Elladan and Elrohir: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Disclaimer: this is a story based on and inspired by J.R.R. Tolkien's work; he's the owner of everything you'll read in this fic. I do not claim anything as mine, except my original characters. I do not seek profit, the only rewards I get are reviews and personal satisfaction.
This manual was inspired by Theresa Green's guides, which you should really read because they're amazing funny stuff! I wrote this with Theresa's permission, of course. Needless to say, this guide pales in comparison with the original ones, so please, cope with me and my nonsensical stuff. Thank you.
My beta for this was amazing AfterEver. Thank you!
Resources: Twin Stuff.Com & Tyellas' "The Elladan and Elrohir factsheet"
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of ELLADAN and ELROHIR, the SONS OF ELROND! In order to use your Half-elven warriors at the best of their potential, read this manual and follow the instructions carefully.
IMPORTANT NOTICE
Since the ELLADAN unit and the ELROHIR unit are inseparable since their creation, with no possibility of changing this setting with modern technology, it is highly recommended that you try not to separate the two units for more than 24 hours, especially if you plan to send one on a hunting trip without the other. For the same reason, the two units are never sold separately.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Names: Elladan and Elrohir
Type: 73.5% elven, 23.5% human, and 3% Maia (divine spirit created by Tolkien Enterprises)
Site of Manufacture: Elrond & Celebrian Ltd., Imladris
Height: 185cm approximately
Weight: superior to that of LEGOLAS units, inferior to that of ARAGORN and BOROMIR units
Length: the combination of Elven, human and Maia blood usually gives amazing results (see ELROND and DIOR units.)
INSTALLATION
The installation of your SONS OF ELROND is to be carried out carefully, following the instructions before opening the crate in which your SONS OF ELROND were delivered.
Before opening the crate, obtain:
(a) a phial of the most potent somniferous gas
(b) an anti-gas mask
When you have obtained the aforementioned items, make sure they are in perfect working order, then carry out the following procedure:
(1) Put on the anti-gas mask.
(2) Straddle the crate, facing the UP side.
(3) Slowly remove the lid from the crate, until you see the SONS OF ELROND's peaceful faces.
(4) Drop the open phial into the crate and close immediately.
(5) Once THE SONS OF ELROND stop struggling, open the windows and then remove the lid from the crate.
(6) Now you must carry out the checking procedure, in order to ensure you have been issued with two identical twins. Undress your ELLADAN and your ELROHIR units while they're unconscious, and look carefully for physical differences between the two units.
(7) (optional) Put their clothes on before they wake up.
***CAUTION*** This procedure should be carried out by married/engaged women while their consorts/fiancés are not within a mile from home. The producer declines every responsibility of ensuing quarrels, divorces, smashed dishes, etc….
ACCESSORIES
Your Imladris' twins come equipped with several identical items:
(a) grey clothing (breeches, tunics)
(b) grey capes
(c) leather boots
(d) two swords
(e) two bows with matching quivers full of arrows
(f) first aid kit
(c) silver circlets with stars
Your ELLADAN unit is also equipped with a torch, your ELROHIR unit has a silver horn instead.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your SONS OF ELROND can perform several useful tasks all around your house and much more! Besides those you thought about when eyeing the twin-pack on our catalogue, of course….
Rescuing:
With their two-millennium experience in the wild with the Rangers and the painful rescuing of their mother, ELLADAN and ELROHIR have an incredible talent for tracking down missing people and bringing them safely home. In the ill-fated chance that one of your relatives or friends mysteriously disappears, unleash your ELLADAN and ELROHIR; they will be more helpful than the whole Police Department.
Hunting:
Your ELLADAN and ELROHIR were long trained in the noble art of hunting and perfected their skills over the years. When the hunting season starts, take them to the nearest wood and, while waiting, heat up the barbecue. Moreover, your SONS OF ELROND are very respectful of nature and will kill what is strictly needed and with such speed that the prey won't even have time to suffer.
Children teaching:
Are your children pestering you to have fencing/equestrianism/fighting lessons? Save precious money by entrusting them into the SONS OF ELROND's care! They are skilled warriors and riders and will be able to instruct even the broodiest and most reluctant child. After all, they were responsible for the training of ARAGORN baby-model.
Guides:
ELLADAN and ELROHIR are expert travellers and have an incredible sense of direction. Take them with you during camping trips, mountain trekking and excursions in the woods, and enjoy your holiday without the risk of getting lost.
Fairness:
ELLADAN and ELROHIR are extremely handsome Half-elves and always have great fun making women drool. Enter them in beauty contests and watch them reduce the judges to a mass of drooling fools! Since most beauty contests have a monetary prize, the SONS OF ELROND will be able to repay you for your kind hospitality... with extended baths inside your tub full of cash!
***CAUTION*** ELLADAN and ELROHIR can also perform tasks whose description is beyond the purpose of this guide. We strongly recommend that married or engaged female owners carry out these tasks in safe conditions only (e.g. when husband or boyfriend are at the stadium with their mates watching a Champions League's match), in order to avoid unpleasant consequences. Read the following section for more details.
INTERACTION BETWEEN THE ELLADAN AND ELROHIR UNITS
There are three possible modes of interaction between ELLADAN and ELROHIR, whose setting involves female owners closely:
(a) Brotherly friendship --default setting--
(b) Brotherly love
(c) Twincest
***CAUTION*** Be careful when setting the interaction of your SONS OF ELROND. They must have identical settings, otherwise they will be seriously damaged with deadly weapons, e.g. mithril swords, sharp arrows, punches....
(a) Brotherly friendship
The "Brotherly friendship" setting involves:
* Shoulder patting
* Camping trips
* Ribald jokes
* Sharing of food
* Witty remarks
* Comforting hugs
* Matchmaking
***CAUTION*** With this particular setting, your ELLADAN and ELROHIR will be willing to undergo any task you may assign only separately. To obtain the best performances possible from your Peredhil, be sure to train them in several places in order to test their capacity of adaptation and inventiveness. Feedback from twin-pack owners confirm ELLADAN seems very proficient in close, dark, claustrophobic spaces, whereas ELROHIR prefers open spaces.
(b) Brotherly love
* Shoulder massaging
* Reciprocal feeding
* Furtive stroking of thighs
* Accidental dropping of small objects (pens, cutlery, arrows, soap...)
* Hand holding
* Hip caressing
***CAUTION*** With this particular setting, your ELLADAN and ELROHIR will be willing to undergo any task you may assign only together. It is recommended that you don't set the TWINS setting on "Brotherly Love" if you're not physically able to stand a marathon with two active, healthy and fully functional Half-elves at the same time.
(c) Twincest
* Silken scarves
* Handcuffs
* Phials of scented oil
* Tongue-duelling
* Comments on sword length and spear girth
* Broken furniture
* Feathers
* Generous amounts of ebony hair, flawless skin and lean muscles.
* Various noises, from guttural moans to wood creaking.
***CAUTION*** With this particular setting, your ELLADAN and ELROHIR will not be willing to undergo any of the training sessions you had planned for them.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
Thanks to their mixed blood and versatile nature your ELLADAN and ELROHIR are compatible with almost every model, except those of the "Minions of Darkness" series. Here follows a list of the most common interaction problems with other compatible models. Behaviours in this list are however normal and you shouldn't be worried about them:
ARAGORN - tackling, loud complaining about bad smell and pipe smoke
ELROND - extreme seriousness and reprimands
ARWEN - alarming hyper-protectiveness
BILBO - sudden and mysterious disappearances as soon as the halfling says, "I remember that once..."
LEGOLAS - endless disquisitions about hair brilliance and silkiness, and compliments about elven fairness and clothes
GIMLI - repeated attempts to scare the dwarf
HALBARAD - see ARAGORN
FRODO & SAM - songs of heroic deeds and lots of reverent bows
CLEANING
Your ELLADAN and ELROHIR are adventurers, but they are always neat and nice-smelling. They prefer washing in fresh stream water, but enjoy the luxury of a warm bath or shower. We suggest that you assist them while they become acquainted with your bathroom furniture and personal hygiene products.
As they are always active, they need several massages in order to relax muscles and mind. If they enjoy your cares, it is likely that they will return the favour. Together.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Can my ELLADAN and ELROHIR perform the same tasks of a LEGOLAS?
A: Unfortunately, due to their Half-elven nature, the SONS OF ELROND have some deficiencies Legolas has not: their sight is inferior and they are afraid of the Dead, for example. Worry not, though, as they can perform other tasks Legolas can't. After all, they are two and they have fiery man blood in their veins....
*
Q: Are ELLADAN and ELROHIR physically different than Elves?
A: They differ from Elves under some aspects. Like Elves, they have pointed ears, no bodily hair, a built lighter than men's, long hair and grace and fluidity of movements. Because of their human blood, however, they have broader chests, larger shoulders, well-sculpted muscles, stronger thighs... [the humidity spots on this page are due to the author's incessant drooling; we are sorry for the inconvenience.]
*
Q: Who are the dark-haired, gloomy men that hang around the house since I purchased the SONS OF ELROND?
A: They are the Dunedain, good friends of ARAGORN and of the SONS OF ELROND. Allow ELLADAN and ELROHIR to join them for hunting trips and mountain trekking.
*
Q: I already own an ELROND model and a CELEBRIAN model. Is it possible for them to produce heirs and therefore save my empty bank account?
A: Of course! Carry out the procedure in the manual of your ELROND and CELEBRIAN and you will have the twin-pack delivered in a year, maybe even ten or eleven months!
TROUBLE SHOOTING
Problem: Your SONS OF ELROND look longingly at the sky, staring at Venus, telling everyone that it is their father. You are considering calling the local psychiatric hospital.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with the SONS OF EARENDIL, the ELROND and ELROS units. There's no reason whatsoever to complain about this!
*
Problem: Your SONS OF ELROND have strange coppery hair and never stop ranting about three family jewels of great value.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with the first twin-pack ever created, the SONS OF FEANOR, AMROD and AMRAS models. You should consider yourself lucky, as these particular models are a limited edition. The family jewels they are referring to are not those you were testing lately to check their functionality, but an artistic creation of their father.
*
Problem: The SONS OF ELROND decided to wear only white clothing and are pestering you to have matching white dreadlocks.
Solution: The twins have watched "Matrix Reloaded." Be firm and don't allow them to convince you. It is likely they will forget about it. To prevent similar dysfunctions in the future, keep the following movies out of their reach:
* The Man in the Iron Mask
* Bad Company
* Adaptation
* Star Wars II: The Attack of the Clones
* Dark Mirror
* Double Trouble
* Me, Myself and Irene
*
Problem: Your ELLADAN and ELROHIR are eyeing your neighbour's ARAGORN suspiciously.
Solution: Ask your neighbour if his/her ARAGORN has been previously exposed to a partially unwrapped ARWEN unit. If the answer is affirmative, your TWINS are afraid their sister ARWEN will choose mortality to stay with her beloved. Have them talk with a GALADRIEL unit to overcome their distress and ensure safety to the ARAGORN unit.
*
Problem: You hear moans, groans and creaking sounds coming from the TWINS' room in the middle of the night. Your neighbours and your co-lodgers are threatening to report the molesting noises to the Police.
Solution: You have set their mode of interaction to "Twincest". Either suggest they try to be quieter (a couple of gags should help), or consult the "INTERACTION BETWEEN THE ELLADAN AND ELROHIR UNITS" section to modify the TWINS' settings.
*
Problem: Your SONS OF ELROND have been accused of depravation and of moral corruption by the local community, but you cannot understand why.
Solution: You should be aware that the "Twincest" setting is amoral for the majority of the people. Command the twins to stop outdoor activities. If they are reluctant, try suggesting some practice in your three-post bed or in your brand new Jacuzzi for five.
*
Problem: Your GIMLI begins to tremble in fear whenever ELLADAN is near.
Solution: Tell ELLADAN to stop saying sentences like, "Yes, the Dead ride behind. They have been summoned," in the proximity of a GIMLI unit.
FINAL NOTE
Your SONS OF ELROND will be at your service for several years, but we cannot guarantee they will last as long as the elven models, as they can choose to belong to humankind or elvenkind. Such is the nature of Half-elves.
Disclaimer: this is a story based on and inspired by J.R.R. Tolkien's work; he's the owner of everything you'll read in this fic. I do not claim anything as mine, except my original characters. I do not seek profit, the only rewards I get are reviews and personal satisfaction.
This manual was inspired by Theresa Green's guides, which you should really read because they're amazing funny stuff! I wrote this with Theresa's permission, of course. Needless to say, this guide pales in comparison with the original ones, so please, cope with me and my nonsensical stuff. Thank you.
My beta for this was amazing AfterEver. Thank you!
Resources: Twin Stuff.Com & Tyellas' "The Elladan and Elrohir factsheet"
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of ELLADAN and ELROHIR, the SONS OF ELROND! In order to use your Half-elven warriors at the best of their potential, read this manual and follow the instructions carefully.
IMPORTANT NOTICE
Since the ELLADAN unit and the ELROHIR unit are inseparable since their creation, with no possibility of changing this setting with modern technology, it is highly recommended that you try not to separate the two units for more than 24 hours, especially if you plan to send one on a hunting trip without the other. For the same reason, the two units are never sold separately.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Names: Elladan and Elrohir
Type: 73.5% elven, 23.5% human, and 3% Maia (divine spirit created by Tolkien Enterprises)
Site of Manufacture: Elrond & Celebrian Ltd., Imladris
Height: 185cm approximately
Weight: superior to that of LEGOLAS units, inferior to that of ARAGORN and BOROMIR units
Length: the combination of Elven, human and Maia blood usually gives amazing results (see ELROND and DIOR units.)
INSTALLATION
The installation of your SONS OF ELROND is to be carried out carefully, following the instructions before opening the crate in which your SONS OF ELROND were delivered.
Before opening the crate, obtain:
(a) a phial of the most potent somniferous gas
(b) an anti-gas mask
When you have obtained the aforementioned items, make sure they are in perfect working order, then carry out the following procedure:
(1) Put on the anti-gas mask.
(2) Straddle the crate, facing the UP side.
(3) Slowly remove the lid from the crate, until you see the SONS OF ELROND's peaceful faces.
(4) Drop the open phial into the crate and close immediately.
(5) Once THE SONS OF ELROND stop struggling, open the windows and then remove the lid from the crate.
(6) Now you must carry out the checking procedure, in order to ensure you have been issued with two identical twins. Undress your ELLADAN and your ELROHIR units while they're unconscious, and look carefully for physical differences between the two units.
(7) (optional) Put their clothes on before they wake up.
***CAUTION*** This procedure should be carried out by married/engaged women while their consorts/fiancés are not within a mile from home. The producer declines every responsibility of ensuing quarrels, divorces, smashed dishes, etc….
ACCESSORIES
Your Imladris' twins come equipped with several identical items:
(a) grey clothing (breeches, tunics)
(b) grey capes
(c) leather boots
(d) two swords
(e) two bows with matching quivers full of arrows
(f) first aid kit
(c) silver circlets with stars
Your ELLADAN unit is also equipped with a torch, your ELROHIR unit has a silver horn instead.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your SONS OF ELROND can perform several useful tasks all around your house and much more! Besides those you thought about when eyeing the twin-pack on our catalogue, of course….
Rescuing:
With their two-millennium experience in the wild with the Rangers and the painful rescuing of their mother, ELLADAN and ELROHIR have an incredible talent for tracking down missing people and bringing them safely home. In the ill-fated chance that one of your relatives or friends mysteriously disappears, unleash your ELLADAN and ELROHIR; they will be more helpful than the whole Police Department.
Hunting:
Your ELLADAN and ELROHIR were long trained in the noble art of hunting and perfected their skills over the years. When the hunting season starts, take them to the nearest wood and, while waiting, heat up the barbecue. Moreover, your SONS OF ELROND are very respectful of nature and will kill what is strictly needed and with such speed that the prey won't even have time to suffer.
Children teaching:
Are your children pestering you to have fencing/equestrianism/fighting lessons? Save precious money by entrusting them into the SONS OF ELROND's care! They are skilled warriors and riders and will be able to instruct even the broodiest and most reluctant child. After all, they were responsible for the training of ARAGORN baby-model.
Guides:
ELLADAN and ELROHIR are expert travellers and have an incredible sense of direction. Take them with you during camping trips, mountain trekking and excursions in the woods, and enjoy your holiday without the risk of getting lost.
Fairness:
ELLADAN and ELROHIR are extremely handsome Half-elves and always have great fun making women drool. Enter them in beauty contests and watch them reduce the judges to a mass of drooling fools! Since most beauty contests have a monetary prize, the SONS OF ELROND will be able to repay you for your kind hospitality... with extended baths inside your tub full of cash!
***CAUTION*** ELLADAN and ELROHIR can also perform tasks whose description is beyond the purpose of this guide. We strongly recommend that married or engaged female owners carry out these tasks in safe conditions only (e.g. when husband or boyfriend are at the stadium with their mates watching a Champions League's match), in order to avoid unpleasant consequences. Read the following section for more details.
INTERACTION BETWEEN THE ELLADAN AND ELROHIR UNITS
There are three possible modes of interaction between ELLADAN and ELROHIR, whose setting involves female owners closely:
(a) Brotherly friendship --default setting--
(b) Brotherly love
(c) Twincest
***CAUTION*** Be careful when setting the interaction of your SONS OF ELROND. They must have identical settings, otherwise they will be seriously damaged with deadly weapons, e.g. mithril swords, sharp arrows, punches....
(a) Brotherly friendship
The "Brotherly friendship" setting involves:
* Shoulder patting
* Camping trips
* Ribald jokes
* Sharing of food
* Witty remarks
* Comforting hugs
* Matchmaking
***CAUTION*** With this particular setting, your ELLADAN and ELROHIR will be willing to undergo any task you may assign only separately. To obtain the best performances possible from your Peredhil, be sure to train them in several places in order to test their capacity of adaptation and inventiveness. Feedback from twin-pack owners confirm ELLADAN seems very proficient in close, dark, claustrophobic spaces, whereas ELROHIR prefers open spaces.
(b) Brotherly love
* Shoulder massaging
* Reciprocal feeding
* Furtive stroking of thighs
* Accidental dropping of small objects (pens, cutlery, arrows, soap...)
* Hand holding
* Hip caressing
***CAUTION*** With this particular setting, your ELLADAN and ELROHIR will be willing to undergo any task you may assign only together. It is recommended that you don't set the TWINS setting on "Brotherly Love" if you're not physically able to stand a marathon with two active, healthy and fully functional Half-elves at the same time.
(c) Twincest
* Silken scarves
* Handcuffs
* Phials of scented oil
* Tongue-duelling
* Comments on sword length and spear girth
* Broken furniture
* Feathers
* Generous amounts of ebony hair, flawless skin and lean muscles.
* Various noises, from guttural moans to wood creaking.
***CAUTION*** With this particular setting, your ELLADAN and ELROHIR will not be willing to undergo any of the training sessions you had planned for them.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
Thanks to their mixed blood and versatile nature your ELLADAN and ELROHIR are compatible with almost every model, except those of the "Minions of Darkness" series. Here follows a list of the most common interaction problems with other compatible models. Behaviours in this list are however normal and you shouldn't be worried about them:
ARAGORN - tackling, loud complaining about bad smell and pipe smoke
ELROND - extreme seriousness and reprimands
ARWEN - alarming hyper-protectiveness
BILBO - sudden and mysterious disappearances as soon as the halfling says, "I remember that once..."
LEGOLAS - endless disquisitions about hair brilliance and silkiness, and compliments about elven fairness and clothes
GIMLI - repeated attempts to scare the dwarf
HALBARAD - see ARAGORN
FRODO & SAM - songs of heroic deeds and lots of reverent bows
CLEANING
Your ELLADAN and ELROHIR are adventurers, but they are always neat and nice-smelling. They prefer washing in fresh stream water, but enjoy the luxury of a warm bath or shower. We suggest that you assist them while they become acquainted with your bathroom furniture and personal hygiene products.
As they are always active, they need several massages in order to relax muscles and mind. If they enjoy your cares, it is likely that they will return the favour. Together.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Can my ELLADAN and ELROHIR perform the same tasks of a LEGOLAS?
A: Unfortunately, due to their Half-elven nature, the SONS OF ELROND have some deficiencies Legolas has not: their sight is inferior and they are afraid of the Dead, for example. Worry not, though, as they can perform other tasks Legolas can't. After all, they are two and they have fiery man blood in their veins....
Q: Are ELLADAN and ELROHIR physically different than Elves?
A: They differ from Elves under some aspects. Like Elves, they have pointed ears, no bodily hair, a built lighter than men's, long hair and grace and fluidity of movements. Because of their human blood, however, they have broader chests, larger shoulders, well-sculpted muscles, stronger thighs... [the humidity spots on this page are due to the author's incessant drooling; we are sorry for the inconvenience.]
Q: Who are the dark-haired, gloomy men that hang around the house since I purchased the SONS OF ELROND?
A: They are the Dunedain, good friends of ARAGORN and of the SONS OF ELROND. Allow ELLADAN and ELROHIR to join them for hunting trips and mountain trekking.
Q: I already own an ELROND model and a CELEBRIAN model. Is it possible for them to produce heirs and therefore save my empty bank account?
A: Of course! Carry out the procedure in the manual of your ELROND and CELEBRIAN and you will have the twin-pack delivered in a year, maybe even ten or eleven months!
TROUBLE SHOOTING
Problem: Your SONS OF ELROND look longingly at the sky, staring at Venus, telling everyone that it is their father. You are considering calling the local psychiatric hospital.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with the SONS OF EARENDIL, the ELROND and ELROS units. There's no reason whatsoever to complain about this!
Problem: Your SONS OF ELROND have strange coppery hair and never stop ranting about three family jewels of great value.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with the first twin-pack ever created, the SONS OF FEANOR, AMROD and AMRAS models. You should consider yourself lucky, as these particular models are a limited edition. The family jewels they are referring to are not those you were testing lately to check their functionality, but an artistic creation of their father.
Problem: The SONS OF ELROND decided to wear only white clothing and are pestering you to have matching white dreadlocks.
Solution: The twins have watched "Matrix Reloaded." Be firm and don't allow them to convince you. It is likely they will forget about it. To prevent similar dysfunctions in the future, keep the following movies out of their reach:
* The Man in the Iron Mask
* Bad Company
* Adaptation
* Star Wars II: The Attack of the Clones
* Dark Mirror
* Double Trouble
* Me, Myself and Irene
Problem: Your ELLADAN and ELROHIR are eyeing your neighbour's ARAGORN suspiciously.
Solution: Ask your neighbour if his/her ARAGORN has been previously exposed to a partially unwrapped ARWEN unit. If the answer is affirmative, your TWINS are afraid their sister ARWEN will choose mortality to stay with her beloved. Have them talk with a GALADRIEL unit to overcome their distress and ensure safety to the ARAGORN unit.
Problem: You hear moans, groans and creaking sounds coming from the TWINS' room in the middle of the night. Your neighbours and your co-lodgers are threatening to report the molesting noises to the Police.
Solution: You have set their mode of interaction to "Twincest". Either suggest they try to be quieter (a couple of gags should help), or consult the "INTERACTION BETWEEN THE ELLADAN AND ELROHIR UNITS" section to modify the TWINS' settings.
Problem: Your SONS OF ELROND have been accused of depravation and of moral corruption by the local community, but you cannot understand why.
Solution: You should be aware that the "Twincest" setting is amoral for the majority of the people. Command the twins to stop outdoor activities. If they are reluctant, try suggesting some practice in your three-post bed or in your brand new Jacuzzi for five.
Problem: Your GIMLI begins to tremble in fear whenever ELLADAN is near.
Solution: Tell ELLADAN to stop saying sentences like, "Yes, the Dead ride behind. They have been summoned," in the proximity of a GIMLI unit.
FINAL NOTE
Your SONS OF ELROND will be at your service for several years, but we cannot guarantee they will last as long as the elven models, as they can choose to belong to humankind or elvenkind. Such is the nature of Half-elves.