A/N: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! ::flying tackles everyone:: I missed you guys so muuuuch!! ::happy sob:: Sorry for being late, as usual, but this time the excuse is more plausible (the other ones were true, too!). ::deep breath:: My dad hooked up my dial-up internet wrong when we updated and it used a long distance number so the bill was $1,000 and I couldn't use the internet until it was paid off and he fixed it or let me. ::gasp:: There you are. The internet's still fluctuating, so...yeah.
::hugs everyone again:: Thanks for reviewing and such, I really appreciate it! ::warm inside::
Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Trigun.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::The Obsessive Samurai::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
"Haaaagh..." Megan yawns and sinks further into her chair. "Who're we interviewing today?"
Ashley rolls her eyes and sharpens the large knife in her hand. "I told you a thousand times..."
"Not to exaggerate?"
"....no. We're interviewing Rai-Dei the Blade."
"WHAT?!" She tries to jump up but catches her foot in the side of the cushion and falls face-first off the chair. "Gah!" She quickly uprights herself and proceeds to rant about how much of a cheating bastard he is.
"It's true," Ashley points out. "He had a gun."
"--I just wanna shove it up his ass and strangle him 'till he turns blue and laugh at his choking noises and stab him in the eye with his toothpick and--"
"Maybe we should sell his sword-gun thingy on E-bay..." She touches the tip of the knife to her cheek in thought. "That'd fetch a pretty penny."
"--and then bathe gloriously in spiritual awareness and watch him cry like a bitch because he HAS NONE! MWA HAHAHAHAAA!!"
"Mm-hmm..." Ashley hides the knife and throws the sharpening stick....THING behind her. "He should be here any second."
"Excuse me," a demon's voice politely asks. "Is this the...Studio?"
"RAAAAR!!" Megan goes to run and attack, but her friend calmly reaches down and grabs her ankle, successfully tripping the small fury and causing her to smack her face into the ground for the second time that day.
She whips her face up and makes a Vash noise. "DAAAAH." Her limbs flail for a moment before she glares at the other host. "Traitor! Ya trying to KILL me?!"
"Later..." she says out the corner of her mouth.
"I can't believe you! I had the perfect shot for a clean tackle and you grabbed my foot! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
The gung-ho gun stands dumbfounded by the edge of the stage.
Ashley smiles at him and growls through her teeth. "LATER."
Megan looks up and frowns, trying to decipher the message. "...ohhhh..." She snickers to herself. "Now I get it."
Rai-Dei walks onstage and takes his hat off in greeting to the audience, earning him a massive 'boo' and a couple of 'woos' from die-hard fans. Megan commits their faces to memory and thinks of all the accidents they might have in the near future.
"I am, pleased to meet you." He extends a murderous hand to the two humbly.
The plotting one goes into Dr. Evil mode. "How 'bout no, Scotty."
Ashley gives him the cold shoulder. "Why don't you take a seat?"
"Alright," he sits on the floor Indian-style.
Megan quirks an eyebrow and puckers her lips into an 'O'.
"...I was referring to the couch."
"Of course." He readily obliges and transfers himself to said furniture.
"Hehe. It's like he's already trained."
"He WAS Knives' bitch," Ashley whispers back.
"Oh yeah!" She giggles madly.
"I understand you will be asking me...questions." Rai-Dei interjects.
"That is correct."
"And in return you will provide me with...spiritual awareness?"
"Yep."
If Megan was drinking something, it'd be flying out of her nose right now. "Pardon?!"
Ashley shoots her a warning glare. "If he plays his cards right, we will be giving him spiritual awareness."
It takes her a minute to catch on. "Ohh," she nods. "Riiiiight."
"Oh Ra, who's first?"
A ninja star shoots past his head and buries itself in the back wall.
"That wasn't very friendly," Megan laughs.
A couple of hands are raised. Someone waves a banner reading "ILOVESAMURAI" in the back. Her neighbors take the liberty of ripping it down.
"I have a question!"
"Go ahead RedBandanna."
"Did you actually die in the explosion Vash's arm made? I don't seem to remember you reappearing in the anime..."
"No, no I did not."
::crickets chirp::
"Come on," Megan prods excitedly, "Tell 'em how you died!"
He sighs. "Nicholas D. Wolfwood shot me just after I came out of the rubble unscathed. We could've worked together and brought down that horrible devil of a man, but he-"
"AHAHAHAHA!!!" The little psycho shrieks in delight. "Go Wolfy!"
Rai-Dei sits back, quietly seething over the incident.
"Well," Ashley chuckles. "We all get what we deserve. Next question?"
"Yeah, where'd you get the toothpick from?"
"That's vashandwolfwood..."
"And why'd you have to kill E.G.? Oh, I hate you too."
He plays with the wooden pick in his mouth. "Master Knives had access to trees, and I was forced kill that poor excuse for a demon because he failed in his duty to him."
"Oh...oh Gods," Megan represses back a fit of laughter. "I can't believe he just said that..."
"What?"
"Master Knives...KMPH!"
Ashley curls up in the fetal position and shakes, also trying not to laugh.
"Um..." Saro Wolf stands on her own accord. "Konichiwa Rai-Dei! You're Japanese, right?"
Megan waves her hand, trying to signal there wasn't a Japan on Gunsmoke.
"I was not born there, though I trained in its dojos for some time."
Megan stops snickering and cocks her head to the side. What in the hell...?
"Well, where did you actually come from and how did you get caught up working for Knives?"
"I came from the womb of a woman skilled in the self-defensive arts-"
Ashley snorts.
"-and trained for years in a dojo learning the fighting techniques of the sword. Such was my reputation as a master of Shi-Ai, I was sought out by Knives' minions and offered a deal I couldn't refuse."
"Wait, let me guess." Megan snickers. "Spiritual awareness?"
"Yes. He told me of Vash the Stampede's great strength. If I could just take his will, I would be able to find what I had been searching for all my life."
"Stupid human..." Raditz takes the stand. "What else did you think you would find at the edge of death, other than fear?"
He fidgets. "Spiritual awareness is in the eye of the beholder..."
"What a waste of oxygen. Do you even know what you're looking for?"
"It is...uh...said to be indescribable, and..."
"Whoawhoawhoawhoa, hold the phone!" Megan waves her arms wildly. "You're telling me you've killed countless people and attacked Vash for something even the people who told you about 't tell you exactly what it was?"
"But, they have seen it, and..."
"How do you know it even exists? They could be lyin' out their asses!"
"You obviously don't know anything about spiritual awareness..." he crosses his arms. "I will say no more."
Megan shakes her head, and Ashley just about dies. "Anymore questions for our sad little Rai?"
"Yeah, I've got one!"
"Shat would be aurus..."
"Here it goes: Do you really think killing people will lead you to Zen or whatever it is that you're after? Because personally, I think Vash is a hell of a lot closer with his love-and-peace philosophy, and... say, I bet you just wanted to kill him because you're jealous of his amazing Zen- ness!" o.o;
"Spiritual awareness is the easiest to reach at the edge of death. If I kill the person with the right energy, I will see it as they die. As for Vash the Stampede, he is a demon and a fool!"
"Hey, here's a crazy idea..." Megan grins. "Why don't you stab yourself in the face, and as your dying, spiritual awareness will come to you."
He looks down at his sword, contemplating the idea.
"Oh Jesus Christ, I was joking..."
"Hey Rai-Dei, since you have a sword, and I think you should stop killing people and go all love-and-peace-ish...can I have it?" Aurus asks hopefully.
"No, I may need it in the future."
Megan falls off her chair. 'SCORE!'
Ashley composes herself enough to ask for another question.
"Kitsunedemon here! Are you the only Samurai on Gunsmoke? I haven't seen any others, unless..." She gasps. "There's a mindless cult of Samurais and Ninjas waiting under the sand in Gunsmoke for people to accidentally stumble upon their ancient civilization and use them either as sacrifices to their random and supposedly terrifying gods or test many implements of torture on them such as girly girly lipstick or rabid monkeys that they're breeding for world domination purposes!"
Megan gapes. "It's a conspiracy!!"
"There are those I trained with, and many I have slain."
"Well that's good news..." Ashley mumbles.
"Hello."
"WAH!!" Megan jumps up like a cat. "Mimic, I'm going to MURDER you!"
He grins under his gas-mask and moves away from the couch he was so rudely hiding behind.
"At least he didn't blow up anything this time," Ashley points out.
::the audience chairs collapse::
"...I hate you."
"Rai Dei, what was it like living through Vash's attack only to be killed by Wolfwood?"
"It sucked."
"...good enough for me." Mimic hops offstage before Megan can fulfill her threat.
LegacyRBluesummers crawls out of her broken chair. "Hello! I just wanted to ask Rai-Dei-sama if I can have his..." ::snickers:: "Oh Lordy, I can't even say it without cracking up..." ::snickers more:: "Can I have your nifty hat thingy?"
"...no."
"Okay, well..." She makes her way out of the ruin that was once the audience and runs down to the stage. "Here!" She glomps him.
Megan opens her mouth wide in shock. "Wh-what're you..."
She snatches the hat off his startled head and abandons ship.
"Hey!" He gets up to chase her, but Megan stops him.
"Interviewees can't leave the stage. It's ninja code...erm, samurai."
He grumbles to himself and sits back down.
Lil Kayke stands up next, wearing a black t-shirt saying 'I'm Ugly On The Inside Too' and asking if he's ever had a relationship with someone other than his hand.
"Good question," Megan gives her the thumbs-up.
"Well...the only one I can remember was with Master Knives, but that was strictly professional."
"Bitch."
"Excuse me?"
"You were his bitch."
"...I suppose you could say that."
She rolls on the floor. Someone finally admitted it!
"This is too much," Ashley rubs her forehead. "Last question."
A blonde with a dark ensemble rises and waves. "Hey, this is vash-and-wolfwood speaking. (again) Rai Dei, can I have your blade?"
He looks down at it like he did earlier. "...no."
"Ookay. Isn't it odd to see a guy dressed like a samurai on Gunsmoke? Everyone else is dressed western-style."
"I AM a samurai."
"Sure ya are." She sits back down.
"Why does no one believe me?!" He snaps. "I am a SAMURAI!! I WILL find spiritual awareness one day! And I WILL kill Vash the Stampede!!"
"That's why you have a gun-sword..."
"And you're dead."
"Bah!" He gets up to leave.
"Wait," Ashley stands up. "Now that the show is over, and everyone's slightly satisfied..." She whips out the knife she was sitting on. "I'M GOING TO THROTTLE YOU!!"
"What?!"
"DIIIIEEEE!!!"
"This isn't the proper way to initiate battle--!" He dodges her first assault. "Are you even listening to me?!"
"BWA HAHAHHAHAAA!!!!"
Megan watches her chase him around the stage with a meat cleaver. "It's a Kodak moment." She takes a picture with her imaginary camera before turning to the audience. "Next we'll be interviewing...mmm, I dunno...how about Chapel the Evergreen and Leonoff the Puppet Master. They'll go at the same time because they're both bald...and I hate them." She waves at the camera and jumps on Rai-Dei's back as they come around.
::CLICK!::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A/N: Well, that was fun. ::stretch:: You don't know how much pain this chair is inflicting on my ass...I think I may have shattered part of my pelvic bone...::wince:: How grand.
Remember to review if you wanna get your minute of fame. This is Megan, signing out.
::hugs everyone again:: Thanks for reviewing and such, I really appreciate it! ::warm inside::
Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Trigun.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::The Obsessive Samurai::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
"Haaaagh..." Megan yawns and sinks further into her chair. "Who're we interviewing today?"
Ashley rolls her eyes and sharpens the large knife in her hand. "I told you a thousand times..."
"Not to exaggerate?"
"....no. We're interviewing Rai-Dei the Blade."
"WHAT?!" She tries to jump up but catches her foot in the side of the cushion and falls face-first off the chair. "Gah!" She quickly uprights herself and proceeds to rant about how much of a cheating bastard he is.
"It's true," Ashley points out. "He had a gun."
"--I just wanna shove it up his ass and strangle him 'till he turns blue and laugh at his choking noises and stab him in the eye with his toothpick and--"
"Maybe we should sell his sword-gun thingy on E-bay..." She touches the tip of the knife to her cheek in thought. "That'd fetch a pretty penny."
"--and then bathe gloriously in spiritual awareness and watch him cry like a bitch because he HAS NONE! MWA HAHAHAHAAA!!"
"Mm-hmm..." Ashley hides the knife and throws the sharpening stick....THING behind her. "He should be here any second."
"Excuse me," a demon's voice politely asks. "Is this the...Studio?"
"RAAAAR!!" Megan goes to run and attack, but her friend calmly reaches down and grabs her ankle, successfully tripping the small fury and causing her to smack her face into the ground for the second time that day.
She whips her face up and makes a Vash noise. "DAAAAH." Her limbs flail for a moment before she glares at the other host. "Traitor! Ya trying to KILL me?!"
"Later..." she says out the corner of her mouth.
"I can't believe you! I had the perfect shot for a clean tackle and you grabbed my foot! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
The gung-ho gun stands dumbfounded by the edge of the stage.
Ashley smiles at him and growls through her teeth. "LATER."
Megan looks up and frowns, trying to decipher the message. "...ohhhh..." She snickers to herself. "Now I get it."
Rai-Dei walks onstage and takes his hat off in greeting to the audience, earning him a massive 'boo' and a couple of 'woos' from die-hard fans. Megan commits their faces to memory and thinks of all the accidents they might have in the near future.
"I am, pleased to meet you." He extends a murderous hand to the two humbly.
The plotting one goes into Dr. Evil mode. "How 'bout no, Scotty."
Ashley gives him the cold shoulder. "Why don't you take a seat?"
"Alright," he sits on the floor Indian-style.
Megan quirks an eyebrow and puckers her lips into an 'O'.
"...I was referring to the couch."
"Of course." He readily obliges and transfers himself to said furniture.
"Hehe. It's like he's already trained."
"He WAS Knives' bitch," Ashley whispers back.
"Oh yeah!" She giggles madly.
"I understand you will be asking me...questions." Rai-Dei interjects.
"That is correct."
"And in return you will provide me with...spiritual awareness?"
"Yep."
If Megan was drinking something, it'd be flying out of her nose right now. "Pardon?!"
Ashley shoots her a warning glare. "If he plays his cards right, we will be giving him spiritual awareness."
It takes her a minute to catch on. "Ohh," she nods. "Riiiiight."
"Oh Ra, who's first?"
A ninja star shoots past his head and buries itself in the back wall.
"That wasn't very friendly," Megan laughs.
A couple of hands are raised. Someone waves a banner reading "ILOVESAMURAI" in the back. Her neighbors take the liberty of ripping it down.
"I have a question!"
"Go ahead RedBandanna."
"Did you actually die in the explosion Vash's arm made? I don't seem to remember you reappearing in the anime..."
"No, no I did not."
::crickets chirp::
"Come on," Megan prods excitedly, "Tell 'em how you died!"
He sighs. "Nicholas D. Wolfwood shot me just after I came out of the rubble unscathed. We could've worked together and brought down that horrible devil of a man, but he-"
"AHAHAHAHA!!!" The little psycho shrieks in delight. "Go Wolfy!"
Rai-Dei sits back, quietly seething over the incident.
"Well," Ashley chuckles. "We all get what we deserve. Next question?"
"Yeah, where'd you get the toothpick from?"
"That's vashandwolfwood..."
"And why'd you have to kill E.G.? Oh, I hate you too."
He plays with the wooden pick in his mouth. "Master Knives had access to trees, and I was forced kill that poor excuse for a demon because he failed in his duty to him."
"Oh...oh Gods," Megan represses back a fit of laughter. "I can't believe he just said that..."
"What?"
"Master Knives...KMPH!"
Ashley curls up in the fetal position and shakes, also trying not to laugh.
"Um..." Saro Wolf stands on her own accord. "Konichiwa Rai-Dei! You're Japanese, right?"
Megan waves her hand, trying to signal there wasn't a Japan on Gunsmoke.
"I was not born there, though I trained in its dojos for some time."
Megan stops snickering and cocks her head to the side. What in the hell...?
"Well, where did you actually come from and how did you get caught up working for Knives?"
"I came from the womb of a woman skilled in the self-defensive arts-"
Ashley snorts.
"-and trained for years in a dojo learning the fighting techniques of the sword. Such was my reputation as a master of Shi-Ai, I was sought out by Knives' minions and offered a deal I couldn't refuse."
"Wait, let me guess." Megan snickers. "Spiritual awareness?"
"Yes. He told me of Vash the Stampede's great strength. If I could just take his will, I would be able to find what I had been searching for all my life."
"Stupid human..." Raditz takes the stand. "What else did you think you would find at the edge of death, other than fear?"
He fidgets. "Spiritual awareness is in the eye of the beholder..."
"What a waste of oxygen. Do you even know what you're looking for?"
"It is...uh...said to be indescribable, and..."
"Whoawhoawhoawhoa, hold the phone!" Megan waves her arms wildly. "You're telling me you've killed countless people and attacked Vash for something even the people who told you about 't tell you exactly what it was?"
"But, they have seen it, and..."
"How do you know it even exists? They could be lyin' out their asses!"
"You obviously don't know anything about spiritual awareness..." he crosses his arms. "I will say no more."
Megan shakes her head, and Ashley just about dies. "Anymore questions for our sad little Rai?"
"Yeah, I've got one!"
"Shat would be aurus..."
"Here it goes: Do you really think killing people will lead you to Zen or whatever it is that you're after? Because personally, I think Vash is a hell of a lot closer with his love-and-peace philosophy, and... say, I bet you just wanted to kill him because you're jealous of his amazing Zen- ness!" o.o;
"Spiritual awareness is the easiest to reach at the edge of death. If I kill the person with the right energy, I will see it as they die. As for Vash the Stampede, he is a demon and a fool!"
"Hey, here's a crazy idea..." Megan grins. "Why don't you stab yourself in the face, and as your dying, spiritual awareness will come to you."
He looks down at his sword, contemplating the idea.
"Oh Jesus Christ, I was joking..."
"Hey Rai-Dei, since you have a sword, and I think you should stop killing people and go all love-and-peace-ish...can I have it?" Aurus asks hopefully.
"No, I may need it in the future."
Megan falls off her chair. 'SCORE!'
Ashley composes herself enough to ask for another question.
"Kitsunedemon here! Are you the only Samurai on Gunsmoke? I haven't seen any others, unless..." She gasps. "There's a mindless cult of Samurais and Ninjas waiting under the sand in Gunsmoke for people to accidentally stumble upon their ancient civilization and use them either as sacrifices to their random and supposedly terrifying gods or test many implements of torture on them such as girly girly lipstick or rabid monkeys that they're breeding for world domination purposes!"
Megan gapes. "It's a conspiracy!!"
"There are those I trained with, and many I have slain."
"Well that's good news..." Ashley mumbles.
"Hello."
"WAH!!" Megan jumps up like a cat. "Mimic, I'm going to MURDER you!"
He grins under his gas-mask and moves away from the couch he was so rudely hiding behind.
"At least he didn't blow up anything this time," Ashley points out.
::the audience chairs collapse::
"...I hate you."
"Rai Dei, what was it like living through Vash's attack only to be killed by Wolfwood?"
"It sucked."
"...good enough for me." Mimic hops offstage before Megan can fulfill her threat.
LegacyRBluesummers crawls out of her broken chair. "Hello! I just wanted to ask Rai-Dei-sama if I can have his..." ::snickers:: "Oh Lordy, I can't even say it without cracking up..." ::snickers more:: "Can I have your nifty hat thingy?"
"...no."
"Okay, well..." She makes her way out of the ruin that was once the audience and runs down to the stage. "Here!" She glomps him.
Megan opens her mouth wide in shock. "Wh-what're you..."
She snatches the hat off his startled head and abandons ship.
"Hey!" He gets up to chase her, but Megan stops him.
"Interviewees can't leave the stage. It's ninja code...erm, samurai."
He grumbles to himself and sits back down.
Lil Kayke stands up next, wearing a black t-shirt saying 'I'm Ugly On The Inside Too' and asking if he's ever had a relationship with someone other than his hand.
"Good question," Megan gives her the thumbs-up.
"Well...the only one I can remember was with Master Knives, but that was strictly professional."
"Bitch."
"Excuse me?"
"You were his bitch."
"...I suppose you could say that."
She rolls on the floor. Someone finally admitted it!
"This is too much," Ashley rubs her forehead. "Last question."
A blonde with a dark ensemble rises and waves. "Hey, this is vash-and-wolfwood speaking. (again) Rai Dei, can I have your blade?"
He looks down at it like he did earlier. "...no."
"Ookay. Isn't it odd to see a guy dressed like a samurai on Gunsmoke? Everyone else is dressed western-style."
"I AM a samurai."
"Sure ya are." She sits back down.
"Why does no one believe me?!" He snaps. "I am a SAMURAI!! I WILL find spiritual awareness one day! And I WILL kill Vash the Stampede!!"
"That's why you have a gun-sword..."
"And you're dead."
"Bah!" He gets up to leave.
"Wait," Ashley stands up. "Now that the show is over, and everyone's slightly satisfied..." She whips out the knife she was sitting on. "I'M GOING TO THROTTLE YOU!!"
"What?!"
"DIIIIEEEE!!!"
"This isn't the proper way to initiate battle--!" He dodges her first assault. "Are you even listening to me?!"
"BWA HAHAHHAHAAA!!!!"
Megan watches her chase him around the stage with a meat cleaver. "It's a Kodak moment." She takes a picture with her imaginary camera before turning to the audience. "Next we'll be interviewing...mmm, I dunno...how about Chapel the Evergreen and Leonoff the Puppet Master. They'll go at the same time because they're both bald...and I hate them." She waves at the camera and jumps on Rai-Dei's back as they come around.
::CLICK!::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A/N: Well, that was fun. ::stretch:: You don't know how much pain this chair is inflicting on my ass...I think I may have shattered part of my pelvic bone...::wince:: How grand.
Remember to review if you wanna get your minute of fame. This is Megan, signing out.