Seek and Go Hide
part twenty-three

Jack and Doug sat on the floor in the hallway outside of Jen's apartment. Inside the party continued without them. The two men looked at each other. Doug shifted uncomfortably under Jack's direct gaze.

Jack began, "So..."

"So..." agreed Doug.

The silence hung in the air between them. Jack couldn't help it he chuckled softly. He tried again, "So, this thing between us..."

"Yeah," sighed Doug. He didn't say anything else.

"It's getting kind of " Jack waited to see if Doug would say something. He didn't. Jack continued, "It's complicated and silly and painful and exhausting. And correct me if I'm wrong, but both of us are miserable right?"

When Doug still didn't say anything, Jack got upset. "Seriously man, can't you say something?"

Finally Doug spoke; his voice was thick with emotion. "I don't know what you want me to say Jack. You know I have feelings for you. Feelings so powerful they blow me away. Feelings that literally make me feel like...make me want to be a different person. I'm vulnerable, and excited and scared. I'm more alive than I've ever been. And these are feelings that I want to explore. With you Jack. To be close to you. To let you be close to me. I long for that. But I'm just not ready to have everyone know my personal business. And that's what you want right? For me to be loud and proud. For me to wear my heart and sex life on my sleeve for the whole world to see. And I can't. I can't do it. It's not who I am. I'm a very private person. And..." Doug cleared his throat and wiped angrily at his moist eyes willing himself not to cry. "And none of this is news to either of us. So what am I supposed to say Jack? Should I beg you to see things my way? Should I pretend to be what you want and take what I can get in the moments before you realize that I'm just telling you what you want to hear? Should I lie and say this doesn't hurt me? What should I say Jack? What will make this all ok?"

Doug looked at Jack with frantic, searching eyes. This time, it was Jack who remained silent. "That's what I thought," finished Doug.

They sat wordlessly for a few moments. Jack knew Doug was right. There was nothing either of them could say that would change the situation but he also knew there was more to it than that. They had to figure out a way to deal with this with something other than avoidance. And the simple fact of the matter was hearing Doug say that he longed to be close to him had weakened Jack's resolve. He wondered, not for the first time, if he could possibly deal with a secret relationship if it meant being able to be with Doug. Part of him really wanted to do just that – to fall into this thing with Doug no matter what it took – principles be damned. But the part of him that had worked so hard to be upfront and honest with the world rebelled. The part of him that had been mocked and scorned for who he was, the part that had stood up anyway wouldn't let him do it. Being out wasn't just a principle – it was who he was. He sighed dejectedly.

"So?" asked Doug sarcastically.

"Yeah...so," agreed Jack. He drained the beer he had forgotten he held in his hand and said, "The thing is Doug, you're one of my best friends and as much as it sucks that things are...the way they are...well I hate the idea of us not hanging out. We used to have fun remember? Before...everything..."

"Got complicated," finished Doug with a wry smile. "Yeah, I remember. Maybe we could ...still be friends?" Doug didn't sound too confident.

"I dunno. Isn't that what everyone always says?"

"Do they? I've never said it to anyone before." Doug's voice held just a hint of sarcasm.

"Count yourself lucky. 'Let's still be friends' is usually a terrible omen in any relationship." Jack paused briefly, "But still... if we just took it off the table...it might take some pressure off. As long as we both agree..."

"Less pressure is good. I mean if we're being honest about where things stand...it could be ok." Doug felt his spirits rise; he had been so sure this conversation was going to be the end of things between them. But something was better than nothing as far as he was concerned.

Jack nodded, "After all, no matter what happens or doesn't happen between us, we've still gotta work together." When he saw Doug's puzzled expression, he clarified, "The Safe Harbor program?"

"Right. Right, Safe Harbor. That's going to keep us really busy. The kids need us. Plus we're both registered to run the Daleman Fairfest Marathon this summer. We're planning on training together right?"

"Yeah. Plus there's Pacey and the Ice House – we'll end up running into each other there all the time. I don't want that to be all weird."

"Very true."

"It seems to me we don't really have much choice -- we have to be friends. I mean, we are friends but we have to keep being friends. We've just got too much in common and too much stuff to do."

Doug nodded enthusiastically, "I agree. So we take romance or the potential for romance or whatever off the table and just...be friends. We can do that."

"We have to," laughed Jack uneasily.

"Right, we have to," agreed Doug.

The two friends looked at each other and smiled and then laughed. After a minute, silence descended again. They both sighed and then laughed again.

"Still it might be awkward sometimes," said Jack.

"I can handle awkward. It's been plenty awkward lately anyway," replied Doug.

"I'm just saying..."

"I know. So should we head back in there?" Doug gestured to Jen's apartment with his head.

"Dude, we're locked out," Jack reminded him.

Doug stood up and brushed off his pants. He smiled down at Jack and said, "Oh, I've got the keys." He held his hand out to Jack who accepted it with no hesitation.

As Doug pulled him to his feet Jack said, "If you had the keys the whole time, why have we been hanging out out here?"

Doug shrugged and pulled the keys out of his pocket, "Seemed as good a time as any for us to talk. Plus I had to get away from all that pie in there! I'm so full!"

Jack laughed ruefully and grabbed the keys from Doug. "You're very close to being an evil mastermind you know that Doug?" He began undoing the locks on the door.

"I think evil is overstating things a bit. I prefer mischievous."

"Keep telling yourself that Doug," teased Jack.

He had unlocked the door and had just opened it few inches when Doug spoke again. "Jack?" His voice was soft and serious. Jack turned to face him.

"This decision...it's good and all but it's just...for now? I mean, things change. People change." Doug took a deep breath and continued. "Maybe someday?"

Jack's breath caught in his throat, "People do change Doug. But I can't promise anything. I mean...maybe but maybe not. Maybe we'll always be friends and that's it. Maybe we'll have missed our chance."

"But maybe?" pressed Doug as he stared intently at Jack.

Jack felt a shiver run up his spine and he nodded, "Maybe."

---

We can't play this game anymore, but
Can we still be friends?
Things just can't go on like before, but
Can we still be friends?

We had something to learn
Now it's time for the wheel to turn
Things are said one by one
Before you know it's all gone

Let's admit we made a mistake, but
Can we still be friends?
Heartbreak's never easy to take, but
Can we still be friends?

It's a strange sad affair
Sometimes seems like we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together

La la la la, la la la la
Can we still be friends?
Can we still get together sometime?

We awoke from our dream
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet sad old song

-- Can We Still be Friends
- By Todd Rundgren