Title:  Hang

Disclaimer:  Not mine

Pairing: Jackie/Hyde

Archive:  Yeah, just ask.

Summary:  Jackie and Hyde future fic.  Sometime during the end of college. 

Not my typical kind of story (a little more real than I usually do). But it will be happy

Before it is over though.   

Rating:  PG-13

Looking around the one bedroom apartment she had called home since her sophomore year of college, Jackie Burkhart felt tired.  It wasn't the apartment's fault though.  It was small but homey.  There were a few more beer bottles and half empty potato chip bags for her taste but she had given up years ago trying to get Steven and the gang to clean up their mess.  She usually woke up early before going to class and cleaned.  But this morning she just didn't have the time.  She was meeting with her Senior advisor today.  She had been given the opportunity to spend her last semester in Europe.  Steven didn't know but she was thinking about taking it.  She felt like she was in a slump around here.    

Donna and Eric were married the summer before.  They had made Red and Kitty very happy by waiting until they graduated.  She had been Donna's bridesmaid and Steven had made a handsome best man.  It had been a really happy day for all involved.  Dancing at the reception she couldn't help but dream of her own wedding day.  Now Donna was pregnant and she and Eric were busy trying to balance future planning and present living.  They were both still working and moving into a new house of top of it.  Jackie hadn't seen Donna in two weeks even though they lived 10 minutes away.  And she had only talked to her on the phone for 15 minutes last Monday because she had called for an hour straight. 

But Jackie didn't really blame Donna for being too busy to care about her life.  She wasn't as selfish as she used to be.  Standing in the bathroom finishing her makeup she noticed Steven had left the cap off the toothpaste and had used the last clean hand cloth and sighed.  She was still high maintenance though.  And here lately she had gotten worse.  A serious case of Senioritis had taken over her life.  She wanted out of school, she wanted out of this town, and to be perfectly honest she needed something to change..  She felt like she was going nowhere at an incredibly slow pace. 

Just last night, Michael and Fez had come over, along with Michael's dorm-mate Rick.  Steven had stayed up until 3 in the morning watching TV and drinking.  She was sure at some point they had formed their old circle.  The smell of incense was still noticeable.  But Jackie didn't know for sure because she had locked herself in their room and refused to come out.  They had had a huge fight.  She had wanted to talk to Steven about her going away.  She had told him this when she called him at work during her lunch break.  And he had agreed with typical Steven apathy.  But he had "forgot" about the boys coming over.  And when he tried to apologize she had cut him off with a slam of their bedroom door. 

Now he was at work.  And she was going in to make one of the biggest decisions of her life without even consulting him.  It was a way too familiar feeling these days.  It seemed no one had time for her anymore.  She hadn't felt this way since the summer after her Junior year of high school, when she had been parentless and estranged from Steven.  Back then she had felt alone and confused.  She felt the same way now.  The funny thing was her father was out of prison; her mom was trying to reconnect after she had joined AA, and she had never loved Steven more. 

But was love enough?  Why did she feel so dissatisfied?  It just seemed like Steven was happy where they were.  With what they were.  And things were never going to change. 

She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall,

She burns all her notes and she knows,

She's been here too few years
To feel this old

Steven Hyde picked up the phone for the 15th time that morning.  If he called now he would still be able to catch her before she went to class.  He could apologize, make promises and hell even mean it.  She would forgive him and he could breathe easily for the rest of the day.  But like the fourteen times before it he hung up before dialing the number.  He didn't want to call and do the same dance again.  They'd been doing it for weeks.  Hell months.  Jackie hadn't been happy since Donna and Eric's wedding, and it had only gotten worse when she started back to school alone. 

"I'm taking a break" He told his boss and headed outside for a smoke.  It was a dirty habit he had picked up when he had moved out of the basement.  Jackie hated it.  She complained about the smoke ruining her beautiful clothes and told him it was going to stain his perfect teeth.  Taking a drag he realized she was probably right and he should quit.  If not for him, for her.  He should do a lot of things differently. 

He had never been the perfect boyfriend.  He had broken her heart once.  But since that long ago summer he had tried not to again.  He had never cheated on her a second time.  He had never even looked at another girl in that way.  Jackie, for better or worse, was the only girl for him.  She understood him in a weird unbelievable way.  And he understood her.  Or at least he used too.  Here lately she was a mystery.  She was always mad about something.  And he would blow it all off and say it was just that she wanted to get married.  Or that she missed Donna.  Which was probably true -but it was something more.  She was hiding something.

She was always complaining about the house.  Or the school, or the town, or her job.  She hated all his friends, she hated her own, and she had even started complaining about herself.  She was "getting fat" (4 pounds different from high school weight and she was freaking).  Her hair just wouldn't "curl".  The 80's clothes just weren't made to flatter "petite" women.  He had never in his life known Jackie to find fault with herself or her appearance.  But lately that was yet another thing that was lacking. 

Amazingly the only thing she didn't openly complain about was him.  She had her sighs, her nagging, that she had always had.  But other than his habits and friends, she didn't say much.  Even last night in the middle of the fight that his bad memory had gotten them into, all she had done was give him the tired sad eyes and shut the door.  He had left her alone.  He hadn't seen her like this since right after her dad got arrested.  Back when he hadn't known what to say.  Not that that had changed. 

He smokes his cigarette,

He stays outside 'til it's gone
If anybody ever had a heart,

He wouldn't be alone
He knows,

She's been here too few years,

To be gone

"Ms. Burkhart this is an extraordinary opportunity" Dr. Turner started "You would be wise to accept it." 

Jackie looked at the older man.  He was right.  She had beaten out quite a few students to get this chance.  She was studying to be a fashion designer.  And if she took this she would be able to study in Paris with some of her role models.  She would be getting valuable work experience.  She would get to travel.  She wouldn't have to spend her last semester here all alone at a campus devoid of all her friends.  Oh, yeah you could be alone in Paris instead the little Angel Jackie on her shoulder mocked. 

"Is this because of your boyfriend, Ms. Burkhart?"  Turner asked as if he knew it to be fact.  "Because if he told you not to take this then he is not looking out for your best interests".

"He doesn't know." Jackie defended.  She didn't know what he would say.  She hadn't had the opportunity to find out. 

"Well perhaps you should.  Maybe he can make you see reason.  And if you don't want to tell him maybe this relationship isn't serious enough to jeopardize your future over."

Jackie was insulted by the man's attitude.  He didn't know anything about her and Steven. "We are very serious Sir."

"Then maybe you should get married.  This Scholarship has a spousal provision you know that.  I told you last semester.  If he wanted to go along he could. And then you wouldn't…"

"Not that serious" she interrupted.  The man gave her a stern disapproving look, the kind only married adults could manage, and handed her some papers.  She looked at them.  They were the forms she would need to fill out by the end of this month if she were going to accept.  If she did she would leave the following week.  She had four weeks to make a decision that would change the rest of her life. 

Leaving Turner's office Jackie felt sick to her stomach.  What was she going to do?  She wanted to take it.  She didn't want to leave Steven.  It would help her future career.  Her relationship was stuck in limbo.  Not for the first time she thought –if only he wanted to marry me – but that was stupid talk.  Steven wasn't the marrying kind.  He hadn't even gotten teary at Eric and Donna's wedding.  He'd been sipping beers with Red when the garter was thrown.  And really could she ever see Hyde moving to Paris?  Even if only for a couple of months? 

They'd always talked about traveling when she got out of school.  Driving cross country, going to the beach, they wanted to do those things.  But this was entirely different.  Besides he liked his job, he was good at his job.  And he liked their home, and his friends, and everything else that had started to make her feel fed up.  Could she really ask him to change all that for her? 

No it would be better to just tell him she was leaving.  Tell her she loved him and would miss him and see ya in a few months.  They could write.  She would call.  Maybe the breather would do them good.  Maybe a change of scenery was just what they needed.

And we always say,

It would be good to go away,

Someday
But if there's nothing there

To make things change
If it's the same for you

I'll just hang

A week later, Hyde still had no idea what was wrong with Jackie.  She had gotten more quiet.  And she always looked like she had something to say.  But she never did.  She was hiding something and he didn't like it.  She didn't even seem happy that he had quit smoking. 

"I'm running to the grocery –need anything?" she asked smiling sweetly but sadly from the kitchen door. 

"No thanks" he answered and she was gone before he could offer to drive her.  He wished he still smoked and ran his hands through his hair.  He went to their bedroom and lay down on her side of the bed.  It smelled like Jackie, at least her scent hadn't changed; it made him feel a little better.  Rolling over he noticed her book bag on the floor.  He didn't know why but he unzipped it.  And noticed a well worn form sticking out from behind her books. 

Acceptance Form:  Mademoiselle Scholarship   Reading over it he realized what he had been missing.  She was leaving him and she didn't even have the guts to tell him.  He felt stupid.  He felt mad.  And beyond that he felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest.  He didn't understand how this was happening.  He hadn't done anything.  He wasn't the best boyfriend in the world, yes.  But he didn't deserve this. 

And he wasn't letting her go without a fight. 

The trouble understand,

Is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see at all,

'Til she grabbed up her coat
And she goes,

She's been here too few years

To take it all in stride
But still it's much too long,

To let the hurt go (You let her go)

She got back from the grocery (a lame excuse to get out of the house and miss another perfect chance to talk to Steven) and didn't know what she was walking into.  Taking off her coat she walked into the bedroom to find Steven sitting on the bed, hands in his lap not looking at her.  She was confused for a minute before she noticed the piece of paper beside him.  She felt her stomach drop. 

"So you were just gonna leave without telling me?" he asked, his voice betraying him, making him sound like the little sad orphan he had never wanted to be.  He looked up at the stricken look on her face.  She didn't look like someone who hated him.  He could see the same loving warmth in her eyes that he had seen every day for the last six years.  She didn't look like she wanted to hurt him.  So why was she?

The look in his eyes was almost too much.   It was the look she'd been dreading since deciding to take the Scholarship.  It was the reason she had said very little to him for the last week.  She loved him too much.  And seeing him look like that was killing her.  "No!  No I wasn't. Look, I…"

"Then what the hell is this?" he shouted holding up the form.  How dare she deny it? He had evidence in his hand.  He thought briefly that yelling at her wasn't exactly the way to keep her.  But her sad eyes were back and they just pissed him off more.  How dare she be sad.

"Steven" she pleaded grabbing his hands.  She wanted him to listen.  She needed him to. "Listen to me."  When he shook her off and tried to leave the room she switched methods summoning up some anger herself.  She had been so tired for weeks, now that it was out in the open she felt better.  She felt like the old Jackie. "Oh NO you don't.  You will sit down on this bed and listen to me.  You are not going Zen on me and walking out."

"I'm not the one walking out JACKIE." He stated but let himself be taken back in the room.  He didn't really want to walk out anyway.  He wanted things to stay the way they were. 

"Fine, Fine, you aren't at fault okay?  Okay?  Is that what you want to hear?  It is all me.  I'm not happy."  She was crying now.  She didn't know why she couldn't just make things the way she wanted them.  Why couldn't she have it all? 

He felt like he'd been punched in the gut.  He didn't know why she didn't just announce she was going to Paris with Kelso.  That couldn't have hurt worse.  He tried to stop the emotions running through his heart and body and mind.  He wanted to turn them off.

She saw the look descend over him features.  She felt like they were in the basement again, stupid teenagers, and she had just said the wrong thing.  "No that is not what I mean.  I'm happy with you.  I don't want to break up.  I love you."

He took in a deep breath that he didn't realize he needed until after her clarification.  "I know you are not happy Jackie." He looked around the room and then looked her in the eyes.  "I'm not blind." 

She sat down beside him and took his hand.  He wrapped his fingers around her smaller ones.  She loved the way that had always made her feel.  He made her feel safe and loved.  He made her feel strong.  And she knew that he was the reason she was strong enough to do this.  To leave him, even though she didn't want to.  "I was offered this chance.  And I want to take it.  And I feel like I need to –to get away.  Because I need to experience something new."

"Someone new?" he asked just because he was still feeling bruised from the earlier memories of his old insecurity. 

"Never" she shook her head vehemently. 

"And I can't go?" he asked.

She was surprised he offered and it showed.  "Well… no… not really"

"You don't want me too."  He realized feeling hurt again but comforted by the fact that she was still clinging tightly to his hand. 

"NO!  It is not that.  I would love for you to go.  I would love to see the world with you.  It's just …."

"What?" he asked curious now at what else she was hiding.  When did she get so good at that?  Had she been practicing while he was on smoke breaks?

She wondered if she should lie.  She didn't want him thinking that this was an elaborate plan to trick him into marriage.  "Only,.. spouses are allowed to go with Scholarship awardees." 

He sighed.  This was it.  This was why she had been so upset and so hesitant to say anything.  Even since Donna and Eric's wedding she had thought he didn't want to marry her.  And now she was afraid that he thought she wanted to get married.  He sighed again –maybe he did still know her after all.    "Then let's get married"

"What?" she gasped.  She wasn't really surprised he offered but it was still ridiculous.  Steven Hyde did not want to get married. 

"I want to get married." He stated.

"What?" she asked again like a broken record. 

"I always have" he laughed at her shocked expression. 

"What?" she asked again. 

"Okay I think I've heard that song doll, can we skip to the next one?" he laughed again getting up and wandering over to the dresser pulling her with him in his refusal to let go of her hand. 

"You do not want to get married."  She stated never more sure of anything in her life. 

He looked down at the woman he loved, and would always love.  He had been so stupid to ignore her unhappiness and hope it would go away.  He had been so stupid to not notice she was hurting and needed to be told how much she was loved.  He was so stupid to not have proposed a year ago or at least have hinted that he might eventually.  But he wasn't going to be stupid anymore.  He wasn't perfect but he was better than that.  Reaching in the drawer he pulled out the black box that he had told Red about at Eric's wedding.  He had kept it hidden in his Sunday socks (the black ones Kitty had bought him to wear to church –the one he didn't go to) since then.  He threw the box up in the air watching it flip as it came to rest in Jackie's small hand.  "Then what is that?" 

She almost fainted.  This wasn't.  It couldn't be.  There was just no way she had been tying herself up in knots for months, convinced she would have to leave him or give the Scholarship, for no reason.  She opened the box and realized she had.  Oh God, it was beautiful.  And he had never even let on?  She hit him hard in the arm. 

"Ow, what the hell was that for? It is Emerald cut, I listen."  This woman was too much. 

She suddenly felt elated and began to laugh.  She laughed until tears were running down her face.  She had been so sad and now she was so happy.  In between happy gasps of air she said "We are getting married."

He smiled back gathering her in his arms to stroke her back reassuringly.  "And we are going to Paris." 

And we always say,

It would be good to go away,

Someday
But if there's nothing there

To make things change
If it's the same for you

I'll just hang

The same for you
I'll always hang