Author's note: There isn't an excuse in the world that would do this lengthy delay justice, so I won't offer one. I'll thank everyone for their reviews ahead of time if anyone is kind enough to still offer one. Whatever the case, enjoy!

Disclaimer: Does anyone really own Hey Arnold!? Yes, and it's not me.

A pair of kids sat at the counter in Slausen's, the crooks of their backs lodged on the edge of the ceramic. Neither looked at the other. Their eyes were both locked on a point of interest, straight out the window and across the street.

One finished her Yahoo float, and after drawing every last drop from the glass, annoying the other customers with the loud sucking sound, she set it on the counter behind her and snapped her fingers.

Slausen himself responded immediately. "Another refill, Ms. Pataki?"

"Yeah. And I want two straws this time. Bendy straws."

"Yes, of course. Anything for your… friend there?"

"I'll have a cup of chocolate sprinkles with butterscotch on top."

"Oh… well, actually, we don't usually sell the toppings by themselves—"

Not in the mood for petty disputes, Helga whipped around and interrupted him, "Look, Pal, I've still got all the dirt on the little head knocking incident we had here Monday night, and don't think I won't hesitate to spill the beans to a lawyer interested in it!"

Slausen sighed. "All right, I'll make him the sprinkle-butterscotch concoction. How's fifty cents sound for a price on that?"

"Whatever, just put it on my tab."

The two kids returned to their eagle-like trance, focusing on the doors of the large building opposite the ice cream shop. "You think you got it now?"

"Pretty much. Let's go through the strategies again to make sure, though."

"Okay, just remember to play everything by ear."

"Right."

"Be natural."

"Yeah."

"Be yourself."

"Of course."

"Try to keep Arnold the subject of the conversation, and preferably include Lila in the mix."

"Got it. Only… there's one thing I don't get."

"Shoot."

"Why is the conversation supposed to be about this Lila girl? Wouldn't it make more sense to talk about you?"

Helga didn't respond at first, instead using Slausen's return as a convenient excuse to look away. She brought the two bendy straws to her lips, drew in as much soda as her mouth could accommodate, and held it there for a moment. Mostly, it was the outright fear of finding out what Arnold truly felt about her. Helga had another motive, though: third party testimony to the succubus that was Lila Sawyer.

She glanced to her left and saw that Zeke was eyeing her, patiently waiting for an answer. Before her mouth burst open like a dam, she swallowed her drink and quickly answered, "Just keep it about Ms. Perfect, okay? And don't call her that or he might know something's up. All you need to remember is that she's the biggest, purest piece of filth to ever set foot in that school, and the more you create that impression of her, the better!"

Zeke cautiously slid back to the middle of his seat after getting beaten back by Helga's outburst. "Yeah, I got all that. I was just curious why you didn't want to be mentioned."

"Do I really have to explain that part to you?"

"No, not really. It'd probably be healthy if you did, though."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, you're just a bit… obsessed, is all."

Helga scoffed, "Is that right? I never claimed sanity, you know."

"At least you have a good sense of humor about this."

"I'd be lost without it."

Slausen presented Zeke with a small bowl, the contents bearing a bizarre resemblance to chili. "I hope you don't mind that it's warmed up; the butterscotch wasn't cooperating with the sprinkles while it was cold."

Zeke thrust a plastic spoon into the inverted sense of taste before him. The contents made a squishy popping sound as he scooped them out. He took a huge bite and gave Slausen a thumb up as the owner returned to the back. "You know, I think we're being too hard on that guy. He does make the best sherbet shakes in town."

"I'll be nice to him another day. We've got business to attend to," Helga slowly rose to her feet, "and it's arriving as we speak."

"Arnold, what possessed you to come here the other day? I mean, a mentoring program? Seriously, I know you're into the whole leading-by-example thing, but with something like this? Come on, man!"

"Why are you making such a big deal out of it? Are you jealous of me hanging out with other people or something?"

"Absolutely! You knew it was always my dream to spend every other afternoon talking to some college student about problems I never knew existed!"

"Why didn't you join me, then?"

"Sarcasm, Arnold. Learn to recognize it. If I ever have any problems—which is rare, mind you—I've got plenty of resources at my disposal."

"Fuzzy Slippers doesn't count, Gerald."

"Of course he does! He's never steered me wrong before! You've gotta at least give him props for hooking us up with Bridget."

"Fine, Fuzzy Slippers is all right. So what group are you and Helga visiting today?"

"Sheena and Eugene. They're investigating the health benefits of various forms of dance."

"Sounds… well, I want to say interesting, but… anyway, what are you guys doing there again?"

"Beats me. She promises she's going to explain it better when we get over there. I could really care less. But Arnold, check out this guy coming across the street!"

Their attention was drawn to the walking embodiment of 70's preteen fashion making his way along the crosswalk. Little did Arnold, or Helga, for that matter, realize that today they were getting a taste of the real Zeke. Granted, the fake afro wig wasn't part of his usual wardrobe, but the near-skin-tight plain white t-shirt and snug blue jeans were actually his own clothes. Helga, having spent very little time with her cousin in recent years, figured it was another costume he had thrown together, and probably could care less why he chose it as she watched from the window in Slausen's.

Zeke cleared the corner and approached the perplexed pair standing by the YMAA doors. "Arnold! So you came back for some more of the mentor guy too, huh?"

"I… sure did. Zeke, this is my best friend, Gerald."

"Nice to meet you." Zeke extended his hand.

"Sure, same he—yah!" Gerald recoiled his hand in pain. "Jeez, man! Where'd you get a grip like that?"

"From my cousin. Me and her used to really go at it: thumb wars, arm wrestling, the works."

"You don't say?" Gerald answered in an annoyed tone, rubbing his sore appendage. "I could see that. I mean, there's this one girl our age who could probably squeeze your hand harder than that."

"Who's that?"

"See for yourself. Here she comes now." Gerald pointed over Zeke's shoulder at the keeper of the Five Avengers, which were capable of popping your knuckles for you, or breaking them if you so allowed. Zeke turned around to watch his cousin's approach, giving an impression of apprehension.

Helga smirked, as she came within speaking distance, "Well, well, what do we have here? Football Head, Tall Hair Boy… and you must be the kid who stuck his finger in the electrical socket one too many times."

Zeke rolled his eyes, "Yeah, never heard that one before. You must be the illustrious Helga I've heard so much about."

"That would be me, the one and only."

"Sure. Anyway, I have a name and it's Zeke." He extended his hand.

Gerald quickly interrupted, "Hold up, man. I just met you two minutes ago, but I still have to say I don't think it's a good idea to be making friends with her."

Before Zeke could ask why, Helga threw her foot down. "Hey! The little creep's got some class, which is more than I could say about either of you two." Helga then snatched Zeke's hand. The two of them squeezed each other's hands until they were both bone white, neither willing to let go. At the same time, they eyed each other sharply, as if exchanging last minute words on the game plan.

Helga gave him a straight look, Don't do anything stupid.

Zeke gave her a confident return glance, You're looking at the master right here.

Arnold stepped forward, "Okay, before you two crush your hands into dust, we should all get going. I just saw Will inside talking with Coach Wittenberg."

Zeke detached his hand from Helga's. "All right, Arnold, I'm going. Helga, it was… 'nice' to meet you. Gerald, the same."

"Whatever you say, but as far as I'm concerned, you're all a bunch of nutcases." Gerald gave Arnold the secret handshake and started down the street.

Arnold and Zeke turned to go into the gym as Helga mocked them, "Have fun at your little therapy session, Buckos!"

As they watched her walk away, Zeke asked Arnold, "What's with that girl, anyway?"

"I don't know. I wouldn't spend time trying to figure her out, either. It'll give you a headache after a few minutes."

The two of them made their way through the entranceway and over to Will, who was standing under one of the unused hoops. "Gentlemen! Glad to see I didn't scare you guys away after the first day!"

Zeke laughed nervously, "No, we're… still here."

Will smirked. "Jeez, Zeke, don't act so excited about it. I hope you guys don't mind being out in the open here, although it's not like a huge crowd is here to listen in on you anyway."

The boys briefly glanced over the gym. Aside from Wittenberg coaching his new fourth grade team in the far corner and the poker players gathering by the door to the meeting room, the place was deserted.

"Okay, guys; let's go sit up in the top of the bleachers." As they made their ascent, Will commented to Zeke, "Hey, did you get your cast off?"

"Huh?"

Arnold then took notice, "Yeah, I can't believe I didn't notice that. It healed up already?"

It took Zeke a moment to realize he and Helga had both forgotten about that piece of the costume. "Oh… uh, yeah, I guess I'm just a fast heal—" He tripped as he went along, and stumbled and scrambled the rest of the way to the top, trying to keep his balance. He took a seat next to Arnold at the top.

Will looked at him curiously. "You okay there, Zeke? You look a little pale."

Zeke raised his shaking hand to his face and fixed the sunglasses he did remember to wear. "I'm fine, I'm fine! No problem here!" He flashed a dopey grin at both of them.

Gerald pressed the doorbell button and turned to Helga, "You know, you still haven't explained this project to me or anyone else but Simmons. In fact, if Sheena and Eugene don't know what it's about, how did you talk them into letting us come over in the first place?"

"Who says I talked them into it?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Helga grinned.

"You didn't tell them we were coming at all?"

Her grin almost grew past her ears as she sarcastically replied, "Oh dear! It must have slipped my mind!"

Gerald faced the door again, hearing approaching footsteps from within. "Well, it ain't my problem. Just remember, you're doing all the talking about this thing."

"Glad to see we finally have an understanding," she replied as the knob turned.

Eugene gave them a surprised look as he opened the door. "Helga? Gerald? What are you guys doing here?"

Gerald went to respond, "Oh, nothing. In fact, we were just leav—"

"We hate to barge in on you like this, but it's important school business. Is Sheena here?"

Eugene took a cautious step back as Helga forcefully closed Gerald's mouth and set one foot in the house. "Yeah… she's here. We were just about to start working on our science fair project and—"

"Perfect! Great timing! Mind if we join you?" Helga asked as she rushed in, pulling Gerald along by the arm.

Eugene closed the door behind them. "Uh, sure. So what's this school business of yours?"

"I'll explain in a minute. Nice place you got here, by the way, Eugene. Very clean and… ordinary."

"Thanks, I guess. Sheena and I were going to work in the living room. We needed the extra space."

"Fantastic, why don't you and Gerald go fix the drinks and I'll go grab a seat in there."

She left the two boys alone in the entryway before either could answer. Like they were under a spell, they automatically walked into the kitchen, and after filling four glasses with ice, Eugene finally stopped and asked Gerald, "Why are we getting drinks for Helga?"

Gerald looked at Eugene with sympathy. "Let me give you a tip here: Just go along with whatever she says and we'll get through this a lot faster."

"But I don't know what 'this' is."

Gerald poured out the last Yahoo. "Neither do I, Eugene. Neither do I."

"You're being straight with me, Zeke, right? Completely, honestly, you've never had a crush of any kind on a girl?"

"Will, I'm being totally straight: not a single crush, ever."

"I'm not buying it."

Arnold chimed in, "Me neither."

Zeke was unmoved. "Then don't buy it. I told you guys, I like to keep all my 'options' available, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I'll bet I do," Arnold muttered.

"Arnold, don't get on his case about it. I think it's a very mature view you've got there, Zeke. Personally, when I hit that age, I started crushing on girls immediately, which is why I was leery of your answer, but whatever."

The trademark awkward pause interrupted the conversation yet again. Will glanced back and forth between the boys. Zeke was trying to make spit bubbles with moderate success. Arnold shifted his weight around on the uncomfortably sturdy bleacher, keeping his eyes on his shoes and rubbing the width of the back of his head. "You seem to have something to say on the issue, Arnold. Spill it."

"Er, well… I don't really have anything to say about it, per se…"

A bubble popped. "Don't let him get away with that, Will! Look at him starting to blush! Who's the girl, Arnold?"

"Shut up, she's no one special!"

Zeke was having a good laugh as Will, casually putting his hand to his mouth, tried not to get caught up in the foolery. "Let's keep it frank, Zeke. You don't have to say much, Arnold. If you just give us her name and one or two things about her, and then we can discuss other things about girls in general from there."

"Fine. Her name's Lila, and she…"

A snicker escaped Zeke's lips as Arnold trailed off. "Wow, I think I'm in love, too, with a name like that!"

Arnold ignored him and continued talking, directing his words more toward Will. "I don't know, she's just one of those… how can I put it… 'good girls.' You know what I'm talking about?"

"Oh, I know what you're talking about!"

"Zeke, put a lid on it. Arnold, I know what you mean. We talked about her the other time too, right? Would you say that other boys are interested in her in the same way?"

Another long pause followed Will's latest query. Zeke popped something in his mouth and sat in quiet anticipation, ready to egg Arnold on.

"To be honest, I never thought about that too much, but now that you mention it, I think every guy in my class would kill to have her."

"Wow, she sounds hot!"

Will shot Zeke a glare that stopped him dead in his tracks.

"O…kay. Tell you what, I'll take a stroll outside and leave you two alone." Zeke took what turned out to be a piece of gum out of his mouth and stuck it under his seat. He then stood up, straightened his outfit, hopped down to the gym floor and strode toward the exit.

"Could you run that by us just one more time, Helga?"

"Yeah, I'm your partner, and even I don't understand what we're doing."

The girl in pink took a long breath. "First, check your ears to make sure you've got all the wax cleared out. And now I'm only going to repeat this one more time."

Eugene pulled his finger out of his ear. "Wow! Guys, this piece of wax looks just like the Abdicator!"

"Let me see!" Gerald pulled Eugene's finger into inspection. "Damn, you're right! You must really have that guy on your brain!"

Sheena looked at it and exclaimed, "Quick, Eugene! We need to get this preserved!"

"To the kitchen! I'll get the Saran Wrap!"

"Earwax preservation—this I have got to see!"

The three ran out of the living room. Helga stood there, mouth parted, ready to speak. As she listened to the pandemonium unfolding in Eugene's kitchen, including some glass breaking and an "I'm okay," she managed to utter, "I just lost out to a piece of earwax."

A pulsing device in her pocket attracted her attention. Checking the ID, she passed by the preservation chaos and stepped out the front door. "What is it?"

"I've gone to plan B."

"Plan B? Already? That's supposed to be your last resort!"

"I know, but I pushed their buttons too quick. Will was giving me the evil eye. Plus, Arnold looked ready to rip my head off."

"Oh, please. He couldn't rip wet toilet paper. Even if he tried, you could take him, easy."

"Of course, but you know I'm not the fighting type."

"Sure, aren't we all? Is the bug live yet? I want to listen in if you're going to use it."

"Yeah, just give me a sec. But how is it you can listen in on it? Aren't you supposed to be doing that project of yours right now?"

"I don't know; let me check." Helga stuck her head back in the front door for a moment.

Eugene could be heard in the kitchen, "Don't worry, guys. I've lit the pilot on my oven dozens of times."

She closed the front door and sat down on the stoop. "It'll be awhile before they need me again."

"Great. I'm all set now, I think." Zeke peered in through the glass doors. The lobby-like entryway of the YMAA was perfect for surveillance. For whatever reason only the building's architect knew, each wall in the small lobby had a deep alcove. Zeke took a seat on the floor in the one that gave him the clearest view of the mentor and his single protégé. He produced a small black receiver from his pocket and began to fiddle with its switches.

"Any chance you can tell me where you get those little toys of yours, Z?"

"Take a guess, G. Who's the only person in this town you know that can supply this kind of stuff?"

"If I knew who it was, I would have gone and picked up a truckload of those surveillance gizmos a long time ago."

"And then you wonder why I don't tell you her name."

"Her name?"

Zeke dropped the device and scrambled to put the dislodged batteries back in it as he tried to keep the phone propped up to his ear. "Yeah… it's a 'her.' What's the difference?"

"It's that Bridget girl, isn't it? The one who showed up the morning they were going to tear down the Vine Street neighborhood and flew a VCR down on a wire like she was Catwoman?"

"When did she do that?"

"Ha! So it is her then! She's the one that gave you the gumball bug!"

"Yeah, so what? You gonna go raid her place and plant a bunch of hidden cameras in Arnold's house now?"

"Shh! Ix-nay on his ame-nay, you idiot!"

"Relax, G. I've got me a nice little spying hole here where he can't hear or see me, but I can still hear him." With that, Zeke flicked the final switch on the little box, bringing forth a crackling, fuzzy dialogue.

"You know, Arnold, girls can be hard to read like that sometimes. They do things we guys don't have the capacity to comprehend."

"Turn that thing up, Z! I want to hear it through the phone!" Helga waited and didn't hear anything. "Z? I said turn it up!"

"It is turned up!"

Loud laughter amplified even further by the volume setting on the bug's box boomed out, followed by a screeching piece of feedback that made both Zeke and Helga drop their phones in surprise. Helga picked hers up and got on her cousin's case. "Loud enough for me to hear it, not to make me go deaf, moron!"

"Sorry, I don't know what happened there." Zeke turned the volume back to where it was before and peered at Arnold and Will closely. "That's weird, both of their lips are moving, but I'm only hearing Will through the box."

"Come again?"

"So is she the only girl of interesting discussion, Arnold, or is there someone else?"

"Damn it, Z, answer me when I ask you a quest—"

"Shut up for a sec, he's moving onto someone else besides Lila! I'll try to make it loud enough for you without getting any feedback." Zeke increased the volume to just before the feedback kicked in. "Arnold's talking right now and I'm not hearing him. I think it's because he's facing away from the bug."

"Well, why didn't you put it where you could hear him, you—"

"Helga, eh? The name sounds scary enough!" Will's latest comment silenced both Pataki cousins. "So she picks on you and stuff?"

Silence. "Arnold's telling him something right now, and he looks ready to throw up."

Cracking sounds could be heard coming from Helga's end.

"Something wrong with your phone, G?"

"No, that's just me crushing it in my hand. Keep telling me what you see."

"Okay, I get the picture, Arnold. Tell me, have you told anyone else about this problem you've had with Helga?"

"He's nodding at that question and saying something."

"I bet he's told his grandpa about me."

"Your grandpa? I'll bet he had an interesting point of view on it."

"He's looking at Will… pretty weirdly… there, I think he said, 'How did you know?'"

"Because, I've got a hunch of my own."

"Let me guess, you think she picks on me because she likes me?"

"What was that?"

"Arnold turned away from Will when he said that. He's facing the bug now; we can hear him."

"Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It's pretty typical. Girls of all ages use that trick when they like a guy and are too shy to say so."

"Wow, he's got you pegged, G."

"Shut up, I want to hear what Arnold says!"

"I don't care how typical it is. If a girl likes you like that, how does she think constantly harassing you is going to help anything?"

"Because it's fun, doi!"

"Well, for one thing, it's probably fun for her to pick on you. But also, if she's always picking on you, it gives her an excuse to be around you all the time."

"This guy's too smart for his own good."

"I told you, he's got you pegged."

"She hangs out around me half the time anyway. My best friend's kind of got a thing for her best friend, so Helga's always nearby. But even when Gerald and Phoebe aren't around, she shows up and starts in on me. Sometimes she's across the street from my house for hours on end, jumping rope, waiting for me to come out. And then there was this other time where she stood outside my room all night with a bullhorn counting down the time until I was supposed to die at the hands of the class bully."

"You stood outside his room all night with a—"

"Quiet! I'll tell you all about it some other time!"

"…Sometimes I really wish I could give that girl a piece of my mind."

"Why don't you?"

"I heard that just makes things worse. I try to ignore her."

"Doesn't sound like that's working. In this instance, that might be making it worse, too. Forgive me, but I'm curious: What would you say to her if you were to give her a piece of your mind?"

Total silence preceded Arnold's answer. Zeke was growing interested in the conversation now. Helga was ready to pass out from holding her breath in anticipation.

"I guess if I really wanted to lay into her, I'd basically tell her to stay out of my life. 'You obviously don't want anything to do with me, and I could care less about you, so just stay away from me. I'm sick of all the crap you put me through, day in and day out. Do us both a favor and go jump off a cliff or something.'"

"Why you little—" Helga's voice cut out.

"G? You there? Hello?" Zeke switched the phone off after he didn't get an answer.

"To be honest, I can't really see you saying something like that to her."

"No, I probably never would. Besides, she's not all bad. There are the occasional times when she's okay to be around. Heck, I even kind of like her when she's like that, so maybe there's some hope there, right?"

"Maybe. Hey, what happened to Zeke? He's been gone pretty long."

"There's my cue." Zeke shut off his listening box and casually strode back into the gym as if he'd been out walking around the whole time.

"Yeah, I'll go jump off a cliff! In your dreams, Football Head! Why don't you take the leap yourself, you… you…" She screamed and finished stomping her cell phone into oblivion. She'd overheard him talk of her like this before, but now she knew he was saying what he truly felt. Everyone tells the truth around someone like that, right? Either way, he sounded like he really meant it.

Helga kicked a few of the phone's bigger pieces into the gutter and plopped down on the stoop, defeated. What was the point of her pursuit? Even if it were possible to somehow get Arnold to see things her way, it would take a gargantuan amount of effort on her part, more than she could afford in her desperate mental condition.

The front door opened behind her, snapping her out of her spiraling depression. "We're done early, I guess. Eugene set his hair on fire trying to get his pilot relit on his oven and they're taking him to the hospital. You'd think, as big of a jinx he is, his parents would keep a better eye on him."

"Yeah… he's pretty hopeless."

Gerald noticed the wavering tone of Helga's voice, and then spotted the phone remnants on the sidewalk. "Do I even want to ask about this?"

Helga wiped a stray tear from her face before Gerald looked at her for an answer. "Oh, uh… see the thing is, if my phone breaks, Bob always gives me a new one that's twice as good as the one before. He just got a bunch of those new picture phones last week, and I decided that I really needed one."

"Sabotaging your dad's generosity. Nice. Well, I'm heading back to the gym, then. Got nothing better to do. You coming with?"

"What makes you think I'd want to go back there?"

"I don't know. Maybe you wanted to bug Arnold some more."

Helga exhaled in an annoyed manner. "I've had enough of him for one day. I'll see you later, T.H.B."

"You guys are sure I can't offer you a lift? I can take you anywhere in the city."

"Really, we're fine, Will."

"Okay. See you guys next week, then."

As Will drove off, Gerald commented to Zeke and Arnold, "Yeah, I'll hop into some guy's car and trust him to actually take me home."

"Tell me about it. Well, I'll see you two around." Zeke crushed Arnold and Gerald's hands in the customary gesture and departed. He crossed the street and went into Slausen's, returning to the same seat at the counter he sat at earlier. "What happened to you? Did you hang up on me or something?"

"Sorta. You're lucky I even came back for rendezvous."

"Conversation wasn't to your liking?"

"That's one way of putting it."

He glanced over at Helga. She was staring out the window in the same manner as a few hours ago, now focused on the duo at the bus stop on the corner. In their prior session in the ice cream shop, she was the embodiment of clear, focused determination, solid as a rock. Looking at her now, her hand twitched and her eyebrow made strange, unnatural angles above her eyes. Listening closely, he could almost hear her teeth grinding.

"You know, I think you might have the wrong impression about what Arnold said back there. After you—"

"Don't start with me, Zeke! I know exactly what I heard! There's not a damn thing that little twerp could have said after that to change anything! I know what he really thinks of me now, and that's all there is to it! End of story!"

Zeke flashed a nervous smile to the other customers in the room while he spoke out of the corner of his mouth, "Okay, sorry, just don't make a scene."

"I don't give a crap what these people think! All I care about is what Arnold thinks, and he thinks I should go jump off a cliff! Well, he's going to have to throw me off the cliff, 'cause I'm not going anywhere!"

Slausen came out in his typical nervous fashion. "Ms. Pataki, could you lower your voice, please? The other customers don't appreciate your caterwauling."

"So what? I don't care what anyone thinks of me! The one person that I did care about what he thought has a pretty sour opinion of me, so what difference does yours make?"

Gerald glanced out the window as he took his seat on the bus. "Someone's raising hell inside Slausen's."

Arnold leaned over and looked for himself. "Yeah, it's some kid. It'd help if Slausen wasn't such a pushover."

"You know, the hair on that kid looks a lot like Helga's. Wouldn't surprise me none if it turned out it's actually her in there."

Arnold didn't respond. He quietly watched the ten-year-old girl get increasingly more rowdy as the bus pulled away.