Disclaimer:  Duh…

AN:  Sorry about the long wait on this next chapter.  I love doing these little things.  They're a great way to work out creativity blocks too.  Not to mention that they don't take even half the time a 'normal' story chapter would.

WARNING:  IF YOU ARE COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH EVERYONE BEING TOTALLY IN-CHARACTER OR LACK A SENSE OF HUMOR THEN DO NOT READ FURTHER.  If you want to know what caused this little warning, read the review by 'Lord of Whatever, Just Shoot Me'.

In Enclosed Spaces With Vampires:  Part III

"I don't know if this is better or worst than last time…"

"At least you're fully clothed this time."

"God knows you got me in enough trouble over that."

"Think if they could see us now."

"This has got to be the month from hell.  Remind me again why we can't get out." 

"This thing is controlled by hydraulics.  And the control is outside and we are inside."

"Can you move at all?"

"Why? Ah!  Stop squirming Master."

"Because we…I can't…"

"Can't bring yourself to say it?"

"This position is far too intimate."

"Really?  I don't mind…"

"I bet you don't you bloody pervert, now move!"

"How the hell do you expect me to move?  This wasn't exactly made to be a two seater."

"I don't care how just-"

*WHAM*

"OW!  Geez, you get good leg leverage like that don't you?"

"I didn't see a blood packet, that means you've eaten right?"

"Master, are you wearing perfume?"

"What?  No.  Now stop changing the subject."

"I swear it smells like it.  I wonder what it is?"

"Answer me!"

"Sorry, what?"

"I'm going to hang your head on a flag pole when I get out of here."

"Just don't punch me like you did last time.  You broke my jaw in three places."

"Well your laughing wasn't helping me persuade the Knights that we weren't doing anything.  I did what came naturally."

"Abuse me?"

"Exactly."

"Just because I'm immortal doesn't mean that it doesn't sting when I heal some things."

"If it makes you feel better, my knuckles are still bruised."

"Really?  Lemme see."

"Now who's trying to hold whose hand?"

"Oh just give it here."

"No.  Can't you just take my word for it?"

"You're just sore because you can barely see in here, and that you're not on top.  Now stop moving you're hand away, I just want to see the bruise…"

"AH HA!  I saw that!"

"Saw what?"

"What just happened!  That convenient little portal that started to open when your hand touched the side."

"Master, you're starting to become delusional maybe you should just-"

"You're doing this on purpose."

"Whatever are you talking about Master?"

"THIS!  These wonderful little predicaments that you seem to delight in getting us into."

"Ah."

"That wasn't a denial."

"No, no it wasn't."

"SO YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME!!!"

"Ow, it echoes in here too."

"YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF ANY OF THOSE SITUATIONS YOU SONOFA-"

………

"Don't ever do that again."

"Ooh, I don't think I've ever heard you use that tone before.  Say something else."

"If you EVER propose to-"

"You're wearing flavored chap stick.  That's what I smell."

"Alucard, so help me GOD-"

"What is that, fruit punch?  No, no, that's a drink…"

"That's it."

"M-Master?"

"MOVE!"

*BANG*

"OW!  Ah, MASTER WAI-"

*WHACK*

"JUST ROLL THAT WAY-"

*CRACK*

"AH!!  STOP!  Knee-in-my…SPLEEN!"

"Serves you right."

"You're on top, are you happy now?"

"No.  I'm getting out, NOW!"

"With all that noise, someone is bound to come over here.  And see us like this."

"Good, then I can get out and away from you."

"Why are you so upset?"

"Why?  WHY?!"

"Yes, why?  I didn't think you'd mind that much."

"Oh yes Alucard, every girl fancies her first kiss stolen by a walking corpse!"

"That was your first kiss?"

"YES!  Alucard you've known me since I was thirteen, when have I had time to do something as frivolous as snogging with boys?"*

"Well, you've got some catching up to do, don't you?"

"DON'T YOU DARE-"

*KA-LICK*

*BOOM*

Seras warily approached her master's coffin, from which a loud gunshot had just emitted.  She sidestepped her way over to the control for the lid, her eyes never leaving the black casket.  The main control matching hers, Seras didn't even have to look down to know which button to press for the lid to rise.  The low whirl of the moving hydraulics filled the room and the former policewoman watched, almost not wanting to know what was going on.  She felt her jaw drop as she saw a dark figure sit up suddenly and toss a head-full of long platinum hair.

"Thank God."  Integra sighed as she ran a gloved hand through her bangs.

"S-SIR INTEGRA?!?!?!?" Seras managed to stutter into a yell, and then she noticed the gun in Integra's other hand.  "W-what are you doing in Master's coffin?"

"This stupid-" She was abruptly interrupted as the figure beneath her suddenly started to flail its arms and legs, effectively knocking Integra down against his chest.

"POLICEWOM-no, er, SERAS HELP!  SHE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!!"

"Wha-"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?!?!?!"  Sir Hellsing roared at the vampire beneath her.  Alucard grinned maniacally at her; Seras couldn't see him as he was still lying down in the coffin.

"PLEASE SERAS!!  DON'T LET HER TAKE MY INNOCENCE!!!!"

A look of fury so pure and engulfing came over Sir Integra with such a force that Seras bolted quickly out of the room and slammed the door shut.  Back in her cambers down the hall, she tried to best to ignore what could only be sounds of pain and torture coming from her Master's chambers for the next three hours.

AN:  HEHEHE, haaa, I have absolutely no idea where that came from.  But it was funny.

I'M RUNNIN OUT OF PLACES TO ENTRAP THEM, SUGGESTIONS ARE NEEDED AND WELCOME!!!  I would like to keep them in the manor if at all possible.

Um thanks for reading and I'll hopefully have the next one up soon!! PLEASE REVIEW!!!!

*Snogging – British term for making out with someone.