Disclaimers and Ramblings:

This is the second in a series just started now: 'Ode to…' The first happened to be about the wonderful and illustrious Legolas of LotR; this one is about Captain Jack Sparrow of Pirates of the Caribbean. I do not own Pirates. I wish I did, because then I could watch it every day. And make Pirate-flavored ice cream. Mmmhmm. So, I hope you like this little ditty, because as I write this I haven't even written it yet. Awesome.

Ode to Wildly Gesturing Pirate God

O Captain of the Crunch! Lay down your cap!

The time for the grandest hat is upon us!

Avast! In the distance – the marshmallow puff ship,

The sign of eternal happiness in the skull and crossbones,

Is it a Viking? Is it an extremely drunk person?

No! Forsooth! It is Captain Jack Sparrow!

And for him, I will risk my life and limb and chimpanzees

I will bake a lemon meringue pie in preparation

Of the looting, pillaging, and plundering that will come,

Along with breakfast cereals and lots of rum, and also more chimpanzees

So that when thou dost arrive, I may beg entry to your ship,

By saying, 'Parlay! Je parle français avec vous!' and giving of Cheetos to the crew

For arriving in your majesty dripping with gold and apples,

I shall only whisper 'omelette de fromage' in awe.

And wonder at the pain of applying mascara

and lampblack

and kohl

and eyeliner

and all things black to your foxy eyes on a rolling ship high seas

For don't you know ?!

I am a maker of hats, out of macaroni, my dear Jack,

And I am here for a life of servitude to my glorious Pirate King

(whether he wants it or not)

And to make him little paper cranes, out of anything I can find,

Feed him french fries and give him back rubs,

For he is Captain Jack Sparrow !

And he will wear the boots doth like in the Spongebob show,

When Spongebob becomes Super FryCook,

And squeak just as much,

For beloved everywhere, and slapped everywhere,

The be-hatted Captain Jack Sparrow, cap-i-tan of the 'Black Purl'.