The day we discovered Tessla's dismembered remains, something snapped inside of my brother's head. From the outside, you'd never know that anything had happened at all: life on the SEEDS ship carried on just the same as it ever had. Rem and Knives and I followed the same routines, played the same games, ate the same meals, and pretended that none of it had ever happened. I was never such a great actor, though, and there were times when I would hide myself away in the farthest corner of the ship and collapse into uncontrollable sobs. How could they do that to a little girl? My sister? How could they dissect her like a science experiment? The sound would echo through the corridors, and inevitably Knives would find my hiding place. He'd speak in soothing tones about how we were safe, that it was all in the past, and that it would never happen again.
I didn't find it odd that Knives never shed a tear. He was always a lot stronger than me; he always knew what to do when there was trouble. While my confidence in humanity wavered, his stood firm against all assaults…
…Or so we believed.
At the time, I didn't notice Knives acting any differently after the horrible discovery. But I should have. I'm certain that Rem saw it: since that day, she walked on eggshells around Knives. I figured that she was just feeling guilty about what had happened to Tessla and what she'd tried to hide from us, but then she never acted that way around me. Rem was our mother, and she knew that something was wrong.
Knives never went through a grieving process. He didn't cry about it. He never mentioned it in any context…he never got closure. But, he stopped visiting the barrier to the cold sleep capsules. I didn't think anything of this at the time because I went less frequently as well, but the "game" had always meant a lot more to my brother than it had to me. It was his own little invention and diversion, and nothing but the greatest mental anguish would have stopped him from visiting the little girl in the capsule.
I should have seen it.
I should have recognized the tone of his voice when he assured me it would "never happen again." I should have recognized the finality of that statement and the decision he had already made.
I should have stopped it.
But by the time I realized how much pain Knives had been in, Rem was lost forever.