WARNING! THIS STORY REQUIRES YOU TO READ 'The Case of the Missing Cape' FIRST! DO NOT COMPLAIN IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, OR I'LL POP A CAP IN YOUR ASS!! Okay... it isn't really necessary but I would like you to… and it will help…
This story is more about Reno than anyone else…cos I luv Reno, always will…
* sigh *
I dedicate this story to all who love Reno.
~ Wannon-chan ~
This fic alludes to some yaoi relationships. As in it mentions some guys kissing and being in a relationship with each other…That isn't the main storyline but it does get a mention so beware! And also… this fanfic has some language that isn't suitable for young 'uns… as in swearing… duh.
And… finally this fanfic is quite… silly… and not just your everyday run-of-the-mill silly - this silly is end of school, Christmas high spirits, Reno-inspired silly… so don't expect seriousness…
~Smeegee-chan~
The Bird-Poo Gun of Doom Strikes Back
It was a beautiful day in Midgar…the sun was actually penetrating through the thick clouds, and pollution was low(er).
Cloud and Rufus were wandering around outside, talking, laughing and sharing sweet kisses.
Reno felt stink.
He was lonely, and bored, too.
What the hell can I do to entertain myself? He thought. He began thinking really hard, and giggled when he remembered his whole escapade with Vincent's cape and the water gun.
Hmm…that could entertain me for a while! Reno thought gleefully, and he raced off to find the water gun.
After an hour of rummaging through his junk, he finally uncovered his water gun, and grinned maniacally.
"Success!" he said to himself. "All I need now is some more plain yoghurt, and lots of it!"
So Reno went to the supermarket. He bought many tubs of plain yoghurt, and dashed outside with a smile to load up the water pistol.
"I can't wait!" he cried. Rude appeared beside him.
"…can't wait for what?" he asked, eyeing Reno suspiciously through his dark glasses. Reno hid the water gun behind his back.
"Uh…hi Rude. I can't wait to eat all this yoghurt, yeah, that's it," he said. Rude smiled.
"…never knew you liked yoghurt so much," he muttered, before disappearing into the supermarket. Reno let out a sigh of relief.
"That was too close…" he muttered to himself. He finished loading the water gun, and grinned widely, before striking a triumphant pose.
"The bird-poo gun of doom strikes back!" he cried. He loaded the remaining pots of yoghurt into the backpack he brought with him, and dashed off to find his fist victim.
Reeve was calmly relaxing outside, away from all the paperwork, and stress.
"Such a lovely day…I could get used to this," he said softly. He closed his eyes, and began to take a nap.
Reno spotted Reeve a few meters away, and giggled to himself.
It looks like Reeve's taking a nap!…perfect… he thought, hiding behind a random pipe. He peered over the top of it, and aimed the gun at him. He squeezed the trigger, and watched a stream of yoghurt fly towards Reeve with lightning speed.
The yoghurt hit Reeve directly on his closed eyes, and he jerked awake, rubbing at his eyes furiously.
"Oh no! aw, disgusting! A bird just shat on me! Eww! I can't see! Help!" he cried, running in circles. Reno fell over, clutching his sides in pain as he laughed.
"Oh man…this…is…funny!" he gasped. He quickly made his escape to avoid being spotted, and went in search of a new target.
~ * ~
Scarlet was on her way back from the local bakery, and was stuffing her face with many chocolate croissants, when she heard footsteps behind her. She turned her chocolate-covered face around to see who was behind her, and saw no-one. Convinced that she was hearing things, she continued to waddle down the footpath.
I really should lose some weight…but these croissants taste SO good! She thought. She paused to remove another croissant from the brown paper bag, when she felt something land on her head.
"Huh?!" she exclaimed. She reached a hand up to touch her hair, and it came back with a white substance on it.
"Aaagh! Bird shit!" she cried.
Reno peered over the edge of the building that he was lying on and laughed heartily.
Got her! I got that fat cow! Hahaha! Oh, this is so great…I could do this forever… he thought, leaping off the building and scurrying down the alleyway to seek out his next victim.
~ * ~
Tseng was meandering around outside, looking half-heartedly for the president.
I don't want to interrupt him if he's…uh…busy with Cloud. He thought, a blush appearing on his face. He decided to make the most of his time out of the office, and simply take a stroll around. He held back a whoop of joy as he saw Scarlet, and what looked to be bird droppings in her hair…at least until she was out of earshot. He began to laugh quietly, clutching his sides.
"Oh, that was a sight for sore eyes…" he muttered. He felt something land on his head, and pulled a face.
Oh no… he thought. He dared to lift a hand up to his hair, and made a bigger face when he saw the white mess on his hands.
"Nooooo!" he cried, and ran off in the direction Scarlet went.
Reno watched this event with a smile on his face. He let out a single laugh, before realizing that he had just played a practical joke on his superior officer.
Oh nuts… this isn't good… if he finds out, I'm in deep… bird shit! Reno thought worriedly. He quickly left the scene.
~ * ~
Reno skipped along merrily, eating a chicken salad sandwich. He had decided to take a quick lunch break…because his stomach was growling, and we all know not to argue with our stomachs…
He saw Rude approaching him with a banana in one hand, and made sure the bird-poo gun of doom was out of sight.
"…Hi Reno," Rude said, taking a bite out of his banana. Reno couldn't help but think he looked rather monkey-like at that point, and stifled a giggle.
"Hi Rude! Is that your lunch?" he asked. The bald man nodded. Reno's eyes widened.
"But…won't you be hungry still?" he asked. Rude shook his head, and lifted up his other hand, which held a whole bunch of bananas. He grinned at his redheaded friend.
"…I have a whole bunch," he said slowly, and took another bite of his banana. Reno frowned.
"Rude, man…you feeling okay?" he asked. Rude shrugged.
"…yes, why?" he asked. Reno shook his head.
"Nothin, don't worry," he said. He smiled at the bald man.
"Look, I gotta go…I'll see ya around, Rude!" he said, before making a hasty escape. Rude waved.
"…Bye Reno!" he called after him.
~ * ~
In his rush to get away from Monkey-man Rude, Reno absently stumbled across Rufus and Cloud. They were making out in an alleyway. Reno reached for his bird-poo gun of doom, but his brain began to scream and jump up and down.
What the hell is the problem? He asked it.
~ You can't get them! Avoid hitting those who are of a higher rank, or those who are likely to retaliate! ~ his brain yelled.
Oh… right! He said, and continued walking past them. He spotted Aeris and Elena having a heated argument over the quality of her flowers, and smiled.
~ Bingo ~ his brain said.
No time for Bingo now, brain! I gotta get the ladies! He thought back. His brain deflated at that statement, and went into hibernation. Reno peered around the dumpster that was conveniently placed there, and took his aim…
"Elena! These flowers are pure and beautiful! They are grown in a holy place! What's wrong with them?!" Aeris asked. The female Turk picked one up.
"What's wrong with them?! They're all PINK! I HATE pink! And what's more, they're WILTED! That's what's WRONG with them!" Elena snapped. Aeris flinched.
"I'm sorry, Elena…they usually last longer, it's just the sun is so bright today…and as for the colour…there's nothing that can be done, short of dying them," she said. Elena pouted, and felt something hit her hair. She saw Aeris' eyes widen.
"E-Elena…you have, uh…bird poop in your hair…" she stuttered. Elena cringed.
"Really?" she asked. Aeris nodded honestly.
"Yes," she replied. Elena saw a white streak hit Aeris' hair and smiled.
"Oh, Aeris…seems like I'm not the only one!" she exclaimed. The two girls laughed.
Reno was mad. They didn't seem at all fazed by the 'crap' in their hair.
"This is getting boring…" Reno thought aloud. He began to pelt the two women with yoghurt, until they screamed and ran away.
"Heh, heh, heh…much better," he said. "Who's next?"
~ * ~
Cid and Vincent were strolling along together, both getting used to the idea of being together.
"I'm fuckin' hungry… let's find a place to have some goddamn food!" Cid said. Vincent sighed, but nodded.
"What's on your mind, Vinnie?" Cid asked, as they continued walking.
"…" Vincent said. Cid frowned, and lit up his next cigarette.
"Speak to me, Vincent! …Bloody silent types…"
"…It's your smoking," Vincent said. Cid took the cigarette from his mouth and stamped on it.
"Smoking? What smoking?" he said. Vincent smiled.
"…And your swearing," he said. Cid grinned.
"I'll not say a single swear word around you, unless there's a good reason for it" he said honestly. Vincent nodded, and saw Cid's eyes widen.
"Vincent…you've got shit in your hair," he said. The ebony-haired beauty frowned.
"…Cid…it's called hair gel…you said you wouldn't swear!" he said. Cid shook his head.
"No, really! You have bird shit in your hair!" he cried. Vincent frowned as he felt his hair.
"…ugh, gross…" he commented. He turned to Cid. "You know, you could have said 'poop' or something…"
Cid laughed.
"That's almost as bad as Cloud saying 'Let's mosey!'" he said. Vincent laughed.
"…can we get this stuff out of my hair now?" he asked. Cid nodded, but felt something land on his head, and saw Vincent laughing at him.
"Don't tell me… I've got bloody bird crap in my hair, haven't I?" he asked. Vincent nodded. Cid's eyes darkened.
"I never laughed at you…" he said. Vincent kept laughing. Cid began muttering curses, and stormed off, leaving Vincent behind.
"…Cid, wait!" Vincent called after him. He was ignored. "Oh darn…" he mumbled, and rushed off after him.
Reno smiled. That one was perfect. He always thought Vincent deserved someone better…like Tseng, or something. Not that crude, chain-smoker Cid.
I must let Tseng know that Vincent may soon be available…he'll be so happy! Reno thought. But right now, I need a beer! He thought, and trudged off to the nearest bar… which was Tifa's new bar, by the same name…7th Heaven.
~ * ~
Cloud was holding a small party for no reason… this is the list of people who were there;
Tseng
Scarlet
Aeris
Elena
Cid
Vincent
Reeve
That was all except for Reeve's brand-new imaginary friend called Pete. And Rufus of course, but he was holding the party with Cloud so he doesn't count.
All these people (Minus Pete, of course and the hosts) had one thing in common;
They had all suffered because of Reno's bird-poo gun of doom… only they didn't know it…
Reeve walked up to Rufus and Cloud, who were quietly talking and sipping martinis.
"Mr. President, sir?" Reeve asked. Rufus turned his attention to Reeve for a second.
"Yes, Reeve?" he asked. Reeve cleared his throat.
"And, Pete, sir," he said. Rufus looked around.
"Pete? Where is this Pete?" he asked. Reeve pointed beside him.
"Right here, sir," he said. Rufus looked at the empty space that Reeve was pointing to.
"Oh…yes, now I see him. Hello, Pete," he said. This guy get stranger every time I see him… Rufus thought. Reeve flinched.
"Uh, he's a little shy…" he said. Rufus nodded.
"Understandable…now, what is it you want, Reeve and Pete?" he asked. Reeve frowned.
"I was outside today, and a bird pooped on me" he said. Rufus couldn't stop the shocked look from appearing on his face.
"…Really…?" he asked. Reeve nodded.
"Yeah, and apparently it's attacked all the people here," he said. Cloud giggled.
"You mean it's pooped on everyone here?" he asked. Reeve nodded, completely serious. Rufus stood in front of everyone.
"Excuse me…I have a question," he said. Everyone's eyes went to him. Cloud stood beside him, looking up at him adoringly. He uttered a lovesick sigh.
"Reeve says that you all have been, uh…pooped on by a bird today," he said. Everyone nodded. Tseng looked away from Vincent and grimaced.
"Yeah…it was pretty bad, Rufus. But I could have sworn I heard laughter after I was pooped on. And it sounded a lot like Reno…" he said. Scarlet piped up next.
"Hey… Reno has done this kind of thing before! I bet it was him!" she said. Everyone muttered their agreements.
"I say we get the bugger back, and attack him with our own water guns!" Cid cried. Everyone yelled and cheered. So the entire party left to buy water guns and plain yoghurt. Rufus and Cloud went too, just because they wanted to help.
~ An hour later ~
Everyone was equipped and loaded, and they were ready for an all-out yoghurt war with Reno. Only problem was, they couldn't find him.
"Where could he be?" Vincent asked. Elena cleared her throat.
"Uh, I believe I know where he'll be" she said. "Gather around, I have a plan of attack!"
So they did.
~ * ~
Meanwhile, in Tifa's 7th Heaven…
"Hey! can I get another beer, here?" Reno asked the big-busted bartender. Tifa shook her head, but poured him another beer. Reno took a sip, and spit it out as he saw Rude enter the bar and sit down beside him.
"…Hi Reno." He said. Reno grimaced. The bald man was beginning to freak him out.
"Uh, hi Rude…" he said, inching away from him. They sat in silence for a while, just drinking.
"Reno?"
"Yes, Rude…?" Reno asked.
"Do you like bananas?" he asked. Reno sweatdropped.
"No, Rude…I don't like bananas…" he said. Rude sighed.
"Do you like me?" he asked. Reno screamed, and raced outside, only to be greeted by all his victims surrounding him, equipped with their own bird-poo guns of doom.
"Oh shit…" Reno said, as he was hit by tons and tons of fake shit. Okay, yoghurt.
In a matter of minutes, Reno was completely coated in yoghurt. Everyone stood and laughed heartily at the scene. Reno felt really stink.
Hmm, how can I get them back? He wondered
~ Shake like a dog! Get them all in one go! ~ his newly-awakened brain said. Reno grinned through the yoghurt, and began to shake violently, covering everyone with plain yoghurt. He sneered at them all.
"Who's laughing now, huh?" he asked, and walked off with a carefree laugh.
That's the last time I use the bird-poo gun of doom…maybe…
Dun dun dun…
The End…?
Eheheheh…sorry, Smeegee. About the whole dissing Cid thing…I'M SORRY!
I was in a nasty mood! I was mean to Reno once, too!
No good…must go look at pictures of Quatre to soothe my nastiness!!
Aww…Quatre…
~ Wannon-chan ~
Egad! That was FUNNY! But ::sobs:: my poor, poor Cid!
Hope you enjoyed this story; please share your opinion and review!
~Smeegee-chan~
