approached her, much like when they saw each other at the cafe.
"Lei!!" Sancai excitedly shouted and hugged her best friend as tight as she could. "Don't you ever do that again, OK? I mean it." She hit his chest lightly and tried to look mad but couldn't. She was overwhelmed with happiness.
They both sat at the platform and started joking around. "Have I told you before that I wanted to fly like a bird? To go places without ever touching the ground and feeling light and free and just. happy." Sancai just smiled. He is with me now, nothing more to be afraid of. "I believe I could actually do that. See." without warning, Lei jumped from the roof and Sancai was so shocked to even react. "Lei!! Lei!! Lei!!" She was breathing heavy when she sat up from the bed and woke up. It was all just a dream.
Sancai surveyed her surroundings and realized that it was already 8 o'clock. The sun was up and the street outside was busy. An urge within told her to move fast because there's work to do but she was so tired and depressed, she didn't feel like getting up. She hadn't even eaten since lunch the day before but somehow her appetite, along with her friend, had gone. As she passed by her mirror, she caught a glimpse of a totally messed- up girl. Eyes puff from incessant crying, clothes still from work the day before and hair all tangled. She did not care.
However, she needed to go to the bathroom and when she opened the door, her parents were already waiting for her at the dining table with concerned look on their faces. "Sancai! You're awake!" said her mama. "Do you want anything to eat? I've prepared breakfast for you." She ignored her and seemed lost on her way to the bath, taking small, slow, steps.
"Are you going to work? I can bring you there if you want." asked her papa. They have been trying to avoid the topic but it seemed that Sancai was lost in space.
"Master Hua ze Lei's remains will arrive later this noon. The wake is at the funerary. Visitors will be allowed tomorrow." her mother firmly said as if to bring her back to reality. True enough, she was stopped at her tracks and shaken for a moment by the information. Lei's remains. Funerary. Sancai tried hard to comprehend the connection between those words. She continued walking to the bathroom though and slowly closed the door behind her.
The next day at mid-morning
Qing He rang the bell at the Dong's residence and Sancai's ma answered the door with a smile. "Oh Qing He! How are you? Please wait for Sancai, she's on her way out."
Then she lowered her voice held his hand and anxiously whispered on his ear "I know you're her best friend so please look after her. Since she found out about the death of Master Hua ze Lei, she hadn't been acting normal. She wouldn't eat, would lock herself in her room and wouldn't talk with anyone, not even with F3. Her pa and I are really afraid for her safety. Afraid that she might do something to hurt herself."
"I know. She wouldn't answer my calls, good thing you arranged for me to accompany her in the wake. I know a lot of us were really affected by Lei's death but Sancai seems to be the most shattered. The F3 are really concerned too. Don't worry, I'll never leave her side. I'll take care of her. I know that I can never take Hua ze Lei's place but I'd do my best to stand by her side." confidently answered Qing He.
Just as he said this, Sancai came over to them, still looking glum, holding a single stem of flower. Her white blouse looked lovely in her though she paired it with jeans. Because of the dream, she wore her hair in pigtailed- braids, wishfully thinking that it may please Lei and come back to her. She did not say a word to her ma or to Qing He and went straight to his car. "Please look after her." "OK, Mrs. Dong. I'll protect her. We'll go ahead now. Bye bye." He gave out a little wave as he bid farewell.
On the way to the wake, Sancai was yet again lost in her thoughts. The car windows were opened and the wind was blowing against her face. Lei. I can't believe you're doing this to me. She wasn't even crying, just looking real sad and in disbelief, and somehow in denial of what was happening.
She saw the autumn flowers by the roadside, in their full glory and beauty but couldn't seem to appreciate them. This made her smell the flower in her hand, a yellow one that resembled a sunflower. Saw the birds flying free making her recall what he said in the dream. I thought you want to fly like a bird! How could you now? You're dead.
Qing He was getting uncomfortable so to break the awkward silence, he turned the radio on and Kavana's song was playing.
. And if I promise not to feel this pain Will I see you again? Will I see you again?
'Coz time would pass me by Maybe I'll never learn to smile But I know I'll make it through If you wait for me, will you wait for me? And all the tears I cried No matter how I tried I'll never bring you home to me Won't you wait for me. in heaven.
Sancai just stared at the stereo and tears started falling down. No sobs, no heavy breathing. Just warm tears, streaming down her cheeks, trying to wash away the coldness that she feels inside. Realizing what he'd done, Qing He turned it off. "Sancai." he sighed. "I made you cry again. I'm sorry."
Her response was to look at him slowly, stare for a few seconds without saying a single word and then looking away again towards the window.
It took them half an hour before they got out of the car when they arrived at the funerary. Qing He waited patiently for Sancai to make the first move and stayed with her inside the vehicle. After what seemed to be an eternity, she quietly got out of the car and Qing He quickly followed.
Outside the door, there were dozens of flowers from people whose identities did not matter to Lei. There were also the miniature carton houses, cars, planes, money and other things that will be burnt after, which the Chinese believe would be brought by the departed with them at the afterlife.
As they entered the room, Sancai was overwhelmed by the strong scent of the burning incense, as if they were inside a temple. Everybody seemed to be in white. She noticed Meizhuo, Ximen and Ah Si talking with other people but they did not come near her. They did approach Qing He however, and asked him questions in hush voices, none of which mattered to her.
Standing at the center aisle like a bride about to take her walk, she noticed people staring at her. People who became but a blur. Heard conversations that all contained his name. Conversations that were reduced to a buzz. Everything seemed to be in white, even the casket that awaited her at the end of the walkway. It seemed so distant, but it was just a few meters from where she was standing.
Holding a wedelia, one which she picked out at their garden herself, she strode forward, taking small, heavy steps for her feet couldn't seem to move on its own. She was shaking. Time stopped. She could see his portrait that was situated beside the opened casket, with his usual emotion-less look but she could see a hint of smile.
Tell me this is only a dream. Call me up again and say that it's just an elaborate hoax that you played on me! Stand up and make fun of me for believing what they all said!! Get up Lei!! Get up!
But he didn't. She too did not notice the tears flooding down her cheeks. All this time, she had been in denial, hoping that everything wasn't real. Like a fictional story or a terrible lie.
She was nearing the casket and heard people crying at the background. And then she saw him. She saw him lying lifeless but looked as if he was just sleeping. So peacefully... She held his cold hand and broke down for it dawned on her.
You are dead. You really did leave me. Why? Why not even tell me that you didn't have much time to live?? You are so unfair! You are so unfair! You do not care if people will mourn for you. if I will cry for you! I miss you so much. I miss you Lei. I could've spent your remaining days with you. together! In Japan. We could've made it memorable. We could've done everything that we want. We could've.
Then Sancai stopped. She gave out a deep breath and with that, placed the flower in his hand and retreated at the back corner of the room.
Dao Ming Si came up and seated beside her. "How are you?" She did not reply, did not even look at him. "I know it is really hard for us. especially for you. Lei had been your redeemer since the start and you depended on him for comfort. Before anything even happened to us, I'm aware that it was him that you noticed first. Him that you liked. But more than that, you became best friends." He said in vain for Sancai was still not responsive. "We did fight often because of you," Ah Si gave out a little laugh. ".I'm really sorry Sancai. No one wanted this, even Lei. I heard that he didn't really know until it was too late. Please do take care of yourself. Life doesn't have to end just 'coz someone else's did. I'm sure Lei wouldn't want to see you that way."
Just like how he treated Qing He, Sancai simply stared at Ah Si, without even blinking, as if to say Is that what you want to tell me? Go away. I don't need you right now. Leave me alone. She didn't even wipe her tears. Ah Si took the hint and hesitantly left her. There she stayed for hours, sulking in her own depression, staring at space or at the casket. She refused to eat or interact with anyone.
At about 4:30, a man in his late 40's, wearing a suit and carrying a box, accompanied by Qing He came over to her. "Excuse me miss," he said. "if I'm not mistaken you must be Sancai." She smiled a little bit to show courtesy. "I'm Hua ze Jian, Lei's father. I know it's shattering for us all what happened to him but I'm sure he's happy wherever he may be right now. Anyway, before left, he included in his will that you get this box. He told me to give you the box no matter what." the man explained. "I know that the things here are very precious for him so I hope you take care of them."
The box was quite big so Qing He took the cue and carried it for her. "Thank you." was all she can say.
After the man left, Sancai stood up and said to Qing He "Will you please drive me to Ying de?" His friend could only nod in accordance. Those were the first words that she had said to him since Lei's death.
As expected, Sancai went to the rooftop, the special place that Lei and her shared. The afternoon was beautiful and she could see the leaves fall from the trees, much like the vivid vision she had the other night. She felt the cool breeze and remembered the wonderful moments she had with with him, up there, when he was still alive. It was only then that Sancai realized Lei's value in her life and how important he was to her. Only then, after he passed away.
Qing He put down the box between the two of them and with Sancai, admired the view she was so familiar with.
"You know what, I really love it here. " Qing He was surprised by Sancai's sudden change of mood as she said that. So calm and composed. "I remember, I used to curse the F4 pigheads from up here where the whole world can hear. This was also where I first encountered Lei. He was the quiet one." she continued with a peaceful look on her face as Qing He attentively listened. "He even lent me his hanky when I was crying. since then, this had been our place of refuge. a place so special for both of us. I think it was here that we became friends, here that I knew he would forever be there no matter what." and then the brightness on her face disappeared. "But now he's gone. He'd left me. Actually, I'm not just sad, I'm mad at him too. for keeping from me his illness. It still bothers me. There are so many questions left unanswered. Why? Why did he not even tell me? Why did he not fight his sickness? Why did he have to die?!!" She started to raise her voice and tears began to dwell in her eyes again. It then flowed down continuously, on its own. All that time, she still wasn't looking at Qing He but at the scene in front of them, as if wanting the trees, the sky and the pavement to hear her resentments.
"He is so unfair. So unfair!!" she said with bitterness in her eyes. "He told me before that whenever I'm feeling down, alone or crying, he'd wipe my tears and hold my hand. He promised me he'd be by my side no matter what! He promised me Qing He!! He did!! But where is he now??? Where??? Where are you Lei?" she started shouting. "Lei!! You're a liar!! You left me!! I'm now at the end of the road but where are you?? I thought I'd find you here but I don't see you around!!"
Sancai was almost crying hysterically so Qing He had to interrupt. "Sancai, I'm sure Hua ze Lei didn't want to this to happen too. I'm sure that given a choice, he wouldn't choose to die because he knows that you need him. If he didn't tell you about his condition, maybe it's because he knows that you would insist to be with him and he doesn't want you to see him weak. He's your savior, your knight in his shining armor and he wants to keep that image of him for you. He did not leave you Sancai, he never will. You won't see him, yes, but it doesn't mean he won't be there. You can't see the gods but you know they're around. You can't see love but you know it exists. because you feel it. Just feel Hua ze Lei and you'd realize he never left you at all."
Sancai was taken aback by what Qing He said. The words cut through her like a knife and made her feel guilty about her judgment on Lei. She slowly sat down and rested her back against the wall, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. Her friend sat beside her too. Between them is the box that Lei's father handed her.
She stared at it for a long time before unhurriedly opening the top, removing the packaging tape slowly, careful not to tear the carton. Inside, she found the things that Lei wanted her to keep. His violin, enclosed in its casing, polished, yet overused. A white cotton hanky with his name embroidered on it. A Discman with a CD inside. A brown beat-up notebook in a sealed plastic bag and lastly, an envelope. By instinct, she picked up the envelope, opened it and read the letter.
My dear Sancai,
By the time you read this, I've already gone to the other side. I apologize for not telling you about it but I knew it was for the best.
This will be the first and the last time I'm going to write a letter this long and I hope you'd take time to read it.
I'm also aware that you are probably crying right now. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to. The cancer cells in my blood had already spread beyond control when I found out about it. I guess Yesha is even luckier because she was cured. This past two months I spent in the hospital and in my room, doing everything to make the leukemia go away, to make the pain go away. But it was too late.
The other things that I left for you are very special to me. I hope that you take care of them for I know that it is only you that deserve to keep them. My violin had been an extension of myself and I'm giving it to you so you'll never forget me.
The white handkerchief you may use when you cry. I know I won't be around anymore to wipe your tears off but my legacy will live on through it. it may not be enough but it would do.
The disc in the player is a compilation of music that I played and recorded so you can still listen to me play the violin even when I leave. I'm sorry if most are melancholic but as they say, music is an expression of our innermost feelings.
You'd find out the significance of the brown notebook later.
But that's not the reason why I wrote to you. I think this will be my last chance to tell you how I feel. About you, about us.
I'm sorry Sancai. I love you. I know it's too late but at least you heard it from me personally.
How funny is it that we spent so much time together yet you were never really aware about how I truly feel. You can ask Ah Mei, she knows. She knows that since the very moment I saw, you, I knew there's something special. But at that time I was still blinded with my affection for Jing. Jing whom I loved unconditionally yet neglected me and broke my heart.
I'm a coward, Sancai. I know I am. If there's one thing that I regret in this world, it would be that I did not fight for the one love.
Yes, I may have fought for Jing but I lost. With you however, I was so scared of hurting all of us that I did not give myself a chance. I may have kissed you and asked to go to Japan with me but that's how far I could get. And now you can only know the emotions that I've kept in my heart for so long through this letter. Now that I'm gone.
I think that a lot of it has to do with Ah Si. He's my best friend and it made it all harder.
I'm aware that in the beginning, it was I that you had your heart for, not Ah Si. I remember so clearly how you would praise me whenever I played violin or when I defended you from those who wanted to hurt you. But I was cold. and did not give you the time of the day.
I'm such a fool. A coward and fool. They say that's not such a nice combination.
Do you remember when we were at the beach that night? I was really thankful you came and stayed with me. I was shattered beyond my mind I had thoughts of ending my life, of drowning myself. But no, like an angel you came and salvaged me from my madness. It made me realize that there's still hope. that somebody still cares.
You let me rest my head on your shoulders and cry. For the first time, someone saw me in such a condition. A state of absolute helplessness, like that of a child trapped in a pit.
And when I asked why wasn't it just you that I loved, I meant it. I really did. But not anymore. Because I fell for you, I did love you. I really did. I still do.
If you will ask if ever I was jealous of you and Ah Si, the earth can swallow me now if I deny it. I was dead jealous. Whenever we are all together, you have no idea how hard it is for me to even keep a straight face. It hurt, so much. I do not know how I even managed it but I'm Hua ze Lei, the cold and heartless Hua ze Lei. Lei who didn't care about other people's business. Lei who only had eyes for Ten Tang Jing. They were wrong.
You know how I often told you that if you do not want your tears to fall, you can just stand on your hands? Well, it doesn't work for me anymore. I am not embarrassed to admit that I did cried for you San cai. Every night, at my bedroom window, I would stare at the sky and the stars, thinking about what you may be doing. How happy you and my friend Ah Si are, together.
The tears will just dwell up in my eyes. At first I tried to stop them but I always failed, I always do. Why am I such a failure? I failed to have Jing, I failed to confess to you my love, I failed to make this sickness go away.
It's lonely here in Japan, cold and lonely. Just like Hua ze Lei. I never allow them to see me get hurt though inside I feel like I'm ripping apart. I would just curl up like a baby and bite my lips so hard blood would drip, to lessen the unbearable pain.
Come to think of it, it's not only my body that hurts, my whole being too. The only things that keep me strong are the wonderful memories I had with F3. I had with you. I keep playing them over and over in my head like a movie and ponder about what is it that I'd done wrong. about what could have been.
Remember when we went up to the rooftop and watched the fireworks? Even when I was alone, I did that. I made hopeful wishes that the angels could hear. Secretly hoped that you would love me like you do Ah Si. Hoped that I could spend time with you without holding back anything. I guess they did not heed my call.
When I saw you pass out at the sauna, I was so scared. I tried to remain calm and get you out of there fast. I'm glad I did. But right after that, when you saw Ah Si and Xiao Tse together, you were devastated. I remember you asked if you might lean on my back and cry. Of course you can, you always could. I wanted so badly to hold you in my arms and tell you everything's going to be fine. Wanted to kiss you and mend your broken heart. But I couldn't. I was afraid you would push me away.
I admit it was difficult for me to tell Ah Si to propose to you at that church in Barcelona. Not only because it brought back bad memories about Jing's rejection but also because he would fulfill that which I wasn't able to do. But if it was for Sancai's happiness, so be it. I've kept silent for so long because I know, in my heart, that you are meant to be with Ah Si. That whatever I do, you will never be as happy with me.
Dao Ming Si lost his memory and the least that I could do was stand by your side. I just waited 'til you came to me and shared about your troubles. You always told me I was your savior and I thank you for believing in me so much, for trusting our friendship.
You always ran away but I'm glad I always found you too. The moments that we shared when I followed you at the countryside are some of the best in my life. I once told Ah Mei how I fell in love with the violin. When I was younger, I couldn't believe how a small box of wood could produce such beautiful music. And I learnt it. Day and night I would practice until I got it perfect. But my fingers hurt, they got calloused. and they bled. But the more they bled the more I fell in love with it.
She realized that I wasn't talking about the violin, I was talking about you.
Sancai, all these times I've remained a mere wallflower. I guess even in my death I'd continue to be one. The quiet one amongst the F4 who didn't speak much. The detached, unaffectionate one who ignored even the girls who came up to him. They can call me anything they want except that I was selfish. You know I wasn't.
I know I promised that I would be with you no matter what and I vow to keep it. When you feel like no one cares and you want to curse the world, just go to "our" rooftop and talk to me. I would be listening. Or you may just close your eyes and feel me in the air. I would always be there. After you've finished this, you may start with the notebook. It took years to write.
I do not hate the world. Anger is not what I feel. I blame no one for what happened to me so you must not too. Sancai, death is not the end. We'd see each other again. You are a wild grass, be strong. And though I would not depart delighted, I feel peace in my heart. I would finally be free. To see you joyful would surely bring me gladness. Take care always of yourself.
I love you.
Lei
Sancai was clearly stunned and overwhelmed by what she had read. For a while, she was slack-jawed gazing at the letter. She was not aware that Lei loved her that much. The sky had turned orange for the sun was already setting. It was a truly lovely sight and she wished that her best friend could see it. She played the CD and picked up the brown notebook, slowly lifted the cover and there in the first page read:
It was the first day of classes when I noticed her. The girl in pigtails whom I heard came from a middle class family. She obviously looked out of place but I've never seen a girl as courageous as her in a long time. No fancy hair, no signature clothes, just her plain self. The only person in Yingde who rides a scooter. Her name was Sancai.
And in that diary, Lei revealed how he saw Sancai in every detail, since the very beginning until before he passed away. Their encounters, his thoughts, all written candidly and with all honesty. She had the privilege of knowing how Lei thinks when he's by himself and the world was not watching. Some parts were even blotted, clearly what was left of teardrops that had gone dry. She laughed, she cried, she even laughed while crying but she felt a certain peace overcome her. Somehow, her view on Lei's death changed and made her accept the fate that he had. And suddenly, in the middle of her reading, as if Lei is trying to assure her, fireworks lit up and painted with magical hues the evening sky.
The end.
This is it. I've waited for so long to write a complete fanfiction and finally, here is the result. This is the first fanfic that I've ever written. Ever. So please bear with me if it may not be too "perfect". This takes place about a year after MG2. I'm a huge Hua ze Lei fan (and of course zaizai) but this story isn't quite what you'd expect. A one-shot fic, a little too melancholic, with many what if's. I'm a masochist who likes making myself cry and in fairness, I cried buckets while I was writing this. I really hope you'd enjoy reading it and if you liked (or hated) the story, please feel free to comment. Also, please inform me first if you want to post it in another site. Thank you!
-red star
Hua ze Lei's Confessions
It was 9 o'clock in the evening and Sancai just got back from work at the traveling agency. She was already very tired and sleepy, lying on her bed, still clad in her uniform when her mobile phone rang. "Hello?" "Did I wake up my workaholic friend?" A familiar voice on the other line spoke, which stirred excitement in her and made her sit up. "Hua ze lei!"
It's one of her best friends who was currently in Japan. "Hey! How are you? Anything wrong?" answered her, wondering why he called up. "Do I need to have a problem to call you up? Don't worry, I'd go look for one." he jokingly said.
It is very rare for the cold Lei to crack jokes and Sancai knows that very well. "Nothing, just thought I'm missing your voice already. So how's Ah Si and the rest doing?" he continued. "The F3 are great. Ximen is busy with his work and Meizhuo is, well, still his own self. Ah Si and I aren't talking though. I'm still recovering from the break up."
Lei was quiet for a long time and seemed to be in deep thoughts. "Sancai," he then said. "do not give up on Ah Si. It may seem hard for now but everything's going to be OK. Maybe it's good that you are trying to find yourselves first but in the end, when you do, you'd see that you really belong to each other."
Sancai was really moved by what Lei said. "How I wish I could be there. " His voice sounded unusually sleepy as if he wasn't feeling well and Sancai noticed the change. "Are you sick? You do not sound so good. What are you doing in Japan anyway? It's been two months now!" San Cai asked, chiding him kiddingly. "Well, I'm helping my dad with our business. He said I need to learn the dealings now just like Ximen. I just have a little sore throat but I'm taking my medicine, mother Sancai." he teased. "I'm not sure when I will return but while I'm gone, make sure that you'd take care of yourself, ok? Know that I'm always right here."
Sancai found it amusing for Lei to say those words because he usually is impassive but was touched anyway. "OK. You too. I miss you."
1 week after
Ximen, Meizhuo and Qing He came rushing inside the building where Sancai worked, looking for her. "Where's Sancai?" asked Meizhuo to the receptionist who quickly recognized who they were. The skinny lady wearing thick glasses in her mid-30's made a call through the intercom and a couple of minutes later Sancai came down from the stairs with a big smile on her face.
"Hey Ximen! Meizhuo! What are you doing here at this time of the day? Qing He?! You too! Don't you guys have work?"
Noticing the worried look on their faces she became serious and anxious too. "Why, what's the matter? Did something happen? Where's Ah Si??" "Come with us outside" Meizhuo said as he tried to keep a straight face and seated Sancai in a chair. Qing He held her hand and squeezed it tightly. This made her much more uneasy.
Ximen took a deep breath and readied himself for his revelation. Droplets of sweat fell down from his forehead as he looked Sancai in the eyes. Tears dwelled up at the corners of his eyes, his lips began to tremble as he tried to speak. This made Sancai more nervous and almost screamed to them "What happened?! Is it Ah si?! Tell me! Tell me!! Qing He, what's the matter?!"
"No Sancai, it's not about Ah si. He is in fact, on his way here." he swallowed hard. "It's about Lei." Sancai's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "I'm sorry. He passed away yesterday. His father contacted us." Ximen further explained but Sancai didn't hear the words any longer. She felt like being vacuumed from where she was seated as if time stopped. Suddenly, everything seemed blurred and her surroundings were just a mix of hues. Qing He shook her hand and salvaged her from totally passing out.
When she came back to her senses, in utter disbelief, she laughed and told Ximen "Stop fooling around. Not now. C'mon, tell me what happened! Don't say Hua ze lei died! Haha!" Realizing no one was laughing with her, she grabbed Ximen's elbows and shook him violently while continuously saying those words. By that time, she was already sobbing and shouting.
".Don't say Hua ze Lei died!!" Meizhuo had to restrain her for Ximen wasn't doing anything to protect himself. During this commotion Ah Si arrived and tried to calm Sancai down. "Enough, enough!" He said holding her arm. She stopped but looked at him furiously before running away to the street. "Sancai!" Qing He called out and chased her. The F3 stayed, still stunned from what just took place.
"I heard what happened. Why? Why didn't he tell us?" asked Ah Si of the two. Because Ximen was still staring at space and speechless, Meizhuo took the liberty of answering his friend's query. "We do not know. Apparently, he had no idea that he had leukemia until about three months ago. He went to his parents in Japan and underwent some tests there, looking for possible cure. Unfortunately, the cancer was in its final stage and it was already too late. I guess Lei didn't want us to think he's frail. or dying."
At Sancai's bedroom that night
Sancai locked herself up in her room. It had no lights on, no ventilation but the windows were left opened. She did not even bother changing her clothes and was lying awake on the bed. Her Ma and Pa kept on knocking on the door, urging her to open it because they were worried she might do something to herself. They found out about the unfortunate story from Qing He who brought Sancai's things from the office and told them what happened.
"SanCai! Open the door please. We want to talk to you!" Her parents tried unlocking the knob but to no avail. Sancai locked herself in the room, locked her spirit within.
Lei. Lei is dead. These thoughts had been hunting her since that afternoon. How could it be when only a few days ago I was talking with him? He didn't sound so fine but it was him at the other end of the line. Him who had been my support since the very beginning. Him who lent his shoulders whenever I felt like crying. Him who always found me whenever I tried to run away from it all. That moment, she felt like running away again but couldn't. She knew that no one would look for her the way that he does. The way that he did.
She was still laying awake, pillow wet from crying, eyes sore from continuous flow of tears that never seemed to run dry. Her mobile phone rang and eagerly, she sat up and answered it, secretly hoping that it would be Lei. That he would clear the news and confirm that it was just some nasty rumor with no truth to it.
"Hello??" she answered enthusiastically. "Sancai!! You're awake!! This is Qing He. I was so worried about you. Did you get your things? I brought. Hello? Sancai?" Before he could even continue, Sancai cut the line and sank back to her depressed state.
The room seemed smaller yet colder. She could see the sky from where she laid and wondered why there were no stars. For a moment, she reminisced the times when Lei and her would spend the night at the rooftop and would watch the fireworks that lit up the night sky. Different colors, different shapes, like a piece of art not meant to be seen again, captured only for a few seconds. She closed her eyes and made a wish. Whoever it is listening, please bring Hua ze Lei back to me.
Tip, tap, tip, tap. She opened her eyes and saw that the fireworks were gone. They were but mere illusions after all. Instead, the rain started pouring, first gently then gushed out like a little troop of warriors pounding on their roof. Even the clouds are mourning with me. This made her even gloomier and slowly started to succumb to the call of the slumber.
The next day, she found herself at the rooftop of Ying De, overlooking the familiar view the two of them shared. The trees with their yellow falling leaves and the pavement covered with those that have let the wind take them. Fall used to be her favorite season but at that moment, she didn't find anything romantic in the sight. It was just so. sad. Sancai couldn't stop her tears from falling and wanted so badly to yell at the world, yell at Lei. Suddenly, her mobile rang. She vowed never to answer anyone while she's still at their sacred space and was about to reject the call when she realized the name on the screen.
"Hello?" she answered with uncertainty.
"Why are you crying?" said the person on the other line whom she recognized instantly. Her heart beat fast. "Lei, is that you? I. I thought.. "
"I'm dead? Ha! That's just a prank we played on you. I knew you'd believe it!!" teased Lei.
"But.. but." grasping the idea, she gave out a smile. "How dare you! Don't you ever do that to me again!! You scared me to death!! Don't come near me or I'd punch you!" and giggled with relief. He's alive. "Where are you anyway?" queried her, palms sweating with anticipation.
"Why are you wearing white again? Didn't I tell you it doesn't suit you?" said Lei without answering her question. "And have I told you that I miss seeing you in pigtailed-braids? You let your hair down again."
Realizing that she was being watched by him, she looked around to search for Lei and found him at the entrance of the floor, leaning against the wall. "Why won't you wipe your tears already? No need to be sad. I'm here. And by the way, I'm treating you to lunch, I owe you." he said still on the phone as he approached her, much like when they saw each other at the cafe.
"Lei!!" Sancai excitedly shouted and hugged her best friend as tight as she could. "Don't you ever do that again, OK? I mean it." She hit his chest lightly and tried to look mad but couldn't. She was overwhelmed with happiness.
They both sat at the platform and started joking around. "Have I told you before that I wanted to fly like a bird? To go places without ever touching the ground and feeling light and free and just. happy." Sancai just smiled. He is with me now, nothing more to be afraid of. "I believe I could actually do that. See." without warning, Lei jumped from the roof and Sancai was so shocked to even react. "Lei!! Lei!! Lei!!" She was breathing heavy when she sat up from the bed and woke up. It was all just a dream.
Sancai surveyed her surroundings and realized that it was already 8 o'clock. The sun was up and the street outside was busy. An urge within told her to move fast because there's work to do but she was so tired and depressed, she didn't feel like getting up. She hadn't even eaten since lunch the day before but somehow her appetite, along with her friend, had gone. As she passed by her mirror, she caught a glimpse of a totally messed- up girl. Eyes puff from incessant crying, clothes still from work the day before and hair all tangled. She did not care.
However, she needed to go to the bathroom and when she opened the door, her parents were already waiting for her at the dining table with concerned look on their faces. "Sancai! You're awake!" said her mama. "Do you want anything to eat? I've prepared breakfast for you." She ignored her and seemed lost on her way to the bath, taking small, slow, steps.
"Are you going to work? I can bring you there if you want." asked her papa. They have been trying to avoid the topic but it seemed that Sancai was lost in space.
"Master Hua ze Lei's remains will arrive later this noon. The wake is at the funerary. Visitors will be allowed tomorrow." her mother firmly said as if to bring her back to reality. True enough, she was stopped at her tracks and shaken for a moment by the information. Lei's remains. Funerary. Sancai tried hard to comprehend the connection between those words. She continued walking to the bathroom though and slowly closed the door behind her.
The next day at mid-morning
Qing He rang the bell at the Dong's residence and Sancai's ma answered the door with a smile. "Oh Qing He! How are you? Please wait for Sancai, she's on her way out."
Then she lowered her voice held his hand and anxiously whispered on his ear "I know you're her best friend so please look after her. Since she found out about the death of Master Hua ze Lei, she hadn't been acting normal. She wouldn't eat, would lock herself in her room and wouldn't talk with anyone, not even with F3. Her pa and I are really afraid for her safety. Afraid that she might do something to hurt herself."
"I know. She wouldn't answer my calls, good thing you arranged for me to accompany her in the wake. I know a lot of us were really affected by Lei's death but Sancai seems to be the most shattered. The F3 are really concerned too. Don't worry, I'll never leave her side. I'll take care of her. I know that I can never take Hua ze Lei's place but I'd do my best to stand by her side." confidently answered Qing He.
Just as he said this, Sancai came over to them, still looking glum, holding a single stem of flower. Her white blouse looked lovely in her though she paired it with jeans. Because of the dream, she wore her hair in pigtailed- braids, wishfully thinking that it may please Lei and come back to her. She did not say a word to her ma or to Qing He and went straight to his car. "Please look after her." "OK, Mrs. Dong. I'll protect her. We'll go ahead now. Bye bye." He gave out a little wave as he bid farewell.
On the way to the wake, Sancai was yet again lost in her thoughts. The car windows were opened and the wind was blowing against her face. Lei. I can't believe you're doing this to me. She wasn't even crying, just looking real sad and in disbelief, and somehow in denial of what was happening.
She saw the autumn flowers by the roadside, in their full glory and beauty but couldn't seem to appreciate them. This made her smell the flower in her hand, a yellow one that resembled a sunflower. Saw the birds flying free making her recall what he said in the dream. I thought you want to fly like a bird! How could you now? You're dead.
Qing He was getting uncomfortable so to break the awkward silence, he turned the radio on and Kavana's song was playing.
. And if I promise not to feel this pain Will I see you again? Will I see you again?
'Coz time would pass me by Maybe I'll never learn to smile But I know I'll make it through If you wait for me, will you wait for me? And all the tears I cried No matter how I tried I'll never bring you home to me Won't you wait for me. in heaven.
Sancai just stared at the stereo and tears started falling down. No sobs, no heavy breathing. Just warm tears, streaming down her cheeks, trying to wash away the coldness that she feels inside. Realizing what he'd done, Qing He turned it off. "Sancai." he sighed. "I made you cry again. I'm sorry."
Her response was to look at him slowly, stare for a few seconds without saying a single word and then looking away again towards the window.
It took them half an hour before they got out of the car when they arrived at the funerary. Qing He waited patiently for Sancai to make the first move and stayed with her inside the vehicle. After what seemed to be an eternity, she quietly got out of the car and Qing He quickly followed.
Outside the door, there were dozens of flowers from people whose identities did not matter to Lei. There were also the miniature carton houses, cars, planes, money and other things that will be burnt after, which the Chinese believe would be brought by the departed with them at the afterlife.
As they entered the room, Sancai was overwhelmed by the strong scent of the burning incense, as if they were inside a temple. Everybody seemed to be in white. She noticed Meizhuo, Ximen and Ah Si talking with other people but they did not come near her. They did approach Qing He however, and asked him questions in hush voices, none of which mattered to her.
Standing at the center aisle like a bride about to take her walk, she noticed people staring at her. People who became but a blur. Heard conversations that all contained his name. Conversations that were reduced to a buzz. Everything seemed to be in white, even the casket that awaited her at the end of the walkway. It seemed so distant, but it was just a few meters from where she was standing.
Holding a wedelia, one which she picked out at their garden herself, she strode forward, taking small, heavy steps for her feet couldn't seem to move on its own. She was shaking. Time stopped. She could see his portrait that was situated beside the opened casket, with his usual emotion-less look but she could see a hint of smile.
Tell me this is only a dream. Call me up again and say that it's just an elaborate hoax that you played on me! Stand up and make fun of me for believing what they all said!! Get up Lei!! Get up!
But he didn't. She too did not notice the tears flooding down her cheeks. All this time, she had been in denial, hoping that everything wasn't real. Like a fictional story or a terrible lie.
She was nearing the casket and heard people crying at the background. And then she saw him. She saw him lying lifeless but looked as if he was just sleeping. So peacefully... She held his cold hand and broke down for it dawned on her.
You are dead. You really did leave me. Why? Why not even tell me that you didn't have much time to live?? You are so unfair! You are so unfair! You do not care if people will mourn for you. if I will cry for you! I miss you so much. I miss you Lei. I could've spent your remaining days with you. together! In Japan. We could've made it memorable. We could've done everything that we want. We could've.
Then Sancai stopped. She gave out a deep breath and with that, placed the flower in his hand and retreated at the back corner of the room.
Dao Ming Si came up and seated beside her. "How are you?" She did not reply, did not even look at him. "I know it is really hard for us. especially for you. Lei had been your redeemer since the start and you depended on him for comfort. Before anything even happened to us, I'm aware that it was him that you noticed first. Him that you liked. But more than that, you became best friends." He said in vain for Sancai was still not responsive. "We did fight often because of you," Ah Si gave out a little laugh. ".I'm really sorry Sancai. No one wanted this, even Lei. I heard that he didn't really know until it was too late. Please do take care of yourself. Life doesn't have to end just 'coz someone else's did. I'm sure Lei wouldn't want to see you that way."
Just like how he treated Qing He, Sancai simply stared at Ah Si, without even blinking, as if to say Is that what you want to tell me? Go away. I don't need you right now. Leave me alone. She didn't even wipe her tears. Ah Si took the hint and hesitantly left her. There she stayed for hours, sulking in her own depression, staring at space or at the casket. She refused to eat or interact with anyone.
At about 4:30, a man in his late 40's, wearing a suit and carrying a box, accompanied by Qing He came over to her. "Excuse me miss," he said. "if I'm not mistaken you must be Sancai." She smiled a little bit to show courtesy. "I'm Hua ze Jian, Lei's father. I know it's shattering for us all what happened to him but I'm sure he's happy wherever he may be right now. Anyway, before left, he included in his will that you get this box. He told me to give you the box no matter what." the man explained. "I know that the things here are very precious for him so I hope you take care of them."
The box was quite big so Qing He took the cue and carried it for her. "Thank you." was all she can say.
After the man left, Sancai stood up and said to Qing He "Will you please drive me to Ying de?" His friend could only nod in accordance. Those were the first words that she had said to him since Lei's death.
As expected, Sancai went to the rooftop, the special place that Lei and her shared. The afternoon was beautiful and she could see the leaves fall from the trees, much like the vivid vision she had the other night. She felt the cool breeze and remembered the wonderful moments she had with with him, up there, when he was still alive. It was only then that Sancai realized Lei's value in her life and how important he was to her. Only then, after he passed away.
Qing He put down the box between the two of them and with Sancai, admired the view she was so familiar with.
"You know what, I really love it here. " Qing He was surprised by Sancai's sudden change of mood as she said that. So calm and composed. "I remember, I used to curse the F4 pigheads from up here where the whole world can hear. This was also where I first encountered Lei. He was the quiet one." she continued with a peaceful look on her face as Qing He attentively listened. "He even lent me his hanky when I was crying. since then, this had been our place of refuge. a place so special for both of us. I think it was here that we became friends, here that I knew he would forever be there no matter what." and then the brightness on her face disappeared. "But now he's gone. He'd left me. Actually, I'm not just sad, I'm mad at him too. for keeping from me his illness. It still bothers me. There are so many questions left unanswered. Why? Why did he not even tell me? Why did he not fight his sickness? Why did he have to die?!!" She started to raise her voice and tears began to dwell in her eyes again. It then flowed down continuously, on its own. All that time, she still wasn't looking at Qing He but at the scene in front of them, as if wanting the trees, the sky and the pavement to hear her resentments.
"He is so unfair. So unfair!!" she said with bitterness in her eyes. "He told me before that whenever I'm feeling down, alone or crying, he'd wipe my tears and hold my hand. He promised me he'd be by my side no matter what! He promised me Qing He!! He did!! But where is he now??? Where??? Where are you Lei?" she started shouting. "Lei!! You're a liar!! You left me!! I'm now at the end of the road but where are you?? I thought I'd find you here but I don't see you around!!"
Sancai was almost crying hysterically so Qing He had to interrupt. "Sancai, I'm sure Hua ze Lei didn't want to this to happen too. I'm sure that given a choice, he wouldn't choose to die because he knows that you need him. If he didn't tell you about his condition, maybe it's because he knows that you would insist to be with him and he doesn't want you to see him weak. He's your savior, your knight in his shining armor and he wants to keep that image of him for you. He did not leave you Sancai, he never will. You won't see him, yes, but it doesn't mean he won't be there. You can't see the gods but you know they're around. You can't see love but you know it exists. because you feel it. Just feel Hua ze Lei and you'd realize he never left you at all."
Sancai was taken aback by what Qing He said. The words cut through her like a knife and made her feel guilty about her judgment on Lei. She slowly sat down and rested her back against the wall, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. Her friend sat beside her too. Between them is the box that Lei's father handed her.
She stared at it for a long time before unhurriedly opening the top, removing the packaging tape slowly, careful not to tear the carton. Inside, she found the things that Lei wanted her to keep. His violin, enclosed in its casing, polished, yet overused. A white cotton hanky with his name embroidered on it. A Discman with a CD inside. A brown beat-up notebook in a sealed plastic bag and lastly, an envelope. By instinct, she picked up the envelope, opened it and read the letter.
My dear Sancai,
By the time you read this, I've already gone to the other side. I apologize for not telling you about it but I knew it was for the best.
This will be the first and the last time I'm going to write a letter this long and I hope you'd take time to read it.
I'm also aware that you are probably crying right now. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to. The cancer cells in my blood had already spread beyond control when I found out about it. I guess Yesha is even luckier because she was cured. This past two months I spent in the hospital and in my room, doing everything to make the leukemia go away, to make the pain go away. But it was too late.
The other things that I left for you are very special to me. I hope that you take care of them for I know that it is only you that deserve to keep them. My violin had been an extension of myself and I'm giving it to you so you'll never forget me.
The white handkerchief you may use when you cry. I know I won't be around anymore to wipe your tears off but my legacy will live on through it. it may not be enough but it would do.
The disc in the player is a compilation of music that I played and recorded so you can still listen to me play the violin even when I leave. I'm sorry if most are melancholic but as they say, music is an expression of our innermost feelings.
You'd find out the significance of the brown notebook later.
But that's not the reason why I wrote to you. I think this will be my last chance to tell you how I feel. About you, about us.
I'm sorry Sancai. I love you. I know it's too late but at least you heard it from me personally.
How funny is it that we spent so much time together yet you were never really aware about how I truly feel. You can ask Ah Mei, she knows. She knows that since the very moment I saw, you, I knew there's something special. But at that time I was still blinded with my affection for Jing. Jing whom I loved unconditionally yet neglected me and broke my heart.
I'm a coward, Sancai. I know I am. If there's one thing that I regret in this world, it would be that I did not fight for the one love.
Yes, I may have fought for Jing but I lost. With you however, I was so scared of hurting all of us that I did not give myself a chance. I may have kissed you and asked to go to Japan with me but that's how far I could get. And now you can only know the emotions that I've kept in my heart for so long through this letter. Now that I'm gone.
I think that a lot of it has to do with Ah Si. He's my best friend and it made it all harder.
I'm aware that in the beginning, it was I that you had your heart for, not Ah Si. I remember so clearly how you would praise me whenever I played violin or when I defended you from those who wanted to hurt you. But I was cold. and did not give you the time of the day.
I'm such a fool. A coward and fool. They say that's not such a nice combination.
Do you remember when we were at the beach that night? I was really thankful you came and stayed with me. I was shattered beyond my mind I had thoughts of ending my life, of drowning myself. But no, like an angel you came and salvaged me from my madness. It made me realize that there's still hope. that somebody still cares.
You let me rest my head on your shoulders and cry. For the first time, someone saw me in such a condition. A state of absolute helplessness, like that of a child trapped in a pit.
And when I asked why wasn't it just you that I loved, I meant it. I really did. But not anymore. Because I fell for you, I did love you. I really did. I still do.
If you will ask if ever I was jealous of you and Ah Si, the earth can swallow me now if I deny it. I was dead jealous. Whenever we are all together, you have no idea how hard it is for me to even keep a straight face. It hurt, so much. I do not know how I even managed it but I'm Hua ze Lei, the cold and heartless Hua ze Lei. Lei who didn't care about other people's business. Lei who only had eyes for Ten Tang Jing. They were wrong.
You know how I often told you that if you do not want your tears to fall, you can just stand on your hands? Well, it doesn't work for me anymore. I am not embarrassed to admit that I did cried for you San cai. Every night, at my bedroom window, I would stare at the sky and the stars, thinking about what you may be doing. How happy you and my friend Ah Si are, together.
The tears will just dwell up in my eyes. At first I tried to stop them but I always failed, I always do. Why am I such a failure? I failed to have Jing, I failed to confess to you my love, I failed to make this sickness go away.
It's lonely here in Japan, cold and lonely. Just like Hua ze Lei. I never allow them to see me get hurt though inside I feel like I'm ripping apart. I would just curl up like a baby and bite my lips so hard blood would drip, to lessen the unbearable pain.
Come to think of it, it's not only my body that hurts, my whole being too. The only things that keep me strong are the wonderful memories I had with F3. I had with you. I keep playing them over and over in my head like a movie and ponder about what is it that I'd done wrong. about what could have been.
Remember when we went up to the rooftop and watched the fireworks? Even when I was alone, I did that. I made hopeful wishes that the angels could hear. Secretly hoped that you would love me like you do Ah Si. Hoped that I could spend time with you without holding back anything. I guess they did not heed my call.
When I saw you pass out at the sauna, I was so scared. I tried to remain calm and get you out of there fast. I'm glad I did. But right after that, when you saw Ah Si and Xiao Tse together, you were devastated. I remember you asked if you might lean on my back and cry. Of course you can, you always could. I wanted so badly to hold you in my arms and tell you everything's going to be fine. Wanted to kiss you and mend your broken heart. But I couldn't. I was afraid you would push me away.
I admit it was difficult for me to tell Ah Si to propose to you at that church in Barcelona. Not only because it brought back bad memories about Jing's rejection but also because he would fulfill that which I wasn't able to do. But if it was for Sancai's happiness, so be it. I've kept silent for so long because I know, in my heart, that you are meant to be with Ah Si. That whatever I do, you will never be as happy with me.
Dao Ming Si lost his memory and the least that I could do was stand by your side. I just waited 'til you came to me and shared about your troubles. You always told me I was your savior and I thank you for believing in me so much, for trusting our friendship.
You always ran away but I'm glad I always found you too. The moments that we shared when I followed you at the countryside are some of the best in my life. I once told Ah Mei how I fell in love with the violin. When I was younger, I couldn't believe how a small box of wood could produce such beautiful music. And I learnt it. Day and night I would practice until I got it perfect. But my fingers hurt, they got calloused. and they bled. But the more they bled the more I fell in love with it.
She realized that I wasn't talking about the violin, I was talking about you.
Sancai, all these times I've remained a mere wallflower. I guess even in my death I'd continue to be one. The quiet one amongst the F4 who didn't speak much. The detached, unaffectionate one who ignored even the girls who came up to him. They can call me anything they want except that I was selfish. You know I wasn't.
I know I promised that I would be with you no matter what and I vow to keep it. When you feel like no one cares and you want to curse the world, just go to "our" rooftop and talk to me. I would be listening. Or you may just close your eyes and feel me in the air. I would always be there. After you've finished this, you may start with the notebook. It took years to write.
I do not hate the world. Anger is not what I feel. I blame no one for what happened to me so you must not too. Sancai, death is not the end. We'd see each other again. You are a wild grass, be strong. And though I would not depart delighted, I feel peace in my heart. I would finally be free. To see you joyful would surely bring me gladness. Take care always of yourself.
I love you.
Lei
Sancai was clearly stunned and overwhelmed by what she had read. For a while, she was slack-jawed gazing at the letter. She was not aware that Lei loved her that much. The sky had turned orange for the sun was already setting. It was a truly lovely sight and she wished that her best friend could see it. She played the CD and picked up the brown notebook, slowly lifted the cover and there in the first page read:
It was the first day of classes when I noticed her. The girl in pigtails whom I heard came from a middle class family. She obviously looked out of place but I've never seen a girl as courageous as her in a long time. No fancy hair, no signature clothes, just her plain self. The only person in Yingde who rides a scooter. Her name was Sancai.
And in that diary, Lei revealed how he saw Sancai in every detail, since the very beginning until before he passed away. Their encounters, his thoughts, all written candidly and with all honesty. She had the privilege of knowing how Lei thinks when he's by himself and the world was not watching. Some parts were even blotted, clearly what was left of teardrops that had gone dry. She laughed, she cried, she even laughed while crying but she felt a certain peace overcome her. Somehow, her view on Lei's death changed and made her accept the fate that he had. And suddenly, in the middle of her reading, as if Lei is trying to assure her, fireworks lit up and painted with magical hues the evening sky.
The end.