Disclaimer: "The Crucible" is a rather brilliant play by Arthur Miller contrasting the witch trials of Salem with McCarthyism in the 50's. I happen to love this play so I hope no one is offended with mine and my friend's translation of it ^_^. We performed this in front of our class, so try to imagine it being acted out, it's funnier that way.

ACT 1 (an overture)

Scene opens with Reverend Parris praying over Betty, his daughter. A word about Parris. He was mean and liked money more than God. The people of Salem were uptight and blamed everything on the Devil.

Parris: Dear God, make poor Betty get better, and I ought to deserve a raise for this, not asking anything yet, just keep it in mind. Amen.

Tituba gets halfway in the door and is shooed out by Parris.

Parris: Bugger off, I'm having a Christian moment.

Abigail comes in

Parris: Well niece. What have you got to say for yourself? I saw you with your pack of girls in the forest late at night. Dancing, at that. And I'm sure that I saw your dress on the ground. What would you be doing in a forest late at night with a group of girls dancing naked? And now Betty appears witched. That can't be a coincident.

Abigail: It was only dancing. No nakedness at all. No sirree, no one was naked and no one drank any blood. We're good girls, it's just the black woman wanted us to see some "culture"

Parris: You can't fool me. There are only two things a group of dancing, naked girls would be doing late at night in the forest, and both are a hanging crime.

Abigail: … I'M PURE I'M PURE!

Parris: I won't have people accuse me of harbouring a witch. Enough people do not like you, they would love to call you a witch, amongst other things.

Abigail: Well, I don't know what you mean; I'm pure as they come.

Parris: I heard the rumours - Did you or did you not bonk John Proctor on the barn floor!

Abigail: I'M PURE DAMN YOU!! PURE AND WHITE AND SHINEY. EVERYONE LOVES ME!

Mr Putnam and Goody Putnam enter. They are both twits who blame their misfortune on anything that will stand still long enough.

Goody Putnam: It's the devil, I tell you.

Putnam: Our Ruth's sick too! And the missus has had seven still born [everyone is in shock]. It's the devil's work.

Parris: Don't blame me, just because they live in my house. I'm a reverend for Christ's sake. I'm as damned holy as they come.

Abigail: It was just dancing I swear. It wasn't even provocative dancing. Just plain old hitch up our metaphorical skirts and frolic in the moon light kinda dance. We didn't conjure spirits. I'm pure.

Putnam: I'm bored. Let's leave Abigail here so she can bewitch Betty out of it.

Abigail: I'm NOT A WITCH! [everyone leaves] BETTY WAKE UP! STOP PLAYING! YOU'RE GETTING US INTO TROUBLE! SO I DRANK BLOOD TO KILL GOODY PROCTOR! IS THAT A CRIME?! WAKE UP! …Oh Look! Hey Betty wake up oh look! Here's Mr dark-and-brooding-Proctor…Go back to sleep now.

Proctor enters. A word about John Proctor. He has a lot of respect in the village, but doesn't like himself after bonking Abigail Williams on the barn floor when she was his servant.

Proctor: I heard you were witching all these girls. You're so naughty.

Abigail: Oh John. We were just playing around. You know, a group of girls dancing naked in the forest under the moonlight. Do you like that John? Oh John. You are so strong and manly. Let's make love!

Proctor: Mmmmm, Abby, you tiger *roar…but, no, I will not make love to you.

Abigail: What about meaningless sex? Two dollar. Sucky, sucky?

Proctor: …Well…umm…no. No, it is over. I may lust after you at night, remembering our…*gulps…No, no more.

Abigail: You are making me very upset. If it wasn't for your wife…

Proctor: [sadly] Yes, yes I know…[angry] NO leave Elizabeth out of this.

Abigail: She's a miserable wench, she's nothing to my stunning beauty.

Proctor: Yes, but…she is my wife. Hang on, were you saying that it were just dancin' - you weren't witching anybody?

Abigail: I have more precise ways of affecting people, as you have experienced, John.

Parris, the Putnams, Tituba, Giles and Rebecca enter. A word about Giles and Rebecca. Giles was a funny, old codger although somewhat brave. But still a bit of a git. Rebecca Nurse was an old Christian lady who liked to stay in the background, setting the moral standard for everyone in the room whether they wanted her to or not.

Parris: What's going on here eh?

Abigail: Nuthin uncle.

Proctor: I don't like you Parris - you piss me off. So does the church but I'm still a Christian.

Giles: Boo hiss! You're all evil!

Rebecca: I am very good. I will not judge anyone because I am above it. I will float into the background as your moral reminder…

Goody Putnam: I bet she killed my babies. It couldn't have been natural. No one is that good.

Parris: Oh look! Here's Hale, he's come to save me, I mean…us, err…Betty…

Eager eyed Mr Hale likes to think that he has all the knowledge to fix people of their afflictions with the devil. Little does he know that the people of Salem are a bit nutty and will believe anything that Abigail says because she herself has a lot of weighty knowledge – knowledge that could lead to black mail…*insert tension building music here*

Hale: G'day everyone! Look at my books! You can tell I am smart because I carry around books. Now let's examine poor Betty here…

Abigail: Tituba called the devil!

Hale: Well that was easy.

Proctor: You're all full of crap. I'm leaving.

Proctor leaves.

Tituba: I would never. I love God. I'm a good Christian woman…[Parris hits her over the head]…well actually, now that I think of it, I may have seen the devil. Yes, yes I definitely saw the devil. He made me do baaad things. He tells me to kill the Reverend, yeah seriously.

Hale: Oh praise the lord! Did you see anyone else with the devil?

Tituba: Erm…no I don't think so [Parris hits her over the head] hang on, hang on it's coming back now. Goody Good was with devil.

Abigail: …And every other female in Salem, [quietly] who thinks she can bonk John Proctor behind my back.

Parris: What did you say dear?

Abigail: Yes, yes I want God's love. Love me Jesus, I want you to love me. I want your sweet, sweet manly love! I go back to you Jesus. Let my kiss your…hand. Oh I am such a bad girl. I let Satan have his way with me. But I go back to Jesus. I want your light inside of me!

Hale: Riiiiight. Can you give us names

Abigail: [pulls out list behind her back] Hmmm, let me see. Sarah Good, Goody Osburn, hmm…Bridget Bishop, George Jacobs, Goody Howe, Martha Bellows, Goody Sibber, Alice Barrow, Goody Hawkins, Goody Bibber…aaand Goody Booth. There could be more, this list grows everyday.

Hale: Well, you could be a witch. Why should we trust you? You could be lying

Abigail: But I'm beautiful and pure.

Hale: Oh well, fair enough then.

THE METAPHORICAL CURTAIN METAPHORICALLY HANGS