Title: Untitled

Rating: ummm what's the one before R? Well that one, for naughty language and angsty themes.

Summary: Buffy comes back from the grave very much like she did in the series, but the plot veers off onto a new path. That means no troika, no Giles YET, and unfortunately no Spike, 'cause he complicates things, which is a poo 'cause he makes things so much fun!

Setting: Season 6 and 7 so spoilers ahoy if you haven't seen both those seasons. Starts right after "After Life" so Giles hasn't returned yet.

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own them

bathroom scenes

[prologue]

Buffy stood in front of the steaming mirror wearing a frown and little else.

She felt numb. And it wasn't the fact that she was standing stark naked in her small bathroom with only the steam from her finished shower keeping her warm. She felt numb all over, from head to foot, inside and out.

Why was that? Where did the numbness she had been feeling from the moment she had crawled out of that grave come from? After the initial shock of waking up under six feet of dirt, the numbness had set in and hadn't left since, leaving Buffy walking through a fog of responsibility her friends had carefully explained to her and uncertainty about her future that outwardly she presented a brave face to.

Shouldn't she just be happy that she was back? Shouldn't she feel grateful that her friends loved her enough to give her this amazing gift? Shouldn't she be feeling something?

Buffy wiped at her reflection, leaving beads of water in her wake marking it's way through the condensation.

She felt there should be something to show for her time "away," a new outlook on life that should shine through her eyes maybe. She touched her refracted likeness and drew closer to the mirror. The cool wetness that gathered on the glass ran down her bare arm, Buffy watching it's progress before returning to her reflection.

Wisdom, faith, serenity, or maybe even a feeling of superiority, that should show shouldn't it? Somewhere in her expression in the way she carried herself, some sort of feeling that she knew something others didn't. She had come back from the great beyond, months after her actual death. People didn't do that everyday. She was meant to have all the answers now, yet all she had were more questions.

Life was a gift, she knew that was how she was supposed to feel, but was it really? It didn't feel like it right now. It felt like hot searing pain that scorched a path through her veins into her heart, and if she gave into that ache, the knowledge that was constantly there at the back of her mind, if she acknowledged its existence and let go of the coldness that surrounded her, then she would have to feel, and that meant more than pain and hurt, it meant uncertainty and self-evaluation. She'd have to look at herself, really look, and that meant taking responsibility for her life.

She wasn't ready for that. She wasn't sure she'd ever be. And that was why she was numb.

Blinking back the tears that were certain to fall if she kept on that line of thought, Buffy breathed deeply, opened her eyes and watched as the mask of indifference fall back into its place.