Author's Note: I can not apologize enough for taking so long on this fic. My prime instigator stopped IMing me though, and other people begged me for other things. So, L-chan and others who love this story, you should really thank Silent Seraphim for pestering me in L-chan's stead the last couple of weeks. Thank you!
Thank you to everyone who reviewed or sent me a kind note saying they loved this story despite my lack of an update. I sincerely hope that the next one will come a lot sooner, and with a little more plot development. ~laughs~ Thank you as always for your patience.
"These Sunken Eyes"
Dawn came too early for Sakura. Her eyes were red and scratchy, her head was pounding, and her mouth felt dry. Her neck was stiff from sleeping in a sitting position, and she itched from wearing her clothes all night.
Her arms were still wrapped protectively around Yue, and at some point in the night Kero had returned and fallen asleep draped across their laps in his full form. Sakura wiggled her toes cautiously, and winced as blood started flowing to her extremities again. The pins and needles sensation in her feet made her gasp slightly, and that was enough to wake her guardians.
Kero yawned hugely, blinking a few times and stretching in that unique way which only very large felines could. He made a big show of it, pulling attention to himself as he grumbled and shifted off of the other two. Sakura began to rub her legs vigorously, steeling herself against the inevitable pain by reminding herself that it would be over soon. An intense wave of discomfort rushed through her legs as the numbness was displaced, then she started to feel somewhat like herself again.
Kero transformed to his false form, hovering before Sakura's face with a pleased look. "Aaah, I haven't slept that good since the old days with Clow," he announced happily. Sakura absently patted the top of his head, smiling.
She stood up carefully, feeling the aches in her neck and shoulders acutely now that she was on her feet. Her legs felt a little weak still, but they would do. Her heart--there was a dull empty ache in the center of her chest, but her smile still rose to her face automatically. She would face this day. No one would know the depth of her pain or loss. She had faced heartbreak before. She had faced loss. She smiled when she had to and cried when she could, and did her best not to mix the two up when the occasion arose.
"Good morning, Yue-san!"
He blinked at her, but maintained his air of miserable silence. She stared at him expectantly. He finally gave in. "Good morning, mistress."
"Sa-ku-ra," she spelled out with a grin. "I've been telling you for years, but as of this morning I must insist. It wouldn't do to have you be so formal after we slept together."
Sakura's teasing grin took on manic proportions. Kero chuckled from across the room, waiting. Yue looked mortified.
"I didn't--we didn't, you can't mean...."
Sakura laughed lightly, hoping that the sound would pull him from his depression if her joking couldn't. "It's a harmless joke. It's not even a bad joke compared to what some of the girls at the university say."
"I just didn't expect to hear you say such a thing," Yue said softly, looking away.
Sakura felt a frown threaten her self-control, so she chose to ignore the comment. "Yue-san, it's morning. Yukito-san has to get ready for work."
He stood gracefully, but paused a moment. Sakura looked at him expectantly, and he began the transformation. His eyes were so sad and hesitant that Sakura almost told him to stop, almost asked him to stay, but she waited. Moments later Yukito was blinking wildly, looking out the window with a confused look on his face. The confusion was swept away while Sakura watched, and the usual smile was placed with care upon his lips. His eyes looked slightly drawn, but they wore the same mask of a smile as always.
It was haunting how well he erased all traces of pain.
"Good morning, Yukito-san."
"I'm not going to work today, Sakura-chan."
She blinked in confusion. "What?"
"I said, I'm not going to work. I really don't feel up to it. Touya will be there, and I don't think I'm ready to face him like that."
He kept his tone even and his smile impeccably in place. Sakura opened her mouth to say something, but just as quickly shut it. It wasn't as if she could make him go after all. She really couldn't blame him. After all, the last thing she wanted to do was go to school.
"What will you do instead?" she asked hesitantly.
"I'm not sure." He had that lost look in his eyes again, just like last night, and Sakura realized she was more worried about him than anything else. Her own pain melted to the side when she thought about being able to be there for him. "I thought about going home and just thinking, but everything there reminds me of him. That's why I came here last night, I think." His voice was so soft and uncertain, unlike the usual façade he usually kept up.
It was just the opposite for Sakura, she realized. There wasn't enough here to remind her of Syaoran. There were empty spaces she'd always wanted to fill with things that were from him, but even the drawer full of letters told the sad story. A great majority of them had been written years ago, when they were children. They were awkward but sweet, full of the words that they both somehow assumed people in love should exchange. How real had that been? There were a few letters, one for every month of the year, while they were teenagers. He'd had to start sneaking away to write and mail these letters, and among the increasingly flowery words had been doubt and resentment. The letters began to decrease from once a month to once every other month. Then, they became even more rare. The last one had been six months ago, and it hadn't said much of anything. He was being sent away for training, it had said, but he was going to try to get a way out of that if possible. He would come see her this time, for sure. It was just a matter of time....
"Maybe you should rearrange everything. Your house has been the same since we met, so maybe it's time to change things."
Yukito looked skeptical. "How would that help?"
Sakura smiled in triumph. "First, it would give you something to do so you won't dwell on feeling bad. Second, you can use it as a way of putting the past behind you. Third, it will stop reminding you of the same things over and over every time you come home. Fourth," she began, and then stopped shyly.
"Fourth?"
"It will give me an excuse not to go to school?" she asked, hopefully. "Please let me help you."
He laughed at first, shaking his head. "I couldn't--"
"You aren't! Going to classes today would be a waste of time for me and for my teachers. I won't be able to concentrate, I'll dwell on that stupid phone call and everything I did wrong, and there's no way I'll manage to learn anything with all that going on in my mind."
"I'm sure you'll be fine," he ventured kindly.
"No, I'm sure I won't be." She bowed her head--the last time she'd had her heart broken, it was by this person right here. When Yukito had turned her down, even as gently as he had, she'd been devastated by it. "I will act like I'm fine, and I will be able to fool everyone, but I'll find myself drifting off into lonely thoughts, and dwelling on how much it hurts. I won't hear a word that is spoken, even after everyone is dismissed. I might sit there even after everyone is gone so I can cry for a moment alone, and then I will put on my brave face again and smile. It will hurt inside though, and I'll be lonely no matter where I am."
Silence descended between them, filling the room so completely that Sakura jumped when she felt a small paw pat her gently on the shoulder. Kero hovered next to her, looking concerned. He'd been so uncharacteristically silent that she'd forgotten he hadn't flown into another room for pancakes or something.
"I say let's go clean up the Snow Rabbit's house and rearrange everything," Kero finally said, enthusiastically. "School, work, all those things can wait until tomorrow! Today we'll just have fun!" Sakura and Yukito immediately picked up on the sun guardian's enthusiasm, at least outwardly. "It will be like old times, with Clow."
Sakura refused to react to Kero's last murmured words, though she noted that Yukito's eyes flashed silver for a moment and he stiffened slightly. Just what they needed, more reminders of painful things. She sighed slightly and took Yukito's hand. "Wait for me in the hall while I get dressed." She was still wearing her clothes from last night. "We'll get a huge breakfast and get busy."
~~~~~@~~~~~
"I can't do it, Yue." Yukito waited alone in the hall as Sakura had requested. He whispered softly out loud, letting the pain wash over and through him only now that no one else could see it. "Make it stop, please."
The Mistress--Sakura is right. We'll let go of all the painful memories, we'll change everything today, and you can move on with your life.
"Touya was my life. He is the first thing I remember, you made sure of that."
No...that was Clow's doing.
"It doesn't matter who--" he broke off, realizing he'd raised his voice too loud. Someone might hear him. "Touya has been everything to me. And...you don't need me anymore. You only remained separate from me all this time because you wanted to stay loyal to the one you loved. Without Touya you don't have to worry about--"
I'll not hear another word of this, Yue's silent voice was glacially cold, and even Yukito was loath to continue after hearing that. In time it will heal. In time you will come to accept your life without Touya.
"The way you've come to accept life without Clow?"
There was no reply, in either words or emotions. None was needed. They both knew full well that Yue still suffered that loss, clinging to it almost like a lifeline; a link to a past that he never wanted to forget or be without. A link to a past he never wanted to admit he would never see the likes of again.
We could go back, Yue started. You could give him another chance.
A sick feeling rose from the pit of Yukito's stomach and lodged in his throat. "Never."
Sakura opened her door, and everything was left unresolved. Yukito smiled at her, though the smile cut him like broken glass. He smiled because that's what he always did. Even today, no one would tell the difference--the only one who had ever bothered to try was beyond his orbit now.
"Shall we go?"
"Yes."
~~~~~@~~~~~
Touya started with a box. He filled it without looking, without caring if anything broke. Nothing did, but he was careless anyway and almost hoped to hear a satisfying crunch. His stereo was on as loud as he dared, and he lost himself in the music that tore through him, tearing his soul anew, one last time. He drowned in the music, and vowed he would snap the CD in two when he was through with it. This was the soundtrack of his misery, and he wallowed in it.
"It's his fault," he growled without realizing. "Yue's fault. Yuki would never do this to me, but Yue--"
His hands clenched into fists. No, Touya had to admit that that Yue probably didn't care either way. He never really had, he's just stayed in the background and did his best to stay invisible whenever Touya was around. If anyone was to blame--
"It's me. I should apologize, I should...tell him..." Tell him what? He couldn't help being who he was. It seemed Yuki's biggest objection was being taken care of--what kind of stupid objection was that? He didn't smother Yuki. He didn't force the smaller man to do a damn thing, he--
"I don't even know what the hell I did wrong! It doesn't make sense at all."
The next object he reached for was a photograph. It was professional quality, though a candid moment he'd never realized had been captured on film until it was given to him as a present. He was in his old high school uniform, reading a book with a small smile. It was taken under a tree, and he was side by side with Yuki. The photograph had been a favorite of his, and he couldn't bear to destroy it--but he couldn't stand to see it anymore either. It was a perfect picture of a time when things had been both simpler and more complex. All he had to worry about then was saving his best friend's life. That was back, before declarations of love and trying something new, different, and terrifying.
An insane idea struck him suddenly. Daidouji--no, Tomoyo had been the one who had taken this picture. He carefully took it from the frame and looked at it again. He knew the thought was insane as soon as he had it. But, he looked at the picture, and he thought of talking to her last night, and his mind kept rolling along to the same conclusion. He couldn't destroy the picture; it was a work of art. He just didn't want to look at it like it was.
He turned off the stereo. His hand hovered over the button, poised to turn it on again if his rational mind took hold again. He turned around and grabbed his keys, again hesitating to give himself a chance. He slipped his shoes on. He opened the door, and looked at the picture one more time. "She's going to think I'm crazy," he sighed.
He closed the door behind him and kept walking.