Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness
A Yu Yu Hakusho Fanfiction by SpookyChild
Authors Notes:
Hello, it's me, SpookyChild! AKA, the Iceberg Lettuce of the fanfiction world, and I'm here to welcome you to another gut-busting chapter of… 'Perpetrate Some Delicious Nastiness'!
Random Kid: Yay!
And you know what that means, kiddos?
Random Kid: What?!
It means that you're dumb, that's what!
Random Kid: Awww…
Hehe, GOD I'm funny!
Disclaimer: One day, I'll own Yu Yu Hakusho. Yeah, that'll be just around the time that Keanu Reeves actually makes a good movie.
Chapter Seven: The Scheme of Things.
In the dark, deep recesses of the cave stood a mysterious, shadowy figure, cloaked in…mystery… and shadows. The figure moved about with an air of importance, a great urgency in his step. He pulled a black wrap around his shoulders and attached a large, glistening sword to his belt. He checked the small pocket watch with him and cursed in some unknown language.
The time was right, and the mysterious figure was ready for action.
But enough about him, let's see what Hiei's doing.
"Cheese and rice! Do I have to do everything around here?!" Hiei whined, hurriedly tying his shoes. After Gouki's defeat and Kurama's betrayal, it was now obvious that Hiei, for once, had to do something. Hiei groaned as he thought about the upcoming battle with the Spirit Detective. "This sucks." He grabbed The Conjuring Blade and ran out into the living room, making for the front door.
"Where're you going?" Kurama asked, blinking up at Hiei from his magazine. The redhead glanced at his watch and frowned. "I mean, I know you hate 'Judging Amy', but you don't have to get pissy about it and run out."
--Flashback--
Hiei is seen sitting on Kurama's couch, watching 'Judging Amy' on TNT. He frowned and checked the digital clock on Kurama's wall. 5:02, and still, no 'Angel'. Hiei tapped his foot impatiently.
"Come on! Wrap it up, Amy!" Hiei shouted, throwing the remote at the television.
End flashback
"This isn't about that." Hiei hissed angrily at Kurama. "I have to go fight the Spirit Detective because someone had to help his mother! Why do you want to stay in this world, anyway?" He asked. Kurama shrugged.
"I dunno. I'm thinking I might want to become an astronaut."
"More like astro-NOT!" Hiei cried angrily, stomping out, slamming Kurama's front door after him.
---
Kurama put down his magazine and reached for the remote, flipping on the television. "If Hiei's going to be fighting that Spirit Detective all night," Kurama began, "I might as well entertain myself." He stopped on the WB channel.
"- Here's a preview of next week's episode of 'Charmed', 'Sliced, Diced, and Enticed'." Kurama immediately winced at the terribly named episode.
The scene changes to clips of the show as the clichéd 'Charmed' theme song plays in the background. Piper and co. are seen sitting in the attic, looking worried.
"Paige was turned into a carrot and I couldn't do anything to save her, just like I couldn't save Pru." Piper cried, overly dramatic. "I'm supposed to be in charge of this family, and I couldn't stop it."
"Don't worry, sweetie." Leo cooed. "I'll orb around and talk to the elders and all that junk and try to find a way to save her."
"I'd help, too," Phoebe interjected as Leo disappeared, "But I'm too busy whining over Cole. I mean, he was my one true love, I can't live without him, and… is he dead yet?"
"…I hope I don't get eaten by a rabbit." Said Paige, wiggling her carrot-like fingers.
End scene. The narrators voice comes back.
"An all new 'Charmed', Sunday, on the WB. Thanks for watching!"
"Man, that sucked." Hiei exclaimed, shoving popcorn into his mouth. Kurama blinked at him.
"… Didn't you leave, like, a half an hour ago to fight Yusuke?"
"You mean the hottie that smells like rope?"
"Yeah."
"…Damn it!" Hiei jumped off the couch and ran out the door, slamming it behind him. Kurama shrugged and turned back to the television.
"- And for all you upset 'Angel' fans, never fear! Since we canceled the one good show we had, we now have time to bring you new shows and episodes that are all exactly alike! 'Summerland'! 'One Tree Hill'! 'Gilmore Girls'! 'What I Like About You'! 'Reba'! 'Seventh Heaven'! 'Smallville'…!"
Kurama winced again.
---
"Damn crap…so stupid…have to fight the Spirit Detective…stupid double-crossing sexy red-headed slut…stupid hot Spirit Detective with his hotness…stupid Gouki with his…uh…nose…" Hiei kicked a pebble out of his path and continued his grumbling. "Stupid Koenma for even having the Artifacts…stupid guards and their lack-of being there…stupid James Marsters and his goddamned fake accent…stupid Hot Topic for never having their Harry Potter shirts on sale…stupid 'Charmed' for NEVER HAVING A GOOD FREAKING EPISODE! I MEAN, COME ON- hey, isn't that Keiko?" Hiei stopped the author's attempt at writing anymore of her own thoughts and therefore breaking the fourth wall even more like it isn't nobodies business as he approached the High School.
"-Well, I was at the hairdresser today, and do you know who walked in?" Keiko paused and grinned at her friends, who were listening with baited breath. "It was CARMEN!" She finally exclaimed, and Mina and Saki drew in their breath. "I know! And she was getting her hair dyed! She always said that her hair was natural! I KNEW she was lying! So I went up to her and said, 'You lying BIT-!'"
"Oh, don't GO there!" Saki giggled hysterically. Just then, Hiei jumped out of the bushes.
"LOOK OVER THERE!" He screamed, pointing in a random direction before attacking Keiko. However, his sneaky plan was soon disrupted when Keiko nailed him in the head with her bag. Saki and Mina looked confused.
"Um, we don't see…"
"ACK!" Hiei yelped, wriggling as Keiko hit him over and over, "RELEASE ME, WENCH!"
"Eww, what is it?" Mina asked, poking Hiei idly with a stick.
"NO! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Hiei screamed instinctively, squirming in ticklish distress. Saki covered her mouth.
"Aww, it's CUTE! Aren't you, sweetie?"
"AHHH!!!" Hiei began to flail frantically. In doing so, he succeeded in knocking Keiko out, causing the unconscious girl to fall on top of him. He paused as Saki and Mina stared at him before jumping up. "MWAHAHAHA!" He laughed, grabbing Keiko and running down the street. "VICTORY FOR HIEI!" Keiko's friends blinked.
"…So, you wanna go get some ice-cream?"
"Nah, I'm kinda tired."
-----------------
(A/N)
Yes, yes, I know this one wasn't entitled 'The Arrest' either… God, I suck so much. But, anyway… what will happen? Will Yusuke and Hiei fight to the death? Will Kurama get bored of watching T.V. and go to help in the fight? Was this really a victory for Hiei? Is Saki really tired, or is she just sick of Mina running her mouth about Saki behind her back? Will 'Charmed' ever have a good episode? Not bloody likely…
Stay tuned for chapter eight, entitled "The Arrest". (I SWEAR TO GOD, THAT'S GONNA BE ITS NAME!)
Yay.