Van's PMS Problem

Hitomi massaged her palm, muttering darkly under her breath as she walked the halls of Asturia's palace. It had been abused several times more than usual this week, and she wouldn't be surprised if it developed a bruise in the near future. But Van had been an ass again for the fifth time that day, so she'd taken it upon herself to smack some sense in him. Of course, it hadn't worked, just like all the other times it hadn't...

Sitting down in a huff, she sighed, slumping deeper into the chair as she pondered the King. Why was he so God-damned irritating all the time? She knew he could be sweet, even gentle and understanding at times. That was why she lov- um, cared for him so much. But when he got into his little snits, he frustrated her to no end!! He deserved every slap he got, just for toying with her mind!

She snorted derisively, glaring out the window of her room.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was suffering from constant PMS." A startled gasp and a furry head appeared less than three inches from Hitomi's face, and she in turn gave a shriek of surprise, falling to the floor. Merle bounded into the window, nonplused by Hitomi's rather awkward position on the ground. Instead, she looked rather angry and worried. Hitomi sat up with a groan as Merle shouted at her.

"How did you know about that?? It's top secret!! Don't tell me you've wormed your way into Lord Van's confidence so quickly! You're just a weirdo from some other planet, you don't deserve knowing the truth!!" Hitomi glared up at the cat girl before standing and stretching out the kinks that had appeared in her back.

"Merle, anyone who knows Van knows he acts like an ass almost all the time, but that he has his good points too. He's sweet and all nice at one minute, then he says something that makes you want to pummel him into the ground. He has some major mood swings- even Millerna's noticed it. You can't say he's the easiest person to get along with. And I'm not weird!!" She paused in her rant to eye Merle suspiciously. "What don't I deserve to know about Van, Merle?"

Merle made a noise curiously close to the sound a mouse makes when caught in a trap, only to attempt to cover up her sudden unease. She decided cleaning herself would be a good thing to do at that moment, and began licking her hand at once.

"Nothing, Weirdo. There's nothing you don't deserve to know about Lord Van." Hitomi didn't seem to be buying her nonchalance, so she needed to think of something to throw the human off quick.

"Millerna-hime is studying to be a doctor, so she should be able to notice things about people. Unlike you, she's able to tell the difference between when a person is sick, and when a person is just trying to get rid of someone annoying. Are you sure Lord Van's coolness towards you isn't just his way to try to get rid of you? I mean, you are a pain-" The cat girl dodged the swipe Hitomi made for her head, moving across the room to sit on the bed, tail flicking back and forth. Hitomi growled something under her breath, then turned to ignore the intruder altogether.

"Whatever. I still say he acts like he has PMS."

"He does, stupid!"

A silence fell over the room as both girls looked at each other, one in horror, one is disbelief. Merle clasped her hands over her mouth, even as Hitomi began to laugh uncontrollably. Merle moved to glare at the girl rolling on the floor and clutching her sides. She was tempted to give the girl a kick in the ribs, but she doubted even that would make the Mystic Moon girl stop her mirth. Merle settled instead for an angry shout instead.

"How can you laugh about it? It's a serious matter!! Lord Van is ashamed of it, so if you say anything to anyone..." She flexed her claws to finish the sentence. Hitomi quelled her laughter with an effort, gasping as she pulled herself into a chair.

"Merle, that's got to be the funniest thing you've ever said. As if Van's mood swings could be from PMS. He's a guy, for God's sake." It was Merle's turn to be confused, and this irritated her even more.

"What does being a guy have to do with it? Anyone can get it, if it's in their blood. Van's grandparents had it, or so Queen Varie used to say. And their parents before- Why are you laughing?? It's not funny!!" Hitomi giggled a bit more, then cleared her throat, pulling herself together.

"Merle, maybe we're not thinking of the same thing. What does PMS stand for here?" Merle tilted her head, then understood that maybe the freaks on the Mystic Moon had some other type of malady by the same name, but a different type of problem.

"PMS is something only Draconians can get, since they've got wings. Its stands for Perpetual Molting Syndrome. What did you think it stood for?" Hitomi's smile vanished, and her brows fell in confusion.

"I don't understand. Why would this molting thing affect Van's mood? Isn't it natural for bird to lose their feathers from time to time?" Merle shook her head, disgusted with the stupidity of Hitomi.

"It's not like that! Haven't you noticed, every time Lord Van lets his wings show, he loses a lot of feathers?" Hitomi's nod made her continue. "Well, Lord Van told me that losing feathers isn't so bad, just that it gets itchy. And if you've got a constant itch that you could never stop, don't you think you'd be grouchy too? Lord Van is really a nice person, but he gets grumpy because of his condition. And when it's time for his normal molting, it's even worse. Now do you see why?"

Hitomi's face had gone white, and now she was shaking her head sadly.

"But that's horrible! We've got to do something for Van! But what? Hmm...." Hitomi glanced over at her duffle bag, eyes lightening as an idea cam to her head. Merle wondered if Lord Van would ever forgive her for telling his secret, but a thought came to her, and she walked over to where Hitomi sat rummaging through her bags.

"Hey Hitomi, what did you think I meant by PMS?"

Van was having a very bad day. First, he'd gotten up only to find he'd left the cockpit to Escaflowne open, and thus flooded with the rain that had come in the night. The food from the cook was cold when he finally got to eat breakfast. Then, he'd received word that his traitorous, evil, conniving, stupid, irritating older brother was st ill breathing, despite all his hopes and curses for him to do otherwise. Then, he'd gotten slapped, not once but five times in the course of ten minutes by Hitomi for NO good reason at all. And finally, Allen had noticed the mark, made a comment, accepted his challenge to a duel, and promptly kicked his butt. Again. It was a crappy day altogether, and it didn't seem like anything he'd been trying to do was working.

He'd left the cockpit open because he wanted to air it out, and it hadn't looked like rain the night before. He hadn't meant to skip breakfast with everyone else, but mopping out Escaflowne had taken priority. And as for Folken... well, sometimes you don't get your wish. But Hitomi had had no reason to smack him once, let alone five times! It was infuriating to be punished for nothing. All he'd said was that he didn't have time to deal with her right then. And... Some stuff about always needing a guy to protect her too... and some detrimental things about Allen...

Hell, he wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he didn't like the fact that she so openly cared for the stupid knight. He wasn't jealous or anything, but Hitomi was his wom- his charge, and Allen had no right to try to take her from under his protection. The slaps didn't even hurt as much as the fact that Allen had beaten him when he'd tried to recover some dignity he'd lost in front of the knight. When he'd failed in doing that, he'd decided that brooding the rest of the day would be as good as any way to end an overall shitty day. And, sitting up here on the roof was soothing; he could feel the wind on his face, see the stars beginning to show, and if he titled his head just this way, he could get a peek into Hitomi's room- not that he would spy on her or anything.

In fact, he hadn't noticed movement in some time. She hadn't left, had she? How could he protect her if he didn't know where she was? Didn't she know that she was in constant danger here, where they were both strangers? Was she that stupid?

No, she wasn't stupid at all. He knew that she was actually pretty smart, for a girl and all. In fact, it was one of the reasons that he lov-

"Van? Can... Can I talk to you for a minute?" His gaze shot up from her window to see her standing there nervously, trying to keep her balance as she waited for him to acknowledge him. He hoped the flush on his cheeks from being caught looking into her room- not that he would do such a thing- didn't show in the darkening light. He hmphed, turning his head to gaze out over the city and down at the sea stretched out ahead. She made some noise of irritation, but she spoke up again, calming her anger.

"I'm sorry I hit you earlier, Van." His eyebrows raised, and he noticed how she wasn't looking at him anymore, instead finding her feet an interesting subject to study. And- was she blushing? No, it had to be the light. He sniffed in feigned irritation, ignoring how warm and fuzzy it made him feel to hear her say that.

"I'd rather be alone, Hitomi. I need to think." To his shock and not nearly enough irritation, she sat down next to him, still shifting nervously.

"I know I was wrong to slap you. I just- you just.... I'm sorry."

"Hitomi?" Her bright green eyes flicked up in surprise at the gentleness in his voice, and she gasped when she saw the slight smile.

"Yes Van?"

"It's alright. I deserved it. I'm sorry I said those things. They were uncalled for, and you have my apologies. Please forgive me."

That had to be a blush, he was sure of it. Dammit, was he blushing too? Curse these emotions-!! His eyebrows raised as she pushed something into his hand, and he studied it closely. It was a small tube of something that had come from her bag, but what its contents were he couldn't begin to guess. His expression seemed to only make her more uncomfortable, and the blush darkened. He liked it when she blushed. She looked... pretty.

"Umm... Well, Merle and I were talking, and umm... she said that sometimes, you err.... well, she told me what PMS stands for here, and well... That is, she said that you're always in a bad mood-" his face darkened at that, but she continued stumbling along, trying to get out what she wanted to say, "-because you, um.... I juts thought you might want.... Oh, for goodness sakes! It's anti-itch cream!" He peered down at the little tube again, then understanding filled his face. He didn't know whether to be angry with Merle, or secretly delighted that Hitomi knew his dark secret. He decided a blend of both would be in order.

"So she told you about... about my condition. I see." She started to apologize for intruding, getting up to flee, but he held her wrist, keeping her down with him. She gasped when he smiled instead of shouting that he didn't need her help or her concern.

"Thank you, Hitomi. Could you do me a favor, though?" She nodded, still shocked by his odd behavior. He tore off his shirt getting even closer to her, whispering what he wanted her to do. Her blush reached an all time darkness, but he was sure the slap he received was not full-hearted. It hadn't hurt very much at all.

Merle wandered the halls, still somewhat shaken by what Hitomi had told her earlier. No wonder the girl had laughed when she'd stated Lord Van's condition! And what a horrible thing for female humans to go through! She once again thanked the powers that be for making her a cat and not a human.

Suddenly, her sensitive ears picked up noises down the hall, and she realized with a start that they were coming from Lord Van's quarters. She silently sped down the hall, ready to destroy whoever was hurting her Lord Van. What she heard made her stomach turn in both anger, disgust and loss, making her flee the scene altogether. Lord Van, how could you?? Fate could be so cruel!!

"Oh, God , yes, Hitomi. Yes! YES! Mhnnn, right there!! Harder! HARDER!!!"

Hitomi, sweat dripping from her brow, sighed, fell onto the bed, breathing heavily. Van, also sweating, smiled languidly up at her.

"That was the best back rub I've ever gotten, Hitomi. My skin is tingling, and there isn't any itch left at all. You're amazing." Hitomi smiled wearily back at him, flexing her cramped fingers.

"Well, you should've said something sooner. I could've helped! After I've rested, I'm going to talk to the healer about getting you a better balm for your back. You know, if you hadn't been so pig-headed, you could've solved the problem a lot earlier." She stifled an expansive yawn, blinking her eyes sleepily. She sat up, groaning as she did so.

"I've got to get to bed. I'll see you tomorrow, alright Van? Van?" She looked down when Van's arm wrapped around her, pulling her back down and against his chest.

"Mmm, just stay here." She turned to face him, flush creeping into her face again. Surely he wasn't propositioning her...?

"Van, I can't stay here! I've got to get back to my room. What would everyone say if they knew I'd stayed here all night? What would they think?"

"That we slept together. Just lie down and go to sleep, Hitomi. That's an order from your Lord and Protector. And we'll do this every night, and you won't question me when I tell you what to-"

She was out the door in seconds, and he sat there with a hand to his swelling cheek, exhaustion getting the better of his anger and confusion. He'd just tried to propose to her, and she'd slapped him again. Dammit, what had he said wrong that time? Sighing, he fell back into the bed, moodily wondering if she was suffering from the PMS from her world she'd mentioned. Irritably, he scratched at his back, then turned over, nursing both cheek and pride. He'd try again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and he'd keep doing it until she said yes. Then, he would make sure she never got away from him again.

There was no way he'd let Allen get a back rub like that.

Smiling smugly to himself because he knew this was something he could win, he let himself fall asleep, itch-free for the first time since he could remember.

~owari~

Pointless fluff is fun, isn't it? Stupid and yet cute, ne? This was a brainchild thought up around 12:30 AM last Saturday at Otakon, while watching "Nescaflowne." This story was brought to you by the number 9 (Yami no Matsuei books I bought) and the color purple (because Tsuzuki-san's eyes are so pretty... ^_^)

Leave a review, you know you want to! ~SLS~