"Glass Eyes"

Yaoi, bad language. Don't own, don't sue.

++

When I look at him it's like I'm dying.

When he speaks all other sounds vanish, leaving only the rich, melodious timbres of his voice. I cannot look away and I cannot block him out. Flik is surrounded by a massive presence and if I get too close I get pulled in; I get lost in him. My boundaries of self dissolve and I become an insignificant part of him. I think that's what dying must be like -- going into to something greater... Loving someone.

But when he looks at me, he sees nothing. When I speak, he hears only the stupid babblings of a child. I want him to look at me -- I want him to see me. I want to be more to him than a reminder of his past. I want to be with him and, in a way, to be him.

"We are who we are," my mother used to say when she looked at me disdainfully. And I suppose that it's true. I couldn't change who I was, no matter how hard I tried. I don't like me; I have never wanted to be me. It seems like I have always tried to be like Flik, and, when that failed, be with him. When I met up with him again it was like a dream come true. Even though I could not be with him the way I so desperately wanted to be, I could be close to him, and that was enough.

At least, that was what I convinced myself. I have never been a courageous or confident man, only pretended to be when the situation would call for it... lying to myself was a necessary way of my life. If I was near Flik I longed to touch him, if only to see if I truly would turn to dust or disappear before him.

With Flik, it was never 'how could this person, who is everything I have ever wanted, be real?' But 'how could a creature like myself exist if there is someone like him, so perfect, in this world?' I worshipped him, loved him so fiercely that I wondered how my body could keep it all in, wondered how it was that I kept from bursting when he said my name or absently patted me on the shoulder. It almost didn't seem to matter that he looked at me with glass eyes, that his encouraging smile or laugh never quite reached his eyes.

I could tell the difference. Anybody could. One only had to watch him with Viktor to see real anger, humor, camaraderie... love. Flik's eyes would light up whenever the other man was around, but you wouldn't catch it if you didn't know him or if you hadn't spent hours studying him like I had. Only with Viktor did Flik seem happy and truly content. It was painful for me to see them together, and yet, I couldn't resent Viktor. He made the person I love happy and I couldn't blame him for wanting to be with him.

That didn't stop me from being jealous, though.

I saw them once, in the meeting hall when they thought no one else was there. Bent backward over a desk, I thought Viktor was going to take him right there. But Flik stopped him just as Viktor's hand disappeared beneath the waist of his pants. I was startled -- intrigued, and yet alarmed, my emotions spinning. But I couldn't move as I watched them, my only thoughts being of how I wished Flik would look at me like that. Blue eyes dark and smoldering, not noticing and not caring about anything but me. Oh, how I longed to touch him, then!

They were laughing as they passed me by, if they saw me they gave no notice. It was like I was nothing; like I was air. My heart cried out to him then, begging, pleading, and yearning, but like always, he didn't hear it. He never heard it.

In that instant I hated them both. How could they torment me like that? Could they not see the way it broke me?

Of course they couldn't. They couldn't even see me. But I don't think they would have stopped even if they could have. Love like that... Love like that had gone through more than I could ever put them through. I was doomed before I even started.

I used to wander the castle halls at night, too tired to move and yet too distressed to sleep. Inside the rooms I could hear people conversing, loving, just being with each other. For some reason it always used to pain me to hear a smothered laugh or tired groan, I think because they are intimate sounds one only makes around other people, sounds that had never had the chance to pass from my lips.

I was lonely, though I was hardly ever alone. Everyday I was around countless people, but I couldn't connect with any of them. It was like I was some lowly creature looking up at wonderful fantastic beings. I didn't belong there, and I knew that any second one of them was going to notice and shoo me away. Being near Flik didn't make that feeling go away. It made me feel...

...awed, appreciative... proud.

Proud, just that I shared something with him. Even if it was something so irrelevant as the same birthplace. Viktor didn't even have that.

Once, shortly after I spotted them in the meeting room, I saw Flik in the bar, by himself. I didn't often go in there -- I didn't drink, and it wasn't a place one really went to alone, that was why it surprised me to see Flik sitting in the back corner drinking a beer and speaking to no one but himself. With a fleeting sense of daring I approached him, asking about his well being.

"I'm fine," he said darkly, but then shook his head. "Sorry, take a seat. I didn't mean for it to come out like that." Flik gestured to the chair across from him, and, like I could do anything else, I accepted the man's offer.

"Do you want something to drink? I can get Leona out of the back," he said, and for the first time I realized that we were alone in the dark little room, all the bar's patrons gone back to their warm beds and even warmer bedmates, except for Flik and me.

I shook my head, not yet trusting myself to speak again. Flik sighed again. "That's right, you're still too young to drink, aren't you?"

"No," I replied quietly, the sound like it had been forcibly pulled from me. "I am, I just don't drink." Flik nodded his head and took a deep swig of his own beer. Taking a deep breath he said, "It's probably better that way. It's a bad habit to take up."

I nodded again and felt vaguely uncomfortable. He was treating me like a kid, more so than he usually did, probably because he was upset about something. I wondered if it wasn't too personal to ask about. Suppressing the surge of adrenaline that inevitably came when I spoke with him, I asked him, "Are you upset about something?" I never had much tact.

He looked up from his mug, studying my face intently. I hoped that none of what I was feeling was showing on my face, but then again, I always have been easy to read. But whatever he saw there he must have approved of, because he leaned back in his chair and sighed once more.

"I'm just having some problems with my personal life," Flik said and frowned.

Before I could stop myself, I blurted out something immeasurably stupid. "You mean with Viktor," I said, before I winced and slapped my hand over my mouth. For a moment Flik looked stunned, but then, to my total amazement, he smiled widely.

"Yeah, with Viktor," he replied. "Observant, aren't you?"

Just with you, I returned silently. I couldn't look him in the eyes; I focused on the filthy tabletop instead. "Well, it's... you know..." I murmured. Flik set his mug down on the table and leaned forward, closer to me. I almost couldn't breathe with the object of my affection being within mere inches of my face.

"I know," he said. "I'm sure you must know how it is." That comment caught me off guard. What, exactly, was he referring to? Had he known all along, or...?

"What with Tengaar, and all."

He would have to bring her up -- the woman that was supposed to mean as much to me as Flik. It wasn't as though I didn't love her; I did, it was just... not the same.

Tengaar and I grew up together and had spent almost every moment of our young lives together. I guess you could say that she was one of the few people who actually knew me. She knew me, and the way I was, but she still tried to change me despite all that. Tengaar thought I was her warrior, her knight whom would sweep her away. But, I'm not. I never have been, and I never will be anything that could even remotely be described as "knightly."

At times, her hope for something greater is even more painful than the disappointment she feels because of me. I want to tell her to give it up--to just let me go--but her heart is set, and Tengaar is a very determined girl. I know one day someone else will turn her head. I'm always left wondering if I'll be happy or sad when that day comes, after all, something that I've always had as long as I can remember will be gone. Then truly, no one in the world will care about what I become or what happens to me. Alone, with only my thoughts to keep me company.

The thought must have been projected onto my face; Flik leaned back and said, "It's fine, we won't talk about her." He moved as if to pat me on the shoulder, but pulled back at the last moment. "After all," he continued, "we all have our romances gone sour, don't we?"

I was unsure whether or not he was referring to his own relationships; the man's subtlety and inflection were gone with his drink. The only response I could come up with was to smile wanly as my gaze slowly wandered back to my hands, which were wringing themselves to a slow death on the table-top. Hastily, I returned them to my lap--I didn't want Flik to see how nervous I was. But either the older man didn't realize or didn't care about my emotional state; he continued to slam back his beer as if it was water.

Whatever Viktor had done, it must have been bad. Although I had seen Flik in the tavern alone before, I'd never seen him actually trying to get incoherently drunk. The pace he set for himself suggested to me that he aimed to forget this night entirely.

"If I may ask," I started. It was odd--I was swiftly coming to realize that I could talk to Flik much easier when he was drunk, or on his way there. It was as if it didn't count--like I was being given one free chance to screw up with no consequences. With newfound confidence, I continued, "What did Viktor do?"

"What did Viktor do?" Flik repeated incredulously. "Everything. What hasn't he done, that would be a better question." A furious scowl set over the rim of a mug, Flik's face was dark and, even though I was a bit frightened of his wrath, beautiful. I wanted to reach out to him, though I feared I would be burned. Wisely, my hands stayed motionless in my lap.

"What do you mean?" I probed further, determined to keep my mind on track even if my hands begged to wander. They clutched at the edge of the table with a desperation I refused to let show on my face. I had such pathetic self-control...

"He's been dredging up past that should stay buried," Flik winced here, "and making wild speculations like a damned fool."

I nodded, not quite sure what I was agreeing to, if anything at all. But it didn't seem smart at this point to continue questioning--Flik might start accusing me of the same thing as Viktor. The last thing I wanted was for to have Flik mad at me. Besides, I could easily guess what the past he had referred to was. I figured they were talking about Odessa, the woman Flik had loved five years ago. I could see why the man might be upset if she had come up. I imagine it was not a light topic to bring up with him.

Flik finished off his beer with one last swing, and got up to draw himself another. He wavered, toppled, and eventually stumbled his way over to the keg, and managed to spill half of his cup's contents on the way back. It upset me to see Flik like this, but I knew that he knew what he was doing, and that he could take care of himself. He was older than I--I was in no position to question his motives or anything else.

"You're probably better off not getting into a relationship with anyone," Flik said, a slur now audible in his voice. "It's too much damn work, and too much damn heartache." His mood seemed to have shifted to melancholia now; Flik stared morosely into his beer.

I would never cause you pain, I silently pledged, and for a brief moment, I wished that I had the courage to speak it aloud. Even if Flik would never return my affection, shouldn't he know that he at least had it?

"All I ever wanted was to be normal." Flik interrupted my thoughts. "I wanted to have what everyone else had. But instead I get Viktor, who's just so much more. He's not what I asked for...but..." The man's head began to droop.

I couldn't resist. "But, what?"

"He's not what I wanted, but he's what I need."

"What you need? How do you know? What if it's something else--someone else--that you need?" I couldn't stop the flow of words from my mouth. It seemed like all the things I'd ever wanted to say to him were suddenly being expelled from me, with or without my consent. "Haven't you ever wanted for anyone else?"

"I 'want' for others all the time. But I love Viktor. Not anyone else."

I returned my gaze to him from where it had shifted to the wall. I imagined my eyes held fire in them that hadn't ever been there before, and I said, "Have you ever wanted for me?"

And before I knew what I was about to do, I--

++

The boy's lips covered my own with a shock that wasn't unlike being struck by lightning. I had never realized--but looking back on it now, it was painfully obvious to anyone who was watching. Perhaps I could have blamed it on my drunken state, which was forgotten with Hix's first touch. I was too surprised yet to push him away from me; the kiss felt strange, delicate and nervous like Viktor's had never been, and I hated the alienness of it. As I reached up to grab his shoulders and shake him, things went from awkward to disastrous.

A figure in the doorway announced himself with a half-confused, half-outraged yell. I froze, my hands caught halfway between my own and Hix's body. Viktor emerged into the light at the same time Hix shot backwards, colliding with tables and chairs along the way.

"What the hell is going on here?!" With a furious glance shared between me and Hix, I suppose Viktor didn't really want to know. He grabbed my arm from where I had been slumped against the wall, too stunned and drunk to do much else. Viktor didn't even look at Hix as he dragged me from the tavern--literally, because at that point, my legs refused to work properly.

"Wait," I muttered, wishing he would just slow down for a moment and let me regain my balance. But if anything, he pressed on faster, heading in the direction of the room we shared. If Viktor had yanked on my arm any harder, I was sure it would have been popped right from its socket, but the larger man seemed heedless of the pain he was causing me. Finally, I stopped trying to keep up with him.

When Viktor realized that he was supporting all of my weight he turned on me. "If you can't make it to our room, I'm going to kill you right out here, where everyone can see!"

"But I didn't do anything...!" I protested weakly, unable to believe that Viktor was getting so worked up over something I couldn't even control.

"Then what the hell were you doing with Hix?" Thick brows were drawn tightly over his eyes, and his grip on my arm tightened painfully. I had never seen him that angry, and if I hadn't been drunk, I would have shrunk away. However, the alcohol made me bold and stupid, so I spoke.

"He kissed me, I--"

"Shut up, Flik!" And we were on our way again, making a terrible noise as we went.

"But Viktor, you don't understand--" I tried to speak to him again, but he was having none of it.

"I said shut up," Viktor snarled. This finally managed to make me angry, and I began to struggle with him, but my attempts to be free were clumsy and ineffective. When we reached our room and Viktor had the door closed firmly behind us, he slammed me against the wall so hard I was sure I heard the plaster break. With his fists twisted in my shirt, he held me aloft. Viktor looked like he'd rather have his hands twisted around my neck instead.

"Let go!" I said, wrapping my hands around his strong forearms. "Let me down! I swear I didn't do anything!"

"Just because you're mad doesn't give you the right to--"

"I didn't!" By now I was as angry as he was. How could he be accusing me of this? Couldn't he see what was going on? When he let me down I was going to kill him.

"You will break it off with me before you go screw someone else!" Viktor punctuated almost every word with a jarring shake, until my teeth clacked together. I was thankful to not have bitten off my tongue. When my head cleared I attempted an intelligent response. It was hard to do when I could barely tell which way was up.

"I did not kiss Hix. I was trying to explain to him how much I love you, you stupid bastard, when he took it upon himself! If you'd just fucking listen to me! What the hell would I be doing with a kid that young?!"

For a long moment Viktor stared up at me and I stared back at him, challenging. Gradually his expression lightened, though mine remained as furious as ever. He set me on the floor and took several steps backwards. I advanced on him as quickly as he retreated.

"You're so damn stupid sometimes," I snapped, confronting him. "First I never loved Odessa, and now I'm having sex with Hix? Are you insane? Doesn't the fact that I'm still here, with you, mean anything to you?"

Viktor held up is hands as if to surrender or ward me off. "I'm sorry, alright? But when I saw you like that--"

"You'd better be sorry," I interrupted, "if you ever do that again I'm going to kill you and bury your body in the woods!"

The larger man remained wisely silent. I was still berating him when the arm I was threatening him with was suddenly seized with pain. Rolling my shoulder, I cursed him even harder for hurting me.

"You could have dislocated my shoulder! What were you thinking?!"

With a resigned sigh, Viktor spun me around and prodded at the muscles of my neck and shoulders. My head whipped around just as quickly. "Don't touch me," I said, but however much I hated to admit it, what he was doing back there felt good--at least the joint wasn't screaming in agony now. Viktor must have felt me give in, because he pulled me up against him, and whispered in my ear.

"I'm sorry," he said. A shiver started at the base of my spine and worked its way up. I sighed. Viktor knew I hated that.

"Don't think I'm not still mad at you, or that I'll forget this tomorrow," I muttered. Although I settled back against him, I was still burning with anger. I closed my eyes.

"I know. I'll be digging my own grave, won't I?" Viktor replied. I only grunted in reply. His hands continued to work at my shoulders, and it was silent for a very long moment. Eventually, the other man spoke again. "So, did you really tell Hix that you loved me?"

"I hate you, Viktor. Shut up." He wasn't supposed to know that I was lying, but some how, he always did.

++

Hix sat beside their bedroom door, eavesdropping. Glass eyes, he thought. I'll always be alone.