Okay so qaf doesn't belong to me nothing, nothing, too bad.
warning: spoilers from season 3, 2 and 1
type: Brian's pov. ANGST.
author: Vero and Milla.
summary: Brian's is up to do something and think about this past two
years.
Perfect Days 1/4.
There I was, me, Brian Kinney, waiting for the bus. That was a little
weird; I hadn't taken the bus for so long. But today I had no choice.
Mikey had my car and he was somewhere with Hunter running from the
law. The wind was cold and the bus was late. I remembered the reason
why I didn't like to take the bus. I was standing there, repeating
all I wanted to say, all I had planned. The bus was finally on the
way and I shook my hand to tell it to stop. I sat and looked at the
window and suddenly I was thinking how much my life changed in two
years. So many things I thought never could happen, actually
happened.
I could picture myself two years ago, sure, I was the king of the
world. I had a really good job, a great loft, all I had to do was
wake up in the morning, go to work and do it well as usual, and have
fun the rest of the time with Mikey and bring a trick home for the
night. I remembered at that time, I was thinking it could be like
that until forever or almost. Everything was perfect, all was
planned, me and Mikey, in that way, until the day we would be old
enough to finish our days at Palm Springs like an old couple of fags.
Well, I was living in a fucking illusion at that time. My perfect
plans and hopes crashed down. Two years ago, Justin came along. I
thought everything started that day. Justin, young in a way I wasn't
anymore. Seventeen; being with him, I was seventeen again. I wanted
to stop time. But being with Justin had that other effect to remember
me I wasn't seventeen anymore, too.
But Mikey and I, in our way to be, we were seventeen at heart, so
dependant on each other too in a way we weren't conscious of
ourselves. The only thing we didn't do together was sex and it worked
pretty well, at least for me. The sex I could have with others and
Mikey, too. They were no big deal until one of us was involved
emotionally with someone else or not letting someone interfering in
our lives. Like an unspoken contract. So if I didn't do boyfriends
like I liked to say it, he didn't do, too.
And Justin came along. Justin had everything to attract me. He was
young, he was full of strength, he wasn't afraid of anything and he
had everything to learn. Mikey saw him as a danger immediately but
not I. I underestimated Justin at that time. Not Michael. I was just
enjoying Justin's presence, no more, and was enjoying seeing Mikey
all pissed and showed it when Justin was around. I enjoyed that a
lot. I loved to tease Mikey or provoke him with Justin. Mikey was
never jealous of any trick but with Justin it was so different, in a
way I didn't think. I realised it the day I fucked him in his old
room. I was in shock; I never thought he could be so upset with that.
But he was. Things were already slowly changing with Justin, just
because I let him, without concern really, invade our lives. The
unspoken contract we made was broken.
I just didn't pay attention to that change much and he came along.
David, the old gorgeous chiropractor who never went away. David was
all Michael could dream of, the picture of the dad, gorgeous and
successful, and most of all he wanted him and only him. Someone as
gorgeous as David wanted him. A miracle for him and Debbie and his
dear friends didn't miss the chance to remind him of that fact. David
wanted Michael as a partner for life; he was like a fucking ad for a
prince perfect charming. For the first time in my whole life I
couldn't scare a guy away or steal him from Michael in order to keep
Michael for myself like it used to be. It was funny, it was probably
the same way Michael felt for Justin.
Shit! That bus stopped at every station. That will take an hour
before I will arrive there.
David threatened me in a way nobody did before. He showed me that
Mikey wasn't for granted like I thought; he showed me that my
greatest plan was just an illusion. Mikey could go. I fought the Doc,
ready to fuck up everything I could between them and I did. And whole
success, but what I didn't know was the change happened inside me.
Justin with his strength to handle his messed up life as well as he
could, with his parents, and all his teenage reactions did have an
effect on me. He was seventeen, and I felt myself impressed by a
seventeen year old boy. At least he wasn't running from his life. He
was dealing with the mess and trying to do the best. in his teenage
way, all messy, but he wasn't running like me. Justin made me think a
lot and I thought about everything I did to fuck up Michael's
relationship, too. The turnpike, all I said there was planned in
order to make Mikey back off and not move in with the Doc. I didn't
planned Ted and Emmett, but everything went fine and the most
important, I was telling for the first time something I never told
him before and he had all stars in his eyes. I smiled again, thinking
of his face. Something was weird after that, Michael was no longer
with the Doc, but nothing changed. Like nothing happened. I
remembered being pissed after he said he didn't break up with David
because of me. What a liar. After the show I did on the turnpike, it
wasn't my fault? I remembered I said something mean to him at that
time. Like usual, I used my revenge mode.
Then Debbie showed up with her speech. Debbie never had a clue of my
feelings for Michael and she proved it again that day. But she did
have a point. Michael had no life. He was always hanging out with me,
stuck at a point, stuck in something that didn't exist anymore. I
wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship at that time, certainly
not, but learning the fact that Michael wasn't for granted, telling
him my feelings in the best way I could to make sure he never moved
him with the Doc was something important and listening to Debbie say
Michael was stuck in a dream life... I had to admit she had a point.
Everything was on the way to having our relationship changed after
all I did in a way or another but nothing happened and Michael seemed
happy that way. A way I wasn't happy with anymore. I had to let him
go. He deserved it because if he was only waiting for me to fuck him,
it wasn't my plan. I couldn't let him be a fuck because I loved him
too much and sure that fuck for me could never have been a simple
fuck. I couldn't have let him go be a fuck, because I just couldn't
bear to see my worst nightmare come true: the fact Michael thought he
loved me because he never had that fuck, because he was melting lust
and love. It was more than I could handle. I couldn't let him go by
telling him "listen Mikey I don't love you in the way you want, never
have, never will." It wasn't the truth, and I was just saying the
contrary days ago. And with that I was sure it could be the end and I
didn't want it. I found the birthday bash idea. Gave him the best
from me and the worst in one day.
Now, I have to be honest, I knew Michael would be mad but if I
really wanted to let him go, the other solution was better than this
one. The fact was I underestimated myself again. It was the first
time I was apart so long from Michael. It was horrible to realise how
much you can underestimate yourself and your love. That first year, I
learned a lot. I even found myself turning to Justin. I liked the
kid, I used him to try to replace the hole Michael left in my heart.
My cell phone rang, it wasn't Michael number, I hoped he was fine. I
didn't want to respond to Justin. He could leave a message.
The Doc did his job well, a controlling freak. I hated him. I lost my
son's rights; Mikey was living with the Doc. My dad was dead and I
buried my ghosts with him. The future was uncertain. I felt myself
going insane, soon. I felt empty. I would be 30 years old and all
that I had that really mattered was my job and my flat. Fucking
material things. I wanted to leave, begin something new, running
again from my fucking empty life where everything was on the surface.
I really made a big deal of that job, the more often I was saying it
will be so great, etc.. I was trying to convince myself. It will be
so much better, you have nothing here. Lindsay and Justin made a big
deal of that. Michael said nothing, maybe he didn't because he
thought it was the way I wanted it and had nothing to say for my own
happiness. And when I didn't have that promotion, I felt miserable,
like in that domain, too, I was not good enough. And David asked
Michael to go with him to Portland. Talk about running his life.
the birthday they got me was horrible. I certainly bashed Michael's
birthday but mine was bashed, too. I was depressed in a way nobody
knew and they just brought me the coffin. Maybe it was just what I
deserved, a coffin. I said to Michael I didn't have the job, I
wasn't going to New York. I could see he was upset. I knew just what
I had to do was say stay and he would stay. But come on, stay for
what? Michael wasn't a kid anymore; things had to change. He had to
make his own decisions; he had to have his own experiences, too. Here
with me he was stuck, we were trapped, I never wanted to fuck him
because I was too scared to lose him and he was ready to stay like we
always were. That was wrong all wrong. We had to move, maybe apart to
learn who we were in individual ways. I said to go with David, to
grow up, and after all, it was in own decision, his life. If he
really wanted he could say no, not because he wanted, not because
someone told him to not go or go. I wanted to shake him; he had a
life, someone ready to take him, a family and friend who loved him.
Someone had to try something new, try a new life. It couldn't be me,
so it could have been Mikey.
Once again I underestimated myself. When I heard him say yes,
something deep inside me was hoping he couldn't say yes. He was
trying something I couldn't. He was leaving me.
I had a hard time handling the emptiness of my life. Even Justin's
innocence and enthusiasm didn't do it. I couldn't live without
Michael, I was hoping for the day he could back off. I didn't go to
that farewell party. I was in my drama queen high level there. I was
playing with my life, decided to have a great time, doing scarfing. I
didn't care if I could die, maybe I'd die, maybe not, it was my game
of the day. Maybe my new favourite game for the other day too since
there was nothing in my life. I knew I did that game during the
farewell party. Some romantic part of me was probably hoping Michael
would come to rescue me and tell me he loved me and finally stay,
happily together after. Well, Michael went to rescue me. That was
almost like a fucking dream, I almost lost consciousness and he was
there, yelling at me. Like my funny bullshit romantic plan. But in
reality it's something other. He pissed me off; he didn't understand
anything about all I said to him. We talked about two different
things with the same line.
I was like, what the hell is this situation? At least I understood
one thing; he was in shock, even if he didn't get the whole meaning
of my speech or the reason why I did it. I saw his concern and
whatever happened with the Doc, Michael was under my spell, like he
used to be. I had all my power and I coped with things. Michael and
David couldn't last. Soon or later he would be back. It was all I
could hope. I decided to go to that prom. Justin was still there and
he wanted me. He was sweet, he needed me, and I needed someone at
that time. My selfishness at that time turned to disaster. Justin got
bashed. I called Michael, Michael came, I was devastated. He had to
cope with me for three days in my messy ways. I did it for him
because he was there. When he finally left for Portland like he said,
I was so angry with him. Justin was there because of me and Michael
left me. When he came back, I was glad inside but furious. Michael
was a part of the past, not the future and as always I underestimated
myself on that point, too.
God, taking the bus is definitely hell; I won't be there for 30
minutes.
Part2
I couldn't help it but a part of me was mad at him. I decided when he left me that it was over. That's why I didn't answer his emails. I didn't even read them. It hurt too much at the thought of just opening one and reading it. So he came back. Well, I didn't give a shit. But I had to be honest. When he came back, when he tried again to fix the mess I was, I began to stop living as a ghost and began to be me again, began to appreciate being alive again, began to feel alive again. But that didn't change the fact that I was hurt. I was still mad at him and didn't want forget the hurt, to not be hurting like I already was. It wasn't easy because when I was with him I found myself so weak, he was still my Mikey and I couldn't resist him like when I accepted to go to his fucking Comicon. Mikey wanted everything back like before, like he never went away. Well he had to learn that things changed. I remembered going on my way to that Comicon when I saw the sexy cop and I did it. Because I didn't care, be with Mikey or not. Then he had to learn, I moved on. But as always, when suddenly I had to face him, and his anger and everything, I felt bad and Justin was there to remind me he wasn't the only one to love me. Did he really still love me? That's why he wanted things back like before, like he never left? I still loved him and I went to that convention, to find my dearest madman in full mode. He got the message I wanted to teach him. Time passed and things couldn't be back like before. Things couldn't be like before. He was right but with all my heart I remembered him the promise we made, that nothing could tear us apart. Even with changes in our life we were still Michael and Brian and we had to face those changes in our life together not apart because we couldn't be apart, we couldn't let something come between us no matter what it could be. So, this time, it was me who had to go to him like he did with me after his birthday bash. He forgave me that day and I forgave him for leaving me that way.
Mikey impressed me a lot. He realised his dream, bought his comic store and I was so happy. My Mikey for the first time was taking his life by the hands and decided to do something for himself.
Then, a realisation came to me when I was with Justin at that supermarket. There was that hot guy and I understood something: the fact that everybody thought Justin was my boyfriend, including Justin. That was a sort of shock. Justin wasn't by boyfriend. I wasn't settling down for Justin. Shit, everything was taking a turn I didn't want there. And my first message was to fuck that guy, to have to tell him the world; it wasn't what the world thought. I had to pass the message to everybody and of course Justin was truly disappointed. I never promised anything. I didn't do boyfriends. Even Michael came to me to give me his lesson about Justin and the way I acted! Christ, even he was thinking I was with Justin in a boyfriend shit way! I said he had to stay out of it. Justin wasn't my boyfriend. And if in the entire world there was someone who needed to know that, it was Mikey. I didn't count how many times I repeated it to him to be sure it wasn't what he thought since that time. And how funny could life be? At that same time I told him that he was telling me he met a hot professor and I could see on his face that he had a crush. Shit! That was quick. He was back since when? Life sucked.
And I had to bear Debbie's second round! The topic of the month this time was Justin. I had to admit like always she had good point. Too bad she always wrapped her good argument with bullshit stuff. Once again, she didn't have a clue of my feelings for Mikey. So now I had to tell Justin I loved him back, something I never could do to Michael. Like I said, full of bullshit. But the fact was I truly liked the kid and didn't want to lose him, too. With Mikey everything was so complicated, I never knew where I was, where he was, where we were. With Justin, everything could be clear. We made rules. That seemed the good deal. Life is so cruel sometimes. So Justin, who was the one to claim his love to me all the time with all his bullshit, showed me his love by breaking his own rules. That was that his love for me? And after he broke the rules, he expected me to be at his feet. Justin was there to remember that love was bullshit like I believed and I never loved Justin, so I never let him have chance to win something else he already had with me when he broke the rules. I couldn't do what I could do for Mikey; I could forgive Mikey with an endless credit sooner or later, but not Justin.
Oh, I just saw one of my ads on a building. I thought that campaign time was over since a month ago. I have to admit, that ad was fucking good. Well, all my ads are fucking good.
The professor was now in Mikey's life. After the image of the dad with the doc, the image of the comic superhero that the professor could picture with his body and all. He wanted him and he fought for him, made him a challenge. He decided he wanted him, and he fucked the "precious" advice of people who pushed him with the doc months ago. Michael couldn't be influenced like before, that was great to see. I stayed neutral the most I could. Mikey had to assume and make his own decisions and I was the first to want that for him. But I was worried. Dating an HIV+ man could bring so much pain. I trusted Michael to be careful but the emotion department was more dangerous. I didn't want to see Michael's suffering. I told him to not fall in love with him, for his safety. That entire situation about HIV and risk made me think a lot. The one I loved, even if I trusted him was dating death; I had to be sure that the second person I care about was always safe too.
Soon, another deception for my life came to me. Lindsay broke my heart, as I finally tried to open to the others, with the kind support and trust of Michael who said to me it was okay to be human. It was hard to discover that someone I knew as long as Lindsay, someone who I thought knew me, just never knew me like I thought. She loved me for sure, but she loved someone who didn't exist inside me, she loved the image she built in her mind. And finally, I had to admit that the only person who really knew me, the only person who really loved me for what I am was Michael. Michael always have, always will. I had him, only him.
Life is tricky; I just discovered the only one person who loved me for what I am was Michael and guess what? Life was there to remind me that even that love was unsure. Life brought me back my worst nightmare in my face. Michael discovered I fucked the professor and his obsession about the fact I never fucked him came back to the surface and with that all my fears, too. Did Michael love me? Was everything just about sex? Is everything about me and my life about sex? Did this include Michael, too? I was at a point that I needed to know. I asked him, was he was jealous because I slept with him or he slept with me? I wanted to know. I wasn't afraid to ask and I came to my conclusion. If Michael wanted a fuck, then he would have his fuck. And we could move on. I needed to know where we were. I was ready to risk and confront my biggest fear. I could cope with the mess of my emotions after. So, I did it, I was ready to give him that fuck, if it was what he wanted. I kissed him, I groped his crotch, I felt his erection as he began to give in to the kiss. It was weird, full of frustrations from both of us ready to let go. I did feel the lust in me growing as he probably felt the same inside him; I wanted him, there for him, for me it was all about sex, our frustration. And he pushed me away. Because it was wrong. I was breathing heavily. Not sure I wanted to stop there, confused. But I saw his eyes. His own realisation that it wasn't what he wanted not a fuck and full stop. I couldn't be a simple fuck. It was more than a fantasy. He was hurt, confusion melted with anger. And I had the opposite feelings when I recovered from what just happened. I felt at peace. I felt like a winner. I felt proud. I couldn't be a fuck to him and I wanted him to know. I knew his secret identity. Michael loved me, he sure was full of lust for me, but it was based because of the love and not the contrary. I left, with a smile. But I knew I acted like an asshole. I knew when I left him he was deeply upset. When I went to Babylon that night, I was so happy like when I left him. I felt awkward. He was dancing with the professor. It was kind of weird. He was still with the professor. I didn't have time to think, the professor left us and Michael looked at me, like nothing happened at all. I talked about a guy I found hot. I had to say something. I couldn't stay like an idiot standing there. He answered me like nothing really happened. Well, he wasn't mad at me at least. Everything was back as before again, when it could have been different. We danced together. I chose to do like him, and acted like nothing happened. I had my answer and that was enough.
Then, Justin and Michael decided to draw a comic and I felt left out. They had a common point and seemed to develop a perfect new kind of relationship that didn't exist before. Before I was their common point, but not anymore. Mikey appreciated Justin for the first time with an open heart. I felt excluded. In a way, Justin belonged to me. He was someone at my side. Now, Mikey was sort of stealing him from me. I was jealous. Not only for that, I was jealous of the fact Mikey gave him his friendship too in a way he never did. Before, there was a balance. Justin was the one Michael bore because of me and vice and versa. Now they seemed to become friends. I was jealous, because Justin was mine, a possession and jealous because I couldn't accept seeing Mikey give something that belongs to me to Justin. Michael was my best friend. I was just afraid he could prefer Justin's company to me. I was afraid to lose them both for different reasons. But the feeling that invaded me, drove me insane. The jealousy. I acted like a little kid furious and jealous to see his parents sharing a tender hug when they had to be focusing their love for their kid only. I was an idiot. Nothing changed in fact, and their common point was still me. My place in their heart wasn't threatened. Things were still like they used to be.
Then I had my problem with my job, Christ, life just couldn't let me at peace one moment? I was freaked out and Justin showed me again his way to love. He just didn't understand. I had to sacrifice all I built hardly all this year for him, to go to Vermont. Is that his idea of love? Then I came back and he wasn't there. Shit, I was disappointed and pissed. What just the fuck was I for that kid? He was disappointed to find me fucking a guy when he came back from Vermont. What did he expect?
And life must hate me badly because like it wasn't enough, the professor got sick. Michael was lost. He needed me. I was feeling his hurt and I wanted to wash it away so much. Seeing him hurting was unbearable. He was born to be happy, not to cry. But seeing him crying for the professor, I had to admit killed me too. When I came back, Justin had such bad timing with his romantic picnic. I was a mess, I wanted to forget the pain, the pain to see the man I loved hurt, forget to know that the man I loved was crying for someone else. I just wanted to fuck my brains out, wanted forget in perdition of sex, drugs and alcohol, like I always did when I can't bear the reality of my life.
I saw Emmett waking on the street. He had a lot of shopping bags in his hands. Well, he was coping with his depression with shopping. I hope everything will be okay for him soon.
Finally, Justin made his last straw. Ethan. At first I didn't give a shit. It was not like I was in love with Justin and that could hurt me. He was seeing someone else. Fine. Of course that was until Mikey put the finger on the detail. The push button he knew made me react. What about the truth? Shit! Justin was lying to me, playing a game. What about the honesty I always show to him, what about the truth? He was humiliating me, acting like he did. I sure didn't deserve that after all. It was not like I made promises to him; it was not like I said something to him that wasn't true. So why did he feel the way to act like that? I took care to have that game be back to me and be sure to control everything again. You don't fuck with Brian Kinney. So Justin wanted me to say I loved him? Justin wanted something I couldn't give. I told him honestly. After, it was up to him to decide what he wanted for himself. I had enough of Justin's bullshit. As far I could like the kid, sometimes his dreamy bullshit hit my nerves. He had to learn without me, if he what he wanted to. Plus, something was up, the professor wanted to go to Tibet. That was an interesting option. Justin put the blame on Michael. What the fuck? Who broke the rules and cheated on me? Who lied? I told him, Michael was right to tell me. Full stop. I had to admit Michael is untouchable. Nobody had the right to attack him but me if I felt I had a valid reason. Michael is sacred territory.
It was time to remind Justin what was our relationship, what the deal was at the beginning. I asked Lindsay to tell him I was searching for him. When he came to me, I was fucking Rage. I found it funny to be fucking my own representation. Must be my egocentric part. I was smiling like the idiot I'm not at the thought. The only thing was I didn't plan what happened next. He fucking left me with Ethan in front of everybody. Brian Kinney for everybody was just being dumped. Did I really deserve that humiliation? I was honest from the beginning. Why did he do that to me? That little piece of blond boy ass. That hurt.
The bus finally arrived. I looked at the address. I asked someone the directions. I had still to walk for ten minutes before being at my destination. How people can survive that way? Without a car?
tbc
warning: spoilers from season 3, 2 and 1
type: Brian's pov. ANGST.
author: Vero and Milla.
summary: Brian's is up to do something and think about this past two
years.
Perfect Days 1/4.
There I was, me, Brian Kinney, waiting for the bus. That was a little
weird; I hadn't taken the bus for so long. But today I had no choice.
Mikey had my car and he was somewhere with Hunter running from the
law. The wind was cold and the bus was late. I remembered the reason
why I didn't like to take the bus. I was standing there, repeating
all I wanted to say, all I had planned. The bus was finally on the
way and I shook my hand to tell it to stop. I sat and looked at the
window and suddenly I was thinking how much my life changed in two
years. So many things I thought never could happen, actually
happened.
I could picture myself two years ago, sure, I was the king of the
world. I had a really good job, a great loft, all I had to do was
wake up in the morning, go to work and do it well as usual, and have
fun the rest of the time with Mikey and bring a trick home for the
night. I remembered at that time, I was thinking it could be like
that until forever or almost. Everything was perfect, all was
planned, me and Mikey, in that way, until the day we would be old
enough to finish our days at Palm Springs like an old couple of fags.
Well, I was living in a fucking illusion at that time. My perfect
plans and hopes crashed down. Two years ago, Justin came along. I
thought everything started that day. Justin, young in a way I wasn't
anymore. Seventeen; being with him, I was seventeen again. I wanted
to stop time. But being with Justin had that other effect to remember
me I wasn't seventeen anymore, too.
But Mikey and I, in our way to be, we were seventeen at heart, so
dependant on each other too in a way we weren't conscious of
ourselves. The only thing we didn't do together was sex and it worked
pretty well, at least for me. The sex I could have with others and
Mikey, too. They were no big deal until one of us was involved
emotionally with someone else or not letting someone interfering in
our lives. Like an unspoken contract. So if I didn't do boyfriends
like I liked to say it, he didn't do, too.
And Justin came along. Justin had everything to attract me. He was
young, he was full of strength, he wasn't afraid of anything and he
had everything to learn. Mikey saw him as a danger immediately but
not I. I underestimated Justin at that time. Not Michael. I was just
enjoying Justin's presence, no more, and was enjoying seeing Mikey
all pissed and showed it when Justin was around. I enjoyed that a
lot. I loved to tease Mikey or provoke him with Justin. Mikey was
never jealous of any trick but with Justin it was so different, in a
way I didn't think. I realised it the day I fucked him in his old
room. I was in shock; I never thought he could be so upset with that.
But he was. Things were already slowly changing with Justin, just
because I let him, without concern really, invade our lives. The
unspoken contract we made was broken.
I just didn't pay attention to that change much and he came along.
David, the old gorgeous chiropractor who never went away. David was
all Michael could dream of, the picture of the dad, gorgeous and
successful, and most of all he wanted him and only him. Someone as
gorgeous as David wanted him. A miracle for him and Debbie and his
dear friends didn't miss the chance to remind him of that fact. David
wanted Michael as a partner for life; he was like a fucking ad for a
prince perfect charming. For the first time in my whole life I
couldn't scare a guy away or steal him from Michael in order to keep
Michael for myself like it used to be. It was funny, it was probably
the same way Michael felt for Justin.
Shit! That bus stopped at every station. That will take an hour
before I will arrive there.
David threatened me in a way nobody did before. He showed me that
Mikey wasn't for granted like I thought; he showed me that my
greatest plan was just an illusion. Mikey could go. I fought the Doc,
ready to fuck up everything I could between them and I did. And whole
success, but what I didn't know was the change happened inside me.
Justin with his strength to handle his messed up life as well as he
could, with his parents, and all his teenage reactions did have an
effect on me. He was seventeen, and I felt myself impressed by a
seventeen year old boy. At least he wasn't running from his life. He
was dealing with the mess and trying to do the best. in his teenage
way, all messy, but he wasn't running like me. Justin made me think a
lot and I thought about everything I did to fuck up Michael's
relationship, too. The turnpike, all I said there was planned in
order to make Mikey back off and not move in with the Doc. I didn't
planned Ted and Emmett, but everything went fine and the most
important, I was telling for the first time something I never told
him before and he had all stars in his eyes. I smiled again, thinking
of his face. Something was weird after that, Michael was no longer
with the Doc, but nothing changed. Like nothing happened. I
remembered being pissed after he said he didn't break up with David
because of me. What a liar. After the show I did on the turnpike, it
wasn't my fault? I remembered I said something mean to him at that
time. Like usual, I used my revenge mode.
Then Debbie showed up with her speech. Debbie never had a clue of my
feelings for Michael and she proved it again that day. But she did
have a point. Michael had no life. He was always hanging out with me,
stuck at a point, stuck in something that didn't exist anymore. I
wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship at that time, certainly
not, but learning the fact that Michael wasn't for granted, telling
him my feelings in the best way I could to make sure he never moved
him with the Doc was something important and listening to Debbie say
Michael was stuck in a dream life... I had to admit she had a point.
Everything was on the way to having our relationship changed after
all I did in a way or another but nothing happened and Michael seemed
happy that way. A way I wasn't happy with anymore. I had to let him
go. He deserved it because if he was only waiting for me to fuck him,
it wasn't my plan. I couldn't let him be a fuck because I loved him
too much and sure that fuck for me could never have been a simple
fuck. I couldn't have let him go be a fuck, because I just couldn't
bear to see my worst nightmare come true: the fact Michael thought he
loved me because he never had that fuck, because he was melting lust
and love. It was more than I could handle. I couldn't let him go by
telling him "listen Mikey I don't love you in the way you want, never
have, never will." It wasn't the truth, and I was just saying the
contrary days ago. And with that I was sure it could be the end and I
didn't want it. I found the birthday bash idea. Gave him the best
from me and the worst in one day.
Now, I have to be honest, I knew Michael would be mad but if I
really wanted to let him go, the other solution was better than this
one. The fact was I underestimated myself again. It was the first
time I was apart so long from Michael. It was horrible to realise how
much you can underestimate yourself and your love. That first year, I
learned a lot. I even found myself turning to Justin. I liked the
kid, I used him to try to replace the hole Michael left in my heart.
My cell phone rang, it wasn't Michael number, I hoped he was fine. I
didn't want to respond to Justin. He could leave a message.
The Doc did his job well, a controlling freak. I hated him. I lost my
son's rights; Mikey was living with the Doc. My dad was dead and I
buried my ghosts with him. The future was uncertain. I felt myself
going insane, soon. I felt empty. I would be 30 years old and all
that I had that really mattered was my job and my flat. Fucking
material things. I wanted to leave, begin something new, running
again from my fucking empty life where everything was on the surface.
I really made a big deal of that job, the more often I was saying it
will be so great, etc.. I was trying to convince myself. It will be
so much better, you have nothing here. Lindsay and Justin made a big
deal of that. Michael said nothing, maybe he didn't because he
thought it was the way I wanted it and had nothing to say for my own
happiness. And when I didn't have that promotion, I felt miserable,
like in that domain, too, I was not good enough. And David asked
Michael to go with him to Portland. Talk about running his life.
the birthday they got me was horrible. I certainly bashed Michael's
birthday but mine was bashed, too. I was depressed in a way nobody
knew and they just brought me the coffin. Maybe it was just what I
deserved, a coffin. I said to Michael I didn't have the job, I
wasn't going to New York. I could see he was upset. I knew just what
I had to do was say stay and he would stay. But come on, stay for
what? Michael wasn't a kid anymore; things had to change. He had to
make his own decisions; he had to have his own experiences, too. Here
with me he was stuck, we were trapped, I never wanted to fuck him
because I was too scared to lose him and he was ready to stay like we
always were. That was wrong all wrong. We had to move, maybe apart to
learn who we were in individual ways. I said to go with David, to
grow up, and after all, it was in own decision, his life. If he
really wanted he could say no, not because he wanted, not because
someone told him to not go or go. I wanted to shake him; he had a
life, someone ready to take him, a family and friend who loved him.
Someone had to try something new, try a new life. It couldn't be me,
so it could have been Mikey.
Once again I underestimated myself. When I heard him say yes,
something deep inside me was hoping he couldn't say yes. He was
trying something I couldn't. He was leaving me.
I had a hard time handling the emptiness of my life. Even Justin's
innocence and enthusiasm didn't do it. I couldn't live without
Michael, I was hoping for the day he could back off. I didn't go to
that farewell party. I was in my drama queen high level there. I was
playing with my life, decided to have a great time, doing scarfing. I
didn't care if I could die, maybe I'd die, maybe not, it was my game
of the day. Maybe my new favourite game for the other day too since
there was nothing in my life. I knew I did that game during the
farewell party. Some romantic part of me was probably hoping Michael
would come to rescue me and tell me he loved me and finally stay,
happily together after. Well, Michael went to rescue me. That was
almost like a fucking dream, I almost lost consciousness and he was
there, yelling at me. Like my funny bullshit romantic plan. But in
reality it's something other. He pissed me off; he didn't understand
anything about all I said to him. We talked about two different
things with the same line.
I was like, what the hell is this situation? At least I understood
one thing; he was in shock, even if he didn't get the whole meaning
of my speech or the reason why I did it. I saw his concern and
whatever happened with the Doc, Michael was under my spell, like he
used to be. I had all my power and I coped with things. Michael and
David couldn't last. Soon or later he would be back. It was all I
could hope. I decided to go to that prom. Justin was still there and
he wanted me. He was sweet, he needed me, and I needed someone at
that time. My selfishness at that time turned to disaster. Justin got
bashed. I called Michael, Michael came, I was devastated. He had to
cope with me for three days in my messy ways. I did it for him
because he was there. When he finally left for Portland like he said,
I was so angry with him. Justin was there because of me and Michael
left me. When he came back, I was glad inside but furious. Michael
was a part of the past, not the future and as always I underestimated
myself on that point, too.
God, taking the bus is definitely hell; I won't be there for 30
minutes.
Part2
I couldn't help it but a part of me was mad at him. I decided when he left me that it was over. That's why I didn't answer his emails. I didn't even read them. It hurt too much at the thought of just opening one and reading it. So he came back. Well, I didn't give a shit. But I had to be honest. When he came back, when he tried again to fix the mess I was, I began to stop living as a ghost and began to be me again, began to appreciate being alive again, began to feel alive again. But that didn't change the fact that I was hurt. I was still mad at him and didn't want forget the hurt, to not be hurting like I already was. It wasn't easy because when I was with him I found myself so weak, he was still my Mikey and I couldn't resist him like when I accepted to go to his fucking Comicon. Mikey wanted everything back like before, like he never went away. Well he had to learn that things changed. I remembered going on my way to that Comicon when I saw the sexy cop and I did it. Because I didn't care, be with Mikey or not. Then he had to learn, I moved on. But as always, when suddenly I had to face him, and his anger and everything, I felt bad and Justin was there to remind me he wasn't the only one to love me. Did he really still love me? That's why he wanted things back like before, like he never left? I still loved him and I went to that convention, to find my dearest madman in full mode. He got the message I wanted to teach him. Time passed and things couldn't be back like before. Things couldn't be like before. He was right but with all my heart I remembered him the promise we made, that nothing could tear us apart. Even with changes in our life we were still Michael and Brian and we had to face those changes in our life together not apart because we couldn't be apart, we couldn't let something come between us no matter what it could be. So, this time, it was me who had to go to him like he did with me after his birthday bash. He forgave me that day and I forgave him for leaving me that way.
Mikey impressed me a lot. He realised his dream, bought his comic store and I was so happy. My Mikey for the first time was taking his life by the hands and decided to do something for himself.
Then, a realisation came to me when I was with Justin at that supermarket. There was that hot guy and I understood something: the fact that everybody thought Justin was my boyfriend, including Justin. That was a sort of shock. Justin wasn't by boyfriend. I wasn't settling down for Justin. Shit, everything was taking a turn I didn't want there. And my first message was to fuck that guy, to have to tell him the world; it wasn't what the world thought. I had to pass the message to everybody and of course Justin was truly disappointed. I never promised anything. I didn't do boyfriends. Even Michael came to me to give me his lesson about Justin and the way I acted! Christ, even he was thinking I was with Justin in a boyfriend shit way! I said he had to stay out of it. Justin wasn't my boyfriend. And if in the entire world there was someone who needed to know that, it was Mikey. I didn't count how many times I repeated it to him to be sure it wasn't what he thought since that time. And how funny could life be? At that same time I told him that he was telling me he met a hot professor and I could see on his face that he had a crush. Shit! That was quick. He was back since when? Life sucked.
And I had to bear Debbie's second round! The topic of the month this time was Justin. I had to admit like always she had good point. Too bad she always wrapped her good argument with bullshit stuff. Once again, she didn't have a clue of my feelings for Mikey. So now I had to tell Justin I loved him back, something I never could do to Michael. Like I said, full of bullshit. But the fact was I truly liked the kid and didn't want to lose him, too. With Mikey everything was so complicated, I never knew where I was, where he was, where we were. With Justin, everything could be clear. We made rules. That seemed the good deal. Life is so cruel sometimes. So Justin, who was the one to claim his love to me all the time with all his bullshit, showed me his love by breaking his own rules. That was that his love for me? And after he broke the rules, he expected me to be at his feet. Justin was there to remember that love was bullshit like I believed and I never loved Justin, so I never let him have chance to win something else he already had with me when he broke the rules. I couldn't do what I could do for Mikey; I could forgive Mikey with an endless credit sooner or later, but not Justin.
Oh, I just saw one of my ads on a building. I thought that campaign time was over since a month ago. I have to admit, that ad was fucking good. Well, all my ads are fucking good.
The professor was now in Mikey's life. After the image of the dad with the doc, the image of the comic superhero that the professor could picture with his body and all. He wanted him and he fought for him, made him a challenge. He decided he wanted him, and he fucked the "precious" advice of people who pushed him with the doc months ago. Michael couldn't be influenced like before, that was great to see. I stayed neutral the most I could. Mikey had to assume and make his own decisions and I was the first to want that for him. But I was worried. Dating an HIV+ man could bring so much pain. I trusted Michael to be careful but the emotion department was more dangerous. I didn't want to see Michael's suffering. I told him to not fall in love with him, for his safety. That entire situation about HIV and risk made me think a lot. The one I loved, even if I trusted him was dating death; I had to be sure that the second person I care about was always safe too.
Soon, another deception for my life came to me. Lindsay broke my heart, as I finally tried to open to the others, with the kind support and trust of Michael who said to me it was okay to be human. It was hard to discover that someone I knew as long as Lindsay, someone who I thought knew me, just never knew me like I thought. She loved me for sure, but she loved someone who didn't exist inside me, she loved the image she built in her mind. And finally, I had to admit that the only person who really knew me, the only person who really loved me for what I am was Michael. Michael always have, always will. I had him, only him.
Life is tricky; I just discovered the only one person who loved me for what I am was Michael and guess what? Life was there to remind me that even that love was unsure. Life brought me back my worst nightmare in my face. Michael discovered I fucked the professor and his obsession about the fact I never fucked him came back to the surface and with that all my fears, too. Did Michael love me? Was everything just about sex? Is everything about me and my life about sex? Did this include Michael, too? I was at a point that I needed to know. I asked him, was he was jealous because I slept with him or he slept with me? I wanted to know. I wasn't afraid to ask and I came to my conclusion. If Michael wanted a fuck, then he would have his fuck. And we could move on. I needed to know where we were. I was ready to risk and confront my biggest fear. I could cope with the mess of my emotions after. So, I did it, I was ready to give him that fuck, if it was what he wanted. I kissed him, I groped his crotch, I felt his erection as he began to give in to the kiss. It was weird, full of frustrations from both of us ready to let go. I did feel the lust in me growing as he probably felt the same inside him; I wanted him, there for him, for me it was all about sex, our frustration. And he pushed me away. Because it was wrong. I was breathing heavily. Not sure I wanted to stop there, confused. But I saw his eyes. His own realisation that it wasn't what he wanted not a fuck and full stop. I couldn't be a simple fuck. It was more than a fantasy. He was hurt, confusion melted with anger. And I had the opposite feelings when I recovered from what just happened. I felt at peace. I felt like a winner. I felt proud. I couldn't be a fuck to him and I wanted him to know. I knew his secret identity. Michael loved me, he sure was full of lust for me, but it was based because of the love and not the contrary. I left, with a smile. But I knew I acted like an asshole. I knew when I left him he was deeply upset. When I went to Babylon that night, I was so happy like when I left him. I felt awkward. He was dancing with the professor. It was kind of weird. He was still with the professor. I didn't have time to think, the professor left us and Michael looked at me, like nothing happened at all. I talked about a guy I found hot. I had to say something. I couldn't stay like an idiot standing there. He answered me like nothing really happened. Well, he wasn't mad at me at least. Everything was back as before again, when it could have been different. We danced together. I chose to do like him, and acted like nothing happened. I had my answer and that was enough.
Then, Justin and Michael decided to draw a comic and I felt left out. They had a common point and seemed to develop a perfect new kind of relationship that didn't exist before. Before I was their common point, but not anymore. Mikey appreciated Justin for the first time with an open heart. I felt excluded. In a way, Justin belonged to me. He was someone at my side. Now, Mikey was sort of stealing him from me. I was jealous. Not only for that, I was jealous of the fact Mikey gave him his friendship too in a way he never did. Before, there was a balance. Justin was the one Michael bore because of me and vice and versa. Now they seemed to become friends. I was jealous, because Justin was mine, a possession and jealous because I couldn't accept seeing Mikey give something that belongs to me to Justin. Michael was my best friend. I was just afraid he could prefer Justin's company to me. I was afraid to lose them both for different reasons. But the feeling that invaded me, drove me insane. The jealousy. I acted like a little kid furious and jealous to see his parents sharing a tender hug when they had to be focusing their love for their kid only. I was an idiot. Nothing changed in fact, and their common point was still me. My place in their heart wasn't threatened. Things were still like they used to be.
Then I had my problem with my job, Christ, life just couldn't let me at peace one moment? I was freaked out and Justin showed me again his way to love. He just didn't understand. I had to sacrifice all I built hardly all this year for him, to go to Vermont. Is that his idea of love? Then I came back and he wasn't there. Shit, I was disappointed and pissed. What just the fuck was I for that kid? He was disappointed to find me fucking a guy when he came back from Vermont. What did he expect?
And life must hate me badly because like it wasn't enough, the professor got sick. Michael was lost. He needed me. I was feeling his hurt and I wanted to wash it away so much. Seeing him hurting was unbearable. He was born to be happy, not to cry. But seeing him crying for the professor, I had to admit killed me too. When I came back, Justin had such bad timing with his romantic picnic. I was a mess, I wanted to forget the pain, the pain to see the man I loved hurt, forget to know that the man I loved was crying for someone else. I just wanted to fuck my brains out, wanted forget in perdition of sex, drugs and alcohol, like I always did when I can't bear the reality of my life.
I saw Emmett waking on the street. He had a lot of shopping bags in his hands. Well, he was coping with his depression with shopping. I hope everything will be okay for him soon.
Finally, Justin made his last straw. Ethan. At first I didn't give a shit. It was not like I was in love with Justin and that could hurt me. He was seeing someone else. Fine. Of course that was until Mikey put the finger on the detail. The push button he knew made me react. What about the truth? Shit! Justin was lying to me, playing a game. What about the honesty I always show to him, what about the truth? He was humiliating me, acting like he did. I sure didn't deserve that after all. It was not like I made promises to him; it was not like I said something to him that wasn't true. So why did he feel the way to act like that? I took care to have that game be back to me and be sure to control everything again. You don't fuck with Brian Kinney. So Justin wanted me to say I loved him? Justin wanted something I couldn't give. I told him honestly. After, it was up to him to decide what he wanted for himself. I had enough of Justin's bullshit. As far I could like the kid, sometimes his dreamy bullshit hit my nerves. He had to learn without me, if he what he wanted to. Plus, something was up, the professor wanted to go to Tibet. That was an interesting option. Justin put the blame on Michael. What the fuck? Who broke the rules and cheated on me? Who lied? I told him, Michael was right to tell me. Full stop. I had to admit Michael is untouchable. Nobody had the right to attack him but me if I felt I had a valid reason. Michael is sacred territory.
It was time to remind Justin what was our relationship, what the deal was at the beginning. I asked Lindsay to tell him I was searching for him. When he came to me, I was fucking Rage. I found it funny to be fucking my own representation. Must be my egocentric part. I was smiling like the idiot I'm not at the thought. The only thing was I didn't plan what happened next. He fucking left me with Ethan in front of everybody. Brian Kinney for everybody was just being dumped. Did I really deserve that humiliation? I was honest from the beginning. Why did he do that to me? That little piece of blond boy ass. That hurt.
The bus finally arrived. I looked at the address. I asked someone the directions. I had still to walk for ten minutes before being at my destination. How people can survive that way? Without a car?
tbc