TITLE: Bullet Proof

AUTHOR: Amanda Hawthorn

RATING: PG-13/ maybe R when finished

PAIRING: Grissom/Sara    

CATEGORY: Angst/romance

ARCHIVE: Sara and Grissom and my site

FEEDBACK: Love it, but no flames please I'm fragile!!

EMAIL: [email protected]

SPOILERS: loosely based on season 4

SUMMARY: An emotional case causes Sara turmoil, while it brings some startling revelations for Grissom regarding his relationship with her

DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No
infringement intended.
AUTHORS' NOTES: As always a huge thank you to the Sara and Grissom yahoo list for their constant support. This story is for everyone who was kind enough to leave a review for my other stories. This comes from the song Bullet Proof that Niff sent me to listen to and it hasn't been off of my computer since! Thanks to everyone

Huge Thanks to Marlou for beta-ing

Copyright Amanda Hawthorn September 2003

Bulletproof by Blue Rodeo

                                           

Tell me one more time again
Just like I didn't hear you
Like I don't know what's going through your mind, I do
I play the same game too
I know it's hard to stop
Even when you want to

Now the moon lights up your face
And I can see you're crying
You never liked me to see you cry, it's true
I've done some crying too
The hardest part about it
Is trying to hide it from you

It must be great to be so strong
Never needed anybody's help to carry on
But we're so scared of the silence and the tricks that we use
We're careful and we're cunning, but we're easily bruised
I don't want to lie about it
I'm not bulletproof

Well I finally found the way
To hide from all your glances
Till the waiting game we play is through
I can, but what's the use
When all I really want to do is hide out with you

It would be great to be so strong
You never needed anybody's help to get along
We're so scared of the silence and the language that we use
Yeah we're careful and we're cunning, but we're easily bruised
I don't want to kid about it
I'm not bulletproof

Tell me one more time again
I guess I didn't hear you
I don't know all the secrets that you keep inside
I tried the same thing too
But they all come pouring out of me when I'm talking to you

It must be great to be so strong
You never needed anybody else's help to carry on
But I'm not waking up each morning with forgiveness I can use
No I'm careless, and I'm cruel, but I'm still easily bruised

I'm so tired of lying about it
I'm not bulletproof
No, and I'm not going to lie about it
I'm not bulletproof

Gil Grissom looked at his reflection cautiously as he surveyed the new beard that sported his face.

Today was the first day of the rest of his life. Today he would return to work after his successful surgery and face the people who he had blatantly lied to for so long.

Closing his eyes, he tried to banish the denial from his heart. His last image of Sara had been one of anguish, knowing that he had hurt her again in his quest to keep order and stability the main ingredients in his life.

She had managed to cause his body to react to her in ways he would rather have acknowledged, but as always he had lied to her time and time again.

How many times could he ignore the flutter in his heart whenever she came into the room? How many times could he deny that she had no affect on him? His feelings were becoming harder and harder to control, and that's what truly scared him

Sara invaded his logic and caused it to scramble in every different direction. She made him lose his senses and become reckless. No woman had ever caused this reaction in him, and it frightened him to his very core.

In all truth, if he was totally honest with himself, he knew exactly what he had been doing over the past year. He knew his avoidance was hurting her, but he couldn't seem to stop. Oh he'd wanted to, so many times. It's not that he didn't want to stop. He did, so many times. He would catch the sheen of tears in her eyes and fight his instinctive reactions. If he touched her, then he would surely have lost himself in her being. He couldn't do that when he was trying so hard to keep her away. And losing himself was not the solution when he was trying so hard to keep her at a distance.

It has progressed to a point where she thought that he didn't care about her, and that hurt him more than any words ever could. He did care, of course he did, much more than he should, much more than his brain would allow. Didn't she know it hurt him deeply to see her in so much pain and knowing he was the cause?

Taking a breath, he regarded his reflection one last time before stepping away from the mirror. If anything, his time away had brought his fears to life. He had missed her so much, and that was his greatest downfall. Tonight, when he would see her for the first time in 4 weeks, he would ask her if she wanted to have that dinner he had declined. His fear of her power to hurt him had all but been replaced with his need to see her. No more hurting, no more emotional scars. They needed closure, and he needed to show her that he did indeed care.

Sara came into the break room tiredly and sat down in a seat next to Nick. Offering him a small smile, she took the offered mug of coffee he handed her.

"No sleep again huh?" he asked worriedly.

"Some," she whispered into her drink, closing her eyes until the swirling smell of coffee had invaded her tired brain. "I had an hour I think, I can't remember."

"Sara," he sighed, shuffling his chair closer to hers to lay a hand on her arm. "Listen, I know how rape cases affect you, why don't you let me handle this one and you take my suicide?"

"I'm okay," she told him defiantly, flashing him an angry look before moving to stand.

"Sara, stay," he pleaded, reaching out a hand to still her movements. "Look I'm sorry, I was only trying to help that's all."

She caught his eyes with her own and felt the anger melt away from her heart. Sitting back down again, Sara offered him a small smile. "Sorry," she whispered, turning her eyes back to the dark liquid in her mug, "I know you're only looking out for me, but I need to do this."

"Well Warrick could handle my case, maybe I could help you?"

"I can handle it," she told him, her voice soft as she spoke. Reaching out a hand to his, she squeezed his fingers in reassurance before moving her chair back to stand up.

"If you need my help," he started, worry etched in his voice.

"I know Nick," she nodded, "I'll come and find you." Turning away from him, she made her way out of the door and back towards the evidence room that had been home to her for the past 3 nights.

He watched her leave, knowing that she wasn't handling this well at all. Part of him was angry with Catherine for placing her on such a harrowing case, knowing that Sara poured everything she possessed into helping the victim. With Grissom gone, Sara had seemed to withdraw into herself more and more. The others hadn't seemed to notice at first, but only when he mentioned it did Catherine realize what was happening.

"Hey bro," Warrick chirped as he walked in through the door, "you first here tonight?"

"Nah," he shook his head, "Sara's here."

Looking around the room, Warrick turned back to Nick. "She's working already?"

"Yeah," Nick sighed worriedly, "I don't like this man, I don't think she's handling the case as well as she's pretending to."

"She's strong Nick," Warrick nodded, "give her credit. If she says she can handle it then she can."

"I'm not so sure…" His voice trailed off as both Catherine and Grissom stepped through into the break room.

"Griss?" Nick grinned, "You're back, and with uhm, a new look!"

"Hey good to see you again man," Warrick grinned, his eyes taking a double take when he saw the new facial hair.

Grissom's heart flooded with disappointment when he didn't see the one person her really wanted to. Seeing his eyes darting around the room, Nick stood up. "Sara's working."

"Already?" Grissom asked worriedly, turning his head to glance down at his watch, "shift hasn't even started yet."

"Yeah I know," he sighed. "She's been working 3 days straight, I don't even think she's been home."

"She can handle herself Nicky," Catherine told him with a smile, "she's a big girl."

"Cath, no offense, but you know as well as I do that rape cases have this affect on her." Moving towards the door, Nick flashed her an uneasy smile, "I've still got the suicide case to finish up."

"Rape case?" Grissom asked, turning to face Catherine as his voice raised a notch higher.

"Hey, you got an assignment for me?" Warrick asked hurriedly, breaking through the tense atmosphere in the room.

"Yeah," Catherine nodded quickly, trying to avoid the angry look that had found its way into Grissom's eyes. "We've got a DB in an elevator."

"Uh, okay," Warrick nodded tensely, "I'll go grab my stuff. Meet you outside."

"Be right there," she smiled brightly only to have the smile fall away when she turned back to Grissom.

"What were you thinking?" Grissom asked her angrily. "You know what happened the last time."

"Gil, she's a CSI, she has to be able to handle these cases. I gave this one to Sara because I knew she wouldn't let anything slip by her."

"Catherine, she becomes emotionally involved with the victim. I've seen what this does to her and I thought you would have been able to see that," taking a breath, he rubbed his hand tiredly over his eyes. "I….."

"Why are you so protective over her all of a sudden?" Catherine asked in a hushed whisper. "Let her do her job Gil, she's more capable than you give her credit for." Turning away from him, she walked out of the break room door, casting him a reassuring smile as she did.

Grissom stood stunned for a few seconds before his protectiveness crept upon him. He no longer wanted to fight the attraction that pulled him closer to Sara every time they were in the same room. With a heavy heart he walked out of the room to go in search of his elusive CSI.

Sara stared tiredly at the evidence spread out on the table, feeling more than a little empathy with the young girl whose life had been taken so abruptly. A thousand different scenarios flashed inside her mind, and each one held more horror, more fear and more anguish than the previous one. Reaching out to the pile of photos on the table, she held them up to skip through them one by one. Every bruise, every mark depicting the assault on the woman's young body caused the lump in her throat to rise higher and higher, bringing a sheen of tears to her eyes.

"You didn't stand a chance did you?" she whispered to the photos, her voice full of emotion. Closing her eyes against the tears, she placed the coloured images back onto the table until she could regain her senses and regain some perspective. Taking a deep breath, she puffed it in and out a few times until she felt the burning ache inside her throat die away, leaving her in full control of her emotions once again. She could handle this. She had to handle this, if only to prove to the others that she too could be emotionless like Grissom. Maybe if she showed less emotion and got on with her job he would find the time to at least speak in a civil manner to her again.

Grissom. His name floated inside her mind, bringing another wave of disappointment. He didn't want her, he'd made that abundantly clear, but she was sure as hell going to make him recognize her for what she was: a damn good CSI.

Shaking off the emotional bonds that bound her heart in a thousand unshed tears, she picked up the photos again, determined more than ever to find this young woman's killer. After all, work was all she had now. So setting each photo down individually, she set about examing each one in minute detail. Maybe she had missed something the first time.

Her pager beeped at her side and she pulled it off her belt to read the text in the small screen. With a heavy sigh, she stood up from her chair to go and face her demons, this time in the guise of the young victim young victims body.

Stepping out into the corridor, she made her way to the morgue.

Grissom saw her when he turned the corner and almost choked on the breath that caught in his throat. He had forgotten the power she still held over him, and to see her again after what seemed like a lifetime held him captive in a state of catatonic eruptions.

He walked slowly towards her, expecting her to look up and offer him a full-blown Sara smile, but she seemed to be focused elsewhere. Her eyes may have been open, guiding her along the corridor, but he was certain she saw with unseeing eyes. As he came closer, he was suddenly struck at how pale she was. The dark circles beneath her eyes stood out against her skin and he found himself fighting to breathe.

"Sara?" he asked softly as he came closer to her, holding out a hand to stop her. She stopped walking and looked blankly up into his eyes. For a second he was thrown into chaos when he saw the anguish in her chocolate brown depths.

Stepping backwards, she suddenly realized who he was and took a gasping breath. "Oh, Grissom," she said, trying to calm her voice, even though her heart was pumping wildly in her chest. "You're back, you look…different."

"Sara," he smiled warmly, not really knowing how to cope with the feelings that were cascading over his heart like the Niagara Falls. "You look tired."

"Working," she told him quietly, "you know how it is?"

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

"I, uh.." taking a further step away, she moved around him. "I have to go."

"Wait," he blurted, his voice a little more desperate than he'd intended. He watched with a mixture of warmth and fear as she turned around to face him. "I…" closing his eyes briefly, he opened them again with a new resolve in his heart, "You need some help? Another set of eyes could be useful."

Sara could feel her body trembling with his words and she cursed herself for being so weak against his hold over her. Gulping visibly, she just nodded silently. If she didn't speak he wouldn't hear the tremble in her voice. Turning again, she felt him come up to walk in step beside her. Neither dared to speak for fear of being discovered, that their inner feelings would be on show for all to see.

Their silence continued as they walked. Grissom chanced a brief glance in her direction only to look away just as quickly when she didn't return his gaze. He knew deep down inside that the damage he had caused to their friendship had become irreparable.

"Did you enjoy your vacation?" she asked quietly, breaking the silence in the air as they walked. Beside her, Grissom felt his heart lurch inside his chest. Her voice drifted through his senses and washed away some of the fear that had lain hidden inside his heart ever since he had known her.

"I," he started softly, knowing she needed to know the truth yet realizing he would hurt her again if he told her now. "I wasn't on vacation," he admitted quietly, watching her intently as she turned her eyes to glance at him, only to turn her head away again.

"Well whatever you were doing," she said softly, "it's good to have you back."

"It is?" he asked with a grin, trying his best to lighten her mood a little. When she didn't respond, he felt the smile fall from his face and wondered again how he could regain the trust she had once shown him.

They walked on in silence until they came to a halt outside the morgue. "What have we got?" he asked cautiously, watching her closely to gage her reaction.

"Young girl," she whispered, shoving the door open with her shoulder to hold it open for him.

Inside David looked up at her and offered her a small smile. "Hey Sara."

"David," she nodded quietly, acknowledging him with a brief smile. Moving aside, she allowed Grissom to move past her, silently watching the huge smile that appeared on David's face.

"Grissom," he spoke softly, "it's good to see you again."

"Thanks," Grissom muttered a little uncomfortably as he approached the table. "Okay, what have we got?"

"Young girl, raped and murdered," David told him, his eyes scanning over the body of the young female on the table. "She's roughly between the age of 17 and 22."

"You don't know?" Sara asked incredulously as she came to stand beside the victim's body. Looking down over the woman's pale face, she felt the sting of tears reach her eyes and she hurriedly blinked them away. Reaching out a shaking hand, she touched the woman's hair softly, as if trying in some way to find her killer with a simple touch. "Someone must miss her," she whispered. "She's someone's daughter."

Grissom watched worriedly as she pulled her hand away, to hang limply by her side. He had seen her like this before and it scared him deeply. Taking a breath, he tried to calm his breathing until the fears started to subside a little. "Sara, why don't you let me handle this?"

"Why?" she asked defensively, "I'm okay, I have been working to find out who she is for the last 3 days." Staring down at his hand that crept closer to her arm, she took a step backwards, moving away from his touch. "I will not abandon her," she told him, her voice low with humming anger. "I am all she has now, and I'll be damned if I let you take that away from me."

"Sara?" he whispered quietly, straining to hear her over the thumping of his heart in his ears. "I didn't mean…"

She looked away from him, her anger slipping away as quickly as it had arrived. "I'm sorry," she sighed, "I'm tired that's all, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

"It's okay," he told her soothingly, "all I meant was why don't you see if she's been reported missing? After all, you said someone must miss her."

"Yeah," she nodded, suddenly wishing the ground would open up and swallow her whole. "I think I will." Turning away, she moved towards the door and made good her escape, needing to put the distance between them.

An awkward silence hung in the air as Grissom turned slowly back to David's shocked face. "Okay, let's start with finding out how she died…"

TBC….