The Hyrulean Phantom's Opera
By: Nne
I thought this would be a fun parody to do. You don't have to picture a deformed face-just think of Ganon in a partial mask. I don't know how he'll hit the long notes, tho.practice, King of Evil!
I'm still trying to persuade Mr. Webber to let me buy the rights to the Phantom, but as of yet, the Phantom of the Opera, the music, the lyrics, the dust on the stage, the names, the plot, tapes, the income, the costumes, and any other wonderfully out-of-my-reach item of this play is strictly MR. ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S.
This fanfiction is a parody of Zelda and The Phantom of the Opera. Just in case you didn't know that already.
This parody will be written out in a similar way to the original cast recording, with some mess-ups and fights here and there. I don't need to be charged with plagiarism. Just in case you didn't know that, either.
THE CAST:
Ganon will be playing the role of THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. Thank you.
Link will be playing the role of RAOUL.
Zelda will be playing the role of CHRISTINE DAAE.
Malon will be playing the role of MEG GIRY.
The head carpenter that yells constantly will be playing the role of MONSIEUR ANDRE.
One of the carpenters will be playing the role of MONSIEUR FIRMIN.
The fat lady in Kakariko Village will be playing the role of CARLOTTA GIUDICELLI.
Anju will be playing the role of MADAME GIRY.
Talon will be playing the role of UBALDO PIANGI.
The man who always asks for your "C" items will be playing the role of the AUCTIONEER.
When more people come into play, and I finally recognize their voices, I'll make sure to put them on the cast.
The director of this version of The Phantom of the Opera is MR. ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER.
??????
*The entire cast is in a huge new opera house built specially for the occasion of the performance of the Phantom of the Opera. Since there is no opera house in Hyrule, you'll have to imagine that we're not performing this in Hyrule. It is the first day of rehearsal.*
MR. WEBBER: *standing on the stage in front of the cast* I thank you all for enthusiastically participating in this extremely complicated play. You've made it through trial, error, pain, suffering, disappointment, and heartache to get to where you are now.
HEAD CARPENTER: AAARRRRGGGG! Worthless apprentices!
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* Yes, well, congratulations, time to move on. As you already know your positions-
GANON: Yeah, I play the reject guy. *rolls his eyes*
MR. WEBBER: *raises an eyebrow* The Phantom? You, talented sir, are playing the most important role in the entire Opera!
LINK: My name sounds stupid. Raoul. Roole. Rolls.
ZELDA: I just don't want to be bothered with autographs. My name is too long.
ANJU: *sighs*
MR. WEBBER: What's your problem?
ANJU: Kafei.
MR. WEBBER: *glares* Does anyone ELSE have any problems? Do you all want to go home and stop bothering me? I didn't come all the way here to listen to you people whine all day. Are you gonna do this or not?
ALL CAST: *humbled* Yes, sir.
MR. WEBBER: Good. We have three months to get this play memorized and perfect. I will not tolerate absences, complaints, breaks, excuses, or any less than your best effort. Do I make myself PERFECTLY clear on this?
ALL CAST: Yes, sir.
MR. WEBBER: Then let's get started. I want everybody who's in before the Overture to skim over their lines as you get into position. Everyone else, try to start recognizing yours. Note that while you're on stage I will call you by what character you are playing. Raoul, in this part, you're seventy years old, so act like it. Auctioneer, stop beating the floor and stand next to the music box!
AUCTIONEER: *stands up and walks over to music box* Give me something with C, with C.
MR. WEBBER: Let's give this a try. Okay, Raoul, start by picking up the music box and reading your lines.
LINK: *picks up the music box* .Will you still play, when all the rest of us are dead?
MR. WEBBER: Remember, you're seventy years old. Think old.
AUCTIONEER: Do I have five franks?
MR. WEBBER: Not yet, auctioneer. Wait until Raoul gets his lines straight.
ZELDA: When do I come in?
MR. WEBBER: Not yet!
LINK: *in old person voice* Will you still play when all the rest of us are dead?
MR. WEBBER: Good! Continue. AUCTIONEER: *reading his lines* Lot 666, then.a chan.sh-an-de-leer in pieces. Some of you may recall the strange events of the Phantom of the Opera, a mystery never fully explained. Our workshops have restored it, and have fitted it with wiring for the new electric light, so that we may see what it would have looked like.
ZELDA: *whispering to Link* Look, I get to kiss you.
LINK: *turns white*
AUCTIONEER: *continuing* Perhaps a little lighting will scare away the ghost from so long ago. Gentlemen.
MR. WEBBER: Fine, fine, that was a nice try for the first time. At that time the overture will begin, so all of you must be ready to start Act One. Let's practice this.
GANON: What? Do I laugh or something?
MR. WEBBER: Just read your lines. Everyone behind the curtain. I'll play a recording of the overture. When it ends, I want everyone who participates in the "Dress Rehearsal of Hannibal" to be in their places, because that is when the curtain will rise.
FAT LADY: Is I in this?
MR. WEBBER: Yes, Carlotta. You're singing "Think of Me". Try to sing it melodramatic.
FAT LADY: I do so. *runs behind curtain with the rest of the cast*
MR. WEBBER: *turns on the tape recorder* Listen! *tape plays Phantom's theme song*
GANON: *thinking he's on* Bwa ha ha haaaah haa!! Down once more to my-
ZELDA: *claps her hand over his mouth* Shhh!! Not yet!
*The overture ends and the curtain lifts, revealing Carlotta, Firmin, Andre, Giry, and the Ballet Chorus, all in position. Link is arguing with Zelda.*
LINK: No, you're supposed to love me, and he loves you!
ZELDA: He loves me? No way! He's supposed to try to kill me!
MR. WEBBER: *clears throat loudly* Are you two done yet?
*They nod.*
MR. WEBBER: Then get off my stage.
ZELDA: Oh, no! I want to stay in the play! I'll work hard, honestly! We won't fight any more!
MR. WEBBER: Then prove it. Raoul, you're not up yet. Get up to the balcony.
LINK: *runs off*
MR. WEBBER: This is going to be painful.*shakes his head* All right, everyone, in your places.
????????
A little while later.
MR. WEBBER: Begin!
FAT LADY: Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said good-bye
Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try
MR. WEBBER: Now, Meg, I want you to scream as loud as you can in this next line that Carlotta sings.
MALON: Scream?
MR. WEBBER: Yes. Is that a problem?
MALON: Not really. Why do I have to?
MR. WEBBER: *glares* Just do it.
MALON: AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
BALLET CHORUS: He's here, the Phantom of the Opera.
GANON: *runs onstage* I am? I don't see it in my lines.
MR. WEBBER: Oh God.start over from the beginning.
LINK: We would be farther along if Ganon knew what he was doing.
GANON: Are you blaming this on me? You were the one who started fighting in the first place.
ZELDA: What does that have to do with anything?
FAT LADY: I sing now?
AUCTIONEER: Please sell me something with C, with C.
MR. WEBBER: *looks at the bickering cast* Why did I end up with this bunch? *shakes his head* Maybe we should start with the songs.
ALL CAST: Huh?
MR. WEBBER: Look, we don't have any time for delays. We've got a measly three months to get this play down straight and this isn't helping at all. You told me you wanted to pull through, and it isn't happening.
LINK: I'll do it. I'll represent my funny-named character in the best way possible.
GANON: Rejects rule!
ALL CAST: YEAH!!
MR. WEBBER: Then let's begin at the beginning!
AUCTIONEER: Lot 666, then-a chandelier in pieces.
???????? FAT LADY: Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye
Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try
We never said our love was evergreen, or as-
MALON: AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!
BALLET CHOROUS: He's here, the Phantom of the Opera
He's with us, he's the ghost, he's here!
The Phantom of the Opera.
MR. WEBBER: Very good. Now I need a little more terror in the scream, Meg. You sound like you're a frightened schoolgirl.
MALON: Yes, sir.
MR. WEBBER: Carlotta, you need to roll your "Rs" more.
FAT LADY: I do so!
MR. WEBBER: Now, in this next scene, Carlotta gets infuriated and rushes off the stage, so Christine had to take over. Try not to think too much about the way you're singing-just the way it sounds.
HEAD CARPENTER: Now what are we going to do?
MALON: Christine Daae can sing it for you, sir.
CARPENTER: The chorus girl?
ANJU: Let her sing it for you, sir. She has been well taught.
*The piano starts playing.*
ZELDA: *in a much softer voice than Carlotta's* Think of me, think of me fondly when we say good-bye
Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try
LINK: *thinking while Zelda's singing* Do I go on now? When is the transaction made?
ZELDA: *at the middle of the song* .from my mind-
MR. WEBBER: Okay, that's enough. It seems you have a while to go before you hit the right notes, Christine, but don't give up. Let's listen to the Phantom for a while. "The Music of the Night", Phantom, page 102.
GANON: *flips through his script* Wow. This is one long song.
MR. WEBBER: Are you ready?
GANON: Let's get it over with.
MR. WEBBER: I hope you know how to play the organ.
GANON: Thank goodness it's not the piano. When do I start?
MR. WEBBER: Whenever you're ready. GANON: *clears his throat* *starts singing in a very professional voice*
Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation.
Darkness stirs, and wakes imagination,
Silently the senses abandon their defenses.
LINK: Wow. That's pretty good.
ZELDA: Oh, please.
GANON: Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it,
Tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night.
MR. WEBBER: A little more enthusiastic this time!
GANON: Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!
Purge your thoughts of the world you knew before!
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!
And you'll live as you've never lived before.
Softly, deftly, music shall surround you
Feel it, hear it,
Closing in around you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night.
Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world,
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
Let your soul take you where you long to be!!
Only then can you belong to me.
MALON: *crying* This is.so beautiful.just like my mother.
LINK: Your mother sang like a guy?
MR. WEBBER: Shhh!!
GANON: Huh? You want me to stop?
MR. WEBBER: Yes, that's enough for now. You've proven your worth, just let your voice flow a little better when you sing the long notes.
FAT LADY: I sing now?
MR. WEBBER: No, not now. Later.
FAT LADY: Oh.
ZELDA: Can I practice my voice some more?
LINK: No, I think I should work on my persuasive marriage tone.
MR. WEBBER: No, we're all working on how to sing properly now. Some of you are talented singers, but you all could use a little brushing up. Line up in front of the organ.
*The cast, with much confusion, lines up in front of the organ.*
MR. WEBBER: Try to match your voice with the scales I'm going to play. *plays a D*
*Ganon, Link, Zelda, Anju, the head carpenter, and the fat lady sing the D correctly. Malon sings the first note to Epona's song, the carpenter puts an A sound in front of the D, and the begging guy sings "C"*
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* Want to try that again? *plays another D*
*The results are the same as before, except Malon sings the second note to Epona's song.*
MR. WEBBER: No, Meg, sing a D. Not B.
MALON: *sings C*
MR. WEBBER: *exasperated* D!!
MALON: *sings D* There. Sorry, my voice is acting funny.
MR. WEBBER: Never mind. Carpenter-not "A-D", just D.
CARPENTER: .du.di.D.
MR. WEBBER: I'm afraid to ask.
AUCTIONEER: *curls into a ball* Please give me something with *sings* C, with C!
MR. WEBBER: Can't you pretend that we'll give you something with D?
AUCTIONEER: *thinks for a while* Please.give me something with.D.with D?
MR. WEBBER: Yes.
AUCTIONEER: Fine.
MR. WEBBER: Going up the scale then. Try to keep the pace.
*He plays E, F, G, A, B, C, D, and E as the cast sings each note he plays. They repeat this five times.*
MR. WEBBER: .And D! Very well done!
*All cast members and panting and sweating.*
MR. WEBBER: Get used to this! You'll be doing this for three months straight! Now, how long can you hold each note? Ready on D.
*Cast looks terrified.*
LINK: We have to hold each note.without breathing?!
MR. WEBBER: Yes. ZELDA: I can't take that kind of stress!
MR. WEBBER: Too bad. Ready? I want a nice clean note out of every single one of you-do not try to take even the smallest breath, or else I'll have you singing for days on end. Go! *plays and holds a D on the organ.*
*The cast takes a quick collective breath and sings the D for about thirty seconds. They are all showing signs of strain.*
MR. WEBBER: Good! Now, an E!
*They sing several scales, thirty seconds per note, three times.*
MR. WEBBER: Last note!
*Ganon, Link, Zelda and the fat lady are the only ones standing. The others have collapsed.*
ZELDA: *turns cherry-red, then white* AAAaaaaaaaauuuuuu.ung! *falls on her face*
GANON: *still holding his note, looks down at Zelda with interest*
MR. WEBBER: *swings around to face them* *looks at the cast members on the floor* What? This isn't supposed to be a sleepover! Get up, all of you! I want to hear this entire thing again, and this time, no fainting! Do I make myself clear?
*The cast nods miserably.*
MR. WEBBER: You'll get used to the work in time-but you'll never get used to it if you don't work! Ready? D!!
*The cast sings the D for twenty seconds. They sing the scales again, but only twice.*
MR. WEBBER: All right, that was much better.
LINK: Yeah, Malon.
MALON: Hey, I've been singing all my life, pretty boy. I was just overwhelmed.
ZELDA: Yeah right.
MR. WEBBER: We still have a few hours of practice left, so let's pick up the play from where we left off. Phantom, you still need to finish the song, and remember the notes you've just learned. Start when you're ready. The rest of you, be ready to pick up at "Angel of Music".
GANON: *sings in a much more professional voice* Floating, fallling,
Sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me,
Savor each sensation!
ZELDA: *flipping through her script* Is he talking to me in this song?
GANON: Let the dream begin
Let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night
*waits until the music is past its climax*
You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night.
LINK: Show-off.
MR. WEBBER: Now that we have that out of the way, those of you who are in "Angel of Music" find your places and get this started.
*Ganon, Zelda, Link, Malon, and Anju take their places on the stage.*
MR. WEBBER: Christine, you've just finished "Think of Me" at the performance of "Hannibal", so Phantom, start us into it.
GANON: *from somewhere offstage* .Now?
MR. WEBBER: Yes, now.
GANON: *flips through his script* .Finished Think of Me, my line is right after.
MR. WEBBER: *annoyed* Bravi.
GANON: What?
MR. WEBBER: Your first word is bravi.
GANON: *finds his line* Oh! Here we go, then. Bravi, bravi, bravissimi!
MALON: *talking to Zelda* Where in the world have you been hiding?
Really, you were perfect!
I only wish I knew your secret.
Who is the new tutor?
ZELDA: *holding the script an arm's length away from her eyes* Father once spoke of an angel
I used to dream he'd appear.
Now as I sing I can sense him
And I know he's here!
Here in this room he calls me softly
Somewhere inside, hiding.
Somehow I know he's always with me
Secret and strange angel!
MALON: Christine, you must have been dreaming
Stories like this can't come true.
Christine you're talking in riddles
And it's not like you!!
ZELDA: *throws the script down* Are you calling me crazy?!
MALON: *about to sing her line* Wh.No, I'm not calling you crazy!
ZELDA: I'm just reading my lines!! There's nothing wrong with that ! If I say I sense the Phantom then I sense the Phantom because it's written in incredibly small font on this script I hold in my hand!!
GANON: *hears the word "Phantom" from Zelda* Flattering child, so- MR. WEBBER: *who has been watching in disbelief* Wait, Phantom, not your time yet. Christine, Meg was just reading her lines. She only knows about the Phantom of the Opera, not a music teacher with a dark secret. That's why she thought you were dreaming.
ZELDA: Oh.
MR. WEBBER: Let's begin again at Meg's line-"Christine you must have been dreaming."
MALON: *flips back a page on her script* Christine you must have been dreaming!
Stories like this don't come true.
Christine you're talking in riddles
And its not like you!!
ZELDA: Angel of music
Guide and guardian
Grant to me your glory!!!
LINK: Do I go on now? Do I go on when she gets pulled into the Phantom's mirror?
MR. WEBBER: Read the script.
LINK: Of course.
ZELDA: Angel of music!
Hide no longer!
GANON: *behind the mirror* Which note do I start off on.which note. Oh!
Flattering child you shall know me
See why in shadows I hide
Look at your face in the mirror
I am there insi-ow! *He hits his head on the mirror and crashes through the glass.*
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* How could he do that? How could anyone do that?
LINK: *about fifty pages ahead of everyone else* Anywhere you go let me go to!!
MR. WEBBER: No! *sighs* Let's get this mess cleaned up.
ZELDA: Who? Ganon or the glass?
MR. WEBBER: *glares* Both.
??????
Thirty minutes later.
GANON: *sits in a chair with a band-aid above his eye* Why can't we pretend there's glass in the mirror and just put some shiny thing in the frame?
MALON: Not everybody falls through huge, expensive mirrors, Phantom.
GANON: I hit my head!
LINK: We need a mirror. It's the main form of transportation for the Phantom, besides the boat. GANON: I have to become a sailor now? Great.
AUCTIONEER: I can build another one if you give me something with D, with D.
LINK: It's C.
AUCTIONEER: But Mr. Webber said it was D, was D.
LINK: It's.never mind. Even if we did give you something, what would you build the mirror out of?
AUCTIONEER: .Something with C. With D?
LINK: I'm sorry I asked.
MR. WEBBER: *coming in from the back room* Good news! I found another mirror with a wider frame back there. We can use that one as the main mirror and the broken one for the Phantom's quick getaway scenes.
GANON: Whew.
MR. WEBBER: But you're still paying for the damages, Phantom.
GANON: Curse you.
MR. WEBBER: What?
GANON: I said bean curd. How much do I have to pay?
MR. WEBBER: Three hundred dollars.
GANON: Dollars? Can you translate that into rupees?
MR. WEBBER: Rupees?
GANON: Hyrulean currency.
ZELDA: I'll do it. *gets out a large calculator and starts punching buttons* Divided by.multiply this.add.square root of.a-ha! Got it! You have to pay 3 rupees, Ganon.
GANON: *smirks* Oh, no, how awful.
LINK: Let me see that, Zelda. *looks at the data* You forgot to include the six zeros after the three.
ZELDA: But I thought the zeros didn't have any value.
LINK: That only happens when the zeros are in front of the number. Ganon, you have to pay three million rupees.
GANON: Curse you!
ZELDA: Whoooee, that's more than Hyrule's national debt. Good luck.
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* Well, then, let's move on.
LINK: To what? Haven't we done enough for one day?
MR. WEBBER: We're done when I decide we're done. I want to end the first day on a good note, so let's do a couple of scales and a song. Line up in front of the organ.
*The cast, with much confusion, lines up in front of the organ.*
MR. WEBBER: Try to keep up with me. *plays a D*
*The entire cast sings the D.*
MR. WEBBER: Keep going.
*They sing the D scale through two times.*
MR. WEBBER: Very good!
FAT LADY: I sing now?
MR. WEBBER: Soon. You'll be singing with the rest of the cast.
FAT LADY: What song to sing?
MR. WEBBER: We'll end with "Angel of Music".
ZELDA: Will I be starting it off?
MR. WEBBER: No, Meg will. Begin!
MALON: *in an exhausted voice* Where in the world have you been hiding?
Really.you were perfect!
I only wish.I knew your secret
Who is this new tutor?
LINK: Uh-oh.
ZELDA: Father once spoke of an angel.
MR. WEBBER: Raoul, join her in singing this part.
*Link and Zelda start the duet. Link falls behind.*
LINK: Uh.I used to.dream he'd.dissolve.uh, appear.
Now as I sing I can fe-sense him
And I know he's he-ne-here!
ZELDA: You messed this entire thing up! Now I sound like a beginning singer!
MR. WEBBER: You are an amateur singer.
LINK: And it's not my fault if I don't remember your song!
GANON: You can look at the script, you know.
LINK: Who asked you?
AUCTIONEER: I'll build you something with C. With D?
MALON: I'm about to drop. Can we sleep now?
MR. WEBBER: I'll decide that for myself. You don't deserve to rest yet.
*The cast looks at him.*
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* Fine. *grabs his coat* I want to see every single one of you up and ready by 4 A.M. tomorrow, is that clear?
ZELDA: Four?! That's way too early! I'll need much more time than that if I want to-
MR. WEBBER: *glares* By four. *turns to walk out* I'll be here by 3:30 A.M.
GANON: What do we do now?
MR. WEBBER: *points to the door next to the stage* Your beds are in there. There's a bathroom in the loft and next to your rooms. Good-night. *walks out*
MALON: I'm lonely.
ZELDA: I'm cold.
LINK: I'll go turn on the heater.
GANON: Are you crazy? It's 100 degrees in here!
HEAD CARPENTER: AAARRRRGGGG!! Lazy apprentices!
LINK: Congratulations. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed.
ZELDA: I'm in the bathroom first!
FAT LADY: I sleep on top bunk!
MALON: Not above me.
ANJU: I'm sure there's enough beds for everyone. *opens the door* Oh.
*Their bedroom consists of a single bunk bed, a fold-out cot, and a reclining chair.*
FAT LADY: See? I sleep on top bunk!
GANON: *sighs* Anybody have a titanium shield?
LINK: I guess I'll take the chair.
ZELDA: I guess Anju and I can share the cot.
AUCTIONEER: I can build you a bed with D, with C.
CARPENTER: Where will I sleep?
LINK: There's supposed to be blankets in the storage room. I'll go get those for you and you can sleep on the floor. *walks out* MALON: Great. Looks like I'm in with her.*jerks thumb at the fat lady*
FAT LADY: I sleep on top!
MALON: Yeah, yeah. Just don't roll over and suffocate me.
GANON: *edging into the bottom bunk* I have more to worry about than you do.
*The bunk bed creaks loudly.*
GANON: That's it, I'm not sleeping in this room.
FAT LADY: No, you not be silly! We all have sleep! *pushes Ganon back on the bed as she climbs up the ladder* I bid you night!
MALON: *wincing every time the bed creaks* What have I gotten myself into? *climbs up after her*
GANON: *watching the bunk above him* I haven't even had time to write my will.
ZELDA: Oh, please. Even if you did have a will, who would take your smelly stuff?
LINK: *coming back in covered with dust* Sorry, carpenters, but I couldn't find any blankets. I did find some sheets, though!
HEAD CAPRENTER: A blanket is the same thing as a sheet. *grabs it from Link*
ANJU: Actually, a sheet is considerably thinner than a blanket.
HEAD CARPENTER: Whatever you say, poppet.
AUCTIONEER: Do I get to sleep with C, with D?
ALL CAST: *blinks*
ZELDA: That's it, I'm going to bed.
ANJU: Ditto.
GANON: *keeps his eyes glued to the top bunk* Please don't fall. Please don't fall.
MALON: Keep it down!
FAT LADY: Top bunk I'm in!
LINK: *sits in the chair* I can feel every spring in this cheap piece of furniture. *puts his head back* Ow! Was that a nail?!
ZELDA: Shhh!!!
*Gradually the cast falls asleep. Only Ganon remains awake.*
GANON: What do I have to worry about? I have the power of the gods!
*The bunk shifts.*
GANON: Well, I used to. But what am I scared about anyway? I can withstand any element in this theater!
*The bunk jerks.*
GANON: Except fat women.Ganon, get a hold of yourself! You are the King of Evil! You struck terror into the hearts of every person in Hyrule for seven years! *smiles* Yeah! Feel the reassurance flow! *closes his eyes and lies flat on his back* I'm going to sleep. *he begins to laugh*
*As Ganon keeps laughing, the bunk begins to sway. Ganon does not notice this. He continues laughing softly as he falls asleep, and the bunk above him slides forward on the posts holding it up.*
*Crash.*
AUCTIONEER: *watching the splinters fly everywhere* With C, with D?
Thus ends the first day of rehearsals.
By: Nne
I thought this would be a fun parody to do. You don't have to picture a deformed face-just think of Ganon in a partial mask. I don't know how he'll hit the long notes, tho.practice, King of Evil!
I'm still trying to persuade Mr. Webber to let me buy the rights to the Phantom, but as of yet, the Phantom of the Opera, the music, the lyrics, the dust on the stage, the names, the plot, tapes, the income, the costumes, and any other wonderfully out-of-my-reach item of this play is strictly MR. ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S.
This fanfiction is a parody of Zelda and The Phantom of the Opera. Just in case you didn't know that already.
This parody will be written out in a similar way to the original cast recording, with some mess-ups and fights here and there. I don't need to be charged with plagiarism. Just in case you didn't know that, either.
THE CAST:
Ganon will be playing the role of THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. Thank you.
Link will be playing the role of RAOUL.
Zelda will be playing the role of CHRISTINE DAAE.
Malon will be playing the role of MEG GIRY.
The head carpenter that yells constantly will be playing the role of MONSIEUR ANDRE.
One of the carpenters will be playing the role of MONSIEUR FIRMIN.
The fat lady in Kakariko Village will be playing the role of CARLOTTA GIUDICELLI.
Anju will be playing the role of MADAME GIRY.
Talon will be playing the role of UBALDO PIANGI.
The man who always asks for your "C" items will be playing the role of the AUCTIONEER.
When more people come into play, and I finally recognize their voices, I'll make sure to put them on the cast.
The director of this version of The Phantom of the Opera is MR. ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER.
??????
*The entire cast is in a huge new opera house built specially for the occasion of the performance of the Phantom of the Opera. Since there is no opera house in Hyrule, you'll have to imagine that we're not performing this in Hyrule. It is the first day of rehearsal.*
MR. WEBBER: *standing on the stage in front of the cast* I thank you all for enthusiastically participating in this extremely complicated play. You've made it through trial, error, pain, suffering, disappointment, and heartache to get to where you are now.
HEAD CARPENTER: AAARRRRGGGG! Worthless apprentices!
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* Yes, well, congratulations, time to move on. As you already know your positions-
GANON: Yeah, I play the reject guy. *rolls his eyes*
MR. WEBBER: *raises an eyebrow* The Phantom? You, talented sir, are playing the most important role in the entire Opera!
LINK: My name sounds stupid. Raoul. Roole. Rolls.
ZELDA: I just don't want to be bothered with autographs. My name is too long.
ANJU: *sighs*
MR. WEBBER: What's your problem?
ANJU: Kafei.
MR. WEBBER: *glares* Does anyone ELSE have any problems? Do you all want to go home and stop bothering me? I didn't come all the way here to listen to you people whine all day. Are you gonna do this or not?
ALL CAST: *humbled* Yes, sir.
MR. WEBBER: Good. We have three months to get this play memorized and perfect. I will not tolerate absences, complaints, breaks, excuses, or any less than your best effort. Do I make myself PERFECTLY clear on this?
ALL CAST: Yes, sir.
MR. WEBBER: Then let's get started. I want everybody who's in before the Overture to skim over their lines as you get into position. Everyone else, try to start recognizing yours. Note that while you're on stage I will call you by what character you are playing. Raoul, in this part, you're seventy years old, so act like it. Auctioneer, stop beating the floor and stand next to the music box!
AUCTIONEER: *stands up and walks over to music box* Give me something with C, with C.
MR. WEBBER: Let's give this a try. Okay, Raoul, start by picking up the music box and reading your lines.
LINK: *picks up the music box* .Will you still play, when all the rest of us are dead?
MR. WEBBER: Remember, you're seventy years old. Think old.
AUCTIONEER: Do I have five franks?
MR. WEBBER: Not yet, auctioneer. Wait until Raoul gets his lines straight.
ZELDA: When do I come in?
MR. WEBBER: Not yet!
LINK: *in old person voice* Will you still play when all the rest of us are dead?
MR. WEBBER: Good! Continue. AUCTIONEER: *reading his lines* Lot 666, then.a chan.sh-an-de-leer in pieces. Some of you may recall the strange events of the Phantom of the Opera, a mystery never fully explained. Our workshops have restored it, and have fitted it with wiring for the new electric light, so that we may see what it would have looked like.
ZELDA: *whispering to Link* Look, I get to kiss you.
LINK: *turns white*
AUCTIONEER: *continuing* Perhaps a little lighting will scare away the ghost from so long ago. Gentlemen.
MR. WEBBER: Fine, fine, that was a nice try for the first time. At that time the overture will begin, so all of you must be ready to start Act One. Let's practice this.
GANON: What? Do I laugh or something?
MR. WEBBER: Just read your lines. Everyone behind the curtain. I'll play a recording of the overture. When it ends, I want everyone who participates in the "Dress Rehearsal of Hannibal" to be in their places, because that is when the curtain will rise.
FAT LADY: Is I in this?
MR. WEBBER: Yes, Carlotta. You're singing "Think of Me". Try to sing it melodramatic.
FAT LADY: I do so. *runs behind curtain with the rest of the cast*
MR. WEBBER: *turns on the tape recorder* Listen! *tape plays Phantom's theme song*
GANON: *thinking he's on* Bwa ha ha haaaah haa!! Down once more to my-
ZELDA: *claps her hand over his mouth* Shhh!! Not yet!
*The overture ends and the curtain lifts, revealing Carlotta, Firmin, Andre, Giry, and the Ballet Chorus, all in position. Link is arguing with Zelda.*
LINK: No, you're supposed to love me, and he loves you!
ZELDA: He loves me? No way! He's supposed to try to kill me!
MR. WEBBER: *clears throat loudly* Are you two done yet?
*They nod.*
MR. WEBBER: Then get off my stage.
ZELDA: Oh, no! I want to stay in the play! I'll work hard, honestly! We won't fight any more!
MR. WEBBER: Then prove it. Raoul, you're not up yet. Get up to the balcony.
LINK: *runs off*
MR. WEBBER: This is going to be painful.*shakes his head* All right, everyone, in your places.
????????
A little while later.
MR. WEBBER: Begin!
FAT LADY: Think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said good-bye
Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try
MR. WEBBER: Now, Meg, I want you to scream as loud as you can in this next line that Carlotta sings.
MALON: Scream?
MR. WEBBER: Yes. Is that a problem?
MALON: Not really. Why do I have to?
MR. WEBBER: *glares* Just do it.
MALON: AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
BALLET CHORUS: He's here, the Phantom of the Opera.
GANON: *runs onstage* I am? I don't see it in my lines.
MR. WEBBER: Oh God.start over from the beginning.
LINK: We would be farther along if Ganon knew what he was doing.
GANON: Are you blaming this on me? You were the one who started fighting in the first place.
ZELDA: What does that have to do with anything?
FAT LADY: I sing now?
AUCTIONEER: Please sell me something with C, with C.
MR. WEBBER: *looks at the bickering cast* Why did I end up with this bunch? *shakes his head* Maybe we should start with the songs.
ALL CAST: Huh?
MR. WEBBER: Look, we don't have any time for delays. We've got a measly three months to get this play down straight and this isn't helping at all. You told me you wanted to pull through, and it isn't happening.
LINK: I'll do it. I'll represent my funny-named character in the best way possible.
GANON: Rejects rule!
ALL CAST: YEAH!!
MR. WEBBER: Then let's begin at the beginning!
AUCTIONEER: Lot 666, then-a chandelier in pieces.
???????? FAT LADY: Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye
Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try
We never said our love was evergreen, or as-
MALON: AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!
BALLET CHOROUS: He's here, the Phantom of the Opera
He's with us, he's the ghost, he's here!
The Phantom of the Opera.
MR. WEBBER: Very good. Now I need a little more terror in the scream, Meg. You sound like you're a frightened schoolgirl.
MALON: Yes, sir.
MR. WEBBER: Carlotta, you need to roll your "Rs" more.
FAT LADY: I do so!
MR. WEBBER: Now, in this next scene, Carlotta gets infuriated and rushes off the stage, so Christine had to take over. Try not to think too much about the way you're singing-just the way it sounds.
HEAD CARPENTER: Now what are we going to do?
MALON: Christine Daae can sing it for you, sir.
CARPENTER: The chorus girl?
ANJU: Let her sing it for you, sir. She has been well taught.
*The piano starts playing.*
ZELDA: *in a much softer voice than Carlotta's* Think of me, think of me fondly when we say good-bye
Remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try
LINK: *thinking while Zelda's singing* Do I go on now? When is the transaction made?
ZELDA: *at the middle of the song* .from my mind-
MR. WEBBER: Okay, that's enough. It seems you have a while to go before you hit the right notes, Christine, but don't give up. Let's listen to the Phantom for a while. "The Music of the Night", Phantom, page 102.
GANON: *flips through his script* Wow. This is one long song.
MR. WEBBER: Are you ready?
GANON: Let's get it over with.
MR. WEBBER: I hope you know how to play the organ.
GANON: Thank goodness it's not the piano. When do I start?
MR. WEBBER: Whenever you're ready. GANON: *clears his throat* *starts singing in a very professional voice*
Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation.
Darkness stirs, and wakes imagination,
Silently the senses abandon their defenses.
LINK: Wow. That's pretty good.
ZELDA: Oh, please.
GANON: Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it,
Tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night.
MR. WEBBER: A little more enthusiastic this time!
GANON: Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!
Purge your thoughts of the world you knew before!
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!
And you'll live as you've never lived before.
Softly, deftly, music shall surround you
Feel it, hear it,
Closing in around you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night.
Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world,
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
Let your soul take you where you long to be!!
Only then can you belong to me.
MALON: *crying* This is.so beautiful.just like my mother.
LINK: Your mother sang like a guy?
MR. WEBBER: Shhh!!
GANON: Huh? You want me to stop?
MR. WEBBER: Yes, that's enough for now. You've proven your worth, just let your voice flow a little better when you sing the long notes.
FAT LADY: I sing now?
MR. WEBBER: No, not now. Later.
FAT LADY: Oh.
ZELDA: Can I practice my voice some more?
LINK: No, I think I should work on my persuasive marriage tone.
MR. WEBBER: No, we're all working on how to sing properly now. Some of you are talented singers, but you all could use a little brushing up. Line up in front of the organ.
*The cast, with much confusion, lines up in front of the organ.*
MR. WEBBER: Try to match your voice with the scales I'm going to play. *plays a D*
*Ganon, Link, Zelda, Anju, the head carpenter, and the fat lady sing the D correctly. Malon sings the first note to Epona's song, the carpenter puts an A sound in front of the D, and the begging guy sings "C"*
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* Want to try that again? *plays another D*
*The results are the same as before, except Malon sings the second note to Epona's song.*
MR. WEBBER: No, Meg, sing a D. Not B.
MALON: *sings C*
MR. WEBBER: *exasperated* D!!
MALON: *sings D* There. Sorry, my voice is acting funny.
MR. WEBBER: Never mind. Carpenter-not "A-D", just D.
CARPENTER: .du.di.D.
MR. WEBBER: I'm afraid to ask.
AUCTIONEER: *curls into a ball* Please give me something with *sings* C, with C!
MR. WEBBER: Can't you pretend that we'll give you something with D?
AUCTIONEER: *thinks for a while* Please.give me something with.D.with D?
MR. WEBBER: Yes.
AUCTIONEER: Fine.
MR. WEBBER: Going up the scale then. Try to keep the pace.
*He plays E, F, G, A, B, C, D, and E as the cast sings each note he plays. They repeat this five times.*
MR. WEBBER: .And D! Very well done!
*All cast members and panting and sweating.*
MR. WEBBER: Get used to this! You'll be doing this for three months straight! Now, how long can you hold each note? Ready on D.
*Cast looks terrified.*
LINK: We have to hold each note.without breathing?!
MR. WEBBER: Yes. ZELDA: I can't take that kind of stress!
MR. WEBBER: Too bad. Ready? I want a nice clean note out of every single one of you-do not try to take even the smallest breath, or else I'll have you singing for days on end. Go! *plays and holds a D on the organ.*
*The cast takes a quick collective breath and sings the D for about thirty seconds. They are all showing signs of strain.*
MR. WEBBER: Good! Now, an E!
*They sing several scales, thirty seconds per note, three times.*
MR. WEBBER: Last note!
*Ganon, Link, Zelda and the fat lady are the only ones standing. The others have collapsed.*
ZELDA: *turns cherry-red, then white* AAAaaaaaaaauuuuuu.ung! *falls on her face*
GANON: *still holding his note, looks down at Zelda with interest*
MR. WEBBER: *swings around to face them* *looks at the cast members on the floor* What? This isn't supposed to be a sleepover! Get up, all of you! I want to hear this entire thing again, and this time, no fainting! Do I make myself clear?
*The cast nods miserably.*
MR. WEBBER: You'll get used to the work in time-but you'll never get used to it if you don't work! Ready? D!!
*The cast sings the D for twenty seconds. They sing the scales again, but only twice.*
MR. WEBBER: All right, that was much better.
LINK: Yeah, Malon.
MALON: Hey, I've been singing all my life, pretty boy. I was just overwhelmed.
ZELDA: Yeah right.
MR. WEBBER: We still have a few hours of practice left, so let's pick up the play from where we left off. Phantom, you still need to finish the song, and remember the notes you've just learned. Start when you're ready. The rest of you, be ready to pick up at "Angel of Music".
GANON: *sings in a much more professional voice* Floating, fallling,
Sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me,
Savor each sensation!
ZELDA: *flipping through her script* Is he talking to me in this song?
GANON: Let the dream begin
Let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night
*waits until the music is past its climax*
You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night.
LINK: Show-off.
MR. WEBBER: Now that we have that out of the way, those of you who are in "Angel of Music" find your places and get this started.
*Ganon, Zelda, Link, Malon, and Anju take their places on the stage.*
MR. WEBBER: Christine, you've just finished "Think of Me" at the performance of "Hannibal", so Phantom, start us into it.
GANON: *from somewhere offstage* .Now?
MR. WEBBER: Yes, now.
GANON: *flips through his script* .Finished Think of Me, my line is right after.
MR. WEBBER: *annoyed* Bravi.
GANON: What?
MR. WEBBER: Your first word is bravi.
GANON: *finds his line* Oh! Here we go, then. Bravi, bravi, bravissimi!
MALON: *talking to Zelda* Where in the world have you been hiding?
Really, you were perfect!
I only wish I knew your secret.
Who is the new tutor?
ZELDA: *holding the script an arm's length away from her eyes* Father once spoke of an angel
I used to dream he'd appear.
Now as I sing I can sense him
And I know he's here!
Here in this room he calls me softly
Somewhere inside, hiding.
Somehow I know he's always with me
Secret and strange angel!
MALON: Christine, you must have been dreaming
Stories like this can't come true.
Christine you're talking in riddles
And it's not like you!!
ZELDA: *throws the script down* Are you calling me crazy?!
MALON: *about to sing her line* Wh.No, I'm not calling you crazy!
ZELDA: I'm just reading my lines!! There's nothing wrong with that ! If I say I sense the Phantom then I sense the Phantom because it's written in incredibly small font on this script I hold in my hand!!
GANON: *hears the word "Phantom" from Zelda* Flattering child, so- MR. WEBBER: *who has been watching in disbelief* Wait, Phantom, not your time yet. Christine, Meg was just reading her lines. She only knows about the Phantom of the Opera, not a music teacher with a dark secret. That's why she thought you were dreaming.
ZELDA: Oh.
MR. WEBBER: Let's begin again at Meg's line-"Christine you must have been dreaming."
MALON: *flips back a page on her script* Christine you must have been dreaming!
Stories like this don't come true.
Christine you're talking in riddles
And its not like you!!
ZELDA: Angel of music
Guide and guardian
Grant to me your glory!!!
LINK: Do I go on now? Do I go on when she gets pulled into the Phantom's mirror?
MR. WEBBER: Read the script.
LINK: Of course.
ZELDA: Angel of music!
Hide no longer!
GANON: *behind the mirror* Which note do I start off on.which note. Oh!
Flattering child you shall know me
See why in shadows I hide
Look at your face in the mirror
I am there insi-ow! *He hits his head on the mirror and crashes through the glass.*
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* How could he do that? How could anyone do that?
LINK: *about fifty pages ahead of everyone else* Anywhere you go let me go to!!
MR. WEBBER: No! *sighs* Let's get this mess cleaned up.
ZELDA: Who? Ganon or the glass?
MR. WEBBER: *glares* Both.
??????
Thirty minutes later.
GANON: *sits in a chair with a band-aid above his eye* Why can't we pretend there's glass in the mirror and just put some shiny thing in the frame?
MALON: Not everybody falls through huge, expensive mirrors, Phantom.
GANON: I hit my head!
LINK: We need a mirror. It's the main form of transportation for the Phantom, besides the boat. GANON: I have to become a sailor now? Great.
AUCTIONEER: I can build another one if you give me something with D, with D.
LINK: It's C.
AUCTIONEER: But Mr. Webber said it was D, was D.
LINK: It's.never mind. Even if we did give you something, what would you build the mirror out of?
AUCTIONEER: .Something with C. With D?
LINK: I'm sorry I asked.
MR. WEBBER: *coming in from the back room* Good news! I found another mirror with a wider frame back there. We can use that one as the main mirror and the broken one for the Phantom's quick getaway scenes.
GANON: Whew.
MR. WEBBER: But you're still paying for the damages, Phantom.
GANON: Curse you.
MR. WEBBER: What?
GANON: I said bean curd. How much do I have to pay?
MR. WEBBER: Three hundred dollars.
GANON: Dollars? Can you translate that into rupees?
MR. WEBBER: Rupees?
GANON: Hyrulean currency.
ZELDA: I'll do it. *gets out a large calculator and starts punching buttons* Divided by.multiply this.add.square root of.a-ha! Got it! You have to pay 3 rupees, Ganon.
GANON: *smirks* Oh, no, how awful.
LINK: Let me see that, Zelda. *looks at the data* You forgot to include the six zeros after the three.
ZELDA: But I thought the zeros didn't have any value.
LINK: That only happens when the zeros are in front of the number. Ganon, you have to pay three million rupees.
GANON: Curse you!
ZELDA: Whoooee, that's more than Hyrule's national debt. Good luck.
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* Well, then, let's move on.
LINK: To what? Haven't we done enough for one day?
MR. WEBBER: We're done when I decide we're done. I want to end the first day on a good note, so let's do a couple of scales and a song. Line up in front of the organ.
*The cast, with much confusion, lines up in front of the organ.*
MR. WEBBER: Try to keep up with me. *plays a D*
*The entire cast sings the D.*
MR. WEBBER: Keep going.
*They sing the D scale through two times.*
MR. WEBBER: Very good!
FAT LADY: I sing now?
MR. WEBBER: Soon. You'll be singing with the rest of the cast.
FAT LADY: What song to sing?
MR. WEBBER: We'll end with "Angel of Music".
ZELDA: Will I be starting it off?
MR. WEBBER: No, Meg will. Begin!
MALON: *in an exhausted voice* Where in the world have you been hiding?
Really.you were perfect!
I only wish.I knew your secret
Who is this new tutor?
LINK: Uh-oh.
ZELDA: Father once spoke of an angel.
MR. WEBBER: Raoul, join her in singing this part.
*Link and Zelda start the duet. Link falls behind.*
LINK: Uh.I used to.dream he'd.dissolve.uh, appear.
Now as I sing I can fe-sense him
And I know he's he-ne-here!
ZELDA: You messed this entire thing up! Now I sound like a beginning singer!
MR. WEBBER: You are an amateur singer.
LINK: And it's not my fault if I don't remember your song!
GANON: You can look at the script, you know.
LINK: Who asked you?
AUCTIONEER: I'll build you something with C. With D?
MALON: I'm about to drop. Can we sleep now?
MR. WEBBER: I'll decide that for myself. You don't deserve to rest yet.
*The cast looks at him.*
MR. WEBBER: *blinks* Fine. *grabs his coat* I want to see every single one of you up and ready by 4 A.M. tomorrow, is that clear?
ZELDA: Four?! That's way too early! I'll need much more time than that if I want to-
MR. WEBBER: *glares* By four. *turns to walk out* I'll be here by 3:30 A.M.
GANON: What do we do now?
MR. WEBBER: *points to the door next to the stage* Your beds are in there. There's a bathroom in the loft and next to your rooms. Good-night. *walks out*
MALON: I'm lonely.
ZELDA: I'm cold.
LINK: I'll go turn on the heater.
GANON: Are you crazy? It's 100 degrees in here!
HEAD CARPENTER: AAARRRRGGGG!! Lazy apprentices!
LINK: Congratulations. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed.
ZELDA: I'm in the bathroom first!
FAT LADY: I sleep on top bunk!
MALON: Not above me.
ANJU: I'm sure there's enough beds for everyone. *opens the door* Oh.
*Their bedroom consists of a single bunk bed, a fold-out cot, and a reclining chair.*
FAT LADY: See? I sleep on top bunk!
GANON: *sighs* Anybody have a titanium shield?
LINK: I guess I'll take the chair.
ZELDA: I guess Anju and I can share the cot.
AUCTIONEER: I can build you a bed with D, with C.
CARPENTER: Where will I sleep?
LINK: There's supposed to be blankets in the storage room. I'll go get those for you and you can sleep on the floor. *walks out* MALON: Great. Looks like I'm in with her.*jerks thumb at the fat lady*
FAT LADY: I sleep on top!
MALON: Yeah, yeah. Just don't roll over and suffocate me.
GANON: *edging into the bottom bunk* I have more to worry about than you do.
*The bunk bed creaks loudly.*
GANON: That's it, I'm not sleeping in this room.
FAT LADY: No, you not be silly! We all have sleep! *pushes Ganon back on the bed as she climbs up the ladder* I bid you night!
MALON: *wincing every time the bed creaks* What have I gotten myself into? *climbs up after her*
GANON: *watching the bunk above him* I haven't even had time to write my will.
ZELDA: Oh, please. Even if you did have a will, who would take your smelly stuff?
LINK: *coming back in covered with dust* Sorry, carpenters, but I couldn't find any blankets. I did find some sheets, though!
HEAD CAPRENTER: A blanket is the same thing as a sheet. *grabs it from Link*
ANJU: Actually, a sheet is considerably thinner than a blanket.
HEAD CARPENTER: Whatever you say, poppet.
AUCTIONEER: Do I get to sleep with C, with D?
ALL CAST: *blinks*
ZELDA: That's it, I'm going to bed.
ANJU: Ditto.
GANON: *keeps his eyes glued to the top bunk* Please don't fall. Please don't fall.
MALON: Keep it down!
FAT LADY: Top bunk I'm in!
LINK: *sits in the chair* I can feel every spring in this cheap piece of furniture. *puts his head back* Ow! Was that a nail?!
ZELDA: Shhh!!!
*Gradually the cast falls asleep. Only Ganon remains awake.*
GANON: What do I have to worry about? I have the power of the gods!
*The bunk shifts.*
GANON: Well, I used to. But what am I scared about anyway? I can withstand any element in this theater!
*The bunk jerks.*
GANON: Except fat women.Ganon, get a hold of yourself! You are the King of Evil! You struck terror into the hearts of every person in Hyrule for seven years! *smiles* Yeah! Feel the reassurance flow! *closes his eyes and lies flat on his back* I'm going to sleep. *he begins to laugh*
*As Ganon keeps laughing, the bunk begins to sway. Ganon does not notice this. He continues laughing softly as he falls asleep, and the bunk above him slides forward on the posts holding it up.*
*Crash.*
AUCTIONEER: *watching the splinters fly everywhere* With C, with D?
Thus ends the first day of rehearsals.