Disclaimer: All of the people in this story belong to J.K. Rowling, except
Moses, Lewis and Kelley, who are figments of my imagination.
AN: OK, I felt really inspired to write this last night, although I'm not sure why....I have so many ideas for "The Polyjuice Masquerade" filling my head that I didn't know there was actually room for MORE ideas. :oD But I suppose this needed said...Thanks to Katie for being ma Beta! :o)
This is a one-shot, silly story: Meaning there is only one chapter. I hope you all enjoy.
Women are (Obviously) the Smarter Gender.
~&~
Why did God make boys so stupid?
I ask myself this question often, I must admit. I go to my classes day to day, observing the ritual ignorance of the boys my age and I wonder, what was He thinking when He made Adam? I guess He just needed a good laugh.
And then, of course, He made Eve; the gentler, fairer, inadequate side of the gender...or so men would have us believe.
Please.
After God made "the joke," He knew He needed to make something worthwhile, something that would actually take care of the Earth, and build a future. Therefore, He took the rib from the man and created the smarter half of the gender, women, and gave her something He did not give the man -- a brain. Now, men would have us think that He created us from their gender, and therefore, we belong to them. How very silly.
See, He created us from the rib for a purpose. The rib, while fragile, takes care of the man's most valuable possession -- his heart. The rib is strong, able to protect the man, who so obviously DOES need protecting. What a laugh that we are supposed to be weak and submissive! Bah! Pray forgive me, my husband, for you were made from dust, and I from your rib, and so that makes me lesser and not worthy of anything unless you give it to me. Isn't that rubbish?
So that brings me back to the subject at hand -- boys are definitely, definitely stupid. And I should know, as I am at the top of my class at school. On top of my studies, my homework, and the leisure time I take out for reading and fun, I observe. Ever watchful are my eyes, following the paths that people take, the decisions they make...it is all very telling. Now, there are a few girls who obviously missed the part in Heaven when God handed out brains, but they are few and far between. Two of my roommates are unlucky enough to be in that bunch, but no matter! They can be taught.
So, you are questioning my theory already, are you? Going to make me prove all this to you? Gladly.
First off, introductions must be made. My name is Hermione Granger, and I am in my seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Not only am I a prefect, but I am also Head Girl, which is lovely. I was born a Muggle and found out I was a witch when I was just eleven years old. It was positively wonderful! I read the course books greedily, drinking in every word! The books here are just terrific, let me tell you and -- oh, I'm sorry! I get carried away when I speak of books. Where were we? Ah, yes.
You need some evidence. Let us make our way to the common room of the Gryffindor Tower, where a herd of these wild, witless creatures are gathering now.
Here we are, in the den of the lions...or griffins, I should say. In the corner, gathered around in a circle, are five of these dimwitted creatures, having a bit of a talk. This should be good. Watch as the tall dark one stalks over toward the fireplace, preying on one of my innocent roommates, better known as Parvati Patil. He eyes her predatorily, making out her scent, before going in for the kill.
"Hello Parvati..er, lovely day, isn't it?"
Great conversationalist, this one.
"Uh, I guess so, Dean. I was too busy applying my new Butterman's Miraculous Nail Polish and examining the color to notice. Want to hold my toes apart as I paint my nails?" she snaps her gum, her wide eyes blinking as she looks up at him in innocence. She holds her foot out for him to look at, wiggling her perfectly painted pink toes in the air.
The dark one's eyes widen as he makes his retreat, slinking back to the rest of his pack. "Uh, no thanks Parvati. I've got to help the guys out, I just remembered. Maybe next time!" See how her face falls, a pout gracing her lips?
The poor girl never saw it coming.
Let us now make our way toward the herd, carefully, as to not draw their attention. Being stupid, they tend to act first, and think later, and more than one girl has been torn apart by these vicious animals in the past. We best approach cautiously...
Ah, this is good. Let's hear what they are talking about, shall we?
"I don't think so, Seamus. That would never work! We have got to grab these guys by the balls and rip them off if we ever hope to win!"
Oh my.
"Listen Creevy, I've got it covered. No need to be talking about ball ripping, now. Just thinking about it makes me sick." The blond Irish one scratches his head, then points to an object on the table, "See here? Slytherin will attack here, and we will be over here, feinting to the left. Their keeper will never see it coming. Meanwhile, Kelley will be over here, and hopefully, if Merlin is with us, we can beat a bludger into Lewis, taking out their main chaser while they aren't looking. It can't fail!"
"I don't like this tactic. How are we supposed to catch Lewis off guard to hit him with the bludger?"
"Moses, you worry too much. Don't you know about our secret weapon?"
"Uh...no?"
"Ginny Weasley! All she has to do is flirt a bit, and we'll be fine. Ya know that Lewis has had a crush on her since fourth year. If Kelley can't get to a bludger, it will have to be you, Dean."
"Ginny isn't exactly a secret, is she? Everyone knows she's on the team." The short, greasy one, known to the others as Moses, is concentrating on the paper lying on the table in front of them. It looks like hard work.
"Yeah Seamus. I think we need Harry and Ron down here for this...not to mention Ginny. Don't suppose she'd appreciate us using her as bait...and I don't suppose Harry would appreciate us trying to take over his place as Captain, neither."
"My dear Dean, I know Harry is captain, but sometimes even the captain needs a little help, eh? We're just doing our duty as his fellow teammates. Hey, back up. Here comes Lavender."
Oo, now we'll get to see the mating rituals of these beasts! Watch as the Irish one tries to attract the attention of the female he fancies by using his cunning wit.
"Lavender, hi! You look...uh...healthy today."
I suppose one would say that didn't go too well.
"Um...thanks Seamus. You look healthy too."
And using a cunning ploy, this member of the elite gender rolls her eyes, communicating to the ape that she is not interested in a vague, yet effective way. As she sits down with her friend on the couch, watch now as the male reacts, trying to save his foolish pride and to let the other males know that he has the upper hand.
"Oh, she wants me bad."
Brilliant tactic, is it not? I must say, I am impressed.
There are some important things women must know when dealing with the lesser gender. The needs in these simple creatures lives are few; food, sex, sleep, sex, air, sex, women, sex, ego-inflating, sports with lots of brutality, and of course, the ever important sex. If you try to have a deep, meaningful conversation with one, be prepared for a lot of grunting, spitting, and looks of confusion. They are not well-versed in the English language, and may not be able to understand what you are saying, so it is best just to feed them a cookie, pat them on the head, and say, "Good boy." Do not forget to give them praise, for if you do not, their egos will deflate, and they will make your life a living hell.
One thing men do seem to be able to grasp is sports. Here at Hogwarts, the male species is heavily interested in the game of Quidditch, a sport where they chase some balls around on tiny broomsticks, aiming to throw a large red ball through one of three hoops. If you know men as well as I do, you should have picked up by now the one major problem with Quidditch; most men have no aim. How do they expect them to get that ball through the hoop? It's hopeless. I suppose that is why Ginny Weasley is the best chaser they have on the team this year! Leave it to a woman to get the job done right.
If I've said it before, I've said it a thousand times; never let your man win in any argument. He will forever think that he is the leader in the relationship, and that you are his slave, and far less intelligent than he. Do not let him fool you! You always wear the pants, and your brain is far superior. If your man starts an argument, you must finish it. Typically, the male will argue for hours on end, never letting the subject drop, repeating the same, stupid comments about Viktor Krum over and over again, calling him dirty nicknames like Vicky and Viktoria, and -- oh dear, terribly sorry. Forget I said that.
Anyway, like I was saying before, more than likely, he just will not let go of your fight, so it is best to tempt him with either food, or sex. Either one will cease his arguments, further impairing him from all thought, although sex tends to work better. An opportunity to see an example of this tactic is being offered to us right now! Let's watch as Ginny Weasley, who has studied the male species almost as much as yours truly, uses this method to win an argument with her boyfriend, and my best friend, Harry Potter.
"No! I don't want you to flirt with Lewis! I forbid it! That wanker wants you in the worst way, and I won't have him drooling all over MY girlfriend like she's some piece of meat!"
"Harry, you're being unreasonable. I'm not going to flirt with Lewis! That was just something Seamus was proposing we could do. I know better than to flirt with that ugly git, but if I wanted to, I would! You cannot forbid me to do anything, and trying to do so will only hurt you in the future."
"I will forbid you if I want to! You're my girl! I want to hurt that bastard for just thinking about you in a dirty way...can you imagine what I would do --"
"Harry, have a cookie, and then let's go to my room and have sex."
"Uh...ok."
"Good boy."
Executed brilliantly. As you can clearly see, men are easy to deal with if you just use a little ingenuity and your very large, very powerful brain --
"Hermione, what are you doing? Why are you sitting under the table and talking to yourself? Are you alright?"
Uh oh. I've been found out! Now, we want to approach this delicately and not scare the idiot into doing anything rash. Gently, I'm going to step out from under this table and face him. Easy now...
"Hermione, are you okay? You've been acting kind of mad since you got hit in the head with that bludger yesterday. Want to go see Madam Pomfrey?"
The red haired male thinks I'm mad. Isn't that funny? He thinks that just because I got hit with that nasty ball, I'm losing my sanity. Well, he's got another thing coming! I'm a woman! I'm smarter! I -- oh, my goodness. He's caressing my face with his large hands...what do I do? Think, Hermione, think...somehow, this man has figured out a way to get to me. It's insubordination! It's unthinkable! Why, he is defying the laws of our nature by being so gentle, and looking at me like he cares, and acting like a normal, human being...but I know better. He's a man. He can't affect ME!
"Hermione, sweetie, I think we should see about your head...your eyes keep focusing in and out. Why are you moving your lips like that?"
Ah ha! He thinks he can fool me! He just wants to get me into bed. Well, this dimwitted animal has got another thing coming. He --
"I love you, baby. Let me take care of you."
He knows the L word. Who taught him that? Doesn't he realize that he is "the joke" that God created, and that I'm a member of the smarter gender? Doesn't he know I'm the rib, and he's the dust? Can't he see I take care of him, protecting him because he can't protect himself? I'm so very confused...could it be possible that I was wrong, and that God really did give men a brain as well?
That's a laugh! I know how men work! All I have to do to get out of this situation is --
"Come on now Hermione, let's go see Madam Pomfrey about the skull covering your big brain, and then we'll get you a cookie and go to bed."
And as he takes my arm, he pats me on the head...
"Good girl."
Oh bother.
~&~
The End
AN: OK, I felt really inspired to write this last night, although I'm not sure why....I have so many ideas for "The Polyjuice Masquerade" filling my head that I didn't know there was actually room for MORE ideas. :oD But I suppose this needed said...Thanks to Katie for being ma Beta! :o)
This is a one-shot, silly story: Meaning there is only one chapter. I hope you all enjoy.
Women are (Obviously) the Smarter Gender.
~&~
Why did God make boys so stupid?
I ask myself this question often, I must admit. I go to my classes day to day, observing the ritual ignorance of the boys my age and I wonder, what was He thinking when He made Adam? I guess He just needed a good laugh.
And then, of course, He made Eve; the gentler, fairer, inadequate side of the gender...or so men would have us believe.
Please.
After God made "the joke," He knew He needed to make something worthwhile, something that would actually take care of the Earth, and build a future. Therefore, He took the rib from the man and created the smarter half of the gender, women, and gave her something He did not give the man -- a brain. Now, men would have us think that He created us from their gender, and therefore, we belong to them. How very silly.
See, He created us from the rib for a purpose. The rib, while fragile, takes care of the man's most valuable possession -- his heart. The rib is strong, able to protect the man, who so obviously DOES need protecting. What a laugh that we are supposed to be weak and submissive! Bah! Pray forgive me, my husband, for you were made from dust, and I from your rib, and so that makes me lesser and not worthy of anything unless you give it to me. Isn't that rubbish?
So that brings me back to the subject at hand -- boys are definitely, definitely stupid. And I should know, as I am at the top of my class at school. On top of my studies, my homework, and the leisure time I take out for reading and fun, I observe. Ever watchful are my eyes, following the paths that people take, the decisions they make...it is all very telling. Now, there are a few girls who obviously missed the part in Heaven when God handed out brains, but they are few and far between. Two of my roommates are unlucky enough to be in that bunch, but no matter! They can be taught.
So, you are questioning my theory already, are you? Going to make me prove all this to you? Gladly.
First off, introductions must be made. My name is Hermione Granger, and I am in my seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Not only am I a prefect, but I am also Head Girl, which is lovely. I was born a Muggle and found out I was a witch when I was just eleven years old. It was positively wonderful! I read the course books greedily, drinking in every word! The books here are just terrific, let me tell you and -- oh, I'm sorry! I get carried away when I speak of books. Where were we? Ah, yes.
You need some evidence. Let us make our way to the common room of the Gryffindor Tower, where a herd of these wild, witless creatures are gathering now.
Here we are, in the den of the lions...or griffins, I should say. In the corner, gathered around in a circle, are five of these dimwitted creatures, having a bit of a talk. This should be good. Watch as the tall dark one stalks over toward the fireplace, preying on one of my innocent roommates, better known as Parvati Patil. He eyes her predatorily, making out her scent, before going in for the kill.
"Hello Parvati..er, lovely day, isn't it?"
Great conversationalist, this one.
"Uh, I guess so, Dean. I was too busy applying my new Butterman's Miraculous Nail Polish and examining the color to notice. Want to hold my toes apart as I paint my nails?" she snaps her gum, her wide eyes blinking as she looks up at him in innocence. She holds her foot out for him to look at, wiggling her perfectly painted pink toes in the air.
The dark one's eyes widen as he makes his retreat, slinking back to the rest of his pack. "Uh, no thanks Parvati. I've got to help the guys out, I just remembered. Maybe next time!" See how her face falls, a pout gracing her lips?
The poor girl never saw it coming.
Let us now make our way toward the herd, carefully, as to not draw their attention. Being stupid, they tend to act first, and think later, and more than one girl has been torn apart by these vicious animals in the past. We best approach cautiously...
Ah, this is good. Let's hear what they are talking about, shall we?
"I don't think so, Seamus. That would never work! We have got to grab these guys by the balls and rip them off if we ever hope to win!"
Oh my.
"Listen Creevy, I've got it covered. No need to be talking about ball ripping, now. Just thinking about it makes me sick." The blond Irish one scratches his head, then points to an object on the table, "See here? Slytherin will attack here, and we will be over here, feinting to the left. Their keeper will never see it coming. Meanwhile, Kelley will be over here, and hopefully, if Merlin is with us, we can beat a bludger into Lewis, taking out their main chaser while they aren't looking. It can't fail!"
"I don't like this tactic. How are we supposed to catch Lewis off guard to hit him with the bludger?"
"Moses, you worry too much. Don't you know about our secret weapon?"
"Uh...no?"
"Ginny Weasley! All she has to do is flirt a bit, and we'll be fine. Ya know that Lewis has had a crush on her since fourth year. If Kelley can't get to a bludger, it will have to be you, Dean."
"Ginny isn't exactly a secret, is she? Everyone knows she's on the team." The short, greasy one, known to the others as Moses, is concentrating on the paper lying on the table in front of them. It looks like hard work.
"Yeah Seamus. I think we need Harry and Ron down here for this...not to mention Ginny. Don't suppose she'd appreciate us using her as bait...and I don't suppose Harry would appreciate us trying to take over his place as Captain, neither."
"My dear Dean, I know Harry is captain, but sometimes even the captain needs a little help, eh? We're just doing our duty as his fellow teammates. Hey, back up. Here comes Lavender."
Oo, now we'll get to see the mating rituals of these beasts! Watch as the Irish one tries to attract the attention of the female he fancies by using his cunning wit.
"Lavender, hi! You look...uh...healthy today."
I suppose one would say that didn't go too well.
"Um...thanks Seamus. You look healthy too."
And using a cunning ploy, this member of the elite gender rolls her eyes, communicating to the ape that she is not interested in a vague, yet effective way. As she sits down with her friend on the couch, watch now as the male reacts, trying to save his foolish pride and to let the other males know that he has the upper hand.
"Oh, she wants me bad."
Brilliant tactic, is it not? I must say, I am impressed.
There are some important things women must know when dealing with the lesser gender. The needs in these simple creatures lives are few; food, sex, sleep, sex, air, sex, women, sex, ego-inflating, sports with lots of brutality, and of course, the ever important sex. If you try to have a deep, meaningful conversation with one, be prepared for a lot of grunting, spitting, and looks of confusion. They are not well-versed in the English language, and may not be able to understand what you are saying, so it is best just to feed them a cookie, pat them on the head, and say, "Good boy." Do not forget to give them praise, for if you do not, their egos will deflate, and they will make your life a living hell.
One thing men do seem to be able to grasp is sports. Here at Hogwarts, the male species is heavily interested in the game of Quidditch, a sport where they chase some balls around on tiny broomsticks, aiming to throw a large red ball through one of three hoops. If you know men as well as I do, you should have picked up by now the one major problem with Quidditch; most men have no aim. How do they expect them to get that ball through the hoop? It's hopeless. I suppose that is why Ginny Weasley is the best chaser they have on the team this year! Leave it to a woman to get the job done right.
If I've said it before, I've said it a thousand times; never let your man win in any argument. He will forever think that he is the leader in the relationship, and that you are his slave, and far less intelligent than he. Do not let him fool you! You always wear the pants, and your brain is far superior. If your man starts an argument, you must finish it. Typically, the male will argue for hours on end, never letting the subject drop, repeating the same, stupid comments about Viktor Krum over and over again, calling him dirty nicknames like Vicky and Viktoria, and -- oh dear, terribly sorry. Forget I said that.
Anyway, like I was saying before, more than likely, he just will not let go of your fight, so it is best to tempt him with either food, or sex. Either one will cease his arguments, further impairing him from all thought, although sex tends to work better. An opportunity to see an example of this tactic is being offered to us right now! Let's watch as Ginny Weasley, who has studied the male species almost as much as yours truly, uses this method to win an argument with her boyfriend, and my best friend, Harry Potter.
"No! I don't want you to flirt with Lewis! I forbid it! That wanker wants you in the worst way, and I won't have him drooling all over MY girlfriend like she's some piece of meat!"
"Harry, you're being unreasonable. I'm not going to flirt with Lewis! That was just something Seamus was proposing we could do. I know better than to flirt with that ugly git, but if I wanted to, I would! You cannot forbid me to do anything, and trying to do so will only hurt you in the future."
"I will forbid you if I want to! You're my girl! I want to hurt that bastard for just thinking about you in a dirty way...can you imagine what I would do --"
"Harry, have a cookie, and then let's go to my room and have sex."
"Uh...ok."
"Good boy."
Executed brilliantly. As you can clearly see, men are easy to deal with if you just use a little ingenuity and your very large, very powerful brain --
"Hermione, what are you doing? Why are you sitting under the table and talking to yourself? Are you alright?"
Uh oh. I've been found out! Now, we want to approach this delicately and not scare the idiot into doing anything rash. Gently, I'm going to step out from under this table and face him. Easy now...
"Hermione, are you okay? You've been acting kind of mad since you got hit in the head with that bludger yesterday. Want to go see Madam Pomfrey?"
The red haired male thinks I'm mad. Isn't that funny? He thinks that just because I got hit with that nasty ball, I'm losing my sanity. Well, he's got another thing coming! I'm a woman! I'm smarter! I -- oh, my goodness. He's caressing my face with his large hands...what do I do? Think, Hermione, think...somehow, this man has figured out a way to get to me. It's insubordination! It's unthinkable! Why, he is defying the laws of our nature by being so gentle, and looking at me like he cares, and acting like a normal, human being...but I know better. He's a man. He can't affect ME!
"Hermione, sweetie, I think we should see about your head...your eyes keep focusing in and out. Why are you moving your lips like that?"
Ah ha! He thinks he can fool me! He just wants to get me into bed. Well, this dimwitted animal has got another thing coming. He --
"I love you, baby. Let me take care of you."
He knows the L word. Who taught him that? Doesn't he realize that he is "the joke" that God created, and that I'm a member of the smarter gender? Doesn't he know I'm the rib, and he's the dust? Can't he see I take care of him, protecting him because he can't protect himself? I'm so very confused...could it be possible that I was wrong, and that God really did give men a brain as well?
That's a laugh! I know how men work! All I have to do to get out of this situation is --
"Come on now Hermione, let's go see Madam Pomfrey about the skull covering your big brain, and then we'll get you a cookie and go to bed."
And as he takes my arm, he pats me on the head...
"Good girl."
Oh bother.
~&~
The End