*Disclaimer: I do not own any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien (such as
Boromir, Faramir, or Denethor) or the story of "Pygmalion" by George
Bernard Shaw or the musical "My Fair Lady" which is based on said play by
Shaw. I own only Hallahiriel, the Barmaid of Dol Amroth.
* This is a PARODY of both works. Boromir is the Henry Higgins, Faramir is Colonel Pickering, Hallahiriel is Eliza Doolittle and Denethor is the rough equivalent of Henry Higgins's uppity Ascot attending mother. The story is set in 3008, ten years before iFellowship/i. Boromir is 30 and Faramir is 25.
MY FAIR BARMAID: A COMEDY
By Leah Pensotti
Chapter One: Wouldn't it be Loverly?
"Brother, you have yet again found the filthiest Inn for us to reside in. How do you accomplish such atrocious feats?'
Faramir looked to his brother and sighed, "Let us remember, Boromir that we are in Dol Amroth for a purpose. We are to hold counsel with Prince Imrahil as father wishes."
As they stepped out of the torrential rainstorm into the inn entitled "The Finicky Fief," Boromir looked around the bar room with disgust. It was a ramshackle, filled with peasants and shadowy figures. He eyed his brother with annoyance, "I am quite aware of our purpose, Faramir. Come, let's sit and dine."
They found a table in an uninhabited corner and sat. Faramir studied his brother closely and saw the pure distaste written on his normally noble and handsome face, "Boromir! For pity's sake! Liven up a bit. This is another one of our adventures."
Boromir chuckled heartily, "Actually, it is more of an embarrassment. Where is the help? We have been sitting here too long."
Faramir shook his head, "Patience, brother. Oh, here she comes now."
Boromir turned to see a mousy-haired barmaid ambling toward them. Her hair was pulled back haphazardly, she wore a brown tattered dress that fell messily off her shoulders and a yellowed apron about her waist. Faramir studied her carefully, her face could be fair, but it was in need of a good washing. Her hair looks as though it suffered the same plight, for beneath the mousy color there appeared to be hints of brassy gold.
She gave them a bright smile and they smiled in return. Expecting a somewhat demure tone, the brothers were shocked with the sound that came from her welcoming mouth, "So wha' can I get for ye fellas tonight?"
Boromir seemed to be rendered speechless, so Faramir answered timidly, "Ale, please?"
The barmaid smiled again, "I'll be right back with yer ale."
As she walked back to the bar, Boromir began to laugh hysterically, "What a fine mess she is!"
Faramir gave his older brother a chastising look, "Don't be rude, Boromir. She is but a barmaid, who knows what lies beneath the soot and the ill- fitting clothes?"
Boromir smiled in spite of himself, "I have no doubt, brother, that she would be passable in looks with a bath and a comb. However, someone should force her to learn proper speech."
At that moment the barmaid arrived with two mugs of ale and a plate filled with bread and cheese. Boromir stifled a laugh. Faramir, in attempt to cover his brother's rudeness engaged her in idle conversation, "Please, Lady, what is your name?"
The barmaid looked at him with shock, "Lady, eh? Well you are right good gentlemen! Me name is Hallahiriel!"
Faramir smiled, "That is a lovely name."
Boromir nodded in agreement, "A lovely name indeed."
Hallahiriel beamed, "Thank you!"
Boromir chuckled, "Yes, a lovely name so wasted on a bawdy guttersnipe."
Hallahiriel's face fell and then twisted in anger, "Ah-Ah-Ah-ow-ow-oo!"
Boromir looked at his brother, "What a sound! Have you ever heard such a thing? It's amazing!"
Faramir whispered in hushed anger, "Boromir, you are out of line. That is no way to treat a lady."
Hallahiriel whimpered, "Thank ye kindly. Yer a proper gentleman."
Faramir sighed, "You must pardon my brother, Lady Hallahiriel. My brother knows nothing of women."
Hallahiriel nodded, "I ain't a guttersnipe. I ain't done no 'arm. I 'spect to be treated like a lady."
She stalked off, wounded but defiant by the words of Boromir. She kept in relative closeness to the table to hear what they argued about, if the kind brother would take to her defense.
Faramir huffed at his brother, "Honestly, Boromir. What did that poor girl do to you except smile and bring you ale?"
Boromir took a swig from his mug; "She polluted my ears with the vulgarity of her incessant butchering of the proper language. And by the way little brother, I know more of women than you."
Faramir sighed, "You certainly didn't act like it. Your arrogance astounds me."
An uneven silence fell over their table as Boromir rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "With the right lessons and a good cleaning, she could become a proper lady."
Faramir chuckled now, "And who would teach her? You?"
"Yes"
Faramir's face turned serious, "You're joking! You know nothing of being a lady! In fact your relational skills are quite poor."
Boromir drank his ale once more, "With my help, I could pass her off as a princess in six months."
Hallahiriel's eyes widened as the thought of her as a proper lady with proper clothes circled in her skull. She felt terrible for eavesdropping; yet it instilled her with hope.
~~
The next day after meeting with Prince Imrahil, Boromir and Faramir returned to "The Finicky Fief" at dusk. As they opened the door to their lodgings, the found the barmaid Hallahiriel sitting by the fire, waiting for them.
Boromir crowed, "Well, Faramir! We have company! What are you doing here, you blasted girl?"
Hallahiriel twisted her hands nervously. Faramir took notice of her appearance; she wore a less-tattered dress, it was heather-blue in color. She combed her hair and it hung straight down her back. Her face was clean and the color of her eyes was visible as the blue-grey that was common amongst the people of Dol Amroth. She smiled gently and smoothed her nervous hands on her skirt, "I came to take Master Boromir up on 'is offer."
Boromir looked confused; "I made you no offer, silly girl."
Hallahiriel smiled, "O yes ye did. Last night ye said with the proper lessons, I could pass fer a princess in six months. Yeh see, I want to be a proper lady and work as a handmaiden, but I need to be more ladylike, yeh see."
Boromir stepped closer to her, "You were eavesdropping? Why you sniveling little barn rat!"
Hallahiriel let out another wretched cry, "Ahhhh-Ahhh-Ooo!"
Boromir sighed, "Not again!"
Faramir looked at his brother fondly and then spoke, "Boromir, you've caught my interest. I will pay for her lessons. I think we should make a wager. You fufill your prediction of passing Hallahiriel off as a princess in six months, and I shall never correct you again and I will pay you for her lessons in full."
Hallahiriel gave Faramir a cock-eyed smile, "Why thank ye, 'Cappin. You are a right good man."
Boromir looked curiously at his brother, "And if I lose?"
Faramir smiled, "Then Hallahiriel will become a handmaiden in the White City, with no loss to you."
Boromir nodded slyly, "Why, it's an irresistible offer!"
Faramir smiled, "Then it's settled. Hallahiriel, you will leave with us in an hour. Go and pack your things."
Hallahiriel giggled girlishly, "Thank ye 'Cappin! I'll be a good girl, yeh'll see!"
Boromir stated firmly, "There's no need to pack anything. We will supply everything there. We will have to burn her clothes immediately after we return to Minas Tirith. The poor staff will have to scrub her down, it's like she has never seen the inside off a bath!"
As Boromir haughtily stepped out the door, Hallahiriel released a frustrated cry; "Ahhhhhhhh-Ahhhhh-hoooo-ooo."
~~
A/N: I hope everyone likes this, I am trying to keep it in the vein of "My Fair Lady," I realize that Boromir is out of character, but this is a parody and he is the Henry Higgins.Up next: Lesson #1! Please read and review!
* This is a PARODY of both works. Boromir is the Henry Higgins, Faramir is Colonel Pickering, Hallahiriel is Eliza Doolittle and Denethor is the rough equivalent of Henry Higgins's uppity Ascot attending mother. The story is set in 3008, ten years before iFellowship/i. Boromir is 30 and Faramir is 25.
MY FAIR BARMAID: A COMEDY
By Leah Pensotti
Chapter One: Wouldn't it be Loverly?
"Brother, you have yet again found the filthiest Inn for us to reside in. How do you accomplish such atrocious feats?'
Faramir looked to his brother and sighed, "Let us remember, Boromir that we are in Dol Amroth for a purpose. We are to hold counsel with Prince Imrahil as father wishes."
As they stepped out of the torrential rainstorm into the inn entitled "The Finicky Fief," Boromir looked around the bar room with disgust. It was a ramshackle, filled with peasants and shadowy figures. He eyed his brother with annoyance, "I am quite aware of our purpose, Faramir. Come, let's sit and dine."
They found a table in an uninhabited corner and sat. Faramir studied his brother closely and saw the pure distaste written on his normally noble and handsome face, "Boromir! For pity's sake! Liven up a bit. This is another one of our adventures."
Boromir chuckled heartily, "Actually, it is more of an embarrassment. Where is the help? We have been sitting here too long."
Faramir shook his head, "Patience, brother. Oh, here she comes now."
Boromir turned to see a mousy-haired barmaid ambling toward them. Her hair was pulled back haphazardly, she wore a brown tattered dress that fell messily off her shoulders and a yellowed apron about her waist. Faramir studied her carefully, her face could be fair, but it was in need of a good washing. Her hair looks as though it suffered the same plight, for beneath the mousy color there appeared to be hints of brassy gold.
She gave them a bright smile and they smiled in return. Expecting a somewhat demure tone, the brothers were shocked with the sound that came from her welcoming mouth, "So wha' can I get for ye fellas tonight?"
Boromir seemed to be rendered speechless, so Faramir answered timidly, "Ale, please?"
The barmaid smiled again, "I'll be right back with yer ale."
As she walked back to the bar, Boromir began to laugh hysterically, "What a fine mess she is!"
Faramir gave his older brother a chastising look, "Don't be rude, Boromir. She is but a barmaid, who knows what lies beneath the soot and the ill- fitting clothes?"
Boromir smiled in spite of himself, "I have no doubt, brother, that she would be passable in looks with a bath and a comb. However, someone should force her to learn proper speech."
At that moment the barmaid arrived with two mugs of ale and a plate filled with bread and cheese. Boromir stifled a laugh. Faramir, in attempt to cover his brother's rudeness engaged her in idle conversation, "Please, Lady, what is your name?"
The barmaid looked at him with shock, "Lady, eh? Well you are right good gentlemen! Me name is Hallahiriel!"
Faramir smiled, "That is a lovely name."
Boromir nodded in agreement, "A lovely name indeed."
Hallahiriel beamed, "Thank you!"
Boromir chuckled, "Yes, a lovely name so wasted on a bawdy guttersnipe."
Hallahiriel's face fell and then twisted in anger, "Ah-Ah-Ah-ow-ow-oo!"
Boromir looked at his brother, "What a sound! Have you ever heard such a thing? It's amazing!"
Faramir whispered in hushed anger, "Boromir, you are out of line. That is no way to treat a lady."
Hallahiriel whimpered, "Thank ye kindly. Yer a proper gentleman."
Faramir sighed, "You must pardon my brother, Lady Hallahiriel. My brother knows nothing of women."
Hallahiriel nodded, "I ain't a guttersnipe. I ain't done no 'arm. I 'spect to be treated like a lady."
She stalked off, wounded but defiant by the words of Boromir. She kept in relative closeness to the table to hear what they argued about, if the kind brother would take to her defense.
Faramir huffed at his brother, "Honestly, Boromir. What did that poor girl do to you except smile and bring you ale?"
Boromir took a swig from his mug; "She polluted my ears with the vulgarity of her incessant butchering of the proper language. And by the way little brother, I know more of women than you."
Faramir sighed, "You certainly didn't act like it. Your arrogance astounds me."
An uneven silence fell over their table as Boromir rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "With the right lessons and a good cleaning, she could become a proper lady."
Faramir chuckled now, "And who would teach her? You?"
"Yes"
Faramir's face turned serious, "You're joking! You know nothing of being a lady! In fact your relational skills are quite poor."
Boromir drank his ale once more, "With my help, I could pass her off as a princess in six months."
Hallahiriel's eyes widened as the thought of her as a proper lady with proper clothes circled in her skull. She felt terrible for eavesdropping; yet it instilled her with hope.
~~
The next day after meeting with Prince Imrahil, Boromir and Faramir returned to "The Finicky Fief" at dusk. As they opened the door to their lodgings, the found the barmaid Hallahiriel sitting by the fire, waiting for them.
Boromir crowed, "Well, Faramir! We have company! What are you doing here, you blasted girl?"
Hallahiriel twisted her hands nervously. Faramir took notice of her appearance; she wore a less-tattered dress, it was heather-blue in color. She combed her hair and it hung straight down her back. Her face was clean and the color of her eyes was visible as the blue-grey that was common amongst the people of Dol Amroth. She smiled gently and smoothed her nervous hands on her skirt, "I came to take Master Boromir up on 'is offer."
Boromir looked confused; "I made you no offer, silly girl."
Hallahiriel smiled, "O yes ye did. Last night ye said with the proper lessons, I could pass fer a princess in six months. Yeh see, I want to be a proper lady and work as a handmaiden, but I need to be more ladylike, yeh see."
Boromir stepped closer to her, "You were eavesdropping? Why you sniveling little barn rat!"
Hallahiriel let out another wretched cry, "Ahhhh-Ahhh-Ooo!"
Boromir sighed, "Not again!"
Faramir looked at his brother fondly and then spoke, "Boromir, you've caught my interest. I will pay for her lessons. I think we should make a wager. You fufill your prediction of passing Hallahiriel off as a princess in six months, and I shall never correct you again and I will pay you for her lessons in full."
Hallahiriel gave Faramir a cock-eyed smile, "Why thank ye, 'Cappin. You are a right good man."
Boromir looked curiously at his brother, "And if I lose?"
Faramir smiled, "Then Hallahiriel will become a handmaiden in the White City, with no loss to you."
Boromir nodded slyly, "Why, it's an irresistible offer!"
Faramir smiled, "Then it's settled. Hallahiriel, you will leave with us in an hour. Go and pack your things."
Hallahiriel giggled girlishly, "Thank ye 'Cappin! I'll be a good girl, yeh'll see!"
Boromir stated firmly, "There's no need to pack anything. We will supply everything there. We will have to burn her clothes immediately after we return to Minas Tirith. The poor staff will have to scrub her down, it's like she has never seen the inside off a bath!"
As Boromir haughtily stepped out the door, Hallahiriel released a frustrated cry; "Ahhhhhhhh-Ahhhhh-hoooo-ooo."
~~
A/N: I hope everyone likes this, I am trying to keep it in the vein of "My Fair Lady," I realize that Boromir is out of character, but this is a parody and he is the Henry Higgins.Up next: Lesson #1! Please read and review!