Author's Note: Before I say anything else, I'd just like you guys to know that I'm really happy that you like this series! When you start getting death threats from the readers, you know you've got something worth continuing. Anyhoo, this is the third part of my little series thingy, and just so you know, this is not the end. There's at least one more part coming up afterwards, and believe me, it's loaded with angst and sap and whatever. Sorry to keep dragging it on like this. I'm writing as fast as I can! ^_^
Wufei: *shakes head* Onna, all you do is sit around and write.
Kismet: Well, it's hard to do anything else when Lightmare-tachi keep threatening to kill me if I don't.
Wufei: Don't you have anything else to do?
Kismet: What, like my homework? Why would I want to do that? It's Christmas vacation! I have better things to do.
Wufei: *mumbles* Like torture people mercilessly?
Kismet: What was that?
Wufei: Nothing, onna.
by Kismet
[email protected]
**********
"We can do no great things -- only small things with great love."
~Mother Theresa
I'm afraid to close my eyes, because I keep thinking that when I open them again, I'll still be in my bed at the hospital. I'm sick of them -- sick of the food, sick of the people, sick of the medicine, sick of that hospital smell...basically, I'm sick of being sick. And if I had to spend one more endless day in that prison, I'd probably go mad.
I've had three chemotherapy treatments and I finally got released yesterday after receiving my last one. I have what's called acute promyelocytic leukemia, one of the more deadly cancers. So far I've been extremely lucky, though. I keep telling myself that it could be worse and that I should be grateful that I'm actually responding to the chemo.
Those words touch me much too deeply
And they make my core tremble. //
These days, most people with cancer can receive chemo in the form of pills, but I have to go into the hospital to get mine through an IV because my blood counts have to be closely monitored. It's a lot safer for me this way. After slipping into a coma the other day and pretty much scaring the hell out of Duo, the doctors have been all the more insistent about it.
When I get chemo, I usually go into the hospital for a few days and then I can come home and wait for it to kick in, which takes a couple more days. After that I usually end up feeling like I have the flu -- intensified about twenty times. It's not fun being sick, but at least I get the feeling that it's working a little.
The power you have over me
And please don't look at me like that. //
Right now I don't feel so bad because the chemo hasn't started effecting me yet. I expect that to happen in about a day or so. I'm tired, but I can't remember the last time I didn't feel tired, so it's nothing new. Being tired comes with the territory.
Today is different, though. I'm not as tired as I usually am. I think that's because I'm home in my own bed. Or maybe it's because I fell asleep at six o'clock last night and didn't wake up until two this afternoon. Whatever the case is, today is one of my better days. I'm not feeling sick at all. In fact, I feel downright cheerful. Days like these are few and far between, and I know to appreciate them while they last.
I attempt to roll over, but it's a bit of a struggle, as I've been buried under a mountain of blankets that Duo probably is responsible for. I'm extremely comfortable, but they kind of restrict my movement a little. Nonetheless, I finally roll over, snug in my warm cocoon, and contemplate Duo's empty spot in the bed.
He's probably in the garage working or something. If I listen hard enough, I can hear a muffled banging sound that faintly reverberates off the side of the house. Yep, that's my Duo-chan, trying to drown all his problems with work. Somehow the banging is very reassuring, knowing he's down there doing something so normal. Lately life hasn't been normal for us.
Sometimes I wonder what Duo really thinks about my cancer. I know it scares him a lot, and generally he prefers not to talk about it. Sometimes I want to talk about it, though. The whole situation reminds me of this quote I once read, something about how trying to ignore a terminal illness is like trying to ignore a purple elephant parked on your couch in your living room. Or maybe it was about alcoholism, not a terminal illness. I really can't remember exactly. In any case, there's no way around the elephant. You have to face it head on eventually.
In a way, Duo's not ignoring it. He's just dealing with it the best way he knows how: going overboard as usual. He's constantly going out of his way to do things for me when I'm perfectly content to have him just sit with me. He doesn't seem to realize that his presence in itself is reassuring. But he always does a great job of taking care of me and doing all the other stuff I usually do around the house. I don't know how he does it, but somehow he finds the time to make everything perfect.
It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow.
And please don't touch me like that,
It makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow. //
I grab his pillow, add it to the pile already under me, and proceed to bury my face in it. I love this pillow because it smells just like Duo does, a tasty combination of cedarwood and vanilla. I breathe in and savor the scent. Ahh...bliss. Of course, a pillow is definitely not as good as having the real thing, but it'll tide me over for a while. Knowing Duo, he'll come up to check on me soon, so it's not like I'll have a long time to wait for him.
I sigh happily and look around the room. It's a small bedroom, but I still like it. It's warm and cozy, with a big bed, a fireplace, and a slippery wooden floor. Pictures cover the walls and the shelves -- pictures of Duo and a scowling Heero, one of Duo with Trowa and Quatre on L4 somewhere, one of Duo and me at the park, one with Sally and Wufei (an especially prized picture because Wufei's actually smiling), and yet another one with me and Relena at Christmas. And then there's Duo's most favorite picture of all, the one of me on our nightstand. He loves it, but I hate it because it's me at one of my worst moments. He snapped it the second I woke up one Saturday morning before my hair fell out -- sitting up with a dazed expression, clad in sweats, complete with tousled bedhead.
"Hilde wakes up with the sun," he likes to call it. I wanted to get rid of it, but one sad look from those indigo eyes reduced me to a pile of simpering mush. Duo has the most irritating way of doing that whenever he wants to get away with something. And then there's me, letting him do it. He has that effect on me.
It just makes me want to be near you always. //
"I would never throw any picture of you away," he said defensively. I can't help but smile at the memory. The picture has stayed there ever since.
My gaze shifts from the picture to the small glass vase of flowers on the nightstand next to the phone. Duo strikes again. This time he's managed to get me some big yellow sunflowers -- my favorite kind, which is pretty funny because I didn't think he would remember. But he did.
How does he do that? How does he manage to get through every day like this? I bite my lip and wonder when he last took some time to actually sleep. I don't think he has since we fell asleep together in the hospital.
"Duo-chan, you need to sleep," I told him after I came out of the coma. "You look like you're about to collapse."
"No way," he said. "Look what happened the last time I did that."
They only whisper the sweet things you'd say.
Don't try to understand me,
You hands already know too much anyway. //
I remember what he looked like when I opened my eyes. He looked extremely pale and shaken, and I recall thinking that he looked almost as bad as I did. Somehow, though, he managed to give me the Maxwell grin anyway. It saddened me to see someone I love so much look so afraid. I hate putting him through this hell. I know what his past has been like, how he lost everyone and everything he ever loved. No wonder he's so manic about his hair.
Life has not been kind to my Duo. Now he's afraid he's going to lose me, too.
But that is not going to happen. I still have a ways to go before I'll be all the way through this, but my hope is still strong. My hair is going to grow back and Duo and I can go back to the way things were.
On an impulse, I reach over and grab the phone off the nightstand. When I first got sick a couple months ago, Duo devised a system so that he could keep an eye on me and get some work done at the same time. He keeps his cell phone with him at all times so that I can just pick up the phone if I need him for anything. It worked pretty well until I got too sick to even lift my arm. Those were dark days. Duo ended up dropping everything just to be with me because I needed him.
And I sure do need him now. I hit number one on the speed dial and listen to it ring a couple times, waiting for him to pick up.
Please know my heart is in your hands. //
He snaps up the phone almost immediately. "Hilde-babe? You okay?"
I smile and snuggle more deeply into my covers. In all the years we've been together, the novelty of just listening to his voice never wears off.
"Fine," I tell him.
"Is anything wrong? Is there anything I can get for you?"
My smile widens as I sense him go into worried-husband mode. Duo always gets so worked up over me. "Duo-chan, I'm fine. Really."
"Did the noise wake you up? I'm sorry..."
"Nope, not really," I say. "I just slept for twenty hours straight! I had to wake up sometime."
But when in your arms
You have complete power over me. //
He laughs. "Seriously, though...how do you feel?"
"I feel okay. Just a little lonely."
"Oh," he says, sounding pleased. "Well, then, I'll have to send someone up to keep you company, won't I?"
The door opens, and there's Duo, standing in the doorway with the phone in his hand. He looks tired, but he's smiling all the same.
I smile back. "Good service."
Duo grins, tosses the phone over his shoulder, and slips in bed beside me. "So you feel okay?"
Your hands are in my hair,
But my heart is in your teeth... //
"Yep," I answer as he carefully enfolds me in his arms. "Though I'll probably start feeling the effects of the chemo tomorrow."
He sighs a little and runs a finger down my cheek. "Try not to think about it. I'll be here when it happens."
I bury my face in his shoulder. "Good. That's all I want."
"Hey," Duo says, making me look back up. He's wiggling his eyebrows. "I have another surprise for you, Hilde-chan. Sally called this morning."
My heart almost stops. "And?"
He grins wide enough to burst both his cheeks. "She said the doctors took a look at your bone marrow biopsy and it looks like you're going into remission!"
I stare at him. Oh my God. Remission. The chemotherapy is working. The cancer's going away!
"Oh, God," is all I can think of to say.
"Everything's going to be okay," he says, kissing me. "You're going to get better soon."
Tears are blurring my vision now. "Oh my God, oh my God..."
"I couldn't wait to tell you," Duo's saying. "I didn't want to wake you up." He kisses me again, and this time I kiss back. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too," I murmur, still in shock. "So much."
I close my eyes. I'm in heaven. I'm tingling everywhere from shock and relief and Duo's affections. I close my eyes, and I think...that life can't possibly get any better than this.
**********
Wufei: Nani?! You mean this still isn't over?
Kismet: Well, I can't just let them live happily ever after, can I?
Wufei: Yes, you can.
Kismet: No, I can't.
Wufei: Can too.
Kismet: Can not!
Wufei: Can too!
Kismet: Oh, shut up and help me write the ending already, would you?
Wufei: *smirks* Ha, I won.
Kismet: No you didn't.
Wufei: Did too.
Kismet: *sigh*
