+ Title: Struggling to Fly
+ Author: sailor c. ryoko
+ Rating: R
+ Pairings: 1+/x3. 1+2. 3+2. (eventual 1x2x3). 5x4. past Tsuberov x Une (.).
+ Ages: Une is 33. Tsuberov is 40.
+ Email: [email protected]
+ Warnings: shounen-ai/yaoi. threesome. Duo POV. lots o' angst. OOC. in some ways... TWT.. (sorta). language. unrequited love (at first) on Duo's part. some action (i think..). post-war. EW never occurred.
+ Disclaimer: I, apparently, do not own Gundam Wing.
+ Notes: this is my first threesome.. so... please go easy on me. ^^ and um.. Tsuberov knows martial arts *real* good-either can match g-boys or surpass 'em.. I think... ^^;; plus.. yea, I know. Tsuberov x Une?? o.O ..but I had to find someone who was would fit the part as mean and was older.. sorry for those of you who like Une.. ^^;; ..note: it is, however, *past* Tsuberov x Une as stated.
+ Synopsis: Being an outcast in society, Duo struggles with only what little he has to cope with life in the present. However, unwanted problems about his past begin to arise for the braided beauty that may prevent him from having any future at all.
*****
Part 01
*****
Two. hundred. credits.
Piece'a shit, man. I'only got two hundred frickin' credits left!
I let out a long sigh; one being 'cause of the fact that I was whining (good lord, I was *whining*..), and two being of the realization that struck when I was done calculating what little money I have left. Jeez, why couldn't it be like a couple hundreds years ago when a whole meal of food cost only a buck or two?? If it was, hell, I'd be rich with two hundred credits. But instead, noo~.. stupid goods and services gotta keep up with inflation. Damn stupid inflation-okay, so I was whining again. Sue me.
--Shuddup.
A glare.
..But y'know... I've often wondered over and over with the same stupid question stuck in my head for the past two weeks, berating and frustrating myself to no end every time I question myself: why the hell don't I just give up and join the Preventers like what Heero and the others had done? I mean, think about it. Why the hell would one wanna agonize and exasperate himself considerably, knowing that in this damn society, it'd take a frickin' miracle to have anyone hire an ex-gundam pilot for a job.
I plopped down onto my bed, lying on my stomach and let out an exhausted groan.
Yeah.. I know. Pretty stupid thing to be getting myself all worked up over, huh? I rolled over onto my back and tucked my hands under my head, staring at nothing in general. Perhaps, in a different situation, I suppose.. but when you have almost the whole goddamn Earth Sphere hating you're guts for who you are-correction: *were*, I think just "getting myself worked up" would be but a trivial thing to do.
Sometimes.. I still can't believe that it was only three months ago-two months after the end of the war-that a surprisingly undead Tsuberov had risen from the grave. But then again, when I wake up to reality and reflect back on all the things he's done that has caused anything but contentment towards the five of us, yeah.. okay. I can believe it. Hm.. I could still recall the day when I turned on the vid screen and my eyes widened in surprise as I saw the news reporter suddenly talking about him and then the screen shifting to his ugly face as he stood on a stage behind a podium, opening his mouth, ready to make his damn speech. To say at the least, I was totally pissed off when he had finished speaking ten minutes later-it'd taken the slam of a door (that broke its hinges, might I add), a seven-block run to the beach, the release of a loud-ass scream of frustration followed by a half-hour swim in the ocean, and a three hour 'ponder-and-reflect' mode before I was able to get rid of the fury and the distraught that bubbled within me. Yeah.. I was *that* pissed-that... upset.
Y'wanna know what made it all the worse though?
..The frickin' people's reactions to his speech.
Okay.. I swear, I would tell you what he'd said in the first place but then, I'd be just wasting my breath, droning on and on about all of the bullshit that'd come out of his mouth. To just sum it all up-plus the majority of the people's reactions-in simpler terms?... Let's just say that he's convinced them (from Romafeller's attack on the Cinq Kingdom during the war) that Relena's total pacifistic ways are a truckload of bullshit and the Earth Sphere needs military armed soldiers patrolling the streets to-supposedly-'protect' mankind from those who're threats to society; aka, the five of us.
I sighed. After the speech was made, everything became a down spiral for the five of us-and it was all because of Tsuberov's doing.
When I'd gotten home later, after letting out everything I'd felt at the beach, I'd found myself and my house swarmed and bombarded with questions, cameras, and nosy-ass fuckin' reporters, trying to get information out of me. I wanted to growl and shove 'em outta my way-I wasn't in a good mood, after all-but I knew that that would only make them believe that we were 'mentally unstable', as Tsuberov had put it. So instead, I'd just pushed my way through the crowd and slammed the door shut behind me when I'd entered our house. But the sight that greeted was anything but pleasant.
Seven old geezers, docs I presume, were putting tubes and wires on four angry gundam pilots (whom were trying very hard to restrain their anger, I mean), whilst a goddamn smirking Tsuberov stood nearby with a camera crew beside him.
My eyes blazed in fury.
"Tsuberov! What the fuck's goin' on here?" This time I didn't restrain the snarl.
"Why Duo Maxwell! You finally showed up!" he piped. "Well.. being the nice person I am-", I snorted and added a 'yeah right'-that he promptly ignored.. "-I decided to give you guys a chance to prove that the five of you are not mentally unstable as I've stated." He paused. "So, here I am."
I whipped my gaze, locking them with Heero's, then Trowa's, then the others' before going back to Heero's again. They didn't say anything but they knew they couldn't do anything either. One of the old geezers came up behind me to push me towards the fifth and empty seat but I violently shrugged him off. "I can walk myself," came my scowl.
Like the others, tubes and wires that were connected to machines were being placed on my forehead, temples, and all other sorts of places; the stupid examination lasted for a half-hour.
"Well?!" Quatre was the one to voice all of our impatience as we waited for another ten minutes as the stupid docs summed up their damn analysis.
One of them stepped up from the others as the camera turned on and faced the docs and us. "We're sorry to inform you-"
"Don't you dare say it, old man! We're all perfectly fine, damn you!!" I knew what he was gonna say before he even finished; the first two words told us so. I wanted to grab the damn doc's shirt but Heero's outstretched arm halted me. My attention whipped to him, my incredulous expression apparent on my face. I was ready to open my mouth but I halted. Though he wasn't looking at me, the small silently angered shake of his head was all I needed to know and I backed down because I knew he was right; as much as I hated to admit it, if I jumped forward then, I'd only make things even worse than they were now. The people would really believe then that we were 'mentally unstable'. Fuckin' people can all go to Hell for all I care. So I was fuckin' bitter. Sue me.
Fury instantly bubbled and downright blazed within me because I knew that those damn bastards were going to royally fuck up ours lives and yet, I could do *nothing* about it except stand there and watch them do so. So as a substitute, I settled for an intensely heated glare that was directed at all of them, but mainly Tsuberov.
The same doc spoke again. "As I was saying.. We're sorry to inform you that from our scrutiny and psychoanalysis, we've concluded that the five of you are, indeed, mentally unstable and could cause great harm to other innocent people. We believe it's best that you all be incarcerated until new and further examination, if any, states that you all are in perfect mental health."
We would've been arrested that day, had it not been for Relena and her associates who'd busted into the room then and objected to Tsuberov's wishes. That was three months ago, like I'd said, and that dispute of having us detained is still goin' on ever since-which is the only reason why we're not in confinement right now. Hm.. I have a feeling we're fighting a losing battle though..
But well.. to tell you the truth, I dunno whether that's a good thing or not-about us not being in confinement, I mean. The five of us had been shunned by the majority of the society since then, all of them having broken every rule of a thing called 'peace'. There are only a few-such as those who work in the Preventers, an orphanage we frequently go to, and some others-that don't treat us like anything other than how we deserved to be treated: like human beings.
S'funny, y'know.. how in the eyes of billions, we've changed from becoming war heroes, receiving a medal of honor and a reward of two point five g's, to disgusting, psychotic, and dangerous-.
A knock on my bedroom door broke my thought before I could finish it and I turned my head slightly, glancing at the door in slight curiosity. "Come in."
The door opened silently and to my utter surprise, Heero strode in. My eyes widened and my lips curled into a smile but I quickly replaced it with an expression of indifference as I pushed myself up into a sitting position, legs crossed.
"Hey, Heero."
I noticed he seemed hesitant to come in, much less say anything at all. "..Duo... Um.. can I.. can I speak to you about something?" He closed the door behind him and looked.. fidgety; he kept looking at his own toes as they slightly wiggled in the soft grey carpet beneath them. Damn, he did not know how cute and unbelievably sexy he looked, especially when he was only wearing his loose navy blue tank top and his black boxers then.
But staring at him now.. it makes me smile as I ponder back on why I'd actually fallen for him in the first place. During the war, he'd.. intrigued me in more ways than one. Whether it was his remote, indifferent exterior, his rare, inner vulnerability, his passion for his cause, or perhaps, even his manic-crazed laughter.. I didn't know what it was then even after all that 'think-it-through-and-decipher' mode, but I knew now. It was all of them-all of *him*. And after a long road of confusion and denial, I'd finally come to admit the realization that, yeah.. I was head-over-fuckin'-heals about Heero Yuy.
I never told him though, if that's what you're wondering. In all the five months that I've stayed with him-well, him and Trowa, no... never *did* have the guts to tell him. Perhaps.. s'bout time I stopped beating around the bushes and tell him straight-out instead. I mean, I have a perfect opportunity in front of me right now, right? Plus, I *do* have a fifty-fifty chance of him accepting or of him.... hmph. Yeah.. it's *'cause* I have a fifty-fifty chance which I why I ain't sayin' anything in the first place.
A sigh.
Yeah... I'm really afraid of his reaction-afraid of his rejection, okay? I mean, if he did reject me.. I know I wouldn't be able to ever face him again, let alone be in the same room with him. Even *if*, by any chance, he offers that we still be friends.. I seriously doubt everything will be the same as before 'cause there's always gonna be that awkward silence between us..
Ack! I'm thinkin' too much again. Too much doubts; I swear I gotta stop doing that. Like I said, no more beating around the bush. I'mma just get it over with. If he.. if he *does* reject me, then.. then that's it. I'mma run and I'mma hide... like I always do. S'nothing new here. So, okay. For sure-before I begin to think too much again, I'm gonna tell him how I feel after he's come to tell me what he wants to say.
"..Duo..?"
I lifted my head up when I heard my name. "Hm..?"
"Uh... Are you busy? Because if you are, we can talk later," came his quickly mumbled voice. He was about to go-he looked kinda eager to go too, yet at the same, disappointed as well. However, my abrupt shout of 'Wait!' halted him in his tracks.
"No.. don't go. ..Sorry, I was just thinkin' about something.. So..." I drawled on and moved to my left, all the while patting the bed beside me as if to offer him a seat. "..what is it you wanted to speak to me about?" I looked up curiously at him.
He looked momentarily relieved that I didn't shoo him off and a soft smile crept onto his features. He granted me a nod of a silent thanks before making his way onto a cross-legged sitting position like me. It was ineptly silent between us; I didn't wanna push him into saying anything that was uncomfortable even though my mind drifted off, wondering what he wanted to talk to me about. While he, on the other hand, was struggling to find words that could express what he wanted to say. The silent droned on but I didn't complain; it only gave me more time to stare at his beautiful face and think of that... unbelievably simple, yet gorgeous smile he flashed at me only minutes before. I swear, if he were to lift his gaze up then and stare at me in confusion.. good lord, I'll be frickin' blushing like there was no tomorrow-and that is *not* good, if you ask me.
I groaned.
..In which I did not intend to do so out loud, because Heero looked up and stared at me with confusion but a touch of.. fear.. in his orbs as well. Automatically, I flashed a nervous grin at him and a chuckle that followed not long after.
He seemed to loosen up a bit more, joining my chuckle afterwards at our awkward situation.
"I was going to say.. well.." He paused and took a deep breath and let it out slowly before continuing again. "In the past five months that we've been staying together, I've.. well.. I was confused at what I felt at first but then I became conscious that, without a doubt, I *did* feel a great attraction to... um... uh...." he resumed frantically, not daring to continue that on, "-b..b..but I didn't know where to start or how to continue once I actually admitted and accepted my realization..." He paused then, to-I presume-let me take in what he just told me.
To say at the least, I didn't know what the hell to say to him. With my heart pounding even louder with every word that'd left his mouth, every hope in me escalated and built up tenfold at the recognition that he really could possibly feel the same way towards *me*..
"I..I don't know what to do, Duo. I don't know how to face this, don't know how to proceed from here on from the fact that I lo-.." He's gonna say it.. oh my god.. he's gonna say it.. and to *me*, no less! ..I knew I looked really hopeful then and in many ways, desperate, but I just couldn't hold it in. He turned his head away from me, embarrassed. "..that.. that I.. love Trowa."
I froze.
For a second there, I could really *feel* my heart actually beat one more time before coming to a halt, the hopeful smile that was once on my face only seconds prior.. had fallen to the floor with a silent crash and everything had just... stopped.
My hands were trembling slightly in my lap, but the movement was distant to me. I could vaguely feel that it was there, however, the sudden chill that overwhelmed me blocked everything out. Everything just seemed so.. cold and distant all of a sudden.. But.. the window is closed, so how did it suddenly get so cold in here...?
I felt a hand on my arm and.. I knew I couldn't help it; it was an automatic response. I flinched away, as if suddenly burnt. My gaze lifted and landed on the person in front of me-Heero. Suddenly, I couldn't hear what he just started saying. I could only hear the echoing mantra of the last three words he'd said; I love Trowa.. I love Trowa.. I love Trowa.. ...
My eyes shut tightly and my head was in my hands before I knew it. I don't wanna hear it anymore!
' I love Trowa.. '
Stop it, dammit! Stop!!
' I love Trowa.. '
Fuck!! Why won't it stop..?
' I love Trowa.. '
Please.. I don't wanna hear anything anymore...
Two firm hands on my arms shook me out of my own little world. I didn't know who it was, nor did I care. I'd found out later that struggling in the person's grasp was of no use so I lashed out at my adversary instead.
"Fuckin' lemme go, you asshole!" I didn't give a shit who was holding me down, who had successfully pinned me to my bed after a long scuffle. God.. I just wanted the increasing ache in my chest to just stop...
"-uo, stop it!!" I opened my eyes then, panting, and stared at Heero Yuy-no, glared at him. But whether it was because of the fact that he had me pinned or because of his.. confession, I didn't know. Nor did I have the heart to care at the moment. He was panting as well but seemed unfazed by my glare. So, we just stayed in that position, me glaring and inwardly growing wearily while he had the lost and confused, yet worried look on his face. I wasn't sure how much time had passed by but by then, he must've figured I wasn't going to doing anything that scared the shit out've him anymore because he let me go and slowly released my wrists and got off of me. I almost wished he didn't... but then, I'd just be kidding myself again..
I pushed myself up and scooted backwards, up until my back was leaning against the headboard and my pillow was in my arms as an unconscious form of comfort.. somehow...
"Duo.. what's wrong..? Is it what I said..?" He was hesitant, I could tell without having to look at him; I didn't wanna face him at the moment.. But I could've sworn there was fear in his voice too... Perhaps, he's afraid of *my* rejection to his confession..?
I swallowed, my face contorting with disgust and anger-at myself. Guilt found its way through my guts and my heart then. How could I-! God.. all I cared about was myself; I didn't even bother to look at the situation from his point of view... I'm such a fuckin' bastard.
I looked up then, trying unsuccessfully to swallow the lump in my throat. I was right; there *was* fear there.. Guilt ripped its way through my stomach, swimming viciously to my heart and sinking its sharp, poisonous fangs into the core. Yeah, such a selfish fuckin' bastard, ne?
"No, Heero. I just.. I dunno. Something triggered my thoughts about my past.. I'm sorry-I didn't mean to be.. to... I'm sorry.." Yeah.. so I was lying. I know I'm breaking my own 'I run and I hide, but I don't lie' motto.. You can call my a fuckin' hypocrite or whatever, but y'know what? Frankly, I really don't give a flying fuck about any shit anymore. Everything's come crashing down now.. There's nothing I got left.. No more hope anymore for anything... So, as long as I keep my own fucked up shit to myself, I don't really care what I do anymore.. because it doesn't really matter..
"Oh.. Are you sure, Duo? Because you-."
I looked at him straight in the eye; it's the only way I know that could get him to believe what I wanna say. "Y'know I don't lie right, Heero?" I forced a small 'everything's-okay' smile onto my face. God.. why was it so hard to smile now..?
He seemed tentative and unwilling to believe me since it took him awhile to respond, but he did eventually because he offered his own nod of agreement and his own smile of an unspoken thanks. A wave of relief poured over me, but for some reason my hands were shaking uncontrollably again; I ended up sitting on them to keep the facade up and going. But deep down, I knew each crack was a stab to the heart and I was spiraling downwards even more. I was screaming on the inside and, God.. all I wanted to do was reach out to him and spill everything to him then-'bout all of the fuckin' crap of the shit hole of a life I'm having, 'bout all of my feelings of how I feel about him, and 'bout how it's so tiring to just keep my mask on nowadays.. but I couldn't. One part of me hated myself for being so fuckin' stubborn and so afraid because I didn't want things to change, for I knew that if it did, it'd be for the worse. And then the other part of me hated myself for being so weak to wanna even want to seek any type of.. comfort in the first place. But fuck.. seeing that smile on his beautiful face... fuckin' shit! Why the hell did I ever fall for him?? Why the fuck did it have to be him? Why the fuckin' hell did he even tell me anything in the first place?! I didn't wanna know; I'd rather live in my fuckin' fantasy, dreaming that maybe.. just *maybe*, I'd have a fuckin' chance with him. So, why..?
I was breaking up inside, I knew that. I was cold like fuck and my chest hurt-s'hurting so much that it ached to just fuckin' breathe.. I knew I cracking into one-fuckin'-thousand pieces and yet some-fuckin'-how, in the end.. my mask has always been able to be there for me. I just wish the pressure wasn't so heavy so it wouldn't be so hard to keep it up now..
"..Heero. I know you wanna ask me to help you with something, so what is it?" Just please hurry up and ask, Heero. I'm so tired.. So tired of everything...
"I.. I don't know how to continue or how to approach this. But I do know that I want him to be there with me. Duo, you know more about these stuff than I ever could. So will you.. will you help 'hook us up', as you would say it?"
I could do nothing but stare at him. He was asking me to hook him-the one I love-and Trowa up.. I didn't have anything against Trowa-he's one of my best friends after all, but.. I don't want to-I know I was being selfish but.. I don't care! I don't want to...
"It's okay, Duo. You don't have to. I.. I was just asking.." God, he sounded so dejected.. Fuck. Could guilt get at you any more worse than it already has..?
His shoulders slumped; it was a small movement but I saw it, nonetheless. He really cares for him..
..Apparently, guilt can get any worse. So can your heart too..
I smiled. It wasn't bitter, but it wasn't a sweet one either. Just a plain and simple smile. You're a lucky man, Trowa..
"Heero.." I started. He glanced my way at the sound of his name and I saw a great amount of hope plus an equal amount of fear there.
"..Will you help me, Duo?" His voice was so soft I almost couldn't hear him, and so childlike.. like as if someone was trying to tell a child that Santa wasn't real..
And dammit, he looked so pleading... and Heero Yuy never looked pleading..
Again, I swallowed the lump in my throat. And with all that I could, I held back everything that was weighing down on me that could've made me completely crack then.. and I opened my mouth to whisper the two hardest words ever in my life.
"..Yeah.. sure..."
*****
tbc...
*****
So.. what do you guys think? Please review!! ^__^ Yes, I *crave* feedback. ^.~
+ Author: sailor c. ryoko
+ Rating: R
+ Pairings: 1+/x3. 1+2. 3+2. (eventual 1x2x3). 5x4. past Tsuberov x Une (.).
+ Ages: Une is 33. Tsuberov is 40.
+ Email: [email protected]
+ Warnings: shounen-ai/yaoi. threesome. Duo POV. lots o' angst. OOC. in some ways... TWT.. (sorta). language. unrequited love (at first) on Duo's part. some action (i think..). post-war. EW never occurred.
+ Disclaimer: I, apparently, do not own Gundam Wing.
+ Notes: this is my first threesome.. so... please go easy on me. ^^ and um.. Tsuberov knows martial arts *real* good-either can match g-boys or surpass 'em.. I think... ^^;; plus.. yea, I know. Tsuberov x Une?? o.O ..but I had to find someone who was would fit the part as mean and was older.. sorry for those of you who like Une.. ^^;; ..note: it is, however, *past* Tsuberov x Une as stated.
+ Synopsis: Being an outcast in society, Duo struggles with only what little he has to cope with life in the present. However, unwanted problems about his past begin to arise for the braided beauty that may prevent him from having any future at all.
*****
Part 01
*****
Two. hundred. credits.
Piece'a shit, man. I'only got two hundred frickin' credits left!
I let out a long sigh; one being 'cause of the fact that I was whining (good lord, I was *whining*..), and two being of the realization that struck when I was done calculating what little money I have left. Jeez, why couldn't it be like a couple hundreds years ago when a whole meal of food cost only a buck or two?? If it was, hell, I'd be rich with two hundred credits. But instead, noo~.. stupid goods and services gotta keep up with inflation. Damn stupid inflation-okay, so I was whining again. Sue me.
--Shuddup.
A glare.
..But y'know... I've often wondered over and over with the same stupid question stuck in my head for the past two weeks, berating and frustrating myself to no end every time I question myself: why the hell don't I just give up and join the Preventers like what Heero and the others had done? I mean, think about it. Why the hell would one wanna agonize and exasperate himself considerably, knowing that in this damn society, it'd take a frickin' miracle to have anyone hire an ex-gundam pilot for a job.
I plopped down onto my bed, lying on my stomach and let out an exhausted groan.
Yeah.. I know. Pretty stupid thing to be getting myself all worked up over, huh? I rolled over onto my back and tucked my hands under my head, staring at nothing in general. Perhaps, in a different situation, I suppose.. but when you have almost the whole goddamn Earth Sphere hating you're guts for who you are-correction: *were*, I think just "getting myself worked up" would be but a trivial thing to do.
Sometimes.. I still can't believe that it was only three months ago-two months after the end of the war-that a surprisingly undead Tsuberov had risen from the grave. But then again, when I wake up to reality and reflect back on all the things he's done that has caused anything but contentment towards the five of us, yeah.. okay. I can believe it. Hm.. I could still recall the day when I turned on the vid screen and my eyes widened in surprise as I saw the news reporter suddenly talking about him and then the screen shifting to his ugly face as he stood on a stage behind a podium, opening his mouth, ready to make his damn speech. To say at the least, I was totally pissed off when he had finished speaking ten minutes later-it'd taken the slam of a door (that broke its hinges, might I add), a seven-block run to the beach, the release of a loud-ass scream of frustration followed by a half-hour swim in the ocean, and a three hour 'ponder-and-reflect' mode before I was able to get rid of the fury and the distraught that bubbled within me. Yeah.. I was *that* pissed-that... upset.
Y'wanna know what made it all the worse though?
..The frickin' people's reactions to his speech.
Okay.. I swear, I would tell you what he'd said in the first place but then, I'd be just wasting my breath, droning on and on about all of the bullshit that'd come out of his mouth. To just sum it all up-plus the majority of the people's reactions-in simpler terms?... Let's just say that he's convinced them (from Romafeller's attack on the Cinq Kingdom during the war) that Relena's total pacifistic ways are a truckload of bullshit and the Earth Sphere needs military armed soldiers patrolling the streets to-supposedly-'protect' mankind from those who're threats to society; aka, the five of us.
I sighed. After the speech was made, everything became a down spiral for the five of us-and it was all because of Tsuberov's doing.
When I'd gotten home later, after letting out everything I'd felt at the beach, I'd found myself and my house swarmed and bombarded with questions, cameras, and nosy-ass fuckin' reporters, trying to get information out of me. I wanted to growl and shove 'em outta my way-I wasn't in a good mood, after all-but I knew that that would only make them believe that we were 'mentally unstable', as Tsuberov had put it. So instead, I'd just pushed my way through the crowd and slammed the door shut behind me when I'd entered our house. But the sight that greeted was anything but pleasant.
Seven old geezers, docs I presume, were putting tubes and wires on four angry gundam pilots (whom were trying very hard to restrain their anger, I mean), whilst a goddamn smirking Tsuberov stood nearby with a camera crew beside him.
My eyes blazed in fury.
"Tsuberov! What the fuck's goin' on here?" This time I didn't restrain the snarl.
"Why Duo Maxwell! You finally showed up!" he piped. "Well.. being the nice person I am-", I snorted and added a 'yeah right'-that he promptly ignored.. "-I decided to give you guys a chance to prove that the five of you are not mentally unstable as I've stated." He paused. "So, here I am."
I whipped my gaze, locking them with Heero's, then Trowa's, then the others' before going back to Heero's again. They didn't say anything but they knew they couldn't do anything either. One of the old geezers came up behind me to push me towards the fifth and empty seat but I violently shrugged him off. "I can walk myself," came my scowl.
Like the others, tubes and wires that were connected to machines were being placed on my forehead, temples, and all other sorts of places; the stupid examination lasted for a half-hour.
"Well?!" Quatre was the one to voice all of our impatience as we waited for another ten minutes as the stupid docs summed up their damn analysis.
One of them stepped up from the others as the camera turned on and faced the docs and us. "We're sorry to inform you-"
"Don't you dare say it, old man! We're all perfectly fine, damn you!!" I knew what he was gonna say before he even finished; the first two words told us so. I wanted to grab the damn doc's shirt but Heero's outstretched arm halted me. My attention whipped to him, my incredulous expression apparent on my face. I was ready to open my mouth but I halted. Though he wasn't looking at me, the small silently angered shake of his head was all I needed to know and I backed down because I knew he was right; as much as I hated to admit it, if I jumped forward then, I'd only make things even worse than they were now. The people would really believe then that we were 'mentally unstable'. Fuckin' people can all go to Hell for all I care. So I was fuckin' bitter. Sue me.
Fury instantly bubbled and downright blazed within me because I knew that those damn bastards were going to royally fuck up ours lives and yet, I could do *nothing* about it except stand there and watch them do so. So as a substitute, I settled for an intensely heated glare that was directed at all of them, but mainly Tsuberov.
The same doc spoke again. "As I was saying.. We're sorry to inform you that from our scrutiny and psychoanalysis, we've concluded that the five of you are, indeed, mentally unstable and could cause great harm to other innocent people. We believe it's best that you all be incarcerated until new and further examination, if any, states that you all are in perfect mental health."
We would've been arrested that day, had it not been for Relena and her associates who'd busted into the room then and objected to Tsuberov's wishes. That was three months ago, like I'd said, and that dispute of having us detained is still goin' on ever since-which is the only reason why we're not in confinement right now. Hm.. I have a feeling we're fighting a losing battle though..
But well.. to tell you the truth, I dunno whether that's a good thing or not-about us not being in confinement, I mean. The five of us had been shunned by the majority of the society since then, all of them having broken every rule of a thing called 'peace'. There are only a few-such as those who work in the Preventers, an orphanage we frequently go to, and some others-that don't treat us like anything other than how we deserved to be treated: like human beings.
S'funny, y'know.. how in the eyes of billions, we've changed from becoming war heroes, receiving a medal of honor and a reward of two point five g's, to disgusting, psychotic, and dangerous-.
A knock on my bedroom door broke my thought before I could finish it and I turned my head slightly, glancing at the door in slight curiosity. "Come in."
The door opened silently and to my utter surprise, Heero strode in. My eyes widened and my lips curled into a smile but I quickly replaced it with an expression of indifference as I pushed myself up into a sitting position, legs crossed.
"Hey, Heero."
I noticed he seemed hesitant to come in, much less say anything at all. "..Duo... Um.. can I.. can I speak to you about something?" He closed the door behind him and looked.. fidgety; he kept looking at his own toes as they slightly wiggled in the soft grey carpet beneath them. Damn, he did not know how cute and unbelievably sexy he looked, especially when he was only wearing his loose navy blue tank top and his black boxers then.
But staring at him now.. it makes me smile as I ponder back on why I'd actually fallen for him in the first place. During the war, he'd.. intrigued me in more ways than one. Whether it was his remote, indifferent exterior, his rare, inner vulnerability, his passion for his cause, or perhaps, even his manic-crazed laughter.. I didn't know what it was then even after all that 'think-it-through-and-decipher' mode, but I knew now. It was all of them-all of *him*. And after a long road of confusion and denial, I'd finally come to admit the realization that, yeah.. I was head-over-fuckin'-heals about Heero Yuy.
I never told him though, if that's what you're wondering. In all the five months that I've stayed with him-well, him and Trowa, no... never *did* have the guts to tell him. Perhaps.. s'bout time I stopped beating around the bushes and tell him straight-out instead. I mean, I have a perfect opportunity in front of me right now, right? Plus, I *do* have a fifty-fifty chance of him accepting or of him.... hmph. Yeah.. it's *'cause* I have a fifty-fifty chance which I why I ain't sayin' anything in the first place.
A sigh.
Yeah... I'm really afraid of his reaction-afraid of his rejection, okay? I mean, if he did reject me.. I know I wouldn't be able to ever face him again, let alone be in the same room with him. Even *if*, by any chance, he offers that we still be friends.. I seriously doubt everything will be the same as before 'cause there's always gonna be that awkward silence between us..
Ack! I'm thinkin' too much again. Too much doubts; I swear I gotta stop doing that. Like I said, no more beating around the bush. I'mma just get it over with. If he.. if he *does* reject me, then.. then that's it. I'mma run and I'mma hide... like I always do. S'nothing new here. So, okay. For sure-before I begin to think too much again, I'm gonna tell him how I feel after he's come to tell me what he wants to say.
"..Duo..?"
I lifted my head up when I heard my name. "Hm..?"
"Uh... Are you busy? Because if you are, we can talk later," came his quickly mumbled voice. He was about to go-he looked kinda eager to go too, yet at the same, disappointed as well. However, my abrupt shout of 'Wait!' halted him in his tracks.
"No.. don't go. ..Sorry, I was just thinkin' about something.. So..." I drawled on and moved to my left, all the while patting the bed beside me as if to offer him a seat. "..what is it you wanted to speak to me about?" I looked up curiously at him.
He looked momentarily relieved that I didn't shoo him off and a soft smile crept onto his features. He granted me a nod of a silent thanks before making his way onto a cross-legged sitting position like me. It was ineptly silent between us; I didn't wanna push him into saying anything that was uncomfortable even though my mind drifted off, wondering what he wanted to talk to me about. While he, on the other hand, was struggling to find words that could express what he wanted to say. The silent droned on but I didn't complain; it only gave me more time to stare at his beautiful face and think of that... unbelievably simple, yet gorgeous smile he flashed at me only minutes before. I swear, if he were to lift his gaze up then and stare at me in confusion.. good lord, I'll be frickin' blushing like there was no tomorrow-and that is *not* good, if you ask me.
I groaned.
..In which I did not intend to do so out loud, because Heero looked up and stared at me with confusion but a touch of.. fear.. in his orbs as well. Automatically, I flashed a nervous grin at him and a chuckle that followed not long after.
He seemed to loosen up a bit more, joining my chuckle afterwards at our awkward situation.
"I was going to say.. well.." He paused and took a deep breath and let it out slowly before continuing again. "In the past five months that we've been staying together, I've.. well.. I was confused at what I felt at first but then I became conscious that, without a doubt, I *did* feel a great attraction to... um... uh...." he resumed frantically, not daring to continue that on, "-b..b..but I didn't know where to start or how to continue once I actually admitted and accepted my realization..." He paused then, to-I presume-let me take in what he just told me.
To say at the least, I didn't know what the hell to say to him. With my heart pounding even louder with every word that'd left his mouth, every hope in me escalated and built up tenfold at the recognition that he really could possibly feel the same way towards *me*..
"I..I don't know what to do, Duo. I don't know how to face this, don't know how to proceed from here on from the fact that I lo-.." He's gonna say it.. oh my god.. he's gonna say it.. and to *me*, no less! ..I knew I looked really hopeful then and in many ways, desperate, but I just couldn't hold it in. He turned his head away from me, embarrassed. "..that.. that I.. love Trowa."
I froze.
For a second there, I could really *feel* my heart actually beat one more time before coming to a halt, the hopeful smile that was once on my face only seconds prior.. had fallen to the floor with a silent crash and everything had just... stopped.
My hands were trembling slightly in my lap, but the movement was distant to me. I could vaguely feel that it was there, however, the sudden chill that overwhelmed me blocked everything out. Everything just seemed so.. cold and distant all of a sudden.. But.. the window is closed, so how did it suddenly get so cold in here...?
I felt a hand on my arm and.. I knew I couldn't help it; it was an automatic response. I flinched away, as if suddenly burnt. My gaze lifted and landed on the person in front of me-Heero. Suddenly, I couldn't hear what he just started saying. I could only hear the echoing mantra of the last three words he'd said; I love Trowa.. I love Trowa.. I love Trowa.. ...
My eyes shut tightly and my head was in my hands before I knew it. I don't wanna hear it anymore!
' I love Trowa.. '
Stop it, dammit! Stop!!
' I love Trowa.. '
Fuck!! Why won't it stop..?
' I love Trowa.. '
Please.. I don't wanna hear anything anymore...
Two firm hands on my arms shook me out of my own little world. I didn't know who it was, nor did I care. I'd found out later that struggling in the person's grasp was of no use so I lashed out at my adversary instead.
"Fuckin' lemme go, you asshole!" I didn't give a shit who was holding me down, who had successfully pinned me to my bed after a long scuffle. God.. I just wanted the increasing ache in my chest to just stop...
"-uo, stop it!!" I opened my eyes then, panting, and stared at Heero Yuy-no, glared at him. But whether it was because of the fact that he had me pinned or because of his.. confession, I didn't know. Nor did I have the heart to care at the moment. He was panting as well but seemed unfazed by my glare. So, we just stayed in that position, me glaring and inwardly growing wearily while he had the lost and confused, yet worried look on his face. I wasn't sure how much time had passed by but by then, he must've figured I wasn't going to doing anything that scared the shit out've him anymore because he let me go and slowly released my wrists and got off of me. I almost wished he didn't... but then, I'd just be kidding myself again..
I pushed myself up and scooted backwards, up until my back was leaning against the headboard and my pillow was in my arms as an unconscious form of comfort.. somehow...
"Duo.. what's wrong..? Is it what I said..?" He was hesitant, I could tell without having to look at him; I didn't wanna face him at the moment.. But I could've sworn there was fear in his voice too... Perhaps, he's afraid of *my* rejection to his confession..?
I swallowed, my face contorting with disgust and anger-at myself. Guilt found its way through my guts and my heart then. How could I-! God.. all I cared about was myself; I didn't even bother to look at the situation from his point of view... I'm such a fuckin' bastard.
I looked up then, trying unsuccessfully to swallow the lump in my throat. I was right; there *was* fear there.. Guilt ripped its way through my stomach, swimming viciously to my heart and sinking its sharp, poisonous fangs into the core. Yeah, such a selfish fuckin' bastard, ne?
"No, Heero. I just.. I dunno. Something triggered my thoughts about my past.. I'm sorry-I didn't mean to be.. to... I'm sorry.." Yeah.. so I was lying. I know I'm breaking my own 'I run and I hide, but I don't lie' motto.. You can call my a fuckin' hypocrite or whatever, but y'know what? Frankly, I really don't give a flying fuck about any shit anymore. Everything's come crashing down now.. There's nothing I got left.. No more hope anymore for anything... So, as long as I keep my own fucked up shit to myself, I don't really care what I do anymore.. because it doesn't really matter..
"Oh.. Are you sure, Duo? Because you-."
I looked at him straight in the eye; it's the only way I know that could get him to believe what I wanna say. "Y'know I don't lie right, Heero?" I forced a small 'everything's-okay' smile onto my face. God.. why was it so hard to smile now..?
He seemed tentative and unwilling to believe me since it took him awhile to respond, but he did eventually because he offered his own nod of agreement and his own smile of an unspoken thanks. A wave of relief poured over me, but for some reason my hands were shaking uncontrollably again; I ended up sitting on them to keep the facade up and going. But deep down, I knew each crack was a stab to the heart and I was spiraling downwards even more. I was screaming on the inside and, God.. all I wanted to do was reach out to him and spill everything to him then-'bout all of the fuckin' crap of the shit hole of a life I'm having, 'bout all of my feelings of how I feel about him, and 'bout how it's so tiring to just keep my mask on nowadays.. but I couldn't. One part of me hated myself for being so fuckin' stubborn and so afraid because I didn't want things to change, for I knew that if it did, it'd be for the worse. And then the other part of me hated myself for being so weak to wanna even want to seek any type of.. comfort in the first place. But fuck.. seeing that smile on his beautiful face... fuckin' shit! Why the hell did I ever fall for him?? Why the fuck did it have to be him? Why the fuckin' hell did he even tell me anything in the first place?! I didn't wanna know; I'd rather live in my fuckin' fantasy, dreaming that maybe.. just *maybe*, I'd have a fuckin' chance with him. So, why..?
I was breaking up inside, I knew that. I was cold like fuck and my chest hurt-s'hurting so much that it ached to just fuckin' breathe.. I knew I cracking into one-fuckin'-thousand pieces and yet some-fuckin'-how, in the end.. my mask has always been able to be there for me. I just wish the pressure wasn't so heavy so it wouldn't be so hard to keep it up now..
"..Heero. I know you wanna ask me to help you with something, so what is it?" Just please hurry up and ask, Heero. I'm so tired.. So tired of everything...
"I.. I don't know how to continue or how to approach this. But I do know that I want him to be there with me. Duo, you know more about these stuff than I ever could. So will you.. will you help 'hook us up', as you would say it?"
I could do nothing but stare at him. He was asking me to hook him-the one I love-and Trowa up.. I didn't have anything against Trowa-he's one of my best friends after all, but.. I don't want to-I know I was being selfish but.. I don't care! I don't want to...
"It's okay, Duo. You don't have to. I.. I was just asking.." God, he sounded so dejected.. Fuck. Could guilt get at you any more worse than it already has..?
His shoulders slumped; it was a small movement but I saw it, nonetheless. He really cares for him..
..Apparently, guilt can get any worse. So can your heart too..
I smiled. It wasn't bitter, but it wasn't a sweet one either. Just a plain and simple smile. You're a lucky man, Trowa..
"Heero.." I started. He glanced my way at the sound of his name and I saw a great amount of hope plus an equal amount of fear there.
"..Will you help me, Duo?" His voice was so soft I almost couldn't hear him, and so childlike.. like as if someone was trying to tell a child that Santa wasn't real..
And dammit, he looked so pleading... and Heero Yuy never looked pleading..
Again, I swallowed the lump in my throat. And with all that I could, I held back everything that was weighing down on me that could've made me completely crack then.. and I opened my mouth to whisper the two hardest words ever in my life.
"..Yeah.. sure..."
*****
tbc...
*****
So.. what do you guys think? Please review!! ^__^ Yes, I *crave* feedback. ^.~