Wow…it's been eons. EONS.

I don't think this chapter can possibly recompense for my elongated absence, but at least with its update you now realize that I'm back up, alive and kicking! : ) ….a year later…

I'll be using the next couple of weeks to update most of my stories and pick up where I left off so long ago. I hope that you guys can forgive me and come back to me! I'm like the prodigal…daughter..?? So let me come back into your arms and feast, drink, and be merry!

Speaking of merriment, with holidays on the way, I'll be able to gift you guys with some delicious fan art (after I fix my scanner…) before the holidays come in full swing. Exciting, no?? If you'd like to check out my art, I've got a site up on deviantart: .com

Okay. So here it is. Enjoy. Don't kill me.

Sing a Lullaby

By Cev

Chapter Eighteen: Forming Decisions

Raoul wasn't sure what would happen if he was caught, but in his current mindset, he didn't care. The door was shut, but he knew that it was only Hitomi behind it – Fanelia had stubbornly wished to stay in the room overnight, but apparently had fallen asleep in the middle of his meal. Dryden had helped the exhausted king upstairs to the room he usually resided in while staying in Asturia, and thus was the only reason Raoul made his way to Hitomi's side while the sun was rising.

Risking gods-know-what by going against Dryden's fiery orders to not see Hitomi, the ex-knight sat for a long time next to her sleeping form in the early morning light. Grey faded to light blue as he watched her soft breathing; she definitely looked a great deal more peaceful than when he first saw her. Raoul had not seen the baby yet – the child was being kept under close surveillance by two of Dryden's personal guards. Furthermore, despite the infamous speed in which rumors raced across the Asturian Royal Palace, Raoul had not heard one word about Hitomi, the Fanelian King, or the newborn. He was astounded.

Leaning back in his chair, Raoul brought his hand to his face, scratching his stubby, unshaved chin. Now that Lord Van was here, would Hitomi go back to Fanelia? Wouldn't she resume the life she had supposedly left? Raoul wasn't sure. Had Hitomi told Van about his child? Was the reason why the baby was kept under such tight wraps because Van didn't want word getting out about it, or was it Dryden was keeping it from Van? Certainly the Asturian public had no affair in it, but it seemed to Raoul that at least the men and women of Van's guard would know – and to top it all off, he, Alicia, and Dmitri were interrupted late last night during their meal by one of Dryden's men – and were asked explicitly to not speak of any of the matters that had occurred recently to anyone, and if they were going to discuss it themselves, to please do so "without prodding ears nearby"! They were unused to such censoring, but it felt that the information, if leaked, could cause problems far bigger than royal drama.

It was still bigger than Raoul could understand – that he had an inclination of. So did his sister and brother-in-law; and so they were convinced to keep it from outside knowledge.

While he mused, Hitomi stirred. The world began fuzzy, and all she could really think about was the pulsing in her nether-regions. Unsure of where she was or what she was doing, she opened her eyes fully, taking in her surroundings, and, consequently, taking in Raoul's familiar form leaned back, staring at her thoughtfully, but with an expression that was more introverted than focused on where he was looking – her.

"Raoul."

Her voice was a shock, and he was broken from his reverie. It seemed ages since he heard its soft tone. He looked at her with intent, now – and even though she had been sleeping soundly, she still seemed a bit tired. She looked bright, though – glowing.

"Hitomi…" The way in which he breathed her name could have made him blush in any other circumstance – but he was so happy and relieved to see and feel her gaze on him. He reached out to squeeze her hand.

She kindly squeezed it back, smiling softly – if not a little sadly. A short, awkward pause broke their time.

But Raoul had a purpose for coming to the room at this time – he was sure they didn't have much left, as Fanelia would probably be coming back before noon. "Hitomi, what's happening? Not a word's been spread about the castle about this. This whole business must be the best secret Astoria's castle has ever been capable to keep so tightly under wraps. It seems that anyone who says anything about it has been threatened with their very lives by the King himself!"

Hitomi gave a long sigh, but it seemed one that was more of a relief. She slowly sat up. "That's good – that keeps my options open, at least."

"Hitomi," Raoul was puzzled by her response, and very impatient at this time, "I really don't know-"

"I'm sorry, Raoul, but," Hitomi interrupted him before he could go on to more questions, "I really can't tell you anything, except that I think it's wise, for the safety of many people, that Van doesn't find out about the child…"

"What?! How is that possible? Hitomi, he's going to put things together from what he saw last night – and isn't it his child, anyway? How can just that information cause problems for anyone other than those directly affected by it?!"

At this point Hitomi was getting angry – and not just at the questions Raoul was asking – perhaps it was just all the pressure. Whatever it was, it was pissing her off. Her voice rose; "Look, Raoul, there's a lot of things you don't know – a lot of political pressures on Fanelia right now. I am not even a married woman, and Van's a King! For if only the sake of that child's life, I've got to keep him secret! Do you think this can all turn into one big happy ending?! Why do you care? What have you got out of it all?!" Immediately after saying it, Hitomi could feel her cheeks reddening, but she didn't apologize.

The mood in the room changed in a flash. Raoul has quieted. He looked to the left, at a painting above the basin beside her bed – anything to keep his eyes occupied. He knew she was just voicing her own frustrations, but after a few short breaths of calming down, he just felt like leaving for good. It seemed hopeless. They hadn't even known each other for that long. She was the lover of a King. He looked up at her decidedly. There was just no way she didn't know, right? "You just don't get it, do you?"

Hitomi looked down – she couldn't keep eye contact with him. But Raoul felt that she understood. "We don't even know each other very-"

At that point, Raoul stood up abruptly – the sharp sound of a chair scraping across the floor silencing the young woman. That said it all. "I'm afraid I'll have to leave now – I have many errands to run today. I hope your day goes well, My Lady."

Hitomi held up her hand, "Wait-"

He bowed, and walked out the door.

"Raoul! Please!" She tried to move and get up, but her chest was in too much pain. Flinching, she gingerly lowered herself to sit back on the pillows.

Hitomi sighed. Things had just gotten even more muddled. But Raoul's visit did prompt her to think about the future. What was she going to say? Keep the child from Van, and watch Fanelia from afar, quietly fighting Hiarmaz in her own way? Or tell Van everything – and accept whatever choices he made – additionally risking his and the child's life by exposing things to Hiarmaz? Only Raoul, Dryden and Millerna knew of the baby's paternal lineage. From an outsider's viewpoint, it certainly did look like it was Raoul's child. At this thought, Hitomi flushed considerably. Raoul already reminded her so much of Van. Despite all of this, the two choices she had in front of her looked equally bad.

A maid knocked on the door, and Hitomi's attention was thankfully diverted from such heavy matters. The young girl was carrying a relatively small bundle of soft yellow fabric. Hitomi's heart skipped a beat as she realized what precious thing was tucked in the blanket.

"I figured, since you were up, you would like to feed him?" She asked.

Hitomi smiled softly and delicately reached out her arms – careful of the cloth that supported her broken ribcage. Despite her injuries, she felt she would be fine with breastfeeding. "I will need help.." She looked up at the small girl, motioning to her chest. The girl nodded earnestly, and Hitomi gently took the baby from her, with her supporting hands.

"Cute newborn" would be a flat-out lie. All newborns resembled more alien than human qualities. His soft skin was still bruised, mottled and splotchy – and his head was still slightly misshapen from the pressures of birth. Despite that – Hitomi's fingers gingerly smoothed out his black hair, and ran her touch across tiny folds in his pudgy form. Feeling this flesh that was of her own body metaphysically blew her heart and mind out of herself. The world and its complicated political matters seemed inconsequential when confronted with the miracle of conceiving child – and the connection between parent and offspring. Total protectiveness engulfed Hitomi completely- her heart cried out to his squirming form. She gently readied herself to breastfeed – it proved to be a difficult task, even with the help of the young maid.

"My own," Hitomi whispered, tears pooling – threatening to drop over her bottom eyelid. She couldn't believe she had been so distraught and uncaring of her child last night. She felt now she could weather any loss – any challenges for this small, soft child. "My Azin."

Millerna came is just as the morning sun was clearing up the grey Astorian sea morning. She smiled from the door, watching Hitomi dote on the newborn.

Hitomi and the maid realized the queen had entered, and the maid bowed and retreated to a corner of the room as to make herself unseen. Hitomi smiled widely, relieved to have her friend's company.

"How are you faring?" Millerna asked, noting with her eyes Hitomi's wrapped chest.

Hitomi sighed a little. "I think the emotional issues are outweighing the physical ones right now."

Millerna nodded in understanding, "It's not easy," she murmured knowingly, watching Hitomi in a way that only mothers can. She gingerly sat on the bed next to her, squeezing her friend's arm in comfort. "I saw Raoul come out of here just a while ago. He seemed pretty upset when he left."

"Yes." Hitomi breathed out, closing her eyes. She was truly glad Millerna was there. "You probably shouldn't mention this to Dryden."

"I won't, Gods forbid." Millerna said, "He's being really overprotective of you and the child. I think he sees you as a little sister."

"That would be nice." A silence passed, and Hitomi mustered some courage to continue with the difficult issue. She titled Azin up, examining his face to keep her eyes away from Millerna's inquisitive gaze. Her fingers trailed over his large shoulder blades – pronounced so much she could feel them through the blanket. "Do you know the situation with Hiarmaz and Fanelia right now?"

"Yes – Van's been working day and night trying to get out of it."

Hitomi swallowed, feeling guilty for leaving Van on his own. It wasn't because she thought he couldn't handle it – he was a very capable dignitary. But she felt bad leaving the person she loved alone. "When I first came back – I was about three months along at that time, I became aware of Hiarmaz's economic power over Fanelia, and also the plan for Shandra and Van to be engaged." At this point Hitomi could feel Millerna's glare of distaste for even mentioning the girl's name, "I thought it best to pull back from view as to not obstruct Van's decisions in any possible way. Also…since this one wasn't really in the plan" she motioned to the dozing boy in her arms, "I really didn't think it was appropriate to stay and face that sort of breech and embarrassment."

Millerna scoffed, "I think you'll find the Fanelian people pretty accepting of a legitimate heir-"

"He's NOT legitimate! That's the problem-"

"Fanelian protocol is not as strict as Asturia's," Millerna interrupted. "But, as I was saying, I think you'll find them much happier with you as the figure by Van's side than a foreign, demeaning princess, with a troublesome and pompous King such as Hiarm shadowing over them. Wouldn't the best solution be to figure out a way to get around Hiarmaz, out of their power? That's what Van's trying so hard to do! Weren't you guys engaged before Shandra, anyway? To most Gaean people, that's as strong as saying that you're already married."

"You give me too much hope," Hitomi said dejectedly, "But Millerna – this sort of thing could play into Hiarmaz's political moves in all the wrong ways. Timing is everything – I don't want Van to try to shield me or do something he shouldn't when he's supposed to be keeping his people a priority. I think it's best if I'm not in Fanelia, and not with Van – despite how much it kills me – I can't think that just because the happiness of two people should be justified by the toiling troubles of a whole nation!"

To this Millerna had nothing to say, but she took a haggard breath, and looked the girl from the Mystic Moon directly in the eye. "Hitomi, I'm going to say one more thing and then drop it." Hitomi nodded unsuredly, not used to seeing Millerna so serious. "You fell in love with Van. You got involved with him and Fanelia – on a very large political scale – from the moment you showed up here. So it's useless to think that you"-she motioned to the gurgling baby-"or anything of you can escape being pulled into that same political sphere. Such a life will always have some form of danger associated with it. It's the way of life. You know you're just putting the inevitable off, right?"

Hitomi sighed. Millerna was dead right, but with Azin tucked into her embrace it was a difficult thing to accept. She refused to compromise the safety of her child. There was no reasoning with her on this one – when she was well, she would not return to Fanelia.

Millerna was surprised as the fierce determination in Hitomi's eyes swelled. She had hoped that she could convince Hitomi of something – anything, but at the moment she knew it was fruitless. She dropped her intense gaze, and deflated. "So what do you plan to do now?" She asked after a sad acceptance. "Dryden and I will do our best to help you. You are planning on staying here, right? You're not to return to the Mystic Moon?"

Hitomi considered it before shaking her head, "There's no way I could return – he's not a normal human."

Millerna nodded. "I wish I could be of more help, Hitomi – but there's little information out there on Draconian people as it is. I've gotten no where looking for anatomy guidance in the palace's libraries or the city's."

"No – I know it's difficult, don't worry about it. I think it would be important for me to find out everything I can, though." She took a long look at Azin, "It's really frustrating when I don't really know what to expect. I wonder how Varie did it. I wish she were here to help me." Hitomi paused, wanting to say more. But her mouth wouldn't move. Her eyes become teary – her cheeks reddening. Millerna tensed – expecting her to burst into tears. The young blond, though, squeezed her eyes shut, hiding her pain in her child's blanket. Millerna swallowed hard, coming up to embrace Hitomi from behind.

"You've got so many people that love and support you," Millerna whispered, stroking Hitomi's hair like a sister, trying to calm her down. "Hitomi – you'll never be in want of friends here. We'll all help you, in any way we can."

"I know," Hitomi sniffed. "I'm sorry. I should keep my spirits up – if only for this one here."

"He is rather cute." Millerna smiled happily.

"Millerna…" Hitomi paused, trying to find appropriate words, "I don't have any family here on Gaea, even though I know so many people. I didn't want Azin to be left alone if something ever happened to me. And in the future too – I want him to have people he can look up to…"

Millerna knew where this was going. She smiled so big and honestly Hitomi thought her face would stretch.

"I was wondering – if perhaps, it wasn't any trouble and wasn't going against any Asturian customs, if you and Dryden-"

"Could become his family?" Millerna offered softly, her eyes dancing happily.

"Yes – Adoptive Aunt and Uncle." Hitomi smiled – looking up with happiness.

"Oh, Hitomi– yes, yes, yes! In all actuality, Dryden and I were hoping you would do the same for our children." Millerna tactfully left out the part of her hoping that request would come with the couple of Hitomi and Van as what the Asturians called Parents of Light – and what the Fanelians referred to as ruahsti. The custom was old and technically outdated – but the royal families of the two countries were strongly connected by the War. Millerna wanted Van to be her twins' male counterpart of their Parents of Light, but she would have to wait until things smoothed out, which she hoped and sensed that they would. Until then, the official ceremony would have to wait.

But of all this she didn't speak. The girls were happily basking in each other's common bonds of parenthood, glad that they could continue their friendship. Hitomi needed support, and Millerna felt her old self more strongly than ever. She was gaining confidence again, and felt the love around her for those dear to her stronger than ever. She would protect Hitomi at all costs.

"For now," Millerna said, getting up to start preparing herself for afternoon audiences, "You should rest, and keep Azin out of sight. Van's being held busy by Dryden against his will – he'll probably show up here sooner than you might expect. Finish up with the baby and take a bath, and mentally prepare yourself. For now, Dryden and I will stay out of this affair."

Hitomi smiled sadly, nodding, "Thank you."

Millerna was just about to walk out the door, right after the nurse who took Azin back to the wet-nurses' nursery, when she paused at the door. "You know, girl from the Mystic Moon," She said firmly, formally, "It may seem impossible, but you're the one who defied Fate with love. It may seem like a myth, but to a lot of people it's a truth. I don't think you're in as a precarious situation as you may believe. Fanelia is a remote, unique place, and Fanelian politics revolve on caring, understanding people."

Hitomi was left alone at that. She breathed in deeply, shakily. She leaned back into her mattress, fingering the bandages that supported her broken ribs. She closed her eyes – tears falling from the sides of her eyes and onto the bed sheets. After holding on for so long onto what she thought was the right thing – Hitomi had no idea. She covered her face with her hands, praying for clarity – praying for an answer.

The dim blue morning light left her with nothing.

Peace, love, and happy holidays, y'all.

Always,

Cev