I'm finally back! Sorry for the wait. What can I say? I'm lazy. Well, also
rather busy. That's a good one, I'll use that. Ok, to reward ya'll for your
patience I will... continue! Very kind of me, don't ya think?
draekon: thank you so much for being my first reviewer! Means a lot to me. And I'm sorry I didn't consult with you about thinking up the idea first, truly am. But I hope you like this next chapter even though you didn't write it! Thank you!
Artemis71: well wait no longer! The next part is here!
Adalia Glenys: thank you, if you hadn't noticed I fixed it immediately. Although I cannot spell for the life of me I am very annoyed when things get misspelled, especially by me. I shall watch that word from here on out!
Vi1: it is true, you are a fangirl. And for that you shall be incinerated! (haha! I spelled it right!) *puff* oh crap, I already wasted today's on my teacher. But tomorrow. . .
Karijn Aska Shangel: I apologize, I was unaware of a different type of fangirl: Sauron fangirls! Well, I guess I learned my lesson, for another angry Sauron fangirl reviewed too. Thanks for reviewing!
The Yellow Dart: hmmmm. . . you sound familiar. For that you get. . . A COOKIE! (that just so happens to be poisonous)
Nadra: ahhhh, the talk of a true fangirl. I will not incinerate you (yes! I spelled it right AGAIN!) because of your very impressive knowledge of Tolkien. And yes, I am aware that he wasn't always an eyeball, but right now he is, ha! Jk, but I appreciate your review!
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Very good suggestion, and yay! I learned something new and worthwhile! (not like that crap they call "math") I think I will write about that. And that does make since, the whole orc thing. You must forgive me, I was confused and I didn't want to put in stuff that does not work for middle earth the way Tolkien describes it. (well, some. . . beings may be a BIT OOC, but not much! Hehe, lol) Thank you for reviewing! (oh yeah, I really like your artwork! I just checked it out, very awesome).
Capricorn Chaos: ummm, thanks for the constructive criticism?
Hirilnara: oooo, subliminal messaging! Personally, I like superluminal! (hey you! Join the navy! Ok!) it is weird that your review makes me want to eat a donut?
Isilhen: thank you! *blushes* don't worry, I think it'll be a happy ending. But happy for who? Thanks again!
Chapter 2: But That Doesn't Mean my Eyes will Soon be Turning Red
Sauron was going mad. His plan for total domination of Middle Earth was going great and all but he was still fangirl-less. (A/N: to his knowledge, sorry to all fanatic supporters of Sauron! But he has not recognized you.)
*This is NOT FAIR! Everyone has fangirls, even that short one! And his feet are hairy!*
But fear not, Sauron's next idea did not include using orcs as makeshift feet. No, he would do something even dumber.
Cologne!! Just kidding.
He called his optometrist! Yes, Sauron, the dark-lord of Mordor, had an optometrist. Because while comparing himself to the furry midget he figured something:
Frodo=blue eyes
Frodo=lots'o'fangirls
Therefore,
Lots'o'fangirls= blue eyes
HAHA!!!! He had figured it out!! It was so simple. . .
But there was one problem, his eye was red. Sure, red was great for intimidation and all around evil-ness, but it didn't attract the ladies. Well, not the human ones anyway. Who wants female orc fangirls? He'd tried that earlier.
[flashback]
Sauron addressed all of Mordor. All creatures looked up obediently.
"I want fangirls." His voice boomed. "And they MUST be fanGIRLS, I don't swing that way."
He was answered by several "oh, man!"s and then the same number of small explosions caused by "accidental" orc combustion.
"Ahem, anyway," he continued, "I want all female orcs to step forward."
About an eighth of the workers approached the tower.
"I said female!" Cried Sauron, then taking a closer look, said, "oh. Oh! Heh heh, ummm. . . thank you. . . errrrr. . . back to work!"
[end flash back]
Sauron shuddered.
He then called forth his eye doctor. A crude, short and ugly man walked in. He was hunchbacked, had one eye, no teeth, several large warts on his large hooked nose, ghastly ear hair, bad breath, visible veins covered his arms and legs, a pink hat, a pegleg, and smelled like month old garbage. Yes, truly disgusting. He was followed by the optometrist, Dr. Stein.
"Good day, Sauron, sir. What can I do for you?" Asked the doctor.
"Eww! What is that thing?"
"Oh this? Why it's my assistant! 23 and already in the world of science."
"Kill it kill it!!!"
"Umm, ok." Replied the doctor, who then turned on the grotesque assistant, took the knife handed to him by the guard, and drove it into him. "Ok, now what can I do for you?"
"Errr. . ." Sauron watched as the guard dragged the body out of the room. "I was thinking about getting contacts."
"But sir, you don't wear glasses!"
"I know that! I mean the color kind! Blue."
"Sir, if you have red, dry eyes use 'Clear Eyes.'"
Sauron just stared, (which he's pretty good at doing!)
"Umm, ok, but it'll take a few da-" Sauron's flames grew. "-ays I mean hours! Heh, just a couple of hours. I'll bring them. . . well, one by later and let you try it on." The optometrist left the room.
A board meeting with the evil forces and a donut break later Sauron's contact lens was ready. He tried it on.
"How do I look?" He questioned the jittery doctor.
"Great great! Very nice! Yes, blue definitely suits you!"
"Good. Now I-" Sauron paused, "Someone just called. Hold on."
The image of a nervous Halfling appeared. It was Pippin.
Sauron, confused, yet slightly amused, looked at the hobbit and almost started to laugh.
Pippin had a pained expression on his face.
*Good* thought Sauron *this contact is sooo blue it brings fear into the heart of a midget! Bwahaha!*
But Pippin was not in pain from a fear of any sort, for he burst out laughing.
"What?" Shouted Sauron. "What's so funny? I'm evil! Quake before me!"
"Pansy!" is all that little Pippin could say between fits of laughter. He then hung up.
Sauron was perplexed. What did he mean by "pansy"? And why is Mordor blue? And why- "AAAAAGH!" he roared when it hit him: the contact lens, of course!
"You!" His gaze fell upon the doctor. "You made me look like a fool in front of a midget!"
"Errr, I think the correct term is 'little person.'"
"I don't care! Whoever it is thinks I'm weak now!" Then quieter, "he'll probably tell all his short friends."
"Uhhh, your unholyness? If it helps, women like a sensitive guy." Tried the doctor.
"Quiet you!" The doctor was engulfed by a giant ball of fire, and when it disappeared all the was left was ashes.
Sauron removed the contact lens and placed in the over sized lens holder, just in case.
A/N: ok, sorry, couldn't help the Ben Stein reference. I had to. Well, It's finally updated! It only took me seven months! Nevertheless, it's here, so please review! And also, you've probably noticed that it got kinda gory in this chapter. Sorry if you don't like that kind of stuff, but it's fun to write!
draekon: thank you so much for being my first reviewer! Means a lot to me. And I'm sorry I didn't consult with you about thinking up the idea first, truly am. But I hope you like this next chapter even though you didn't write it! Thank you!
Artemis71: well wait no longer! The next part is here!
Adalia Glenys: thank you, if you hadn't noticed I fixed it immediately. Although I cannot spell for the life of me I am very annoyed when things get misspelled, especially by me. I shall watch that word from here on out!
Vi1: it is true, you are a fangirl. And for that you shall be incinerated! (haha! I spelled it right!) *puff* oh crap, I already wasted today's on my teacher. But tomorrow. . .
Karijn Aska Shangel: I apologize, I was unaware of a different type of fangirl: Sauron fangirls! Well, I guess I learned my lesson, for another angry Sauron fangirl reviewed too. Thanks for reviewing!
The Yellow Dart: hmmmm. . . you sound familiar. For that you get. . . A COOKIE! (that just so happens to be poisonous)
Nadra: ahhhh, the talk of a true fangirl. I will not incinerate you (yes! I spelled it right AGAIN!) because of your very impressive knowledge of Tolkien. And yes, I am aware that he wasn't always an eyeball, but right now he is, ha! Jk, but I appreciate your review!
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Very good suggestion, and yay! I learned something new and worthwhile! (not like that crap they call "math") I think I will write about that. And that does make since, the whole orc thing. You must forgive me, I was confused and I didn't want to put in stuff that does not work for middle earth the way Tolkien describes it. (well, some. . . beings may be a BIT OOC, but not much! Hehe, lol) Thank you for reviewing! (oh yeah, I really like your artwork! I just checked it out, very awesome).
Capricorn Chaos: ummm, thanks for the constructive criticism?
Hirilnara: oooo, subliminal messaging! Personally, I like superluminal! (hey you! Join the navy! Ok!) it is weird that your review makes me want to eat a donut?
Isilhen: thank you! *blushes* don't worry, I think it'll be a happy ending. But happy for who? Thanks again!
Chapter 2: But That Doesn't Mean my Eyes will Soon be Turning Red
Sauron was going mad. His plan for total domination of Middle Earth was going great and all but he was still fangirl-less. (A/N: to his knowledge, sorry to all fanatic supporters of Sauron! But he has not recognized you.)
*This is NOT FAIR! Everyone has fangirls, even that short one! And his feet are hairy!*
But fear not, Sauron's next idea did not include using orcs as makeshift feet. No, he would do something even dumber.
Cologne!! Just kidding.
He called his optometrist! Yes, Sauron, the dark-lord of Mordor, had an optometrist. Because while comparing himself to the furry midget he figured something:
Frodo=blue eyes
Frodo=lots'o'fangirls
Therefore,
Lots'o'fangirls= blue eyes
HAHA!!!! He had figured it out!! It was so simple. . .
But there was one problem, his eye was red. Sure, red was great for intimidation and all around evil-ness, but it didn't attract the ladies. Well, not the human ones anyway. Who wants female orc fangirls? He'd tried that earlier.
[flashback]
Sauron addressed all of Mordor. All creatures looked up obediently.
"I want fangirls." His voice boomed. "And they MUST be fanGIRLS, I don't swing that way."
He was answered by several "oh, man!"s and then the same number of small explosions caused by "accidental" orc combustion.
"Ahem, anyway," he continued, "I want all female orcs to step forward."
About an eighth of the workers approached the tower.
"I said female!" Cried Sauron, then taking a closer look, said, "oh. Oh! Heh heh, ummm. . . thank you. . . errrrr. . . back to work!"
[end flash back]
Sauron shuddered.
He then called forth his eye doctor. A crude, short and ugly man walked in. He was hunchbacked, had one eye, no teeth, several large warts on his large hooked nose, ghastly ear hair, bad breath, visible veins covered his arms and legs, a pink hat, a pegleg, and smelled like month old garbage. Yes, truly disgusting. He was followed by the optometrist, Dr. Stein.
"Good day, Sauron, sir. What can I do for you?" Asked the doctor.
"Eww! What is that thing?"
"Oh this? Why it's my assistant! 23 and already in the world of science."
"Kill it kill it!!!"
"Umm, ok." Replied the doctor, who then turned on the grotesque assistant, took the knife handed to him by the guard, and drove it into him. "Ok, now what can I do for you?"
"Errr. . ." Sauron watched as the guard dragged the body out of the room. "I was thinking about getting contacts."
"But sir, you don't wear glasses!"
"I know that! I mean the color kind! Blue."
"Sir, if you have red, dry eyes use 'Clear Eyes.'"
Sauron just stared, (which he's pretty good at doing!)
"Umm, ok, but it'll take a few da-" Sauron's flames grew. "-ays I mean hours! Heh, just a couple of hours. I'll bring them. . . well, one by later and let you try it on." The optometrist left the room.
A board meeting with the evil forces and a donut break later Sauron's contact lens was ready. He tried it on.
"How do I look?" He questioned the jittery doctor.
"Great great! Very nice! Yes, blue definitely suits you!"
"Good. Now I-" Sauron paused, "Someone just called. Hold on."
The image of a nervous Halfling appeared. It was Pippin.
Sauron, confused, yet slightly amused, looked at the hobbit and almost started to laugh.
Pippin had a pained expression on his face.
*Good* thought Sauron *this contact is sooo blue it brings fear into the heart of a midget! Bwahaha!*
But Pippin was not in pain from a fear of any sort, for he burst out laughing.
"What?" Shouted Sauron. "What's so funny? I'm evil! Quake before me!"
"Pansy!" is all that little Pippin could say between fits of laughter. He then hung up.
Sauron was perplexed. What did he mean by "pansy"? And why is Mordor blue? And why- "AAAAAGH!" he roared when it hit him: the contact lens, of course!
"You!" His gaze fell upon the doctor. "You made me look like a fool in front of a midget!"
"Errr, I think the correct term is 'little person.'"
"I don't care! Whoever it is thinks I'm weak now!" Then quieter, "he'll probably tell all his short friends."
"Uhhh, your unholyness? If it helps, women like a sensitive guy." Tried the doctor.
"Quiet you!" The doctor was engulfed by a giant ball of fire, and when it disappeared all the was left was ashes.
Sauron removed the contact lens and placed in the over sized lens holder, just in case.
A/N: ok, sorry, couldn't help the Ben Stein reference. I had to. Well, It's finally updated! It only took me seven months! Nevertheless, it's here, so please review! And also, you've probably noticed that it got kinda gory in this chapter. Sorry if you don't like that kind of stuff, but it's fun to write!