The Darkest Night Has It's Dawn

One month after the day Angela's world crumbled around her, she sat on her bed with pen poised above paper. The events leading her to this moment swirled in an endless stream around her mind. Somehow, someway she needed to get it out, organize it, and label it. To put it in its place; put it behind her.

Angela turned to the journal that she had not touched since the letter from her father arrived.

She wrote steadily the following;

~Who would've thought it? Who would have dreamt it? Can anyone, can everyone ever know such pain and such joy all at the same time?

The funeral is over, my fathers body lays underground, and his soul soars in the clouds. The insurance policy he held for me is enough to carry me through several years if I am careful. Even in his death, my daddy is looking out for me…

What is pain, but the opposite of joy- The man I loved more than any other- until I fell so deeply for Shawn, is gone. I suppose you know, as I suppose we all know somewhere in the back of our minds, that we will eventually lose our parents; but so young, so full of potential?  My daddy was a man among men. He didn't deserve an early death.

I wanted him to walk me down the isle… I wanted him to see my children…. Damn it! I wanted my kids to have a grandpa! This is so unfair…

Not only can I not offer my child a grandpa, neither can Shawn.

Somehow, in my great despair, I found my way home. No- scratch that- Shawn BROUGHT me home. He found me in the dark place that I was in, and he brought me home. He gave me a part of himself…quite literally.

You know, we never once thought about it- we never thought about me getting pregnant. I needed him so bad, and I think he needed me too. His touch was what I wanted, what my aching heart so desperately longed for. Condoms or birth control were not on our minds. I should have gone on the pill when we started getting serious again. Or should I have?

The joining of a part of me with a part of Shawn seems to be a promise from above, a promise that there is life for me beyond my pain. There is hope; a journey I never dreamed would come so soon… one I wanted all along- someday. Someday has become today.

I know this is bad timing- Shawn knows too. Somehow, in the midst of the hardship we know it will be, we are both ecstatic. A family- a real family- with a mom, and a dad, and a child; that is what we both want, what we both need so badly, what we were both deprived of.

So here I am- kissing my father goodbye, and greeting my child. In the same way that every day becomes night, every night becomes day. I am personally witnessing the continuous circle of life. My flesh has died, and my flesh will live. God- what a miracle.

Without the promise of this new life, I don't know that my focus would be good now. I know Shawn is by my side, baby or no baby. I thought he would be so scared. I think I am more scared than Shawn is though.

Shawn proposed to me the day before I found out I was pregnant. That is how I know I want to marry him now. I have known for a long time that I wanted to spend my life with him, but I wasn't sure he was ready. It is not just the baby- not just his sense of responsibility. He wants to be with me. I want to be with him. Forever….

I know that we will be good to each other. I know that we will do right by our child. Shawn and I have gone through too much in our lives to inflict that kind of pain on our own child. The cycle stops here. It stops with us. A new dawn- a new way of life- a new pattern will begin with us. I promise that to my child, to my love, and to myself.

It is true. As bittersweet as it is- it is true.

The darkest night has the brightest dawn. ~

Finally drained, and feeling some relief- Angela folded the journal closed and placed it back in the bedside drawer with her pen. She rolled to her side wrapping her arm around her sleeping fiancé, and snuggled tightly to him.

Shawn felt Angela's presence and rolled to hold her, placing his strong and gentle hand on her flat stomach.

"I love my family," Shawn whispered with a smile.

"So do I, Baby- So do I…," Angela replied and leaned to kiss the amazing man in her arms.

*~*~*~*~*~ The End ~*~*~*~*~*