A/N: Umm... I don't know anything about Japanese dinner customs, so I just kinda play on the idea that my readers don't either ; Pretty big assumption, ne?

Flutter Part 5 : Love

by loveasthouwilt

Daisuke opened the door. When he saw that it was me, he gasped and quickly attempted to shut me out. Expecting as much, I calmly set my foot to jam the door. "We need to talk." I said ominously.

I don't take pleasure in seeming so cold. It's an old shield I used to employ to keep my feelings for Daisuke a secret. Though the crush has come and gone, I can't seem to slough the visage. Old habits die hard, I guess.

So instead of desperately begging for him to let me in, I just stood there with my foot in the door and a look on my face that said he'd better let me in or else.

After a few thoughtful moments, my foot scooted forward, opening the door as Daisuke moved away from it defeatedly.

I let myself in and watched Daisuke shuffle to the next room.

"Dammit, Daisuke. Stop running away."

I followed him unhurriedly, knowing he could only run so far. He appeared to be alone in the apartment, as was usual. Trapping him in his room was probably not the best way to approach him, but he really didn't leave me much choice in the matter.

"Okay, Daisuke..." I challenged angrily as I opened his door, but I never finished because I was worried to find him sitting against one of his walls with his knees drawn up under his chin. He wasn't wearing his goggles, his skin was a tint paler, and he looked like he hadn't slept in days.

I don't understand why he's taking this so much harder than the others. Even if he is correctly assuming some of the things I used to think about him, he doesn't have anything to worry about. I'm not interested in him like that any more. I know better. And I have Yama, now.

On the other hand, he has had a lot of time to really think about it... and he might have just decided it really is as sick and wrong as it can be made out to be.

Whatever the case, he looked really hurt. I felt like...hugging him or something. But under the circumstances I figured touching him in any way would be extremely destructive.

So I sat down beside him, close but not too close, and drew my knees up in much the same manner his were. After studying him for a while, watching him stare blindly into nothing, I knew I was going to have to say something first.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked flatly. Easier to show no emotion than to let the pain free.

"No." he croaked. Then he coughed a few times to clear his voice. Always looking straight ahead.

I paused to consider my words. He was probably only going to answer yes/no questions so I had to get as much out of them as possible. "Are you... sad because of something I did?"

He didn't say anything, which said a lot more than he intended.

"Are you..." my voice was starting to shake, and I had to stop for a moment to regain control. "Are you afraid of me?" Afraid of getting too close?

"No."

My brow furrowed and my lips parted. No? Then why run away from me? Why avoid me?

"Do you think I'm disgusting or perverted or something?" Now the pain was coming through, but it sounded like anger. I didn't mean for it to. A question like that should have been handled tactfully. Now, even if Daisuke's answer was yes, he'd blurt out no because I got angry.

"No, it's nothing like that." He said with easy sincerity.

I carefully allowed concern into my voice. "Are we still friends?"

A smile edged his lips. "Yes."

I leaned back, letting my head bump against the wall, and sighed with relief. "I was worried there for a while." I said casually.

He lifted his head and looked at me. "Really?"

I looked back at him, "Of course." Then I had an idea of what might be bothering him. "Just because I'm with Yamato doesn't mean I don't care about my other friends. Especially you."

He looked disappointed in my answer and set his chin back on his knees. Every time I think I'm getting somewhere, he proves me wrong.

He licked his lips apprehensively. "Can...I ask you something?"

"Yes." Good. He was going to open up a little.

He hugged his knees closer and took a deep breath. "Why are you gay?"

Why I didn't expect that, I'll never know, but it threw me totally off guard, shattering my stony mask. "I... don't know... how to answer that..." I sputtered.

Reddish-brown brows drew together and he turned his head to face me. "No, I want to know. What do you look for in a boyfriend?"

The challenge in his voice made me really tense. This was getting extremely personal!

And why should Daisuke want to know about something like that, anyway?

I felt like I owed him an answer, if only because he's been such an understanding friend, so taking a deep breath to calm myself, I drew my knees closer to myself.

"I guess... I just want someone stronger than I am, physically and emotionally..." I offered. "Someone who will protect me... someone who is hard and soft at the same time..." Then I smiled a little, "...someone who likes to play..."

Sigh... Yama...

I glanced at Daisuke, who was watching and listening disturbingly intently, and I quickly looked back forward.

When he realized I wasn't going to say anything else, he went back to frowning at his knees. "I've been thinking..." he said quietly, "that the person I want to be with is probably someone... strong-willed... but still soft... who'll tell me when I've screwed up, but doesn't get mad at me... someone who likes me for who I am and who doesn't play stupid games..."

My hands moved to the floor on either side of me. "Is that what you've been thinking about all this time?" I asked confusedly. "Re-evaluating your relationship with Hikari?"

He sighed. "Sort of..."

I scowled at him. "Then why were you avoiding me?!"

He lifted his head and caught my eyes with his, his chocolate gaze sad and longing.

My scowl dissolved into shock, my eyes wide and my lips parted.

Oh... Shit!

And I just watched him dumbly as he turned to kneel in front of me, putting his hands on my knees and slowly nearing his face to mine.

No... This is wrong... Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Yet I just sat there, stunned, as his lips clumsily found mine.

Daisuke...

My unobtainable love...

I leaned into the kiss, my fingers clutching the carpet in desperate attempt to keep my hands off of him.

Daisuke...

My lips parted...

Shit!! Ken! Stop!

With a gasp, I jerked my head back, violently breaking the kiss, my whole body shaking.

This is wrong.

The whole reason I ever fantasized about Daisuke is because I couldn't have him. It was a lust that used to amuse the Kaizer.

It's not amusing any more.

I shook my head. "I can't, Daisuke...."

He backed off of me sadly. "Because you'd hurt Yamato."

"Because I love Yamato."

He said nothing.

I love Yamato. I love the strength of his embrace, the warmth and softness of his skin, the passion in his kiss, the confidence in his smile, the humor in his eyes.

I love Yamato.

"I'm really sorry, Daisuke." I said downheartedly. "I don't know what else to say."

Still, he said nothing, just frowned.

"Can we still be friends?" I asked, fearing the worst.

He snorted scornfully.

"Please" I begged. "I don't know what I'd do without your friendship."

"Yeah, I guess so," he said halfheartedly. Then he casually changed the subject. "You want to play video games?"

"Sure..."

I know the whole point of me coming over here was to fix things, not avoid them, but ... I just wanted try to forget any of this ever happened.

He gave me a crooked smile. "I get first player."

"Oi, you always get first player."

"That's cause I'm the leader!"

"It's cause you're a brat." I teased.

He closed his eyes and grinned agreeingly. Then he started up the game system. Nothing more was said about that kiss. It wasn't a problem if it wasn't mentioned.

It wasn't a problem...

Yamato was late. Very late.

Mama had become a nervous wreck, bustling around the kitchen, rearranging items in the cabinets, wiping off countertops over and over, checking to make sure the food was still warm, looking mindlessly into the refrigerator for nothing imparticular, washing her hands.... wringing her hands.

I shouldn't have been nervous at all! This was going to work out great. Mama would see how wonderful Yamato is and we wouldn't have to sneak around her anymore.

But he's late. Not a good first impression.

Doesn't he know any better?

I was sitting at the dining table, looking down at the expensive white plate in front of me.

There was still a part of me that didn't want to see him, the part that needed to admit what had happened with Daisuke. There had been an unsaid agreement between Daisuke and me that we wouldn't say anything to anyone about it, but... I kissed him. Sure he kissed me first, but I kissed back...

I had to tell Yamato. It wouldn't be fair to him if I didn't.

Papa walked behind me, ruffling my hair as he passed. "Cheer up, Ken. It's not the end of the world."

I sighed. It might be...

My mind wandered back to Daisuke. I can't believe he kissed me. I had to turn him down. I love Yama. But... what's he going to do now?

No... I'm sure he'll be fine. He's just confused. He'll get over it.

He'll be fine.

Where in the hell is Yama!

Sigh.

"Ken," Papa said from the hallway. "I think your friend is at the door. Why don't you answer it?"

Yama!

I hopped up from the table and walked hastily to the front door, running a hand through my hair nervously before opening it.

He was wearing baggy khakis and a striped button-up long-sleeved shirt that wasn't tucked in, which I took as an attempt to dress up in a Yamato kind of way.

He would have looked wonderful to me no matter what he was wearing.

He smiled broadly at me.

This dinner was important, and his confidence worried me. I hoped he recognized the need not necessarily to be himself, but to impress my parents.

I let him in and introduced him to Mama and Papa.

"Thank you for inviting me," Yamato said with a bow. "I'm glad to finally meet you."

When he looked back up, Papa was smiling, Mama was glaring.

"Come on in and sit down," Papa offered. "I'm starving." There was thankfully nothing in his voice that suggested that he wouldn't be starving if Yamato had arrived on time.

Mama immediately turned and went back into the kitchen to bring out the meal, and I, as nervously and wordlessly as she, took a seat at the dining table. Yamato sat next to me and Papa sat across from him.

The smile was gone from Yamato's face, which made me wonder if he was edgy after all.

"So, tell me something about yourself," Papa said to Yamato. "Ken tells us you're in a band?"

"Yeah," Yamato said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm... singer and songwriter. In fact, the band is why I was so late getting here." He glanced at me then down at the table. "We were trying to get some time on the radio, but no one will take us on yet." He looked back at Papa and gave a kind of disappointed smile. "So I guess we'll go on playing at birthdays and dance parties."

Mama came out of the kitchen and started setting food on the table. "Is that where you're devoting your future then?" she asked unenthusiastically without looking at him. "The music business."

"I'm just a teenager, Ichijouji-san," he said, trying to smile. "I'm not devoting my future to anything yet."

"What about school?" she pressed, this time catching his eyes challengingly. "Are you devoted to that?"

"Mama!" Papa scolded. "Be polite."

"I'm not at the top of my class, if that's what you're asking," Yamato told her. "But I work hard and I get by."

Unimpressed, Mama narrowed her eyes, then her attention turned to me. "Ken, you're not saying much." I held my breath and looked at her helplessly. "What do you think about Yamato and his band... thing."

"I... I've heard them play once, at that party when I first met Yamato." I looked down again, avoiding any eye contact. I hated being put on the spot like that. "They sounded really good... I'm not familiar with the business, but I think that if they keep trying they'll get a recording contract." I had no clue what I was talking about, and I was sure I sounded like a total idiot.

Mama shook her head, unconvinced, and motioned for us to help ourselves. For a while all conversation stopped, but then Papa started it up again.

"What do you two actually do together?" he asked looking between us both.

Yamato's brows drew together, "Umm.." and he looked at me, as if I had an answer.

Mostly make out. You gonna tell them that?

Shit... what do we do, other than that...?

"Talk about stuff, mostly." He finally said. "School and family and friends." He shrugged. "Just talk."

"So you really have nothing in common," Mama summarized, "except... the obvious..."

Now Yamato was glaring back at her. "More than you assume," he snapped.

Ooh, that wasn't good. Yamato didn't need to be picking a fight with my mother.

Papa quickly broke the ensuing silence by addressing me. "How was Daisuke when you went to see him today? Your mother said he sounded sick when she last spoke to him."

Mama and Yamato both turned to look at me, the malice gone from their eyes, replaced by curiosity.

I felt sick to my stomach.

"Um..." I shrugged "He seemed okay. A little tired. We played video games."

He kissed me.

I was fiercely startled by the crack of Yamato's glass as it went rolling across the table, tea and ice spilling everywhere. He cursed and stood up, his shirt soaking.

You would have thought I had said that last sentence out loud, considering the commotion that followed, but luckily it was just a cruel coincidence.

"I'll go get a towel," Mama said with irritation as she stood and went off to the other room.

Papa was already working with napkins to contain the mess. "Ken, go get Yamato a different shirt." he said absently.

While Papa wasn't looking, I grabbed some food for Minomon held it behind my back. "Ok, Papa."

I led Yamato into my room, not bothering to turn on the light since I had left the lamp on earlier.

"I get the feeling this isn't going well," Yamato said as he watched me fetch Minomon from my bed.

"Got that impression, ne?" I said sarcastically, putting Minomon and the food both on my desk.

Yamato frowned angrily. "Well, it's not like you're saying anything to improve the situation."

I went to my closet and pulled out the first button-up shirt I found and tossed it to him. "Maybe that's because there's nothing to say to make things better."

He held the shirt in one hand and started unbuttoning the one he was wearing. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know...." I groaned, looking towards Minomon. "I just thought this was going to be easy, but Mama's not giving you the chance I thought she would. I trusted her more than that."

Then I looked back at Yamato. He was already stuffing his arms into my replacement shirt. And he wasn't making a move to button the shirt up, either. He looked good bare-chested.

I have to tell him... I don't want to! I want to just forget about it...

But I can't do that... I have to tell him.

"What would you do if Taichi kissed you?" I asked pointedly.

"I'd hit him. Why?"

"I'm being serious."

"So am I."

I sighed angrily.

"Nothing is ever going to happen between me and Taichi," he said comfortingly. Then he tilted his head questioningly. "Why would you even think that?"

I hugged myself apprehensively, attempting to control my trembling, and frowned at the ground. I was leading this in totally the wrong direction.

"Daisuke kissed me," I confessed.

The inquiry on Yamato's face was immediately replaced by devastation.

"And... I didn't mean to... but I kissed him back..."

He recoiled and looked away sadly, starting to button up the shirt. I reached out and grabbed his hand, stopping him.

"I just wanted you to know that it happened," I explained. "I didn't mean for it to, and it's not going to happen again. I'm not in love with Daisuke." I took my hand off of him, feeling far to low to deserve his comforting touch.

"Jeez, Ken, scare me to death," he teased breathlessly, pulling me into a hug. "I thought for sure I couldn't compete with Daisuke if something like this happened."

I closed my eyes and held him tightly, calmed by the warmth of so much of his bare skin. "I never want anyone but you."

He sighed happily, his breath hot against my neck.

The embrace relaxed. "Does that mean... that Daisuke's gay too?" he asked.

"No." was my immediate answer. "He's just confused. We won't talk about it and he'll get over it."

Yamato frowned and backed away from me. "That's horrible!"

"W-What??" What did I say?

"'He'll get over it'?" he shouted at me. "He doesn't need you to pretend nothing's wrong. He needs you to be there for him so he can figure himself out. Otherwise he's going to continue to mindlessly chase Hikari or some other girl because he's expected to, not because he wants to. And he'll be unhappy."

"Don't yell at me!" I growled mournfully. "I don't want him to get hurt! He'll be happier without this to deal with!"

"Ken, you know better."

"No!!" I insisted, trying to keep my voice down, trying to hold back tears. "He's just confused. We won't encourage him and he'll be fine."

He'll be fine...!

"I want him to be normal," I sobbed as Yama reached out for me comfortingly. "I don't want his parents to hate him! I don't want his friends to abandon him...! I don't want him to be shunned and hated and hurt!!"

"I bet you sound just like your mother," Yama said gently.

After all she's put us through, he still gives her the benefit of a doubt.

All I want is for no one to be hurt.

But life just doesn't work that way.

There was movement in the hall and when we turned to look, we could see a shadow moving across the light coming underneath the closed door.

How long had Mama been standing out there?

I backed away from Yamato, wiping my eyes. "We'd better go back in there," I said. "It doesn't take this long to change a shirt..."

His ice blue eyes locked on mine and he smiled, "Everything is going to work out, Ken... really!"

I nodded hopefully.

He buttoned up his shirt while following me into the hall. We separated when I went towards the bathroom to wash the redness from my face and he went back into the living room.

On my way to join him, Mama called me from her room. I found her standing on the balcony looking down into the streets thoughtfully.

"Yes, Mama?"

She looked at me briefly, and then returned her gaze below and sighed. "I tried, Ken... I'm sorry..."

I rested my arms on the rail next to her. "I'm sorry, too."

She shook her head. "I just... I just can't make myself believe that this ... choice of lifestyle... is beyond your control."

"Maybe it is my choice," I said sneeringly, fed up with being unhappy.

She looked toward me, her hands gripping the guardrail. "I don't approve of it, Ken. I don't. There's no sense in it! To ... stupidly put yourself in a situation that guarantees grief."

Stupidly?!

"You're the only one who causes me any grief!" I retorted angrily.

She glared at me wordlessly.

"I'm gay, Mama," I said straightforwardly. "I will always be gay. You can't change that."

"Why?!" she cried.

I searched desperately for an explanation that would be appropriate to tell my mother and drew a blank. "That's just how it is..."

"That's not an answer, Ken," she replied, wiping away angry tears.

"He makes me happy," I offered calmly. "He comforts me like no one else can. I need him."

Her lips parted worriedly. "Are you really so unhappy that you need that kind of comfort?"

My gaze fell to the floor. "Sometimes."

Her shoulders dropped despairingly. "Ken...." I walked back into the apartment and sat on the edge of her bed.

I watched her from the corner of my eyes. How she went back to looking over the rail thoughtfully, and how she hesitated to come back inside. Then I just stared at the floor, knowing that she sat beside me because the bed sank down a little.

She rested a hand gently on my knee.

"Alright, Ken."

I looked down at her hand. It was shaking.

"I don't understand what you're feeling," she said quietly. "Maybe I don't need to... I just want you to be happy... and if he does that for you... than I'm happy for you..."

I smiled, placing my hand on hers and squeezing lovingly. "Thank you." I whispered.

She sighed and slid her hand around the back of my neck, pulling me toward her and pressing our foreheads together. "I love you," she murmured tenderly.

I closed my eyes and nodded lightly. "I know you do, Mama. I love you, too."

Daisuke darted past me with an arrogant smirk and slammed the soccer ball into the goal.

"Ha! Take that, Ichijouji!" He grinned lightheartedly.

I stuck my nose in the air, put my hand to my mouth, and yawned dramatically. "Gloat if you will, Daisuke," I teased, catching the ball with my foot as it rolled towards me, "you're still going to loose."

His eyes narrowed in mock challenge.

I feinted the ball one direction and kicked it the other, sending Daisuke sliding in the wet grass, his arms flailing. I didn't bother to make the goal--no one was keeping score anyway--and offered to help him up.

"I could have got you if the ground wasn't so wet," he complained as I pulled him back on his feet.

"Excuses, excuses," I chanted jokingly.

It thundered and Daisuke looked up at the sky disappointedly. "Is it going to start raining again?" he whined.

I nodded. "Looks like it."

He looked back at me excitedly. "I bet it's not raining in the Digiworld!"

I tilted my head and narrowed my eyes, smirking. "That's not the reason you want to go the Digiworld, and you know it."

"Yeah, so!" he slipped passed me, stealing the ball and dribbling away.

"Yamato says he's going to write a song for you two!" I called out as he ran away, which stopped him in his tracks.

"Really?"

I sprinted towards him, forcing him to defend the ball. "Yeah, he says it's romantic that you have to cross worlds to see each other."

He beamed. "Yeah, it is, ne?"

"Ken!!"

Yama!

I spun around, and Daisuke launched past me, making another point.

"Cheater," I accused good-humoredly as I started to walk towards Yamato.

"What are you doing here?" I asked Yama cheerfully.

"I was looking for you so we could go out and your mom said you were here with Daisuke," he explained. "Which is good, cause I needed to ask Daisuke a question."

"Huh!?" Daisuke called out, hearing his name.

Yamato motioned for Daisuke to come over, "I was writing a song for you, but I can't for the life of me remember what that boy's name is..."

Daisuke blushed and looked away, mumbling something under his breath.

"What was that?" I teased.

"Wallace!" he shouted with a grin.

Yamato smiled and waved his hand dismissively, "Well, that doesn't help! Nothing rhymes with Wallace..."

Embarrassed, Daisuke rubbed the back of his neck.

"Well, you don't mind if I steal Ken from you for a while," Yamato asked Daisuke, wrapping an arm around me.

He shook his head. "No, go ahead. I don't want to play soccer in the rain, anyway."

"I'll talk to you online later," I said to Daisuke, then added with a sly grin. "If you're not too busy..."

He stuck his tongue out at me.

I laughed. "See ya later, Daisuke."

As Yama and I were walking through the park, it started to rain. Yama ran both his hands through his hair, slicking it back, but continued walking without complaint. And I sure wasn't going to complain... it could mean we'd have to shed wet clothes later...

Sigh. Yama.

"Where are we going?" I asked absently as we walked, watching the sidewalk dampen.

He pointed. "Right over there."

Luckily, we weren't too soaked to enter the diner. I wiped the rain off of my face, followed Yama to a booth and sat opposite him. (It would have been improper to get too close in a public place.)

I rested both my arms on the table and gazed at him dreamily. He took up a menu and looked over it intently. Asked me what I was having and I just said whatever he was having. And finally he noticed my eyes on him.

He smiled knowingly.

That smile I would die for...

And my heart fluttered.

-finale-

end A/N: for more Yamato x Ken, check out Flutter POV and Untitled by tygerszark/ k'