Disclaimer: This all belongs to BBC. I just play. Sometimes.
Authors Notes: I was put under pain of death to post this up here. It's been hiding on my webpage for the better part of two years. I didn't think relationship type fic was embraced over here, but I've been asked and here it is.
**
"Rabbits."
The swear was met with an eye roll and a masculine sigh. Tegan Jovanka leaned against the cool metal wall, holding a cream colored coat. She was wearing a black leather skirt and a bright red, white and black very short sleeved shirt. Her black high heels added almost three inches to her height. She frowned, almost comically, and it added a new depth to her striking appearance. The owner of the coat, then clad only in a white sweater with red piping and red, black and yellow pants and an open neck shirt, was kneeling in front of a metallic door.
Tegan continued her complaint. "Come on, Doctor, can't you jimmy that door? It's getting cold in here."
"It will, Tegan. This is a refrigerator of sorts. And no.I cannot just "jimmy" the door. It is a four dimensional lock.height, depth, length and time.and even with my sonic screwdriver.I would still be hard pressed to open this door."
"Time? That should be easy for you, Doc. You Time Lords create the laws of time, just create a new one."
The Doctor stopped his examination and stood quickly. He snatched back his coat with a frown on his face and narrowed his eyes at his young companion. "Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. You should know better by now. I can't just create a new law of time."
"You break them often enough," she shot back, crossing her arms over her chest.
He opened his mouth but stopped before he could answer her. He shook his head. "Tegan.if we do not find a way out of here, you winning this argument will have no meaning."
She followed him across the small space. "What I want to know is how we got in here. I mean, couldn't you tell what that.thing was thinking?"
"It was a Trilope and no, I couldn't tell what it was thinking, Tegan. I'm not a god."
"You act like it sometimes." Tegan muttered.
The Doctor sighed and looked at the ceiling. "Do be quiet.and let me think."
**
She moved her legs to the side as her friend collapsed next to her. His coat was across her bare legs. She blearily glanced at him. "We'll die in here, you know."
The Doctor leaned his head back against the wall. "Where there is life, there is hope, Tegan. Have some faith." He sighed and adjusted the coat so that her legs were completely covered. "But I would cover up."
Tegan sighed. She was tired and she was hungry and she was cold. "Let me guess, it is going to get much colder and you have no food."
"It is times like this I wish I still carried my jelly babies," he complained back. He smiled over at her. "Someone will get us, Tegan.the captain knows we are here. I would hazard a guess that by morning, he will have us out."
She rolled her head to the side and stared at the side of her friend's face. "There is something you know that you are not telling me.something bad."
"Why on earth would you think that, Tegan?" the Doctor asked, resting his shoulders fully against the wall.
"I know you.been with you quite a few years and I wasn't born yesterday."
"Ah.well.there are one or two things?" he answered, nodded, swallowing hard.
"Like?" she pressed.
"Like this room works like a conventional Terran refrigerator." he said and left the rest of the sentence hanging in the air.
Tegan thought for a second. She had been locked in her home fridge for a few minutes when she was a child and remembered one thing that still made her shake: the sound of air being removed, the sound of an air tight seal.
"The air might run out."
The Doctor nodded slowly. "Yes, Tegan. It is air tight and our air reserves might run out. I'm sorry."
"Just great!" she grumbled and closed her eyes.
**
The Doctor glanced down at Tegan. She was silent, leaning into his chest, his coat wrapped around her shoulders. He wondered if she was asleep. But quietly, through the golden half light of the freezer room, he heard: "Doctor?"
"Yes, Tegan," he answered back, just a quietly. They had been subdued for the last two hours, only talking when necessary. The air supply was still sufficient.
"Do you really think they will find us?"
"Of course," he said, with a touch of bravedo that he did not entirely feel.
"And if they don't?"
"Brave heart, of course they will find us." He squeezed her shoulder. "Are you warmer?"
"A little, thanks," she said, her voice thick. She breathed deeply for a few moments and then continued. "How do you think Turlough is doing?"
"On Frontios? Probably enjoying his time with Norna."
"Wish I were there."
"So do I. I don't fancy being a frozen entrée."
He closed his eyes and leaned his head back into the icy wall behind him. Tegan's barely clad legs were curled into his thighs. His legs were stretched out.
"You have a respiratory bypass system, don't you?"
The Doctor opened his eyes and looked down at the top of his friend's head. Her voice was quieted, muffled against his sweater. She glanced up at him. "I mean that means you can exist without breathing, right?"
He nodded slowly.
"So that means if the air runs out.you can live."
The Doctor frowned. Tegan was right. "For a short time, yes. Maybe an hour. or less.I don't know, I've never really tried to test it to the maximum."
"And you would regenerate?"
"Possibly.Tegan.why are you asking me these questions?" The Doctor asked, tucking his chin into his chest. He waited until Tegan met his eyes. "We will get out of here."
"But you would make it out of here no matter what." she continued, meeting his eyes. She had been thinking recently, during her travels with him, what would happen if something ill became of her. Would her family know of her fate? The Doctor was known to her grandfather now. Would he tell them of her outcome? She suddenly felt the need to ask him. "And if you do.and I.well.if I."
The Doctor sighed and glanced at the ceiling. "Tegan."
"This is important, Doc.I've been thinking about this. I mean.what would happen if I die when I am traveling with you."
"That is not going to happen," the Doctor growled out.
"It happened before. It happened to Adric," she pointed out, realistically and bluntly.
"I won't let it happen again if I have anything to say about it, Tegan. Believe that." His voice was deep, slightly hoarse. She knew she had hurt him by bringing up Adric, but it was necessary.
"Look.all I am saying, Doc, is that I want to ask what you would do with my.body.if when whatever happens."
"That's morbid." He complained.
"Would you take me back home? Would you tell my family? They know you now."
"Tegan."
"Would you do it if I ask you as a friend?"
"Stop."
Tegan edged away from his chest and glared at him. "Face it, Doc.I'm just a human. Not some mutable Time Lord, like you are. I will die well before you would."
He opened his mouth, but closed it as he saw not anger, not pain, but an earnest inquiry. "Tegan.if it would happen.do you honestly want me to tell your family?"
She nodded. "Grandfather."
"Vernon? I see," he said, nodding slowly.
"Do you?" she asked, quietly almost scoffing and leaned her head back against his chest. "Sometimes, Doctor, I don't think you understand anything I say."
He sighed and rolled his eyes, half in joking, half in affection. "I'm sorry. Maybe it's the accent."
"And don't think I have forgotten that little tiff with the Gravis.walk's not quite right and the accent indeed." Tegan answered, harshly.
"Get back to the topic, Tegan."
"The topic is that I want you to tell my family if I die, Doctor. And I want to ask you to do it as my friend." She pressed. "I want your word as a Time Lord."
She closed her eyes as she felt him take a deep inhale and heard him sigh. Finally, faintly, she heard: "My word as a Time Lord, Tegan.I'll tell your family." For some reason, she thought she had forced a hard promise from him.
They were silent for a time, resting against each other, drawing what warmth they could from the one another. "I'd do the same for you," she said quietly.
He jumped, almost startled and shook his head. "There would be no reason, Tegan. I would regenerate."
"Always logic with you."
"You expect something else? I though you knew me by now."
"I was just telling you I would honor you."
He held up a hand, nodding. "I know, Tegan.I know..what you meant and the mindset in which you gave it. I do appreciate it."
She yawned and rubbed her cheek into his chest. He rubbed his chin on the top of her head. They had not talked for a while. But Tegan was one that talked when she was scared or upset, the silence could not last. "I'm scared, Doctor."
"I know."
"Can we do something to take my mind off of this?" she asked, quietly, with an edge.
He was silent as if he was thinking the proposition over. "What did you have in mind, Tegan?"
"A game?"
"Sorry. I seem to have mislaid my traveling backgammon set," he said, joking.
"A thought game, Doc," she pressed. She did have a game in mind. He often explained a great deal to her, and it always cheered him and made her think. But he had explained everything recently. With a sigh, she grimaced. Then his comment: 'you should know me better by now'. That added to the question that she had pushed on him earlier was enough to bring another idea to her mind. "How about a game of questions and answers."
"Come again?"
"Haven't you ever heard of twenty questions, Doc?"
"Isn't that a game where a person asks another person questions to ascertain their 'hidden' identity?"
"It fits here. I feel like I barely know you sometimes."
"Do you? Interesting."
"Aren't you curious about anything about me?" she asked, louder.
"I always reckoned if you wanted to tell me something you would. But.now that you mention it, I do have some questions." He answered, letting his eyes close. "But isn't there something about.total honesty?"
"Yes."
"And you will answer with complete honesty?" he answered, quietly, but with force.
"If you will."
He let his head lull against the cool of the metal for a moment and then came to a decision. "If you wish, I can take any of your questions, Tegan. I have been interrogated by the best in the galaxy."
"The question is, Doc: can I take your honesty," she joked.
He opened his eyes and scowled at her. "Very well, Tegan. Let's play your game."
**
Round 1
"You first." Tegan said, leaning back down into his chest. "And do be gentle, please. After all this is just the first round."
He nodded. She could feel the movement in the pull of his muscles in his chest below her ear. With a sigh, she rubbed her cheek affectionately into the nap of his sweater. He had allowed her closer physically recently. And she was happy for the warmth.
The Doctor, for his part, was quiet. He was thinking. He wanted to be, gentle, as she said it, but he did have his own questions about his friend. Shifting his shoulders, he relaxed and asked his first question.
"I have met your grandfather, Tegan. What about the rest of your family? Brothers, sisters? Parents?"
Tegan immediately recoiled from his chest to stare at him. He was surprised to see he had startled her. She inhaled and blew out the breath with a quick exhale. "Are you sure you want to know that?"
"I would not have asked it if I was not curious, Tegan. Yes, I do." As she lowered her eyes, he squeezed her shoulders. "And I recall that honesty is a part of this game."
"You are wallowing in going first, aren't you?" she complained. She didn't like people knowing about her background, her family or even her reasons for her life. The less people knew about her background, the better, she always thought. But in her curiosity about the Doctor, she had forgotten he would have the absolute same right to honesty in answers. "All right. Fine. My family. I have one older sister and one younger brother. My parents are divorced. My father is remarried and living in Melbourne. My mother lives in Brisbane. I have an uncle that has a farm in the Outback. My sister was married recently and I have a very young niece. I had my aunt Vanessa. My other family is dead."
He narrowed his eyes. "Why.." She stopped him with a glare.
"One question per turn, Doc."
"You know what I want to ask.can't you just answer it?" he pleaded, looking like a lost puppy.
"And let you get away with two questions per turn, never," she laughed.
"Oh very well."
She grinned widely. It was her turn. He was suddenly afraid.
"I have a question for you."
"Can we play another game?"
"No.Doctor.what is your real name?"
He rolled his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall with a sound bang. She winced from the pure harshness of the movement. She had visions of him pounding his head against a brick wall. "Tegan." he warned.
"I know you like to be called Doctor and I won't stop calling you that, but I want to know. Is it something horrible?"
"No.it just sounds that way. The only way I can say it with any resemblance of class is in ancient Gallifreyan.and you would not understand it."
"But I would hear it."
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "You have heard a part of it. Can you just take that as your answer."
"No."
"You are rather.like a dog with a bone," he said, lowering his gaze to her. She returned his gaze with a determined one of her own. "Tegan.a Time Lord's name shows the chunks of genetic weaves in their looming as well as my patron, my house, my education, my status, and well.just about everything but the proverbial kitchen sink."
"So by telling me it, you would be telling me everything about you."
"Yes. If you were another Gallifreyan, you would know everything there is about me."
"I'm not Gallifreyan."
"Thank Rassilon for that," he joked.
"You are not getting out of this."
He sighed and lifted his eyebrows. "I indulge you too much, you know that, Miss Tegan."
"Don't talk to me like that. You are my friend, not my babysitter, Doctor," she threatened. "And don't tell me you could be my great great great great grandfather or some such nonsense.you look and act barely more than thirty yourself. I was honest; you have to be as well, you know."
He grunted. "Very well. But I warned you, Tegan. What part of my name have you heard?"
Tegan smiled. "Theta."
"Yes.well that is my common name.the name shortened as you will. Like my nickname."
"Sounds like a maths equation."
"I'm not telling you this to be an object of ridicule," he muttered, almost upset.
"Sorry," she offered and turned her head down.
"The rest of my name..there is about thirty-eight of your syllables.will be rather hard for you to understand. But you have asked and I am held to honesty. Not that you will have any use for it, however." He took a deep breath and let the syllables tumble out of his mouth. He was right, Tegan thought, as she heard the words. She didn't recognize them as Earthern in any way.
"Too right I would never have any reason to use it," she muttered, staring at him in something like shock. "By the time I called that out in warning, you would be regenerating from death from something."
He sighed, exasperated. "You asked, Tegan. I answered as bidden. Though I must admit, it was as alien saying it as it was for you to hear it. Good grief, I had forgotten how it sounded."
"So.you are called Theta?"
"Lord Theta of the House of Lungbarrow of the Pyridorian order. Thete, to friends." He finished. "I believe that answers your question, Tegan."
"I believe it does," she confided. "Thete."
He sighed. "I have given you more ammunition that I think is safe."
**
Round 2
The Doctor rolled his shoulders and glanced down at his now silent companion. She had tired quickly of ribbing him for his name. It might have been the low concentration of oxygen in the room. He sighed and flexed his muscles so that he could get her attention. He raised his eyebrows and asked the question he had begun to ask previously. "Why were you living in England with your aunt when I met you, Tegan?"
"I don't want to answer that."
"You have to, Tegan. It's the rules of the game." He pressed, still stinging somewhat from her question of him.
She thought for a moment and hedged the answer, trying to avoid the full truth of the situation. "I was going to flight attendant school."
"That is not the entire truth, I think."
"Stop being in my mind, Doc."
"It is the truth, but not the entire truth, Tegan. Answer it truthfully and completely, Tegan."
She grimaced and looked away from him, pressing to sit and move. She pulled his coat tighter about her shoulders. The silky lining slid against her skin and made her shiver. Her eyes squinted as she wondered how much of her history to tell him. Oh well, she thought. It wasn't as if he could dump her here. They had nowhere to run. "Very well. My mother had gotten divorced from my father.he was seeing his secretary on the sly.shagging. He moved to Melbourne with Gina and married her.was quite happy. Stayed with my mum. But she got into the seventies life.seeing men.didn't have time for my brother and I.sis was already out of the house. So.because I was eighteen, my father could not take me.and I was free to go. My brother went and lived with dad and I.went to Sydney. Wanted to make my own way. Wanted to do what I wanted to do. The problem was no money. I ended up on the streets.not that I wanted to be there, mind you. Don't look at me like that."
The Doctor averted his eyes and tried to erase his startled look.
"Wrote my father in a fit of clear thinking when I turned 19 and he came and got me. Thank God.although that is when I stopped believing in God. Saw some horrible things. Rabbits.don't look at me like that. I don't tell people about this because I don't want to be pitied or shunned or whatever. I had expected more out of you." She added, hurt.
"Sorry."
"Don't be.hell's teeth, Doc. I'm fine. Was fine then too. I don't need your pity. My dad sent me to Auntie Vanessa and I lived with her until I met you."
"You didn't.." he asked, inclining his head and waving his hand out to the side. While he waited for her to answer the half-asked question, he swallowed heavily.
"I'll let you get by with that question, Doc. No. I wasn't a prostitute. Nor did I sell or use drugs. Did little jobs, pickpocketed a little as well."
He looked towards the ceiling and nodded, appearing very relieved. "Thank goodness."
She shivered and looked away from him. After a few moments, she turned back, her face schooled in a mask of nonchalant anger that she often wore. It faltered as she saw his look. His eyes were wide and he appeared.proud? Hurt? A tad bit of both? She couldn't place exact expression on his young, unlined face. He reached out and heavily laid his hand on the back of her shoulder. "I don't think less of you, Tegan. The knowledge just fleshes you out to me. The past always helps another see the reason behind the actions of today."
"I believe it is my turn," she offered, not saying thank you, not knowing if she could honestly say thank you. Instead, she offered an olive branch in a way of an easy question.
"You said 'reckoned a certain way' or something like that when I said how long I had been traveling with you. The question I have is: Is there an absolute, like.Time Lord type of telling time? And how long have I been traveling with you by it?"
"A piggybacked, imbedded question within a question, Tegan."
"I answered two of yours together," she groused. "And this one is not personal."
"In some ways it is, Tegan. You have traveled with me the longest of any friend, any companion. I don't really want to tell you how long by my reckoning."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "Oh, I don't know.it might shock you into leaving. And I have just gotten used to you."
She sputtered a quickly, loud laugh and smacked his chest. "Out with it, Doc."
The Doctor smiled, pleased that his humor had been mutual. "By the absolute time variables that the TARDIS travels in and the amount of time that we spend in statis outside of time traveling in the vortex and the amount of time on various planets normalized to the Gallifreyan standard-"
"Ballpark would do, Doctor," she said, her eyes glazing over from the variables he spouted.
"By Matrix standard, Tegan..about 5 standard years."
"That isn't so bad," she offered.
"Translated to Earth time.about 43 years."
"What?!" Tegan sputtered and searched his eyes. "But.but."
"You are going to say.'but I haven't aged 43 years'. No, you haven't. There is a small bubble of time that exists in and around the TARDIS, Tegan. It affects the rate at which your physiology ages. You feel as though three years has passed and that is way that your body and mind perceive it. But to me.to any Gallifreyan.you have been with me 43 years with that short tenure on Earth included."
"Forty-three years?" she said, still in shock.
"A very long time, indeed."
"And you don't want to get rid of me yet?"
His eyes sparked with a joke and he reached out and tweeked the end of her nose with one finger. "That is a question for another round, I think. Do you want to go first this time?"
She growled and dropped her head back down on his chest, and he smiled at her frustration.
**
Tegan had taken to slowly pacing in front of the Doctor as he rested back against the wall with his hat tilted over his eyes. As she passed him the fourth time without saying anything, he lifted the rim and glanced at her. "Tegan? It is your turn."
She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. "I know, Doc. I know."
"Having problems thinking of a question? Might I be of some service?"
"Stop that." she complained and recrossed her arms. Finally, she stopped and faced him. "I have a question...but it is rather personal."
"What hasn't been tonight, Tegan?" he complained and lowered his hat over his eyes. "Fire at will.I can answer anything you ask."
"Brave now, aren't you?" she joked. Then she slid next to him to sit and turned to face him, crossing her legs under her. "All right. Fine. Doctor? Why did you leave Gallifrey? Originally that is?"
He stopped breathing and remained motionless for several minutes. And then, slowly, he tilted his hat back to stare at her. "Tegan."
"Look.I've been with you for a while."
"Yes.we discussed that, if you remember."
"And I have yet to know why you are the way you are. I mean.I have been to Gallifrey.I've seen more Time Lords than humans in these last few years.and you seem so different from them and yet very much the same." she lifted his hat completely from his eyes to stare at him. "I just want to know why a Gallifreyan that is/was the President of the High Council is dragging around the universe in a rackety old TARDIS."
"It's a story I don't share, Tegan. And something that I would rather just leave sleeping in the recesses of my mind."
Tegan sighed and shook her head. "Look.I mean."
"Tegan."
She took his hat off of his head completely. "Why? Why not let me know? Why don't you share it? Are you afraid that I or someone will like you or respect you less? Doctor.I can tell you I respect you less for your sense of dress than I would for your past."
"Tegan."
She growled. "I've trusted you to save my hide; you've trusted me to do the same. And you don't trust me to still remain your friend? Of all the."
"Tegan!" he shouted and grabbed his hat back. He crammed it on his head with a sour frown. He opened his mouth to yell at her, to tell her that he had never and would never recount that time of his life. But he stopped and stared at his friend, staring at her angry but openly honest face. She shifted her weight on her legs, thrusting out her hip, and frowned so widely that it was almost comical. And he found himself removing his hat and twisting it in his hands and quietly talking about a forgotten time of his life.
"I was young.well.as Time Lords go.I was young: one hundred and twenty-five when I was recruited out of the academy and into the ranks of the Councils. At first, I was an assistant to a Lord and then, as my graduate work gained notice, an associate and then, as my mentor regenerated and left, I stepped into a position in the general Council."
"Doc."
"Quiet and listen, Tegan. You wanted this story. I will only tell it once. As I was saying, I was in the general Council by my hundred and fortieth naming day. I was rather.arrogant."
"Oh really."
He frowned, but continued: "And I was also rather outspoken in my beliefs of law and ethics. By this time, Gallifrey's nonintervention rule had been in effect for almost one hundred millennia. Some of us.mostly my class from the Academy.had tired of this ruling. We had power.Time Lords that is.and knowledge and the ability and yet.we would stand by and allow history to unfold as it would. It was my and several other Time Lords belief that history as we knew it did not occur.it.was.helped."
"I was the only one on the Council.the only one with a voice and I tried to give voice to those ideas. Others.had different ideas as to how the situation needed to be handled. At one point, there was a student's revolt, led by some of the senior doctoral students at the Academy. It was brought to its knees quickly by the Security Force.and several students were punished. Several houses were humiliated. My name was linked with theirs. My house.my family.my name was soiled.and I found that I could not remain.I would become an exile.so I found myself stealing a TARDIS."
"Like Ruath?"
"She was ahead of me in the Academy, Tegan.but yes, like Ruath.I had forgotten that you were party to that conversation. The rest of my peers left as well."
"Have I ever met any of them?"
"Yes.and no I will not tell you who they are. Now be quiet and let me finish. As I was stealing the TARDIS.a type 40 in for repairs.Susan joined me. And I believe.through meeting my other selves.you know the rest."
Tegan opened her mouth to ask the next logical question and stopped as she saw how tightly the Doctor was wringing his hat. She lowered her eyes. "So you are a criminal."
"Of sorts."
"Were there deaths during that riot?"
"Yes.not intentional."
"Were they known to you?"
He sighed so heavily that his shoulders moved. "Yes. And before you ask.and I know you will.they were members of my house. Close members. And let's leave it at that."
She slumped against the wall and matched his pose: legs stretched out and arms folded in her lap. She looked stunned. He sighed again and reached out to touch her shoulder. "Cheer up, Tegan. It was a very long time ago, I can assure you that I am well beyond that and quite happy with how my life is proceeding. Besides, if I had remained on Gallifrey I would not have met all of the friends that I now have and would not have experienced half of what I have."
Tegan bit her lip. "I'm sorry, Doc. Truly."
He swallowed and gave her a very small smile. With a gentle hand, he reached out and traced his finger down her cheek. "Smile, Miss Tegan."
"I would have to ask the painful questions, wouldn't I?"
"You wouldn't be you if you didn't speak what was on your mind. Now." he widened his eyes and slapped his hands on his legs. "I believe it is my turn."
"Oh Lord.I had better prepare myself."
"Open season, I think.is the term you are looking for."
"I am warning you.Doc.and that question I asked you.you have to admit.needed to be asked. I mean I think all of your companions were.curious."
"Curious.I have no doubt of that.forthright in asking.no"
He smiled and rubbed his hands into his pants. "Well.now let's see." Tegan squirmed as the Doctor hummed and hawed, thinking of an appropriate question. After a moment, he glanced sideways at his friend. "Ah yes.I believe I have a question for you."
She swallowed and returned his glance.
"Why," he began, his voice louder than needed in the closed area of the refrigerator. "Why, Tegan, did you want to come back on the TARDIS in Amsterdam?"
"We discussed that before, Doctor. You said I was under the influence of the Mara still. You said that it used me to get back to Manussa."
"I know what I said, Tegan. Thank you kindly for reminding me. And I know what I thought. But you have proven me wrong before, it is only a matter of time until you prove me wrong again. You might have been under its influence, but not under its control.not consciously.only in your dreams. You made the decision to return on the TARDIS while awake and while very much conscious. I want to know why."
She shrugged. "I wanted to see Nyssa again.and you."
"You hated the TARDIS the first time round, Tegan," he reminded her, leaning forward to stare at her.
"I never hated it."
"You complained about it enough."
"You know I complain as easily as breathing. Look.don't play your mind games with me."
"Answer the question truthfully, Tegan. Seeing Nyssa and I was only part of the answer, I think."
"You would. Fine. I'll answer that when you answer why.after that.you never returned me even when I asked. You have a mind like a trap.I'm sure it didn't slip your mind that I asked to be returned after Manussa.and after Nyssa left."
"Another round, maybe, Tegan. And while you are at it.why didn't you leave in Little Hobcolm?"
"Rabbits and spit, Doc-" Tegan launched back, nearly shouting. "I didn't want to leave in Little Hobcolm. I wanted to come back aboard in Amsterdam. It felt unfinished.okay? It all felt unfinished."
"You can't run from life forever."
"Did you ever stop to think.you stupid Time Lord.that I might have missed you.and Nyssa. That I wanted to come back because I missed the life. Or can't you see beyond that elitist." Tegan waved her hand in the air. "Analytical mind of yours to see what we lowly humans do? That maybe I missed the friendship and the." she stopped and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm not running from life. I'm living it, Doctor. Hell's teeth. Now answer why you didn't take me back. You have proven to me that you can land that TARDIS on a dime."
She didn't wait for an answer and rose, resuming her angry pacing.
He waved a finger in the air and warned: "Rules, Tegan.you wanted to play this game."
"To hell with the game, Doc. Or just chalk it up to my next question. After all.I did just answer yours."
"Did you answer it completely?"
"What do you want me to say, Doctor? I'd never met anyone like Adric and Nyssa and you. I missed everything.and."
"And?"
"No."
"Out with it, Tegan."
"No. I'll not be made a fool."
"The only thing that makes you a fool is thinking that it is only yours, Tegan. I missed you as well when you were gone." He answered truthfully. "The TARDIS was awfully quiet. And you certainly do bring a spark with you. You want to know why I have never returned you? Because you always asked after a row or a particularly harrowing adventure. You would have regretted it."
"I'll thank you not to make my decisions for me or tell me what I do or do not feel, you arrogant Time Lord," she huffed, yelling back at him.
He talked over her, his voice loud. "I would have regretted it."
"Of all the."
"I don't live my life with regrets, Tegan. If I had returned you when you put forth the issue, I would have wanted you back aboard. Therefore, I would misplace the TARDIS for one adventure. If you would have asked again, I would have returned you. You never did ask a second time," he smiled.
Tegan growled. "Oh that's just wonderful.you were manipulating me."
"Yes. Yes, I believe you could label it as manipulation. But it was for the greater."
"Good? I'll believe that when pigs fly, Doctor," she shouted and raised a hand to her eyes to wipe at her tears that somehow had materialized on her cheeks. "I should have realized."
"What?"
"You have known, haven't you.all along."
"If you are inferring what I think you are, Tegan. The answer is not all along.but almost. That is if you are talking about the same thing I think you are and if I am certain of when it began. And my question to you in this round is: How long?"
Tegan threw her head back and stared at the ceiling with all the anger available in her psyche. Her laugh was bitter. "You honestly think I am going to answer that?"
"Yes." He answered, standing as she was and shoving his hat in his hip pocket. He strode to the far wall and turned quickly to face her. Tegan huffed in anger, setting her jaw. She could feel salt hot tears pricking at the edges of her eyes and she wanted to viciously keep them back. Of all the things to ask, he would have to ask that, she thought bitterly. He appeared so human in the harsh electronic light that she wondered if he wanted the answer. She could see the hesitation underlying his bravedo, a wariness to his eyes, a protectiveness in his stance. His voice, too, was tight when he stated: "Answer it, Tegan."
"What do you think? Definitely not before the Pharos project.but maybe a blessed little by the time we left Castrovalva." She talked, her voice calmed. "It wasn't like I woke up one morning and decided, Doc.it was gradual. But definitely by the time we were in 1666.you remember those Teriliptils?
"When you decided to stay," he nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets.
She shook her head. "That's right," she confirmed almost harshly.
"And that little argument we had was what? Anger at not getting out before?" he asked, almost slyly.
Tegan wiped at her eyes with a single finger. "Think you have it all figured out, don't you, Doc? Well bully for you."
He ignored her statement and bait by continuing. He waved a single hand in the air. "I knew by our little encounter with the Cybermen.when.Adric."
She nodded, almost viciously. "So you left me on Earth when you had the chance."
"I thought it was for the best."
"And now you stand here and accuse me of.heavens knows what.for wanting to come back on board."
"I wanted you back as well."
"Could have fooled me."
"I didn't know how it would be, Tegan."
"But you didn't clear the air. We are friends, Doctor.or should I say, Thete? Did you think me too childish to handle it?"
"You have proven me wrong, Tegan."
"Well thank God for that." Tegan uncrossed and recrossed her arms. "And if you are quite through.I think I want to not play for a while."
He slapped his hand against his leg and strode forward quickly, reaching out to grab her chin. It was done in anger, quick and clean. Her eyes were startled when he looked at them. "I can't, Tegan. I'm not.capable.though sometimes I wish I were."
Her teeth ground; he could feel it through his hand. "Hasn't any of your other.pets.felt this way?"
"Yes. And I have known of most of them and when it started. The chemicals you humans release with emotion are quite powerful. To call them pets is demeaning, Tegan," he admonished.
"And you left them as you did me."
"Some yes, some no," he admitted. "It has happened many times, but I will tell you this, Tegan," he tilted her head up further so that her neck was stretched and she was forced to stare at him. "You are the only time that I regretted that action. And you are one of two that I have felt.a certain affinity for."
He released her chin and strode away standing at the far wall. She gaped at his back until he turned and faced her. "Whe." she began and swallowed. She asked again, her voice a little stronger. "When?"
"Wasn't it obvious?"
"No."
"On the freighter, with the Cybermen, Tegan.really.you need to be more observant."
"Hush, Doc." she said, facing him and shifting her weight. He drew his hat out of his pocket and wrung it as she comtemplated him. "But you said you can't."
"Not in the way that humans do and can, no. Did you know on Gallifrey there are thirty-two tenses, sixteen ways to say go and twenty five ways of defining compassion? I think you helped me find the twenty sixth way."
"Compassion?"
"There is no word for love, Tegan."
"Love?" she sputtered.
"Well that is how you humans define it. Really.such a wonderfully rich species with your sparkling emotions and such a small vocabulary to describe it. Yes.love. Truly, the only knowledge and the only clear expression of the emotion are Plato's essays on the different kinds of love. I do care for you, Tegan. But I cannot say love." he sighed through his teeth. And then with a bitter laugh, he lowered his head almost tiredly. "Just understand.Tegan.that as a Gallifreyan.I am incapable of that emotion.but as a Gallifreyan I am quite capable of caring. And I do."
She groaned. Then she pinned him with an angry gaze. "Why now?"
"Why not? I suppose it would have to be said sometime."
She narrowed her eyes and began a slow approach to him. "I ought to give you whatfor, Doctor. You tricked me into saying that I."
".love me?"
"And didn't tell me any more than I already knew. I know you care about me. You care about all your friends. Is this just a way to get me to admit it so that you can dump me again?"
"I won't 'dump' you. Yes, I do care about all my friends, but it is different with you. I can't quite put my finger on it, either."
"Rabbits," she shook her head angrily and held up her hands. "Stop it. You are never one to talk about your feelings, Doc.that is too close to you."
"I'm a Gallifreyan.and I fall short of my training by feeling anything at all."
He looked at his hands. She could see the pinkening of his skin already. "Doc.we are friends, you know.I think we can leave it at that."
"Ah yes." he agreed. "We can. But it does answer the questions and it does clarify the air."
"And you will regret it."
"More than likely."he smiled, almost boyishly. "And brave heart, I won't leave you on Earth if you don't want to go."
"So.back to square one?" she offered her hand to squeeze his. He allowed her touch and nodded.
"Square one."
She laughed as he smiled. He rubbed at the back of his neck and stretched the tendons. "How many questions did we use up, Miss Tegan?"
"Too many."
"Another round, though?"
"Give it a while.let's sit and just relax. I think the air is getting thinner in here," she said, rubbing at her stomach. As she turned to walk across the metallic grate floor to the place where they had been seated, his smile dimmed. The air was thinning, indeed.
**
The Doctor leaned back against a wall, his arms crossed over his chest and his hat inclined over his eyes. He was some distance from Tegan and had been for a time. The girl was curled into a corner about ten feet from him, wrapped in his coat and sleeping fitfully. He glanced fondly at her as she shifted, stretching her legs and murmured.
The air about him was indeed thinning; he could tell the differences in the level of oxygen and nitrogen. It would been to affect Tegan soon. Gallifrey was a planet with a different density of oxygen, no argon and less nitrogen than Earth; he would be fine for a time. He would have to wake her soon. He would let her sleep if the time drew near to a critical amount of oxygen; it would be easier to let her sleep then.rather than watching her die awake and aware.
That thought made him slap his hand against his thigh. He rubbed his neck as he walked across the floor to the lock. The Doctor knew that it was a temporal lock; that it would only open during a certain window of time. He guessed the beginning of business hours. There was no hope.if he only had a temporal distorter.he might have had a chance. The obvious problem was that those were not pocket size and he could not carry one with him. When he got back to the TARDIS, he was going to have to experiment with creating a small size species of that tool.
He stared at the lock, crouching by the door. It remained as it was. With an impatient hand he tapped at the lock again; he could figure out the tumblers and sequencing, but not the final needed component. With a groan he sighed and lowered his head, his arms balanced on his knees. But.he stood suddenly and glanced around the ceiling, and when that didn't net any assets, he glanced about the floor. On the far side he saw a small, possibly decimeter by decimeter series of vents. There was the possibility that there was an air regulator or a refrigerator compressor there. He nearly ran across the room, crouching by the vent. It wasn't large enough to provide a way out for them, but.
**
Tegan awoke to the sound of the Doctor mumbling to himself. She opened her eyes and rubbed at them. She felt slightly giddy, slightly light headed, but was able to center on the Doctor's form. He had his sweater and shirt rolled up and had several pieces of machinery laid about the floor. He was tapping a conventional screwdriver against his chin.
"Doc." she tried to say, her voice gritty from nonuse and dryness. She swallowed and tried again. "Doctor?"
He stopped working and turned to her, smiling. "Tegan. Good morning."
Tegan ran a hand through her short curls and groaned. "I feel like a truck drove over me when I was asleep."
"It's the thinning air," he answered, the smile dying from his face. He stretched and approached her, reaching down to help her to her feet. She allowed herself to be pulled erect next to him. Then with a smile, he lowered his arm to put it around her shoulders and led her over to the vent. "There is a little higher of a concentration of oxygen over here, Tegan. And I am working on the regulator switches to see if I can get us some more. So.if you would be so kind." he lowered her next to the collection of material on the floor.
She nodded weakly, rubbing at her temples and watched him work. She couldn't concentrate on much, except his hands. The Doctor had always been a man.a being.that was quite aware of his spacial surroundings and was quite aware of his hands. He knew exactly what he was doing at all times, even when he didn't look like he was even all there, Tegan thought, nearly giggling. Typical of the Doctor, she thought as she stifled a laugh, the perfect embodiment of the absent minded professor.
He smiled, not looking at her as he heard her giggle. "You are getting giddy, Tegan. That should change as the concentration of oxygen increases. Just let me adjust this compressor and regulator a little more. We should and ought to have enough air until morning.until we are rescued."
"Rabbits.this is worse than being drunk," she said, rubbing at her temples and smiling. "I feel like my head is not connected to my body."
He nodded. "And you will have a hangover like being drunk as well." With a tightening of a screw and the adjustment of one of the side knobs, he finished his work. Then he put them back into the small vent he had been able to pry open. She watched him with a twinkle in her eyes, her head lulling against the wall.
"Doctor?"
"Yes. Yes. I'm done with this, Tegan. Just let me put it back in the vent."
"No, I had a question," she said, slurring the words slightly.
"That game again, so soon?" he answered, not really paying attention.
"Yes.I thought of something just now.or rather.when I was asleep. You mentioned your father and mother to Nyssa and I before and you mentioned being a very small child."
He nodded, glancing around the vent as he put it back together. "I did."
"But you told me just last week that on Gallifrey there are no babies.that everyone is.what did you say? What is that word? People do it to make rugs and stuff.Lord.why can't I think?"
The Doctor stopped moving and stared at the wall. Then he was moving quickly, checking the fittings and slipping the cover back in place. Tegan smiled idly as she watched him. Then she leaned forward and put her hand on his shoulder. "Loomed.that's it. I figured it out. You Time Lords are loomed, aren't you?"
The Doctor nodded, adjusting the vent cover again.
She held up a hand and ticked off points on her fingers. "Time Lords are loomed and appear as young teenagers, right? Right. You are a Time Lord. You mention being a small child."
With a sigh, the Doctor lowered his head. Tegan was oblivious to his obvious anxiety. She finished her points, leaning into him as she lost her balance. "How can that be, Doctor? I might not be as scientific as you, but I can see when something just doesn't add up right."
The Doctor raised his head and stared at her until it seemed that his legs gave out and he slid around to sit next to her at the wall. She leaned back to keep looking at his face, and she lost her balance. He slipped his arm around her shoulder to steady her. "Doctor? That's my next question."
He sighed and rolled his eyes. "The answer is far too complicated, Tegan."
"Is it?" she asked, putting her hand against his chest. "More complicated than our earlier conversation?"
"Far more," he answered.
Tegan giggled and traced down his chest with her hand. She could barely concentrate on the question and on what she was doing. All she could concentrate on was the texture of the weave of his sweater. The Doctor let her gently pet at his chest and leaned back into the wall. She leaned her head down on his shoulder and sighed. The Doctor slowly removed his arm and looked at his friend. The color of her skin was paler than usual. "It doesn't, as you put it, add up right because one of those facts is not correct in my case."
"You are a Time Lord?"
"Yes."
"And you were a small child," Tegan said, raising her head. Her head wobbled as she tried to fix a stare on him.
"Yes.those stories are very true." The Doctor answered, nodding.
"Then the only other fact is." she squinted at him and slowly raised her hand to count back the points. She stared at him. "You weren't loomed?"
The Doctor closed his eyes and then nodded once. "Correct. I was not loomed."
"Then how?" she bit her lip. "Rabbits, Doc.this is torture.I can't bloody well concentrate when my head is swimming like this. Just tell me the answer.don't make me guess it."
He smiled, an almost rueful smile. "How else are children brought into your world, Tegan? The answer to the question is quite simple."
"But." she said and then leaned away from him so quickly that she fell backwards. He admonished her as he reached out to steady her. "Tegan. Do be careful."
"Stop fussing, Doc. But.Gallifrey is.sterile," she gasped.
"The women of Gallifrey are sterile, Tegan.the males are not," he offered, quietly.
"Then you were.your mother." Tegan put a hand to her head to keep her eyes from shifting about her sockets. "How.you are.Gallifreyans are..who was your mother?"
"Oh well.no one of consequence.at least not to anyone be me and a few others. Someone that my biological father found attractive, at one time, I suppose." The Doctor shrugged. He righted Tegan, allowing her to curl into his chest. "I was not exaggerating when I told you that Gallifrey just does not understand or well..feel.love, Tegan. I rather thought there was an attraction between them and a measure of affection. Not quite passionate, but something.comfortable.at least while mother stayed young."
"What was she?" Tegan pressed, her voice deep and breathless.
The Doctor glanced down at his young friend and was confronted with her brown eyes looking back up at him. He stared deeply into her eyes for several moments before he answered slowly. "Human, Tegan. She was human."
"How..is that.possible?"
"She was from Britain in the 24th Century, a scholar of ancient World History and Victoriana. Gallifrey is known to your planet by then. She met my father as he was on a research mission."
"But you have two hearts..you.that bypass breathing system thing.and you.regenerate..humans don't.." she pushed away from his chest. "You lied to me.to Nyssa to.."
"I didn't," he stopped her from pulling away. "I didn't lie, Tegan. I was conceived in the natural order of things; my mother was brought to Gallifrey and was subjected to drug treatments to stabilize the fetus and embryo and to influence my genetic make-up; I was born. I have two hearts; I have twelve lives; the only difference from other Gallifreyans is that I have a rougher time of regeneration than most and I have a navel."
"You do?"
He sighed and lifted his shirt part way to show his navel. Tegan smiled at the way he held his shirt, as though he were a small boy playing show and tell in a class. "You are half-human?" she asked quietly.
"No. I am fully Gallifreyan by physiology; I am half-human by heritage. I consider myself a Time Lord, my peers consider me a Time Lord. My father was rather influential, you see. Any differences were overlooked quite early in my life."
Tegan leaned back into him. "It must have been hard to be different," she said. "It does explain a fair amount, though, Doc."
"How so?" he asked, his voice raising.
"Your dress sense.hanging out on Earth as you do.your choice in companions.cricket," she answered, taking a deep breath. "From what I can see, most Time Lords are.very bland in their choice of clothes and lifestyle. Hell's Teeth, Doc, most humans would steer clear of a coat like that let alone Time Lords."
He leaned his head back into the wall with a sigh. She tapped on his chest to get his attention. He opened one eye to glance at her. "What is it?" he asked quietly. "Didn't I answer your question to your liking? Hmm?"
"Is there anything human about you?" she asked, bluntly.
He blushed slightly. Tegan held back a smile at his embarassment. "I wasn't asking about that, you know," she reassured him.
"The answer would have been yes. Gallifreyans and humans are compatable.hence my birth." He leaned forward suddenly to pierce her with a stare. "Was that meant as an insult, Tegan?"
"No," she answered, exasperated. "Good grief, Doc.it was just a simple question."
"Ah well.then." he waved a hand in the air. "My eyes. I have poor eyesight, as I think you have noticed."
"Those spectacles of yours," Tegan nodded. Then she withdrew her arms and wrapped them around herself, shivering. "And here I just thought you wore those to look professorly; to get respect."
"It hasn't worked," he said, planatively.
"Did your mother live on Gallifrey?" she asked, returning to her lean into him.
"If you are not careful, Miss Tegan, you will use up all your questions. I do believe you are approaching 20."
She shrugged. He closed his eyes for a while, letting Tegan's body heat warm him. She seemed to be falling asleep, her head lulling further on his chest, as time went on. He answered her very quietly. "Yes. Yes, she did. Until she died when I was 50."
Tegan frowned at the obvious pain in his voice. She strove to make him see the other side of the coin that he was staring in the face. "She loved you, you know.all mothers love their children on some level. She probably was happy to see you."
He smiled gently, his face hidden from hers. "I suppose she did. I know she did. And she was happy to be around me.but it was very hard to watch." he stopped.
With a nod, she let the rest of the conversation go. It was delving into territory that she had no ability to fathom and had no ability to help him. She made one last comment before she dropped the subject completely. It was in an effort to comfort a little. Tegan had never been one to excel at comfort giving through physical closeness like hugging or gentle words to say she was sorry; she gave comfort by common-sense. She gave comfort by telling the person that there was a sensible reason why things happened and when there wasn't, she comforted by agreeing to the senseless act and calling it horrible. She tried to give the Doctor sense. "She had the choice, Doctor.to stay there on Gallifrey. She chose to remain with you."
He nodded. "I know." As she quieted once again, he asked a question of her. "If given that same choice, would you stay on Gallifrey?"
"For a child? Or for a Time Lord?"
"Either, both."
She tried to take a deep breath, but raised her hands to hold her hurting head. "The air is not getting better, Doc."
"It isn't getting better, but it will last," he reassured her.
Tegan took a deep breath and spit out an answer. "I can't answer that, Doctor. Because I simply don't know. I have never been a mother.I can't say what I would do. I might take the child to Earth." She shrugged. "And."
"Well.then." he continued, showing some anger. "For a Time Lord."
"For you?"
"I am a Time Lord."
"Would you want me to?"
"Answering a question with a question is not part of the game," he admonished. "Really, Tegan.it is a rather simply worded inquiry."
"But." she yawned. "That makes a difference in the answer."
"If I said yes, that I wanted you to stay?"
"But you wouldn't," she pointed out sensibly. "You probably haven't spent more than a week together on that damn planet since you left all those centuries ago."
He rolled his eyes and hissed through his teeth. "It is just a question, Tegan."
"Okay." she sighed, taking in a lungful of air. "I don't know what you are aiming for.but.if you wanted me to stay on Gallifrey and I could visit Earth.I would maybe.possibly.say yes."
"Without regret?" he asked, taking a deep breath himself.
"I can't say that," she pointed out.
He sighed. "I suppose that is a proper response."
Tegan smiled. "It is an easy question to answer, Doc. Hell would have to freeze over before you would stay on Gallifrey and more years than I would be alive before you would ask me to stay with you. I'm safe no matter how I answer it."
"Figured it out have you?" he asked, chuckling.
"Completely."
He shrugged using his whole body. "I always wondered why one would chose to stay on Gallifrey even for a thing like love. It used to bother me about my mother..and the way that my father distanced himself from her as she aged."
Tegan swallowed. The Doctor's voice had taken on a quiet, almost introspective tone. He was letting out more about himself than she had ever heard him say. "You would do the same."
"Tegan!" he nearly shouted, rocking forward and then holding her by the shoulders to stare at her.
"Look at it sensibly, Doc. You live to be thousands of years old.that is if you are.." She yawned. ".careful of your life. And I live to be maybe 80 if I live my life well. you would have to watch me die.age and wither away while you stayed young.it can't be easy for you or for anyone in that position. Well.it would be easier because you don't love me, but hard because you care."
He opened his mouth, but hit his hand against his thigh. Then he held up a finger in front of her. "I would never distance myself, Tegan. I do treasure friends." It was a warning tone. Tegan tried to argue back, but her head was still swimming. She held up a pair of hands.
"Look.it is all hypothetical, Doctor.." She pointed out. With a frown, she crossed her arms. "It will never happen."
He sighed and released her shoulders, letting his own rest back against the wall. "You are right, I suppose."
She nodded and leaned back into his chest. He opened his mouth, but closed it as he felt her burrow into his muscles. He felt her fall asleep, drifting from the low oxygen concentration. With a smile, he kept her against his body, and wrapped in his coat.
**
The Doctor ripped at the vent, pulling the cover away. He pulled at the regulator, and jiggled it out, grappling with his screwdriver. He mumbled as he tried to completely open the regulator for the most air. He had pulled Tegan, resting her against the wall immediately next to the vent. Her breaths were fast and shallow and her eyes flittered, half-open, half- closed.
"Doc." she gasped.
"Don't, Tegan." he took a deep breath. "Don't talk."
He pulled at the wires. "If I can." he bit his lip and separated the triad of wires that ran from the electrical unit to the fan. "Reverse it.it might draw in air.." He blinked as he found his fingers fumbling.but he crossed the wires, reversing the fan direction. It took several moments, but he did do it. The fan began to hum at a higher rate. He nodded and quickly pulled/pushed the unit back into the vent. He didn't bother with the cover, but reached over, slipping his arm under hers and pulling her against his chest so that her back was against his front. He juggled her until her head fell back against his shoulder and her face was right next to the opening.
"It's the best I can do, Tegan." he whispered.
She took a deep breath, as deep as she could and nodded.
"It's not going to get us through it." she said, breathlessly.
"Brave heart," he encouraged, pulling her further up his chest so that her neck was bent over his shoulder, keeping her air passage way open.
She was quiet, breathing as deeply as she could. He rested his head against the wall, slowing his respiration rate down to allow her more air. They sat there, his striped trouser covered legs under spread to allow her to sit between them; her bare legs stretched out between his; his cream coat wrapped about her petite frame; his arms around her waist, hers resting on top of his. He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt her breathing rate increase.
"Doc."
"Don't talk, Tegan."
"I'm scared."
"I know," he answered.
She gasped and arched slightly. "I don't want to."
"Hush." he urged. She quieted, but after some time, he felt the splash of tears on his hand. His eyes turned heavenward before he closed them again. He pressed a hand against the side of her head to get her to turn towards his neck. Tegan went willingly. He could see the tears in her eyes.could feel the gasping sobs.from the tears and from the atmosphere. "Don't." he advised. "Don't cry."
"I can't.help.it.I'm not like you." she whispered, hoarsely.
"Don't panic.just relax." he said. "Just relax.close your eyes."
She shook her head. "I'll sleep."
With a slow exhale, the Doctor nodded. "Don't fight it.if you need to sleep.close your eyes."
Tegan gasped slightly and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. "I won't wake up.will I?"
The Doctor tucked his chin and glanced at her, his blue eyes searching the contours of her face and her eyes which were now closed. He tightened his arms, bringing her closer to his chest. "I'll stay with you."
"I won't wake up." She answered him, quietly, suddenly.heated, jumpy. "I'm going to die here.on this excuse for a planet."
He closed his eyes, as if in pain. With a gentle hand he patted and then grabbed her shoulder, cupping her into his chest. "Hush."
"That's easy for you to." she gasped and breathed quickly, harshly.
"Quiet, please," he implored. "Just hush and be quiet."
They lapsed into silence, quietly breathing, quietly sitting. Neither one moved, neither one spoke. Some time later, her breathing became more labored.
She turned her head fully into his neck and chin. "Tegan," he warned. "You are away from the air."
"Rabbits.I don't want to feel alone," she breathed, roughly. Her eyes searched the side of his face. He met her eyes, fearlessly and earnestly, when he turned fully to see her.
"You are not. you have never been."
"I.hold..you to..that promise.for home.or I'll haunt.you." she grit out.
He opened his mouth, but felt her press a light kiss to his cheek. He smiled and brushed his hand to move her hair from her cheek and brow. "I promise, Tegan. And I won't leave you."
Her head lulled into his neck; he closed his eyes, pressing his cheek against her crown and brow. "I won't leave you." He reiterated, feeling her release her hold on consciousness. She breathed lightly against his neck. They were quick, panting breaths, but she was still breathing. He tried to reassure her.
"Little Hocolm.I always wanted to go back.with you.to see Verney.to visit the house in Kent. You expressed a wish to help me decorate there.and the lawn is excellent..quite a place for cricket.or that delightful village.visit the Brigadier.to visit Nyssa possibly."
She remained unconscious, her breathing becoming less and less regular.
"And the one question that you did not ask, Tegan.why I don't want to be alone." he opened his eyes and stared at the wall intently, over her head. "I don't want to die alone.to be alone.alone lets me think too much of the past and anticipate too much of the future. Let's me regret all there is about my life that I can't do." he widened his eyes.
He quieted. And held her.
**
When the door opened a little while later, the Doctor was struggling to keep himself breathing. Tegan's rate of respiration was so slow and irregular that he always wondered if her next breath was her last. Before he fell victim himself, he wondered if her irregular breathing would result in brain damage. The light that fell across him and made his eyes open. He blinked, wondering if there was any truth to divine intervention and sightings in the form of light, before he realized that it was actually the opening of the door that he had so long desired opened.
"Great Gallifrey," he breathed. "Tegan.the door."
Her head remained lulled against his neck and shoulder. It took him a moment to realize that in his agitation and excitement, her breathing had stopped completely.
He turned to her to nudge her face with his fingers to urge her awake, but she didn't respond. His mouth fell open and he rose quickly to his feet.
"Blimey.what are you two doin' in 'ere?" the man asked who opened the door. "Don't ya read what is on the outside? No entrance means no entrance."
The Doctor gave the man a cursory glance, but bent to gather Tegan into his arms. He stormed past the man, his hair and Tegan's fluttering as he ran for the open air presented by the door. The guard followed. "'ey.there somethin' wrong with 'er?"
"Call for aid," the Doctor ordered, collapsing to the ground in the corridor. He laid Tegan down, straight on the floor. "Run, man!"
With not so gentle hands, the Doctor arched Tegan's neck and laid his cheek against her mouth.waiting for the feel of soft breath against his skin. There was none.
"No, Tegan." He pinched her nose and began to respire for her. "Not like this.come on.Tegan.the door is open." he grit out in between breaths into her mouth. He roughly pulled her shirt up, revealing her black bra. He laid his hand against her chest, feeling for a beat, grabbing at her wrist with the other hand. The pulse was thready in his estimation.
"Rassilon," he cursed. She was still not breathing. He pinched her nose again and began deep breaths to expand her lungs. He kept going although a part of his mind told him that it was not in the best of hope that she would breathe again on her own.
"They be comin'" the man yelled as he rounded the corner.
The Doctor took another breath, a deep one, and pressed his lips against her hard to keep the loss of air to a minimum. But he felt the inklings of movement under his lips, the response of a breath. He pulled his mouth away from hers and grabbed at both sides of her face, yelling: "Tegan. This is quite enough. Breathe!"
She took a great gaping breath that expanded her chest and moved her head on the ground. With a sigh and with a surprisingly shaky arm, he reached forward to drag her up against his chest as he leaned into the wall with his other arm. She coughed lightly, almost moaning, but to him it was a beautiful sound. He closed his eyes and remained as he was even as the aid arrived. "Doctor?"
"Hush, Tegan."
"Where..?"
"Quiet, brave heart."
Her hand lifted weakly to rest against his shoulder. He pulled her tighter into an embrace and sighed, with his eyes still closed. The strength of his relief made his body ache. The Time Lord folded his legs and sat against the wall, letting Tegan rest next to him. It was over. But in some ways, in one form, he had a feeling something else had just started.
Authors Notes: I was put under pain of death to post this up here. It's been hiding on my webpage for the better part of two years. I didn't think relationship type fic was embraced over here, but I've been asked and here it is.
**
"Rabbits."
The swear was met with an eye roll and a masculine sigh. Tegan Jovanka leaned against the cool metal wall, holding a cream colored coat. She was wearing a black leather skirt and a bright red, white and black very short sleeved shirt. Her black high heels added almost three inches to her height. She frowned, almost comically, and it added a new depth to her striking appearance. The owner of the coat, then clad only in a white sweater with red piping and red, black and yellow pants and an open neck shirt, was kneeling in front of a metallic door.
Tegan continued her complaint. "Come on, Doctor, can't you jimmy that door? It's getting cold in here."
"It will, Tegan. This is a refrigerator of sorts. And no.I cannot just "jimmy" the door. It is a four dimensional lock.height, depth, length and time.and even with my sonic screwdriver.I would still be hard pressed to open this door."
"Time? That should be easy for you, Doc. You Time Lords create the laws of time, just create a new one."
The Doctor stopped his examination and stood quickly. He snatched back his coat with a frown on his face and narrowed his eyes at his young companion. "Tegan. Tegan. Tegan. You should know better by now. I can't just create a new law of time."
"You break them often enough," she shot back, crossing her arms over her chest.
He opened his mouth but stopped before he could answer her. He shook his head. "Tegan.if we do not find a way out of here, you winning this argument will have no meaning."
She followed him across the small space. "What I want to know is how we got in here. I mean, couldn't you tell what that.thing was thinking?"
"It was a Trilope and no, I couldn't tell what it was thinking, Tegan. I'm not a god."
"You act like it sometimes." Tegan muttered.
The Doctor sighed and looked at the ceiling. "Do be quiet.and let me think."
**
She moved her legs to the side as her friend collapsed next to her. His coat was across her bare legs. She blearily glanced at him. "We'll die in here, you know."
The Doctor leaned his head back against the wall. "Where there is life, there is hope, Tegan. Have some faith." He sighed and adjusted the coat so that her legs were completely covered. "But I would cover up."
Tegan sighed. She was tired and she was hungry and she was cold. "Let me guess, it is going to get much colder and you have no food."
"It is times like this I wish I still carried my jelly babies," he complained back. He smiled over at her. "Someone will get us, Tegan.the captain knows we are here. I would hazard a guess that by morning, he will have us out."
She rolled her head to the side and stared at the side of her friend's face. "There is something you know that you are not telling me.something bad."
"Why on earth would you think that, Tegan?" the Doctor asked, resting his shoulders fully against the wall.
"I know you.been with you quite a few years and I wasn't born yesterday."
"Ah.well.there are one or two things?" he answered, nodded, swallowing hard.
"Like?" she pressed.
"Like this room works like a conventional Terran refrigerator." he said and left the rest of the sentence hanging in the air.
Tegan thought for a second. She had been locked in her home fridge for a few minutes when she was a child and remembered one thing that still made her shake: the sound of air being removed, the sound of an air tight seal.
"The air might run out."
The Doctor nodded slowly. "Yes, Tegan. It is air tight and our air reserves might run out. I'm sorry."
"Just great!" she grumbled and closed her eyes.
**
The Doctor glanced down at Tegan. She was silent, leaning into his chest, his coat wrapped around her shoulders. He wondered if she was asleep. But quietly, through the golden half light of the freezer room, he heard: "Doctor?"
"Yes, Tegan," he answered back, just a quietly. They had been subdued for the last two hours, only talking when necessary. The air supply was still sufficient.
"Do you really think they will find us?"
"Of course," he said, with a touch of bravedo that he did not entirely feel.
"And if they don't?"
"Brave heart, of course they will find us." He squeezed her shoulder. "Are you warmer?"
"A little, thanks," she said, her voice thick. She breathed deeply for a few moments and then continued. "How do you think Turlough is doing?"
"On Frontios? Probably enjoying his time with Norna."
"Wish I were there."
"So do I. I don't fancy being a frozen entrée."
He closed his eyes and leaned his head back into the icy wall behind him. Tegan's barely clad legs were curled into his thighs. His legs were stretched out.
"You have a respiratory bypass system, don't you?"
The Doctor opened his eyes and looked down at the top of his friend's head. Her voice was quieted, muffled against his sweater. She glanced up at him. "I mean that means you can exist without breathing, right?"
He nodded slowly.
"So that means if the air runs out.you can live."
The Doctor frowned. Tegan was right. "For a short time, yes. Maybe an hour. or less.I don't know, I've never really tried to test it to the maximum."
"And you would regenerate?"
"Possibly.Tegan.why are you asking me these questions?" The Doctor asked, tucking his chin into his chest. He waited until Tegan met his eyes. "We will get out of here."
"But you would make it out of here no matter what." she continued, meeting his eyes. She had been thinking recently, during her travels with him, what would happen if something ill became of her. Would her family know of her fate? The Doctor was known to her grandfather now. Would he tell them of her outcome? She suddenly felt the need to ask him. "And if you do.and I.well.if I."
The Doctor sighed and glanced at the ceiling. "Tegan."
"This is important, Doc.I've been thinking about this. I mean.what would happen if I die when I am traveling with you."
"That is not going to happen," the Doctor growled out.
"It happened before. It happened to Adric," she pointed out, realistically and bluntly.
"I won't let it happen again if I have anything to say about it, Tegan. Believe that." His voice was deep, slightly hoarse. She knew she had hurt him by bringing up Adric, but it was necessary.
"Look.all I am saying, Doc, is that I want to ask what you would do with my.body.if when whatever happens."
"That's morbid." He complained.
"Would you take me back home? Would you tell my family? They know you now."
"Tegan."
"Would you do it if I ask you as a friend?"
"Stop."
Tegan edged away from his chest and glared at him. "Face it, Doc.I'm just a human. Not some mutable Time Lord, like you are. I will die well before you would."
He opened his mouth, but closed it as he saw not anger, not pain, but an earnest inquiry. "Tegan.if it would happen.do you honestly want me to tell your family?"
She nodded. "Grandfather."
"Vernon? I see," he said, nodding slowly.
"Do you?" she asked, quietly almost scoffing and leaned her head back against his chest. "Sometimes, Doctor, I don't think you understand anything I say."
He sighed and rolled his eyes, half in joking, half in affection. "I'm sorry. Maybe it's the accent."
"And don't think I have forgotten that little tiff with the Gravis.walk's not quite right and the accent indeed." Tegan answered, harshly.
"Get back to the topic, Tegan."
"The topic is that I want you to tell my family if I die, Doctor. And I want to ask you to do it as my friend." She pressed. "I want your word as a Time Lord."
She closed her eyes as she felt him take a deep inhale and heard him sigh. Finally, faintly, she heard: "My word as a Time Lord, Tegan.I'll tell your family." For some reason, she thought she had forced a hard promise from him.
They were silent for a time, resting against each other, drawing what warmth they could from the one another. "I'd do the same for you," she said quietly.
He jumped, almost startled and shook his head. "There would be no reason, Tegan. I would regenerate."
"Always logic with you."
"You expect something else? I though you knew me by now."
"I was just telling you I would honor you."
He held up a hand, nodding. "I know, Tegan.I know..what you meant and the mindset in which you gave it. I do appreciate it."
She yawned and rubbed her cheek into his chest. He rubbed his chin on the top of her head. They had not talked for a while. But Tegan was one that talked when she was scared or upset, the silence could not last. "I'm scared, Doctor."
"I know."
"Can we do something to take my mind off of this?" she asked, quietly, with an edge.
He was silent as if he was thinking the proposition over. "What did you have in mind, Tegan?"
"A game?"
"Sorry. I seem to have mislaid my traveling backgammon set," he said, joking.
"A thought game, Doc," she pressed. She did have a game in mind. He often explained a great deal to her, and it always cheered him and made her think. But he had explained everything recently. With a sigh, she grimaced. Then his comment: 'you should know me better by now'. That added to the question that she had pushed on him earlier was enough to bring another idea to her mind. "How about a game of questions and answers."
"Come again?"
"Haven't you ever heard of twenty questions, Doc?"
"Isn't that a game where a person asks another person questions to ascertain their 'hidden' identity?"
"It fits here. I feel like I barely know you sometimes."
"Do you? Interesting."
"Aren't you curious about anything about me?" she asked, louder.
"I always reckoned if you wanted to tell me something you would. But.now that you mention it, I do have some questions." He answered, letting his eyes close. "But isn't there something about.total honesty?"
"Yes."
"And you will answer with complete honesty?" he answered, quietly, but with force.
"If you will."
He let his head lull against the cool of the metal for a moment and then came to a decision. "If you wish, I can take any of your questions, Tegan. I have been interrogated by the best in the galaxy."
"The question is, Doc: can I take your honesty," she joked.
He opened his eyes and scowled at her. "Very well, Tegan. Let's play your game."
**
Round 1
"You first." Tegan said, leaning back down into his chest. "And do be gentle, please. After all this is just the first round."
He nodded. She could feel the movement in the pull of his muscles in his chest below her ear. With a sigh, she rubbed her cheek affectionately into the nap of his sweater. He had allowed her closer physically recently. And she was happy for the warmth.
The Doctor, for his part, was quiet. He was thinking. He wanted to be, gentle, as she said it, but he did have his own questions about his friend. Shifting his shoulders, he relaxed and asked his first question.
"I have met your grandfather, Tegan. What about the rest of your family? Brothers, sisters? Parents?"
Tegan immediately recoiled from his chest to stare at him. He was surprised to see he had startled her. She inhaled and blew out the breath with a quick exhale. "Are you sure you want to know that?"
"I would not have asked it if I was not curious, Tegan. Yes, I do." As she lowered her eyes, he squeezed her shoulders. "And I recall that honesty is a part of this game."
"You are wallowing in going first, aren't you?" she complained. She didn't like people knowing about her background, her family or even her reasons for her life. The less people knew about her background, the better, she always thought. But in her curiosity about the Doctor, she had forgotten he would have the absolute same right to honesty in answers. "All right. Fine. My family. I have one older sister and one younger brother. My parents are divorced. My father is remarried and living in Melbourne. My mother lives in Brisbane. I have an uncle that has a farm in the Outback. My sister was married recently and I have a very young niece. I had my aunt Vanessa. My other family is dead."
He narrowed his eyes. "Why.." She stopped him with a glare.
"One question per turn, Doc."
"You know what I want to ask.can't you just answer it?" he pleaded, looking like a lost puppy.
"And let you get away with two questions per turn, never," she laughed.
"Oh very well."
She grinned widely. It was her turn. He was suddenly afraid.
"I have a question for you."
"Can we play another game?"
"No.Doctor.what is your real name?"
He rolled his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall with a sound bang. She winced from the pure harshness of the movement. She had visions of him pounding his head against a brick wall. "Tegan." he warned.
"I know you like to be called Doctor and I won't stop calling you that, but I want to know. Is it something horrible?"
"No.it just sounds that way. The only way I can say it with any resemblance of class is in ancient Gallifreyan.and you would not understand it."
"But I would hear it."
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "You have heard a part of it. Can you just take that as your answer."
"No."
"You are rather.like a dog with a bone," he said, lowering his gaze to her. She returned his gaze with a determined one of her own. "Tegan.a Time Lord's name shows the chunks of genetic weaves in their looming as well as my patron, my house, my education, my status, and well.just about everything but the proverbial kitchen sink."
"So by telling me it, you would be telling me everything about you."
"Yes. If you were another Gallifreyan, you would know everything there is about me."
"I'm not Gallifreyan."
"Thank Rassilon for that," he joked.
"You are not getting out of this."
He sighed and lifted his eyebrows. "I indulge you too much, you know that, Miss Tegan."
"Don't talk to me like that. You are my friend, not my babysitter, Doctor," she threatened. "And don't tell me you could be my great great great great grandfather or some such nonsense.you look and act barely more than thirty yourself. I was honest; you have to be as well, you know."
He grunted. "Very well. But I warned you, Tegan. What part of my name have you heard?"
Tegan smiled. "Theta."
"Yes.well that is my common name.the name shortened as you will. Like my nickname."
"Sounds like a maths equation."
"I'm not telling you this to be an object of ridicule," he muttered, almost upset.
"Sorry," she offered and turned her head down.
"The rest of my name..there is about thirty-eight of your syllables.will be rather hard for you to understand. But you have asked and I am held to honesty. Not that you will have any use for it, however." He took a deep breath and let the syllables tumble out of his mouth. He was right, Tegan thought, as she heard the words. She didn't recognize them as Earthern in any way.
"Too right I would never have any reason to use it," she muttered, staring at him in something like shock. "By the time I called that out in warning, you would be regenerating from death from something."
He sighed, exasperated. "You asked, Tegan. I answered as bidden. Though I must admit, it was as alien saying it as it was for you to hear it. Good grief, I had forgotten how it sounded."
"So.you are called Theta?"
"Lord Theta of the House of Lungbarrow of the Pyridorian order. Thete, to friends." He finished. "I believe that answers your question, Tegan."
"I believe it does," she confided. "Thete."
He sighed. "I have given you more ammunition that I think is safe."
**
Round 2
The Doctor rolled his shoulders and glanced down at his now silent companion. She had tired quickly of ribbing him for his name. It might have been the low concentration of oxygen in the room. He sighed and flexed his muscles so that he could get her attention. He raised his eyebrows and asked the question he had begun to ask previously. "Why were you living in England with your aunt when I met you, Tegan?"
"I don't want to answer that."
"You have to, Tegan. It's the rules of the game." He pressed, still stinging somewhat from her question of him.
She thought for a moment and hedged the answer, trying to avoid the full truth of the situation. "I was going to flight attendant school."
"That is not the entire truth, I think."
"Stop being in my mind, Doc."
"It is the truth, but not the entire truth, Tegan. Answer it truthfully and completely, Tegan."
She grimaced and looked away from him, pressing to sit and move. She pulled his coat tighter about her shoulders. The silky lining slid against her skin and made her shiver. Her eyes squinted as she wondered how much of her history to tell him. Oh well, she thought. It wasn't as if he could dump her here. They had nowhere to run. "Very well. My mother had gotten divorced from my father.he was seeing his secretary on the sly.shagging. He moved to Melbourne with Gina and married her.was quite happy. Stayed with my mum. But she got into the seventies life.seeing men.didn't have time for my brother and I.sis was already out of the house. So.because I was eighteen, my father could not take me.and I was free to go. My brother went and lived with dad and I.went to Sydney. Wanted to make my own way. Wanted to do what I wanted to do. The problem was no money. I ended up on the streets.not that I wanted to be there, mind you. Don't look at me like that."
The Doctor averted his eyes and tried to erase his startled look.
"Wrote my father in a fit of clear thinking when I turned 19 and he came and got me. Thank God.although that is when I stopped believing in God. Saw some horrible things. Rabbits.don't look at me like that. I don't tell people about this because I don't want to be pitied or shunned or whatever. I had expected more out of you." She added, hurt.
"Sorry."
"Don't be.hell's teeth, Doc. I'm fine. Was fine then too. I don't need your pity. My dad sent me to Auntie Vanessa and I lived with her until I met you."
"You didn't.." he asked, inclining his head and waving his hand out to the side. While he waited for her to answer the half-asked question, he swallowed heavily.
"I'll let you get by with that question, Doc. No. I wasn't a prostitute. Nor did I sell or use drugs. Did little jobs, pickpocketed a little as well."
He looked towards the ceiling and nodded, appearing very relieved. "Thank goodness."
She shivered and looked away from him. After a few moments, she turned back, her face schooled in a mask of nonchalant anger that she often wore. It faltered as she saw his look. His eyes were wide and he appeared.proud? Hurt? A tad bit of both? She couldn't place exact expression on his young, unlined face. He reached out and heavily laid his hand on the back of her shoulder. "I don't think less of you, Tegan. The knowledge just fleshes you out to me. The past always helps another see the reason behind the actions of today."
"I believe it is my turn," she offered, not saying thank you, not knowing if she could honestly say thank you. Instead, she offered an olive branch in a way of an easy question.
"You said 'reckoned a certain way' or something like that when I said how long I had been traveling with you. The question I have is: Is there an absolute, like.Time Lord type of telling time? And how long have I been traveling with you by it?"
"A piggybacked, imbedded question within a question, Tegan."
"I answered two of yours together," she groused. "And this one is not personal."
"In some ways it is, Tegan. You have traveled with me the longest of any friend, any companion. I don't really want to tell you how long by my reckoning."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "Oh, I don't know.it might shock you into leaving. And I have just gotten used to you."
She sputtered a quickly, loud laugh and smacked his chest. "Out with it, Doc."
The Doctor smiled, pleased that his humor had been mutual. "By the absolute time variables that the TARDIS travels in and the amount of time that we spend in statis outside of time traveling in the vortex and the amount of time on various planets normalized to the Gallifreyan standard-"
"Ballpark would do, Doctor," she said, her eyes glazing over from the variables he spouted.
"By Matrix standard, Tegan..about 5 standard years."
"That isn't so bad," she offered.
"Translated to Earth time.about 43 years."
"What?!" Tegan sputtered and searched his eyes. "But.but."
"You are going to say.'but I haven't aged 43 years'. No, you haven't. There is a small bubble of time that exists in and around the TARDIS, Tegan. It affects the rate at which your physiology ages. You feel as though three years has passed and that is way that your body and mind perceive it. But to me.to any Gallifreyan.you have been with me 43 years with that short tenure on Earth included."
"Forty-three years?" she said, still in shock.
"A very long time, indeed."
"And you don't want to get rid of me yet?"
His eyes sparked with a joke and he reached out and tweeked the end of her nose with one finger. "That is a question for another round, I think. Do you want to go first this time?"
She growled and dropped her head back down on his chest, and he smiled at her frustration.
**
Tegan had taken to slowly pacing in front of the Doctor as he rested back against the wall with his hat tilted over his eyes. As she passed him the fourth time without saying anything, he lifted the rim and glanced at her. "Tegan? It is your turn."
She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. "I know, Doc. I know."
"Having problems thinking of a question? Might I be of some service?"
"Stop that." she complained and recrossed her arms. Finally, she stopped and faced him. "I have a question...but it is rather personal."
"What hasn't been tonight, Tegan?" he complained and lowered his hat over his eyes. "Fire at will.I can answer anything you ask."
"Brave now, aren't you?" she joked. Then she slid next to him to sit and turned to face him, crossing her legs under her. "All right. Fine. Doctor? Why did you leave Gallifrey? Originally that is?"
He stopped breathing and remained motionless for several minutes. And then, slowly, he tilted his hat back to stare at her. "Tegan."
"Look.I've been with you for a while."
"Yes.we discussed that, if you remember."
"And I have yet to know why you are the way you are. I mean.I have been to Gallifrey.I've seen more Time Lords than humans in these last few years.and you seem so different from them and yet very much the same." she lifted his hat completely from his eyes to stare at him. "I just want to know why a Gallifreyan that is/was the President of the High Council is dragging around the universe in a rackety old TARDIS."
"It's a story I don't share, Tegan. And something that I would rather just leave sleeping in the recesses of my mind."
Tegan sighed and shook her head. "Look.I mean."
"Tegan."
She took his hat off of his head completely. "Why? Why not let me know? Why don't you share it? Are you afraid that I or someone will like you or respect you less? Doctor.I can tell you I respect you less for your sense of dress than I would for your past."
"Tegan."
She growled. "I've trusted you to save my hide; you've trusted me to do the same. And you don't trust me to still remain your friend? Of all the."
"Tegan!" he shouted and grabbed his hat back. He crammed it on his head with a sour frown. He opened his mouth to yell at her, to tell her that he had never and would never recount that time of his life. But he stopped and stared at his friend, staring at her angry but openly honest face. She shifted her weight on her legs, thrusting out her hip, and frowned so widely that it was almost comical. And he found himself removing his hat and twisting it in his hands and quietly talking about a forgotten time of his life.
"I was young.well.as Time Lords go.I was young: one hundred and twenty-five when I was recruited out of the academy and into the ranks of the Councils. At first, I was an assistant to a Lord and then, as my graduate work gained notice, an associate and then, as my mentor regenerated and left, I stepped into a position in the general Council."
"Doc."
"Quiet and listen, Tegan. You wanted this story. I will only tell it once. As I was saying, I was in the general Council by my hundred and fortieth naming day. I was rather.arrogant."
"Oh really."
He frowned, but continued: "And I was also rather outspoken in my beliefs of law and ethics. By this time, Gallifrey's nonintervention rule had been in effect for almost one hundred millennia. Some of us.mostly my class from the Academy.had tired of this ruling. We had power.Time Lords that is.and knowledge and the ability and yet.we would stand by and allow history to unfold as it would. It was my and several other Time Lords belief that history as we knew it did not occur.it.was.helped."
"I was the only one on the Council.the only one with a voice and I tried to give voice to those ideas. Others.had different ideas as to how the situation needed to be handled. At one point, there was a student's revolt, led by some of the senior doctoral students at the Academy. It was brought to its knees quickly by the Security Force.and several students were punished. Several houses were humiliated. My name was linked with theirs. My house.my family.my name was soiled.and I found that I could not remain.I would become an exile.so I found myself stealing a TARDIS."
"Like Ruath?"
"She was ahead of me in the Academy, Tegan.but yes, like Ruath.I had forgotten that you were party to that conversation. The rest of my peers left as well."
"Have I ever met any of them?"
"Yes.and no I will not tell you who they are. Now be quiet and let me finish. As I was stealing the TARDIS.a type 40 in for repairs.Susan joined me. And I believe.through meeting my other selves.you know the rest."
Tegan opened her mouth to ask the next logical question and stopped as she saw how tightly the Doctor was wringing his hat. She lowered her eyes. "So you are a criminal."
"Of sorts."
"Were there deaths during that riot?"
"Yes.not intentional."
"Were they known to you?"
He sighed so heavily that his shoulders moved. "Yes. And before you ask.and I know you will.they were members of my house. Close members. And let's leave it at that."
She slumped against the wall and matched his pose: legs stretched out and arms folded in her lap. She looked stunned. He sighed again and reached out to touch her shoulder. "Cheer up, Tegan. It was a very long time ago, I can assure you that I am well beyond that and quite happy with how my life is proceeding. Besides, if I had remained on Gallifrey I would not have met all of the friends that I now have and would not have experienced half of what I have."
Tegan bit her lip. "I'm sorry, Doc. Truly."
He swallowed and gave her a very small smile. With a gentle hand, he reached out and traced his finger down her cheek. "Smile, Miss Tegan."
"I would have to ask the painful questions, wouldn't I?"
"You wouldn't be you if you didn't speak what was on your mind. Now." he widened his eyes and slapped his hands on his legs. "I believe it is my turn."
"Oh Lord.I had better prepare myself."
"Open season, I think.is the term you are looking for."
"I am warning you.Doc.and that question I asked you.you have to admit.needed to be asked. I mean I think all of your companions were.curious."
"Curious.I have no doubt of that.forthright in asking.no"
He smiled and rubbed his hands into his pants. "Well.now let's see." Tegan squirmed as the Doctor hummed and hawed, thinking of an appropriate question. After a moment, he glanced sideways at his friend. "Ah yes.I believe I have a question for you."
She swallowed and returned his glance.
"Why," he began, his voice louder than needed in the closed area of the refrigerator. "Why, Tegan, did you want to come back on the TARDIS in Amsterdam?"
"We discussed that before, Doctor. You said I was under the influence of the Mara still. You said that it used me to get back to Manussa."
"I know what I said, Tegan. Thank you kindly for reminding me. And I know what I thought. But you have proven me wrong before, it is only a matter of time until you prove me wrong again. You might have been under its influence, but not under its control.not consciously.only in your dreams. You made the decision to return on the TARDIS while awake and while very much conscious. I want to know why."
She shrugged. "I wanted to see Nyssa again.and you."
"You hated the TARDIS the first time round, Tegan," he reminded her, leaning forward to stare at her.
"I never hated it."
"You complained about it enough."
"You know I complain as easily as breathing. Look.don't play your mind games with me."
"Answer the question truthfully, Tegan. Seeing Nyssa and I was only part of the answer, I think."
"You would. Fine. I'll answer that when you answer why.after that.you never returned me even when I asked. You have a mind like a trap.I'm sure it didn't slip your mind that I asked to be returned after Manussa.and after Nyssa left."
"Another round, maybe, Tegan. And while you are at it.why didn't you leave in Little Hobcolm?"
"Rabbits and spit, Doc-" Tegan launched back, nearly shouting. "I didn't want to leave in Little Hobcolm. I wanted to come back aboard in Amsterdam. It felt unfinished.okay? It all felt unfinished."
"You can't run from life forever."
"Did you ever stop to think.you stupid Time Lord.that I might have missed you.and Nyssa. That I wanted to come back because I missed the life. Or can't you see beyond that elitist." Tegan waved her hand in the air. "Analytical mind of yours to see what we lowly humans do? That maybe I missed the friendship and the." she stopped and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm not running from life. I'm living it, Doctor. Hell's teeth. Now answer why you didn't take me back. You have proven to me that you can land that TARDIS on a dime."
She didn't wait for an answer and rose, resuming her angry pacing.
He waved a finger in the air and warned: "Rules, Tegan.you wanted to play this game."
"To hell with the game, Doc. Or just chalk it up to my next question. After all.I did just answer yours."
"Did you answer it completely?"
"What do you want me to say, Doctor? I'd never met anyone like Adric and Nyssa and you. I missed everything.and."
"And?"
"No."
"Out with it, Tegan."
"No. I'll not be made a fool."
"The only thing that makes you a fool is thinking that it is only yours, Tegan. I missed you as well when you were gone." He answered truthfully. "The TARDIS was awfully quiet. And you certainly do bring a spark with you. You want to know why I have never returned you? Because you always asked after a row or a particularly harrowing adventure. You would have regretted it."
"I'll thank you not to make my decisions for me or tell me what I do or do not feel, you arrogant Time Lord," she huffed, yelling back at him.
He talked over her, his voice loud. "I would have regretted it."
"Of all the."
"I don't live my life with regrets, Tegan. If I had returned you when you put forth the issue, I would have wanted you back aboard. Therefore, I would misplace the TARDIS for one adventure. If you would have asked again, I would have returned you. You never did ask a second time," he smiled.
Tegan growled. "Oh that's just wonderful.you were manipulating me."
"Yes. Yes, I believe you could label it as manipulation. But it was for the greater."
"Good? I'll believe that when pigs fly, Doctor," she shouted and raised a hand to her eyes to wipe at her tears that somehow had materialized on her cheeks. "I should have realized."
"What?"
"You have known, haven't you.all along."
"If you are inferring what I think you are, Tegan. The answer is not all along.but almost. That is if you are talking about the same thing I think you are and if I am certain of when it began. And my question to you in this round is: How long?"
Tegan threw her head back and stared at the ceiling with all the anger available in her psyche. Her laugh was bitter. "You honestly think I am going to answer that?"
"Yes." He answered, standing as she was and shoving his hat in his hip pocket. He strode to the far wall and turned quickly to face her. Tegan huffed in anger, setting her jaw. She could feel salt hot tears pricking at the edges of her eyes and she wanted to viciously keep them back. Of all the things to ask, he would have to ask that, she thought bitterly. He appeared so human in the harsh electronic light that she wondered if he wanted the answer. She could see the hesitation underlying his bravedo, a wariness to his eyes, a protectiveness in his stance. His voice, too, was tight when he stated: "Answer it, Tegan."
"What do you think? Definitely not before the Pharos project.but maybe a blessed little by the time we left Castrovalva." She talked, her voice calmed. "It wasn't like I woke up one morning and decided, Doc.it was gradual. But definitely by the time we were in 1666.you remember those Teriliptils?
"When you decided to stay," he nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets.
She shook her head. "That's right," she confirmed almost harshly.
"And that little argument we had was what? Anger at not getting out before?" he asked, almost slyly.
Tegan wiped at her eyes with a single finger. "Think you have it all figured out, don't you, Doc? Well bully for you."
He ignored her statement and bait by continuing. He waved a single hand in the air. "I knew by our little encounter with the Cybermen.when.Adric."
She nodded, almost viciously. "So you left me on Earth when you had the chance."
"I thought it was for the best."
"And now you stand here and accuse me of.heavens knows what.for wanting to come back on board."
"I wanted you back as well."
"Could have fooled me."
"I didn't know how it would be, Tegan."
"But you didn't clear the air. We are friends, Doctor.or should I say, Thete? Did you think me too childish to handle it?"
"You have proven me wrong, Tegan."
"Well thank God for that." Tegan uncrossed and recrossed her arms. "And if you are quite through.I think I want to not play for a while."
He slapped his hand against his leg and strode forward quickly, reaching out to grab her chin. It was done in anger, quick and clean. Her eyes were startled when he looked at them. "I can't, Tegan. I'm not.capable.though sometimes I wish I were."
Her teeth ground; he could feel it through his hand. "Hasn't any of your other.pets.felt this way?"
"Yes. And I have known of most of them and when it started. The chemicals you humans release with emotion are quite powerful. To call them pets is demeaning, Tegan," he admonished.
"And you left them as you did me."
"Some yes, some no," he admitted. "It has happened many times, but I will tell you this, Tegan," he tilted her head up further so that her neck was stretched and she was forced to stare at him. "You are the only time that I regretted that action. And you are one of two that I have felt.a certain affinity for."
He released her chin and strode away standing at the far wall. She gaped at his back until he turned and faced her. "Whe." she began and swallowed. She asked again, her voice a little stronger. "When?"
"Wasn't it obvious?"
"No."
"On the freighter, with the Cybermen, Tegan.really.you need to be more observant."
"Hush, Doc." she said, facing him and shifting her weight. He drew his hat out of his pocket and wrung it as she comtemplated him. "But you said you can't."
"Not in the way that humans do and can, no. Did you know on Gallifrey there are thirty-two tenses, sixteen ways to say go and twenty five ways of defining compassion? I think you helped me find the twenty sixth way."
"Compassion?"
"There is no word for love, Tegan."
"Love?" she sputtered.
"Well that is how you humans define it. Really.such a wonderfully rich species with your sparkling emotions and such a small vocabulary to describe it. Yes.love. Truly, the only knowledge and the only clear expression of the emotion are Plato's essays on the different kinds of love. I do care for you, Tegan. But I cannot say love." he sighed through his teeth. And then with a bitter laugh, he lowered his head almost tiredly. "Just understand.Tegan.that as a Gallifreyan.I am incapable of that emotion.but as a Gallifreyan I am quite capable of caring. And I do."
She groaned. Then she pinned him with an angry gaze. "Why now?"
"Why not? I suppose it would have to be said sometime."
She narrowed her eyes and began a slow approach to him. "I ought to give you whatfor, Doctor. You tricked me into saying that I."
".love me?"
"And didn't tell me any more than I already knew. I know you care about me. You care about all your friends. Is this just a way to get me to admit it so that you can dump me again?"
"I won't 'dump' you. Yes, I do care about all my friends, but it is different with you. I can't quite put my finger on it, either."
"Rabbits," she shook her head angrily and held up her hands. "Stop it. You are never one to talk about your feelings, Doc.that is too close to you."
"I'm a Gallifreyan.and I fall short of my training by feeling anything at all."
He looked at his hands. She could see the pinkening of his skin already. "Doc.we are friends, you know.I think we can leave it at that."
"Ah yes." he agreed. "We can. But it does answer the questions and it does clarify the air."
"And you will regret it."
"More than likely."he smiled, almost boyishly. "And brave heart, I won't leave you on Earth if you don't want to go."
"So.back to square one?" she offered her hand to squeeze his. He allowed her touch and nodded.
"Square one."
She laughed as he smiled. He rubbed at the back of his neck and stretched the tendons. "How many questions did we use up, Miss Tegan?"
"Too many."
"Another round, though?"
"Give it a while.let's sit and just relax. I think the air is getting thinner in here," she said, rubbing at her stomach. As she turned to walk across the metallic grate floor to the place where they had been seated, his smile dimmed. The air was thinning, indeed.
**
The Doctor leaned back against a wall, his arms crossed over his chest and his hat inclined over his eyes. He was some distance from Tegan and had been for a time. The girl was curled into a corner about ten feet from him, wrapped in his coat and sleeping fitfully. He glanced fondly at her as she shifted, stretching her legs and murmured.
The air about him was indeed thinning; he could tell the differences in the level of oxygen and nitrogen. It would been to affect Tegan soon. Gallifrey was a planet with a different density of oxygen, no argon and less nitrogen than Earth; he would be fine for a time. He would have to wake her soon. He would let her sleep if the time drew near to a critical amount of oxygen; it would be easier to let her sleep then.rather than watching her die awake and aware.
That thought made him slap his hand against his thigh. He rubbed his neck as he walked across the floor to the lock. The Doctor knew that it was a temporal lock; that it would only open during a certain window of time. He guessed the beginning of business hours. There was no hope.if he only had a temporal distorter.he might have had a chance. The obvious problem was that those were not pocket size and he could not carry one with him. When he got back to the TARDIS, he was going to have to experiment with creating a small size species of that tool.
He stared at the lock, crouching by the door. It remained as it was. With an impatient hand he tapped at the lock again; he could figure out the tumblers and sequencing, but not the final needed component. With a groan he sighed and lowered his head, his arms balanced on his knees. But.he stood suddenly and glanced around the ceiling, and when that didn't net any assets, he glanced about the floor. On the far side he saw a small, possibly decimeter by decimeter series of vents. There was the possibility that there was an air regulator or a refrigerator compressor there. He nearly ran across the room, crouching by the vent. It wasn't large enough to provide a way out for them, but.
**
Tegan awoke to the sound of the Doctor mumbling to himself. She opened her eyes and rubbed at them. She felt slightly giddy, slightly light headed, but was able to center on the Doctor's form. He had his sweater and shirt rolled up and had several pieces of machinery laid about the floor. He was tapping a conventional screwdriver against his chin.
"Doc." she tried to say, her voice gritty from nonuse and dryness. She swallowed and tried again. "Doctor?"
He stopped working and turned to her, smiling. "Tegan. Good morning."
Tegan ran a hand through her short curls and groaned. "I feel like a truck drove over me when I was asleep."
"It's the thinning air," he answered, the smile dying from his face. He stretched and approached her, reaching down to help her to her feet. She allowed herself to be pulled erect next to him. Then with a smile, he lowered his arm to put it around her shoulders and led her over to the vent. "There is a little higher of a concentration of oxygen over here, Tegan. And I am working on the regulator switches to see if I can get us some more. So.if you would be so kind." he lowered her next to the collection of material on the floor.
She nodded weakly, rubbing at her temples and watched him work. She couldn't concentrate on much, except his hands. The Doctor had always been a man.a being.that was quite aware of his spacial surroundings and was quite aware of his hands. He knew exactly what he was doing at all times, even when he didn't look like he was even all there, Tegan thought, nearly giggling. Typical of the Doctor, she thought as she stifled a laugh, the perfect embodiment of the absent minded professor.
He smiled, not looking at her as he heard her giggle. "You are getting giddy, Tegan. That should change as the concentration of oxygen increases. Just let me adjust this compressor and regulator a little more. We should and ought to have enough air until morning.until we are rescued."
"Rabbits.this is worse than being drunk," she said, rubbing at her temples and smiling. "I feel like my head is not connected to my body."
He nodded. "And you will have a hangover like being drunk as well." With a tightening of a screw and the adjustment of one of the side knobs, he finished his work. Then he put them back into the small vent he had been able to pry open. She watched him with a twinkle in her eyes, her head lulling against the wall.
"Doctor?"
"Yes. Yes. I'm done with this, Tegan. Just let me put it back in the vent."
"No, I had a question," she said, slurring the words slightly.
"That game again, so soon?" he answered, not really paying attention.
"Yes.I thought of something just now.or rather.when I was asleep. You mentioned your father and mother to Nyssa and I before and you mentioned being a very small child."
He nodded, glancing around the vent as he put it back together. "I did."
"But you told me just last week that on Gallifrey there are no babies.that everyone is.what did you say? What is that word? People do it to make rugs and stuff.Lord.why can't I think?"
The Doctor stopped moving and stared at the wall. Then he was moving quickly, checking the fittings and slipping the cover back in place. Tegan smiled idly as she watched him. Then she leaned forward and put her hand on his shoulder. "Loomed.that's it. I figured it out. You Time Lords are loomed, aren't you?"
The Doctor nodded, adjusting the vent cover again.
She held up a hand and ticked off points on her fingers. "Time Lords are loomed and appear as young teenagers, right? Right. You are a Time Lord. You mention being a small child."
With a sigh, the Doctor lowered his head. Tegan was oblivious to his obvious anxiety. She finished her points, leaning into him as she lost her balance. "How can that be, Doctor? I might not be as scientific as you, but I can see when something just doesn't add up right."
The Doctor raised his head and stared at her until it seemed that his legs gave out and he slid around to sit next to her at the wall. She leaned back to keep looking at his face, and she lost her balance. He slipped his arm around her shoulder to steady her. "Doctor? That's my next question."
He sighed and rolled his eyes. "The answer is far too complicated, Tegan."
"Is it?" she asked, putting her hand against his chest. "More complicated than our earlier conversation?"
"Far more," he answered.
Tegan giggled and traced down his chest with her hand. She could barely concentrate on the question and on what she was doing. All she could concentrate on was the texture of the weave of his sweater. The Doctor let her gently pet at his chest and leaned back into the wall. She leaned her head down on his shoulder and sighed. The Doctor slowly removed his arm and looked at his friend. The color of her skin was paler than usual. "It doesn't, as you put it, add up right because one of those facts is not correct in my case."
"You are a Time Lord?"
"Yes."
"And you were a small child," Tegan said, raising her head. Her head wobbled as she tried to fix a stare on him.
"Yes.those stories are very true." The Doctor answered, nodding.
"Then the only other fact is." she squinted at him and slowly raised her hand to count back the points. She stared at him. "You weren't loomed?"
The Doctor closed his eyes and then nodded once. "Correct. I was not loomed."
"Then how?" she bit her lip. "Rabbits, Doc.this is torture.I can't bloody well concentrate when my head is swimming like this. Just tell me the answer.don't make me guess it."
He smiled, an almost rueful smile. "How else are children brought into your world, Tegan? The answer to the question is quite simple."
"But." she said and then leaned away from him so quickly that she fell backwards. He admonished her as he reached out to steady her. "Tegan. Do be careful."
"Stop fussing, Doc. But.Gallifrey is.sterile," she gasped.
"The women of Gallifrey are sterile, Tegan.the males are not," he offered, quietly.
"Then you were.your mother." Tegan put a hand to her head to keep her eyes from shifting about her sockets. "How.you are.Gallifreyans are..who was your mother?"
"Oh well.no one of consequence.at least not to anyone be me and a few others. Someone that my biological father found attractive, at one time, I suppose." The Doctor shrugged. He righted Tegan, allowing her to curl into his chest. "I was not exaggerating when I told you that Gallifrey just does not understand or well..feel.love, Tegan. I rather thought there was an attraction between them and a measure of affection. Not quite passionate, but something.comfortable.at least while mother stayed young."
"What was she?" Tegan pressed, her voice deep and breathless.
The Doctor glanced down at his young friend and was confronted with her brown eyes looking back up at him. He stared deeply into her eyes for several moments before he answered slowly. "Human, Tegan. She was human."
"How..is that.possible?"
"She was from Britain in the 24th Century, a scholar of ancient World History and Victoriana. Gallifrey is known to your planet by then. She met my father as he was on a research mission."
"But you have two hearts..you.that bypass breathing system thing.and you.regenerate..humans don't.." she pushed away from his chest. "You lied to me.to Nyssa to.."
"I didn't," he stopped her from pulling away. "I didn't lie, Tegan. I was conceived in the natural order of things; my mother was brought to Gallifrey and was subjected to drug treatments to stabilize the fetus and embryo and to influence my genetic make-up; I was born. I have two hearts; I have twelve lives; the only difference from other Gallifreyans is that I have a rougher time of regeneration than most and I have a navel."
"You do?"
He sighed and lifted his shirt part way to show his navel. Tegan smiled at the way he held his shirt, as though he were a small boy playing show and tell in a class. "You are half-human?" she asked quietly.
"No. I am fully Gallifreyan by physiology; I am half-human by heritage. I consider myself a Time Lord, my peers consider me a Time Lord. My father was rather influential, you see. Any differences were overlooked quite early in my life."
Tegan leaned back into him. "It must have been hard to be different," she said. "It does explain a fair amount, though, Doc."
"How so?" he asked, his voice raising.
"Your dress sense.hanging out on Earth as you do.your choice in companions.cricket," she answered, taking a deep breath. "From what I can see, most Time Lords are.very bland in their choice of clothes and lifestyle. Hell's Teeth, Doc, most humans would steer clear of a coat like that let alone Time Lords."
He leaned his head back into the wall with a sigh. She tapped on his chest to get his attention. He opened one eye to glance at her. "What is it?" he asked quietly. "Didn't I answer your question to your liking? Hmm?"
"Is there anything human about you?" she asked, bluntly.
He blushed slightly. Tegan held back a smile at his embarassment. "I wasn't asking about that, you know," she reassured him.
"The answer would have been yes. Gallifreyans and humans are compatable.hence my birth." He leaned forward suddenly to pierce her with a stare. "Was that meant as an insult, Tegan?"
"No," she answered, exasperated. "Good grief, Doc.it was just a simple question."
"Ah well.then." he waved a hand in the air. "My eyes. I have poor eyesight, as I think you have noticed."
"Those spectacles of yours," Tegan nodded. Then she withdrew her arms and wrapped them around herself, shivering. "And here I just thought you wore those to look professorly; to get respect."
"It hasn't worked," he said, planatively.
"Did your mother live on Gallifrey?" she asked, returning to her lean into him.
"If you are not careful, Miss Tegan, you will use up all your questions. I do believe you are approaching 20."
She shrugged. He closed his eyes for a while, letting Tegan's body heat warm him. She seemed to be falling asleep, her head lulling further on his chest, as time went on. He answered her very quietly. "Yes. Yes, she did. Until she died when I was 50."
Tegan frowned at the obvious pain in his voice. She strove to make him see the other side of the coin that he was staring in the face. "She loved you, you know.all mothers love their children on some level. She probably was happy to see you."
He smiled gently, his face hidden from hers. "I suppose she did. I know she did. And she was happy to be around me.but it was very hard to watch." he stopped.
With a nod, she let the rest of the conversation go. It was delving into territory that she had no ability to fathom and had no ability to help him. She made one last comment before she dropped the subject completely. It was in an effort to comfort a little. Tegan had never been one to excel at comfort giving through physical closeness like hugging or gentle words to say she was sorry; she gave comfort by common-sense. She gave comfort by telling the person that there was a sensible reason why things happened and when there wasn't, she comforted by agreeing to the senseless act and calling it horrible. She tried to give the Doctor sense. "She had the choice, Doctor.to stay there on Gallifrey. She chose to remain with you."
He nodded. "I know." As she quieted once again, he asked a question of her. "If given that same choice, would you stay on Gallifrey?"
"For a child? Or for a Time Lord?"
"Either, both."
She tried to take a deep breath, but raised her hands to hold her hurting head. "The air is not getting better, Doc."
"It isn't getting better, but it will last," he reassured her.
Tegan took a deep breath and spit out an answer. "I can't answer that, Doctor. Because I simply don't know. I have never been a mother.I can't say what I would do. I might take the child to Earth." She shrugged. "And."
"Well.then." he continued, showing some anger. "For a Time Lord."
"For you?"
"I am a Time Lord."
"Would you want me to?"
"Answering a question with a question is not part of the game," he admonished. "Really, Tegan.it is a rather simply worded inquiry."
"But." she yawned. "That makes a difference in the answer."
"If I said yes, that I wanted you to stay?"
"But you wouldn't," she pointed out sensibly. "You probably haven't spent more than a week together on that damn planet since you left all those centuries ago."
He rolled his eyes and hissed through his teeth. "It is just a question, Tegan."
"Okay." she sighed, taking in a lungful of air. "I don't know what you are aiming for.but.if you wanted me to stay on Gallifrey and I could visit Earth.I would maybe.possibly.say yes."
"Without regret?" he asked, taking a deep breath himself.
"I can't say that," she pointed out.
He sighed. "I suppose that is a proper response."
Tegan smiled. "It is an easy question to answer, Doc. Hell would have to freeze over before you would stay on Gallifrey and more years than I would be alive before you would ask me to stay with you. I'm safe no matter how I answer it."
"Figured it out have you?" he asked, chuckling.
"Completely."
He shrugged using his whole body. "I always wondered why one would chose to stay on Gallifrey even for a thing like love. It used to bother me about my mother..and the way that my father distanced himself from her as she aged."
Tegan swallowed. The Doctor's voice had taken on a quiet, almost introspective tone. He was letting out more about himself than she had ever heard him say. "You would do the same."
"Tegan!" he nearly shouted, rocking forward and then holding her by the shoulders to stare at her.
"Look at it sensibly, Doc. You live to be thousands of years old.that is if you are.." She yawned. ".careful of your life. And I live to be maybe 80 if I live my life well. you would have to watch me die.age and wither away while you stayed young.it can't be easy for you or for anyone in that position. Well.it would be easier because you don't love me, but hard because you care."
He opened his mouth, but hit his hand against his thigh. Then he held up a finger in front of her. "I would never distance myself, Tegan. I do treasure friends." It was a warning tone. Tegan tried to argue back, but her head was still swimming. She held up a pair of hands.
"Look.it is all hypothetical, Doctor.." She pointed out. With a frown, she crossed her arms. "It will never happen."
He sighed and released her shoulders, letting his own rest back against the wall. "You are right, I suppose."
She nodded and leaned back into his chest. He opened his mouth, but closed it as he felt her burrow into his muscles. He felt her fall asleep, drifting from the low oxygen concentration. With a smile, he kept her against his body, and wrapped in his coat.
**
The Doctor ripped at the vent, pulling the cover away. He pulled at the regulator, and jiggled it out, grappling with his screwdriver. He mumbled as he tried to completely open the regulator for the most air. He had pulled Tegan, resting her against the wall immediately next to the vent. Her breaths were fast and shallow and her eyes flittered, half-open, half- closed.
"Doc." she gasped.
"Don't, Tegan." he took a deep breath. "Don't talk."
He pulled at the wires. "If I can." he bit his lip and separated the triad of wires that ran from the electrical unit to the fan. "Reverse it.it might draw in air.." He blinked as he found his fingers fumbling.but he crossed the wires, reversing the fan direction. It took several moments, but he did do it. The fan began to hum at a higher rate. He nodded and quickly pulled/pushed the unit back into the vent. He didn't bother with the cover, but reached over, slipping his arm under hers and pulling her against his chest so that her back was against his front. He juggled her until her head fell back against his shoulder and her face was right next to the opening.
"It's the best I can do, Tegan." he whispered.
She took a deep breath, as deep as she could and nodded.
"It's not going to get us through it." she said, breathlessly.
"Brave heart," he encouraged, pulling her further up his chest so that her neck was bent over his shoulder, keeping her air passage way open.
She was quiet, breathing as deeply as she could. He rested his head against the wall, slowing his respiration rate down to allow her more air. They sat there, his striped trouser covered legs under spread to allow her to sit between them; her bare legs stretched out between his; his cream coat wrapped about her petite frame; his arms around her waist, hers resting on top of his. He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt her breathing rate increase.
"Doc."
"Don't talk, Tegan."
"I'm scared."
"I know," he answered.
She gasped and arched slightly. "I don't want to."
"Hush." he urged. She quieted, but after some time, he felt the splash of tears on his hand. His eyes turned heavenward before he closed them again. He pressed a hand against the side of her head to get her to turn towards his neck. Tegan went willingly. He could see the tears in her eyes.could feel the gasping sobs.from the tears and from the atmosphere. "Don't." he advised. "Don't cry."
"I can't.help.it.I'm not like you." she whispered, hoarsely.
"Don't panic.just relax." he said. "Just relax.close your eyes."
She shook her head. "I'll sleep."
With a slow exhale, the Doctor nodded. "Don't fight it.if you need to sleep.close your eyes."
Tegan gasped slightly and rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. "I won't wake up.will I?"
The Doctor tucked his chin and glanced at her, his blue eyes searching the contours of her face and her eyes which were now closed. He tightened his arms, bringing her closer to his chest. "I'll stay with you."
"I won't wake up." She answered him, quietly, suddenly.heated, jumpy. "I'm going to die here.on this excuse for a planet."
He closed his eyes, as if in pain. With a gentle hand he patted and then grabbed her shoulder, cupping her into his chest. "Hush."
"That's easy for you to." she gasped and breathed quickly, harshly.
"Quiet, please," he implored. "Just hush and be quiet."
They lapsed into silence, quietly breathing, quietly sitting. Neither one moved, neither one spoke. Some time later, her breathing became more labored.
She turned her head fully into his neck and chin. "Tegan," he warned. "You are away from the air."
"Rabbits.I don't want to feel alone," she breathed, roughly. Her eyes searched the side of his face. He met her eyes, fearlessly and earnestly, when he turned fully to see her.
"You are not. you have never been."
"I.hold..you to..that promise.for home.or I'll haunt.you." she grit out.
He opened his mouth, but felt her press a light kiss to his cheek. He smiled and brushed his hand to move her hair from her cheek and brow. "I promise, Tegan. And I won't leave you."
Her head lulled into his neck; he closed his eyes, pressing his cheek against her crown and brow. "I won't leave you." He reiterated, feeling her release her hold on consciousness. She breathed lightly against his neck. They were quick, panting breaths, but she was still breathing. He tried to reassure her.
"Little Hocolm.I always wanted to go back.with you.to see Verney.to visit the house in Kent. You expressed a wish to help me decorate there.and the lawn is excellent..quite a place for cricket.or that delightful village.visit the Brigadier.to visit Nyssa possibly."
She remained unconscious, her breathing becoming less and less regular.
"And the one question that you did not ask, Tegan.why I don't want to be alone." he opened his eyes and stared at the wall intently, over her head. "I don't want to die alone.to be alone.alone lets me think too much of the past and anticipate too much of the future. Let's me regret all there is about my life that I can't do." he widened his eyes.
He quieted. And held her.
**
When the door opened a little while later, the Doctor was struggling to keep himself breathing. Tegan's rate of respiration was so slow and irregular that he always wondered if her next breath was her last. Before he fell victim himself, he wondered if her irregular breathing would result in brain damage. The light that fell across him and made his eyes open. He blinked, wondering if there was any truth to divine intervention and sightings in the form of light, before he realized that it was actually the opening of the door that he had so long desired opened.
"Great Gallifrey," he breathed. "Tegan.the door."
Her head remained lulled against his neck and shoulder. It took him a moment to realize that in his agitation and excitement, her breathing had stopped completely.
He turned to her to nudge her face with his fingers to urge her awake, but she didn't respond. His mouth fell open and he rose quickly to his feet.
"Blimey.what are you two doin' in 'ere?" the man asked who opened the door. "Don't ya read what is on the outside? No entrance means no entrance."
The Doctor gave the man a cursory glance, but bent to gather Tegan into his arms. He stormed past the man, his hair and Tegan's fluttering as he ran for the open air presented by the door. The guard followed. "'ey.there somethin' wrong with 'er?"
"Call for aid," the Doctor ordered, collapsing to the ground in the corridor. He laid Tegan down, straight on the floor. "Run, man!"
With not so gentle hands, the Doctor arched Tegan's neck and laid his cheek against her mouth.waiting for the feel of soft breath against his skin. There was none.
"No, Tegan." He pinched her nose and began to respire for her. "Not like this.come on.Tegan.the door is open." he grit out in between breaths into her mouth. He roughly pulled her shirt up, revealing her black bra. He laid his hand against her chest, feeling for a beat, grabbing at her wrist with the other hand. The pulse was thready in his estimation.
"Rassilon," he cursed. She was still not breathing. He pinched her nose again and began deep breaths to expand her lungs. He kept going although a part of his mind told him that it was not in the best of hope that she would breathe again on her own.
"They be comin'" the man yelled as he rounded the corner.
The Doctor took another breath, a deep one, and pressed his lips against her hard to keep the loss of air to a minimum. But he felt the inklings of movement under his lips, the response of a breath. He pulled his mouth away from hers and grabbed at both sides of her face, yelling: "Tegan. This is quite enough. Breathe!"
She took a great gaping breath that expanded her chest and moved her head on the ground. With a sigh and with a surprisingly shaky arm, he reached forward to drag her up against his chest as he leaned into the wall with his other arm. She coughed lightly, almost moaning, but to him it was a beautiful sound. He closed his eyes and remained as he was even as the aid arrived. "Doctor?"
"Hush, Tegan."
"Where..?"
"Quiet, brave heart."
Her hand lifted weakly to rest against his shoulder. He pulled her tighter into an embrace and sighed, with his eyes still closed. The strength of his relief made his body ache. The Time Lord folded his legs and sat against the wall, letting Tegan rest next to him. It was over. But in some ways, in one form, he had a feeling something else had just started.