Gasp! An update within 6 months of the last one. Yeah, I should be wring my final papers (my final final papers might I add, as I graduate from college in 2 weeks gone from school forever! YAY! Unless I go to grad school () no must not thin about it. Sweet freedom!), but back from my rant. Instead of wriing those I got this chapter and a part of the next done. SOoo exciting. I only plan on having a few more chapters for this one and then I might branch out into gasp Other series I know it's a shock, but I mean afer 4 year writing for one show I probably should expand a bit. Hope to update soon! TTFN!

PS. I have been reading Hana Kimi recently it is good if you haven't read it u should, and the live action Japanese TV Drama is Hii-larious! Nakatsu soo cute! Ok that's all then.

Chapter 12: Second Chances

"Take me, here on the bed or the floor if you prefer." She still hadn't looked at him she couldn't bare to let him see her fear.

"But Faye, why are you-"

"Don't you want me Spike?" She accentuated her question by running her hands down her own body pressing the thin material closer to her form.

"God, yes." Spike swallowed. She was so tempting, but a little voice in the back of his head told him that something wasn't right. "Faye, look at me."

She didn't move. She couldn't look at him if she did wouldn't be able to keep herself from running away. She gathered her resolve and tried again. "Spike," she purred in what she hoped was a convincingly sexy voice, "I want to feel you in…" she choked, god she couldn't even get the sentence out how was she going to get through this.

Spike was standing in front of her now his hand forcing her head up. She fought him, but he was always so much stronger than her. Her chin clinched tightly in his hand their eyes finally met and apart from the sparking tears that glistened at the edges of her eyes he saw the fear and the truth that she was trying so desperately to hide from him.

"What are you doing Faye? You don't want this."

She gathered what was left of her draining courage and pushed back the fear hooding her eyes with the best come hither stare she could muster. She draped her arms over his shoulders "Of course I do, I've waited for so long I want to feel you again Spike, I need you.". If she stuck with the truth than maybe she would be able to get through this; it was true that she had more than once longed for the feeling of his hands along her body over the past eight years, and the fact that the idea just so happened to make her flesh crawl at the current moment did not make the statement any less true, right?

She suddenly found herself shoved against the wall that had been a few feet behind her, the jolt to her head instantly bringing back the fear to her eyes. Spike slammed his body against hers a hard warm part of his own body connecting violently with the corresponding part of her own; a small cry escaped her before she could stop it.

"What Faye, this is what you want isn't" he rammed his hips into hers again. "For me to rip off your clothes and pound into you against this wall", another thrust, she could feel the tears threatening 

to spill over. "You want to feel my cock slam into you again and again until you beg for mercy, right?" He rammed her again and she cried out again hot tears now flowing down her face. "Right?" This time he just slammed her whole body against the wall.

Her whole body shook, but she was determined she had to do this she had to. Her lips trembled so badly she could hardly get them to obey her. "Y-ye-yes" she squeaked out, before her sobs just took over her whole body. Spike let go of her causing her to slide to the floor. She huddled there trying to control the waves of emotions that were breaking over her. Spike stepped back fury and disgust causing him to shake also. Disgust; disgust with himself and what he had just done to her, disgust with her and the fact that she was so broken that she hadn't fought him. He felt his throat lurch and fought to hold back the bile that was pushing to force its self free from his stomach.

"Shit Faye, what the hell is wrong with you."

She huddled there a moment more before she looked at him fear crazed eyes boring into his own. "Please." She cried reaching out for him. "Please Spike, I'm sorry I won't cry this time. I won't I'll be good. I'll be quiet." Spike felt his whole body jerk this time as the bile very nearly broke free. She screamed and looked away. "I know, I'm disgusting. Sometimes I want to vomit when I look at myself too. But please, if you love me, just this once ignore what kind of filth I am and please…" She reached for him again and when her hand brushed up against his leg he jumped back as if burned.

"No, no. Faye what are you talking about why are you doing this?"

"Please," She begged. "Please, I can't stand to have him be the last one to touch me I just can't. I wash and I wash and I can't scrub it off of me. I fall asleep and he's there touching me with his cold hard hands, ripping into my flesh. Pouring his taint into me so deeply that I can't get it out. Please Spike, I need your help, I need you to get it out. I need you to bore him out of me."

He kneeled in front of her, cupping her face in his hand. "Faye, I, I had no idea."

"So you'll do it?"

He smiled sadly at her, "No, Faye." She shook her head fresh tears welling up.

"No?"

"I won't rape you just so you can forget about how he raped you."

"No, no I want this, it isn't rape, its consensual."

"Faye, you cringe every time I touch you, it won't be consensual."

"But, I."

"Faye, I love you and I can't think of anything that would give me more pleasure than feeling you shiver beneath me, but I have to know that it isn't fear casing it otherwise I could never forgive myself." He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him.

"Spike ?'

"Yes?"

"Can I spend the night with you, like when we were home. Being near you seems to make the nightmares stop."

"Of course."

They moved to the bed Faye curled around him pulling the sheet up to her chin were it rested on his chest. His right arm wrapped protectively around her shoulder while his other came to rest on the smooth surface of her stomach. As they lay drifting from consciousness his hand began making small circles across the smooth surface. Faye could feel herself being drawn ever closer towards sleep the comfort of his hand resonating throughout her whole body. An unconscious sigh slid from her lips and she felt something new build inside of her something that she thought she would never enjoy again.

Hearing her sigh Spike had to force back his own recognition of how intimate their moment was. Rubbing his hand on her stomach made him wonder what she had been like pregnant. Had she sung like Marcus said? Or had she been completely miserable? He just had this need to know, he needed that he had done more than make her life a living hell, had he ruined what was left of her life. Was she holding back some kind of resentment over it, was that why she refused him? Could she love his child from the beginning or did she have to learn to love him despite the connection he posed.

"Faye?"

"Yes?" Her voice was soft and growing fainter.

"What was it like when you had Landis?"

She was silent of a moment. "Painful."

"Oh." He felt the guilt settling in.

"And Wonderful." She curled deeper into him. "It hurt more than I had remembered, the pregnancy had caused a lot of my memories of Alex and Marcus to come back. Apparently I had lied to myself about how much it would hurt. Oh, but holding him for the first time I had forgotten what that had been like to, it's the most amazing feeling." She smiled to herself.

"Did uh, you sing to him when you were pregnant? "

"To Landis?"

"Yeah."

"Of course, I still do he's my baby." Spike was instantly reminded of when he had found them. After freeing her from the bed she had gone to Landis trying to hold the boy as best she could and has sung softly to him, trying so desperately to find comfort for them both.

"Faye?"

"Yes?"

"Never mind."

They fell into silence once again. Sleep called out, pulling her deeper with each warm caress of her middle. Unfortunately Spike found himself kept from sleep, by yet another loose thread of their past.

"Faye?"

"Hmmm?"

"Why didn't you tell me when I left? About Landis."

The question pulled her from her soft doze.

"Would you have stayed?"

"No." He didn't pause to pretend to think, that just would have been insulting to her. He had done what he had to do at the time and no information would have changed his mind, she knew that and so to act like she didn't would be an insult to her intelligence.

"I didn't think so." She tried to hold back the bite in her response, she knew that who he was back then had to go, but that didn't mean she had to like it. It didn't mean that it didn't hurt just a much. It was just a bitter subject.

"Are you pissed at me?"

"No, besides I didn't know."

"Didn't know what?"

"That I was pregnant, not that I would have told you if I had. There wouldn't have been much of a point."

"You are pissed."

"No I'm not."

"You are pissed."

"No I'm not."

"Whatever."

"I'm not pissed at you, I was. When you left and you abandoned Jet and I because of some stupid-." She cut herself off, she was making herself angry all over again and she didn't want to piss him off.

"Stupid, What?" To late, she sighed he sounded totally pissed.

"Stupid nothing." She sounded angry still too; she tried to calm herself before she continued. If they both got pissed they would just end up circling down the drain again.

"I didn't mean anything, I'm not mad at you I'm mad at the situation. It wasn't fair. To either of us. We couldn't have both gotten what we wanted that day and I happen to draw the short straw. But in the end I guess it did work out."

"What do you mean?"

"You needed to face your past, get rid of that life once and for all and I needed a reason to live this new life that I had fallen into. When you left, at first I thought it was more proof that I wasn't supposed to be alive." She was silent for a time, bearing all took more courage than she had realized, but she was committed, I know I should trust him; I know I can trust him. Please let me trust you I just don't want to get hurt anymore.

"Then I found out that I was pregnant and that you were alive all on the same day."

It was like the universe just came up and slapped me in the face. I realized that someone
could out live their past and that maybe there was hope for the future. So, no I'm not mad at you anymore. It still hurts sometimes when I think about those days and what it took for me to be able to figure that all out, but by this point I am actually grateful because in the end you were the one who gave me a reason to live. You gave me my real second chance."

She tightened around him embracing him with all the strength she could muster. Partially from a flowery emotion that was causing her cheeks to burn, but mostly from the fear of how he might react to hearing her spout off all this mushy stuff about how he was so integral to her life.

She needn't have worried for as much as her confession was surprising to him he never would have been able to lash out. As soon as her slim arms burrowed into him he just melted away. It was indescribable it made his chest ache and his whole body feel as if he could float away.

He wrapped his arms around her pressing her even closer. "I love you Faye."

She looked up into his face; I just have to see if he's sincere, please be sincere. Her eyes went glassy and he began to worry that she would start crying again.

"Faye?" He cupped her face in his palm, desperately thinking of ways to keep her
from crying.

"I'm sorry," a tear slippe ddown her cheek. "I'm sorry I've been such a bitch. I'm sorry I wouldn't trust you, I wouldn't believe you. I wanted to so badly, but I was just so afraid. I couldn't let myself fall in love with you again just so I could loose you, again."

He ran his fingers through her hair "But I told you I wasn't going anywhere, you crazy
shrew."

"Don't make fun of me."

"Oh where's the fun in that."

She hit him on the chest playfully, "Lunkhead."

"Romani."

"Gauj-" she was cut off as his lips came crashing down on her own.

He hadn't meant to kiss her, he didn't want to kiss her, well of course he did, but he didn't want to kiss her until she wanted him to. Her closeness had been plaguing him since they had first laid down, but he had been able to keep any physical needs at bay because of the seriousness of the conversation and the situation. Then the feeling of the room had changed and he found his resolves weakening.After 

finally regaining control of his body he pulled back prepared for whatever his attack might have triggered.

She reached her hand up and pulled him back down, softly sealing their lips once again.
The burning recklessness of their last encounter was replaced by a cooling smoothness.

Their movements were slow, this time it was about understanding and they focused on the
feel of each other, lest any of the other obstacles in their lives try and disrupt them. When the fear started to seep in she just held him closer. He lead their actions slowly weary of her physical and emotional bruises. When the tears came she couldn't help but smile, the pain, the regret, the fear they all washed away in a salty stream that was quickly wiped away by smooth fingers and softer lips. When he felt the pleasure ripple over her he almost lost control, instead he burned it into his memory.

In the end they curled together their noses nearly touching and he ran his hand through
her hair in a futile attempt at untangling it.

"Faye?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

They once again laid there allowing sleep to drift nearer.

" Faye?"

"Hmm?"

"I really do love you."

"I know baby." Faye's voice was soft and slowed with sleep she tried to reassure him with
a pat on the shoulder, but all she could manage was a sloppy hand to fall down his arm.

"Faye... I uh, have a confession to make."

She made an almost imperceptible sound which he accepted as a prompt.

"You know that night."

She didn't respond at all this time, but he continued anyway.

"I wasn't really all that drunk."

He waited a moment, but when she didn't respond he let himself settle and fall into
formless contentment.

Hope you enjoyed bye for now!

Tiffo !