Author's Note: So, here is chapter 42 at last. So sorry about the delay. I had some bad stuff going on job wise, but things have been looking up. Hopefully I'll churn out more of this story soon. So in this chapter we get a look from Alex's POV at what's been going on with him. I'd love to hear anyone's guesses as to what is going on with him and Meri, if anyone is still reading that is. Also this chappy should be around an R rating.

Chapter 42

It was late as Alex made his way slowly back to his quarters. While time had ceased to have much meaning for him, he could gauge the lateness of the hour by the level of encroaching exhaustion taking over his limbs. It won't be long now, Alex thought wearily as he stepped into an empty lift. He needed to hurry, push himself to move faster before it happened while he was nowhere near the safety of his quarters. But he couldn't find it in himself to care. He let his thoughts drift, knowing where they would go, but too tired to make the effort of controlling them.

The last several weeks had dragged by with Alex forcing himself back into his previous life, the life he led without his heart and soul, without Meri. He tried to keep himself busy teaching his classes, and the time in between he withdrew into himself, trying to hide the fact his world had fallen around his feet. He probably wasn't fooling anyone, but at least no one knew why.

Rani was a constantly hovering presence when she was at the Temple and lucky for him she'd just been recalled back out into the field. He didn't like being around her right now, he felt lost, not knowing where he stood with her so far down the line when all he can remember of her from before is her heartbroken voice during the discussion where he learned she was in love with him. She was always trying to get to close to him now, and it made him uncomfortable, made his skin actually shiver with discomfort when she touched him. He felt his whole being recoil from her touch, just another sensation his body experienced lately that he didn't understand. As a result he'd become even more standoffish toward her and he knew Rani had noticed. Alex was beyond caring. Rani Veko wasn't the woman Alex needed and that was the bottom line really. Nothing else...no one else mattered other than Meri.

His whole being ached for her. He hadn't been able to stop himself from searching her out. Sometimes, crouched in the shadows watching his former apprentice with haunted eyes, Alex could almost see the humor in it. As if his having dark side urges wasn't enough, now he was turning into a stalker as well. His sense of humor almost gone, however, Alex merely felt like crying. Once he started though, he didn't think he'd be able to stop, and perhaps that was the only reason he hadn't given in to his grief and screamed out his agony. Would it have made him feel better? He didn't think so.

He'd become good at cloaking his presence, perfected it really. If you could hide your presence from dozens of Jedi and still be in the amount of pain Alex was experiencing then you must be expert at it, right? He would watch her before dawn doing her Katas in the training hall. He wondered if she rose so early in order to try avoiding him or if it was just that, perhaps like him, she couldn't sleep. Either way it made his watching her so simple.

He normally stood in the shadows of the balcony, his eyes never once leaving her beautiful figure. He never even wanted to blink, lest he miss any of her smooth and innately sensual movements. He could never tire of watching her wondrous form that had fully matured to that of a woman's. And despite how he loved what her body suites did for her form, any time another male even walked into the room with her, his jealousy flared so hot it would almost overwhelm him. Its intensity continued to confuse him, for while he'd felt jealousy before when she was his apprentice, it had been almost non-existent. But of course, back then he'd known who she belonged to and hadn't worried overly much for her. He had been in control of his more primitive side that his kind was known for. Now? Not so much…

He would watch her in the Temple's extensive Library studying or simply roaming a Garden room soaking in the Living Force. It did help him to be near her in some strange way. His skin didn't feel stretched so tight over his bones and the deep well of agony at the center of his being didn't seem to throb so insistently. Everything within him would seem to calm. He wondered if she felt his presences in any measure.

He could only go so long without seeing her. It was as though there was something within him that pulled him to her, a force he couldn't explain...or resist for long. Every fiber of his being longed to touch her and more, but he could not. Fighting the pull, week after week, day after day, hour after hour, minute by minute, second after second was exhausting him to a level he had never known. By the end of his day, his limbs fairly trembled in fatigue and his mind was so hazy he could barely think straight.

Just as it was this night. He could barely focus on putting one foot in front of the other as he headed to his quarters. He kept trying to focus on keeping at least a little of his energy long enough to make it back to his quarters.

'Meri...Meri...Meri,' his mind chanted, over and over again. Alex stumbled stepping out of the lift as pain streaked through his chest. He hunched over, one hand cradling his middle, while the other pulled his cowl closer around his face. He'd been having these strange sporadic pains whenever he thought of her...which had become all the time.

'Meri,' his heart yearned, aching with every beat, calling to her. 'No,' he thought to himself as he forced his feet to move forward. 'She doesn't want you,' he told himself...had to keep telling himself. The pain in his chest increased enough to have him suddenly gasping for air. His feet dragged to a stop as he wrapped both of his arms around his middle as if he could hold himself together. Then suddenly, so abruptly there was no way to prepare for it, a fiery pain filled his body. It flooded his body with agony, from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. It caused his legs to buckle and he found himself on the floor of the corridor, unable to move as the pain swept through him, leaving every nerve ending in his body on fire with it.

Lying on his side, he could feel every beat of his heart and with every beat a fresh blast of pain. It took his breath, and froze his vocal cords, almost stilling his breath within his chest. Vaguely as though from far away he heard his stuttering moan deep in his chest, a quiet sound when he felt he needed to scream out at the pain. He felt his muscles trembling violently in reaction as every nerve his body possessed felt immersed in lava. Darkness encroached on his vision as he fought for his breaths amidst the pain and the only thing he could think as darkness took him was, 'Meri.'

Coming-to was a torturous experience. The pain had receded only a little, but it was enough that he could get his breath now without wanting to moan and as his dusky lashes lifted to awareness he realized he was not alone. Of course someone would find him sprawled out in the corridor and of course of all the Jedi it had to be this Jedi. Feeling unexplainably vulnerable, Alex immediately fought back the pain, brutally bringing his body under control until he was able to sit up, shrugging off the helping hand that was offered to him. Propping his back against the wall behind him in order to keep from falling over, Alex warily eyed the Jedi before him.

"Are you alright?" Obi-Wan inquired, sitting back on his heels.

"Yes," Alex retorted, albeit perhaps a little too coldly. "Why do you care?"

Obi-Wan eyed him thoughtfully at this response, bright hazel eyes narrowing slightly. "I'm not your enemy, Alex. I am concerned for you. This," Obi-Wan gestured to Alex sitting against the wall, "is not normal, whatever it is. You need to see a healer. Preferably An-Paj as he knows…" Obi-Wan trailed off as though trying and failing to find a word to summarize everything that had gone on. "Well, he just knows," he finished dryly.

"I'm fine!" Alex scoffed and surged to his feet, knowing his fragile control of his body and roiling emotions could only take so much. Unfortunately his body wasn't quite ready to cooperate with him and he swayed and then would have stumbled into Obi-Wan if the other Jedi hadn't caught him and steadied him.

"Yes I can see that," Obi-Wan remarked wryly yet not unkindly as he quickly released his hold when the other man shuddered violently at his touch.

Alex's blue eyes were arctic as he stared the younger Jedi down. He wasn't sure he could explain these feelings had anyone asked. He would admit to being jealous of the younger man. Obi-Wan had what he did not. He was friends with Meri. He had her trust, perhaps even her love and that was something Alex couldn't accept. Didn't even want to think about, truth be told. It made that place inside him that ached for Meri hurt beyond any words that could describe it. There weren't any words for that level of agony. So Alex tried his best to shove that thought to the farthest corner of his mind, or, as some might term it, denial. All Alex had left from her was her distrust, her disgust and Force forbid it, possibly her hate.

Alex closed his eyes at that thought, the pain within him swelling enough to make his breath hitch once again and a sudden bout of vertigo assail him. Alex leaned against the wall behind him wearily lest he fall down, fighting not to lift his hand to grip his chest where the pain continued to assault him. He was running out of time, his control fraying at the edges.

"Let me escort you to your quarters at least," Obi-Wan offered. Despite Alex's abrupt words, Obi-Wan was looking at Alex in sympathetic concern. Alex was too weary and in too much pain to resist as without words he nodded and found himself leaning on the younger man's arm heavily as they walked slowly down the corridor. Finally reaching his door, Alex keyed in his code and was about to step through the door when he turned back to Obi-Wan. "Thank you," he said gruffly. It was all he could offer. How he envied the younger man.

After the door slid soundlessly closed behind him, he stood in the entry way briefly, sucking in a painful breath before stumbling to the single room the apartment offered. Sitting heavily on his bed, Alex tugged off his boots, before removing his robe and then his tunic. He focused on each task with deliberate precision, forcing himself not to think. His muscles were still spasming in pain as he stretched himself out on the bed, but it was nothing compared to how he'd hurt earlier. That had been a level of pain he'd never known and hoped he didn't know again. Heaving out a sigh, eyes closing wearily, Alex released the control he had on his mind and body, prepared to be swept away by pained thoughts and bleeding soul. The Force must have pitied him, however, for the darkness struck as fast as the pain had before and he relaxed into the comforting embrace of sleep.

When he opened his eyes it was to find himself in his dreamscape once again. No surprise there, really. He'd been coming here more and more over the past few months, his sleep filled with his memories. Only, the memories he re-lived didn't end up like they'd happened in real life. All of them were of Meri and all of them ended up with him waking up drenched in sweat and painfully aroused if not…well suffice it to say he hadn't responded like that to dreams since he was in his teens.

The room he was in was dark, but it didn't stop him from recognizing this memory. No he remembered this night perfectly. He would never forget the first time he kissed Meri. She was 18 at the time and he'd been 25 and thought he was so controlled. 'Ha,' he snorted to himself at the thought. How wrong he'd been. She'd come out from the shower in only a towel, her skin still glistening with moisture and the impulse to jerk the towel from her grasp and shove her to the bed had almost gotten the better of him. 'Claim, claim, claim', had been beating at his brain and he'd been lucky all he'd done was kiss her.

As though this musing had conjured her, Meri stepped into the darkened room and his memory, again only in a towel. Alex's breath sucked in, watching her greedily from where he stood in the shadows. His eyes traveled her tall, lithe form lingering longest on breast and hips. She was so beautiful. 'Strange,' he mused, 'how this Meri wasn't the 18yr old Meri from his memory, but the strong, curvaceous Meri of present.' She wasn't looking at him, but instead was gazing out through the plexiglass at the raging storm outside, one hand held up to her chest securing the towel from falling. Had she looked over her shoulder, Alex was sure she would have seen him as the occasional lighting flash illuminated even the darkest corners of the room.

His blood seemed to heat in his veins the longer he watched her, desire swelling within, filling him until it was raging and pounding through his body. Unable to watch any longer and seeing no reason why he should deny this dream self, Alex approached her soundlessly until he was standing directly behind her. His eyes fluttered closed in ecstasy as he swore he could almost smell her familiar scent. Strange, to be able to smell things in dreams. Oh, but it was heady and overwhelming and Alex could resist no longer, sliding his arms around her from behind, clenching the towel in his fist before jerking it away and dropping it to the floor. He groaned at the feel of her. So smooth so silky soft. She pushed back against him releasing a husky moan of her own and Alex was lost.

In the first few dreams like this, his dream Meri had resisted his touch, like he imagined she would in real life and that is why he thought he must have dreamed it that way. Now though his dream Meri seemed to be as hungry for his touch as he was for hers. Vaguely Alex heard thunder rolling and a flash of lightning in the room revealed her fully to his eyes. 'So beautiful,' he thought heatedly as he slid his hands up her body to cup her breast. She moaned and pushed her hips and head back against him, arching to offer more. The movement, however, had her butt grinding into his fully raging hard-on and forced a growl out of him and a reflexive thrust of his own hips.

Unable to bear it, Alex turned her in his arms and looked down into her passion drugged eyes. 'Force you're stunning,' he thought in awe, his hands caressing her face gently. She turned her face into his touch, smiling in a way that had his loins tightening to the point of pain in lust. Sliding his arms around her, he lifted her until her legs locked around his hips, so that he could kiss her without bending down.

Their mouths met in a clash of teeth and tongue that was nowhere near the almost chaste kiss that had originally happened in this memory. He was too hungry for her to be gentle and she seemed to be the same as their tongues fought for dominance of the ongoing kiss. One step, two steps and he had her back hitting a wall. He pinned her there, his mouth moving down to her neck as he nipped her tender skin and then lapped away the sting, her taste exploding like a passion fruit on his tongue. Her moans and cries were the sweetest music to his ears as he moved back up to fuse their mouths once again, his hips seeking the perfect cradle of her hips until with a roll of his hips he was rubbing her in just the 'right' spot. Her cry was swallowed by him as his tongue stroked hers teasingly before he nipped her lower lip and then sucked it into his mouth. He couldn't stand it any longer….he had to have her…NOW. Had to be inside her!

And as though that thought was the trigger, it happened again. It was like being pulled backwards through a dark tunnel until with a flash of light he found himself awake and trembling in the semi-darkness of his room, alone. Sweat glistened on his skin as he released a pained cry of frustration, and he slammed his fist into the mattress. To be crude, he felt like he awoke so hard he could drill through a permacreat wall! Sometimes after these dreams all it took was for him to pull the sheet off his hips and he would come, though it didn't seem to cool his need any only make the need worse if such a thing were possible.

Why, why did it always happen that way? Every dream he had ended the same way. The frustration and lack of sleep was driving him mad. He would clean up and get back to bed only to fall into another dream that would end up with the same conclusion. Hit repeat to infinity and you had the exact schedule of his nights. He only ever managed to get an hour or two of sleep every night.

Releasing a tired sigh, Alex forced himself to sit up and drag his feet off the bed. He dropped his head into his hands, and the fingers in his inky hair clenched into fist of pain and frustration. With a growl of aggravation, he rose and only stumbled slightly before righting himself. His pain level was thankfully low, but he still felt completely exhausted.

Since waking up with his memories he'd been physically struggling. Controlled was something he no longer applied to himself either in physical or mental acuity. Half the time his limbs responded like a newborn nerfs out of pure exhaustion and pain.

Moving slowly, he made his way to the refresher and a very cold shower that wouldn't help to cool his ardor any, but would at least cleanse away the sweat and other body fluids. It looked to be another long and miserable night.