A/N: Here is the next chapter! This is one is a bit long and I would like
to say, "Thank you" to Jesse for doing such a great job at detail with this
chapter! Hope you enjoy, much more to come!
Disclaimers: The same as before my dear friends.
"Thanks D, I really appreciate it all this."
"Anytime, anytime," she smiled softly.
The two girls were curled up snugly on the couch beneath a heavy blanket, head and shoulders popping out of the top like two little turtles. Several hours had passed the two friends by while they talked and chatted about anything and everything, the two laughing and sharing stories to pass the time. For Ardelia, this was a rare and welcomed opportunity to get to know more about her stubborn and withdrawn friend. Ardelia had known Clarice for a long time now, but as best as she could remember, Clarice had never come close to opening up to her. When talk turned to serious issues, Clarice was like a brick wall of emotions; Ardelia could not figure out how to get through to the other side. Now, however, as they both sat warm and comfortable on Clarice's couch, Ardelia felt openness in Clarice that she had never before shown. If there was ever a better time for her to learn more about the life of this woman who was practically her sister, she had never noticed it.
"Clarice, remember back when we were trainee's and you got that case? And then you had to speak with Dr. Lecter?"
Silence.
"Yeah, and...?" Clarice narrowed her eyes at Ardelia, her defensive instincts kicking in.
"And well, what I'm trying to say is," she paused, " You didn't seem to be frightened that he was free..then you know the whole thing at Chesapeake with Dr. Lecter."
"What are you trying to get at D?" She asked rather harshly.
"Nothing," she held up her hands in defense, " Never mind."
"No, Tell me!" Clarice snapped as she tossed the blanket to the floor and stood. "Do you think I.let him go.because..because I have feelings for him?! Hmm? That I didn't try and arrest him? Cause, if you do-" Ardelia cut her off.
"No! I wasn't getting at that." She cried, her face becoming red with embarrassment at how stupid she had been to try and prod Clarice. She knew that girl better than anyone, and just the same she knew that Clarice hated being questioned.
"Then what?! You act as if you thought..that..that, oh never mind!" Clarice shouted, throwing her arms into the air in frustration. She sighed heavily, and fell backwards against the wall, her bony back hitting the plaster with a dull thud.
"Girl, I'm sorry, lets just drop it. Even if it wasn't that big if a deal," Ardelia said, glancing questioningly at Clarice, who was leaning against the wall, her eyes red from the stinging of tears.
Her cheeks were pale and motionless, and her chest heaved with deep sobs. Arderlia had made her cry; her best friend in the entire world, the only one she could ever trust, and she had made her cry. Ardelia felt a painful lump grow in her throat as she stared at the frail figure of Clarice collapsed against the wall, this strong woman that had been reduced this sad, sobbing statue of salt and water. Ardelia took a timid step towards her.
"Clarice?"
Silence.
Ardelia took another step, and as she set her foot down on the soft carpet, she felt a warm tear trickle down her own cheek. Her soft skin burned where it left its shiny trail.
"Clarice? Clarice! What's the matter?"
Clarice's body shook with the force of her tears, her lips trembling and her face turning red. She opened her mouth, and let out a pitiful whimper. She raised her eyes glistening eyes to Ardelia, and more tears flowed down her cheeks.
"Oh Clarice...,"Ardelia gasped, several more tears blazing there way down her cheeks to splash quietly on the carpet.
"Oh god Ardelia, its true. Its all true," Clarice whimpered, her back beginning to slide down the wall slowly as her legs folded up beneath her. She landed on the carpet with a muffled thump, and let her head fall back against the wall. "I do have some kind of feelings for this man they call a monster! He is always on my mind! What does this mean?!"
The pair stood in a cold silence, broken only by the sound of Clarice struggling to breath over the force of her sobs. Ardelia knelt on the floor, and swept a crystalline droplet off of Clarice's cheek with her finger. Clarice raised her bloodshot eyes to Ardelia.
"D, you don't think differently of me now?"
"No, no. I understand...I do," Ardelia whispered softly to Clarice. It was an outright lie, and she was sure Clarice knew it, but she said it anyway. All she wanted was for this woman to return too normal. As Ardelia crouched there on her knees gazing down at the slumped over figure of her friend, she felt frightened. She felt inexplicable fear towards the world that could do this to a person; she felt fear towards the sick God that would let this happen. And most of all, she felt fear for Clarice, who she had thought was so strong and so confident, but now seemed like a completely different person. This could not be the Clarice she had known since college. Ardelia knew it couldn't be. But as she sat there gazing into Clarice's defeated eyes, her once vibrant hazel eyes, she knew it was. It was her Clarice, her sister, and she was dying inside.
"What do I do.what do I do," Clarice's voice was barely more than a squeak. The tears has stopped flowing down her cheeks, but her face still glowed red with the strain of her sorrow, and her eyes still glittered wetly.
Ardelia sighed, and leaned over to her friend. She gently wrapped her arms around Clarice's delicate yet strong figure, and pulled her towards her own chest. Clarice fell willingly into Ardelia's arms, resting her tired head against the other woman's comforting shoulder. The pair sat there in silence, listening to each others labored breathing, while Ardelia softly stroked the long silky length of Clarice's hair with one hand.
Ages passed as the two sat suspended in a melancholy silence, the clock ticking away minute after minute in rhythm with the trickling of tear after tear down Clarice's cheek. Neither woman said anything, for neither knew what to say.
Ardelia began to feel the carpets tiny loops of fabric digging painfully into her knees, and the strain of supporting her tear-ravaged Clarice was beginning to wear away at her strength. The dampness of her shoulder beneath Clarice's face had turned cold, and the girl no longer took each breath as if she had to fight with every particle of air to get it in. Clarice now slumbered silently on Ardelia's shoulder, her soft, and smooth breathing tickling gently at the dark skin of her neck.
"Lets get you to bed," She turned her head and whispered to Clarice. She cupped her arms beneath Clarice's, and lifted her gently to her feet. Clarice stirred, her eyes flitting open, and she smiled kindly at Ardelia.
They made there way slowly upstairs, Ardelia still supporting the weight of her tired and feeble friend. They half-stumbled down the hallway into Clarice's bedroom, where she plopped Clarice gently onto the bouncy bed, and brought her nightgown out from the closet. Clarice took it from her with a thankful nod of her head, and slowly began removing her clothes. Ardelia turned her back to afford her friend some privacy, just listening to the soft swishing of clothes as Clarice half-mindedly changed into her night attire.
When she heard the soft creaking of Clarice laying herself down onto her bed, she turned around and walked over to Clarice's side. She already had herself tucked snugly under her heavy stitched blanket, and was quickly sliding peacefully into the tranquil void of sleep. Ardelia stood above her for a few seconds, gazing at the face of her distraught and pained friend, her eyes for once seeing more than just a person, but a tortured and withered soul.
Clarice's arms were sprawled out on either side of her, her figure looking everything like a pale delicate angel, framed in darkness by the sheets of her bed. There were dark red scars on Clarice's wrists that Ardelia had never before noticed. Her eyes grew wide with surprise as she reached down and brushed her fingers along her friends creamy white wrists, her fingers running roughly over the jagged lines that ran darkly across her supple skin. Another tear began to trickle down Ardelia's cheek, yet another burning trail being forged where hundreds had already fell.
"You sleep well, girl," Ardelia whispered into Clarice's ear. "I'll be here for you."
She bent over and kissed Clarice lightly on her forehead, then walked out of the room, closing the door with a quiet click.
The bright green numbers of Clarice's alarm clock bathed the entire bedroom in an eerie green glow, like that of hot flame. The jagged geometric numbers shimmered in the dark; 3:12 AM. Clarice lay motionless in her bed, her bright auburn hair spilling out over her pillow, looking like tendrils of smoke in the dim shadows of night. She had tossed the blankets aside in her deep slumber, and she now lay exposed, the sinuous curves of her scantily clothed body showcased on the dark sheets like a moonlit silhouette. The room was beautifully tranquil, as was Clarice's mind. Sleep was her refuge, the only time in her life when tragedies and tribulations did not interfere with her desires.
Yet happiness is to good to last, and the serenity of the sleeping woman was soon broken. The sharp, high-pitched ringing of a phone ricocheted about the room, snapping the silence into a million irretrievable pieces. Clarice's eyes fluttered open as her dreams began to seep away from her, her vision blurred and fuzzy in the iridescent green glow of her alarm clock. For several seconds, she lay stunned in her bed, the devastating realization that she had just been thrown back into reality slowing her train of thought.
Mumbling and cursing under her breath, Clarice groggily stood, and began to search the room for the source of the ringing. She found it in her coat pocket; the small smooth plastic of the cell phone that had been slipped in her pocket a few days back. She fumbled around in the pocket trying to get a hold of the phone, finally pulling it out and holding it up in front of her eyes. Every few seconds a harsh tone sprang from inside its plastic casing, barraging Clarice's foggy brain with sound. She flipped open the phone, and placed the cold plastic against her ear.
"Well, hello Clarice. So glad to hear you answered the cell phone I gave you."
Clarice froze. She felt her heart stop in her chest, her blood turn to ice in her veins, and her tongue turn to sand in her mouth.
"Ex-Special Agent Starling, I know you're there. I can hear your breathing. Might I say, it sounds as if you just came back from a long needed run." Hannibal chuckled lightly, the emphasis he put on her title slicing through her disbelief and prodding at her in the subtle way only Dr. Lecter ever could.
Clarice gulped, her frozen tongue feeling heavy and clumsy inside her mouth. Was she hallucinating? Was she still dreaming? She remembered it vividly; today she just had that huge breakdown in front of Ardelia. Thoughts of Dr. Lecter had been eating away at her insides ever since, and now this happened. It must be a dream.
She opened her mouth to try and voice some kind of words, something to let the man know she was here, she was listening, and she wanted nothing more than to talk to him. In her mind the felt the soft touch of his arms clasped around her body, the gentle stroking of his hands, the iron gaze of his maroon eyes. She felt the soft flavor of his lips against hers, the touch that set her tender flesh afire. She was lost in her own memories, drowning in sensations that never should have been, and never again would be.
"Starling, you cannot think to conceal yourself. A cell phone does not breathe all on its own."
The images and sensations faded from Clarice's skin, leaving a warm tingling along her spine and in her face. She pulled the phone away from her ear, and took one long, shuddering breath, her entire body shaking with the depth of it. Her stomach felt like it was made of jelly, churning itself over with every breath she took.
"Dr. Lecter.." She finally was able to whisper into the receiver of the phone. The force it took to say those words was almost more than she could take.
"Aw, my Clarice, welcome back to Earth. I was afraid you drifted back into your own fairytale land. Do you enjoy that land Clarice? I bet there, you don't hear the lambs." Lecter said, his tone flat and dead serious. There was no laughter or mockery in his voice this time; instead Clarice heard a kind of curiosity and concern. What the hell was this man up to? His emotions and tones changed so fast, they were so random and unpredictable that she never knew what his underlying motives were. Was her trying to antagonize her? Was he torturing her?
She felt herself clenching her free hand into a fist, her teeth grinding in frustration. Inside her, she felt this terrible growing sense of anger. It was an intense physical sensation, like a balloon expanding inside her body. She felt her limbs shaking, and she shut her eyes to try and stop the flow of tears. She boiled like she was a toddler about to throw a temper tantrum, and her immaturity and stupidity only made her angrier.
"What do you want, Dr. Lecter!?" She growled, her teeth clenched heavily and her eyes clenched shut, the tears being held back by sheer will.
"Temper, temper, my dear friend. You might want to watch that. You could get yourself in trouble with that attitude." Lecter once again resumed his sardonic battering of her psyche, his confidant mocking tone eating away at her own sense of confidence.
"I'll repeat myself once more, what the hell do you want?" Clarice felt her voice rising, her own tone bubbling with anger. Her breath rasped against the receiver of the phone, her face turning red with indignation.
Hannibal chuckled again.
Clarice broke.
As her entire body shook with rage, Clarice slowly drew the phone down from her ear and turned around to face the rest of the room. She gritted her teeth in one last desperate attempt to qualm her own fury, but all she could think about was all the pain this man had caused her. He had always been there, tempting her from beyond her reach. It was him that caused so many issues with the FBI. It was him that had always haunted her dreams. And it was him that was here now, reappearing in her life, stalking her around the city, making unannounced and arousing visits to her house, continuing to lead her around on a leash. The man delighted in seeing her squirm, seeing her suffer. She wouldn't take it anymore. No one put leashes on Clarice Starling! The FBI had tried, and failed, and now Hannibal Lecter, despite all his cunning and manipulations, would fail too.
She raised the phone up and took one last look at it before hurling it violently across the room. She watched as it hit the wall with a sharp crack, and bounced to a halt on the floor. In the eerie silence that followed, she could hear the droning sound of dial tone from all the way across the room.
It was the moment she saw it hit the floor when the feelings of regret first crept into her mind. For what seemed like hours the stood in frozen horror staring at the motionless phone, the continuous sound of digitalized dial toned reverberating inside her head.
"Oh fuck." She said aloud to herself. She just threw away a call from Hannibal. The man who haunted her thoughts and her dreams, the man who tugged at her desires like no one else ever had, and she had just threw away her only chance to talk to him.
"What the hell have I just done?!" Clarice cried, throwing her arms up in the air in consternation. She quickly walked across the room, gently picking up the phone as if Lecter himself were somehow suspended inside it. The phone was unbroken, and she sighed with relief, even if she didn't know why.
The fact still was, however, that she had just lost Hannibal. She had never even said a word to him. Not a single kind word. This was the first time they had talked since that passionate meeting in her living room, and she had made it seem as if he meant nothing to her, despite the fact that at this point in time nothing in the world meant more.
As she left that thought suspended in her head, the shrill tone of the ringing phone once again filled the room. Clarice looked down at it with wide eyes, and practically ripped the phone open as the lifted it to her ear.
"Still, after all these years, you never fail to surprise me, Clarice." Lecter's smooth voice once again washed over her ears, and this time she was so very happy to hear it.
"I'm very sorry, doctor, for hanging up. The phone found its way to the wall and I couldn't do much to stop it." Clarice smiled, hoping that by seeming lighthearted she would convince Lecter that she hadn't just had a huge breakdown.
"Oh, no need to apologize, Clarice. We all have our moments." Lecter consoled her thoughtfully. His attitude had totally changed since the phone call a few minutes ago. Whatever she had done had actually made Lecter change his behavior. For some strange reason, that made Clarice feel very special.
After the two shared a few moments of contemplative silence, the doctor spoke again.
"Oh, and Starling, do you still want to know the answer to your question 'what the hell do you want?'"
Clarice nodded her head slowly, forgetting for a moment that Lecter could not see her. The doctor, of course, knew enough to take the silence as a yes.
"The reason I called, Clarice, is because I need to inform you about something." He said, his tone neither urgent nor complacent.
"Okay, go ahead and tell me." She said, her fear and anger finally absolving into curiosity. Hannibal Lecter was usually a very blunt man; he said what needed to be said when it need to be said. So for Lecter to lead up to this so slowly and suggestively was far more personal and reserved than she had ever known him to act. The man's actions never failed to catch her off guard.
"No, Clarice, we must speak in person. Are you willing to meet me somewhere right now, or are you pre-occupied at the time being?" She could here him smiling over the phone.
"Is that an invitation to dinner?" Clarice laughed, beginning to feel herself sliding back into the familiar game of words that she used to enjoy on a regular basis.
"Does the idea of a picnic on your front lawn at 3 AM sound attractive to you, Clarice? My, you are adventurous."
Clarice paused as she considered what Lecter had just said. It took her three seconds, then she dashed across the room to the window, and flung aside the curtains. There, below her window, stood a single man, his figure a silhouetted shadow above a sea of pitch black. Clarice gasped, and stumbled back from the window in surprise. In her ear echoed the mirthful laugh of Lecter, his strong voice dancing around inside her head.
"Be calm Clarice. It was much easier for me to find you than it would have been for you to try and find me." Lecter said, a hint of laughter still in his voice. "Since your not alone in the house, however, it could be risky taking the front door. Perhaps you should come from your bedroom window."
"Dr. Lecter, you assume that I'm even coming at all." Clarice said flatly, even though she was already sliding her feet into a pair of fuzzy black wool slippers.
"By all means, Starling, it is your decision."
She paused.
"So, do I climb down the tree?" She asked after a few seconds hesitation.
"Precisely." Lecter answered. "And might I add, you have excellent decision making skills. You should consider a job in law enforcement."
This time, Clarice calmly let Lecter's sly jab slide off her skin. No need to spill blood over a comment she knew was not meant to do any harm.
"Hmm, all right. I'll be right out."
"See you outside," She heard a quiet clicking noise as the phone on the other line was snapped shut, and then a few seconds later, dial tone.
Clarice snapped her own phone shut with a grin, and tossed it onto the bed, where it bounced to a soft halt. Pulling aside the curtains once more, she swung both her feet out onto the roof, he slippers padding softly against the hard weathered shingles. She laughed as she pictured herself as the rebel teen girl, sneaking out of her room to meet with her forbidden lover, then abruptly stopped. 'Lover'? She chided herself harshly for letting such ridiculous thoughts into her mind, and refocused her attention on navigating the slippery shingles. About three paces of steeply slanted and shingled roof lay between her and the first branches of the tree, and in the dark each blind step seemed like it would be the one that sent her careening over the edge.
She placed her feet carefully, straining her eyes in the dim light that radiated from the window of her room, picking out loose shingles and carefully navigating around them. If she was thankful to the FBI for only one thing right now, it was the coordination she developed during her long years of physical training.
As she neared the tree, she let her pace quicken, preparing herself for the final lunge that would land her safely on the tree branch. He feet padded heavily on the remaining few steps to the edge, and when her foot hit the one loose shingle, she was falling before she even had time to scream.
Her feet shot out from beneath her, her back thudding dully against the tile below her, and a sharp crack resounded where her head came in hard contact with the broad face of the weathered shingles. After that all she saw was darkness, nothing but a few bright points of light dancing in front of her eyes. She felt the wind flowing chaotically around her, chilling her skin and billowing her nightdress open like a parachute. There she sat suspended for what seemed like hours, her mind feeling tangibly fuzzy, the world swirling around her as a mass of oppressive cold air.
And as quick as the as chilled hurricane had arisen around her, it dissipated, and all was calm again. She felt a firm presence pressed against her side, and looping beneath her shoulders and legs. She opened eyes, and though her vision was blurry and fuzzy, she still recognized the face that grinned down at her.
"Doctor, I must say," Clarice trailed off as her vision finally became clear, and she looked down to find herself suspended in his arms several feet above the grass, "that was a pretty damn good catch."
Lecter continued to grin at her, his dark eyes glinting in the dim light of the night. She basked in the warmth radiating from his body, and felt herself wanting to snuggle in close to him. She caught herself though, surprised and disgusted at how weak and uncontrolled her emotions were becoming.
"And Starling, I must complement you on your graceful fall." The doctor bowed down his head in a respectful hello, replacing words with gestures as he often did.
Clarice nodded back, feeling goose bumps rising all along her chilled thighs.
"Clarice, you must be quite cold. That dainty nightgown doesn't seem to be covering much." He said, tilting his head lightly towards her thighs.
She glanced down at them and blushed. Her lace nightgown had gone to the mercy of the wind during her fall, finding its way up her body, and finally wrapping itself around her hips. The silky pale skin on the inside of her thighs were bared suggestively at Lecter, the gentle curve of her flesh ducking under the shadow of the fabric just in time to conceal the more delicate and supple curves of Clarice's more intimate areas. Lecter himself maintained his gaze on Clarice's face, never once daring a glance at the alluring trail of pale flesh leading up her leg and into the treasure between her thighs.
Clarice hurriedly and awkwardly yanked her nightgown back to its proper length, battering down her own desire for Hannibal to shift his gaze hungrily to her lower portions.
Once she was satisfied that her gown had been restored to dignity, she looked back up at Lecter, his overwhelming gaze locking with her own, the intricate and enthralling depths of his eyes delving into her own. She felt invaded, she felt her entire soul being pulled out of her body with one fluid motion, and for a fraction of a second, she felt so wholly aroused that she was consumed by the urge to trace every inch of his body with her hand. She felt herself craning her neck, her lips pulling themselves towards the pale, smooth flesh of his mouth as if of their own accord. Inside, Clarice was screaming at herself to stop, but her entire body shook with the insane desire that was consuming her thoughts.
Just as her face drew close enough that she could feel the caressing touch of his breath against her skin, he lowered his arms, setting her feet softly on the grass. She felt her back arching up towards with a stubborn refusal to let go, her fingernails digging into the flesh at his arms as she begged for him to continue to hold her body against his. Nevertheless, he released his grip, letting her body fall upright onto the grass.
"Are you feeling ok, Starling? That was quit the fall." Hannibal looked down at her, his eyes still glittering with the intensity she had seen before.
His words knocked Clarice back into reality, where she stood in slack-jawed awe at what she had almost just done. Her mind raced, trying to find a logical explanation for why she had just felt that way. Her entire body felt almost numb, except for the warm rush of blood in her cheeks, and the enflamed tingling inside her thighs. There was nothing she could tell herself that could remove the shame of the way she had just acted, so she gave up, resigning herself to a quiet fear of her own inability to control her feelings.
She smiled timidly at Lecter, hoping to god that he had not noticed her latest loss of control.
"So, you got me up and out. What do you want?" Clarice questioned, carefully smoothing out the wrinkles in her nightgown, if just to keep her hands occupied.
"That's no way to ask a question Agent Starling."
"Okay, fine. May I ask what do you want Dr. Lecter?" she flashed an annoyed smile, reluctantly following along with Hannibal's strict guide of etiquette.
Hannibal reached out and brushed his hand against hers, wrapping his fingers firmly around her palm. He gently drew her closer to him, his eyes glowing like with a predatory heat that both scared and impassioned Clarice. Her eyes grew wide as he drew her close, until once again she could feel the soft touch of his breath on her cheeks. She gasped, unsure whether she'd be able to take any more of this without giving in to her primal desires.
" I just wanted to let you know, I'm leaving tomorrow night and I won't be back." Hannibal whispered, his warm breath whirling around her face, his eyes capturing hers like magnets.
"Till..?"
"Till never Clarice."
Her jaw dropped slightly.
"What..why?"
"Because Agent Starling, they know I'm here. They've known for some time. Your 'superiors'. And it's getting too risky for me to stay here in America. Not just for me, but for you. It is also too risky for me coming back, especially coming back to visit you. That is the only reason. I am only here to see you Clarice." For the first since she had met him, Hannibal's eyes grew soft, the confident set of his face and mouth fading into uncertainty.
Clarice stared into Hannibal's eyes, in disbelief. She did not know what to think, or what do feel. Was he being serious? He was leaving? He felt her, the temporary sense of elation she had been feeling in his presence vanish, sucked into a bottomless void that was filled only by him. She had never known this void was there until now. It was true, Clarice thought to her self, 'you don't know what you got 'till its gone'.
Or was the bubbly feeling in her stomach something else; was she glad he was leaving and never returning? Was it a relief, the end of innumerable stresses and confusing thoughts?
No.
She was sad. It was a void, and it was him that as creating it. Did she really need him that much? Had this cunning and devious monster really became something that she depending on with her life?
No.
No, she repeated to herself, there was no way she had become that weak.
She was just confused, in shock. It was all so sudden. It felt like a dream.
"Clarice?" He brought his other hand to her cheek, and gently traced the pronounced curves of her face with two subtle fingers. "What are you thinking?"
"I don't know how to feel. I'm confused."
"Confused, why?"
"My...my feelings are creating the confusion. I don't know. I mean, I must admit Doctor I do have some kind of feelings for you. You already know that, you always have," she paused, " But Dr. Lecter if you're implying I should run away with you.I can't. It would never work. I'm a federal agent.at heart at least. You, your.." she stopped, and tore her gaze away from his, unable to bear the thought that he knew exactly what she was going to say.
"I'm what Clarice? A Monster?" He said gravely, his eyes following the slow pitching of her head, stalking her movements carefully.
"No.no I wasn't going to say that!"
"Hmm, really? Then what Clarice? What am I to you?" he said rather harshly.
Clarice opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.
"I always thought you were more intuitive, Clarice, than to see me as the cold blooded 'monster' that the world sees me as. I always expected more from you, that ability to look deeper into a person; an ability that few have, and even fewer use. I guess you are not one of the few. Am I wrong Clarice?" His voice was louder now, his hand beginning to grow tense on her face.
Clarice forced back a wave of tears that welled up from inside her, desperately searching for the words to explain her to him. How could she, when she could even explain herself to herself?
"No! You KNOW I think of you as more than a monster! It just won't work out, okay!?"
Finally the growing tide of tears broke through, and once again salty droplets began searing their way down her cheeks, landing like crystal dewdrops on the cold grass below.
Hannibal sighed, his face and body softening up again. He lifted his hand from her face, sweeping his finger across her cheek, and lifting up a single, shimmering gem of water. He gazed at it for a second, as if seeing some kind of images in it, before shaking it smoothly to the ground, and focusing back on Clarice.
"Clarice, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. But to answer your question, I won't make you do anything against your will. All I am saying if you wanted, you would have this one chance to get away. Get away from what the FBI has done to you over all these years you suffered. Away from the lonely nights, with only your pillow to comfort you. Away from the liquor and coke, the temporary havens that only destroy you even faster. Away from those screaming lambs. Clarice I don't want to see such a strong woman, a warrior, who completely dies on the inside." She closed her eyes, letting her hot tears fall to the hard ground. She did want to get away from it all. Not just get away, but also get away with him. Just run away from her old life, and from her past. She wanted to be with him, and know that that void inside her would never again haunt her dreams.
But she couldn't. The problem, and solution, did not lie in him. She had never depended on other people for her happiness, and doing so now, when she was the most exposed and weak, would only lead to disaster. She had always been alone, and she would always be alone.
"No," she said under her breath, " I can't, so just..give up."
She whirled herself around to face away from him, her nightgown swishing at her knees.
Hannibal gazed sorrowfully at the back of this beautiful creature. He had been so sure she would say yes. He had been so confident she would want to be with him. Now, he had lost all faith. For once he felt true sadness burrow deep within himself, like an infestation within his very being. He felt a sensation that he hadn't experienced since he was a little boy: loneliness. The simple fact was his was heart breaking. He never thought it was possible, but now as his entire world collapsed on him, he realized it was. It was.
"I understand," Lecter calmly spoke to Clarice's turned back, to confused and lost inside this new emotion to conjure up any other words.
He sighed and walked up behind Clarice, placing both hands lightly on her shoulders. He bent over, and pressed his lips softly against that tender, painful badge called 'courage'. She felt one of his hands pull back, and rifle through his pocket. Then it reappeared over her shoulder, reaching down towards her hands, which lay frozen at her side. She lifted her hand to meet his, expecting him to lock his fingers around hers once more, but he didn't. Instead he placed a small, black jewelry box, with sides like polished ebony, into her palm, and drew his hand back.
"Good-bye Agent Starling." He whispered in her ear, then slowly turned on his heel and walked away. He was quickly enveloped into the shadows, his body disappearing forever.
Clarice clamper her eyes shut, begging herself not to turn around, not to run after him crying "Don't leave me!" She tore herself up inside, her desires jousting violently with her logic, the fury of the battle spilling more of her blood that any blade could. More than anything in the world she wanted to turn and around and call to him, to confess to him that she did need him and that she wanted to be with him forever.
~Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard~
She was alone now. The dark, cold void of loneliness collapsed in on her like water, stealing away her breath. She fought with it inside her, this strange feeling that she never had hoped she would ever feel. It tore away at her soul, dissolving everything she knew and thought she understood in life. Her heart was broken. She had never even knew she had a heart; her entire life had been spent slowly removing pieces and shards of her heart that had already been shattered, making sure that they could never, ever, break again. She had thrown away her feelings, drowned everything in her loneliness. Yet somehow it had risen again to haunt her, the each already fractured piece of her heart being smashed into a million more minute pieces. Without them, she would die, yet with them, she could not live.
She lowered her gaze to her hand, and gazed in a sorrowful fascination at the beautiful black box. She carefully reached over and flipped open the lid, her eyes growing wide as she revealed the contents. It was an amazing silver necklace, each link glimmering brightly even in the shadows that enveloped it. From one point in the loop hung two exquisitely engraved silver lambs, the pair cuddling up against each other, as if the metal creatures were trying to comfort one another. Just as she thought the shard of her heart could be shattered no more, they were; each piece erupted into a million tiny fragments that pierced through Clarice's soul. She thought she could feel her life bleeding away into the night.
All Hannibal Lecter had wanted was to be with her. All he had wished for was her happiness. Nothing more. And Clarice denied him. Denied him of his security, his cure for the pain, his love. She finally understood what she had done to him, how she had destroyed him. And she now realized that that same destruction would eat her up inside too.
"No, Clarice. You did the right thing..the right thing," she repeated, each lie cutting her deeper than the last. She was beyond savior.
At that she turned around to the tree, and without even rely thinking about it, climbed slowly up the branches, and back onto the shingled roof. She stepped carelessly on the shingles, half wishing she would slip and fall, finally ending this horrible nightmare she had created for herself. Yet she had no such luck, and crawled back into her room. She fell asleep with a hollow space deep in her chest, holding her pillow and the box.
Disclaimers: The same as before my dear friends.
"Thanks D, I really appreciate it all this."
"Anytime, anytime," she smiled softly.
The two girls were curled up snugly on the couch beneath a heavy blanket, head and shoulders popping out of the top like two little turtles. Several hours had passed the two friends by while they talked and chatted about anything and everything, the two laughing and sharing stories to pass the time. For Ardelia, this was a rare and welcomed opportunity to get to know more about her stubborn and withdrawn friend. Ardelia had known Clarice for a long time now, but as best as she could remember, Clarice had never come close to opening up to her. When talk turned to serious issues, Clarice was like a brick wall of emotions; Ardelia could not figure out how to get through to the other side. Now, however, as they both sat warm and comfortable on Clarice's couch, Ardelia felt openness in Clarice that she had never before shown. If there was ever a better time for her to learn more about the life of this woman who was practically her sister, she had never noticed it.
"Clarice, remember back when we were trainee's and you got that case? And then you had to speak with Dr. Lecter?"
Silence.
"Yeah, and...?" Clarice narrowed her eyes at Ardelia, her defensive instincts kicking in.
"And well, what I'm trying to say is," she paused, " You didn't seem to be frightened that he was free..then you know the whole thing at Chesapeake with Dr. Lecter."
"What are you trying to get at D?" She asked rather harshly.
"Nothing," she held up her hands in defense, " Never mind."
"No, Tell me!" Clarice snapped as she tossed the blanket to the floor and stood. "Do you think I.let him go.because..because I have feelings for him?! Hmm? That I didn't try and arrest him? Cause, if you do-" Ardelia cut her off.
"No! I wasn't getting at that." She cried, her face becoming red with embarrassment at how stupid she had been to try and prod Clarice. She knew that girl better than anyone, and just the same she knew that Clarice hated being questioned.
"Then what?! You act as if you thought..that..that, oh never mind!" Clarice shouted, throwing her arms into the air in frustration. She sighed heavily, and fell backwards against the wall, her bony back hitting the plaster with a dull thud.
"Girl, I'm sorry, lets just drop it. Even if it wasn't that big if a deal," Ardelia said, glancing questioningly at Clarice, who was leaning against the wall, her eyes red from the stinging of tears.
Her cheeks were pale and motionless, and her chest heaved with deep sobs. Arderlia had made her cry; her best friend in the entire world, the only one she could ever trust, and she had made her cry. Ardelia felt a painful lump grow in her throat as she stared at the frail figure of Clarice collapsed against the wall, this strong woman that had been reduced this sad, sobbing statue of salt and water. Ardelia took a timid step towards her.
"Clarice?"
Silence.
Ardelia took another step, and as she set her foot down on the soft carpet, she felt a warm tear trickle down her own cheek. Her soft skin burned where it left its shiny trail.
"Clarice? Clarice! What's the matter?"
Clarice's body shook with the force of her tears, her lips trembling and her face turning red. She opened her mouth, and let out a pitiful whimper. She raised her eyes glistening eyes to Ardelia, and more tears flowed down her cheeks.
"Oh Clarice...,"Ardelia gasped, several more tears blazing there way down her cheeks to splash quietly on the carpet.
"Oh god Ardelia, its true. Its all true," Clarice whimpered, her back beginning to slide down the wall slowly as her legs folded up beneath her. She landed on the carpet with a muffled thump, and let her head fall back against the wall. "I do have some kind of feelings for this man they call a monster! He is always on my mind! What does this mean?!"
The pair stood in a cold silence, broken only by the sound of Clarice struggling to breath over the force of her sobs. Ardelia knelt on the floor, and swept a crystalline droplet off of Clarice's cheek with her finger. Clarice raised her bloodshot eyes to Ardelia.
"D, you don't think differently of me now?"
"No, no. I understand...I do," Ardelia whispered softly to Clarice. It was an outright lie, and she was sure Clarice knew it, but she said it anyway. All she wanted was for this woman to return too normal. As Ardelia crouched there on her knees gazing down at the slumped over figure of her friend, she felt frightened. She felt inexplicable fear towards the world that could do this to a person; she felt fear towards the sick God that would let this happen. And most of all, she felt fear for Clarice, who she had thought was so strong and so confident, but now seemed like a completely different person. This could not be the Clarice she had known since college. Ardelia knew it couldn't be. But as she sat there gazing into Clarice's defeated eyes, her once vibrant hazel eyes, she knew it was. It was her Clarice, her sister, and she was dying inside.
"What do I do.what do I do," Clarice's voice was barely more than a squeak. The tears has stopped flowing down her cheeks, but her face still glowed red with the strain of her sorrow, and her eyes still glittered wetly.
Ardelia sighed, and leaned over to her friend. She gently wrapped her arms around Clarice's delicate yet strong figure, and pulled her towards her own chest. Clarice fell willingly into Ardelia's arms, resting her tired head against the other woman's comforting shoulder. The pair sat there in silence, listening to each others labored breathing, while Ardelia softly stroked the long silky length of Clarice's hair with one hand.
Ages passed as the two sat suspended in a melancholy silence, the clock ticking away minute after minute in rhythm with the trickling of tear after tear down Clarice's cheek. Neither woman said anything, for neither knew what to say.
Ardelia began to feel the carpets tiny loops of fabric digging painfully into her knees, and the strain of supporting her tear-ravaged Clarice was beginning to wear away at her strength. The dampness of her shoulder beneath Clarice's face had turned cold, and the girl no longer took each breath as if she had to fight with every particle of air to get it in. Clarice now slumbered silently on Ardelia's shoulder, her soft, and smooth breathing tickling gently at the dark skin of her neck.
"Lets get you to bed," She turned her head and whispered to Clarice. She cupped her arms beneath Clarice's, and lifted her gently to her feet. Clarice stirred, her eyes flitting open, and she smiled kindly at Ardelia.
They made there way slowly upstairs, Ardelia still supporting the weight of her tired and feeble friend. They half-stumbled down the hallway into Clarice's bedroom, where she plopped Clarice gently onto the bouncy bed, and brought her nightgown out from the closet. Clarice took it from her with a thankful nod of her head, and slowly began removing her clothes. Ardelia turned her back to afford her friend some privacy, just listening to the soft swishing of clothes as Clarice half-mindedly changed into her night attire.
When she heard the soft creaking of Clarice laying herself down onto her bed, she turned around and walked over to Clarice's side. She already had herself tucked snugly under her heavy stitched blanket, and was quickly sliding peacefully into the tranquil void of sleep. Ardelia stood above her for a few seconds, gazing at the face of her distraught and pained friend, her eyes for once seeing more than just a person, but a tortured and withered soul.
Clarice's arms were sprawled out on either side of her, her figure looking everything like a pale delicate angel, framed in darkness by the sheets of her bed. There were dark red scars on Clarice's wrists that Ardelia had never before noticed. Her eyes grew wide with surprise as she reached down and brushed her fingers along her friends creamy white wrists, her fingers running roughly over the jagged lines that ran darkly across her supple skin. Another tear began to trickle down Ardelia's cheek, yet another burning trail being forged where hundreds had already fell.
"You sleep well, girl," Ardelia whispered into Clarice's ear. "I'll be here for you."
She bent over and kissed Clarice lightly on her forehead, then walked out of the room, closing the door with a quiet click.
The bright green numbers of Clarice's alarm clock bathed the entire bedroom in an eerie green glow, like that of hot flame. The jagged geometric numbers shimmered in the dark; 3:12 AM. Clarice lay motionless in her bed, her bright auburn hair spilling out over her pillow, looking like tendrils of smoke in the dim shadows of night. She had tossed the blankets aside in her deep slumber, and she now lay exposed, the sinuous curves of her scantily clothed body showcased on the dark sheets like a moonlit silhouette. The room was beautifully tranquil, as was Clarice's mind. Sleep was her refuge, the only time in her life when tragedies and tribulations did not interfere with her desires.
Yet happiness is to good to last, and the serenity of the sleeping woman was soon broken. The sharp, high-pitched ringing of a phone ricocheted about the room, snapping the silence into a million irretrievable pieces. Clarice's eyes fluttered open as her dreams began to seep away from her, her vision blurred and fuzzy in the iridescent green glow of her alarm clock. For several seconds, she lay stunned in her bed, the devastating realization that she had just been thrown back into reality slowing her train of thought.
Mumbling and cursing under her breath, Clarice groggily stood, and began to search the room for the source of the ringing. She found it in her coat pocket; the small smooth plastic of the cell phone that had been slipped in her pocket a few days back. She fumbled around in the pocket trying to get a hold of the phone, finally pulling it out and holding it up in front of her eyes. Every few seconds a harsh tone sprang from inside its plastic casing, barraging Clarice's foggy brain with sound. She flipped open the phone, and placed the cold plastic against her ear.
"Well, hello Clarice. So glad to hear you answered the cell phone I gave you."
Clarice froze. She felt her heart stop in her chest, her blood turn to ice in her veins, and her tongue turn to sand in her mouth.
"Ex-Special Agent Starling, I know you're there. I can hear your breathing. Might I say, it sounds as if you just came back from a long needed run." Hannibal chuckled lightly, the emphasis he put on her title slicing through her disbelief and prodding at her in the subtle way only Dr. Lecter ever could.
Clarice gulped, her frozen tongue feeling heavy and clumsy inside her mouth. Was she hallucinating? Was she still dreaming? She remembered it vividly; today she just had that huge breakdown in front of Ardelia. Thoughts of Dr. Lecter had been eating away at her insides ever since, and now this happened. It must be a dream.
She opened her mouth to try and voice some kind of words, something to let the man know she was here, she was listening, and she wanted nothing more than to talk to him. In her mind the felt the soft touch of his arms clasped around her body, the gentle stroking of his hands, the iron gaze of his maroon eyes. She felt the soft flavor of his lips against hers, the touch that set her tender flesh afire. She was lost in her own memories, drowning in sensations that never should have been, and never again would be.
"Starling, you cannot think to conceal yourself. A cell phone does not breathe all on its own."
The images and sensations faded from Clarice's skin, leaving a warm tingling along her spine and in her face. She pulled the phone away from her ear, and took one long, shuddering breath, her entire body shaking with the depth of it. Her stomach felt like it was made of jelly, churning itself over with every breath she took.
"Dr. Lecter.." She finally was able to whisper into the receiver of the phone. The force it took to say those words was almost more than she could take.
"Aw, my Clarice, welcome back to Earth. I was afraid you drifted back into your own fairytale land. Do you enjoy that land Clarice? I bet there, you don't hear the lambs." Lecter said, his tone flat and dead serious. There was no laughter or mockery in his voice this time; instead Clarice heard a kind of curiosity and concern. What the hell was this man up to? His emotions and tones changed so fast, they were so random and unpredictable that she never knew what his underlying motives were. Was her trying to antagonize her? Was he torturing her?
She felt herself clenching her free hand into a fist, her teeth grinding in frustration. Inside her, she felt this terrible growing sense of anger. It was an intense physical sensation, like a balloon expanding inside her body. She felt her limbs shaking, and she shut her eyes to try and stop the flow of tears. She boiled like she was a toddler about to throw a temper tantrum, and her immaturity and stupidity only made her angrier.
"What do you want, Dr. Lecter!?" She growled, her teeth clenched heavily and her eyes clenched shut, the tears being held back by sheer will.
"Temper, temper, my dear friend. You might want to watch that. You could get yourself in trouble with that attitude." Lecter once again resumed his sardonic battering of her psyche, his confidant mocking tone eating away at her own sense of confidence.
"I'll repeat myself once more, what the hell do you want?" Clarice felt her voice rising, her own tone bubbling with anger. Her breath rasped against the receiver of the phone, her face turning red with indignation.
Hannibal chuckled again.
Clarice broke.
As her entire body shook with rage, Clarice slowly drew the phone down from her ear and turned around to face the rest of the room. She gritted her teeth in one last desperate attempt to qualm her own fury, but all she could think about was all the pain this man had caused her. He had always been there, tempting her from beyond her reach. It was him that caused so many issues with the FBI. It was him that had always haunted her dreams. And it was him that was here now, reappearing in her life, stalking her around the city, making unannounced and arousing visits to her house, continuing to lead her around on a leash. The man delighted in seeing her squirm, seeing her suffer. She wouldn't take it anymore. No one put leashes on Clarice Starling! The FBI had tried, and failed, and now Hannibal Lecter, despite all his cunning and manipulations, would fail too.
She raised the phone up and took one last look at it before hurling it violently across the room. She watched as it hit the wall with a sharp crack, and bounced to a halt on the floor. In the eerie silence that followed, she could hear the droning sound of dial tone from all the way across the room.
It was the moment she saw it hit the floor when the feelings of regret first crept into her mind. For what seemed like hours the stood in frozen horror staring at the motionless phone, the continuous sound of digitalized dial toned reverberating inside her head.
"Oh fuck." She said aloud to herself. She just threw away a call from Hannibal. The man who haunted her thoughts and her dreams, the man who tugged at her desires like no one else ever had, and she had just threw away her only chance to talk to him.
"What the hell have I just done?!" Clarice cried, throwing her arms up in the air in consternation. She quickly walked across the room, gently picking up the phone as if Lecter himself were somehow suspended inside it. The phone was unbroken, and she sighed with relief, even if she didn't know why.
The fact still was, however, that she had just lost Hannibal. She had never even said a word to him. Not a single kind word. This was the first time they had talked since that passionate meeting in her living room, and she had made it seem as if he meant nothing to her, despite the fact that at this point in time nothing in the world meant more.
As she left that thought suspended in her head, the shrill tone of the ringing phone once again filled the room. Clarice looked down at it with wide eyes, and practically ripped the phone open as the lifted it to her ear.
"Still, after all these years, you never fail to surprise me, Clarice." Lecter's smooth voice once again washed over her ears, and this time she was so very happy to hear it.
"I'm very sorry, doctor, for hanging up. The phone found its way to the wall and I couldn't do much to stop it." Clarice smiled, hoping that by seeming lighthearted she would convince Lecter that she hadn't just had a huge breakdown.
"Oh, no need to apologize, Clarice. We all have our moments." Lecter consoled her thoughtfully. His attitude had totally changed since the phone call a few minutes ago. Whatever she had done had actually made Lecter change his behavior. For some strange reason, that made Clarice feel very special.
After the two shared a few moments of contemplative silence, the doctor spoke again.
"Oh, and Starling, do you still want to know the answer to your question 'what the hell do you want?'"
Clarice nodded her head slowly, forgetting for a moment that Lecter could not see her. The doctor, of course, knew enough to take the silence as a yes.
"The reason I called, Clarice, is because I need to inform you about something." He said, his tone neither urgent nor complacent.
"Okay, go ahead and tell me." She said, her fear and anger finally absolving into curiosity. Hannibal Lecter was usually a very blunt man; he said what needed to be said when it need to be said. So for Lecter to lead up to this so slowly and suggestively was far more personal and reserved than she had ever known him to act. The man's actions never failed to catch her off guard.
"No, Clarice, we must speak in person. Are you willing to meet me somewhere right now, or are you pre-occupied at the time being?" She could here him smiling over the phone.
"Is that an invitation to dinner?" Clarice laughed, beginning to feel herself sliding back into the familiar game of words that she used to enjoy on a regular basis.
"Does the idea of a picnic on your front lawn at 3 AM sound attractive to you, Clarice? My, you are adventurous."
Clarice paused as she considered what Lecter had just said. It took her three seconds, then she dashed across the room to the window, and flung aside the curtains. There, below her window, stood a single man, his figure a silhouetted shadow above a sea of pitch black. Clarice gasped, and stumbled back from the window in surprise. In her ear echoed the mirthful laugh of Lecter, his strong voice dancing around inside her head.
"Be calm Clarice. It was much easier for me to find you than it would have been for you to try and find me." Lecter said, a hint of laughter still in his voice. "Since your not alone in the house, however, it could be risky taking the front door. Perhaps you should come from your bedroom window."
"Dr. Lecter, you assume that I'm even coming at all." Clarice said flatly, even though she was already sliding her feet into a pair of fuzzy black wool slippers.
"By all means, Starling, it is your decision."
She paused.
"So, do I climb down the tree?" She asked after a few seconds hesitation.
"Precisely." Lecter answered. "And might I add, you have excellent decision making skills. You should consider a job in law enforcement."
This time, Clarice calmly let Lecter's sly jab slide off her skin. No need to spill blood over a comment she knew was not meant to do any harm.
"Hmm, all right. I'll be right out."
"See you outside," She heard a quiet clicking noise as the phone on the other line was snapped shut, and then a few seconds later, dial tone.
Clarice snapped her own phone shut with a grin, and tossed it onto the bed, where it bounced to a soft halt. Pulling aside the curtains once more, she swung both her feet out onto the roof, he slippers padding softly against the hard weathered shingles. She laughed as she pictured herself as the rebel teen girl, sneaking out of her room to meet with her forbidden lover, then abruptly stopped. 'Lover'? She chided herself harshly for letting such ridiculous thoughts into her mind, and refocused her attention on navigating the slippery shingles. About three paces of steeply slanted and shingled roof lay between her and the first branches of the tree, and in the dark each blind step seemed like it would be the one that sent her careening over the edge.
She placed her feet carefully, straining her eyes in the dim light that radiated from the window of her room, picking out loose shingles and carefully navigating around them. If she was thankful to the FBI for only one thing right now, it was the coordination she developed during her long years of physical training.
As she neared the tree, she let her pace quicken, preparing herself for the final lunge that would land her safely on the tree branch. He feet padded heavily on the remaining few steps to the edge, and when her foot hit the one loose shingle, she was falling before she even had time to scream.
Her feet shot out from beneath her, her back thudding dully against the tile below her, and a sharp crack resounded where her head came in hard contact with the broad face of the weathered shingles. After that all she saw was darkness, nothing but a few bright points of light dancing in front of her eyes. She felt the wind flowing chaotically around her, chilling her skin and billowing her nightdress open like a parachute. There she sat suspended for what seemed like hours, her mind feeling tangibly fuzzy, the world swirling around her as a mass of oppressive cold air.
And as quick as the as chilled hurricane had arisen around her, it dissipated, and all was calm again. She felt a firm presence pressed against her side, and looping beneath her shoulders and legs. She opened eyes, and though her vision was blurry and fuzzy, she still recognized the face that grinned down at her.
"Doctor, I must say," Clarice trailed off as her vision finally became clear, and she looked down to find herself suspended in his arms several feet above the grass, "that was a pretty damn good catch."
Lecter continued to grin at her, his dark eyes glinting in the dim light of the night. She basked in the warmth radiating from his body, and felt herself wanting to snuggle in close to him. She caught herself though, surprised and disgusted at how weak and uncontrolled her emotions were becoming.
"And Starling, I must complement you on your graceful fall." The doctor bowed down his head in a respectful hello, replacing words with gestures as he often did.
Clarice nodded back, feeling goose bumps rising all along her chilled thighs.
"Clarice, you must be quite cold. That dainty nightgown doesn't seem to be covering much." He said, tilting his head lightly towards her thighs.
She glanced down at them and blushed. Her lace nightgown had gone to the mercy of the wind during her fall, finding its way up her body, and finally wrapping itself around her hips. The silky pale skin on the inside of her thighs were bared suggestively at Lecter, the gentle curve of her flesh ducking under the shadow of the fabric just in time to conceal the more delicate and supple curves of Clarice's more intimate areas. Lecter himself maintained his gaze on Clarice's face, never once daring a glance at the alluring trail of pale flesh leading up her leg and into the treasure between her thighs.
Clarice hurriedly and awkwardly yanked her nightgown back to its proper length, battering down her own desire for Hannibal to shift his gaze hungrily to her lower portions.
Once she was satisfied that her gown had been restored to dignity, she looked back up at Lecter, his overwhelming gaze locking with her own, the intricate and enthralling depths of his eyes delving into her own. She felt invaded, she felt her entire soul being pulled out of her body with one fluid motion, and for a fraction of a second, she felt so wholly aroused that she was consumed by the urge to trace every inch of his body with her hand. She felt herself craning her neck, her lips pulling themselves towards the pale, smooth flesh of his mouth as if of their own accord. Inside, Clarice was screaming at herself to stop, but her entire body shook with the insane desire that was consuming her thoughts.
Just as her face drew close enough that she could feel the caressing touch of his breath against her skin, he lowered his arms, setting her feet softly on the grass. She felt her back arching up towards with a stubborn refusal to let go, her fingernails digging into the flesh at his arms as she begged for him to continue to hold her body against his. Nevertheless, he released his grip, letting her body fall upright onto the grass.
"Are you feeling ok, Starling? That was quit the fall." Hannibal looked down at her, his eyes still glittering with the intensity she had seen before.
His words knocked Clarice back into reality, where she stood in slack-jawed awe at what she had almost just done. Her mind raced, trying to find a logical explanation for why she had just felt that way. Her entire body felt almost numb, except for the warm rush of blood in her cheeks, and the enflamed tingling inside her thighs. There was nothing she could tell herself that could remove the shame of the way she had just acted, so she gave up, resigning herself to a quiet fear of her own inability to control her feelings.
She smiled timidly at Lecter, hoping to god that he had not noticed her latest loss of control.
"So, you got me up and out. What do you want?" Clarice questioned, carefully smoothing out the wrinkles in her nightgown, if just to keep her hands occupied.
"That's no way to ask a question Agent Starling."
"Okay, fine. May I ask what do you want Dr. Lecter?" she flashed an annoyed smile, reluctantly following along with Hannibal's strict guide of etiquette.
Hannibal reached out and brushed his hand against hers, wrapping his fingers firmly around her palm. He gently drew her closer to him, his eyes glowing like with a predatory heat that both scared and impassioned Clarice. Her eyes grew wide as he drew her close, until once again she could feel the soft touch of his breath on her cheeks. She gasped, unsure whether she'd be able to take any more of this without giving in to her primal desires.
" I just wanted to let you know, I'm leaving tomorrow night and I won't be back." Hannibal whispered, his warm breath whirling around her face, his eyes capturing hers like magnets.
"Till..?"
"Till never Clarice."
Her jaw dropped slightly.
"What..why?"
"Because Agent Starling, they know I'm here. They've known for some time. Your 'superiors'. And it's getting too risky for me to stay here in America. Not just for me, but for you. It is also too risky for me coming back, especially coming back to visit you. That is the only reason. I am only here to see you Clarice." For the first since she had met him, Hannibal's eyes grew soft, the confident set of his face and mouth fading into uncertainty.
Clarice stared into Hannibal's eyes, in disbelief. She did not know what to think, or what do feel. Was he being serious? He was leaving? He felt her, the temporary sense of elation she had been feeling in his presence vanish, sucked into a bottomless void that was filled only by him. She had never known this void was there until now. It was true, Clarice thought to her self, 'you don't know what you got 'till its gone'.
Or was the bubbly feeling in her stomach something else; was she glad he was leaving and never returning? Was it a relief, the end of innumerable stresses and confusing thoughts?
No.
She was sad. It was a void, and it was him that as creating it. Did she really need him that much? Had this cunning and devious monster really became something that she depending on with her life?
No.
No, she repeated to herself, there was no way she had become that weak.
She was just confused, in shock. It was all so sudden. It felt like a dream.
"Clarice?" He brought his other hand to her cheek, and gently traced the pronounced curves of her face with two subtle fingers. "What are you thinking?"
"I don't know how to feel. I'm confused."
"Confused, why?"
"My...my feelings are creating the confusion. I don't know. I mean, I must admit Doctor I do have some kind of feelings for you. You already know that, you always have," she paused, " But Dr. Lecter if you're implying I should run away with you.I can't. It would never work. I'm a federal agent.at heart at least. You, your.." she stopped, and tore her gaze away from his, unable to bear the thought that he knew exactly what she was going to say.
"I'm what Clarice? A Monster?" He said gravely, his eyes following the slow pitching of her head, stalking her movements carefully.
"No.no I wasn't going to say that!"
"Hmm, really? Then what Clarice? What am I to you?" he said rather harshly.
Clarice opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.
"I always thought you were more intuitive, Clarice, than to see me as the cold blooded 'monster' that the world sees me as. I always expected more from you, that ability to look deeper into a person; an ability that few have, and even fewer use. I guess you are not one of the few. Am I wrong Clarice?" His voice was louder now, his hand beginning to grow tense on her face.
Clarice forced back a wave of tears that welled up from inside her, desperately searching for the words to explain her to him. How could she, when she could even explain herself to herself?
"No! You KNOW I think of you as more than a monster! It just won't work out, okay!?"
Finally the growing tide of tears broke through, and once again salty droplets began searing their way down her cheeks, landing like crystal dewdrops on the cold grass below.
Hannibal sighed, his face and body softening up again. He lifted his hand from her face, sweeping his finger across her cheek, and lifting up a single, shimmering gem of water. He gazed at it for a second, as if seeing some kind of images in it, before shaking it smoothly to the ground, and focusing back on Clarice.
"Clarice, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. But to answer your question, I won't make you do anything against your will. All I am saying if you wanted, you would have this one chance to get away. Get away from what the FBI has done to you over all these years you suffered. Away from the lonely nights, with only your pillow to comfort you. Away from the liquor and coke, the temporary havens that only destroy you even faster. Away from those screaming lambs. Clarice I don't want to see such a strong woman, a warrior, who completely dies on the inside." She closed her eyes, letting her hot tears fall to the hard ground. She did want to get away from it all. Not just get away, but also get away with him. Just run away from her old life, and from her past. She wanted to be with him, and know that that void inside her would never again haunt her dreams.
But she couldn't. The problem, and solution, did not lie in him. She had never depended on other people for her happiness, and doing so now, when she was the most exposed and weak, would only lead to disaster. She had always been alone, and she would always be alone.
"No," she said under her breath, " I can't, so just..give up."
She whirled herself around to face away from him, her nightgown swishing at her knees.
Hannibal gazed sorrowfully at the back of this beautiful creature. He had been so sure she would say yes. He had been so confident she would want to be with him. Now, he had lost all faith. For once he felt true sadness burrow deep within himself, like an infestation within his very being. He felt a sensation that he hadn't experienced since he was a little boy: loneliness. The simple fact was his was heart breaking. He never thought it was possible, but now as his entire world collapsed on him, he realized it was. It was.
"I understand," Lecter calmly spoke to Clarice's turned back, to confused and lost inside this new emotion to conjure up any other words.
He sighed and walked up behind Clarice, placing both hands lightly on her shoulders. He bent over, and pressed his lips softly against that tender, painful badge called 'courage'. She felt one of his hands pull back, and rifle through his pocket. Then it reappeared over her shoulder, reaching down towards her hands, which lay frozen at her side. She lifted her hand to meet his, expecting him to lock his fingers around hers once more, but he didn't. Instead he placed a small, black jewelry box, with sides like polished ebony, into her palm, and drew his hand back.
"Good-bye Agent Starling." He whispered in her ear, then slowly turned on his heel and walked away. He was quickly enveloped into the shadows, his body disappearing forever.
Clarice clamper her eyes shut, begging herself not to turn around, not to run after him crying "Don't leave me!" She tore herself up inside, her desires jousting violently with her logic, the fury of the battle spilling more of her blood that any blade could. More than anything in the world she wanted to turn and around and call to him, to confess to him that she did need him and that she wanted to be with him forever.
~Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard~
She was alone now. The dark, cold void of loneliness collapsed in on her like water, stealing away her breath. She fought with it inside her, this strange feeling that she never had hoped she would ever feel. It tore away at her soul, dissolving everything she knew and thought she understood in life. Her heart was broken. She had never even knew she had a heart; her entire life had been spent slowly removing pieces and shards of her heart that had already been shattered, making sure that they could never, ever, break again. She had thrown away her feelings, drowned everything in her loneliness. Yet somehow it had risen again to haunt her, the each already fractured piece of her heart being smashed into a million more minute pieces. Without them, she would die, yet with them, she could not live.
She lowered her gaze to her hand, and gazed in a sorrowful fascination at the beautiful black box. She carefully reached over and flipped open the lid, her eyes growing wide as she revealed the contents. It was an amazing silver necklace, each link glimmering brightly even in the shadows that enveloped it. From one point in the loop hung two exquisitely engraved silver lambs, the pair cuddling up against each other, as if the metal creatures were trying to comfort one another. Just as she thought the shard of her heart could be shattered no more, they were; each piece erupted into a million tiny fragments that pierced through Clarice's soul. She thought she could feel her life bleeding away into the night.
All Hannibal Lecter had wanted was to be with her. All he had wished for was her happiness. Nothing more. And Clarice denied him. Denied him of his security, his cure for the pain, his love. She finally understood what she had done to him, how she had destroyed him. And she now realized that that same destruction would eat her up inside too.
"No, Clarice. You did the right thing..the right thing," she repeated, each lie cutting her deeper than the last. She was beyond savior.
At that she turned around to the tree, and without even rely thinking about it, climbed slowly up the branches, and back onto the shingled roof. She stepped carelessly on the shingles, half wishing she would slip and fall, finally ending this horrible nightmare she had created for herself. Yet she had no such luck, and crawled back into her room. She fell asleep with a hollow space deep in her chest, holding her pillow and the box.