A/N: Lupin/Tonks, with nothing but dialogue. I felt like being a bit random.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to JK Rowling, and whoever else has the rights to portray them at this very moment. I'm not making any money from this. Serious, who'd pay me?
"You're my boyfriend!"
"What?"
"Pretend you're my boyfriend. Please? I kinda accidentally hinted to my mother I had a boyfriend and then she pushed for details and now she thinks it's you because I kind of accidentally said it was you and now she wants to meet you and I couldn't think up an excuse quickly enough and-"
"Nymphadora?"
"Mother! Hi! This is Remus. My boyfriend."
"H-h-hello. Mrs Tonks. Hello, Mrs Tonks."
"Mr Lupin, I suppose."
"Yes. That's me. Remus Lupin. You have a lovely daughter."
"I know. Am I going to have a lovely son in law?"
"Nymph, darling, can I have a quick talk with you? I want you to, um, help me check on the food."
"I knew it. Nymphadora, did you coerce this young man into pretending to be your boyfriend? Again?"
"Again?! I mean, I don't know what you're talking about. Nymph, please, a word?"
"Certainly. Rem…me. Remy. Come on."
"Okay, she can't hear us in here. Now, I want you to tell me everything you said to her. I can't do this without knowing anything. I don't know enough about you. And don't call me Remy."
"Don't call me Nymph. My mother knows I hate my name. It doesn't ring true."
"Maybe we've reached that stage in the relationship. Of course, I wouldn't know."
"Fine, fine. You know, I never thought she'd actually decide to drop in. She knows most of my relationships don't last more than a month, so there's no point."
"Do your real relationships last not last more than a month, or just the fake ones?"
"The fake ones. That is, all of them. My mother thinks it's a crime I don't have a husband, four children and a dog!"
"And you picked me because I fill two of those criteria?"
"Pants! Sorry, I wasn't thinking. If it's any help, I didn't tell her that. And I said nothing about any kind of engagement. That was completely off her own bat. That's why I haven't had any long-term relationships. Every guy I meet says the same old cliché about a lovely daughter and she comes out with the same line about a lovely son-in-law.
"She asked what I was doing with my time, told me no man would be interested in a career girl, and wanted to know where I kept going when I wasn't technically working. So I told her I was meeting friends, and then she wanted to know about my friends, and I told her about you and the others. Since I couldn't exactly focus on the fact I was hanging out with a guy who most of the world thought was a mass murderer, the head teacher of Hogwarts and a few ministry officials, I spoke more about you. And she jumped to conclusions and, well, I didn't contradict her."
"Why not? I mean, I'm flattered…"
"No you're not, you're creeped out. And I don't know why not. It kept her off my back for a bit, but when I didn't say any more about it she assumed things were going well and when I dropped in on her this morning she decided she'd come a visit."
"How are you intending to explain why I'm living in the Black family house?"
"I'm not."
"Fair enough."
"Look, you don't have to go along with this. Just say. I don't mind coming clean, I never meant to drop you in it like this."
"No! No, I don't mind. I just wish I'd had a little more time to prepare. I've have done a bit of clearing up, to start with."
"Oh, don't worry about that. When we go back in the place will be sparkling. I think she actually enjoys cleaning."
"Oh joy."
"So you'll really do this? For me?"
"Yes, Tonks, I will."
"Oh you absolute sweetheart! Love you! Mwa, mwa! Come on! Just be yourself, she'll love it. And no more of that cliché 'lovely daughter' stuff. She knows I'm not a lovely daughter, she had to put up with me for eighteen years!"
"Okay, you're squeezing me. Tight. Painfully so."
"Oh, sorry! So, ready?"
"As I'll ever be."
"Ah, you're back. So, Remus, what is it you do?"
"Me? You mean, like a job?"
"No, in bed. Of course as a job."
"Mother! You're making him blush."
"I'm b-b-between jobs. I was working at Hogwarts for a while, but I had to quit, due to, um, personal reasons. I'm currently looking for another job, but there aren't many teaching jobs available right now, and having worked with the kids once and I don't think I could do anything else."
"Really? That's nice. So you're unemployed."
"Well, yes."
"Is my daughter supporting you?"
"No. I have some savings which I'm currently living off."
"Mother, don't be so old fashioned! There'd be no shame in it if I was, anyway."
"How can you afford a place like this, without a job?"
"A friend left it to me. He… recently passed away."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm getting by. Tonks, Nymph, Tonks has been a real help."
"That's… good. I'm glad."
"Awkward si-ilence."
"Thank you, Nymphadora."
"Thanks, Tonks. Thanks."
"What do you think of her hair? And eyes? I don't like the way she changes her looks so often."
"I'm right here, mother!"
"I… it takes some getting used to, sometimes, especially the bright colours. I'm… to be entirely honest I'm not completely comfortable with it. It's a bit jarring, sometimes. It's like dating many different women. I'm not that kind of guy. Of course, inside, she doesn't change. She's always the same bright, bubbly, opinionated Tonks."
"Opinionated?"
"Yes, very."
"I like this one, Nymphadora. He's the first fake who's actually put an effort in and seems to know you. I think he might really like you. He's willing to be a lot more honest than the others."
"Mother!"
"You know I only came around to call your bluff. The worst I can say is that he's much older than you, but women live longer than men anyway, so I don't think that's an issue."
"Mother!!"
"If you think I don't know you well enough to recognise a fake boyfriend when I see one you are sorely mistaken. I am your mother. As long as you don't have to fake it in the bedroom-"
"Mother!!!"
"Mrs Tonks!"
"Now, Nymphadora, you take heed of what he's says about that tendency to change hair colours all the time, because really, dear, I think it's just crass to show off like that, and try and stay out of trouble. Oh, and do give this place a bit of a clean. I know men like the comfortable clutter, but some of that dusts looks like it's going to get up and fetch the broom itself. You know Witch Weekly always has a cleaning charm of the week, and I do wish you'd put some effort into your cooking. Men do like a good home cooked meal once in w a while, you know, dear."
"Mother, what century are you living in?"
"One where daughters have a little respect for their parents. Honestly, if you prefer women why don't you just say?"
"Because I don't! I like men just fine, I'm just happy being single."
"That's a pity."
"What?"
"Well, your mother did make some good points, but if you'd rather be single…"
"Remus Lupin, is this some roundabout way of asking me out?"
"…That depends on what your answer is going to be."
"Oh, honestly! Yes. There, my answer. Now ask the question."
"Will you be my girlfriend?"
"See, all settled. You are no longer a fake boyfriend."
"Well, that's just wonderful, dears. I'll drop by next weekend, to see how the cleaning's going, but I have to hurry off now. I have a meeting of the Witches institute, and Mrs Figgs has baked another of her cakes. Ta-ta."
"Goodbye, mother."
"Goodbye, Mrs Tonks."
"Bye, darlings!"
"Dreadful women."
"I can still hear you, Nymphadora."
"Grrr!"
"Thank you for one of the maddest mornings of my life."
"It was a bit mad, wasn't it? Still, good fun, and a good result, overall. You want some lunch?"
"As long as it's not your cooking. I don't want to have to fake liking it."
"Please tell me this isn't going to be a running joke."
"Oh, you can count on it."
"Just for that, you'll have to put up with blue hair."
"Blue is such a fake colour for hair."
"Do you want me to call you Remy?"
"Okay okay! Come on, I'm starving!"