The pink-haired ninja snorted.  "Trust me, Sasuke despises her.  In fact, I bet you he already came up with his own plan . . . ."

Meanwhile . . .

"NO FUCKIN' WAY IN HELL AM I GONNA AGREE WITH THIS DAMN PLAN!"

"Listen, dobe, do you want Ichiraku to be torn down? It's the only way!"

"YOU SICKO-HENTAI!  FUCK OFF!"

"Fine, but don't blame me if you never eat another bowl of ramen again!"

"Bastard!"

"Dead-last!"

"Asshole!"

"Idiot!"

Why are our two favorite ninjas (or my two favorite ninjas, at any rate) fighting?  In order understand this, you must go back four years to where the two rivals first locked gazes and felt that surge of hate flash between them.

Or you could just go back several hours . . .

~*~*~_O_O=^-^=~*~*~

Sometime ago . . .

"So what's your extra special idea that requires my assistance?" asked Naruto, perched lazily on his bed.

Sasuke fidgeted slightly, wanting to put that topic off until the last possible moment.  "First of all, you have to know a few things about Hime."  He hefted out a thick book about six inches wide. 

Naruto blanched.  "I am NOT reading that!"

Sasuke shrugged.  "It doesn't matter – I've already gone through it ten times.  This is the contract for our marriage."

Naruto's eyes grew huge.  "Waaah! It's enormous!"

Sasuke snorted.  "I've gotten the best lawyers in the country to look at it.  There are NO loopholes whatsoever."

Naruto flipped through the papers avidly, and then paused when he reached the last page.  "Sasuke . . . isn't this Itachi's signature?"

"Of course it is, dobe.  Hime's pledged to marry the heir to the Uchiha clan, and Itachi was the heir when this contract was created."  Sasuke rolled his eyes.  "Sometimes, I think the only reason my brother massacred our parents was to get out of marrying her."

"Wait a minute . . . Hime was the one who persuaded her parents to arrange this, right?"

"Yeah – she used to have a HUGE crush on Itachi."

Naruto blinked.  "And Itachi hated her?"

Sasuke stared at him incredulously.   "Have you been listening to me, or are you just thick?  Of course he hated her!  Hell, who doesn't?"

"So why didn't he just kill her?"

"Well . . . remember when Kakashi said Hime wasn't a ninja?  That's not entirely true – she does know one attack.  But it's powerful enough to defeat anyone . . . even my brother."

Naruto whistled, impressed.  "Wow . . . what's it called?"

"It's called . . ."

Naruto leaned in slightly.

". . . the glomp."

The blond boy fell over, twitching.  "That's it?  Itachi lost to a hug?"

Sasuke glared at him, miffed at the suggestion that any Uchiha could possibly fall to a mere embrace.  "Not a hug, the GLOMP.  As in, THE glomp.  She invented it, mastered it, and fine-tuned it enough to annoy someone but not kill them."

"You want me to believe Itachi, who's possibly even stronger than Orochimaru and Kakashi, was conquered with a glomp?!"

Sasuke scowled.  "Hey, I was there, okay?  She latched onto his waist for FIVE days, and the only times she let go was to go to the bathroom!  We had to feed her because she insisted on staying in his lap!  We barely managed to pry her off, and the only reason she succumbed was because the circulation to his legs was cut off!"

Naruto sweatdropped.  "Okay, okay, I get the point.  So how do you plan on getting rid of her?"

"Technically, I can't.  The contract specifically states that if I withdraw from the marriage, I'd be forfeiting my title, fortune, and land.  Unfortunately, the term 'ninja' counts as a title, so I've got two options – either she drops dead of her own accord, or she breaks the marriage before me."

"So all we got to do is kill her!"

Sasuke gave him the Are-You-Really-This-Stupid-Or-Are-You-Just-Trying-To-Piss-Me-Off-Look™ (not to be confused with the 'Are-You-Really-This-Annoying-Or-Do-You-Just-Want-Me-To-Beat-You-Up-Look™').  "I know this may be a new experience for you, but try to think, dobe," he snapped, ignoring Naruto's indignant snarl.  "We can't kill her – that would make us murderers and we'd probably be outlawed.  If she dies of a heart attack, we'd be let off, but I think doctors would realize that a shuriken stuck in someone's throat usually doesn'tinficate heart failure."

Naruto glared at the black-haired shinobi, still seething. "So, genius, what's this supreme plan?"

"There are three things Hime hates in the world more than anything else."  He held up three fingers.  "One – poor people, or commoners.  Two – insubordinates."  He sighed as he saw Naruto's blank expression.  "People who don't listen to her," he clarified.

"I knew that, dumbass!"

"Whatever, dobe.  And three – homosexuals.  She's the biggest homophobic I've ever seen – and trust me, I've met quite a few."

"So she's afraid of gay people?"

"That's generally what the term 'homophobic' implies, yes."

"Shut up!  And how do you know that, anyway?!"

"It's called a vo-cab-u-lary, dobe.  Try using it sometime, it's very helpful."

The blond flushed angrily.  "That's not what I meant, bastard!  How do you know she doesn't like faggots?"

Sasuke winced slightly at the crude term, but ignored it.  "Because her expression turns to pure disgust when she sees anything that may suggest homosexuality; because she's considers 'gay' to be the one of the ultimate insults, second only to 'poor'; and because she's tried to pass several laws prohibiting gay rights."

"What does any of this have to do with anything?"

"Itachi tried to get rid of her by pretending he had a boyfriend in order to disgust her enough to call it quits.  It almost worked, except . . ." Sasuke trailed off.