Author's Note: This idea came to me after reading one too many Mary Sue stories (and having one too many drinks). It was originally going to be a plotless parody fic, but somewhere along the way, a plot kind of developed (although it's quite weak), in addition to an utterly random title. Please let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: These aren't my characters, obviously, they're mostly from J.K. Rowling. Serena Malfoy isn't really my character either. She's more the embodiment of all of the bad Mary Sue clichés that I've read.

Angst, Animosity, and Alliteration—Argh!

Chapter 1: Hermione's Headaches

Hermione sat in her compartment on the Hogwarts Express, tapping her foot impatiently. She sighed loudly. No response. Then she cleared her throat. Still no response. Then she coughed. No response again. Finally she changed her coughs so it sounded like she was choking.

"Are you okay, 'Mione?" Ron said, finally breaking away from Harry long enough to look at her. The two of them had spent the past five minutes—from the moment they stepped on the train—making out. He was still practically on top of Harry.

"Yes, I'm just wonderful!" she said sarcastically.

Harry stared at her, glasses askew and hair tousled. He moved a bit further away from Ron, seeming to realize for the first time that she was there. "Are you sure?" he asked skeptically. Not that he had any clue what was going on with Hermione. He shrugged, then turned back to Ron, who was gazing at him hungrily. However, any thoughts they might have had about continuing where they left off were disturbed.

"Hi," a girl's voice said. "Can I sit with you guys? All of the other compartments are full." Harry, Ron, and Hermione turned towards the new girl. She had violet eyes and long and flowing red hair with blonde streaks that went past her waist. Hermione was sure that all of that hair was a pain in the neck to take care of. The girl wore a sparkly purple halter top and a black mini skirt, with heels that looked like they would give her horrible blisters. In fact, the entire outfit looked painful. Her enormous breasts barely fit into her top, and the skirt looked like it was about five sizes too small.

Hermione looked at Harry and Ron, who shrugged. "Sure, go ahead," she said gesturing to the seat next to her. However, rather than sitting next to Hermione on the open bench, the girl crammed in between Harry and Ron.

 "Wow, I can't believe all of the hot guys at this school!" the girl exclaimed in a bubbly voice, batting her eyes first at Harry, then at Ron. Both looked unhappy. "I'm Serena Malfoy, by the way."

"Malfoy?" Ron spat out. "I thought that Malfoy was an only child!"

Serena rolled her eyes. "I'm Draco's long lost twin sister who just transferred here from America, of course! Isn't it obvious that I'm related to Draco?"

"Well, you don't look much like him," Hermione said.

Serena gave Hermione her most evil glare. "So? What's your point?"

Turning to Harry, Serena put a flirtatious expression on her face. "What's your name?"

"I'm Harry Potter, and they are Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, my two best friends."

Hermione almost threw up when Serena batted her abnormally long eyelashes again. "It's nice to meet you, Harry and Ron." She just frowned in Hermione's direction. Harry and Ron both looked like they wanted to run away and Hermione wanted to do the same.

"Er, I'm going to go look for…Ginny!" she said.

"Me too!" Harry said.

"Same with me!" Ron told them.

The three of them stood up at the same time, all heading towards the door. Ron tripped on his way out and Harry accidentally elbowed Hermione in the ribs before the two of them reached the door. "Ouch!" It hurt, but it was a small price to pay to be away from that girl. Serena scowled at all of them and put on a set of headphones.

"Is it just me, or have there been an abnormal number of American transfer students named Serena this year?" Harry asked. Ron and Hermione both nodded, disgusted looks on their faces.

"First there was Serena Black, then there was Serena Lupin, followed by Serena Riddle," Hermione said. Then she smirked at Ron and Harry. "Wouldn't it be funny if there was a Serena Potter or a Serena Weasley?"

"Hermione!" both of them yelled, looking disgusted.

Hermione apologized to them right as Blaise Zabini, the sluttiest male in all of Slytherin—no, all of Hogwarts—passed by them.

"Hey, Zabini!" Ron shouted at him. "There's a lonely girl who has really big boobs! She's in this compartment right here." He said, pointing to the place they just left.

"Really?" Blaise asked distrustfully, looking as though he didn't believe them. But, he went inside the door. "Well, hello," they heard him say as he slammed the door behind himself.

"What did you do that for, Ron? Do you really think we should be encouraging him?" Hermione hissed.

Ron shrugged. "The rest of the compartments are full. We have to find a place somehow. Maybe if we can lure people out of their seats, we can steal them!"

"Ron, you're bloody brilliant!" Harry said. A pompous look formed on Ron's face.

But, before he could answer, the door crashed open and Blaise came rushing out. "I can't believe you didn't tell me about how psycho that chick was!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Let me guess, she refused to succumb to your seductive personality," she retorted dryly.

Blaise smirked at her. "Of course not! I got in there, and we began snogging. It was all going as planned. Until…" He shuddered. "...Until I realized that she was listening to Christina Aguilera!"

Hermione gave a horrified gasp and Blaise ran away. "I'm not going back in there!" she told Ron and Harry. They nodded in agreement.

"Hermione, the prefect's car!" Harry suddenly said. "I know that I am ONCE AGAIN NOT A PREFECT, but maybe the two of you can go back there while I rot away up here by myself," he said bitterly.

"Or you can just come with us and sit on my lap," Ron told him.

"Okay," Harry said as he pulled Ron close for another long and passionate kiss, while Hermione left for the prefect's area nearly at a run. In fact, it was nearly time for the Prefect's meeting anyway. As Head Girl, it was Hermione's duty to preside over it. Well, in addition to Draco Malfoy, the Head Boy.

"Hey, Malfoy!" she yelled when she entered the compartment. He and the rest of the prefects—except for Ron—were already waiting.

 "You're late, Mudblood!" Draco Malfoy said with a sneer.

Ginny Weasley stood up. "Hey, don't call her that!"

"What's the matter, Granger? Your ugly boyfriend Weasley isn't here to stand up for you, so Potter's girlfriend is doing it instead?" he taunted.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You're an idiot, Malfoy. Who would be crazy enough to make you Head Boy?" How dense could he be? The entire school knew that Harry and Ron were together. She changed the subject. "Malfoy, I ran into your long lost twin sister."

Draco shuddered. "I told her to stop telling people that she was related to me! I don't like having her around to tarnish the Malfoy name, and neither does Father. That's why we sent her all the way to America!"

Harry and Ron finally walked in. Ron took his seat next to Ginny, Harry on Ron's lap.

Hermione began, "It's time to call this meeting to order. We'll make it quick so you can all get back to—"

"There's something that needs to be discussed first!" Draco interjected, standing up. "Why is Potter sitting on Weasley's lap?"

"Malfoy, as Head Boy, you should know not to interrupt the meeting when you have nothing of relevance to say," Hermione stated.

"But… Potter… Weasley… What the hell—"

"Silencio!" Ginny Weasley said, pointing her wand at him. He began jumping up and down in anger, ready to hex her. "Don't tempt me to use a body binding curse, Malfoy!" she snarled at him. Draco sat back down, annoyed.

"Thank you Ginny, five points to Gryffindor," Hermione said.

At this, Draco stood up, an angry look on his face. Ginny grabbed his arm, muttering something that sounded like "Bat-Bogey Hex". Draco sat down again, pouting with his arms crossed.

It was annoying for Hermione to watch Malfoy glaring at Ginny throughout the entire meeting. And Ginny was glaring back! The two of them spent the duration of Hermione's speech—which she had worked on for a long time—having a staring contest. She didn't think that either of them listened to a word she said. 

She gave Draco an irritated look. "Thank you, Malfoy, for letting me run the entire meeting by myself," she said sarcastically. He looked at her crossly, pointing to his mouth.

"Oh, I had forgotten. Finite Incantatum," Ginny Weasley said, pointing her wand in Draco Malfoy's direction, then putting it away.

"Stupid Weasley brat!" he yelled at Ginny. "It figures that somebody as poor as you has no class at all!" Hermione rolled her eyes. He seriously needed to work on his insults.

Ginny took out her wand again. "Don't make me do it, Malfoy!"

"What's going on in here?" Serena Malfoy was at the door. "Draco, is this girl being mean to you?"

He grumbled. "Get lost. It's none of your business."

Suddenly Serena turned on Hermione. "I bet it's all your fault! You stupid bitch!"

Hermione just stared at her, hoping her will was strong enough to keep herself from hexing the less intelligent. "You don't even know me! How come you automatically assume that I'm a bitch?"

Serena continued in a high-pitched voice. "Oh, I know you, all right! You're the type of girl who tries to make the boys look bad. Who thinks that she's smarter than them, and is always upstaging them. Well, I'll tell you something. You're never going to get a boyfriend like that! Boys will only like you if you pretend to be as stupid as possible!" Draco was hiding his face in his hands, muttering something. "Come on, Draco! Let's get away from this mudblood and her mudblood loving friends!" She glanced at Harry, who was still sitting on Ron's lap. "You can come too, Harry and Ron," she said in a voice that dripped with fake sweetness.

Serena stormed out of the room. She was back in a few seconds. "Well? Aren't any of you coming?"

"We, um, have some… prefect business!" Draco said and Harry and Ron nodded furiously.

"I'll go with you!" Pansy Parkinson said. The two walked away, looking like they were best friends. Draco looked relieved. Pansy had been attempting to subject him—and anybody else who would listen—to her insipid chatter.

It was quiet for a few seconds.

"Wow, Malfoy. Suddenly everything is beginning to make sense," Ginny said in amazement. h

She and Hermione watched as Draco sulked and left the room wordlessly. Probably going off to complain to his two goons, Hermione thought.

"So what did I miss during the meeting?" Ginny asked.

Hermione was about to scold her for spending more time staring at one of her worst enemies than paying attention, but decided not to. "I just talked about prefect patrols and the Halloween Ball."

"There's a ball?! I have to find a dress! And a date!" Ginny said.

Hermione sighed. She knew that Ginny would have no trouble finding a boy to go with her, but it was harder for Hermione. The only males who weren't intimidated by her were Harry and Ron. And they were gay. She frowned, not knowing what to do. She knew that once Dumbledore announced the ball at the Welcoming Feast, nobody in school would talk about anything else. And she didn't have anybody in mind as a date. Damn. This whole dance business was giving her a migraine.