========= ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER =========
by Onkiu!

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Author's note: Hi, it's been 4 years since I last wrote any sort of fanfiction, so please bare with me. This is also my first HxH fanfic, I hope you'll enjoy it. 'Nuff said.

This is supposed to be funny, but if its not, oh well. I tried my best o_0. Writing this just lets out all the stress during my examination period. Any feedback is welcome, but if you're going to criticise, please make sure it has substance and pointers for improvement! Thank you! ^_^

By the way, this story takes place in that little time gap before the second OVA and after the first. Yes, I know Spiders don't hesitate to kill with or without a chain guy, but then again, if they don't hesitate, it wouldn't be funny =|

Very proud of myself, this is my brainchild which played around in my head for a day before being placed onto the computer screen.

Author's note #2: This Chapter was re-edited on 19/12/03. I found that the huge spacing between the lines must be annoying, and since the format wasn't quite like the other chapters, I have redone it for your viewing pleasure =)

Disclaimer: Yatta yatta, you know the drill. Keeping it simple and clean, so you can get on with the story!
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Onkiu presents:
ADVENTURES OF A NINE LEGGED SPIDER
Chapter One: The Unrest x Home Improvements x Feitan the bouncer

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An atmosphere of unrest had settled upon the remaining nine members of the Genei Ryodan ever since Kuroro had left them to find the Nen remover. Day in, day out, the remaining limbs sat silently, gloomily, staring at the candles that blazed over Paku's makeshift coffin.

Life for the spiders, at this moment, was not the least bit interesting, and hence the unrest ¡V the brigade wanted excitement! They wanted to steal, kill, not sit around and do nothing!

Shizuku stared around at her depressing, dank surroundings. Cold concrete walls with no paint, cardboard boxes for chairs, and assorted junk piled up on the floor. Not to mention the lack of electricity and running water.

On some cardboard boxes a few metres above her sat Feitan reading a book. Bent around the pile of soil under which was Paku's corpse was Sharlnack, planting in more candles.

'Sharlnack!' called out Shizuku.

'Yes?' he answered.

'You know what? I've been thinking,' said she, 'This place is depressing. There's no proper furniture. We sit on piled up cardboard boxes, sleep on folded down cardboard boxes, and have our dinner placed on cardboard boxes joined together. We need furniture! We need proper chairs! I'm sick and tired of cardboard boxes!'

'Yeah!' piqued in Nobunaga, who was resting against the wall, 'I've been thinking about the same thing. How the hell did we manage to live in a place like this? This place is the epitome of depressing!'

'The building is falling apart and we have no running water! I long to have a bath at least once a day, you know. I don't want to go to the local swimming pool to have a shower once a week,' added Machi, 'And come out to find Hisoka waiting for me in the baby paddling pool, filled with rubber ducks, asking me to teach him to swim!'

'What we really needed is a kitchen!' said Phinx, adding fuel to the fire, 'Every time we go hungry, you guys always make me put on that stupid monobrow and goatee and make me carry home your stupid McFamily feast! I'm sick of McDonalds! I want real food!'

'And we should fix those damned holes in our bedrooms! The ones that the stupid brat made when you couldn't restrain two little kids!' said Kurotopi, shooting a nasty look at Nobunaga. 'Last time, I caught Phinx peeking in when I was changing!'

'Gee, I was only trying to find out if you were male or female,' muttered Phinx sulkily, all his fuel gone.

'Whoa, whoa! Hold it there!' cried Sharlnack, holding his hands up, surprised at the sudden outburst from the members. With the lack of a leader around them, the remaining members of the brigade had somehow unanimously agreed to make Sharlnack their unofficial leader for the time being. It was somehow an unspoken rule that if Kuroro was not around, Sharlnack would be in charge anyway.

'You guys want renovations, huh? I think you've been missing out on some details. Where are we supposed to get the money? Renovations need money, you know!'

'Sell the goods that we stole from the auctions, obviously.'

'Selling the goods means that we will have to take them to a pawn shop, yes? Do you think that it is very common for people to sell off stuff that recently became missing from the auctions? Don't you think that the shop owners will alert the authorities that the missing goods have come in? Don't you know that by doing this, it will draw attention to ourselves, which is what we DON'T want?! Because, drawing attention to ourselves will obviously mean that there is a chance that the attention may come from the chain guy? And have you all forgotten Danchou's prophecies?'

'It's best to lie low for a while? To avoid the chain guy as much as possible?' said Franklin.

'My point exactly! Perfectly summed up, Franklin. You did it in one line what I did in six,' said Sharlnack happily.

Shizuku looked rather unhappy. 'Does that mean, no renovations for us? No proper chairs? No table? No-'

'No! What I mean is,' said Sharlnack, 'We earn money the way we've never earnt it before.'

'So we don't kill, threaten or maim?'

'Nup! We earn our dough, the legal way!'

'Legal way? What's that?' said Feitan.

'THIS!' he cried, thrusting the York Shin Times at him. Feitan caught it and opened it.

'Since when have you been getting newspapers?' said Phinx sceptically.

'Never you mind! I've just been checking for news of Danchou, that's all. Little snippets and all that. But never mind that,' continued Sharlnack. 'Turn to the classifieds, Feitan. There are people advertising because they need workers.'

Feitan took out the classifieds liftout, and scanned down the page. Auto-, auto-, blah, blah, technician, that'd be good for Sharlnack, doctor? We'd probably kill them rather than save them, seamstress, that's Machi, lingerie model, not tall enough, hmm, bouncer? No experience needed, good pay. Sounding good to me already, thought Feitan.

'How about bouncer, Sharlnack? I've found the job, now what do I do?'

'Call them and make an appointment. And make a resume.'

'Resume? What's that?'

'Aii, I'll show you,' sighed Sharlnack. Thank goodness I know the ways of the common folk, thought he.

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Feitan looked around the street. 13, 13, there it is, the Funky Cows nightclub! What a slick sounding name.

He entered a dimly lit and empty room. Empty, because it was not night yet. Feitan's eyes adjusted to the darkness and made out some tacky décor, a dance floor, and some clean tables with high chairs. A sign on the far back indicated the directions to the toilets. The carpet on the floor was clean, even if it wasn't the most luxurious.

Being a man of little words, Feitan looked around for the manager's office rather than call out. He walked along the corridor which led to the toilets and finally found it, and opened the door.

'First impressions last. Remember, be polite, and knock on the door. I know you're not used to it,' Sharlnack's voice raced through his head.

Closing it again, Feitan knocked on it.

'Come in!' boomed a loud, surly voice. 'Do sit down!'

Feitan seated himself in a rough, plastic chair, and passed over his resume.

'Hello, Feitan, nice to meet you,' said the man, holding out his hand.

Sharlnack's voice wheezed: 'When he offers his hand like this,' he demonstrates, 'You hold it lightly but firmly and shake it. Don't wring it or twist it off.'

Feitan grabbed it as lightly and firmly as he could and shook it. The man opened his envelope and read through the contents.

'Hmm, name: Feitan Lucifer?'

Flashback~

'Here, Feitan, fill this in. This is kind of a module for a resume.' said Sharlnack.

He stared at the contents. Name, Surname, family, birthdates, education, hobbies and interests, comments.

'Finished!'

'Pretty quick,' said Sharlnack. 'Hey, you only filled in one box! Name: Feitan. What about the rest of it?'

Feitan shrugged.

'Goodness, I don't think they'd accept an empty resume!'

'But I don't know my birthday, surname education, and I don't have hobbies, interests or any comments about myself.'

'Then make some up! The more there is, the more the employer will love you!' Sharlnack sighed. 'Alright, surname, you know what, I just realised, no one in the Ryodan has a surname, except for Kuroro. Ah who cares, let's just put his surname in.'

'What about the rest of it?'

'Make it up ,birthday,' Sharlnack scribbled something in. 'Family Bleh, let's just make something up, how about putting Paku as your mother and Ubo as your father? Since they're both dead, it's harder to question.'

'What about the rest of it?'

'I'll go find some model resume from the net and fill it in for you.'

Flashback end~

'Do you still live with your parents?'

'Parents? What's… No, they're dead.'

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' said the man, not sounding sorry at all.

Feitan shrugged.

'You were educated at York Shin Girl's Academy? And your hobbies are sewing, knitting and baking cookies? You have interests in children and fashion?'

'What?!'

'And your comments: "I absolutely adore children. One of my dreams is to have my own children one day and become a good parent. I love being able to guide children, as they are the leaders for our future! One day, I would like to publish my guide to parenting!"'

Sharlnack,! What model resume did you copy, a girl looking for a career in babysitting?

'Mr Lucifer! Are you sure you applied for the right job as a bouncer? Shouldn't you be applying for a career in babysitting?' said the Surly Man, echoing Feitan's thoughts exactly.

'So do I get the job or not?' Feitan said silkily, getting right to the point.

'We'll call you back in a month or so.' the man lied.

'Do I get it or not?' repeated Feitan.

'We'll see.'

In a tenth of a second, Feitan had leapt from his chair and had twisted the man's arms behind his back.

'Don't torture them into giving you a job,' Sharlnack's voice AGAIN! Oh shuttup, Sharlnack, thought Feitan, chasing Sharlnack's face from his mind.

'Ahh!! Ahh!! Let go! Please!! Ahh! You get the job! AHh!' yelped the man. Feitan let go, and the man gasped for breath, rubbing his arm from the pain.

'He, he, he,' said the man faintly. 'That's what I like to see, a bouncer who jumps to action when provoked, he he he…'

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Chapter 2 coming soon! Stay tuned! Watch this space ^__~ Chapter 2 will take a look at Feitan's new job as the tiniest bouncer around!