Disclaimer – Nothing except the plot belongs to me. The song used is White Flag by Dido and if you haven't heard it yet I strongly advise you to download it.
This is dedicated to Alex, my gorgeous little babe, because if it wasn't for her playing Pansy wouldn't be so much fun. Good Luck on Saturday babe.
I Will Go Down With You
Pansy didn't cry. Pansy never cried. Pansy nodded and smiled and pursed her lips but she never cried. It wasn't allowed. It was frowned upon. Just as falling in love was frowned upon, just as those emotions she had forced into a knot deep down within herself were frowned upon.
So when Draco sat her down in the Slytherin common room, across from the fire in his favourite velvet chair, the one his Father had paid thousands of galleons to ship from some designer French wizarding boutique, to tell her it was time, she didn't cry. She nodded and told him that it was the day they been preparing for their whole lives. And then she told him quite normally, that she was tired and was going to retire early this evening. Draco stood and moved to escort her to the girl's dormitories but she waved him away. Tossing her sheet of dark hair over her shoulder she left in what could have only been considered a hurry, if Slytherins ever hurried anywhere.
And when she was in that dormitory? Well that's where our story begins…
I will go down with this shipI won't put my hands up, and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love
And always will be…
Pansy shut the door with a click and leant her head against the cool wood, her eyes squeezed closed against the rising feelings, the feelings she kept buried so deep. First came the fear, cold and cutting, and then the worry, making her whole body shake so violently her legs collapsed from under her. And then came the tears, hot against her cool skin. She drew up her knees, and wrapped her arms tightly around them, trying to hold herself together. It didn't work. Her tears turned into sobs, loud and racking, and she bit down into her arm to muffle the sound, the taste of her own blood metallic as she broke the skin.
It was time. Time for Draco to walk into battle on the right hand side of his Master. Time for Draco to command the Death Eaters into the final battle, the battle between good and evil, the battle to determine who ruled the wizarding world. And Pansy was scared. She hated him. And she loved him.
She loved the silver haired boy who'd never given her any reason too. He'd been cold, cruel, and she'd done nothing but love him. It had started from the very first day she had met him. He hadn't been cruel then, he was to young for such a harsh emotion, but he'd been obnoxious, a childish obnoxiousness that made Pansy laugh at the memory. It had started then, but she was too young to recognise love. She thought he was cute, and spent many nights giggling into her diary over him.
How she wished for those days again. Obnoxious, childish Draco was easier to live with than distant, spiteful Draco.
That had started in fourth year, just after the Yule Ball. Just after that kiss. Draco had taken her outside, taken her to the moonlit lake. Pansy had nearly fainted at the fairytale playing out in front of her. He had turned her to face him, cupped her chin in his hand, moonlight playing over their features, the lake dancing next to them, entwined together under the dipping branches of a willow tree, and kissed her. She almost did faint then. Her legs buckled at the sweetness, the emotion in that kiss. And then he had pulled away and whispered those words she would never forget.
"You won't go down with me Pansy."
Those words she could never figure out. If she had understood the concepts of sex at that age she might have thought he was referring to that but the moment was too climatic for sexual jokes.
And then Draco had walked away, forever. He was never the same Draco. The one that had spoken to her, confided in her. The Draco that had blushed when he asked her to the Yule Ball. He became the Draco that started the insults, that laughed at her, that hurt her. And it cut so deep. Had he got what he wanted? One moonlit kiss?
Her hand slammed against the wood, again and again. Again until she could feel a pain stronger than the one inside. Even when scarlet rivers ran down her wrist the pain wasn't enough. Pushing herself to her feet the glass bottles and make-up jars were the first to go. Shattered on the floor, like the pieces of her heart. And then all that was left on her vanity was that jewellery box. Her fourth year Christmas present from Draco. She picked it up, fingered the smooth wood. And then threw it with all her might at the mirror, smashing her reflection into a thousand glimmering shards.
That's when she sank to the floor, sobbing. And heard someone else outside do the same.
"Pansy?" his voice called quietly, "I need to come in."
"Do what you want."
It took an age for the door to open, for Draco to step through and close it. And an age for him to turn and look at her.
"Look what you did to your jewellery box Pansy," he said quietly, picking up the dented lid, "It cost me a fortune. It'll cost a fortune to fix, there was only ever one made."
"I don't care," she replied with a sudden burst of feeling, "It'll cost less than fixing me will."
Draco didn't answer, but he flinched.
"I'll send it home to Father straight aw-"
"Do what you want. You always do anyway. Fuck anyone else who you hurt along the way."
"Pansy language," he said, "A Lady does not use-"
"Fuck being a Lady Malfoy! Fuck being a Lady and fuck you too!"
Draco flinched again and slowly uncurled himself from his crouched position on the floor.
"I'll come back when you're feeling more yourself. You in no fit state for polite conversation."
"Whose fault is that?" she asked the retreating back. It stopped dead.
"Mine." It was so quiet you could barely hear it. Everything stopped, even Pansy's breathing.
"It's my fault. But don't blame me Pansy. I had too."
"You had too?" she replied, finally finding her voice, "You had to? You had to destroy me and leave an empty shell? Go on Draco go on. I'm absolutely dying to hear the great Draco Malfoy's reason for it!"
"Because I love you," again it was so quiet it could barely be heard.
"What?" Pansy whispered, her hands beginning to shake.
"I couldn't die tomorrow and not tell you. I love you Pansy Parkinson. I am completely and utterly in love with you. You're the only person worth anything to me. I want you so badly, but I can't have you. It's killing me Pansy. But I'd rather it killed me than you. I want you to know that. I love you. You, and only you. Forever and always."
The door began to open. Pansy scrambled to her feet.
"Draco wait. What did you mean? What did you mean at the Yule Ball?"
He stopped again and sighed.
"You won't go down with me Pansy. And you won't, you haven't. You've never been associated with the Death Eaters. We'll all die tomorrow you know, die or be caught. But you won't. You'll live, just like I planned in fourth year. I had it all worked out. God Pansy I loved you then. But I wouldn't put you in danger. I needed that kiss though. I needed to know you felt like I did, before I pushed you away. I pushed you away so you'd live. So Potter and the Mudblood-lovers would have no reason to suspect you, no reason to ever lay their filthy hands on you. You're too beautiful for them to taint. I want you to live because I love you."
He moved to shut the door.
"Don't go," Pansy whispered, "Please don't leave me again Draco."
He flinched again and then suddenly he was there, right in front of her. Her Draco. His hand moved to caress her face as hers ran through the silver locks she had longed to touch for years.
"I love you," they both said at the same moment, followed by a smile.
"But I do," he carried on.
"Forever and always," Pansy replied. His lips reached toward hers, and then their bodies were pressed together, so close it seemed as if they wanted to be one. His arms around her waist, hers around his neck, hands entangled in his soft locks. And then he was lifting her up, and laying her on the bed, kissing her fiercely. Her hands moved to his jumper, pulling it over his head before their lips crashed together again. His own hands traced lines of fire across her skin as they slipped up her top light touches of his fingers on her stomach.
"God Pansy I've wanted to touch you for so long," he whispered into her hair. Pansy responded by kissing his neck and chest, dropping light kisses across his collarbone. He groaned, his breathing heavy and pulled himself away.
"We can't, I can't," he told her through swollen lips, "Pansy if anyone-"
"I don't need protecting anymore Draco," she told him, reaching for his hand, "I love you."
She placed his hand on her chest, just above her heart as he lay her back down onto the bed again.
When Pansy woke up, he was gone. There was no note, no need for one. She knew where he was. She stared at the empty space next to her, remembering those gentle hands as they had touched her, the hand that had rested over her heart, the hand that had held hers. The boy she loved. She looked out of the window, and closed her eyes.
I will go down with this shipI won't put my hands up, and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love
And always will be…
Draco stood in the front line. The front line of a sea of black clad men and women all waiting to die. The crowd they faced was much larger. And not one person on this field looked afraid. Not even those waiting for death.
The wand next to him was raised, and Draco did the same. The crowd ahead surged forward as did the crowd behind. And he moved with them, to his death. And then something caught his eye that made his heart stop.
Pansy appeared between the two charging groups, standing proud.
"Pansy!" it was a strangled cry as he fought to reach her first. She whirled to face him and began to move toward him. But someone in black pushed him to the side; a surge of bodies surrounded him. He pushed through them, eyes searching. But she'd gone.
"SHIT PANSY. SHIT," he called into the crowd, whirling round himself in hope of catching sight of her.
"That isn't very polite language for a gentleman to use," a voice said next to him. He whirled around again and caught her up in his arms.
"What the hell do you think your doing?" he hissed at her, "Get out of here now. Pansy you could've got yourself killed damn you. Get out of her now."
She shook her head, hands cupping his face.
"I will go down with you Draco," she said quietly. Their eyes locked, in a look that lasted an eternity in love and a second in life.
"I love you," he told her, pressing his lips to hers.
"I love you too," she replied.
"Forever and always," they whispered together.
Draco placed her back on her feet and readied his wand. Pansy pulled out her own. Draco grabbed her hand, pulling her to face him. His other hand went to her face, and then they were both gone. Two black blurs among the rest.
I will go down with this shipI won't put my hands up, and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love
And always will be…