American Were ED
By: Cartman's Girl

Notes: Yes, title sucks. XP But I do hope you enjoy the madness.

~*~

Chapter One: Dark and Stormy Ed

It was a dark and stormy night (you can tell this is gonna be scary! Or just weird!) and the wind is wailing loudly against the window panes; smacking branches against trees and sending chills down the spines of many children. One of these children, who wasn't cowering in the fear of a flood, house collapsing or a tornado, was Ed. He was happily sat in front of his TV, the glow of the screen reflecting on his vacant face. Judging by the sounds, it was one of his B Movies.

"No! Don't go in there! He'll squeeze the jelly from your eyes and spread it on toast!" he suddenly declared. There was a scream from the TV, and the sounds of squishing. Ed leant back in his seat, folding his arms with a smug look on his face. "Told you."

"ED!" the voice of his darling sister Sarah rang out in the night, as did the rapping on his door. Now Ed's face distorted in fear as he slowly turned around looking up at his stairs. He didn't move an inch from there, in fear of getting into trouble. But then again, he might get in trouble for not hurrying.

"I'm coming Sarah!" Ed leapt from his chair and hurried up the stairs and swung the door open – but there was nothing there. Ed blinked, looking up and down the hall. It was in total darkness, lit up now and then by flashes of lightning outside. "…Sarah?" he asked. He frowned slightly; was she playing a joke on him? To make him miss Eyeball Jelly Eaters from Deep Space Ten? "HA HA. Very funny Sarah!" he called out before slamming the door to his basement shut and storming back downstairs.

"AAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!" the TV screamed as Ed sat down.

"Aww, I missed it!" he whined before folding his arms and pouting to himself. He then got the munchies, so he rolled up a pant leg and pulled a hairy lolly off it; and thusly ate it. "Mmm. Easter candy." He grinned to himself before snuggling down waiting for the next B Movie to begin. Just as the new movie was beginning, once again there was a banging on his door only louder then before.

"ED!" it was Sarah again. The volume of her voice and sudden banging made him jolt out of his seat and land on the ground.

"Gravity hurts." Ed mumbled as he rubbed his sore bottom. He glanced at the stairs; the knob was turning frantically; trying to open it. "I'm coming Sarah!" seemingly forgotten all about before he hurried up and unlocked it and swung it open. Darkness, once again was his only greeter. Ed stepped out and looked up and down the hall. Maybe a serial killer had gotten into the house, and was chasing Sarah! That's why she couldn't stay at the door long enough!

"Oohhhh dear." Ed mumbled, sounding similar to Double D. "Big brother is coming Sarah!" Ed called out; ripping a leg off a nearby chest of drawers and ran down the hall. "Ed shall save you!" he ran up and down the hallways, checking every room. But no one could be found. He looked in his parent's room – empty. That's right; they were at a function for his Dad. Now to check Sarah's room.

"Sarah?" he knocked on her door. There was no answer. What if she's had her eyeballs jellied already? The idea made Ed scream in fear and he kicked the door in, and leapt in brandishing the leg. "RELEASE MY SISTER!!" but… no one was there either. This was really beginning to scare Ed now. He kept hearing Sarah's voice, the banging; and now after searching everywhere he couldn't find anyone!

Suddenly he heard a sound from below. From inside his room, something was lurking. Ed quickly turned and hurried back to his door and tried to open it. But it was locked from the inside; curse Ed for making his Dad install a lock inside to keep Sarah out! And he didn't have his keys with him! "Sarah open the door!" Ed banged on the door, and then tried pushing against it.

Usually Ed would've been able to push the door open, or slam right through but tonight something was against it. He then glanced down, and saw a puddle beginning to emit from his basement. It was clear. Ed began to step back, but his fear was overcome with the idea Sarah might be in danger in there. Holding up the leg, he brought it down on the handle. It smashed the handle, and he forced the door open.

It was a leaking faucet. It had come unhooked and fell onto the door, and the water was leaking onto the floor. Ed grumbled and slammed the pipe back into place and walked down the steps. His room was partly flooded. Rolling his pants above his knees he walked over to his window and lifted it open; and thus began throwing water out of his room with a bucket.

Unfortunately, he also let more water pour in from outside. So soon Ed was drifting in water, and began swimming up towards the stairs again. He got to the stairs and pushed them open; but he came face to face with something. Something with glowing red eyes, drool lingering at the corner of its mouth… and it was covered in hair.

Ed didn't even have a chance to ask what it was, or what it was doing in his house. It leapt, throwing him back into the water with the creature. Then all went dark.

~*~

"ED! MOM SAID TO GET OUT OF BED!!" Sarah banged on the door to her brother's room. The night before, she had been called to Jimmy's house since he was being so afraid of the lightning; thus leaving Ed to himself all night. But now it was eleven in the morning, and Ed hadn't made an appearance. Even at the scent of buttered toast on the table. "I'M TELLING MOM YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!" she screamed.

The door then unlocked, and it was pushed open. There stood Ed, looking rather weak at the moment.

"Sarah…?" he asked, his eyes still shut. His ears were full of water and he could hardly hear, but for some reason he could smell her. At least, her scent in the air. Of dolls, of perfume and pretty clothes… and Mom's hugs. No idea how he knew what Mom's hugs smelt like.

"About time!!" she screeched; her voice having a more powerful effect on Ed then usual even if he was partly deaf. He reeled back, covering his ears.

"Not so loud, not so loud!" he whined. Sarah smirked at him,

"Just get your butt outside already! You're stinkin' up the whole PLACE!" indeed, Ed smelt worse then usual. You'd think being wet most of the night would have cured that, but now he smelt of powerful stuff. Ed nodded and walked past her, and out of the house.

~*~

After giving his head a good shake, Ed's ears were clear. As soon as they were, the noise almost slapped him up the back of the head. He could hear the chickens in Rolf's yard from up the street, the cow mooing and even the sound of milk hitting a bucket. He could hear Eddy's alarm going off from down the street… he could hear the Kankers pegging their washing on the line… the noise was so loud and powerful to him, Ed reeled and grabbed at his ears.

"WILL YOU STOP BEING SO LOUD?!!?" he screamed at the air. The air was suddenly full of Kevin's bike wheeling its way towards him. Ed opened an eye, and Kevin was leant on his bike staring at him.

"What's with YOU dork?" he asked. His voice seemed louder, like he was yelling; but he didn't have a face that shown yelling. He also smelt annoyed.

"So… so loud…" Ed mumbled, curling up into a ball on the pavement. He could almost smell Kevin's confused look, then the sound of Kevin wheeling off muttering about how he hopes his parents move house soon. He lay curled up in that ball until Eddy arrived. He knew he was there, he could smell the cologne and hair gel Eddy used; and could hear him breathing too.

"Ed, what the heck are you doing?" Eddy asked, staring down at the taller boy still scrunched into a ball.

"Blocking." Ed answered, staring at his zipper.

"Blocking what?" Eddy asked.

"Blocking everything." Ed replied, then he knew Double D was there too. "Hi Double D." he said quietly.

"…Eddy, why is Ed in a foetal position on the dirty tarmac?" Double D asked.

"He said he's blocking everything." Eddy said.

"Blocking?" Double D asked, confused.

"So… so much noise…" Ed mumbled, as he slowly pried his hand from his face; looking up at Double D. "It hurts." He could smell Double D's confusion turn into understanding but also a hint of wonderment.

"I think Ed's developed an inner ear infection Eddy; sounds have a more traumatic effect when you have ear infections." Double D explained. Ed hoped he was right, but then he felt Double D tap him on the head. "Come along Ed, I shall look into your condition!"

~*~

After a lot of dragging and nagging, Ed had managed to unroll himself and follow Double D and Eddy to Double D's house. The powerful smell of antiseptic, air spray, polish and other cleaning goods smacked him in the face; causing him to cover his nose.

"Pew! Your house smells like a hospital Double D!" Ed said.

"It does?" Double D sniffed. All he could smell was the air spray.

"So what, has he got an inner nose infection too now?" Eddy asked, smirking to himself.

"I'm not sure… Ed, do take a seat." Double D said. Ed remained standing. "Ed, sit." At that command Ed promptly sat down on the polished floor.

"Hah. Good Ed." Eddy grinned, somewhat amused at how Ed had obeyed.

"Well this is peculiar… stay with Ed, Eddy. I need to get my examination tools!" Double D hurried up the stairs, and Eddy stared at Ed for a while.

"So WHAT'S wrong with you?" he asked, at 'what', Ed leant away slightly.

"Everythin' hurts! Too loud, too smelly 'n too much SEEING." Ed whined. Ed's eyes had a way of staring in different directions now and then, but today they were dead on target whatever he was looking at. Also anything that moved. His attention moved from Eddy to Eddy's hairs, which were faintly moving in the  slim breeze through Double D's house due to the air ducts. Ed could even smell the damp mildew inside the air vents, and that spooked him.

"Right." Eddy just nodded, before glancing up at his hairs and smoothed them down.

"Aw."

"Here they are! Now Ed, turn your head that way." Double D, now dressed as a surgeon held up a homemade ear inspecting machine. It was a flashlight with a small strainer-type attachment. Ed turned his head and Double D turned the flashlight on, and using a magnifying glass that was also attached via tubes and mirrors looked into Ed's ear.

What he saw was amazing. Ed's ear was usually full of wax and sometimes even toe nail clippings; but today it was clean. Totally clean. Even the hairs seemed to have been mowed down, and Ed could see for quite a distance. In fact, the light shone clear out of Ed's head now onto the wall. Ed side glanced and gawfled as Eddy did some shadow puppets against the wall.

"Well his ears seem to be perfectly fine! No sign of irregularity at all!" Double D commended.

"Check his eyes; he said he SEES too much too." Eddy pointed out.

"Oh, thank you Nurse Eddy!" Double D grinned.

"Don't call me that." Eddy snarled. Double D used the same machine as he had used for Ed's ears to check his eyes. If anything, Ed's eyes seemed to be clearer then usual too! They even had a certain sparkle to them. Ed blinked, surprising Double D since the magnifying glass was on high. He stepped back. "His eyes are fine, Eddy…"

"Double D, you still smell of oatmeal." Ed said, and pointed to Double D's shirt. To be specific, a certain park. "And there's a speck there." Double D looked down; but saw nothing. He then used his magnifying glass; and sure enough; an almost microscopic piece of oatmeal had made home on his shirt. First he looked surprised, then totally in awe.

"Wow Ed! No human eye would have been able to pick that up!" he declared.

"Since when did we call monobrow here normal?" Eddy asked, looking into Ed's ear without the tools.

"Uhm… anyway! Anything else bothering you, Ed?" Double D asked.

"Says he smells things too." Eddy replied, pulling Ed's ear more to get a better look.

"Be careful with Ed's head, Eddy." Double D instructed before using the same tool again, this time up one of Ed's nostrils. He feared what he'd see; knowing Ed he probably didn't blow his nose that often. But, it was as clean as his ears were. Only hair, and his inner skin seemed to shine with brilliance.

"…your thingamajigger smells like your closet next to your science books on Time Space Continuum." Ed declared. Double D leant back, eyes wide.

"How do you know where I store my things?!" he asked, now getting spooked.

"Cause it smells like it." Ed shrugged.

"Ed… NOTHING should smell like that!!" Double D backed up slightly, "Ed, what happened to you last night?"

"I was watchin' movies! Movies good for Ed. Then… uh… then…" Ed trailed off. He  had no memory of what happened then. All he remembered was the movies, then waking up. "Eddy smells like he's getting a plan!" he suddenly chirped.

"When you know something Ed, you know it well!" Eddy grinned, "And yes I do! Look what we have here Double D, Ed can smell what you feel, see things! We could make big bucks out of this!"

"Oh no…"

[To be continued! BAM BAM.]